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[MUSIC - THEME, "THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW"]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Matthew, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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OK, everybody, why don't you come over here and sit down.
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Bring your coffee.
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OK, wonderful, thank you.
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Mel, come right over here and sit down, lean back and relax.
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Thank you, Rob.
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Laura, you're a wonderful cook.
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I don't know when I've enjoyed a better meal.
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I don't either.
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Really pays to fuss.
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As a matter of fact, this has been a very pleasant evening.
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Well, thank you, Mel.
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You're very sweet to say so.
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Honey, stop bowing.
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The only reason Mel's happy is because Buddy isn't here.
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You promised you wouldn't mention that name.
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You know, everybody's been so nice to me,
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I think I ought to send my wife out of town more often.
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It's your wife's sister that had the baby.
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First one.
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I talked with my wife this morning
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and we have a lovely niece.
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That's a lucky baby.
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What do you mean lucky?
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Oh, you've never met my sister-in-law.
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ROB: Oh, what does she look like?
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A lot like my brother-in-law.
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Well, is that the one that Buddy calls Godzilla?
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That's the one.
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Yeah.
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But the baby's gorgeous.
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I highly suspect they gave him the wrong child.
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The wrong child?
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Did I say something funny?
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You sure did.
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You just said you highly suspect the hospital
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gave him the wrong child.
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But that's impossible, right Rob?
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Well--
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True, Mel, if you have any questions on the subject,
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ask Rob.
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He's kind of an expert.
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Oh, really?
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MILLIE: Oh, sure.
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Rob, tell Mel what happened when you brought
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Ritchie home from the hospital.
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No, no.
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Nobody wants to hear that. - Yes, they do.
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What happened?
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JERRY: Tell him.
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It was nothing.
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It was a silly mistake.
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It was just nothing.
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Nothing?
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He just decided they had the role baby, that's all.
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He didn't.
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He did.
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You didn't!
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I did.
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Now, wait a minute, Mel.
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If you'd been in my position and collected all the evidence
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that I did, you would begin to believe also that the hospital
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gave you the role baby.
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I never heard of anybody getting the wrong baby.
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What was this evidence?
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Well, let's see.
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First, well, it was the blue foot.
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You remember that, Jerry.
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What blue foot.
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Well, Jerry--
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Darling, why don't you just start at the beginning.
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OK.
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Well, you see, Jerry and I had gone to the hospital
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to bring Laura and Ritchie home.
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You know how hectic that first day can be.
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Well, I was no worse than any other father,
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no more nervous, no less nervous.
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Rob.
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Rob.
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Rob. I'm fine.
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I'm all right. I'm all right.
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Darling, aren't you feeling better?
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I'm just fine, just fine.
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Let's stop all this gabbing.
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Honey, sit down.
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You shouldn't be standing up.
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Sit.
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Please, we've got an awful lot to do.
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Jerry.
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You got a lot to do.
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Like fainting again.
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Jerry, I didn't faint.
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I just got a little dizzy on that elevator trip up here.
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Rob, we're only on the second floor.
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I went all the way to the 10th floor.
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Why?
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I got stuck with an emergency appendectomy.
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They wouldn't let me off.
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OK.
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All right, now.
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Jerry, start grabbing things.
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Right.
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Rob, did you eat anything today?
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Of course I ate, honey.
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What?
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Pretzel, potato chips, and a bottle of sour milk.
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Where on Earth did you buy sour milk?
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You don't buy it, honey.
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There's 12 bottles of it on the back porch.
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Would you do me a favor, darling.
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Please eat this apple for my sake.
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OK, honey, I'll eat it later.
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Right now I'm just fine.
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All right Jerry, you get the bag.
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- I got it. - You got the flowers.
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- I got it. - Did I pack that?
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Yes, you did.
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Oh, that's all right, I'll just take it, honey.
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- Now I can take these-- - No, no.
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I'll take them, honey. Give them to me.
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I'll take them.
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You're not carrying anything.
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Put the giraffe neck under my neck.
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OK.
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Did you pay the bill?
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I payed the bill. Jerry, you got it?
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JERRY: I got it.
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All right, that is just about everything, huh?
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How about the baby?
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Aw, only a mother would think of that.
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[knocking]
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Come in.
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Oh, that's probably it now.
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Let me see, let me see that cute little bundle of sheets.
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We need to make up this room right away, please.
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- What's that for? - Hospital rules.
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Patients have to ride out.
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Good rule, good rule.
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Honey, wait, I'll help you.
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I can do it.
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Grab that thumb.
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Easy, take it easy.
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Here's your baby, Mrs. Petrie.
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Ah, ha!
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Let me see, let me see.
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Watch for the head.
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Let me see that boy.
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Oh, hi, son.
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I'll be right back with the baby's records.
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Thank you.
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Honey, you shouldn't be exert-- you
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shouldn't be carrying the baby.
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Jerry, put that stuff down.
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Darling, it's silly.
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Take that.
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I got it.
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Oh Rob, darling, let me carry the baby.
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Take the box of candy.
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Right.
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Oh no, this goes under your chin.
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Oh.
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Watch his head.
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OK.
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OK, honey, sit down in the chair.
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OK.
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Comfortable? - Yes.
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All right, Jer, have you got anything?
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- Yeah, yeah. - All right.
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Good, we're all set? - All set.
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- Go. - OK.
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Jer?
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- Darling. - Let me see.
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Why don't you give me the baby.
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No, honey.
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Look you take the baby.
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OK, Jer.
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Get-- no, I'll get that stuff.
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That goes under your arm.
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I'm sorry, this has been such a busy day.
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Now these are the baby's records.
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You must put them in a safe place.
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Mr--
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Would you put that in my breast pocket, please?
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Right there.
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Yes, of course.
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I'm so sorry.
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Mrs. Petrie, I have your valuables right here.
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Would you check them please?
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Oh no.
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These aren't mine, I had just a watch.
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Oh, stupid.
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Room 203.
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Busy, busy, busy.
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Here is room 208.
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That's it.
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Yes, well, goodbye Mr. and Mrs. Petrie,
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and I wish you a lot of luck with her.
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Her?
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Oh, I'm sorry, him.
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Baby boy Peters.
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No, Petrie.
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Whatever.
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Please don't come, make up Mrs. Petrie's room.
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But we're the Petries.
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Well, whatever.
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They're leaving today, too.
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Boy will I be glad when this day is over.
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How'd you like that, tiger.
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She thought you were a girl.
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But what a madhouse this place is.
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Let's get out of here, ready? - Ready.
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OK, honey. Come on.
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Let's go.
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No, Rob, the nurse will do it.
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Oh.
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I'm so glad you haven't left.
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Look what just came for you.
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There's a chain.
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Put them here.
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Hang them over my neck.
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How does that feel?
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Fine.
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Fine.
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You're going to be proud of her.
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Him, him.
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Well, whatever.
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You mean just because of those little mix ups,
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you thought you had the wrong baby.
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Oh no, the things that happened at the hospital
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were just a preview of things to come.
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What happened?
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Well, I really don't know what was going on
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in Rob's feverish mind, because at the time Millie
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and I were busy taking care of the baby.
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Well, you know something, Jerry?
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This is getting to me.
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I think I'm a premature father.
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JERRY: Rob, why don't you eat something?
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Yeah.
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Come on, Rob, sit down, relax.
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All right.
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Oh, boy, what a day.
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Exhausted.
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Well listen, that hospital could wear anybody out.
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I never saw such confusion.
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Yeah.
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Jer, who do you think the baby looks like?
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I don't know.
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How can you tell at this age?
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I mean their looks change every day.
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Now that first day he looked like you.
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Yeah.
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Then a little later he looked something like Laura.
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And then today coming home in the cab,
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he looked a lot like Ralph Maronti.
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Who's Ralph Martoni?
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The cab driver.
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Didn't you see his picture.
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Little pudgy, bald guy.
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Rob, listen.
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All newborn babies look like Ralph Martoni.
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I mean, the hospital could give you any kid,
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and you wouldn't know the difference.
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Yeah, my grandmother warned me about that.
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Rob, that's some baby.
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Oh, thanks, Mel.
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Hey, Mel?
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Who do you think the baby looks like?
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Well, the first time I saw him,
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I thought he was the image of you.
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Yeah?
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But today.
276
00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:04,477
He looks a lot like Laura?
277
00:09:04,577 --> 00:09:08,014
No, he doesn't look like either one of you.
278
00:09:08,114 --> 00:09:10,149
Ralph Martoni.
279
00:09:10,249 --> 00:09:11,384
Nothing, Mill.
280
00:09:11,484 --> 00:09:12,785
Forget it.
281
00:09:12,885 --> 00:09:13,886
Jerry, you want to give me a hand in the kitchen?
282
00:09:13,986 --> 00:09:15,354
Do I have an alternative?
283
00:09:15,454 --> 00:09:16,756
No.
284
00:09:16,856 --> 00:09:19,592
Then I think I'll give you a hand in the kitchen.
285
00:09:19,692 --> 00:09:22,228
Oh, Rob, do we have a baby!
286
00:09:22,328 --> 00:09:23,729
Do you know what he's been doing in there?
287
00:09:23,829 --> 00:09:25,398
- What? - Nothing.
288
00:09:25,498 --> 00:09:26,933
He doesn't cry or anything.
289
00:09:27,033 --> 00:09:28,935
He's just the best baby, Rob.
290
00:09:29,035 --> 00:09:31,304
I just been standing there, staring at him.
291
00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:34,941
I can't believe he's ours.
292
00:09:35,041 --> 00:09:37,343
What?
293
00:09:37,443 --> 00:09:40,513
You know, that he's actually, home and that he's ours.
294
00:09:40,613 --> 00:09:41,514
Oh.
295
00:09:41,614 --> 00:09:44,884
And he looks so different.
296
00:09:44,984 --> 00:09:46,218
Huh?
297
00:09:46,319 --> 00:09:48,054
I don't know, in his own little bassinet,
298
00:09:48,154 --> 00:09:51,057
he just looks like a different baby.
299
00:09:51,157 --> 00:09:52,091
[doorbell]
300
00:09:52,191 --> 00:09:53,059
I wonder who it is?
301
00:09:53,159 --> 00:09:55,227
So do I.
302
00:09:55,328 --> 00:09:57,163
Well, go see.
303
00:09:57,263 --> 00:09:59,832
I will.
304
00:09:59,932 --> 00:10:02,435
Rob?
305
00:10:02,535 --> 00:10:03,502
Front door?
306
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:04,704
Oh.
307
00:10:09,675 --> 00:10:10,543
Hi, Rob!
308
00:10:10,643 --> 00:10:11,844
Sally.
309
00:10:11,944 --> 00:10:13,613
I'll see you later, you're only the father.
310
00:10:13,713 --> 00:10:14,680
Hey, why don't you eat something?
311
00:10:14,780 --> 00:10:16,048
You look terrible.
312
00:10:16,148 --> 00:10:17,416
Hi, Laura.
313
00:10:17,516 --> 00:10:19,952
[horn honing]
314
00:10:20,052 --> 00:10:20,987
Whee!
315
00:10:23,789 --> 00:10:25,157
Hiya, pop.
316
00:10:25,257 --> 00:10:26,092
Hi.
317
00:10:26,192 --> 00:10:27,093
Is that for us?
318
00:10:27,193 --> 00:10:29,295
No, my car broke down, so I rode
319
00:10:29,395 --> 00:10:31,897
Sally up on the handlebars.
320
00:10:31,998 --> 00:10:33,432
I brought it for the kid.
321
00:10:33,532 --> 00:10:34,633
Well, he's just a little baby.
322
00:10:34,734 --> 00:10:35,634
Well, it's a little bicycle.
323
00:10:35,735 --> 00:10:38,337
They can grow up together.
324
00:10:38,437 --> 00:10:39,972
Hey, doesn't Laura look great?
325
00:10:40,072 --> 00:10:41,574
She's already got her whole figure back.
326
00:10:41,674 --> 00:10:42,508
Oh, boy, am I jealous.
327
00:10:42,608 --> 00:10:43,542
Not me.
328
00:10:43,642 --> 00:10:45,578
I already got it all figured.
329
00:10:45,678 --> 00:10:46,479
Hey.
330
00:10:46,579 --> 00:10:47,480
Hi.
331
00:10:47,580 --> 00:10:48,547
Hey, Jerry.
332
00:10:48,647 --> 00:10:49,849
Hi.
333
00:10:49,949 --> 00:10:51,751
Hey, Don't you guys want to see the baby?
334
00:10:51,851 --> 00:10:53,019
Sure we want to see the baby.
335
00:10:53,119 --> 00:10:55,588
I've been practicing funny faces all day.
336
00:10:55,688 --> 00:10:58,791
The one you're doing now is hysterical.
337
00:10:58,891 --> 00:11:01,861
I can't believe this baby.
338
00:11:01,961 --> 00:11:03,696
Well, I just one more peek, and that's it,
339
00:11:03,796 --> 00:11:04,997
we've got to get back. - Hey, Jer?
340
00:11:05,097 --> 00:11:06,432
- Yeah. - Close the door.
341
00:11:06,532 --> 00:11:07,366
Huh?
342
00:11:07,466 --> 00:11:08,601
Close it.
343
00:11:08,701 --> 00:11:10,736
What is it?
344
00:11:10,836 --> 00:11:12,304
Jerry, you remember earlier we were
345
00:11:12,405 --> 00:11:13,305
talking about Ralph Martoni.
346
00:11:13,406 --> 00:11:14,640
Yeah.
347
00:11:14,740 --> 00:11:17,877
Jerry, that nurse gave Laura the wrong jewelry,
348
00:11:17,977 --> 00:11:19,779
she called him a her.
349
00:11:19,879 --> 00:11:21,147
She didn't even know our name.
350
00:11:21,247 --> 00:11:22,815
And everybody, including me, thinks
351
00:11:22,915 --> 00:11:24,083
it looks like a different baby.
352
00:11:24,183 --> 00:11:25,217
Rob.
353
00:11:25,317 --> 00:11:26,819
Even Laura thinks the baby looks different.
354
00:11:26,919 --> 00:11:28,054
His own mother.
355
00:11:28,154 --> 00:11:29,522
I think.
356
00:11:29,622 --> 00:11:31,624
Things like that just don't happen.
357
00:11:31,724 --> 00:11:33,692
Now listen Rob, will you just forget about that?
358
00:11:33,793 --> 00:11:34,960
It just doesn't happen.
359
00:11:35,061 --> 00:11:36,529
Jerry, it is possible.
360
00:11:36,629 --> 00:11:37,530
It's not possible.
361
00:11:37,630 --> 00:11:38,998
Now listen, Rob.
362
00:11:39,098 --> 00:11:40,766
Don't you dare tell Laura what you've been thinking.
363
00:11:40,866 --> 00:11:44,336
Oh, baby, that baby.
364
00:11:44,437 --> 00:11:47,673
I just got to get married.
365
00:11:47,773 --> 00:11:48,741
Rob, do you know what he did?
366
00:11:48,841 --> 00:11:51,644
He woke up.
367
00:11:51,744 --> 00:11:53,045
Rob, that is a cute kid.
368
00:11:53,145 --> 00:11:53,879
Honest.
369
00:11:53,979 --> 00:11:55,915
You sure you got the right baby?
370
00:11:56,015 --> 00:11:58,117
Why do you say that?
371
00:11:58,217 --> 00:12:01,387
Well, you're so tall, and the kid is only about this--
372
00:12:01,487 --> 00:12:03,556
Oh, come on.
373
00:12:03,656 --> 00:12:05,524
You handled the ordeal very well.
374
00:12:05,624 --> 00:12:08,427
Good luck with the kid, and if he needs any newborn baby
375
00:12:08,527 --> 00:12:10,529
jokes, have him call me.
376
00:12:10,629 --> 00:12:11,997
Thanks for the present.
377
00:12:12,098 --> 00:12:13,666
Oh, wait till you see what's coming from Aunt Sally.
378
00:12:13,766 --> 00:12:15,201
ROB: What?
379
00:12:15,301 --> 00:12:16,735
Well, I don't know, but I think I just committed myself
380
00:12:16,836 --> 00:12:18,771
to something very expensive.
381
00:12:18,871 --> 00:12:19,705
Goodnight, Rob.
382
00:12:19,805 --> 00:12:20,906
Goodnight.
383
00:12:23,776 --> 00:12:25,111
After all the excitement today,
384
00:12:25,211 --> 00:12:26,912
it's going to be kind of nice to be alone.
385
00:12:27,012 --> 00:12:28,380
Yes. Just the two of us.
386
00:12:28,481 --> 00:12:29,615
Three of us.
387
00:12:29,715 --> 00:12:30,749
Oh, yeah, we got the little stranger.
388
00:12:30,850 --> 00:12:31,984
Baby.
389
00:12:35,488 --> 00:12:37,590
You know, I didn't realize how many friends we have?
390
00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:41,594
All the fruit and the candy and the flowers are just beautiful.
391
00:12:41,694 --> 00:12:42,561
Who sent us those?
392
00:12:42,661 --> 00:12:44,096
Which?
393
00:12:44,196 --> 00:12:45,397
The ones that we got when we were leaving the hospital.
394
00:12:45,498 --> 00:12:46,832
I don't know.
395
00:12:46,932 --> 00:12:47,867
You know, in all the excitement of leaving today,
396
00:12:47,967 --> 00:12:49,201
I never even looked at the card.
397
00:12:49,301 --> 00:12:55,307
Neither did I. Congratulations and much love,
398
00:12:55,407 --> 00:12:56,542
Dick and Betty Carter.
399
00:12:56,642 --> 00:12:57,543
Aw.
400
00:13:02,715 --> 00:13:04,583
Do you know a Dick and Betty Carter?
401
00:13:04,683 --> 00:13:05,718
No.
402
00:13:05,818 --> 00:13:06,986
Is it someone in your office?
403
00:13:07,086 --> 00:13:08,354
No.
404
00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:10,890
The only Dick and Betty Carter are Phil and Edna Greenbow.
405
00:13:14,393 --> 00:13:15,895
Oh, Rob, look, this explains it.
406
00:13:15,995 --> 00:13:18,364
These are for Mrs. Peters in room 203.
407
00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:19,765
They've been doing that all week long.
408
00:13:19,865 --> 00:13:21,167
They kept getting us mixed up.
409
00:13:21,267 --> 00:13:23,402
You know Peters, two or three, and Petrie to 208.
410
00:13:23,502 --> 00:13:26,539
As a matter of fact, one night I even got her rice pudding.
411
00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:27,706
What did you say?
412
00:13:27,806 --> 00:13:28,841
That I got her rice pudding.
413
00:13:28,941 --> 00:13:30,709
You got her rice pudding?
414
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:32,278
Yeah.
415
00:13:32,378 --> 00:13:34,713
Which means that she probably got my blueberry tart.
416
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:36,649
Among other things.
417
00:13:36,749 --> 00:13:38,884
As a matter of fact, you know that envelope they gave
418
00:13:38,984 --> 00:13:40,186
us when we were leaving today?
419
00:13:40,286 --> 00:13:41,687
That was hers.
420
00:13:41,787 --> 00:13:43,122
I remember that.
421
00:13:43,222 --> 00:13:45,157
That's it, that's how it happened.
422
00:13:45,257 --> 00:13:46,192
I knew it.
423
00:13:46,292 --> 00:13:47,826
Rob, why are you getting so excited.
424
00:13:47,927 --> 00:13:49,461
They're only flowers, dear, we can return them.
425
00:13:49,562 --> 00:13:52,998
We're not going to bring up the wrong flowers.
426
00:13:53,098 --> 00:13:54,233
What on Earth are you talking about?
427
00:13:54,333 --> 00:13:55,868
Honey, you're probably very tired.
428
00:13:55,968 --> 00:13:57,436
Why don't you take a nap.
429
00:13:57,536 --> 00:13:59,104
I'm going to, darling, but first I got to change the baby.
430
00:13:59,205 --> 00:14:01,774
Right.
431
00:14:01,874 --> 00:14:02,808
She's right.
432
00:14:02,908 --> 00:14:04,376
We've got to change that baby.
433
00:14:09,882 --> 00:14:11,350
Now tell the truth, Mel, wouldn't you
434
00:14:11,450 --> 00:14:13,085
be just a little suspicious if you got the wrong flowers,
435
00:14:13,185 --> 00:14:14,053
and the wrong envelope?
436
00:14:14,153 --> 00:14:15,221
Now what would you think?
437
00:14:15,321 --> 00:14:17,056
I might think I had the wrong baby.
438
00:14:17,156 --> 00:14:18,858
Just what I thought, only I was sure.
439
00:14:18,958 --> 00:14:20,125
So I made a phone call.
440
00:14:20,226 --> 00:14:21,260
You called the hospital.
441
00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:23,529
No, unfortunately he called me.
442
00:14:25,531 --> 00:14:26,198
Well?
443
00:14:26,298 --> 00:14:27,766
What do you think of that?
444
00:14:27,866 --> 00:14:30,035
All right, so you got flowers from Dick and Betty Carter.
445
00:14:30,135 --> 00:14:31,103
Now what does that prove?
446
00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:32,404
What does it prove?
447
00:14:32,504 --> 00:14:34,173
Did you ever get flowers Dick and Betty Carter?
448
00:14:34,273 --> 00:14:36,408
I don't even know Dick and Betty.
449
00:14:36,508 --> 00:14:38,310
Well, neither do we.
450
00:14:38,410 --> 00:14:40,446
The only one in this house who knows Dick and Betty Carter
451
00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:43,182
is a baby.
452
00:14:43,282 --> 00:14:45,484
Listen, Rob, I don't care how much circumstantial evidence
453
00:14:45,584 --> 00:14:48,721
you have, a mistake like this is practically impossible.
454
00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:49,755
But it is possible.
455
00:14:49,855 --> 00:14:50,723
Yeah, right.
456
00:14:50,823 --> 00:14:52,558
One out of 50 million cases.
457
00:14:52,658 --> 00:14:54,793
And it had to be us.
458
00:14:54,893 --> 00:14:55,961
Jerry, I'm gonna have to tell Laura.
459
00:14:56,061 --> 00:14:57,396
Now wait a minute.
460
00:14:57,496 --> 00:14:59,732
Don't say one word to Laura until you're 100% sure.
461
00:14:59,832 --> 00:15:00,666
Now listen, Rob.
462
00:15:00,766 --> 00:15:02,268
We need more evidence.
463
00:15:02,368 --> 00:15:03,969
Yeah.
464
00:15:04,069 --> 00:15:04,903
I know what I'll do.
465
00:15:05,004 --> 00:15:06,238
I'll call the Peters.
466
00:15:06,338 --> 00:15:08,140
Now Rob, it's not fair to upset them, either.
467
00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:08,874
No?
468
00:15:08,974 --> 00:15:10,175
Not unless you're sure.
469
00:15:10,276 --> 00:15:13,412
Well, I can kind of hint around the subject.
470
00:15:13,512 --> 00:15:16,815
How can you hint about a thing like that?
471
00:15:16,915 --> 00:15:20,085
Well, I'll say my wife.
472
00:15:20,185 --> 00:15:22,154
We got their flowers by mistake, and I'll
473
00:15:22,254 --> 00:15:24,590
be happy to bring them over because I was going
474
00:15:24,690 --> 00:15:26,392
to drop by to pick up my baby.
475
00:15:30,629 --> 00:15:31,864
We got to do something.
476
00:15:31,964 --> 00:15:33,198
We're getting attached to this baby.
477
00:15:33,299 --> 00:15:35,200
They're getting attached to that one, to ours.
478
00:15:35,301 --> 00:15:36,568
The longer we let the thing drag on,
479
00:15:36,669 --> 00:15:37,903
the tougher it's going to be.
480
00:15:38,003 --> 00:15:39,104
Now there must be some way to make sure that--
481
00:15:39,204 --> 00:15:40,773
Not without upsetting a lot of people.
482
00:15:40,873 --> 00:15:42,041
- Jerry, - Yeah, Rob?
483
00:15:42,141 --> 00:15:43,475
Would you get out of the way?
484
00:15:43,575 --> 00:15:44,543
I have to pace.
485
00:15:49,915 --> 00:15:50,783
Jerry?
486
00:15:50,883 --> 00:15:52,017
Yeah.
487
00:15:52,117 --> 00:15:53,519
Don't dentists help identify criminals
488
00:15:53,619 --> 00:15:54,954
by examining their teeth?
489
00:15:55,054 --> 00:15:55,854
I know.
490
00:15:55,954 --> 00:15:58,223
No teeth.
491
00:15:58,324 --> 00:16:00,326
They only have the gums, right.
492
00:16:00,426 --> 00:16:01,260
Rob, I got it.
493
00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:02,027
I got it.
494
00:16:02,127 --> 00:16:03,495
Footprints.
495
00:16:03,595 --> 00:16:05,864
We'll check the baby's footprints against the records.
496
00:16:05,964 --> 00:16:08,500
Oh, Jerry, that's great.
497
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:10,969
There's an ink stamp pen and paper in that bottom drawer.
498
00:16:11,070 --> 00:16:12,771
The baby's records are in "The Magic Mountain."
499
00:16:12,871 --> 00:16:13,706
JERRY: The what?
500
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:14,606
Of the book.
501
00:16:14,707 --> 00:16:16,075
Oh, Thomas [inaudible].
502
00:16:16,175 --> 00:16:16,975
I'll take baby out.
503
00:16:17,076 --> 00:16:18,210
Laura's asleep.
504
00:16:28,420 --> 00:16:31,056
Oh, I hope our baby's as cute as this one.
505
00:16:31,156 --> 00:16:32,858
Rob, that is your baby.
506
00:16:32,958 --> 00:16:34,193
I hope so.
507
00:16:34,293 --> 00:16:35,728
Here, little fella.
508
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:37,996
This isn't going to hurt a bit.
509
00:16:38,097 --> 00:16:39,331
Rob.
510
00:16:39,431 --> 00:16:41,667
Here, you take ink and spread it on his foot.
511
00:16:41,767 --> 00:16:44,002
And I'll get the paper ready.
512
00:16:44,103 --> 00:16:46,305
Shh, shh, shh.
513
00:16:51,076 --> 00:16:53,579
I think I got it.
514
00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:56,181
Here, hold that.
515
00:16:56,281 --> 00:17:00,052
Jerry, there's something very funny about this footprint.
516
00:17:00,152 --> 00:17:01,954
Let's compare them.
517
00:17:02,054 --> 00:17:05,124
I know what's funny about that footprint, it's got six toes.
518
00:17:07,326 --> 00:17:08,827
That's your thumbprint.
519
00:17:08,927 --> 00:17:10,062
Oh.
520
00:17:13,432 --> 00:17:15,501
Jerry, what do you think?
521
00:17:15,601 --> 00:17:20,739
Rob, I would say that that footprint and that footprint
522
00:17:20,839 --> 00:17:22,474
are from that baby.
523
00:17:22,574 --> 00:17:23,509
Are you sure?
524
00:17:26,645 --> 00:17:27,613
Jerry, are you positive?
525
00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:28,680
Yep.
526
00:17:28,781 --> 00:17:29,948
That's what I was afraid of.
527
00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:32,051
Read the top line.
528
00:17:32,151 --> 00:17:36,555
Sex, male, name, baby boy Peters.
529
00:17:36,655 --> 00:17:38,056
Well, I'm afraid that proves it, Jerry.
530
00:17:38,157 --> 00:17:39,425
Well, that proves nothing.
531
00:17:39,525 --> 00:17:41,527
Jerry, you said those were both the same.
532
00:17:41,627 --> 00:17:43,028
Well, what do I know about footprints?
533
00:17:43,128 --> 00:17:44,930
I'm a dentist.
534
00:17:45,030 --> 00:17:47,199
I only know mouthprints.
535
00:17:47,299 --> 00:17:49,301
Look, we wanted proof, we asked for it, and we got it.
536
00:17:49,401 --> 00:17:50,803
Now Rob, it only proves that we just
537
00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:52,271
got another wrong envelope.
538
00:17:52,371 --> 00:17:53,972
It's no use, Jerry.
539
00:17:54,072 --> 00:17:55,007
I'm going to tell Laura.
540
00:17:55,107 --> 00:17:56,608
Now wait a minute, Rob, wait.
541
00:17:56,708 --> 00:17:58,777
Before you tell Laura, at least check with the hospital, huh?
542
00:17:58,877 --> 00:18:01,113
All right, Jerry, I'll check with them first.
543
00:18:01,213 --> 00:18:02,314
[phone ringing]
544
00:18:02,414 --> 00:18:04,750
It's probably them checking with me.
545
00:18:04,850 --> 00:18:06,051
Hello?
546
00:18:06,151 --> 00:18:08,720
Yes, this is Robert Petrie.
547
00:18:08,821 --> 00:18:10,089
Who?
548
00:18:10,189 --> 00:18:11,223
It's Mr. Peters.
549
00:18:11,323 --> 00:18:12,324
What does he want?
550
00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:15,461
What do you think?
551
00:18:15,561 --> 00:18:16,195
Hello.
552
00:18:16,295 --> 00:18:17,930
Yes, Mr. Peters.
553
00:18:18,030 --> 00:18:19,498
That's right.
554
00:18:19,598 --> 00:18:22,801
You have something of ours, and we have something of yours.
555
00:18:22,901 --> 00:18:25,237
Dried figs.
556
00:18:25,337 --> 00:18:27,606
She got Laura's aunt's figs.
557
00:18:27,706 --> 00:18:31,977
Mr. Peters, you don't know, then.
558
00:18:32,077 --> 00:18:33,479
I see.
559
00:18:33,579 --> 00:18:35,147
Well, Mr. Peter, this is going to be
560
00:18:35,247 --> 00:18:37,116
a little hard to tell you.
561
00:18:37,216 --> 00:18:39,618
See, how can I put it?
562
00:18:39,718 --> 00:18:43,188
Look, Mr. Peters, you know there's a tremendous similarity
563
00:18:43,288 --> 00:18:45,691
between room 208 and 203.
564
00:18:45,791 --> 00:18:48,660
If you close up the open end of a three, you've got an eight.
565
00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:49,828
Right.
566
00:18:49,928 --> 00:18:52,965
Now, there's also a great similarity between--
567
00:18:53,065 --> 00:18:54,666
Robert Petrie, yes.
568
00:18:54,766 --> 00:18:57,536
Yeah, that's right, I write for "The Alan Brady Show."
569
00:18:57,636 --> 00:18:59,371
I'm glad you think our show is funny, Mr. Peters.
570
00:18:59,471 --> 00:19:01,240
I'd like to get this settled.
571
00:19:01,340 --> 00:19:03,208
There is also a great similarity, Mr. Peters,
572
00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:05,043
between our names, Peters and Petrie.
573
00:19:05,143 --> 00:19:08,547
Now our wives had a baby on the same day, in the same hospital,
574
00:19:08,647 --> 00:19:11,116
and the hospital was very busy, Mr. Peters.
575
00:19:11,216 --> 00:19:13,218
What am I getting at?
576
00:19:13,318 --> 00:19:15,954
Mr. Peters, let me ask you a personal question.
577
00:19:16,054 --> 00:19:18,524
Who does your baby look like?
578
00:19:18,624 --> 00:19:19,858
Uh-huh.
579
00:19:19,958 --> 00:19:22,628
Well, ours doesn't look like neither one of us, neither.
580
00:19:22,728 --> 00:19:25,397
I think I'm making myself very clear, Mr. Peters.
581
00:19:25,497 --> 00:19:27,633
We have each other's babies.
582
00:19:27,733 --> 00:19:31,370
Mr. Peters, how do you want to handle this?
583
00:19:31,470 --> 00:19:32,504
Don't tell me it's impossible.
584
00:19:32,604 --> 00:19:35,340
Mr. Peters, I've got the evidence.
585
00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:38,310
Now what's your address?
586
00:19:38,410 --> 00:19:39,478
That's perfectly all right with me as
587
00:19:39,578 --> 00:19:41,747
long as we settle it tonight.
588
00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:43,282
Fine with me.
589
00:19:43,382 --> 00:19:45,050
The hospital give you my address?
590
00:19:45,150 --> 00:19:46,418
All right, fine.
591
00:19:46,518 --> 00:19:47,953
Goodbye.
592
00:19:48,053 --> 00:19:48,987
He's coming here?
593
00:19:49,087 --> 00:19:50,055
Yeah.
594
00:19:50,155 --> 00:19:51,523
He said his wife wanted some air,
595
00:19:51,623 --> 00:19:54,526
and he was going to bring the dried figs by anyway.
596
00:19:54,626 --> 00:19:56,662
He's being pretty light about this thing.
597
00:19:56,762 --> 00:20:00,098
Some guys don't care whose baby they bring up.
598
00:20:00,198 --> 00:20:02,100
Rob, who called?
599
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:03,135
Oh, hi, Jerry.
600
00:20:03,235 --> 00:20:05,204
Hi, Laura, I was just leaving.
601
00:20:05,304 --> 00:20:06,939
Rob, what's the baby doing out here?
602
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:07,873
Good night, folks.
603
00:20:07,973 --> 00:20:09,741
And good bye son.
604
00:20:14,546 --> 00:20:16,048
Honey, I would like--
605
00:20:16,148 --> 00:20:18,584
I want to talk to you.
606
00:20:18,684 --> 00:20:21,853
Well that-- that was the Peters on the phone.
607
00:20:21,954 --> 00:20:23,155
The flower people.
608
00:20:23,255 --> 00:20:25,224
They are coming over here in a few minutes.
609
00:20:25,324 --> 00:20:26,158
They are?
610
00:20:26,258 --> 00:20:27,426
Yeah.
611
00:20:27,526 --> 00:20:30,562
Honey, I hate to have to tell you this.
612
00:20:30,662 --> 00:20:34,600
We have the wrong flowers.
613
00:20:34,700 --> 00:20:36,668
Rob, is something bothering you?
614
00:20:36,768 --> 00:20:37,569
No.
615
00:20:37,669 --> 00:20:40,772
Honey, I love you very much.
616
00:20:44,676 --> 00:20:47,813
Honey, how much do you like that baby?
617
00:20:51,783 --> 00:20:55,220
Oh, Rob, don't tell me you're jealous already.
618
00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:56,455
Honey, I'm not--
619
00:20:56,555 --> 00:20:58,757
Oh, that Dr. Spock knows everything.
620
00:20:58,857 --> 00:20:59,958
That man is a genius.
621
00:21:00,058 --> 00:21:02,227
He doesn't know everything in the whole world.
622
00:21:02,327 --> 00:21:05,130
For instance, he doesn't know that you are 1 in 50 million.
623
00:21:05,230 --> 00:21:06,264
Thank you, darling.
624
00:21:06,365 --> 00:21:08,500
Don't thank me.
625
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,902
Did you know that one out of every 50 million women
626
00:21:11,003 --> 00:21:12,304
has the wrong baby?
627
00:21:12,404 --> 00:21:13,238
That's a cute trick.
628
00:21:13,338 --> 00:21:14,439
How does she manage?
629
00:21:16,408 --> 00:21:17,776
She doesn't have it while she's having it,
630
00:21:17,876 --> 00:21:19,611
it's after she has it, she has it.
631
00:21:21,847 --> 00:21:25,784
Rob, are you trying to tell me that we have the wrong baby?
632
00:21:29,187 --> 00:21:29,988
You're crazy.
633
00:21:30,088 --> 00:21:32,491
Honey, keep calm.
634
00:21:32,591 --> 00:21:34,126
I'm perfectly calm, except that I'm
635
00:21:34,226 --> 00:21:36,161
a little worried about you.
636
00:21:36,261 --> 00:21:37,429
Darling, why don't you eat something.
637
00:21:37,529 --> 00:21:41,667
Honey, I have eaten.
638
00:21:41,767 --> 00:21:42,768
I can take it.
639
00:21:42,868 --> 00:21:45,270
I can take [inaudible] Our baby is probably
640
00:21:45,370 --> 00:21:47,139
just as cute as that one is.
641
00:21:47,239 --> 00:21:48,507
Will you stop!
642
00:21:48,607 --> 00:21:50,475
Where did you ever get such a crazy idea?
643
00:21:50,575 --> 00:21:51,376
At the hospital.
644
00:21:51,476 --> 00:21:52,344
That's where we got it.
645
00:21:52,444 --> 00:21:54,813
We got the wrong flowers.
646
00:21:54,913 --> 00:21:57,249
You forgot about the blueberry tarts and the rice pudding
647
00:21:57,349 --> 00:21:58,216
pretty fast, didn't you?
648
00:21:58,316 --> 00:21:59,885
Not to mention dried figs?
649
00:21:59,985 --> 00:22:01,286
Dried figs.
650
00:22:01,386 --> 00:22:04,489
Dried-- Rob, this is our baby, and that's all there is to it.
651
00:22:04,589 --> 00:22:07,626
Honey, he doesn't even look like us.
652
00:22:07,726 --> 00:22:08,326
Rob.
653
00:22:08,427 --> 00:22:09,695
You see.
654
00:22:09,795 --> 00:22:12,864
All I see is our baby with a blue foot.
655
00:22:12,964 --> 00:22:14,900
What is that, Rob?
656
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:15,834
Ink.
657
00:22:15,934 --> 00:22:16,535
How did it get there?
658
00:22:16,635 --> 00:22:19,771
Jerry and I put it on.
659
00:22:19,871 --> 00:22:21,206
Why?
660
00:22:21,306 --> 00:22:24,076
Just running a series of tests.
661
00:22:24,176 --> 00:22:25,811
Rob, there are no series of tests
662
00:22:25,911 --> 00:22:27,345
in the world that are going to convince me
663
00:22:27,446 --> 00:22:29,081
that is not our baby.
664
00:22:29,181 --> 00:22:30,515
Oh, honey, I don't blame you.
665
00:22:30,615 --> 00:22:32,217
You can't face the facts.
666
00:22:32,317 --> 00:22:33,385
Poor kid.
667
00:22:33,485 --> 00:22:34,686
Oh, Rob!
668
00:22:34,786 --> 00:22:36,221
Well, honey, that's probably the Peters now.
669
00:22:36,321 --> 00:22:37,622
Brace yourself.
670
00:22:37,723 --> 00:22:39,591
Rob, nobody is taking this baby, do you hear me?
671
00:22:39,691 --> 00:22:40,926
Nobody!
672
00:22:41,026 --> 00:22:42,360
Laura, I think it'd be better if you went to your room.
673
00:22:42,461 --> 00:22:45,163
I can handle this.
674
00:22:45,263 --> 00:22:47,165
I am staying right here.
675
00:22:50,435 --> 00:22:51,303
MR. PETERS: Hi.
676
00:22:51,403 --> 00:22:53,905
We're Mr. And Mrs. Peters.
677
00:22:54,005 --> 00:22:54,940
Come in.
678
00:23:02,814 --> 00:23:05,684
I believe we have your Aunt Bertha's figs,
679
00:23:05,784 --> 00:23:09,221
and you have Dick and Betty's flowers.
680
00:23:09,321 --> 00:23:12,758
Mrs. Peters, won't you come in?
681
00:23:18,063 --> 00:23:19,931
Oh my goodness.
682
00:23:20,031 --> 00:23:22,701
Come and sit down.
683
00:23:22,801 --> 00:23:24,503
Thank you, I'm still a little wobbly.
684
00:23:24,603 --> 00:23:29,207
Me too, although not quite as wobbly as my husband.
685
00:23:29,307 --> 00:23:30,675
I know I shouldn't be out already,
686
00:23:30,776 --> 00:23:32,477
but I just couldn't miss the fun.
687
00:23:32,577 --> 00:23:33,945
Well, I'm glad you're here.
688
00:23:34,045 --> 00:23:34,946
Sit down.
689
00:23:39,084 --> 00:23:39,985
Well.
690
00:23:45,857 --> 00:23:48,427
Why didn't you tell me on the phone?
691
00:23:48,527 --> 00:23:50,629
And miss the expression on your face?
692
00:23:53,398 --> 00:23:54,900
Did I give you a good one?
693
00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:57,335
Beautiful.
694
00:23:57,436 --> 00:23:59,404
Well, you're going to have to excuse me.
695
00:23:59,504 --> 00:24:01,239
I just haven't been myself lately.
696
00:24:01,339 --> 00:24:02,707
We just had a baby.
697
00:24:02,808 --> 00:24:04,442
Oh, you had one, too.
698
00:24:04,543 --> 00:24:05,343
That's right.
699
00:24:05,443 --> 00:24:07,045
We both had babies.
700
00:24:07,145 --> 00:24:11,316
Oh, you want to see the one that we almost pawned off on you?
701
00:24:11,416 --> 00:24:14,319
It's ours.
702
00:24:14,419 --> 00:24:16,822
Hey, that is a beautiful baby.
703
00:24:16,922 --> 00:24:17,856
Yeah?
704
00:24:17,956 --> 00:24:19,224
You know, he looks exactly like you.
705
00:24:19,324 --> 00:24:20,258
You really think so?
706
00:24:20,358 --> 00:24:21,259
No.
707
00:24:21,359 --> 00:24:22,594
But why start him off again?
708
00:24:30,035 --> 00:24:32,637
Rob, that's a fantastic story, but at least everything
709
00:24:32,737 --> 00:24:33,972
turned out all right.
710
00:24:34,072 --> 00:24:36,107
Well, Mel, actually things didn't turn out
711
00:24:36,208 --> 00:24:37,476
quite as well as we expected.
712
00:24:37,576 --> 00:24:38,510
What do you mean?
713
00:24:38,610 --> 00:24:39,878
What are you talking about?
714
00:24:39,978 --> 00:24:41,379
Well, you know the Peters little boy, Jimmy,
715
00:24:41,479 --> 00:24:42,848
is in the same grade school as Ritchie.
716
00:24:42,948 --> 00:24:43,815
Yeah.
717
00:24:43,915 --> 00:24:45,150
Jimmy, top student, straight A's.
718
00:24:45,250 --> 00:24:46,184
Ritchie?
719
00:24:48,887 --> 00:24:50,589
I still think we got the wrong kid.
720
00:25:01,700 --> 00:25:03,435
[MUSIC - END THEME, "THE DICK
721
00:25:03,535 --> 00:25:05,637
VAN DYKE SHOW"]
47933
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