All language subtitles for The Dick Van Dike Show S03_E23

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, Mary Tyler Moore.

Without having done extensive research on the problem,

I think I am safe in assuming that 95% of all honeymoons

are pleasant and happy experiences.

Now, one might assume that because my wife

and I fall in the minority percentage,

that our marriage is less than blissful.

So, my honeymoon, our honeymoon, was ludicrous and bizarre

and by classic standards, I suppose you would

consider it disappointing.

But I'll wager that it was more memorable

than Antony and Cleopatra's

Oh, come on, you're bragging.

Why don't you guys make a little bit of noise

when you come in a room?

Miss all the juicy memoirs?

You writing your book?

Yeah, I'm trying, but I'm stuck.

What do you mean stuck?

You just hit a vein of gold there,

a more memorable honeymoon than Anthony and Cleo's.

Boy, I'll buy that book.

I love fantasies.

Why don't you write about my honeymoon?

I took my big police car on the trip.

Oh, come on, Buddy.

Wasn't your wife just a little confused?

No, but I think the dog was.

He bit her.

OK, Rob, top that honeymoon.

All right, how about this?

For going on my honeymoon, the United States Army was almost

ready to court martial me.

Oh come on, now, you don't get court martialed

for going on a honeymoon.

Well, you're looking at a guy who almost was.

What, did you go with the captain's wife?

Boy, what a mess I was in.

Oh, come on, get to the details.

The worser the better.

The worster the better?

Yeah.

What do you, like to hear about rotten honeymoons.

Well sure, since I may never get to go on one,

I'd like to think I'm not missing anything.

Come on, Rob, tell us.

Well, you remember I told you that we were married

in an Army hospital room.

You had a sprained nose or a bum lip or something.

I had the flu and a sprained ankle.

I know you didn't feel good.

Anyway, all the passes on the camp were canceled the day

my honeymoon was supposed to start.

Did you and Laura spend your honeymoon in the bags?

Well a couple of my friends suggested that.

When I heard the passes were canceled,

I went straight to the captain's office.

[knocking]

Come in.

Sergeant Petrie has permission from the First Sergeant

to speak to the Captain, Sir.

Sergeant, don't you know enough to hold your salute

until it's been returned?

Well, I thought you returned it, sir.

When?

Well, you-- you were just scratching your head.

I guess.

That's right.

How long have you been in the Army, Sergeant?

About a year and a half, sir.

Have you always had trouble distinguishing a hand

salute from a head scratch?

No, sir.

All right, let's try and shape up, Sergeant.

Let's try it again.

And salute.

You've it.

See how easy it is.

What did you want to see me about?

Well, sir--

If it concerns a pass, forget it.

Well, sir--

Does it concern a pass or not?

Well, sir, it's not an ordinary pass.

I was married two weeks ago in the Army hospital.

I haven't had my honeymoon yet.

I gave you a three day pass for that, didn't I?

Yes, sir, I was wondering if that order rescinding all

of the passes pertained to me.

Well now, the order didn't read, except for honeymoons,

did it?

No, sir.

Then you have no real reason to be here, have you?

Well, sir, my girlfriend and I are really looking

forward to having a honeymoon.

Your girlfriend?

My wife.

Sergeant, you know why I issued that order

rescinding those passes?

Yes, sir, I understand that someone

broke into the officer's mess and stole a case of wine.

Cooking sherry.

And until he steps forward or is caught, no passes.

Well, sir, I don't think it's fair for the whole company

to be punished just because of one drunk.

Drunk?

You know something about this affair?

- Oh no, sir. - Now wait a minute.

You mentioned drunk.

Was it Schneider? - No, sir.

- Wahacus? - No, sir.

Henshaw?

No, sir.

Farelli?

Those are all the drunks we got.

Maybe we have a new one, sir.

Nobody asked for your opinion.

No pass.

Well, sir, no pass.

My girl's waiting for me down at the PX.

Sir, the poor girl has gone and made

reservations at the Lakeview Lodge, the honeymoon suite.

You know how hard it is to get reservations.

I know, Sergeant.

Your honeymoon will have to wait until we catch our thief.

Well, sir, we can't wait.

My girl is performing in the USO show here now, the brunette

who sings and dances.

In the chiffon dress?

Yes, sir.

Beautiful girl.

Well, thank you very much, sir.

You see, the USO show closes here after the weekend

and goes to another camp. - Oh, no, no, no.

I can't make any exceptions.

Well, sir-- I have just--

And don't get caught off this post, Sergeant

unless you want the book thrown at you.

That'll be all.

Sir.

I said, that'll be all.

But--

Dismissed.

You ladies sure you don't want a bottle of beer?

No, thanks, Sam.

I'm not thirsty.

How about you, Laura?

Sam, do you really think the Captain will make an exception

and give Rob the pass?

Oh, sure, he will.

He's a nice guy.

You'll go on your honeymoon, Laura.

Oh, I hope you're right.

Of course, he is.

A lot of those captains are human beings.

Hey, Rob, over here.

Here we are.

Here he comes, Mr. Good News.

Darling, did you get the pass?

Sure, he did.

You got it, didn't you, Sergeant.

I didn't get it.

Oh, Rob.

Oh, Laura.

Oh, boy.

Oh, Rob, this is just awful.

I mean it isn't even fair.

It's unpatriotic, is what it is.

You mean to tell me he wouldn't even make

an exception for a honeymoon?

He said he wouldn't issue any passes to anybody

until the guy who took that wine was either arrested

or turns himself in.

Well, did you tell him that it was our honeymoon?

Honey, he knows it's our honeymoon.

He doesn't care.

What a rotten deal.

OK, you two stop packing.

You're going on your honeymoon.

Where you going, Sam?

I'm going to confess to the robbery.

Oh, come back here, Sam.

Oh, my goodness, I drank from his beer bottle.

Oh, Millie, Sam didn't do it, did he, Rob?

Of course not.

Did you, Sam?

What's the difference?

The Captain wants a scrapegoat, I'll be his scrapegoat.

Start packing.

Sit down.

Look, I want to go on that honeymoon with Laura

as much as you do.

But, Sam, I'm not going to have any of my friends

doing anything illegal for me.

Rob, can I see you alone for a second?

Why do you want to see him alone?

A little personal business.

Look, we'll get you a couple of beers.

It'll only take a minute.

All right, but don't make Rob do anything illegal.

Laura, trust me.

A couple of beers for the girls.

Sam, what is it?

I can't pay for the beers.

You didn't call me up here just to tell me that, did you?

I know the guy that hooked the case of wine.

You know who stole it?

He lives in the barracks next to mine.

Well, Sam, how do you know it's the right guy?

He asked me to keep two bottles for him

in my barracks bag.

You going to turn him in, Sam?

Nix.

I don't turn anyone in but myself.

But you could.

Oh no, I'm no squealer, Sam.

They'll catch him soon enough.

Well, if they don't catch him in two days, you're dead.

I don't care.

That's the way it's going to have to be.

- You forgot one thing. - What's that?

Pay for the beers.

Here's your beers.

So what did you guys talk about?

Oh, just Army business, Millie.

Sam, why don't you go buy Millie a beer.

Hey, Mil, come on.

I'll get you--

I know, I know, another beer.

Think about it, Rob.

Think about what?

What did Sam tell you?

Well, honey, he just-- he couldn't pay for the beer.

Rob, now what did he tell you?

He thought he had an idea of who took the wine,

but he didn't.

This is just terrible.

One weekend for a honeymoon and we're spending it in the PX.

No, we're not.

What are you thinking?

Honey you and I are going to spend

our honeymoon at the Lakeview Lodge

and it's going to be beautiful.

You're not thinking of going AWOL.

They could court martial you.

They can't court martial you for thinking about it.

Well, you just stop thinking about it.

No, I won't.

If I keep thinking about it, maybe I'll

think of some way to get off this post

and back on it without anybody knowing about it.

But, Rob, you couldn't.

I mean, even if you could, you wouldn't.

Honey, I've got to.

Doggone it, if we don't deserve a honeymoon, nobody does.

Oh, Rob, I'm so scared.

Don't be afraid, honey.

Look, go back to the Lakeview Lodge

and just wait for me there, will you?

What's the address?

It's the Lakeview Lodge and it's on Mulberry Street.

Rob, it's not very elegant.

Honey, it'll be our Taj Mahal.

Rob, I'm afraid.

Don't be, honey.

Just go back and wait for me, will you?

Rob, I know you'll do the right thing.

But whatever it is, don't get caught, please.

Rob.

Where's she going?

To the Taj Mahal.

Listen, are all those costumes still in dressing

rooms at the rec hall?

Yeah, why?

How about the makeup kits.

Yeah, why?

What are you planning to do, Rob?

Sam, you got the keys to the dressing rooms?

- Yeah, why? - Good.

Millie, will you excuse Sam and me.

- Is it for love? - Yes, it is.

You're excuse.

Good.

Millie, remember, you don't know a thing.

I don't know a thing.

You don't know nothing.

Hi, honey. What do you know?

I don't know a thing.

Well, how did you get off the post?

I disguised myself.

As what?

As Laura.

You were walking around wearing Laura's clothes?

Well, a USO girl could walk right off the post.

You have any trouble?

Well, only with a guard at the gate.

Oh, he recognized you?

No, he loved me.

He wanted a date.

I bet you looked like a doll.

No, as a matter of fact, I was the ugliest

looking girl you ever saw, even the fake eyelashes didn't help.

You wore fake eyelashes?

Oh, yeah.

Wear high heels?

No, I couldn't find any to fit so I wore sneakers.

Oh, that's right, make a note of sneakers and the chiffon dress.

Chiffon dress and sneakers?

What's wrong with that?

That's my wife's tennis outfit.

What did Laura say when she saw you like this?

Fortunately, she didn't see me.

You mean, you didn't get to the lodge?

Oh no, I changed before I got there.

How?

In a phone booth.

- A phone booth? - Yeah.

While I was in there struggling with my clothes,

she was back at the honeymoon lodge,

patiently waiting for my footsteps.

Too bad the girl didn't know she had quite a few disappointments

in store for her.

No parties.

No cooking.

No honeymoon.

[rocker creaking]

Hey, stop that rocking up there!

I'm sorry.

[knocking]

Darling.

Linens.

Hello, Mrs. Campbell.

I come to make up your room.

I see your husband hasn't shown yet.

No, no, he'll be here any minute though.

Well, he better be.

I'm not no door man, staying up at all hours.

Well, listen you don't have to stay up.

I can let him in.

I always welcome my guests personally.

I want them to feel like they're in their own home

and I am a member of their family.

Now, when do you expect him?

Well, any, any time.

Do you have a phone?

Yeah, there's a payphone in the kitchen.

It's over the sink.

Thank you.

Fresh towels every time you get people in this place,

it's ridiculous.

If people knew what kind of a water bill you had--

[knocking]

Come in.

Excuse me, I'm looking for my wife.

Who is your wife?

Well, Laura, Laura Petrie.

She said that she rented the bridal suite.

Could you tell me where it is?

What's the matter with your eyes?

Oh, I got cinders in them, dust.

I don't have a lot of time.

Could you direct me to the bridal suite?

This is it, Ace.

This is the bridal suite?

Yeah, your wife will be right back.

Are you-- are you sure this is the bridal suite?

And you're lucky it was vacant.

I am?

Is that the bedroom in there?

No, no.

That's another suite.

This is your suite.

Combination living room and bedroom.

Well, there doesn't seem to be any place to--

oh.

That's your bedroom.

Well, there's no mattress on the bed.

Stupid fool.

I beg your pardon.

Stupid, stupid fool.

Well you can see there's no mattress.

My husband.

He was supposed to put a brand new mattress on the bed today.

Why I ever married that little runt, I'll never know.

Does he expect people to sleep on bare springs?

No, I don't know.

Never mind, I'll bring it up.

Sweet talk, that's all I ever get from him.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.

You're beautiful.

Rob.

Oh, darling.

Honey, I'm sorry I was so late getting here.

Oh, Rob, I'm so glad to see you.

I thought I'd have to spend my honeymoon all alone.

I wouldn't let you spend your honeymoon alone.

Rob, are you wearing false eyelashes?

Well, honey, it was part of my disguise.

What disguise?

Honey, don't ask questions.

I'm here.

That's the important thing.

Rob.

What?

Why don't you take your lashes off?

I'd love to.

How?

Darling, you just pull on them gently.

Ow!

Ooh.

Rob, You have glued them the right to your own lashes.

You're not supposed to, huh?

No.

You'll never get those off.

Oh, boy, I must look like some kind of a nut.

No you don't, darling.

You look kind of cute.

You know who you look like?

Don't tell me.

Bambi.

Honey, the last thing I want to look like to you is Bambi.

I love Bambi.

Honey, is there anything--

anything you can do with them?

Well, I guess I could try to cut them.

Good.

Yeah, get some scissors and try to cut them.

At least get them down to the level of my own lashes.

WOMAN: I warned you about that rocking up there.

There's no rocking allowed after 8:00.

Oh.

Rob, you do look kind of cute this way.

Honey, I don't want to look cute.

I want to look dashing.

Come on, operate.

Yes, sir.

Just a trim.

I'm afraid.

Don't be afraid, honey, just take one lash at a time.

I got your mattress.

Oh, good.

I'll give you a hand.

Sergeant, I'm not one to butt into other's

people's personal affairs.

Wonderful.

Where's the mattress?

Am I mistaken, or was your wife giving you

a haircut on your eyelashes?

Yeah, they grow so fast I can't see past them.

Is the mattress out here?

His eyelashes grow?

Yeah, the whole family, just right out there.

I never heard of such a thing.

Kept me out of the Air Force.

Thank you very much for the mattress.

See you around.

Mrs. Campbell the mattress, isn't it a little small?

Stupid fool.

That's the only size we got.

He was supposed to bring up two.

You don't do it yourself, you never get it done.

Honey, Why uh--

why do they call this the bridal suite?

Well, darling, because it's private.

I mean, well, it's the only one that people

don't have to go through to get to their own rooms.

And it's the closest one to the hall bathroom.

And it has its own private window.

It's over here.

Oh, yeah.

It's beautiful, honey.

You hate it.

Oh, Rob, I'm sorry.

What for?

This suite, I mean, it's not the kind of place I always dreamed

of spending a honeymoon.

Honey, it's fine.

Everything about it just makes you feel so tentative.

Honey, you know, it's not always going to be that way.

[knocking]

Oh, boy.

Come in.

Rob?

Sam.

What are you doing here?

Hi, Laura, how's it going?

Sam, what happened to you?

I hate to bust in on you like this, Rob.

But you've got to get back to the base right away.

What happened?

They sprung a surprise bedcheck and yours was empty.

You got a half hour to get back to the post

before they mark you AWOL.

Oh, what will they do to him?

Well, they haven't marked me AWOL yet, have they, Sam?

No, I told them you took a walk on the obstacle course.

They gave me an hour to find you.

Well, how did you get out of camp?

Through a loophole in the defenses.

Down the infiltration course, over the

barbed wire entanglement. Come on.

We don't have much time.

Rob, go.

Go before they find you.

Honey, I don't want to leave you alone on your honeymoon.

Rob, you have to.

I'll be on all right.

Hey, those lashes work great.

You look like Dumbo.

That's Bambi.

Oh, yeah.

Gee, I cried.

Not now, Sam.

Here's your bedding.

Who's he?

It's his bedding.

He's the best man, that's who he is.

What's he doing here?

He's here on important government business.

Yeah, well, I got a business to run too.

Well now, will one or you guys help my stupid husband

with the mattress.

All right.

Ah!

You trying get me killed?

Will everybody get out of here so I can talk to my wife.

Stupid idiot.

I'll be outside, Rob.

Honey, this hasn't been a very good honeymoon,

but I promise you, I'm going to come back.

When?

Well, I don't know.

You know, if you think about this, it's kind of funny.

You'll see, honey.

10 years from now, you'll look back and laugh at this.

20 years from now, maybe.

Rob, we don't have much time.

I'm coming, Sam.

You better go, darling.

Bye.

All right, take one more. Make it fast.

I will.

Oh.

And then, poor little Laura was left all alone.

And that was it?

What do you mean, sounds like a fun honeymoon to me.

Walking around with women's clothes

on and wearing fake eyelashes sounds like a fun honeymoon

to you?

My wife did it on our honeymoon and I loved it.

Well, then what happened?

Well, the first big problem was getting back to camp.

Don't tell me you put the chiffon on again.

No I had a black knit that was--

Oh, come on.

Come on.

Well, we got back in the same way

Sam got out, over the barbed wire

and through the infiltration course and right

to the captain's office.

All right, at ease.

Let's hear it.

What's the story?

Well it's not much of a story, Captain.

You said to go out and find the Sergeant,

so I went out and found him and here he is.

Found him on the obstacle course.

Sir, you see I was very upset about not

get my honeymoon pass.

So you went for consolation out to the obstacle course.

Chaplain was asleep, sir.

Sam.

You would have saved yourself a lot

of trouble if you'd stayed in your barracks, Sergeant.

Go get showered up and come back in 10 minutes.

Yes, sir.

What's going to happen then, sir?

You're going to get a three day pass.

You're going to give me a three day pass?

You're going to give him a three day pass.

I told you, as soon as we caught our thief,

all those passes would be valid again.

What?

You caught the guy who hooked the booze?

Yes, we caught him.

Schneider?

No.

Henshaw.

He's always at the well, sir.

Drank four bottles of the stuff and then the idiot

showed up on sick call complaining

of an upset stomach.

When was this, sir?

It was just about an hour after we

had the surprise bed check.

Oh, boy.

About two hours after your wife

left camp and her black chiffon dress and white sneakers.

Beautiful girl.

You, you, you saw her leave?

Yes, I saw her loping across the drill field.

That girl can certainly run, sir.

Well, uh, she's a dancer.

You knew she left, huh?

Wasn't any reason to stop her, was there, Sergeant?

No, sir.

Thank you very much, sir.

You're very kind.

Dismissed.

Oh, Sergeant.

Yes, sir.

Before you go, take those darn lashes off, will you?

As soon as I get back to barracks, sir.

I don't want you walking around

the common area like that.

Take them off now.

- Now? - Now.

That's an order.

Sir--

I said that's an order.

Yes, sir.

Isn't that better?

Dismissed.

Ah!

I'll bet Laura was glad to see you with your bald eyelids.

Well, you'd think she'd be, but

by gosh when I got back there, I got

kind of a surprise reception.

I was dressed and back at the honeymoon

cottage in less than an hour.

I'm back.

Your husband's back.

I love you.

[screams]

I thought you were my wife.

What's the matter, beautiful?

Oh forget it.

Go brush your teeth.

Oh, Rob.

Honey, I got a pass.

I thought you were in this room.

Well, I was darling, but then I just couldn't stay here

in the bridal suite by myself.

So I gave her the room across the hall.

Oh am I glad to see you.

Say, would you like to have this room back?

Oh, no. That's all right.

We'll stay right across the hall.

Oh, I warn you.

It's not decorated.

No, no, that's true, darling.

It's not near as fancy as this one.

Does it have a threshold?

Good night.

Oh, so young, beautiful.

Alfred!

[theme music playing]