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[theme music playing]
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ANNOUNCER 1: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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ANNOUNCER 2: And now live from New
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York, "The Alan Brady Show."
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[applause]
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And now here's the star of our show,
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the man who gives you laughter as a gift all year round,
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Alan Brady.
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[applause]
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Ladies and gentlemen, tonight--
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tonight our show's going to be a little different.
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You see, it's a special show.
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And to tell you all about it I'd like
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to bring out the head writer of "The Alan Brady Show,"
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Robert Petrie.
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Come on out, Rob.
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[applause]
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Come on, walk in.
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Hey, Rob.
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Tell 'em all about our show.
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Well, what are you going to do?
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Well, somebody's got to feed these poor reindeer.
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Donna, Blitzen, Betty, come on.
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Ladies-- ladies--
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hi.
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Oh, that-- oh.
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Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to explain
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why we're here this eve--
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instead of-- instead of our regular show, Alan--
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Alan has asked me do something a little different this year on--
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on the show.
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And I'd like to explain what--
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what it is that we're going to do.
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Al-- and I will--
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I will explain what we're going to do
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right after this very important message
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from-- from our sponsor.
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[band playing]
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Hello, ladies and gentlemen, we're
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back now to tell you what--
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what-- why-- why we're all here.
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Actually it all started about a week ago.
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Buddy Sorrell, Sally Rogers, and myself
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had-- were just kind of lounging around our office there.
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And we had written a show and turned it into Mr. Brady.
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We were in a holiday spirit.
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This Christmas lists gets a little longer every year.
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[rickety knocking]
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Is that-- somebody's kicking at the door.
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Either that or the termites are taking dancing lessons.
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Hey!
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Look at that.
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Rob, that's got to be Laura, or Santa Claus
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has got the wildest legs I ever saw.
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Funny feeling in my wallet that's Laura behind there.
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Oh, will you stop with the jokes and help me.
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Oh, boy, what a haul!
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Oh, just what I always wanted, a beautiful wife.
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Not so sure you're going to want me when the bills come in.
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Uh-huh.
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Well, who cares.
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Boy, when Alan seas our Christmas script,
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he's going to give us a bonus and the rest of the week off.
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- Wee! - Rob?
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I just wanted-- oh, all right, let's have it.
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Welcome, Mel, and season's greetings.
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That's all, no insult?
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Never on the holidays.
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Hey, Mel, how'd Alan like the script?
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Well, the first thing I want to tell you
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is that Alan was crazy about it, every word.
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All right!
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Beautiful!
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[interposing voices]
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Take some of these.
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[whistles] Wait.
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Mel, what is the second thing you wanted to say?
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We're not using the script.
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Huh?
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We're not using it?
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Why aren't we using it?
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What is it that everyone says "The Alan Brady Show" lacks?
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A good producer.
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What are you talking about, Mel?
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They say it lacks heart warmth.
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Well, if you want heart warmth, all you have to do
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is eat a large pizza before you go to bed.
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Mel, that script had heart.
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It had warmth, plus an awful lot of our brains in it.
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I don't see why you told Alan not to use it.
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Because somebody gave him a big mouth and he
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opened it before Christmas.
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If you'll all be quiet and listen to my explanation,
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you'll understand.
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Oh, Laura, this will be of special interest to you.
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Me?
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Yes.
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I simply told Alan that we-- since we
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had so many talented people on our staff
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and behind the scenes, this would be a good opportunity
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for the audiences to meet them and their families,
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sort of a Christmas party.
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"The Perry Como Show" used to do that.
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- Exactly. - Yeah.
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Exactly.
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In other words, Mel, we all perform, huh?
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Well, you do so well at parties.
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Well, a network television show is a pretty big party.
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Yeah, what does Alan want us to do?
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Well, anything you want.
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Oh, good.
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Then during the commercials I'll advertise for a fella.
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Might be kind of fun.
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What do you think, honey?
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Well, I don't know.
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Oh, you mean you don't think it's a good idea, Laura?
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I don't know whether I'll sing or dance or both.
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Maybe you and I should do a number together?
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Oh. We'll do it, Mel.
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But we're going to have to change the name of the show
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to an evening with Laura Petrie.
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Oh.
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No, no, no, no, no.
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The show will be called "Alan Brady Presents."
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Presents what?
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Well, that's what we'll have to figure
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out between now and Christmas.
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Well, let's see what they figured out.
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Ready, Rob?
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Ready now.
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[music playing]
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Ladies and gentlemen, many great men have
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been immortalized in song--
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Davy Crockett and his cap, Casey and his bat,
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John Brown and his body, not to forget
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Yankee Doodle and his dandy.
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Tonight we immortalize yet another great man in song.
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[plays notes]
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[plays note]
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(SINGING) Alan Brady.
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Alan Brady.
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Alan Brady.
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Alan Brady.
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Alan Brady.
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Alan Brady.
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Alan Brady.
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Alan Brady.
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[applause]
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[speaking] Oh.
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[sniffs] [hums a note]
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(SINGING) Alan Brady, Alan Brady, Alan Brady, Alan Brady.
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Alan Brady.
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Alan Brady.
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Alan Brady.
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Buddy Sorrell.
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[applause]
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[speaking] OK.
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[applause]
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[hums note]
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(SINGING) Alan Brady.
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Alan Brady.
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Alan Brady.
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Sally Rogers.
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[applause]
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[speaking] We will begin again, if you please.
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[hums note]
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(SINGING) Laura Petrie.
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[applause]
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(SINGING) Alan Brady.
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Alan Brady.
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Alan Brady.
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[speaking] I can trust him.
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He's Alan Brady's brother-in-law.
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[speaking] Melvin Cooley.
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[applause]
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Robert Petrie.
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[applause]
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S Claus, North Pole.
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Dear Santa, (SINGING) I recall each Christmas
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when I was a child.
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Santa's gifts would make my little heart grow wild.
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But now that I'm a woman fully grown,
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there's just one gift I'd really love to own.
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[swing music playing]
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Santa, send a fella into my life,
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someone who is shopping around for a wife.
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I would like to order something Cary Grant-y.
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But I'd even settle for a James Durante.
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Santa, send a fella.
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That's my request.
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As long as he's still breathing, he passes the test.
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I get the fancy paper and the pretty bow.
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Just him them up, Santa, let him go.
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Now, your answer may be, dear madam,
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it's better to give than to receive.
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And my reply will be, you're right.
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Give me an Adam on Christmas Eve.
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I'll be waiting, Santa.
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Don't let me down.
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There must be lots of bachelors all over town.
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If he's older, younger, shorter, tall, he's my cup of tea.
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Santa, send a fella to me.
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If Mr. Cupid knows about my lack of affection,
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how come is arrows have such a lousy sense of direction?
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They say the Army builds men.
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I wish they'd build one for me.
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Santa, send a fella to me-- ee.
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[applause]
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MAN: Package for Miss Sally Rogers.
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Package for Miss Sally Rogers.
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Package?
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For me?
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Gee, I ordered a fella.
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Maybe-- Uh!
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[applause]
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Maybe I should have been a little more specific.
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What'd you expect?
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It's the end of the season.
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You're lucky to get anything.
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I asked Santa to send me something
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with a shape like this.
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Look what I got.
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Now a little musical Christmas gift for you folk out there.
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[piano playing]
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Wait a minute!
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Wait a minute!
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I'm playing a cello solo.
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What is this?
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Well, I'm going to accompany you.
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I don't need any accompaniment.
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Why not?
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Jascha Heifetz has as a whole symphony behind him.
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Yeah, he's afraid to play alone.
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Not me.
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This is a solo instrument, and I am soloing.
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Well, now, look, don't worry.
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I'll play so soft you can hardly know I'm here.
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I hope so.
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I'll give you an arpeggio.
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Listen.
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See?
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You don't even know I'm here.
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I thought you left.
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Don't forget it's my solo.
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OK.
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[cello playing]
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[piano playing]
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Your shoe, I believe.
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Next time my foot.
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My solo.
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This is the Christmas season.
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Give a little.
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I'm sorry.
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It's just every time I hear a song I just have to play it.
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Any song you don't know?
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Just one.
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BUDDY SORRELL: What's that?
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"Jingle Bells."
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You don't know "Jingle Bells?"
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No.
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[plays "jingle bells"]
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[piano playing]
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Wait a minute!
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I thought you didn't know "Jingle Bells."
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I didn't know that was "Jingle Bells!"
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[indistinct arguing]
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Merry Christmas!
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Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
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Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho!
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Oh, Merry Christmas!
273
00:15:15,147 --> 00:15:18,150
Ho, ho, ho, ho!
274
00:15:18,250 --> 00:15:18,917
Oh, ho!
275
00:15:19,018 --> 00:15:20,486
Merry Christmas!
276
00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:21,820
Ho, ho, ho, ho!
277
00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:24,356
Ho ho.
278
00:15:24,456 --> 00:15:25,891
Oh.
279
00:15:25,991 --> 00:15:27,860
Hey, Santa, doesn't look like you're
280
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:30,863
doing too well over there.
281
00:15:30,963 --> 00:15:32,097
Hey, you know something?
282
00:15:32,197 --> 00:15:33,832
I think I know what your trouble is.
283
00:15:33,932 --> 00:15:36,635
You're not ho-ho-ing enough.
284
00:15:36,735 --> 00:15:39,505
I don't believe I've seen you do one ho all day.
285
00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:42,608
Come one, let me see you give out with a ho, ho, ho.
286
00:15:42,708 --> 00:15:44,176
(WOMAN'S VOICE) Ho, ho, ho.
287
00:15:51,684 --> 00:15:54,853
Take off that beard.
288
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:56,288
Ah-ha!
289
00:15:56,388 --> 00:15:58,190
You didn't fool me for a minute.
290
00:15:58,290 --> 00:15:59,358
You're no Santa Claus.
291
00:15:59,458 --> 00:16:00,659
You're a lady.
292
00:16:00,759 --> 00:16:03,462
Sir, please don't tell the Santa Claus people on me.
293
00:16:03,562 --> 00:16:06,165
Who's gonna tell?
294
00:16:06,265 --> 00:16:07,499
I'm glad you're a lady.
295
00:16:07,599 --> 00:16:08,867
- You are? - Yeah.
296
00:16:08,967 --> 00:16:10,703
You know, as a matter of fact, I've been standing over here
297
00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:15,474
all day saying, that Santa Claus over there is driving me crazy.
298
00:16:15,574 --> 00:16:19,845
I never-- I never smelled such a sweet Santa Claus.
299
00:16:19,945 --> 00:16:21,246
Thank you.
300
00:16:21,347 --> 00:16:23,415
Say, you sound very young yourself to be a Santa.
301
00:16:23,515 --> 00:16:26,552
As a matter of fact, I am rather young.
302
00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:33,125
[gasps]
303
00:16:33,225 --> 00:16:36,195
As a matter of fact, I actually do this just because.
304
00:16:36,295 --> 00:16:37,563
You need the money too?
305
00:16:37,663 --> 00:16:40,933
No, I am a wealthy young playboy in disguise.
306
00:16:41,033 --> 00:16:43,669
And I think that I love you.
307
00:16:43,769 --> 00:16:46,638
Will you come away with me and we'll be married on my yacht?
308
00:16:46,739 --> 00:16:47,906
Oh, go on.
309
00:16:48,006 --> 00:16:50,576
You don't have any yacht.
310
00:16:50,676 --> 00:16:52,845
Are you kidding?
311
00:16:52,945 --> 00:16:54,613
That's the smallest thing I own!
312
00:16:58,083 --> 00:17:00,686
(SINGING) I got a summer place in Newport.
313
00:17:00,786 --> 00:17:01,987
[speaking] That's rich!
314
00:17:02,087 --> 00:17:03,822
(SINGING) When the snow flies I'm in Nice.
315
00:17:03,922 --> 00:17:05,124
[speaking] Nice is nice.
316
00:17:05,224 --> 00:17:07,025
(SINGING) I could name a couple of Broadway
317
00:17:07,126 --> 00:17:09,328
shows in which I have a piece.
318
00:17:09,428 --> 00:17:10,729
[speaking] "My Fair Lady?"
319
00:17:10,829 --> 00:17:13,766
(SINGING) I've got yards and yards of green backs
320
00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:15,434
and a diamond mine are two.
321
00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:17,035
[speaking] Why are you telling me all this?
322
00:17:17,136 --> 00:17:20,472
(SINGING) It seems that I have everything but you.
323
00:17:20,572 --> 00:17:22,341
[speaking] Look, money isn't everything.
324
00:17:22,441 --> 00:17:24,877
(SINGING) I got a voice like Perry Como.
325
00:17:24,977 --> 00:17:26,145
[speaking] Ooh, he's good.
326
00:17:26,245 --> 00:17:27,446
(SINGING) I can act like Shirley Booth.
327
00:17:27,546 --> 00:17:29,114
[speaking] Didn't she win an Emmy?
328
00:17:29,214 --> 00:17:32,251
(SINGING) And they say that I look just like Stanley
329
00:17:32,351 --> 00:17:34,720
Laurel in his youth.
330
00:17:34,820 --> 00:17:39,925
I can trip the light fantastic like Astaire and Kelly do.
331
00:17:40,025 --> 00:17:41,326
[speaking] Aw, you're marvelous.
332
00:17:41,427 --> 00:17:44,730
(SINGING) It seems that I have everything but you.
333
00:17:47,433 --> 00:17:50,035
I'm the last of the red-hot spenders.
334
00:17:50,135 --> 00:17:53,072
I'm the chairman of the board.
335
00:17:53,172 --> 00:17:56,175
I lend to money lenders.
336
00:17:56,275 --> 00:17:58,043
There's nothing I can't afford.
337
00:17:58,143 --> 00:17:59,211
[speaking] Oh, boy!
338
00:17:59,311 --> 00:18:00,712
(SINGING) I got a wild imagination.
339
00:18:00,813 --> 00:18:02,081
[speaking] That I believe!
340
00:18:02,181 --> 00:18:05,317
(SINGING) So it comes as no surprise.
341
00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:08,153
All the things that I've been telling you
342
00:18:08,253 --> 00:18:10,055
are just a pack of lies.
343
00:18:10,155 --> 00:18:11,323
[speaking] I knew it!
344
00:18:11,423 --> 00:18:14,092
(SINGING) Though my office may be empty
345
00:18:14,193 --> 00:18:18,931
and my talents may be few, I know that I'd
346
00:18:19,031 --> 00:18:22,634
have everything if I had you.
347
00:18:47,793 --> 00:18:51,296
(SINGING) You're the handsomest-looking fella,
348
00:18:51,396 --> 00:18:55,000
and I'll never let you go.
349
00:18:55,100 --> 00:19:02,107
So won't you come and join me right under the mistletoe.
350
00:19:02,207 --> 00:19:04,076
You got a voice like Louis Armstrong.
351
00:19:04,176 --> 00:19:05,344
Yeah, yeah.
352
00:19:05,444 --> 00:19:07,746
(SINGING) And your actions are uncouth.
353
00:19:07,846 --> 00:19:11,450
And I think that all the gold you have
354
00:19:11,550 --> 00:19:14,319
could hardly fill a tooth.
355
00:19:14,419 --> 00:19:20,259
Though your pockets may be empty and your talents may be few,
356
00:19:20,359 --> 00:19:25,831
if this is a proposal then I'll say--
357
00:19:25,931 --> 00:19:28,800
I do.
358
00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:31,470
[applause]
359
00:19:41,113 --> 00:19:44,283
[music, "little drummer boy"]
360
00:19:47,419 --> 00:19:53,692
(SINGING) Come, they told me, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum.
361
00:19:56,828 --> 00:20:03,001
A newborn king to see, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum.
362
00:20:05,904 --> 00:20:09,608
I have no gift to bring--
363
00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:16,548
pah-rum, pum-pum, pum-- that's fit to give
364
00:20:16,648 --> 00:20:22,120
our king, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum, rum, pah-pum,
365
00:20:22,220 --> 00:20:24,790
pum, rum, pah-pum, pum.
366
00:20:26,992 --> 00:20:37,836
Shall I play for you, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum, on my drum?
367
00:20:45,477 --> 00:20:51,783
Mary nodded, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum.
368
00:20:54,519 --> 00:21:00,926
The ox and lamb kept time, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum.
369
00:21:03,729 --> 00:21:09,868
I played my drum for him, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum.
370
00:21:13,071 --> 00:21:18,577
I played my best for him, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum, rum,
371
00:21:18,677 --> 00:21:22,848
pum-pum, pum, rum pum-pum, pum.
372
00:21:30,155 --> 00:21:40,932
Then he smiled at me, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum, me and my drum.
373
00:21:44,903 --> 00:21:45,871
Me and my drum.
374
00:21:51,243 --> 00:21:53,845
[applause]
375
00:22:01,186 --> 00:22:03,789
[military-style music playing]
376
00:22:05,557 --> 00:22:08,193
(SINGING) I am a fine musician.
377
00:22:08,293 --> 00:22:10,028
I practice every day.
378
00:22:10,128 --> 00:22:13,999
And people come from miles around just to hear me play.
379
00:22:14,099 --> 00:22:18,370
Mu trum-- my trumpet, they love to hear my trumpet.
380
00:22:18,470 --> 00:22:20,472
Tah-dah-dah-dah, tut, tut, tut-tut tut,
381
00:22:20,572 --> 00:22:22,674
tuh, tuh tut, tut, tuh.
382
00:22:25,744 --> 00:22:28,280
(SINGING) I am a fine musician.
383
00:22:28,380 --> 00:22:29,948
And I get lots of pay.
384
00:22:30,048 --> 00:22:34,019
And when I play my tuba people throw money my way.
385
00:22:34,119 --> 00:22:38,156
My tuba, my tuba, they love to hear my tuba.
386
00:22:38,256 --> 00:22:41,727
Oompah, oompah, oompah-oompah, oompah, oompah, oom-pah-oom.
387
00:22:41,827 --> 00:22:43,895
(SINGING) Tat-tadda-tat tat, tat-dadda-tat,
388
00:22:43,995 --> 00:22:46,565
tat, tat, tat, tat, tat.
389
00:22:50,369 --> 00:22:52,270
(SINGING) I am a fine musician.
390
00:22:52,370 --> 00:22:54,306
My music is so gay.
391
00:22:54,406 --> 00:22:58,110
And everybody dances when they hear me play.
392
00:22:58,210 --> 00:23:02,514
My trombone, my trombone, they love to hear my trombone.
393
00:23:02,614 --> 00:23:04,282
Da, da, dun-dun, da.
394
00:23:04,382 --> 00:23:05,851
Da, da-da, da, da-dun da.
395
00:23:05,951 --> 00:23:18,363
[ALL VOCALIZING THEIR INSTRUMENT SOUNDS]
396
00:23:18,463 --> 00:23:20,365
(SINGING) I am a fine musician.
397
00:23:20,465 --> 00:23:22,100
That's what the people say.
398
00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:26,171
And all the children follow me when they hear me play.
399
00:23:26,271 --> 00:23:30,275
My piccolo, my piccolo, they love to hear my piccolo.
400
00:23:30,375 --> 00:23:32,377
Deedle-ee, dee, dee, deedle-ee dee, dee.
401
00:23:32,477 --> 00:23:34,312
Deedle, deedle, dee, dee, deedle, deedle, dee.
402
00:23:34,412 --> 00:23:44,990
[ALL VOCALIZING THEIR INSTRUMENT SOUNDS]
403
00:23:45,090 --> 00:23:48,160
(SINGING) We all are fine musicians.
404
00:23:48,260 --> 00:23:49,995
We practice every day.
405
00:23:50,095 --> 00:23:53,999
And if you'd like to join us we'll show you the way.
406
00:23:54,099 --> 00:23:54,933
Come join us.
407
00:23:55,033 --> 00:23:56,067
Come join us.
408
00:23:56,168 --> 00:23:57,936
Just take a part and join us.
409
00:23:58,036 --> 00:24:00,806
[ALL VOCALIZING THEIR INSTRUMENT SOUNDS]
410
00:24:09,447 --> 00:24:10,582
(SINGING) Deedle-ee, dee, dee.
411
00:24:10,682 --> 00:24:12,617
Deedle-ee, dee, dee.
412
00:24:12,717 --> 00:24:14,452
Deedle, deedle, dee-- dee--
413
00:24:14,553 --> 00:24:15,787
[tearfully] deedle-deedle, dee.
414
00:24:19,558 --> 00:24:22,160
[applause]
415
00:24:29,534 --> 00:24:32,137
[HUMMING "THE DICK VAN DYKE" THEME MUSIC]
416
00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:45,250
[theme music playing]
417
00:25:15,247 --> 00:25:16,882
.
28846
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