All language subtitles for Kim.McVicar.Tap.Dancing.On.My.Mothers.Grave.2022.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBGEnglish

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
Kim McVicar!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CONTINUES]

[BASS DRUM BEATS]

♪ Let me see you dance

♪ Oh, boy
You're looking right

♪ Your body's just my type

♪ Let's steam it up in here

♪ Let the song
Tell you what to do

♪ Get down and rub your ooh

♪ Until you're sweating wet

♪ I'll make you all my pet

♪ It's not cheating
If it's choreographed

♪ It's not cheating
When it touches ass

♪ It's not cheating
If it's choreographed

♪ Part of the dance
So I get a pass

♪ But we are on the stage

♪ So let's fuck it right!

♪ Lick them, stick them
Make them, take them

♪ Pop them, drop them
Swap them, cup them

♪ Because it's not cheating
If it's choreographed

♪ Part of the dance
So I get a pass

♪ Not cheating
If it's choreographed

♪ Shake those balls
And smack that ass

♪ We... not cheating

[BLUBBERING]

♪ Not cheating

♪ Not cheating

♪ Not cheating

♪ Now twerk that dick
Twerk that dick

♪ What? Twerk that dick
Twerk that dick

♪ What? Twerk that dick
Twerk that dick

♪ What?
Twerk it, twerk it, twerk it

♪ Twerk it, twerk that dick
Twerk that dick

♪ What? Twerk that dick
Twerk that dick

♪ What? Twerk that dick
Twerk that dick

♪ What?
Twerk it, twerk it
Twerk it, twerk it

♪ Not cheating
If it's choreographed

♪ It's not cheating
When I nub his shaft

♪ It's not cheating
If it's choreographed

♪ Wait

♪ I choreographed it

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

♪ Too late
It's not cheating
If it's choreographed

♪ Aah, aah, aah, aah

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

You can keep cheering for me.
I'm gonna need a water break.

To get started right-- Yeah.

Mm-hm.

People... they're are always
like, "Why do you dance
in your shows?"

It's the only exercise
I get, guys.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Today what you saw,
is all my exercise.

Plus, I like having hot guys...
grind on me. [CHUCKLES]

And I didn't want to deny
you all my '90s dance moves.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Well, that's a Floss.
That's not '90s.

Get it TikTok.
What? No. I'm so hip.

No. I'm not.

So good to see people
in a room.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, so nice!

It's crazy.
I live in California.

-Mm-hm. Uh...
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yeah. Yeah.

We were locked up
for a year-and-a-half.

You guys were locked up
for, what, 30 minutes?

-Right? Whoo, yeah!
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Crush it!

Oh, yeah.

It did teach me
what I value in life, though.

It really did, the lockdown.

The number one thing
that I missed,

I realized, was hanging out
with my girlfriends.

Yeah, I miss my girls!
You have so many
beautiful women here.

I missed--
Oh, I missed the girls.

But most of all,
I missed catty bitch time.

Yeah, if you don't know
what that is, guys,

it's when a bunch of women
get together

and we talk a lot of shit
about a lot of people.

It's my favorite thing to do.

But I didn't have that
because I was trapped
inside a house with my husband.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So I had to go to
the next best thing.

Instagram...

or, as I like to call it,
"instant shame."

[CHUCKLES]

So I was on this
bitch's page...
she's also my best friend.

Yeah.

And she just had a baby.

And her post
was a picture of her face

with two fingers
pointing at it.

No baby.

And underneath it read,
"Who just had a baby?
I just had a baby.

Six hours of quarantine
'cause of Covid
but I just had a baby."

And I was like, "No,
this is not how you post
the picture of your baby."

You show a picture
of your goddamn baby.

I was so mad.
I just swiped to see
what this kid looked like.

And it wasn't even
an ugly looking kid.
It was a normal looking kid.

I was so mad. This is exactly
what I would've had
at catty bitch time.

Like, exactly.

But I didn't have that.

So I went over to my husband,

and I was like, "Babe,
we've talked about this,

how this pandemic is forcing us
to fulfill roles we've never
had to fulfill before."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I'm gonna need you
to man up right now

and be a bitch."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I showed him the photo.

And he was like,
"Oh, what's wrong with that,

she just had a baby.
You should say
congratulations."

I was like, "No!"

This is not catty-b.
Rule one of catty-b
is be a "B".

He didn't get it.

He was like, "Oh, I'm sorry.
Let me try that again."

I was like, you can't
apologize when you're
in catty bitch time, right?

Well, it's L.A.,
we're not allowed
to do anything.

So he was just like,
"Ah, fine, here."

I showed it to him again,
he was like,

"Oh, look at that
fat, sloppy, dirty whore."

-I was like, "Wow!"
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Wow, that is not catty bitch.

That's cunty bitch. Whoa!

My husband makes fun
of my Instagram,
uh, because I do selfies.

I'm one of those.
I do selfies.

And he says that I make this
like "ooh face",

this like, oh, like,
puckered up lip, like,

"Ooh, do you know
what I'm talking about?"
Yeah.

And he's like, "Why?
Why do you do that?"

I'm like, "Oh, it's just
so that everyone
who follows me online

knows what a tiny dick
I can suck. I can suck
such a small little dick.

So small, so small."
[EXCLAIMING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yeah.

Go to "Kim.McVicar" to see
how small of a dick I can suck.

Trying to get those followers.
No, I'm kidding.

Hm.

Instagram, what a fun thing.
[CHUCKLES]

Do you guys just think
it's people's vision board?
I do.

'Cause none of it's real,
everyone filters. It's stupid.

I was like, "I hope I look
like I am successful."

Look at all the followers
I bought." No, I'm kidding.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Please comment."
Uh... [CHUCKLES]

My husband joined a band.

That's the appropriate
response to that.

Whew. He joined a band,

and he was genuinely
surprised that I wasn't
excited about this.

He's like,
"Babe, I joined a band."

Okay.

"I'm genuinely surprised
you're not more excited."

He thought I was gonna
be some groupie

of some middle-aged band
with mediocre talent.

I've heard him saying,
"It's not good."

I didn't say that to him,
though. I didn't.

What I said to him was,
"I know what we'll do.

We'll take all that money
you're not gonna make
in your band.

We'll put it with all
the money you never made
while you're an actor."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Or a writer or a blogger
or a TikTok influencer."

This is what I'm getting at.

What does he think,
one day he'll just buy me
an imagination house?

It's all right. I'm giving him
imagination blowjobs, ladies.

So, it's fair. It's fair.

It's fair.

Some of you might have heard
that story before

'cause I do tell
a version of it
in my first special.

Ah, the reason I'm telling
you this is, one,

go fucking watch it
if you haven't, it's called,
"Please Notice Me."

Shameless plug.
Uh, but two...

my husband
was at the live taping.

Mm-hm.

And after the show,
he came up to me,

and he was like,
"Really great job, baby,
really great job.

Oh, it's just that I can't
believe you told everybody
I joined a band."

And I was like,
"I can't believe you
haven't heard that joke.

I've been telling it
for three years.
Come to the show!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He was like, "It's not that,
it's not that.
It's just that...

they kicked me
out of the band."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[EXCLAIMING]

After one show,
they kicked him
out of the band.

[EXHALES]

For three years, I thought
my husband was in a band.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Because for three years
I never asked him about it.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

'Cause I didn't want
to be invited to a "concert".

And for three years he never
told me about it 'cause he knew
I'd make fun of him.

I think we stumbled upon
the success to marriage,
everybody.

Just go with the military,
"don't ask, don't tell."

That's how we do it.

No, we are in love.
We are in love.

I feel like people are
always worried about it.

We're in love, all right?
I tell him he's in love
with me.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So I think we're good.

"You love me!"

"Don't forget me."

-No, actually,
we just got remarried.
-[SCATTERED CLAPPING]

Oh, one clap. Great. Yeah.

It was a dude, too.
The dude was like,
"I believe in you."

Yeah. I just got remarried.
Actually, for the eighth time.
No, I'm not lying.

We just got remarried
for the eighth time.

'Cause we get remarried
every year.

Yeah, 'cause when
he proposed to me,

I was like, "Forever...
forever, ever, forever?
Forever is too long.

It's too long. And I don't
know what I'm gonna
be like in ten years.

I can't do that. I can't.

So I was like,
"How about we just
do a one-year contract?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

My marriage
is like car insurance.

Basically it auto-renews
every year.

But you do get an email
that can remind you,

you get a new provider
if you want.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Plus, then we never
fail, right?

Someone's like,
"I'm writing this down."

Yeah, we can't fail 'cause
we can't get a divorce, right?

Because now it's just,
"Oh, we just didn't
renew our contract this year.

That's how it works.
It's great.

I've gotten married
in so many places.
I've been married in Hawaii.

I've been married in Ireland
in front of a castle.

I've been married in Paris,
in front of the Eiffel Tower

with a YouTube star
on the phone.

And this year we got
married in bumper cars.

Yeah, for real. I've got
to say it was like
one of my favorites.

There's something
very beautiful about it,

like pronouncing your love
to someone just ramming
your vehicle into them.

It's very nice.

I'm gonna say
something that's
a little bit controversial

in certain parts of America.

Are you ready?

Thank you.

Uh, I think it's time for
everyone to go back into work.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yeah. And by everyone,
I mean my husband.

-[CHUCKLES]
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He's been working at home
all this period.

Like, I'm very thankful that
he got to keep his job
during the pandemic.

Very thankful.
But it's getting annoying.

Every day he comes down
the stairs and tells me
about his job.

Humble brag.
We have stair money.

What... [CHUCKLES]

He'll say something like,
"Babe, I just fixed
the RTMP stream

before the Zoom meeting."

"Okay."

"You don't understand
how hard that is.
You should say good job."

"Okay."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Good job."

Like, he's right.
I don't understand
how hard it is.

If I'm being
completely honest with you,

I don't know what
my husband does for a living.

I don't. I just know that
he does it in our house.

I don't care what he does
for a living, I don't.

As long as he's happy
and doesn't talk
to me about it.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But he does every day.
Every day.

Last week, he asked me
if I liked his new e-signature.

I don't give a fuck how
you sign your emails.
Go back to into work!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I am not your work wife.

I'm just your wife-wife.

He needs to go back into work
where his work wife Natalie is.

And she can praise him
for all the things
he's supposedly good at.

Again I don't know
what he does for a living,

so I can't say
he's good at his job.

Although at a Christmas
party once, Natalie told me

how great my husband
is at his job.

So, "hashtag
believe all women".

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I think I've stumbled upon...

I keep saying "stumble"
but I really do think

that I have an idea
that's going to work for people.

I think that after so
many years of marriage,

your spouse should have
to get partners

for all the things
you don't want to
participate in.

-[CLAPPING]
-And I say "after so
many years"-- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'd like that.
Applause break
from all the women.

I say that because
I think you have to,
like, earn the right

not to hang out
with your loved ones.

Oh, my husband,
he'd have a video gaming wife,

he'd have
a sports watching wife.

And a "BJ" husband.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm not doing it.
Someone who knows
what they're doing, should.

Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

I used to live out
here in Florida.

Cool, you guys
don't care. Great.
No, that's fine. It's fine.

It's fine.

I was saying I probably slept
with half of you, but nope.

All the people I slept with
are too scared to come.

Uh, okay.

They're fine.

My friend knew that
I was coming out here

and she called me
and she was like,

"Kim, if you could go back
and fuck all your exes,
would you?"

No. Right? No.

She's like, "But you're much
better in bed now.
You're wiser.

You know what you're doing."

I'm way worse in bed now.
Are you kidding me?

In my 20s, I had energy.
I was a backup dancer.

My back hurts
thinking about things
I could have done.

Plus, my moans were on
point back then.

"Oh, oh, yeah,
Jimmy, harder, yeah!"

Now they're like,
"Ow, ow, oh.
You know what?

What is it?
I need a water break."

Plus, in my 20s,
I would lie to men.

I'm like, "Oh, yeah."

Like, if I have fucked you
in my 20s, sir,
I would be like,

"Oh, yeah, you're so hot.
I fucking love that shirt.

Give me all those colors
and patterns. Yeah."

Now I'd be like,
"Oh, uh, okay. I guess.

Please don't mess with my hair.
I just showered."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm really bad in bed, guys.
I should tell you that.
Really bad in bed.

Oh, so bad. Like the first time
I ever tried to have sex
with somebody,

I was, like, touching him
all over his pants like this.

Just really nubbing the tip.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And he came.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, and he felt
so bad about it.

And I was like,
"I'm amazing, yeah!"

Check out these jazz hands.

What? Thanks, mom,
for all those dance lessons.

Let's level up Flossy style.
Oh, what? Oh, yeah.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Then we really
tried to have sex.

Not the same day.
He had had too big a day.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So I go over to his house and
there's a box of condoms out.

And one is open and out.

And I'm like, "What?"
[CHUCKLES]

And he was like a virgin, too.

And he was like,
"I just wanted to make sure
that I knew what I was doing."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Can't we all just time out
and admit that this is
the most disgusting position...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

...a guy could be in

before he mounts somebody?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You look like a fucking
ninja turtle
without the pizza.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Leave the room,
fix the problem.

Come back when you're ready.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But I was so naive,
so naive, because I was like,

"But how did you, like,

get it up to put on the condom
without me in the room?"

Like, without my jazz
hands present.

It never dawned on me
that guys get erections

without other people
in the room.

Because my thought process
was like everything's
more fun in a group, right?

You guys didn't lose
your virginity in a gang bang?

Just me? Cool. Cool.
Good to know.

I used to read Cosmomagazines.

Do you remember those?

Oh, yeah, and let me be honest.
I didn't read them,
I just looked at the pictures.

Probably upside down
'cause I'm dyslexic.

And there was
a K-Y jelly ad in there.

-And it had a sample.
-WOMAN: Yes.

And I did. This chick
is on my '90s vibe.

Uh, and I walk
into my mom's room

and I was like, "Mom,
check out this new hair gel."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Then she was like,
"Kimberly, you didn't?"

And I was like,
"Of course I did."

I still do. Check out this hold.
What? It is so good.

Tampa weather is
terrible for frizz.

Plus, I'm always ready now
to have sex.

I can just wipe it
and swipe it. Let's go!

-Ready!
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I never got better
at sex, guys.

My whole sexual career.
I shouldn't call it a career.

I never made money in it. Uh...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

One time I was having
sex with a guy.

I don't know why I did
it like this.

It's a big dick. Uh...

Yeah. Uh...

Okay, I was having
sex with a guy.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And uh, the condom broke.

Uh-huh?

I didn't know what to do.

I was on birth control
because I've a good mom.

Thanks, Donna. [CHUCKLES]

Like, chanting,
"Donna. Yeah, Donna."

Uh, I didn't know what to do.
I knew that plan B existed.

But I didn't know much about
what it was.

So I went to the emergency room
in New York City to get plan B.

The emergency room
in New York City.

There are real victims there

with, like, stab wounds,
gunshots, like, car accidents.

And I'm just sitting
in the waiting room, like...

[SOFTLY] "The condom broke."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

The overworked receptionist
was like, "Next."

I walk up. She's like,
"What are you here for?"
I was like, uh...

[SOFTLY] "The condom broke."

And she was like,
"Oh, were you raped?"

I was like, "No, no, no!
Longtime boyfriend.
Longtime boyfriend.

I just I think I need that,
like, plan B thing."

And then she looked at me,
like, "What the fuck
are you doing here?"

But then, like the beautiful
Meg Ryan from City of Angels,

she just reached
into her pocket
and gave me plan B

like it was two women
passing a tampon in a bathroom.

It was so beautiful.

I'm gonna start doing that.

Just carrying plan B on me.

Like, "You look sad.
Here you go."

Here you go.
That's not gonna work
that relationship.

You're young. You're just
a little 12-year-old.

You're gonna need
this one day."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
I don't do that.
They're $50 a pop. Fuck you.

She probably never gave me
a plan B, guys.

She probably just
gave me a Tic Tac.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I probably never had sex, guys.

I don't know.

I have a song for you about it.
Do you want to hear it?

-[CLAPPING]
-Oh, yeah.
Now you have to know

that I'm going back
to my country roots.

You know,
because I'm so country.

I am not country at all.
If you don't know me.

I did a thing on Instagram,
I was like, "Do you guys
want a country song

on my next comedy special?"
And people were like, "Yeah."
I think they wanted me to fail.

Uh, it's okay. All right.
Hit it, Kenny!

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]

All right. This is my country
song about why dicks are gross.

They're gross!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

♪ I see you looking at me
From across the bar

♪ I made you a drink
Think we'll get real far

♪ But there's something
You should know
Before we get into bed

♪ I suck at sex
And I don't give head

♪ I don't want a gross dick
Gross dick, gross dick

♪ I don't want
A gross dick at all

♪ So I'm gonna lay here
Like a dead fish
Dead fish, dead fish

♪ Till your dick
Gets real small

♪ 'Cause the smaller
The better

♪ I ain't getting nowhere

♪ Please just come and go home

♪ Guess I'll start to fake moan
Ah, ah, ah

♪ But seriously
Are you finished yet?

♪ I don't like a gross dick
Gross dick, gross dick

♪ I don't like
A gross dick at all

♪ So can you just make it
Real quick, real quick
real quick

♪ Imagine he had one big ball

♪ What? No, for real

♪ He had one giant ball
One tiny testicle

♪ He had two balls
This one was huge

♪ Because I don't want
Your gross dick
Gross dick, gross dick

♪ I don't want
Your gross dick at all

♪ Hey, don't touch my hair

♪ Why is your dick square?

♪ It's a small, square dick
Square dance, so sing with me

♪ I don't want your gross dick
Gross dick, gross dick

♪ I don't want
Your gross dick at all

♪ I don't want your gross dick
Gross dick, gross dick

♪ I don't want your
Gross dick at all ♪

♪ Gross

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

I'd rather dance
than suck a dick.

[EXHALES]

Same amount of calories, right?
I don't know.

I actually used to be
a dance teacher
if you couldn't tell.

I just taught little kids
how to grind.
I'm like, "Twerk it."

[GRUNTS] "Yeah, little kids."

TikTok is my fault.

I was really good at my job,
teaching kids how to be sexy,
so good at it.

I actually knew
when it was time
to retire or quit

because a little six-year-old
girl came up to me

and she was like, "Miss Kim,
do you have any kids?"

And I was like, "Gross. No!
No, never. Ugh."

And she was like,
"Well, I think you'd make
a great stepmom."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

She said stepmom!

Like, she looked at me
and was like,

"Yeah, you don't look like
you can take care
of a human being 24/7.

But you do look like you
could convince my dad
to go to Legoland."

She's not wrong.

Either that or her parents
are getting a divorce,

and she's just shopping
around for a new mom.

Either way, smartest
six-year-old I've ever met.

[EXHALES]

Like I said, California
was locked down for,
like, almost two years fully.

We weren't allowed do anything.
No working--

Well, there was
essential jobs, right?

I got so bored
that I got an essential job.

I got a job at the Gap.

Why was that essential?

You sell khakis,
order them online,
nobody cares.

And I haven't had a retail job
in a very long time.

Which means I haven't watched
a training video

in forever.

They're so different now.
Have you guys seen them?
They're weird.

They're super woke. So woke.

They wanted to make sure
that we knew to, like,
identify people properly.

To make everyone
feel inclusive,
use the proper pronouns

as they came through the store.

And I was like,
"Okay, I got this."

I was basically raised
by my gay older brother
in the '90s.

No problem.

Stand in front of the Gap.
I'm in the store,

they're coming in,
and I'm like,
"Hey, welcome to the Gap.

The men's department upstairs
and the women's is behind me."

There's no "them, they"
sections at the Gap.

You're not woke.
Stop lying to yourselves,

your a company!

And they had this thing called
core values.

It's like, I don't know,

it's like a corporate thing
where you, like,
have to know these,

like, words to live by,
I guess.

Number three was,
"We always say yes."

I'm sorry.

As a woman,
I have a hard time with that.

Law and order SVU
taught me that
my "no" has value.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was up in the men's
department one day

and a guy asked for a BJ,
and I did not say yes.

And they had mass
training videos and I get
we're in a pandemic, I get it.

But it was like what
I remember old training
videos to be.

It was like
an over-chipper actor
who just got his first job.

And you had to, like,
get the right answer correct

in order to move on to
the next thing on the screen.

So it was like,
"Hey, what do you do
if someone comes in

and they don't want
to wear their mask?

Do you, one,
block the entrance
with your body?

Or two, let them know
that we have disposable
masks to offer them.

Or three,
start videotaping them."

I was like, it's three.
It's clearly three.

That's how we handle
everything in this world.

I was videotaping
that fucking training video.

So stupid.

And I'm sure you've all
experienced bad service

in retail at some point
in time in your life?

Yes?

I know why now.

It's because all those
participation trophy kids

now have jobs,

and they're the managers.

My much younger manager
than me came over
and he was like,

"Hey, can I ask you
to do something?"

"Can I?" I'm sorry.

I'm from a generation
where a job

your boss tells you what
to do and you do that
thing for a paycheck.

That is a job.

He was like, "Oh, you don't
have to if you don't want to."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Of course, I don't want to.

Nobody wants to work
at the Gap.

What I want is the world
to open up again.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But I put on my actor panties,
and I was like,

"What do you want me to do?"

And he was like,

"Uh, could you fold the shirts
in the front of the store?"

Isn't that why you hire people
for at the Gap?

Why are you asking
me to do that?

I got paid $18 an hour

to do something I do for free
at home all the time.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Way too much money!

I should say I like
their hoodies though.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I really like their hoodies.
Gap, I'm really hoping
you let me keep my discount.

I like your hoodies
and your sweats
and leggings, okay.

I have a transgender cat.

Thank you. I'm so brave
to tell you how woke I am.

So brave.

No, I do. I have
a transgender cat.

Mr. Kitty Kitty.

He's now the cat formerly
known as Mister.

I shouldn't have assigned him
a gender, that is on me.

I didn't know that at the time,
I really didn't.

Uh, but what happened was,
he couldn't pee.

Took him to the vet,
and he had crystals
in his dick.

This is a real thing,
a real problem.

And the only way
to save my cat's life

was to cut off his dick,
and turn him into a woman.

That's a real thing
my vet did to my cat.

He cut off his dick
and turned him
into a woman.

I now have my very own
Cat-lyn Jenner.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

I do. I have a Cat-lyn.

I will say that having
a transgender cat

is a lot like being raised
by a gay older brother.

In that, nobody cares.
[CHUCKLES]

Nobody cares, nobody cares
if this cat is trans.

It's not like this cat came out
in a little lady dress

like my brother Patrick did
at my eighth grade graduation.

People noticed that one.

He didn't change up
his walks or his meows.

He didn't even change
what litterbox he goes to.

And I have another cat who
has been female her whole life.

And she has no problem
with him switching bathrooms
or going back and forth.

What I'm trying to say is cats
are way more woke than people.

Way more woke!

And they've never hit somebody
with their car and killed them.

My mom says I can be gay now.

Married to man, by the way.

But now I can be gay.

And growing up in the '90s,

I was under the impression
that there was only one gay
allowed per family.

And that spot was already
filled by my brother Patrick.

Very fabulously, by the way.
He was so good at it.

And we were very accepting,
very, very accepting
when he came out.

Like, my family was the house

that other people who weren't
accepted in their families
would come and live with us.

It was very nice.

I actually think my mom enjoyed
the street cred it gave her.

Yeah, people would come over,
and the suburban moms
would be like,

"Oh, Donna, I love
your kitchen's backsplash."

And she'd be like,
"Oh, my gay son
Patrick did that."

"Donna, I love your outfit."

"Oh, my gay son Patrick
picked that out."

"Donna, I love
your cheese platter."

"Oh, my gay son
Patrick did that."

She didn't call him
her gay son,
that'd be really fucked up.

She wasn't like,
"This is my gay son,
this is my straight son,

and this is
my daughter, Kimberly."

I only like saying that

'cause I never mention
that I also have
a sister named Tammy.

Ha-ha! I got you
again, Tammy. Ha!
Suck it!

She'll never get a joke.

[GIGGLES]

Brings me so much joy, guys.
You have no idea.

Such a rivalry.
[CHUCKLES]

Anyways, we were like,
driving to high school,
my mom and I,

and she leans over to me
and she's like,

"You know we already
have a gay kid, right?"

And I was like, "Yeah,
but I'm not gay, mom."

And then it was dropped, right?

And then, years later,
my brother died,
we'll get into that.

So now, I can be gay, right?

Like, my mom is completely
fine with all four of her
children being gay.

We just can't be gay
at the same time.

Right? Like,
her generation is like,
one gay kid, super woke,

two gay kids, it's your fault.
I don't know.

Maybe that's your generation.

Either way, I have
the gay baton right now.

I'm supposed to twirl it over
to my brother, Sean,

and he's been in prison,
so let's face it,

he's probably already
used that stick.

Yeah.

[SIGHING]

I'm just-- I'm debating on--

Do you guys want to get into
like, dark comedy?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!
-Are you sure? Do you like--

It's so Los Angeles
of me to be like,
"Do you guys want rape jokes?"

I should be like,
"Just take these rape jokes!

It's a rape joke.
Don't ask permission!"

I don't have rape jokes, guys.

This was just a test
to see if you actually
wanted dark comedy.

Half of you passed.

The other half
just jumped on board.
[CHUCKLES]

Or not, we'll see.

Like I said, my brother
passed away of A-I-D-S.

I find it's easier
for people to digest it
if I spell it for you.

It's actually more fun
if we chant it.

-Give me an "A"!
-AUDIENCE: "A"!

-Give me an "I"!
-AUDIENCE: "I"!

-Give me a "D"!
-AUDIENCE: "D"!

-Give me an "S"!
-AUDIENCE: "S"

What's that spell?

AUDIENCE: AIDS!

-What was incurable?
-AUDIENCE: AIDS.

-What did he have?
-AUDIENCE: AIDS.

Where did he go?
Nobody knows because
I don't believe in an afterlife.

Patrick would've fucking
loved you for doing that,
by the way.

He would've loved you.

And if you didn't,
you're never gonna get
the opportunity to again.

You missed it.

You're not gonna go out on
the street and someone's like,

"Give me an 'A'".

It's such a word that people
are so afraid to talk about.

That's why I like chanting it,
'cause everyone's so afraid

of all of the STD words, right?
And AIDS is like the...

And I think it's stupid, okay.

Because there's like
actually really beautiful
moments that happened.

Like for one,
we knew it was coming.

So we got to say goodbye.
We got to have closure.

Not everybody gets that
with their loved ones.

We also got to sit down
and talk to him

and he told me he was going
to stick it to all the people
that he hated.

Which is nice to know
you can leave that way, right?

I never thought about
just being an asshole
to that bitch I hate.

Like, what?

Hopefully, he wore a condom,
but that's on him.

And I sat down with him

to talk about his afterlife.

And at first, I was afraid.

I was petrified.

Kept thinking--
I'm not singing, you guys.

That song...
Not singing it.

No, my brother,
he didn't want a funeral.

He wanted
a celebration of life.

So gay!

Hm. Yes! So gay.
Celebration of life! Yes!

And we gave him
everything that he wanted.
Everything that he wanted.

I mean, he's my brother,
I love him to death.

Okay. I didn't love
my brother to death,

AIDS loved my brother to death.

I just loved my brother.

He wanted to have
his celebration of life

at his favorite gay karaoke bar
in Toronto.

And if you've never
been to a place like this,

there's like a bunch of men

on go-go stands up here,
go-go dancing in G-strings,

while other men test
the merchandize,
if you know what I mean.

It's one of those places.

And we rented out
the back room,

no pun intended,
that's just really what we did.

And I go in with my mom,

who is obviously upset,
her son just passed away.

We get into the back,

and there are giant
dick statues everywhere.

Like, I'm talking down
to the floor all the way
up to the ceiling--

Huge dick statues,
and I just lose it.

I start laughing.
I'm like, "Ha-ha-ha.

Oh! I see what you did here,
man! I see what you did."

He had his funeral at a place
people had to go to.

My mom's suburban friends
had to go to support my mom.

These are people who have
never been to a gay bar before.

I was just taking pictures
with Connie with a giant
dick behind her.

Like, ha-ha! Gotcha! Ha-ha.

Yes!

Like, the only way I could
beat my brother at a funeral

is if I had mine at an orgy.

Right? My uncle will be like,
"Yeah, let's go!"

And my aunt will be like,
"I don't know,
I guess I'll bring flowers."

Why do we do that?
Why do we bring
flowers to funerals?

Here's something that's gonna
pass away in two weeks

to remind you of what
you've just been through.

Stop doing it! Stop!
Just Venmo them, it's fine.

And like I said, we knew
that he was going to die.

So he gave me
all his passwords to stuff.

So I created a Facebook e-vite.

And this was back when
Facebook was called Facebook.

[CHUCKLES]

And I invited everyone

in his thing, called it
a "Celebration of Life",

'cause there's probably people
I don't know in his life,
so I invited everybody.

So we're at his funeral,
and this guy comes in.

And he comes up
to me and he goes,

"Where's Patrick,
where's the birthday boy?"

Celebration of Life.

Before I could say
anything to him,

he was like,
"I was talking to him online,

and he stopped talking back
to me two weeks ago,

I thought he was ghosting me."

[EXHALES]

I am not the right person
in this moment.

My brother just passed away,
I'm upset.

Also, I'm me, you know me now.
[CHUCKLES]

I looked at him and I was like,

"You were ghosted.

You might say you were ghosted,

you were like,
originally ghosted, ay!

Patrick passed away,
I'm so sorry,
here's two drink tickets."

I just walked away 'cause
that's how I handle
everything in life.

I'm like, "Just drink!
It'll be okay,
forget about it!"

Also, that was how
Patrick was too.

So if you have
a drink right now,

have a drink for Patrick,
let's do it!

Yeah, put your glasses up
for Patrick.

[APPLAUSE]

Man, he loved to party.
So do I.

So let's party! Hit it, Kenny!

-[UPBEAT HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
-Yeah! [GRUNTS] What!

♪ Drink, drink, drink
Drunk, drunk, drunk

♪ Everybody
It's time to get...

♪ Get loose, get sloppy
Let's dance a little floppy

♪ What!

♪ Flop-flop

♪ Get floppy
Flop, flop

♪ Drink, drink, drink
Drunk, drunk, drunk

♪ Everybody
It's time to get...

♪ Get loose, get sloppy
Let's dance a little floppy

♪ Flop-flop

♪ Flop-flop
Get floppy ♪

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Whoo!

Flop it out!

[EXHALES] Like I said,
I like drinking a lot.

And I've been watching a lot
of old '90s Disney movies.

We all watch weird shit
during the pandemic, right?

I think that
all the old Disney movies

just set women up
for what their drinking
lives are gonna be like.

They do!

Take a classic, Snow White
and the Seven Dwarfs, right?

Clearly, all the dwarfs
are the men you're
gonna meet at the bar.

Right?

Doc. Mansplainer.

Dopey's the guy who doesn't
realize you're not into him.

Bashful is the creepy guy
in the corner who just
stares at you.

Grumpy is the guy who
just lost his dodgeball
game so he's at the bar.

Happy is the guy with
too much MDMA in his pocket.

Sleepy is the guy
who's passed out.

And Sneezy is the guy with
late stages of gonorrhea.

That's a real symptom,
be afraid.

Watch out! [CHUCKLES]

But then there's
also the Queen, right?

The Queen.
That's the bitch at the bar

who can't handle when
anyone is talking about
anything other than her.

We all know who that is.

If you don't, it's you.
[CHUCKLES]

But then, what do women do
when we go out, ladies?
What do we do?

We go to the bathroom.

What's in the bathroom?
The fucking mirror. Right?

That thing will tell you
you're not the
fairest of them all,

that there's a much
younger, prettier version
of you out there,

and your mascara's
running down your face,
maybe it's time to go home.

That's a fairy tale,
which means there's a prince.

That's the one
nice guy at the bar.

One.

He might pretend
to listen to you.

Shit, he might even
give you eye contact.

Dream, what a dream.

He's also the first guy
to make out with you as soon
as you pass out.

What a nightmare!
They're all nightmares.

They're all nightmares, right?
Cinderella,another one,

teaches you that you can
go to the bar all hot,

as soon as it strikes midnight,

you lost a shoe,
you're limping around,

you're a sweaty mess with
half your tampon hanging out.

Ariel.

That one teaches you that
you can get so shit faced
you can't speak.

But as long as you're hot,
you will still get laid.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And can we just admit
that Ursula is not a villain?

She's not.
Ariel asked for legs.

Ursula gave her fucking
tan-a-thigh gap
beautiful long legs.

She could've given her
fucking chicken nugget
chub-rub legs.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's a nice person.

Those-- I wish...

Right?

Sleeping Beauty.

Another one where
a man makes out with a woman
as soon as she passes out.

What I'm saying, our bars
are a nightmare for women!
They're nightmares!

For single women.

As a married woman,

it sounds like a dream.

Right?

If my husband gave me a kiss
while I was asleep...
that's so sweet.

Shit. I'd let him fuck me
while we were asleep.

I would. He'd be happy
he got to have sex,

I'd be happy
I didn't have to participate.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's what dreams
are made out of.

But if he wakes me up,
that's rape.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I did get a rape joke in there.
You're welcome.

-Hey! Yeah!
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yeah!

My mom's out here tonight.

She lives in Florida,
towards Orlando,
and she lives in, like,

this 65-and-over community
half of the time.
You know, like most retirees.

And she called me
and she was like, "Kim,
a woman got arrested."

I was like, " What?
In a 65-and-over community?"

She's like,
"Yeah, a woman got arrested.

She got caught doing a guy
in the rec room."

I was like,
"More like rocky room,
right, mom?"

She's like, "Kimberly."

Turns out...
she's a prostitute!

A 67-year-old prostitute!

She is my hero!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

67!

Are you kidding me?
That is not a job
you start in retirement age.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You start that job when
you're 15 and your dad leaves

or your uncle tickles
you too much.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know, they say you're
a master at something
after 10,000 hours, right?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I did the math.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

If she started at 17...

We'll give her the benefit
of the doubt of almost
graduating high school.

If she started at 17,
and she did 25 billable hours
of prostitution a week...

times 56 weeks, 50 years.
That 70,000 billable hours
of prostitution!

-She's a super master! What?
-WOMAN: Yes!

Yeah, and she's so smart
economically.

She lives in a 65-and-over
community at 67.
That is like, freshman puss.

She figured it out.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So smart.

Genius.

And I was like,
"Mom, I have questions."

And my mom
is a single mom of four kids.
She would do anything for us.

So she's like,
"My daughter wants to know...

what did you do in your 50s?"

Right? Like, what did she do
when she wasn't the young,
hot thing on the street?

But she also couldn't work
this economic genius that
she has going on right now.

Turns out she bought a house.

And she did it through
her house because she had
all these repeat customers.

All these fans.

And this is before OnlyFans.

This is like OG OnlyFans
like boots on the ground,

but off the bed fans,
you know what I mean?

Before the apps.
This is word of mouth
about her mouth.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But I was like,
"But what does she do?

Like, I'm so bad in bed.
Like, what does she do?"

Turns out... she's just
really nice to the guys.

Yeah, she says, "Good job."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And she listens.

Something I've never done
to my husband.

[CHUCKLES]

I never will.
In case he's here.

Uh, I don't know.

I don't know
if he's here, guys.
I should. I don't. Uh...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So my mom, I love her.
She's here tonight, guys.
Whoo-hoo! Donna.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

My mom is my favorite person
in the world.

She's my favorite.
She's-- Oh, what a gem.

She did a Zoom meeting
with all of her kids.

Uh, because she wanted
to go through her afterlife.

You know, just in case
something happens.
So that we knew what to do.

Passwords...
It was so smart.

And she had, like, a fucking
spreadsheet of everything.
Like such a CEO.

And I just hit record
because I knew I wasn't
going to remember any of it.

Uh, and then she goes,
"Okay...

now it's time to get
to the practice funeral."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"What the fuck is a practice
funeral, Mom?

What the fuck is a Zoom
practice funeral?"

She was like, "Well, you know,
I'm not going to be there
to hear your eulogies."

[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]

This was my response.
She was like, "I just
want to hear them,

you know, I want to make sure
that they're good."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

My mom is going to be
a stage mom in the afterlife.

What? People are like,
"You have a stage, Mom?"

Yeah, I wasn't
a successful dancer
at ten without one.

Crazy. I was like, "All right.

Uh, we're all gathered
here today..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"...on Zoom...

to celebrate my not
dead mother,
Donna McCleary,

who is a completely healthy
72-year-old.

And praise her
because she's so amazing.

She really is.
She did so much for all of us

that we love her so much,
that we're willing to do

the stupidest things
online for her."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And my mom was like,
"Ha-ha-ha. Okay,
but you forgot to mention..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"...I used to be one
of the highest ranking females
in corporate America."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I was a-- You know what?
I'll just do it for ya."

And then my mom performed
her own eulogy to us.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I recorded this shit.

She was like, "Oh, thank you,
everybody, for coming..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"...to celebrate me...

Donna McCleary."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I raised four beautiful
children by myself,
without a man.

That's right. No child support.

But don't worry,
he died before me,
so I'm winning."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I was one of the highest
ranking women
in corporate America.

I was a BC Lions dancer,
and I still teach line dancing
on the Zoom.

Don't know how to use it,
but I do know how to teach it.

And, Crystal,
your husband did try
to hit on me.

That's right.
I still got these moves."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's my mom's go to move.

I love it.

And you would think that,
that would be the craziest
part of the Zoom meeting.

You would think,

but then we got to the will.
My portion of the will, right?

And I'm the only one
who lives in America,

so I'm only one
who can collect the good stuff.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And in my mother's will,
she has written down

that I have to tap dance
at her funeral.

In a legal document,
that I have to tap dance...
at her funeral.

She was like,
"Well, you know, I just...

I love watching you tap dance,
and I want to see it."

I had to explain to my mom

that funerals are sad.

That when she dies,
I'm going to be sad.

I'm not tap dancing
at her funeral.
Tap dancing is a happy thing.

Right? Plus, tap dancing
on your grave?

A little bit on the nose.
Okay, don't you think?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Hey, Mom, I'm not doing it.
I'm not.

There's no way I'm doing it.
It's crazy. It's insane.

But I will do it for you
all right now.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Right? May I get that chair.
Thank you so much. My tap shoes.

This is so embarrassing
by the way, guys.

This is just to prove--
Thank you.

Look at how tall
and hot he is? Hey!

Yes!

Very, very strong man,
and I think he's single, ladies.

Uh. I don't know.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I didn't ask
when I touched him.
I'm kidding.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm doing this just to prove
to my mom how much
this shouldn't be done.

Okay? Like, I am doing
this for you guys.

Oh, I should've brought
the stand over here. Okay.

Okay. Now I look like that guy.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'll fix ya.

This is literally what my first
sexual experience looked like!

Just trying to figure out
how to put that condom on.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm getting a cramp in my calf.

I'm too old for this shit!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Success.

Whoo!

All right.

You may take the chair back,
hot man.

Yeah. Oh, he's skipping.
Guys? He's fine.

Yeah. Thank you so much.

Yeah. Okay.

This is really embarrassing.

All right, here we go.

-[CYMBALS PLAYING]
-All right.

So you guys have to
imagine we're at
my mom's funeral, right?

The casket is going down.

People are sad.

There's a piece of tap wood
out in front, and I'm on it.

[CYMBAL PLAYING]

♪ A five, six, seven, eight
Tap, tap dancing
On my mother's grave

♪ Full lap ball changing
On my mother's grave

♪ Everybody's watching you
Everybody's watching you

♪ This is so sad

♪ I love my mom

♪ Don't forget to smile
Don't forget to smile

♪ Tap, tap dancing
On my mother's grave

♪ Full lap ball changing near
My brother's grave

♪ Why are they together?
Wait, they'd be together

♪ Tap, tap dancing
On my family's plot

♪ Sorry, mom, this is a lot

[SIGHING]

♪ Is there an afterlife?

♪ I think there is

♪ I'm going to get bullied
The day I get in

♪ Everybody's watching you
Everybody's watching you
Even my dead dad

♪ Wait, do they let you watch
This kind of thing from hell?

♪ My dad's in hell
My dad's in hell

♪ Tap, tap dancing
'Cause my dad's in hell

♪ Big finish now

♪ Wings

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

♪ This is so emotional

♪ Toe stands

♪ Why the fuck am I doing this?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

♪ I love you, mom

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

♪ Why is this in your will?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

I'm not even gonna
be able to cry.
I'm gonna be so tired.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I can't do that, guys.

I'm almost 39.
I can't do that!

I'm not...

I'm not doing it.

There's no way. It's Insane.
That's insane.

Crazy.

I'm not gonna do it.

But I will do this
for you, Mom.

I'll do this.

Hit it, Kenny.

[EXHALES]

-[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
-[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

♪ Twerk that dick
Twerk that dick

♪ Twerk that dick
On my mother's grave

♪ Twerk that dick
Twerk that dick

♪ Twerk that dick
On my brother's grave

♪ Patrick would fucking
love this shit

♪ Twerk it, twerk it
Twerk it ♪

Let's hear it for the dancers.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Thank you, guys,
so much for coming tonight.

And remember,
life is meant to be lived!

Have a good time.
Thank you, guys, so much.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[DRUMS PLAYING]

♪ Let me see you dance

♪ Oh, boy, you looking right

♪ Your body's just my type

♪ It's steaming up in here
Ah, ah, ah

♪ Let this song
Tell you what to do

♪ Get down and rub your ooh
Until you're sweating wet

♪ I'll make you all my pet

♪ It's not cheating
If it's choreographed

♪ It's not cheating
When it touch his ass

♪ It's not cheating
If it's choreographed

♪ Part of the dance floor
Get a pass

♪ But we are on the stage

♪ So let's fuck it right!

♪ Lick him, stick him
Make him take a pop
And drop him

♪ Swap him, cuff him

♪ 'Cause it's not cheating
If it's choreographed

♪ Part of a dance
So I get a pass

♪ Not cheating
If it's choreographed

♪ Shake those balls
And smack that ass

♪ Not cheating

♪ Not cheating

♪ Not cheating

♪ Not cheating

♪ Now twerk that dick
Twerk that dick
What?

♪ Twerk that dick
Twerk that dick
What?

♪ Twerk that dick
Twerk that dick
What?

♪ Twerk it, twerk it
Twerk it, twerk it

♪ Twerk that dick
Twerk that dick
What?

♪ Twerk that dick
Twerk that dick
What?

♪ Twerk that dick
Twerk that dick
What?

♪ Twerk it, twerk it
Twerk it, twerk it ♪