All language subtitles for The Dick Van Dike Show S03_E03

[theme song]

NARRATOR: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

[phone rings]

Why do I always have to answer the phone?

You have a better speaking voice.

Why, thank you, my dear.

Hello.

Hey, hi, Ed.

Ed who?

Ed Rubin.

Hey Ed, what happened?

One of my policies lapse or something?

Oh, well, good.

That's good to hear.

In other words, my survivors will

still be financially able to go dining

and dancing and everything.

I see.

If I'm trampled by a herd of Buffalo,

it's very fatal anyhow.

You're very funny.

No, nothing much.

We're watching a little television.

No, that's fine with me if you'd like.

Hey, I'll tell you, why don't you

come over in about a half hour.

I'd like to watch the premiere of a new situation comedy

first.

OK, fine.

See you later.

Honey, Ed Rubin wants to come over to discuss something

a little later, do you mind?

Well, even if I did, it's too late now, isn't it?

Well, don't you want him to come over?

No, no, it's not that, but don't you

think you could have asked me that question

before you hung up?

Well, honey, if you don't want to come over.

I'll just call him--

No, no, let him come as long as you're told him to.

Laura, don't you like Ed?

Why do you say that?

Well, I don't know.

Every time I have any business with Ed Rubin,

you get that certain way.

And what way is that?

Just like that.

All knotted up.

I'm not knotted, Rob.

I'm just a little tired, darling.

Well, honey, Ed won't be here for half an hour.

Why don't you to take a nap or something then?

Yeah, I think I will.

OK.

Suppose that's all about.

Turn the set on.

[tv playing loudly]

TV ANNOUNCER: So plan to join us next week to meet the mermaids.

I don't think I'll be able to make it.

[doorbell rings]

Come in.

Oh, hi, Ed. - Oh, hi, Rob.

Am I early?

No, as a matter of fact, you're late.

I had to watch that whole show.

Eh.

[whistles] Let me take your things.

Oh, wait, don't be too anxious.

Those are blank insurance forms you're grabbing.

No!

Go ahead and sit down.

How you feel, Rob?

Oh, I feel like I'm never going

to collect on their health insurance you sold me.

Good, good, I'm always glad to hear that.

Where's your lovely wife?

Oh, she's in taking a nap.

I'll get her up.

Honey?

Ed Rub-- Ed Rub--

Well, that's funny.

I thought she was taking a nap.

Laura, Ed Rubin's here.

Laura.

I can't figure that out.

Maybes she's in the Kitchen fixing something

good for us to chew on.

Hey, honey?

Laura?

Well, I can't figure that out.

I don't know where she's gone to.

That's funny.

Maybe she's ran next door to the neighbors to bother them

a little while.

Hey, do you want me to call her or do you really need her?

Well, I do.

But even if I didn't, it'd be nice to have her here.

She really brightens up a room.

I don't think I'd better call her.

ED RUBIN: Why not?

Well, two reasons.

First of all, you're too good looking,

and the second thing is you know Laura's funny about insurance.

She never like to discuss my policies.

Yeah, you know, I've always noticed that,

and that's surprising because most women are very

interested in the kind of insurance

that their husbands are buying.

Yeah, but not Laura.

She thinks I'm going to live forever.

I want to do my very best to please her.

Well, this is her policy Rob, so I guess you're

going to have to find her.

What, you mean another policy on her life?

No, no, it's the same one that we discussed months ago,

but Laura never signed the forms.

You sure?

Yeah, well, I never got them back

so I figured I'd come over here personally,

and have her sign them on the spot.

That is unless you got some other thoughts.

Oh, no, no.

As I remember that was a wonderful policy.

Liked it.

Had that the Buffalo trampling clause in it.

Oh, she probably just forgot to mail

it in or sign it or something.

You know how women are.

Mill, Millie?

It's Rob.

Hey, is Laura over there?

Well, no. She just disappeared.

I don't know, I couldn't figure out where she went.

No, don't worry about it.

She's probably at some other neighbors.

I'll find her. OK.

Goodbye, Mill.

Can you beat that?

I'm sorry, Ed, looks like I misplaced my wife.

Hey, am I covered for that?

[music playing]

Oh, I see, she isn't then.

OK, well, thank you very much.

After midnight.

She could be at the Bostics.

The Bostics.

It's the last call I make before I call the police.

Disappear out of here like Lamont Cranston.

Hello, hello?

Wilbur?

Rob.

What?

Rob.

Petrie.

Rob Petrie.

Yeah, Robert Petrie.

Well, skinny.

Yeah, that's it.

How are you, Wilbur?

How's-- how's-- how's your wife, Estelle--

Esther-- Elaine?

I was going to say Elaine.

Oh, nothing much.

I just haven't seen you and Estelle--

Es-- Elaine.

Well, what are you doing with yourselves tonight/ Oh, really?

Is that so?

I didn't know people went to bed at 9:00.

After midnight, is that so?

I'm awfully sorry.

No, look, why don't you just go back to sleep,

and I'll call you later.

Yeah, you say goodbye to Es--

Elaine.

No, don't wake her up, Wilbur.

That's OK.

Goodbye to you, old bean.

Hi, darling.

Who you talking to?

Wilbur Bostic.

Wilbur Bostic.

Well, what on Earth did he want?

He wanted to go back to bed.

I called him.

You called Wilbur?

I thought you couldn't stand him.

I can't stand him.

Now you know how upset I was.

I called everybody in the whole PTA.

Where were you?

What do you mean where was I?

ROB: What do you mean what do I mean where was you?

Where are you?

I was out.

I know that.

I am simply trying to establish where.

Oh!

You'll wake up Ritchie.

(WHISPERS) Where were you?

Well, I don't understand this third degree.

It's not like you.

I'm not being like me because you're not being like you.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Is there any coffee left?

I don't know.

It is not like you to disappear for two solid hours or more

without telling anybody.

Where were you?

I went to a movie.

A movie?

Yes, is there anything wrong in going to a movie?

Well, I think movies are a marvelous

form of entertainment, but you knew that Ed

Rubin was coming over here.

Well, I was just anxious to see this picture.

What picture?

The picture that was playing at The Crown.

I didn't want to miss it.

The Crown.

What's playing at The Crown?

Wait a minute.

You went to The Crown to see Peter Lorrie and Vincent Price

in "The Horrible Doctor Charming?"

Yes.

I asked you to go see that with me a week ago.

You said you didn't want to sit through a horror movie.

Now what made you decide you wanted to see it tonight?

Well, you seemed so eager to see it that night,

and you did say it was a great satire on a horror movie,

and you convinced me.

Anyway, Rob, I don't see what's wrong

and doing things on an impulse.

I mean, you do it all the time, and I never make you

feel like you're a criminal.

Well, I'd--

I just wish you'd told me about it.

We could have got a babysitter.

We've could have both gone.

I'm sorry, darling.

Would you like some coffee?

Yeah, I'd like some.

Before I forget, honey.

Ed left some forms for you to sign.

Honey, you hear me?

What kind of forms?

Well insurance forms.

You remember that insurance policy he talked

to us about a while back?

You mean a policy on me?

Yeah, I thought we had one, and Ed said

you never sent the forms back.

Oh?

I thought I had.

Well, so did I. Wait a minute, honey, I'll go get them.

[dish clatters]

Here they are, honey.

Look, all you have to do is just fill them

out, and sign both places where the X

is, and mail them back to Ed.

He'll have to call you about a doctor's appointment

for the examination.

A doctor's appointment?

Yeah, honey, they don't like to insure

you if you're falling apart.

[music playing]

[phone rings]

I got it, honey.

LAURA: Thank you, dear.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Ed.

Hi.

No, she finally came home.

No, no, she had been to a movie.

How do you like that?

Yeah, Ed.

Well, I told her that you'd call about the doctor's appointment.

Well, I'd much rather you arrange it with her.

You know, well, yeah, she's here now.

OK, I'll go get her.

Just a minute.

Honey?

Laura?

Honey, Ed Rubin's calling about that doctor's visit.

Laura?

Honey?

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, Rich.

Have you seen Mommy?

When?

This morning.

Didn't you see her?

She sleeps in your room.

Never mind.

That's funny.

Hey, Ed?

Yeah, well, I hate to tell you, but I think

I misplaced my wife again.

I know, I'm not covered for that.

All I can do is have her call you when she comes back

from wherever it is she went.

OK, good so long, Ed.

Daddy, where is Mommy?

Rich?

Would you hang up that phone in there, please?

I'll be right in.

RITCHIE (ON PHONE): OK.

RITCHIE: But where is she?

I wish I knew.

You wish you knew what, dear?

Why, where have you been?

What do you mean where have I been?

Honey, why do you keep asking me

what I mean when I ask you where you've been?

Because you keep asking me where I've been.

I don't keep asking.

I asked you twice.

Last night, and just now.

Where were you last night, Mommy?

Ritchie, sit down at the table, and eat your breakfast.

But there's no breakfast on the table.

Well, then, dear, go get some cold cereal and milk.

But where were you?

Ritchie.

Rich, we better get some cold cereal and milk.

RITCHIE: Well, where was she, Daddy?

Rich, Mommy went to a movie last night.

RITCHIE: Oh.

Where was she this morning?

ROB: Rich, I think you better sit down, and eat

your cold cereal and milk.

OK.

All right, if you two gentlemen must know,

I went out the front door to get the newspaper,

then I went around the back to turn on the lawn sprinkler.

And I hope that satisfies you both.

I'm satisfied.

Honey, you don't have to get so excited.

Rob, I just don't understand why

it is that all of a sudden I have

to start accounting for my whereabouts every minute

of every day.

I did not ask for an accounting.

Ed Rubin called--

Ed Rubin, Ed Rubin.

That's all you've been talking about for the last week.

All of a sudden, the whole world revolves around Ed Rubin.

Honey, all Ed Rubin wants you to do--

Is to keep signing insurance forms.

Well, Rob, I happen to have more important things

to do with my time.

Ed Rubin, Ed Rubin.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

I think, honey, that I've done something terribly wrong,

and you're going to tell me what it is until I

guess what it is, right?

Rich, how about a banana for your cereal?

I'd rather have raisins.

Well, dear, I don't have any raisins.

Oh, that's OK.

I'll pick them out of this cereal.

Laura, I think it'd be a whole lot better for our marriage

if I ate my breakfast downtown.

Suit yourself.

OK, I'll call you later.

Honey, the reason Ed Rub-- our insurance broker called was he

wanted to talk to you about making a doctor's appointment.

Thank you.

Welcome.

Numbers on the application there.

Thank you.

It's all right.

Goodbye, Rich.

Bye, Daddy.

Mommy, can I have a glass for my milk?

Not before breakfast, Rich.

Drink your milk.

Ritchie, what--

[music playing]

There's something wrong with her.

One minute she's in the bedroom, the next minute

she's out picking up the paper and turning on the sprinklers.

Well, now look, Rob, I don't see what's

wrong with going out to pick up the paper,

and turning on the sprinklers.

Nothing is except you did not pick up the paper.

She did not turn on the sprinklers.

She only said she did.

Maybe she forgot.

Then why did she go running out of the house?

Maybe she heard the ice cream truck.

My wife always runs out when she hears those bells.

Would you cut it out, please?

He's serious.

Well, so is Pickles.

She loves strawberry sundaes on a stick.

Well, she could have heard that phone ring.

And thinking it was the ice cream man.

Thinking it was the insurance man.

She ran out to buy some strawberry life

insurance on a stick.

She ran out to a movie and she knew

the insurance man was coming.

She obviously don't want to see the insurance man.

Why not?

Don't holler at me.

I don't even know the guy.

Sure you do.

Ed Rubin, tall, good looking guy.

That's him.

Hey, Rob, do you think she's afraid to see

him because maybe he's a wolf?

No, no, he's a happily married man.

She is afraid because I want to take out that policy on her.

Well, why would she be afraid of that?

Same reason my wife was.

Since the day I took out the policy,

she's sure I'm going to murder her.

She's afraid all right.

She's afraid.

You know, she conveniently lost the last set of applications.

There's something on the insurance policy

that scares her, but what is it?

Oh, that's easy.

You have to give your right age.

That would scare you, but not Laura.

Thanks a lot.

Well, she's-- she's married.

She don't have to lie.

All women have to lie.

It's nature's way of protecting them from the truth.

The physical maybe.

Maybe she's afraid to go for the physical examination.

Yeah, because every time I mention a doctor's appointment,

she tenses up.

Maybe he got a cold stethoscope.

Will you cut that out, please?

Rob, do you think she's hiding a condition from you?

Looks that way, doesn't it.

Hey, congratulations.

I hope it looks like Laura.

That's not the kind of condition

you hide from your husband.

Oh, yeah.

Babies are good news.

Yeah.

You know something?

I may be wrong, but I'm going to have to find out.

Hey, Rob, you just have to think maybe

she's just angry with you.

Well, what for?

Oh, I don't know.

Have you insulted her parents lately?

No.

BUDDY: Her dancing? Her cooking?

No.

Her baking?

Her shampooing?

ROB: No.

Shampooing?

Well, yeah, a lot of times when Pickles' washing my hair,

she gets soap in my eyes, and I have to holler at her.

Your wife shampoos your hair?

Doesn't everybody's?

[phone rings]

Hello?

Oh, hi, honey.

It's me.

LAURA (ON PHONE): Hi.

How-- how are things?

Fine.

You get a chance to call Ed Rubin?

No, I didn't.

Is that what you called about?

Honey, you don't want to take out that policy, do you?

Rob, why wouldn't I want to take out a policy?

I don't know.

Well, do you want me to make a doctor's appointment for you?

No!

Now Rob, I said I'd take care of it.

So if that's all you called about, dear,

you'll have to excuse me.

I have some things to do.

Well, I'm sorry.

Oh, well, I'll see you tonight.

LAURA (ON PHONE): All right.

Bye.

Bye.

Well?

Well, I was right.

She's hiding something from me, and it definitely has to do

with that insurance policy.

[music playing]

Rob, what are you doing?

What are you doing?

I'm changing my shoes.

Did you just lock that door?

That's right.

LAURA: Why?

Because you're changing your shoes.

That doesn't make any sense at all.

You know that it does.

You're sitting there putting on you're

going out of the house shoes.

You were planning on leaving, weren't you?

What makes you think so?

Because you know me.

I never mentioned Ed Rubin, or the insurance policy,

or the physical examination all through dinner.

Now you know darn well that I was

waiting for Rich to go to bed to discuss it, didn't you?

I didn't know anything of the sort.

You were planning to go out.

Not out, Rob.

Just next door to Millie.

She asked me to help her with some hymns.

You can hymn a little later.

Right now, I would like to discuss this.

Would you sit down, please?

Rob, will you stop acting like E.G. Marshall?

If you'll stop acting like a guilty defendant.

Rob, give me the key.

This is only going to take 30 seconds

or however long it takes for you to tell me

what there is about an ordinary life insurance

policy that can change a fairly normal

housewife into a nervous nut.

You might as well tell me.

You're not leaving here until you do.

Honey, look if it'll help you any,

I want you to know that no matter

what it is, I'll love you just as much as I always have,

which is considerable.

Now honey, what is it?

Oh, Rob.

You'll just never forgive me.

I know you won't.

You just won't.

Honey, tell me what it is.

It's terrible, that's what it is.

It's just terrible.

Well, honey, you can tell me.

Well, does it have something to do with the insurance policy?

Then, honey, tell me what it is.

I lied to you.

Oh, Rob, all these years, we said

we'd never lie to each other.

And I lied to you!

What?

What?

Sex, female.

You couldn't have lied about that.

Here.

What?

Age?

You lied about your age?

Oh, Rob.

Oh, honey, come on now.

It's not as terrible as that.

Honey, a lot of women lie about their age.

[sobbing]

Oh, come on.

Now, honey, tell me how many years.

[sobbing]

Two years?

[sobbing incoherently]

OK, honey, please.

Now it just means that I didn't marry a blushing 19-year-old,

I married a 21-year-old hag, huh?

No, no!

Well, what-- you mean I married a 17-year-old girl?

Well, it's not so--

I still love you, honey.

Everything's going to be all right.

Now just relax, everything's going to be fine.

I'm sorry, Rob.

Well, I'm glad I finally told you.

Well, I don't know if I can imagine.

I don't see how you kept a secret like that

all these years, honey.

Oh!

Why do you think you had to lie about your age?

Well, because you probably wouldn't have married

me if you knew I was only 17.

Might-- might have scared me a little bit.

I was scared enough as it was.

And we couldn't have gotten a marriage license

if I put down my right age so--

Yeah, I didn't think about--

oh, boy.

What's the matter?

Oh, boy.

What "oh, boy?"

Nothing, honey.

Nothing.

Well, what is it?

What is it?

Well, honey, there's no use getting

excited until I check it out.

Check what out?

Well, [stammers] it's possible we're not legally married.

Oh, Rob, that's impossible.

We have a son, and--

oh, Rob.

Now, honey--

Oh, our poor baby!

Now don't get emotional till we have to.

Who are you calling?

I'm going to call our lawyer.

Marvin?

What are you going to ask him?

If I have to sleep in the den tonight.

Oh, Rob!

Uh-huh. Yeah, I see.

- What did he say? - Please, honey.

Rob, what's he saying?

Just a minute, Marvin.

Honey, why don't you go listen on the extension?

No, I can't.

I'm too embarrassed.

Yeah, Marvin.

Yeah, I see.

I see, yeah.

Well, in other words, it's not a big problem.

It's a little problem.

What's a little problem?

Please.

Well, OK, Marvin, you can--

well, yeah.

Well, sure we'll invite you.

See you tomorrow.

Invite him?

To what?

Uh--

Our wedding?

Uh, yeah.

Marvin recommends one.

Oh, Rob.

Why?

Well, honey, we got married one of the few states

where they insist on an absolutely

accurate and truthful statement on the marriage license.

Technically, we're illegal.

Rob, what are we going to do?

Well, why don't we run out and get married?

When?

Tonight.

You mean, we elope?

Yeah, yeah, we can-- we can get Millie and Jerry, drive up

the Greenwich and get married.

And on the way back, we'll stop and see the last showing

of the "Charming Dr. Horrible."

Marriage and a movie?

Sure, it's a perfect evening.

What do you say?

Wait a minute.

We can't elope tonight.

Why not, honey?

Because we haven't got a babysitter.

Oh, darn!

Wait!

We can get married tomorrow night.

Well, yeah, but tomorrow night the movie's not playing.

[music playing]

Hope you join us next week and watch us get

married for the second time.

17-year-old girl.

[theme song]