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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:04,198 Jer... 4 00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:09,118 Jer... 5 00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:16,952 My mum used to be 6 00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:23,070 My mum used to be 7 00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:25,951 used to be my dad. 8 00:01:26,480 --> 00:01:30,394 Used to be my 9 00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:33,677 Used to be my dad. 10 00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,034 Snip, snip. 11 00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:38,954 - Used to be my dad. - Snip. 12 00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:49,354 I was jilted by a lesbian 13 00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:51,192 By a lesbian 14 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:53,271 Bull dyke. 15 00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:55,957 By a lesbian dwarf. 16 00:01:56,560 --> 00:02:00,235 She gave good 17 00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:03,997 But she gave good head. 18 00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:05,070 Slurp, slurp. 19 00:02:05,160 --> 00:02:09,393 But she gave good head. Slurp. 20 00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:13,394 I used to be a lap-dancing 21 00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:16,871 pre-operative transsexual. 22 00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:24,911 A chick 23 00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:26,513 A chick 24 00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:28,910 A chick with a dick. 25 00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:30,513 With a dick. 26 00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:33,114 A chick with a dick. 27 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:34,599 With a dick. 28 00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:37,750 I want to be 29 00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:40,150 want to be 30 00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:42,470 on TV. 31 00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:46,269 Please let me be 32 00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:48,874 on TV. 33 00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:50,871 Choose me. 34 00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:55,158 Please, me. 35 00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:59,870 Please 36 00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:02,873 let me, 37 00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:06,874 Jer... 38 00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:14,435 Jerry. 39 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:19,360 Jerry. 40 00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:27,440 Jerry. 41 00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:44,479 Excuse me. Is this the right room for The Dave Letterman Show? 42 00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:49,797 You got the wrong room, pal. Loser. 43 00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:54,830 - Fuck you. - Fuck you back. 44 00:03:56,760 --> 00:03:58,831 When does it start? 45 00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:01,591 How should I know? 46 00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:06,279 I hope I get to see some bare breasts. 47 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:08,829 Me, too. 48 00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:12,072 Why are all men such losers? 49 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:16,078 Nice to see the lesbian's in. 50 00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:18,754 Cocksuckers. 51 00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:23,279 I hope there's some fighting. 52 00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:27,957 Of course there'll be some fighting, you stupid asshole. 53 00:04:33,200 --> 00:04:35,271 Who are you calling asshole? 54 00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:37,158 You, asshole. 55 00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:48,316 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Jerry Springer Show. 56 00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:51,233 - Please will you welcome... - Jerry. 57 00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:54,039 - Welcome... - Jerry. 58 00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:58,432 Welcome your moderator and warm-up artist. 59 00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:01,353 Jer... 60 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:09,397 Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Jonathan Wierus. 61 00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:10,675 Oh, yeah. 62 00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:15,516 Before the show starts, we gotta lay down a few rules. 63 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:17,511 Whatever. 64 00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:21,480 Things get pretty hot up here so we gotta have a few rules. 65 00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:23,471 Got the message. 66 00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:26,473 Nobody's allowed on stage, 67 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:31,236 and nobody's allowed to throw things at the guests. 68 00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:34,358 Don't throw things at the guests. 69 00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:35,919 - Another rule. - What? 70 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:38,469 During the show, no heckling. 71 00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:40,676 - What? - No heckling. 72 00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:44,151 No heckling? What are you saying? Are you mad? 73 00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:46,151 No way. 74 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:47,958 Apart from a 75 00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:53,114 "Aaaah" for the good guys. 76 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:57,558 - Aaaah. - Yes, that's right. 77 00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:02,632 - Aaaah. - You've got it. 78 00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:07,753 And for the bad guys "boo". 79 00:06:07,840 --> 00:06:09,513 - Boo. - Yup. 80 00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:11,159 - Boo. - Great. 81 00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:13,754 - Boo. - Yes, that's right. 82 00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:15,797 - Boo. - Yes, that's right. 83 00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:19,271 Save it for the show. Save it for the show. 84 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:25,029 And we like it when you say 85 00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:27,991 Jerry, Jerry. 86 00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:29,798 Jerry, Jerry. 87 00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:31,951 Jerry, Jerry. 88 00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:33,792 Jerry, Jerry. 89 00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:35,598 - Jerry, Jerry. - Jerry, Jerry. 90 00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:37,990 - Jerry, Jerry. - Jerry, Jerry. 91 00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:39,878 - Jerry, Jerry. - Jerry, Jerry. 92 00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:43,590 - Jerry, Jerry. - Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. 93 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:46,432 - Jerry, Jerry. - Go, Jerry, go. 94 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:48,079 Jerry, Jerry. 95 00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:51,118 Come on. Come on. Everybody, let's go. 96 00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:52,873 - Jerry, Jerry. - Go. Go. 97 00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:57,989 Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. 98 00:06:58,080 --> 00:06:59,753 Let's go. Let's go. 99 00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:01,751 - Jerry. - Let's go. 100 00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:03,672 - Jerry. - Go, Jerry, go. 101 00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:06,070 - Jerry, Jerry. - Go, Jerry, go. 102 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:07,958 Jerry, Jerry. 103 00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:13,399 Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. 104 00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:23,638 - So just to recap. No heckling. - No heckling. 105 00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:24,949 - No fighting. - No fighting. 106 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:27,873 - No throwing things or throwing up. - No throwing things or throwing up. 107 00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:32,431 And most of all. 108 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:35,160 Most of all. 109 00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:38,039 Seriously. 110 00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:40,680 Seriously. 111 00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:43,673 Especially, 112 00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:46,957 obviously. 113 00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:49,919 - Have yourselves a good time. - Good time. 114 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:53,277 - Have yourselves a good time. - Good time. 115 00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:58,833 A good 116 00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:02,629 Have a good 117 00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:04,996 Have yourselves a real good time. 118 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:06,999 - Good time. - Good time. 119 00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:09,037 - Good time. - Good time. 120 00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:10,599 Good time. Jerry. 121 00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:12,751 A good... 122 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:15,958 We want some action. 123 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:18,793 Ready for some action. 124 00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:22,316 We want Jerry. 125 00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:24,835 Where the fuck is Jerry? 126 00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:29,716 - What do you want? - Lesbians fighting. 127 00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:34,199 - What do you want? - Open-crotch sightings. 128 00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:38,433 Pimps in bad suits, mothers who are prostitutes, 129 00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:42,400 mutants, psychos, saddos, winos, 130 00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:46,235 cocaine abusers with no noses. 131 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:49,790 - Bring on the losers. - Bring 'em on. 132 00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:53,077 - Bring on the losers. - Bring 'em on. Bring 'em on. 133 00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:55,436 Bring on the losers. 134 00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:57,796 La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la 135 00:08:57,880 --> 00:08:59,234 losers. 136 00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:01,118 Bring on the losers. 137 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:04,113 La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la 138 00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:06,111 losers. 139 00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:08,840 - Are you ready? Are you ready? - Yes, we're ready. Yes, we're ready. 140 00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:13,391 - Are you ready? Are you ready? - Oh, for fuck's sake, we are ready. 141 00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:15,710 - We are. - Alright. 142 00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:20,829 There's no need for sarcasm. 143 00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:24,550 I'm only trying to 144 00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:26,597 - do my frickin' job. - Yes, we are fucking ready. 145 00:09:26,680 --> 00:09:28,193 - Tough crowd. - Ready. 146 00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:29,509 - Really tough. - Ready. 147 00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:31,671 - Trailer trash. - Fuck you! 148 00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:33,797 Come on. Come on. 149 00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:37,157 - Alright already. - Come on. Come on. 150 00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:40,551 - Where the fuck is Jerry? - Come on. Come on. 151 00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:42,438 The crowd is turning ugly. 152 00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:54,396 Ladies and gentlemen, 153 00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:57,359 people of most nations of the world. 154 00:09:57,440 --> 00:10:00,876 Go, Jerry. Go, Jerry. 155 00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:04,078 Jerry. 156 00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:06,549 Welcome the host 157 00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:10,952 of the greatest show on this earth. 158 00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:13,714 Go, Jerry. Go, Jerry. 159 00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:16,997 Jerry. 160 00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:19,754 Bigger than Dave Letterman. 161 00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:22,434 Bigger than Bob Hope. 162 00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:25,793 And give or take a few million, 163 00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:28,952 bigger than the fucking Pope. 164 00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:34,351 - Lo! He comes. - Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. 165 00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:38,877 - Lo! He comes. - Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. 166 00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:48,671 - Jerry, Jerry. - Go, Jerry, go. 167 00:10:48,760 --> 00:10:50,558 Jerry, Jerry. 168 00:10:50,640 --> 00:10:55,760 Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. 169 00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:57,911 - Go, Jerry. - Jerry. 170 00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:00,958 - Go, Jerry. - Jerry. 171 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:08,395 - Welcome. Welcome to the show. - Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! 172 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:10,519 How you doing? 173 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,389 Good to see you. Thank you. 174 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:19,350 Thank you and welcome to the show. 175 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:24,199 My guests today all have guilty secrets. 176 00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:25,600 They also have partners 177 00:11:25,680 --> 00:11:29,799 and wanna get those guilty secrets off their chests and come clean. 178 00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:33,271 Please welcome my first guest with a guilty secret, Dwight. 179 00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:39,312 Welcome to the show, Dwight. 180 00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:43,792 - Hey, Jerry. Wassup? - Wassup? 181 00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:46,838 - Wassup? - So, Dwight, what's on your mind? 182 00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:52,073 I've been seeing my fiancée for two years. 183 00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:55,759 Aw! 184 00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:59,834 And we're gettin' married in two months. 185 00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:03,433 Aw! 186 00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:05,511 What is it you wanna tell your fiancée? 187 00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:09,357 I've been seeing someone else. Someone else. 188 00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:12,273 - Boo! - Someone else. Someone else. 189 00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:14,271 - Boo! - Whatever. 190 00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:17,910 - Boo! - Get over it. 191 00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:21,273 And does your fiancée know this person? 192 00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:26,314 - It's her best friend Zandra. - Boo! 193 00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:28,471 - Whatever. - OK. 194 00:12:28,560 --> 00:12:32,474 OK, OK. So, Dwight, you're getting married in two months. 195 00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:35,359 Now, why would you cheat on your future wife? 196 00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:41,239 I don't know, Jerry, it just happened. 197 00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:45,553 But I really love her. 198 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:51,113 God, I really love her, but I gotta get my secret off my chest. 199 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:53,919 - Off his chest. - Off my chest. 200 00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:57,038 Let's see how she feels about it. Please say hello to Peaches. 201 00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:59,111 Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. 202 00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:00,918 - Pig. Pig. - Bitch. Bitch. 203 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:03,753 Hi, Peaches. Don't listen to them, they're just kidding. 204 00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:04,716 Pig. 205 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:08,960 Welcome to the show, Peaches. 206 00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:11,714 Do you know why you're here? 207 00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:17,512 - No idea, Jerry. - So, how's the relationship? 208 00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:19,159 - It's good. - Uh-huh. 209 00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:22,517 - Real good. - Uh-huh. 210 00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:26,275 Well, Dwight's got something to tell you. So go ahead, Dwight. 211 00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:31,758 Baby, we've been going out for two years. 212 00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:33,478 Uh-huh, uh-huh. 213 00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:36,439 - Things are going good. - Uh-huh, uh-huh. 214 00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:39,512 - But I got something to say. - Uh-huh, uh-huh. 215 00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:43,639 - Something that's burning inside. - Uh-huh. 216 00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:48,751 I've been seeing someone else. 217 00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:52,959 I've been seeing someone else. 218 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:57,477 I've been seeing, seeing someone, 219 00:13:57,560 --> 00:14:02,680 someone, seeing someone else. 220 00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:07,030 What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fucking, fucking fuck? 221 00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:11,271 Peaches. Peaches. You seem surprised. 222 00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:14,709 So, what would you like to say to Dwight? 223 00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:17,997 - Who? Who? - Calm down, baby. 224 00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:21,038 - Who? Who? - Take it easy. Try to chill. 225 00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:24,078 - Who? Who? - She don't mean a thing to me. 226 00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:26,993 - Who? Who? - She's just a tramp. Just a whore. 227 00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:30,038 - Who? Who? - It ain't easy for me, baby. 228 00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:33,112 Who? Who? Who? Who? 229 00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:37,834 I've been seeing your best friend. 230 00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:42,514 I've been seeing your best friend. 231 00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:47,552 Your best friend. Your best friend. 232 00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:52,510 If it's true, then fuck you. 233 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:56,480 Alright, let's bring out Peaches's best friend. Please welcome Zandra. 234 00:14:57,120 --> 00:15:02,115 Dirty whore. Dirty whore. Filthy, dirty, manky, skanky slut whore. 235 00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:05,192 Manky, skanky slut whore. 236 00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:18,313 I remember when we was young. 237 00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:21,358 We had some laughs. 238 00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:24,717 We had some fun. 239 00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:27,314 We lived on dreams. 240 00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:30,836 We was full of hope. 241 00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:33,514 Until I got addicted 242 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:39,437 to crack and dope. 243 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:44,593 Crack and dope. 244 00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:46,713 Bitch. 245 00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:47,790 - Steve. - Bitch! 246 00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:49,712 - Steve. - Bitch! 247 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:51,154 - Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch! - Steve. 248 00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:53,277 - Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch! - Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve. 249 00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:54,839 - Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch! - Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve. 250 00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:56,479 - Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch! - Bitch! 251 00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:58,119 - Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch! - Bitch! 252 00:15:58,200 --> 00:15:59,952 - Bitch! - Bitch! 253 00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:03,196 - Bitch! - Bitch! 254 00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:14,798 Hi. 255 00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:20,234 My name's Steve Wilcos. I'm head of security on The Jerry Springer Show. 256 00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:25,194 You know, a lot of people ask me what are the hardest fights to break up. 257 00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:29,069 I gotta tell you, it's, er, it's always the women. 258 00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:36,596 - Bitch! - Bitch! 259 00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:44,117 - Why'd you tell her, asshole? - Gotta fess up. Gotta fess up. 260 00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:46,430 Peaches, it weren't me. It was the blow. 261 00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:47,840 - Shut it, bitch! - Peaches. 262 00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:50,514 - Crackhead. - Slut junkie. 263 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:51,749 Zandra. 264 00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:54,753 Peaches has been your best friend from childhood. 265 00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:57,480 Now, why would you cheat on your best friend? 266 00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:03,271 He'd come round. Know what I'm saying? Know what I'm saying? 267 00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:05,476 When he was stressed. 268 00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:08,200 Know what I'm saying? Know what I'm saying? 269 00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:15,550 I would sympathise. 270 00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:18,280 Sympathise. Know what I'm saying? Know what I'm saying? 271 00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:20,636 Crack whore. 272 00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:25,557 Your partner has cheated on you. Your best friend has betrayed you. 273 00:17:25,640 --> 00:17:28,837 You don't have to put up with this. You're the innocent one here. 274 00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:38,200 A weird thing happened last night when I went to take a leak. 275 00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:46,795 I ended up pissing on a man with a glorious physique. 276 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:53,516 I said "What on earth are you doing on the restroom floor?" 277 00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:57,197 He said, "Don't ask stupid questions, 278 00:17:57,280 --> 00:18:02,593 just piss on me some more." 279 00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:07,831 "Piss on me, you whore." 280 00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:14,676 I pissed some more. 281 00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:23,633 I guess we all got our flaws, Jerry. 282 00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:26,919 Well, I'm confused here, Peaches. 283 00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:29,870 So, are you going to take him back? 284 00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:35,875 - Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. - Baby, I love you. 285 00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:38,713 Well, I guess you got away with it this time, Dwight. 286 00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:41,952 Jerry. 287 00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:45,829 Jerry. 288 00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:48,434 It's OK, it's my inner Valkyrie. 289 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:51,311 How can I help you today? 290 00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:55,155 Jerry makes the morons fight, 291 00:18:55,240 --> 00:19:01,794 but how does Jerry sleep at night? 292 00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:05,589 How do I sleep? I sleep on my back. Thank you. 293 00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:08,798 You know, it's easy to occupy the moral high ground. 294 00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:11,998 What's more difficult is to confidently occupy 295 00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:14,515 the moral low ground. Go away. 296 00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:22,678 So, Dwight, you told our producers before the show 297 00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:24,558 that you've got another secret. 298 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:30,436 - Baby, there's one more thing. - Uh-huh. 299 00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:34,229 One more, baby. There's one more, baby. There's... 300 00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:40,040 I've been seeing someone else. 301 00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:44,158 What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fucking, fucking fuck? 302 00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:47,392 - Bring 'em on. - Jerry, Jerry. 303 00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:49,790 Jerry, Jerry. 304 00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:53,958 - Chick with a dick. - I am a man. 305 00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:55,872 - I am a man. - Chick with a dick. 306 00:19:55,960 --> 00:20:00,352 I am a man. 307 00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:09,233 I'm a man. 308 00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:12,915 I'm a man. 309 00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:16,553 Tacky, tack-tack, tack-tacky queen. 310 00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:19,075 Tacky, tack-tack, tack-tacky queen. 311 00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:22,232 Hush all your shouting. You can hush all your bitching. 312 00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:26,439 You can talk to the hand cos the face ain't listening. 313 00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:27,874 Loser. 314 00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:29,439 Loser. 315 00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:31,079 - Talk to the hand. - Loser. 316 00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:32,480 - Talk to the hand. - Loser. 317 00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:33,914 - Talk to the hand. - Loser. 318 00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:39,589 - Cos the face ain't listening. - Loser. Faggot. 319 00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:42,513 Look at little piggy. See how she squeals. 320 00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:45,592 My advice to you, bitch, get a face peel. 321 00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:48,559 - Loser, loser, butt boy. - To the hand. 322 00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:50,677 Loser, loser, butt boy. 323 00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:54,313 Hush your dirty mouth, my tubby lady chimp. 324 00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:57,472 Lose the facial hair and you might find a pimp. 325 00:20:57,560 --> 00:21:00,120 - Loser, loser, loser. - To the hand. 326 00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:02,840 Loser, loser, loser. 327 00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:05,878 Talk to the hand. 328 00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:08,270 You so tragic, you so sad, 329 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:11,753 cos your brother is your dad. 330 00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:14,798 Talk to the hand. 331 00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:17,520 You so slow, you so dumb, 332 00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:20,638 cos you live off gay men's cum. 333 00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:22,199 Do you want some? Do you want some? 334 00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:23,554 Come and get it. Come and get it. 335 00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:25,039 Do you want some? Do you want some? 336 00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:26,633 Come and get it. Come and get it. 337 00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:31,954 When you're dead and buried in the grass, 338 00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:37,718 I'll dig you up and fuck you up the ass. 339 00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:38,915 Talk to the hand. 340 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,469 - Cos the face ain't listening. - Talk to the hand. 341 00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:44,154 - Cos the face ain't listening. - Talk to the hand. 342 00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:46,038 Talk to the hand. 343 00:21:46,120 --> 00:21:48,270 Talk to the hand. 344 00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:50,510 Talk to the hand. 345 00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:52,796 Talk to the hand. 346 00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:54,996 Talk to the hand. 347 00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:57,594 Talk to the hand cos the face ain't listening. 348 00:21:57,680 --> 00:21:59,557 - Talk to the hand. - To the hand. To the hand. 349 00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:02,200 - Talk to the hand. - To the hand. To the... 350 00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:06,438 Vomit, vomit, vomit. 351 00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:09,239 Puke up my guts. Throw up, re-vomit. 352 00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:12,073 Kill all gays. Kill all gays. 353 00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:14,276 Welcome to the show, Tremont. 354 00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:24,358 So, Tremont, let me get this straight. 355 00:22:24,440 --> 00:22:27,717 She says she's his. She says he's hers. 356 00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:32,920 They say he's theirs. So I guess you're saying he's yours. 357 00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:35,230 Now, what's going on? 358 00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:40,437 He said that she said that I said 359 00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:45,037 that I said that he said that she said 360 00:22:45,120 --> 00:22:47,999 that they said that she said we both said that he said 361 00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:51,960 that I said that you said something or other. I forget. 362 00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:55,873 She said that he said that I said 363 00:22:55,960 --> 00:22:58,873 that I said that she said that they said. 364 00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:00,951 - He's mine. - I don't think so. 365 00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:03,714 - He said that she said... - I don't think so. I don't think so. 366 00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:05,359 - He's mine. He's mine. - He's mine. He's mine. 367 00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:08,432 He said that she said, he said that you said. 368 00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:10,511 - Does it really matter? - What? 369 00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:13,035 Does it really matter? 370 00:23:13,120 --> 00:23:14,793 What? 371 00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:17,991 Cos 372 00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:22,994 at the end of the day 373 00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:29,274 I... 374 00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:36,997 I... 375 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:42,994 I... 376 00:23:44,080 --> 00:23:47,869 I love you. 377 00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:51,592 I love you. 378 00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:57,111 Chick with a dick with a heart. 379 00:23:57,200 --> 00:24:01,034 Chick with a dick with a heart. 380 00:24:01,120 --> 00:24:03,111 Chick with a dick with a heart. 381 00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:08,513 Ladyboy. 382 00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:12,150 L-L-L-L-Ladyboy. F-F-F-F-Faggot. 383 00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:14,470 Butt boy. 384 00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:17,359 What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fucking, fucking fuck? 385 00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:21,354 OK. OK, Dwight. So, 386 00:24:21,440 --> 00:24:23,556 who's it gonna be? 387 00:24:23,640 --> 00:24:28,589 I want my baby back. 388 00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:32,560 Peaches, baby, please come back. 389 00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:37,191 They don't mean shit to me. 390 00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:42,195 They're just whores and douchebags. 391 00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:48,190 Steve. 392 00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:51,272 Steve. 393 00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:58,153 Well, Peaches, it's your call. Where do we go from here? 394 00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:03,390 You don't see me cry. 395 00:25:04,280 --> 00:25:08,751 You don't see me cry. 396 00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:13,471 I just say goodbye. 397 00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:17,474 Bisexual, bye-bye. 398 00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:22,677 Bisexual, bye-bye. 399 00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:26,879 - Bisexual, bye-bye. - Bisexual, bye-bye. 400 00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:29,470 You're just a tramp. 401 00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:31,710 Come back, baby. 402 00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:34,314 You're just a crack whore. 403 00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:36,471 It wasn't me, it was the smack. 404 00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:40,679 You're just a butt-plugging, corn-holing, man-loving, 405 00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:43,320 - sodomising, boy-fucking... - Talk to the hand. 406 00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:45,232 - ...crazy dirtbag. - Talk to the hand. 407 00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:47,470 You're all scum. 408 00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:50,029 Talk to the hand. 409 00:25:50,120 --> 00:25:52,396 You're all scum. 410 00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:54,551 Loser. 411 00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:57,075 Loser. 412 00:25:57,160 --> 00:26:04,999 Loser. 413 00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:08,516 More secrets after these commercials. Don't go away. 414 00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:24,518 You may look beautiful now, 415 00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:27,911 but in ten years, 416 00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:30,992 you're gonna look like a dog. 417 00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:34,911 The future is ugly. The future is ugly. 418 00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:38,516 What's to become of me? What's to become of me? 419 00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:40,796 Surgery. 420 00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:46,436 Doctor Knife. Doctor Knife. Keeping you young for the rest of your life. 421 00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:50,993 Are you insured? Are you insured? 422 00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:53,310 No insurance means no cure. 423 00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:56,119 You'll die alone in your home. 424 00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:59,158 - Screaming in agony. - Screaming in agony. 425 00:26:59,240 --> 00:27:01,914 - Retching and puking. - From every orifice. 426 00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:03,798 Think you'd better get insured. 427 00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:10,640 Don't let weight problems spoil your night. 428 00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:13,030 Throw away your diets 429 00:27:13,120 --> 00:27:19,116 and use a parasite. 430 00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:24,479 Some people do as they think they should. 431 00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:27,552 Others get Viagra and get wood. 432 00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:30,511 - Jerry, Jerry. - Go, Jerry, go. 433 00:27:30,600 --> 00:27:32,113 Jerry, Jerry. 434 00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:37,513 Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. 435 00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:38,954 Thank you. Welcome... 436 00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:41,793 If you all like Jerry, clap your hands. 437 00:27:41,880 --> 00:27:44,520 If you all like Jerry, clap your hands. 438 00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:47,069 If you all like Jerry, clap your hands. 439 00:27:47,160 --> 00:27:49,879 Then slap your glands and fuck your best friend's wife. 440 00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:52,952 Oh, slap your glands and fuck your best friend's wife. 441 00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:56,311 Thank you and welcome back. 442 00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:59,518 My next guest with a guilty secret is Montel. 443 00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:03,956 So, Montel, what's on your mind? 444 00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:07,749 I've been seeing Andrea here 445 00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:12,073 - and we're in love. - Ah! 446 00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:15,357 - We're in love. - Ah! 447 00:28:15,440 --> 00:28:21,959 We're in love. 448 00:28:22,040 --> 00:28:24,919 Ah! 449 00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:27,833 - What is it you want to tell Andrea? - Well, Jerry. 450 00:28:27,920 --> 00:28:29,797 Don't talk to me, talk to Andrea. 451 00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:34,914 Baby, I love you with all of my heart 452 00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:38,516 but there is one thing you could do for me 453 00:28:38,600 --> 00:28:45,472 which could change 454 00:28:45,560 --> 00:28:48,757 my life. 455 00:28:48,840 --> 00:28:52,993 Change my life. 456 00:28:53,080 --> 00:28:55,071 Tell me, baby. Tell me, baby. 457 00:28:55,160 --> 00:28:58,471 - Well, baby. - Tell me, baby. Tell me, baby. 458 00:28:58,560 --> 00:29:00,119 Well, baby. 459 00:29:00,200 --> 00:29:04,592 Tell me, baby. Tell me, baby. Tell me, baby. Tell me, baby. 460 00:29:05,040 --> 00:29:06,314 Tell me. 461 00:29:07,320 --> 00:29:12,156 I wanna be your baby, 462 00:29:12,240 --> 00:29:14,595 baby. 463 00:29:14,680 --> 00:29:18,355 You are my baby, 464 00:29:18,440 --> 00:29:21,478 baby. 465 00:29:22,120 --> 00:29:24,919 What I mean is, 466 00:29:26,000 --> 00:29:29,709 I wanna be your baby. 467 00:29:33,200 --> 00:29:34,395 What? 468 00:29:35,800 --> 00:29:37,791 Be your baby. 469 00:29:37,880 --> 00:29:41,669 - You've gotta be kidding. - Be your baby. Be your baby. 470 00:29:41,760 --> 00:29:44,912 - You've gotta be kidding. - Be your baby. Be your baby. 471 00:29:45,000 --> 00:29:49,278 - Tell me this is bullshit. - Be your baby. Be your baby. 472 00:29:49,360 --> 00:29:52,910 I want to be your baby, baby. 473 00:29:53,000 --> 00:29:54,832 B-A-B with a Y. 474 00:29:54,920 --> 00:29:57,480 - What the fuck? - B-A-B-Y. 475 00:29:57,560 --> 00:29:59,551 If baby gets bad, 476 00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:01,950 if baby gets slack, 477 00:30:02,040 --> 00:30:06,511 Momma give B-A-B-Y big, big smack. 478 00:30:06,600 --> 00:30:09,114 - Montel, what are you saying? - Baby. 479 00:30:09,200 --> 00:30:11,714 Stop it. What the fuck is happening here? 480 00:30:11,800 --> 00:30:13,473 - Baby. Baby. - Stop it. Watch it. 481 00:30:13,560 --> 00:30:18,634 Montel, Montel, what the fuck is going on here? 482 00:30:19,240 --> 00:30:23,473 Momma get all angry. 483 00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:25,517 Stop it, Montel. 484 00:30:25,600 --> 00:30:27,113 - Stop it. - Andrea... 485 00:30:28,160 --> 00:30:29,355 You seem upset. 486 00:30:32,400 --> 00:30:34,516 So, what is it you want to say to Montel? 487 00:30:37,600 --> 00:30:39,876 - Montel. - Momma. 488 00:30:39,960 --> 00:30:41,712 - Stop this. - Momma. 489 00:30:41,800 --> 00:30:44,918 - We can... - Momma. 490 00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:47,992 Work it out. 491 00:30:49,920 --> 00:30:52,992 It would mean a lot to me, baby. 492 00:30:53,080 --> 00:30:54,991 Get some therapy. 493 00:30:55,080 --> 00:31:00,314 It would help in the bed department. 494 00:31:00,960 --> 00:31:04,476 - Bed department? - Yes. 495 00:31:04,560 --> 00:31:08,235 Are you saying I'm bad in bed? 496 00:31:08,320 --> 00:31:09,719 No, baby. 497 00:31:09,800 --> 00:31:11,711 - What, then? - Well... 498 00:31:11,800 --> 00:31:15,395 Spit it out. Spit it out. Are you trying to say you're gay? 499 00:31:15,480 --> 00:31:18,393 - No, baby. It's so very hard. - Put your pants on. 500 00:31:18,480 --> 00:31:21,120 - Be a man and tell me. - So hard. 501 00:31:21,200 --> 00:31:23,032 - So hard. - Tell me. 502 00:31:23,120 --> 00:31:24,838 - Well... - What? 503 00:31:24,920 --> 00:31:26,069 - It's... - What? 504 00:31:26,160 --> 00:31:27,480 - Er... - What? 505 00:31:27,560 --> 00:31:28,834 - What? - What? 506 00:31:28,920 --> 00:31:34,074 Please don't tell us, we can guess. 507 00:31:34,160 --> 00:31:37,198 Will you get out of my head? I'm working here. 508 00:31:38,000 --> 00:31:39,593 Now get. 509 00:31:48,720 --> 00:31:52,634 Some people like to relax in casinos, 510 00:31:52,720 --> 00:31:56,873 others get their kicks shoving powder up their nose. 511 00:31:56,960 --> 00:31:59,474 That's how it is. 512 00:31:59,560 --> 00:32:01,471 That's how it is. 513 00:32:01,560 --> 00:32:05,190 That's how it is. That's how it is. 514 00:32:05,280 --> 00:32:09,797 Some people chill with a pill or a reefer, 515 00:32:09,880 --> 00:32:13,794 others like to eat their lunch off a whore's beaver. 516 00:32:13,880 --> 00:32:16,269 That's how it is. 517 00:32:16,360 --> 00:32:17,998 That's how it is. 518 00:32:18,080 --> 00:32:22,074 For some, morning mass, for others, hairy ass. 519 00:32:22,160 --> 00:32:26,472 I got a need, a special desire, 520 00:32:26,560 --> 00:32:30,713 a little thing, a harmless thing which sets my soul on fire, 521 00:32:30,800 --> 00:32:34,839 which sends me spinning into space and puts me in a trance. 522 00:32:34,920 --> 00:32:37,309 A little thing, a harmless thing. 523 00:32:37,400 --> 00:32:40,438 A little thing, a harmless thing. 524 00:32:42,880 --> 00:32:45,918 I just wanna shit my pants. 525 00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:50,517 Oh, I just wanna shit my pants. 526 00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:57,393 Oh, pooping in my Calvin Kleins. 527 00:33:32,000 --> 00:33:35,755 It might seem pathetic, might show a lack of class. 528 00:33:36,280 --> 00:33:40,239 I only feel the real me 529 00:33:41,440 --> 00:33:44,353 when the shit's 530 00:33:44,440 --> 00:33:48,229 pouring outta my ass. 531 00:33:52,760 --> 00:33:55,832 So, spit it out, Montel, what's the big secret? 532 00:33:56,720 --> 00:34:00,600 I had to get my diaper action. 533 00:34:00,680 --> 00:34:04,992 Had to get my diaper action. 534 00:34:05,080 --> 00:34:09,278 I've been seeing Baby Jane. 535 00:34:09,360 --> 00:34:11,237 Please welcome Baby Jane. 536 00:34:16,120 --> 00:34:22,799 This is my Jerry Springer moment. 537 00:34:27,000 --> 00:34:34,236 I don't want this moment to die. 538 00:34:35,040 --> 00:34:39,193 So dip me in chocolate 539 00:34:39,280 --> 00:34:43,911 and throw me to the lesbians. 540 00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:52,000 I don't want this moment to die. 541 00:34:52,520 --> 00:34:59,039 This is her Jerry Springer moment. 542 00:35:03,000 --> 00:35:11,000 She don't want this moment to die. 543 00:35:11,480 --> 00:35:15,314 So dip her in chocolate 544 00:35:15,400 --> 00:35:20,315 and throw her to the lesbians. 545 00:35:20,400 --> 00:35:25,429 To the lesbians. 546 00:35:25,960 --> 00:35:33,960 She don't want this moment to die. 547 00:35:52,560 --> 00:35:55,518 - Thank you, Baby Jane. - Jerry! 548 00:35:55,600 --> 00:35:58,513 Oh, er... No, not right now. Nice dress. 549 00:36:00,200 --> 00:36:05,274 So, Baby Jane, what is it you want to say to Andrea? 550 00:36:05,360 --> 00:36:08,273 - Momma gimme smack on the asshole. - Disgusting. 551 00:36:08,360 --> 00:36:11,432 - Momma gimme smack every night. - Do you want some? 552 00:36:11,520 --> 00:36:13,875 Momma gimme smack on the asshole. 553 00:36:13,960 --> 00:36:17,555 - Everything will be alright. - You fucking sicko. 554 00:36:17,640 --> 00:36:20,314 You frickin' pervert. I'm gonna whup your ass. 555 00:36:20,400 --> 00:36:23,836 Dirty, stealing, stupid, fucking bitch. Bitch. Bitch. 556 00:36:23,920 --> 00:36:24,830 - Momma. - Bitch. 557 00:36:24,920 --> 00:36:26,672 - Momma. - Bitch. 558 00:36:26,760 --> 00:36:28,159 - Bitch. - Momma. 559 00:36:28,240 --> 00:36:30,470 - Bitch. - Momma. 560 00:36:30,560 --> 00:36:32,915 Bitch. Bitch. 561 00:36:33,000 --> 00:36:34,479 Everything will be al... 562 00:36:34,560 --> 00:36:37,791 Go, go, girl. Take her eyes out. 563 00:36:37,880 --> 00:36:40,793 Go, go, girl. Rip her hair out. 564 00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:43,952 Nothing more exciting than bitches fighting. 565 00:36:44,040 --> 00:36:46,714 Nothing more exciting than bitches fighting. 566 00:36:46,800 --> 00:36:49,394 Go, go, girl. Slash her Kmart pants. 567 00:36:49,480 --> 00:36:52,598 Go, go, girl. Burst her implants. 568 00:36:52,680 --> 00:36:54,671 Alright. Alright. Alright. 569 00:36:57,880 --> 00:36:59,439 So, Montel, 570 00:37:00,600 --> 00:37:03,353 Andrea is your partner of two years. 571 00:37:04,360 --> 00:37:06,795 Surely you must have something to say to her. 572 00:37:07,600 --> 00:37:10,513 If you feel blue, 573 00:37:10,600 --> 00:37:15,231 my advice to you 574 00:37:15,320 --> 00:37:17,231 is... 575 00:37:17,320 --> 00:37:20,631 - Poop your fucking pants. - Poop your fucking pants. 576 00:37:20,720 --> 00:37:23,792 - Poop your fucking pants. - Poop your fucking pants. 577 00:37:23,880 --> 00:37:27,396 - Poop your fucking pants. - Why don't you poop your pants? 578 00:37:27,480 --> 00:37:30,120 - Poop your fucking pants. - Poop your pants. Poop your pants. 579 00:37:30,200 --> 00:37:33,636 Poop your pants. Poop your fu-u-u-u-u-ucking pants. 580 00:37:33,720 --> 00:37:36,917 - Stop this fucking shit. - Loser. Loser. 581 00:37:37,000 --> 00:37:40,231 - Show me some respect. - Loser. Loser. 582 00:37:40,320 --> 00:37:42,357 Do you want some? 583 00:37:42,440 --> 00:37:45,910 Who-o-o-oa, bitch. 584 00:37:46,000 --> 00:37:48,389 You know, 585 00:37:48,480 --> 00:37:51,472 I never wanted to be a talk-show host. 586 00:37:54,480 --> 00:37:56,391 Well, here we go. 587 00:37:56,480 --> 00:37:59,552 - Bitch. - Do you want some? 588 00:37:59,640 --> 00:38:02,792 Come and get it. Come and get it, motherfuckers. 589 00:38:02,880 --> 00:38:04,951 Come and get it. Come and get it. 590 00:38:06,160 --> 00:38:11,155 I wish you could like her. 591 00:38:11,240 --> 00:38:16,997 Like her then wipe her 592 00:38:17,080 --> 00:38:18,559 - diaper. - Fuck you. 593 00:38:18,640 --> 00:38:19,960 Diaper pooping. Diaper pooping. 594 00:38:20,040 --> 00:38:21,633 - Diaper. - That's enough. 595 00:38:21,720 --> 00:38:23,233 Diaper pooping. Diaper pooping. 596 00:38:23,320 --> 00:38:25,038 - Diaper. - Baby, please. 597 00:38:25,120 --> 00:38:27,396 Who-o-o-oa, diaper. 598 00:38:27,480 --> 00:38:29,118 - Baby. - Pooping. 599 00:38:29,200 --> 00:38:31,237 - Baby. - Diaper. 600 00:38:31,320 --> 00:38:32,469 Pooping. 601 00:38:33,160 --> 00:38:34,912 Diaper. 602 00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:40,916 Dia-Dia-Dia-Diaper. 603 00:38:41,000 --> 00:38:43,913 More guilt after the break. Don't go away. 604 00:38:54,800 --> 00:39:02,480 I want to sing something beautiful. 605 00:39:02,560 --> 00:39:04,073 OK, honey, that's enough. 606 00:39:04,160 --> 00:39:11,112 I want to sing something positive. 607 00:39:11,200 --> 00:39:13,271 Why don't we carry this on in the green room? 608 00:39:13,360 --> 00:39:19,151 I want to learn how to dream again. 609 00:39:20,200 --> 00:39:23,875 To feel again. 610 00:39:23,960 --> 00:39:26,554 Look, we really gotta wind this up now. 611 00:39:26,640 --> 00:39:32,158 - I wanna stand on top... - Thank you. 612 00:39:32,240 --> 00:39:34,834 - ...of a hill... - Steve. 613 00:39:36,200 --> 00:39:43,755 In the arms of my lover, 614 00:39:45,600 --> 00:39:49,309 bathed in the light 615 00:39:49,400 --> 00:39:53,678 of rainbows, 616 00:39:53,760 --> 00:39:57,993 with spring in my heart 617 00:39:58,080 --> 00:40:02,199 and love by my side. 618 00:40:02,280 --> 00:40:05,796 Oh, stay with me. Stay with me. 619 00:40:05,880 --> 00:40:11,034 Stay with me, baby. 620 00:40:11,720 --> 00:40:13,597 Stay with me. Stay with me. 621 00:40:13,680 --> 00:40:20,074 Stay with me, baby. 622 00:40:28,680 --> 00:40:32,389 No motivation. 623 00:40:33,040 --> 00:40:37,591 No idea. No aim. 624 00:40:38,400 --> 00:40:40,710 No problem. 625 00:40:40,800 --> 00:40:43,519 No worries. 626 00:40:43,600 --> 00:40:51,189 Novocaine. 627 00:40:54,160 --> 00:40:56,231 Buy a gun. Buy a big gun. 628 00:40:56,320 --> 00:40:58,231 Have some fun with a big gun. 629 00:40:58,320 --> 00:41:00,436 Ooh, look at my gun. Look at my big gun. 630 00:41:00,520 --> 00:41:04,354 Ooh, look at my gun. Look at my big gun. You could have a gun, too. 631 00:41:04,440 --> 00:41:07,796 Yes, you could have a gun, too, but you gotta buy it first. 632 00:41:09,800 --> 00:41:11,950 Bounce back. 633 00:41:12,040 --> 00:41:14,031 Bounce back. 634 00:41:14,120 --> 00:41:19,479 Bounce back with Prozac. 635 00:41:22,800 --> 00:41:25,189 Give in to Jesus. 636 00:41:25,280 --> 00:41:31,390 Give in to Jesus or alternatively die. 637 00:41:31,480 --> 00:41:38,398 Die a ho-o-o-o-o-o-orrible, 638 00:41:38,480 --> 00:41:41,438 die a horrible death. Jesus. 639 00:41:48,600 --> 00:41:53,879 The first time I saw Jerry on TV, 640 00:41:53,960 --> 00:41:58,431 I knew that there was hope for me. 641 00:41:59,160 --> 00:42:04,109 When I saw how he worked the crowd, 642 00:42:04,200 --> 00:42:09,798 I knew that he could help me out. 643 00:42:09,880 --> 00:42:15,000 Before that, I was empty inside. 644 00:42:15,080 --> 00:42:19,677 I had considered suicide. 645 00:42:19,760 --> 00:42:27,760 But now I'm a vital member of Jerry's team. 646 00:42:29,320 --> 00:42:36,238 But sometimes I wonder how much he values me. 647 00:42:36,320 --> 00:42:40,029 What the fuck is that idiot warm-up man doing out there? 648 00:42:40,120 --> 00:42:42,509 He's turning my people into a mob. 649 00:42:43,240 --> 00:42:45,834 You're right, Steve, he's got to go. 650 00:42:45,920 --> 00:42:50,153 Hey, Jerry, what can I say, man? Tough crowd. 651 00:42:50,240 --> 00:42:51,594 Nice to see you, Jonathan. 652 00:42:51,680 --> 00:42:56,197 Sorry if I let those assholes get a little too loud. 653 00:42:56,280 --> 00:42:58,317 Those assholes are my audience. 654 00:42:58,400 --> 00:43:01,199 Jerry, don't bullshit me. 655 00:43:01,680 --> 00:43:06,231 You and me both, we know they are scum. 656 00:43:06,320 --> 00:43:09,039 Filthy cock-sucking scum. 657 00:43:09,120 --> 00:43:10,793 Your job is to control those scum 658 00:43:10,880 --> 00:43:13,076 and keeping them from upstaging my guests. 659 00:43:13,680 --> 00:43:15,432 Pimps and perverts, teenage whores, 660 00:43:15,520 --> 00:43:19,400 people so fat they get stuck in revolving doors. 661 00:43:20,400 --> 00:43:23,597 And we get them through those doors and onto a plane to Chicago. 662 00:43:23,680 --> 00:43:26,513 Sluts and faggots, 663 00:43:26,600 --> 00:43:29,991 gimps eating maggots. 664 00:43:30,080 --> 00:43:32,720 We never had a maggot-eating gimp on this show. 665 00:43:33,360 --> 00:43:36,751 - Jerry, you could do anything. - What are you talking about? 666 00:43:36,840 --> 00:43:39,480 You could run for Senate or even president. 667 00:43:39,560 --> 00:43:41,756 If I want my dick sucked, I'll call my agent. 668 00:43:41,840 --> 00:43:44,878 Looks like you're cruising, playing it safe. 669 00:43:44,960 --> 00:43:46,871 You're way out of line, pal. 670 00:43:46,960 --> 00:43:49,873 You need a challenge and I got just the thing. 671 00:43:49,960 --> 00:43:55,478 Gonna make you sweat when you're in the ring. 672 00:43:55,560 --> 00:43:58,279 Jonathan, let's cut this short. 673 00:43:59,600 --> 00:44:03,070 You need help. Help and a new job. 674 00:44:03,160 --> 00:44:05,151 No! You... 675 00:44:06,200 --> 00:44:08,191 So thanks for this little chat. 676 00:44:11,320 --> 00:44:13,960 Oh, and good luck in the warm-up industry. 677 00:44:15,800 --> 00:44:18,519 Sorry, faggots, if I'm outta line. 678 00:44:18,600 --> 00:44:21,274 Sorry if I'm taking too much of your time. 679 00:44:21,360 --> 00:44:24,398 Mister Fucking Big Shot, sun shines out his ass, 680 00:44:24,480 --> 00:44:27,154 take your job and shove it. It's been such a blast. 681 00:44:28,400 --> 00:44:30,311 That's the last we'll see of him. 682 00:44:30,400 --> 00:44:33,472 Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. 683 00:44:34,600 --> 00:44:38,389 I'm so lonely. 684 00:44:42,800 --> 00:44:44,757 That went well. 685 00:44:46,760 --> 00:44:50,754 You know, when I was a younger man, 686 00:44:51,760 --> 00:44:54,479 I was passionate about civil rights, 687 00:44:54,560 --> 00:44:57,518 education, the anti-war movement. 688 00:44:57,600 --> 00:45:00,160 I was even elected to the city council. 689 00:45:01,400 --> 00:45:07,874 And then one day, I, er, I went to a prostitute, 690 00:45:07,960 --> 00:45:10,110 and I paid her with a cheque. 691 00:45:11,160 --> 00:45:14,551 Next day it was all over. But I faced up to it. 692 00:45:15,200 --> 00:45:18,192 And later I was elected mayor of Cincinnati. 693 00:45:19,400 --> 00:45:22,791 That's the third largest city... in Ohio. 694 00:45:23,600 --> 00:45:27,116 There are only two things you need to know about politics. One, 695 00:45:27,200 --> 00:45:30,716 you'll never get anywhere unless you have the courage to speak up 696 00:45:30,800 --> 00:45:33,599 about what you know to be the truth. And two, 697 00:45:35,000 --> 00:45:38,675 some things should always be paid for in cash. 698 00:45:38,760 --> 00:45:40,751 My cards? Where are my cards? 699 00:45:41,800 --> 00:45:43,711 - Jerry, Jerry. - Go, Jerry, go. 700 00:45:43,800 --> 00:45:45,234 Jerry, Jerry. 701 00:45:45,320 --> 00:45:49,712 Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. 702 00:45:49,800 --> 00:45:51,711 - Hello. - Oh, Jerry. 703 00:45:51,800 --> 00:45:53,359 - How are you? - Oh, Jerry. 704 00:45:53,440 --> 00:45:57,513 - Jerry. - Thank you and welcome back. 705 00:45:59,400 --> 00:46:04,110 Thank you. And now our final guest. Please say hello to Shawntel. 706 00:46:10,520 --> 00:46:13,433 Fat bitch. Fat bitch. 707 00:46:13,520 --> 00:46:15,636 - Shut up. Shut up. Sit down. - Dumb ho. 708 00:46:15,720 --> 00:46:19,315 - Shut up. Shut up. Sit down. - Dumb ho. 709 00:46:19,400 --> 00:46:22,518 Shawntel, it says here that you want to be a pole dancer. 710 00:46:23,760 --> 00:46:25,273 All my life 711 00:46:25,360 --> 00:46:29,194 All my life, I've been running after other people, 712 00:46:29,280 --> 00:46:32,398 looking after them, cleaning up their shit, 713 00:46:32,480 --> 00:46:39,193 now I wanna find my dreams again. 714 00:46:39,280 --> 00:46:41,590 - What? In a strip club? - Good one. 715 00:46:41,680 --> 00:46:43,910 Bug-eyed loser, strip slut. 716 00:46:44,000 --> 00:46:46,833 Bug-eyed loser, strip slut. 717 00:46:46,920 --> 00:46:49,992 - Talk to the ass. - Strip slut. 718 00:46:50,080 --> 00:46:52,993 - Talk to the ass. - Strip slut. 719 00:46:53,080 --> 00:46:54,991 - You fucking bitch. - What did...? 720 00:46:55,080 --> 00:46:59,472 Shawntel, I can see you have a lot of natural talent. 721 00:46:59,560 --> 00:47:03,076 I also see here that you're married. So, what does your husband think? 722 00:47:05,000 --> 00:47:07,640 I don't know. We don't talk. 723 00:47:07,720 --> 00:47:11,873 Well, let's bring him on and find out. Please welcome Chucky. 724 00:47:12,520 --> 00:47:16,559 Hillbilly. Hillbilly. Squeal like a piggy. 725 00:47:16,640 --> 00:47:22,989 Hillbilly. Hillbilly. Squeal like a piggy. Eeeeee! 726 00:47:23,080 --> 00:47:25,594 Put your fucking clothes on, you stupid bitch. 727 00:47:25,680 --> 00:47:28,069 - Don't you touch me... - You stupid bitch! 728 00:47:28,160 --> 00:47:30,879 - ...or I'll kill you in your sleep. - You stupid bitch. 729 00:47:30,960 --> 00:47:34,476 - Cocksucker. Talk to the ass. - You look ridiculous. 730 00:47:34,560 --> 00:47:37,632 - Talk to the ass. - You look ridiculous. 731 00:47:38,200 --> 00:47:41,955 So, I take it you're not too thrilled with Shawntel's pole-dancing dreams? 732 00:47:43,000 --> 00:47:45,514 She looks like a clown. 733 00:47:45,600 --> 00:47:48,433 She looks like a slut. 734 00:47:48,520 --> 00:47:52,991 He don't know shit. He never saw me dance. 735 00:47:53,080 --> 00:47:55,754 But he watches other women dance every night 736 00:47:55,840 --> 00:47:57,558 - with his buddies. - Yeah, right. 737 00:47:57,640 --> 00:48:00,359 Well, let's see her dance. We have a pole. 738 00:48:00,440 --> 00:48:03,876 We have some music. Let's go. 739 00:48:03,960 --> 00:48:05,917 Dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, 740 00:48:06,000 --> 00:48:07,911 dance, dance, dance, strip slut. 741 00:48:08,000 --> 00:48:09,911 Shake that booty, strip slut. 742 00:48:10,000 --> 00:48:15,996 - Shake that booty, strip slut. - Bullshit! 743 00:48:20,200 --> 00:48:25,400 I don't give a fuck no more 744 00:48:26,000 --> 00:48:31,996 if people think I am a whore. 745 00:48:33,000 --> 00:48:35,514 I just wanna dance. 746 00:48:35,600 --> 00:48:38,911 Oh, I just wanna dance. 747 00:48:39,000 --> 00:48:44,598 Things are going bad for me. 748 00:48:45,400 --> 00:48:50,793 I am feeling sad for me. 749 00:48:51,400 --> 00:48:54,756 So, I just wanna dance. 750 00:48:54,840 --> 00:48:57,798 Oh, I just wanna dance. 751 00:48:57,880 --> 00:49:04,070 I'm tired of laughing, I'm tired of crying. 752 00:49:04,160 --> 00:49:10,111 I'm tired of failing, and I'm tired of all this trying. 753 00:49:10,200 --> 00:49:16,310 I wanna do some living cos I've done enough dying. 754 00:49:16,400 --> 00:49:19,233 I just wanna dance. 755 00:49:19,320 --> 00:49:27,320 I just wanna fucking dance. 756 00:49:28,160 --> 00:49:34,918 Oh, dance. 757 00:49:35,520 --> 00:49:41,710 Dance. 758 00:49:42,400 --> 00:49:47,156 She's tired of laughing, she's tired of crying. 759 00:49:47,240 --> 00:49:51,916 She's tired of failing and she's tired of all this trying. 760 00:49:52,000 --> 00:49:56,915 She wants to do some living cos she's done enough dying. 761 00:49:57,000 --> 00:49:59,469 She just wants to dance. 762 00:49:59,560 --> 00:50:03,713 She just wants to fucking dance. 763 00:50:04,400 --> 00:50:09,110 Dance. 764 00:50:09,200 --> 00:50:12,113 - She just wants to fucking dance. - Dance. 765 00:50:12,800 --> 00:50:16,589 Dance. 766 00:50:17,320 --> 00:50:19,755 - I just wanna fucking... - Thank you, Shawntel. 767 00:50:29,080 --> 00:50:30,514 But we've got another guest 768 00:50:30,600 --> 00:50:33,399 who's none too happy with your choice of career. 769 00:50:33,480 --> 00:50:35,357 Your mother Irene. 770 00:50:41,920 --> 00:50:44,992 It has no name. 771 00:50:45,080 --> 00:50:47,799 It is a whore. 772 00:50:47,880 --> 00:50:50,349 - It has no name. - Momma. 773 00:50:50,440 --> 00:50:53,558 - It is a whore. - Momma. 774 00:50:53,640 --> 00:50:56,154 - It will burn. - Momma. 775 00:50:56,240 --> 00:50:59,153 - It will fry. - Momma. 776 00:50:59,240 --> 00:51:04,872 You're just a sack of misery. 777 00:51:04,960 --> 00:51:09,909 Everything you touch turns to cancer. 778 00:51:10,000 --> 00:51:13,038 Hope you die 779 00:51:13,120 --> 00:51:18,069 slow with pain swimming round your ugly ass, 780 00:51:18,160 --> 00:51:20,629 your skanky sorry ass. 781 00:51:32,160 --> 00:51:34,390 Welcome to the show, Irene. 782 00:51:34,480 --> 00:51:37,677 I, erm, sense some hostility towards your daughter. 783 00:51:42,760 --> 00:51:48,836 Some are descended from angels. 784 00:51:49,680 --> 00:51:56,120 Others are descended from apes. 785 00:51:56,200 --> 00:52:02,196 Some are the result of romantic love. 786 00:52:02,960 --> 00:52:08,797 Others the result of rapes. 787 00:52:08,880 --> 00:52:14,592 Well, I wish she'd died at birth. 788 00:52:14,680 --> 00:52:19,675 And I wish you'd died at birth, too. 789 00:52:19,760 --> 00:52:22,320 Well, at least you agree on one thing. 790 00:52:22,400 --> 00:52:25,119 So, Chucky, how do you fit into all of this? 791 00:52:25,880 --> 00:52:30,272 If she don't stop, I'll find me another woman. 792 00:52:30,360 --> 00:52:33,273 What are you gonna do? Buy her or drug her? 793 00:52:33,360 --> 00:52:40,232 Gonna find me something to replace her tainted, sagging old skin. 794 00:52:40,320 --> 00:52:44,234 Good. Good. I'm tired of your little dick flesh. 795 00:52:44,320 --> 00:52:47,233 It's so small I get more pleasure 796 00:52:47,320 --> 00:52:52,554 from fucking myself with my own clitoris. 797 00:52:53,040 --> 00:52:55,953 All women are whores. 798 00:52:56,040 --> 00:52:58,475 Whores or sluts or prostitutes. 799 00:52:58,560 --> 00:53:00,312 You don't know shit. 800 00:53:00,400 --> 00:53:01,913 You don't know shit. 801 00:53:02,000 --> 00:53:08,315 He's just an inbreed three-nippled cousin-fucker. 802 00:53:08,400 --> 00:53:12,314 Inbreed three-nippled cousin-fucker. Three-nippled cousin-fuck... 803 00:53:12,400 --> 00:53:16,314 Inbreed three-nippled cousin-fucker. Three-nippled cousin-fuck... 804 00:53:16,400 --> 00:53:19,631 Three-nippled cousin-fuck... Three-nippled cousin-fucker. 805 00:53:21,280 --> 00:53:23,078 You're the innocent one, Chucky. 806 00:53:24,600 --> 00:53:27,353 I ain't easy, but I'm honest. 807 00:53:27,440 --> 00:53:29,192 So, no secrets, then? 808 00:53:31,080 --> 00:53:34,596 I like flowers more than people. 809 00:53:36,200 --> 00:53:37,429 No, Jerry. 810 00:53:37,520 --> 00:53:39,113 Well, that's strange, Chucky, 811 00:53:39,200 --> 00:53:42,795 because we followed you around with our secret camera, the Jerrycam. 812 00:53:42,880 --> 00:53:47,272 And to be honest, we were a little surprised by what we saw. 813 00:53:49,800 --> 00:53:54,431 He came, he saw, he Jerrycam. 814 00:53:55,080 --> 00:53:59,278 He came, he saw, he Jerrycam. 815 00:53:59,880 --> 00:54:01,996 Veni, vidi, Jerrycam. 816 00:54:02,080 --> 00:54:04,390 Veni, vidi, Jerrycam. 817 00:54:04,480 --> 00:54:06,790 Adoremus Jerrycam. 818 00:54:06,880 --> 00:54:09,315 Benedictus Jerry fucking... 819 00:54:09,400 --> 00:54:16,511 Bring on the Klan. 820 00:54:16,600 --> 00:54:18,750 No, not the fucking Klan. 821 00:54:18,840 --> 00:54:25,871 Bring on the Klan. 822 00:54:25,960 --> 00:54:28,031 No, not the fucking Klan. 823 00:54:28,120 --> 00:54:32,591 No, not the fucking Klan. 824 00:54:34,200 --> 00:54:39,320 Well, I guess it would be rude not to. Please welcome the Ku Klux Klan. 825 00:54:40,800 --> 00:54:42,120 Come on, boys. 826 00:54:51,000 --> 00:54:52,399 Come on. 827 00:54:55,680 --> 00:54:58,433 Get your fuckin' hands off of me. You fucked-up... 828 00:55:12,600 --> 00:55:17,595 This is our Jerry Springer moment. 829 00:55:18,880 --> 00:55:23,750 We don't want this moment to die. 830 00:55:24,960 --> 00:55:28,635 So dip us in chocolate 831 00:55:28,720 --> 00:55:31,997 and throw us to the lesbians. 832 00:55:32,080 --> 00:55:35,596 We don't want this moment to die. 833 00:55:43,000 --> 00:55:45,196 Jews and blacks will go to hell. 834 00:55:47,800 --> 00:55:50,314 New York Democrats as well. 835 00:55:56,000 --> 00:56:01,074 We don't want this moment to 836 00:56:02,160 --> 00:56:03,514 die. 837 00:56:03,600 --> 00:56:05,079 Die. 838 00:56:05,160 --> 00:56:06,753 Die. 839 00:56:06,840 --> 00:56:08,672 Die. 840 00:56:08,760 --> 00:56:10,319 Die. 841 00:56:10,400 --> 00:56:11,754 Die. 842 00:56:11,840 --> 00:56:14,036 Die. 843 00:56:14,120 --> 00:56:15,554 Die. 844 00:56:16,440 --> 00:56:19,193 Die. 845 00:56:19,840 --> 00:56:22,309 Die. 846 00:56:23,200 --> 00:56:26,511 Die. 847 00:56:26,600 --> 00:56:30,036 We're running out of time. My final thought. 848 00:56:30,120 --> 00:56:37,834 Die. 849 00:56:43,800 --> 00:56:44,995 I've been shot. 850 00:56:47,200 --> 00:56:50,989 I'm confused. Why would I get shot? 851 00:58:32,520 --> 00:58:35,831 Wow! That's some medication they got me on. 852 00:58:37,360 --> 00:58:40,159 Jerry, Jerry. 853 00:58:40,960 --> 00:58:43,520 Jerry, Jerry. 854 00:58:43,600 --> 00:58:46,752 Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. 855 00:58:46,840 --> 00:58:50,276 Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. 856 00:58:50,360 --> 00:58:53,671 - Jerry. - Oh, Jerry. 857 00:58:53,760 --> 00:58:58,231 Jerry. 858 00:59:00,280 --> 00:59:04,399 Are you sure that's mine? I never eat sweet corn. 859 00:59:11,640 --> 00:59:13,313 Steve! 860 00:59:13,400 --> 00:59:15,038 It's good to see you. 861 00:59:15,120 --> 00:59:19,478 Oh, you never let me down. But you didn't take that bullet. 862 00:59:19,560 --> 00:59:21,631 Just kidding. 863 00:59:22,280 --> 00:59:25,272 Jerry, Jerry. 864 00:59:26,120 --> 00:59:28,839 Jerry, Jerry. 865 00:59:28,920 --> 00:59:32,117 Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. 866 00:59:32,200 --> 00:59:35,192 Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. 867 00:59:35,280 --> 00:59:38,910 - Jerry. - Oh, Jerry. 868 00:59:39,000 --> 00:59:42,630 Jerry. 869 00:59:42,720 --> 00:59:45,872 Steve, how cool is this? Singing nurses, 870 00:59:46,880 --> 00:59:51,113 a giant cigar and, look, my own moving chair. 871 00:59:54,440 --> 00:59:56,351 Is there a problem here? 872 01:00:04,840 --> 01:00:06,274 Visitors. 873 01:00:10,560 --> 01:00:13,313 I hope they brought me some grapes. 874 01:00:19,400 --> 01:00:24,429 We eat, excrete and watch TV. 875 01:00:25,040 --> 01:00:29,796 And you are there for us, Jerry. 876 01:00:30,680 --> 01:00:35,516 Jerry, can you understand? 877 01:00:36,400 --> 01:00:41,520 We sit out in nowhereland, 878 01:00:41,600 --> 01:00:46,151 wanting and yearning, 879 01:00:46,240 --> 01:00:51,394 our bloated stomachs churning. 880 01:00:52,000 --> 01:00:54,913 Eat, excrete and watch TV. 881 01:00:55,000 --> 01:00:59,631 You are there for us, Jerry. 882 01:00:59,720 --> 01:01:02,109 Steve, let me get this straight. 883 01:01:02,920 --> 01:01:07,596 - You eat, excrete... - And watch TV. 884 01:01:08,480 --> 01:01:13,077 - But I am there for you? - Jerry. 885 01:01:13,160 --> 01:01:15,800 Steve, what exactly are they saying here? 886 01:01:15,880 --> 01:01:17,234 Jerry, you're so difficult. 887 01:01:17,320 --> 01:01:20,039 They're exactly saying that they eat, excrete and watch TV 888 01:01:20,120 --> 01:01:23,590 but you are there for them, Jerry. 889 01:01:23,680 --> 01:01:27,639 Oh, well, it's so nice of you guys to take time out of your day to drop by. 890 01:01:28,720 --> 01:01:31,030 I never knew I had so many friends. 891 01:01:31,120 --> 01:01:33,077 So, how's it going with you guys? 892 01:01:33,160 --> 01:01:36,437 To be frank, pretty fucked. 893 01:01:37,480 --> 01:01:39,710 Well, I can sympathise. 894 01:01:39,800 --> 01:01:43,031 Ratings are low. I've got a class-action suit pending. 895 01:01:43,120 --> 01:01:46,476 Not to mention this bullet-wound-in-the-chest thing. 896 01:01:46,560 --> 01:01:48,471 Come and see. 897 01:01:49,040 --> 01:01:51,634 Come and see what you have done 898 01:01:51,720 --> 01:01:56,794 to me. 899 01:01:59,240 --> 01:02:02,551 Steve, this sounds like lawyer talk. 900 01:02:03,200 --> 01:02:04,952 Don't say anything. 901 01:02:07,240 --> 01:02:09,151 One day you're 17, 902 01:02:09,240 --> 01:02:11,390 17, 17. 903 01:02:11,480 --> 01:02:15,553 Then just before you're 18, 18, 904 01:02:15,640 --> 01:02:18,234 suddenly, suddenly, 905 01:02:18,320 --> 01:02:21,915 you realise you're 56. 906 01:02:23,160 --> 01:02:27,393 56? Well, you've got your whole life ahead of you. 907 01:02:27,480 --> 01:02:29,790 You're one good-looking woman. 908 01:02:32,000 --> 01:02:35,516 He was handsome. 909 01:02:36,280 --> 01:02:39,193 He was smart. 910 01:02:39,280 --> 01:02:43,319 He betrayed every friend. 911 01:02:43,400 --> 01:02:47,837 He broke every heart. 912 01:02:58,760 --> 01:03:02,549 But one day he awoke 913 01:03:02,640 --> 01:03:06,918 to a scene that made him heave. 914 01:03:07,000 --> 01:03:10,880 He'd been drugged up and fucked 915 01:03:10,960 --> 01:03:14,271 by some sailors on leave. 916 01:03:15,560 --> 01:03:18,678 Sailors on leave. 917 01:03:19,400 --> 01:03:23,155 Hired and paid for by me. 918 01:03:25,120 --> 01:03:29,079 You hired him a sailor, Shawntel? Jeez, Chucky, you're a lucky guy. 919 01:03:29,160 --> 01:03:32,551 All my wife ever got me was a reflexologist. 920 01:03:33,400 --> 01:03:37,633 I came home from a titty bar, 921 01:03:37,720 --> 01:03:41,714 where I'd spent all night. 922 01:03:41,800 --> 01:03:45,555 She covers me in kerosene 923 01:03:45,640 --> 01:03:48,712 and sets me fucking alight. 924 01:03:48,800 --> 01:03:50,632 Fry. 925 01:03:50,720 --> 01:03:53,712 You set him on fire, your husband of 15 years? 926 01:03:53,800 --> 01:03:56,189 What was it, your anniversary? 927 01:03:56,280 --> 01:03:59,591 Light of my life, 928 01:03:59,680 --> 01:04:02,559 fire of my loins, 929 01:04:02,640 --> 01:04:04,995 lover and laugher 930 01:04:05,080 --> 01:04:08,436 and drinker and friend. 931 01:04:08,520 --> 01:04:11,399 You stole my dreams. 932 01:04:11,480 --> 01:04:13,676 You broke my jaw. 933 01:04:13,760 --> 01:04:16,752 But you said you were sorry 934 01:04:16,840 --> 01:04:20,037 so I came back for more. 935 01:04:20,120 --> 01:04:23,112 Stupid whore. 936 01:04:26,120 --> 01:04:28,760 Came back for more. 937 01:04:28,840 --> 01:04:31,958 Stupid whore. 938 01:04:34,920 --> 01:04:37,878 Came back for more. 939 01:04:37,960 --> 01:04:40,634 More, more. 940 01:04:40,720 --> 01:04:43,553 More, more. 941 01:04:43,640 --> 01:04:46,632 More. 942 01:04:46,720 --> 01:04:50,793 You know, if there's one thing that really sickens me, it's violence. 943 01:04:52,360 --> 01:04:56,513 Unless it's on TV, in a carefully controlled environment. 944 01:04:57,440 --> 01:05:00,114 When you fall in love, 945 01:05:00,200 --> 01:05:03,556 it could last forever. 946 01:05:03,640 --> 01:05:06,758 But usually it lasts about a month. 947 01:05:06,840 --> 01:05:08,831 So I shot myself in the head 948 01:05:08,920 --> 01:05:12,515 but I missed and ended up half dead. 949 01:05:13,240 --> 01:05:16,198 Now there's a hole where my brain used to be. 950 01:05:16,280 --> 01:05:19,272 I'm hooked to a monitor. I find it hard to pee. 951 01:05:19,360 --> 01:05:22,273 I slur and I dribble and I live off my drip feed 952 01:05:22,360 --> 01:05:27,958 but I still can get a hard-on if I jerk till I bleed. 953 01:05:28,600 --> 01:05:31,274 Jerk 954 01:05:31,360 --> 01:05:32,873 till I bleed. 955 01:05:32,960 --> 01:05:35,076 Jerk till I bleed. 956 01:05:35,160 --> 01:05:38,437 Jerk till I bleed. 957 01:05:38,520 --> 01:05:40,397 At least something good came out of it. 958 01:05:42,000 --> 01:05:45,994 I made love 959 01:05:46,080 --> 01:05:49,835 to a dying man. 960 01:05:50,640 --> 01:05:54,270 I knew he was dying 961 01:05:54,360 --> 01:06:00,595 cos I was holding the pillow 962 01:06:00,680 --> 01:06:03,149 over his face. 963 01:06:03,240 --> 01:06:05,356 Steve, I think we'd better get out of here. 964 01:06:05,920 --> 01:06:08,309 There is only one cure 965 01:06:08,400 --> 01:06:10,869 for unrequited love. 966 01:06:10,960 --> 01:06:14,430 Chocolate and howling at the moon. 967 01:06:27,280 --> 01:06:30,318 Eat, excrete and watch TV. 968 01:06:30,400 --> 01:06:35,600 Eat, excrete and watch TV. 969 01:06:35,680 --> 01:06:39,435 You know what? It's been great catching up with you guys. 970 01:06:39,520 --> 01:06:42,239 And you've taken some knocks, 971 01:06:42,320 --> 01:06:45,073 but you've gotta pick yourselves up. 972 01:06:45,160 --> 01:06:48,949 Dust yourselves off and have a magical day. 973 01:06:50,360 --> 01:06:52,590 Behind you. Behind you. 974 01:06:52,680 --> 01:06:54,830 Behind you. 975 01:06:54,920 --> 01:06:58,072 Dies irae. 976 01:06:58,160 --> 01:07:00,879 Dies irae. 977 01:07:00,960 --> 01:07:02,109 What now? 978 01:07:03,600 --> 01:07:08,151 Dead woman walking. 979 01:07:10,040 --> 01:07:15,638 Dead woman walking. 980 01:07:15,720 --> 01:07:19,953 Baby Jane, you look like shit. What happened to you? 981 01:07:20,600 --> 01:07:24,070 Momma gave me smack on the asshole. 982 01:07:24,720 --> 01:07:27,917 Momma gave me smack on the head. 983 01:07:28,000 --> 01:07:32,949 But Momma gave me smack with a monkey wrench 984 01:07:33,040 --> 01:07:37,477 and now I am dead. 985 01:07:51,200 --> 01:07:53,111 You know, Steve, 986 01:07:53,200 --> 01:07:57,319 a person with less broadcasting experience might feel responsible. 987 01:07:59,160 --> 01:08:04,473 Your dreams take place in Manhattan. 988 01:08:05,800 --> 01:08:11,716 Ours take place in Minnesota. 989 01:08:12,400 --> 01:08:17,918 Your dreams are driven in a Bentley. 990 01:08:18,760 --> 01:08:24,392 Ours in a rusty Skoda. 991 01:08:25,200 --> 01:08:27,430 Big dreams 992 01:08:27,520 --> 01:08:31,115 and small dreams, 993 01:08:31,200 --> 01:08:34,238 like all dreams 994 01:08:34,320 --> 01:08:37,836 just stay dreams. 995 01:08:47,800 --> 01:08:50,952 I guess this must be what guilt feels like. 996 01:08:51,040 --> 01:08:57,958 That was my Jerry Springer moment. 997 01:08:59,400 --> 01:09:03,553 I didn't want that moment 998 01:09:03,640 --> 01:09:08,510 to die. 999 01:09:09,280 --> 01:09:13,114 Seen all over the planet 1000 01:09:13,200 --> 01:09:17,558 on worldwide TV, 1001 01:09:17,640 --> 01:09:20,871 except developing countries 1002 01:09:20,960 --> 01:09:23,156 and Germany. 1003 01:09:23,960 --> 01:09:27,396 I'll never understand why they didn't pick the show up in Germany. 1004 01:09:27,480 --> 01:09:28,914 But don't get me started. 1005 01:09:30,400 --> 01:09:32,471 Oh, how my heart 1006 01:09:32,560 --> 01:09:34,915 aches for love. 1007 01:09:35,000 --> 01:09:37,389 Aches for love. 1008 01:09:37,480 --> 01:09:39,835 Oh, how my heart 1009 01:09:39,920 --> 01:09:42,116 aches for love. 1010 01:09:42,200 --> 01:09:44,840 Aches for love. 1011 01:09:44,920 --> 01:09:49,676 - Oh, how my heart - Oh, how my heart 1012 01:09:49,760 --> 01:09:54,470 - Oh, how my heart - Oh, how my heart 1013 01:09:54,560 --> 01:09:56,631 aches, 1014 01:09:56,720 --> 01:09:58,996 aches, 1015 01:09:59,080 --> 01:10:04,837 aches. 1016 01:10:09,520 --> 01:10:13,195 Alright, let's clear up a basic misunderstanding right now. 1017 01:10:14,560 --> 01:10:16,551 You all wanted to come on the show. 1018 01:10:18,360 --> 01:10:20,795 You all had your 15 seconds of fame. 1019 01:10:21,840 --> 01:10:25,151 You all got to stay in a three-star hotel. 1020 01:10:26,280 --> 01:10:28,510 You all got an expenses-paid trip, 1021 01:10:28,600 --> 01:10:32,719 minus minibar bills, Chucky, to Chicago. 1022 01:10:32,800 --> 01:10:35,872 And, remember, that's Chicago, the Windy City. 1023 01:10:35,960 --> 01:10:38,110 The city of, of... 1024 01:10:39,280 --> 01:10:40,475 wind. 1025 01:10:41,280 --> 01:10:45,194 You all knew the risks. You signed the disclaimer. 1026 01:10:45,280 --> 01:10:48,910 So stop breaking my balls and get out of my... 1027 01:10:50,760 --> 01:10:53,115 Steve, where the fuck are we? 1028 01:10:53,600 --> 01:10:55,716 Jerry, Jerry, 1029 01:10:55,800 --> 01:10:58,713 you have been chosen. 1030 01:10:58,800 --> 01:11:00,711 Chosen? 1031 01:11:00,800 --> 01:11:03,952 Is that a good thing? Could you be a little more specific? 1032 01:11:07,680 --> 01:11:09,637 Chosen. 1033 01:11:09,720 --> 01:11:12,917 - Chosen. - Chosen for what? 1034 01:11:13,800 --> 01:11:17,156 Will you people stop fucking with me? 1035 01:11:17,240 --> 01:11:19,709 Lo! He comes. 1036 01:11:19,800 --> 01:11:23,191 Lo! He comes. 1037 01:11:33,160 --> 01:11:37,119 Oh, great! It's that loser warm-up guy, Jonathan Wierus. 1038 01:11:37,200 --> 01:11:39,714 Wrong. Him am the devil. 1039 01:11:39,800 --> 01:11:43,031 - Ooh, yes, I'm evil. - Him am not good. 1040 01:11:43,120 --> 01:11:44,758 The opposite, in fact. 1041 01:11:44,840 --> 01:11:46,911 In fact, him a total cunt. 1042 01:11:47,000 --> 01:11:48,798 One way of putting it. 1043 01:11:48,880 --> 01:11:53,716 Him act as total cunt should. What a cunt. 1044 01:11:54,360 --> 01:11:55,873 What a cunt. 1045 01:11:55,960 --> 01:12:01,558 What a cunting, cunting, cunting, cunting cunt. 1046 01:12:08,960 --> 01:12:12,237 - You're telling me you're the devil? - Yes. 1047 01:12:14,960 --> 01:12:18,157 It takes more than a little red suit to be the devil. 1048 01:12:18,240 --> 01:12:20,675 Steve, throw this psycho out of here. 1049 01:12:21,240 --> 01:12:23,117 I don't think so. 1050 01:12:24,200 --> 01:12:26,794 N-N-N-N-N... 1051 01:12:26,880 --> 01:12:29,030 - Steve! - Naughty. 1052 01:12:29,120 --> 01:12:33,318 - N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-Naughty. - Steve, Steve! 1053 01:12:35,440 --> 01:12:36,919 OK, OK, hang on, hang on. 1054 01:12:39,120 --> 01:12:42,670 So maybe I was a little hasty with that firing thing. 1055 01:12:43,560 --> 01:12:48,555 That is of no concern. 1056 01:12:48,640 --> 01:12:53,669 Though it was not what I deserved. 1057 01:12:53,760 --> 01:12:58,391 I simply come to take you down 1058 01:12:58,480 --> 01:13:00,994 to hell where you will... 1059 01:13:01,080 --> 01:13:02,991 Serve. 1060 01:13:03,080 --> 01:13:06,630 Whoa, whoa, whoa! Time out! Let's rewind this a little. 1061 01:13:06,720 --> 01:13:08,711 Now, I don't want to serve in hell. 1062 01:13:08,800 --> 01:13:11,918 At this stage in my career, that would be a sideways move. 1063 01:13:13,600 --> 01:13:18,674 Come, Jerry, gird your loins, for we must journey south of heaven. 1064 01:13:18,760 --> 01:13:23,152 Step into this elevator and set a course for the basement level. 1065 01:13:23,240 --> 01:13:27,757 Fall with me. 1066 01:13:27,840 --> 01:13:32,118 - Fall with him. - I've got a table booked at The Ivy. 1067 01:13:32,200 --> 01:13:34,111 If you're proud and you walk tall, 1068 01:13:34,200 --> 01:13:36,555 you only got further to fall. 1069 01:13:36,640 --> 01:13:40,998 Like the apple on the tree, you'll soon succumb to gravity. 1070 01:13:41,080 --> 01:13:44,869 Fall with me. 1071 01:13:45,760 --> 01:13:48,752 Fall with him. 1072 01:13:48,840 --> 01:13:50,717 Fall, fall, fall, fall, fall, fall. 1073 01:13:50,800 --> 01:13:52,677 Fall, fall, fall, fall, fall, fall. 1074 01:13:52,760 --> 01:13:56,640 Doesn't matter what you are, prince or pauper, king or clown, 1075 01:13:56,720 --> 01:13:59,360 there is no greater act of love 1076 01:13:59,440 --> 01:14:01,431 than going down. 1077 01:14:01,520 --> 01:14:05,195 - Going down with me. - Steve! 1078 01:14:05,960 --> 01:14:10,318 - Going down with him. - I can't go to hell. I'm Jewish. 1079 01:14:10,400 --> 01:14:12,391 Surrender your mortal soul. 1080 01:14:12,480 --> 01:14:14,471 Let life swallow you up whole. 1081 01:14:14,560 --> 01:14:16,915 Wipe off that suspicious frown, 1082 01:14:17,000 --> 01:14:21,278 cos, baby, we all gotta go down. 1083 01:14:21,360 --> 01:14:23,271 - The white man. - Gotta go down. 1084 01:14:23,360 --> 01:14:25,590 - The black man. - Gotta go down. 1085 01:14:25,680 --> 01:14:27,956 The red man, green man, pink man, beige man. 1086 01:14:28,040 --> 01:14:29,633 Gotta go, gotta go d-d-down, d-d-down. 1087 01:14:29,720 --> 01:14:30,755 - The tax man. - Down. 1088 01:14:30,840 --> 01:14:31,955 - The gas man. - Down. 1089 01:14:32,040 --> 01:14:32,996 - The VAT man. - Down. 1090 01:14:33,080 --> 01:14:34,309 - The weatherman. - Down. 1091 01:14:34,400 --> 01:14:35,515 - The snowman. - Down. 1092 01:14:35,600 --> 01:14:36,670 - The doorman. - Down. 1093 01:14:36,760 --> 01:14:37,909 - The woman man. - Down. 1094 01:14:38,000 --> 01:14:39,320 Down, down. 1095 01:14:39,400 --> 01:14:40,913 Down, down. 1096 01:14:41,000 --> 01:14:43,719 Down, down. 1097 01:14:43,800 --> 01:14:45,473 Down, down. 1098 01:14:47,200 --> 01:14:50,192 Wait, 1099 01:14:50,280 --> 01:14:56,071 Prince of Darkness, 1100 01:14:56,800 --> 01:15:00,714 punish him not. 1101 01:15:02,960 --> 01:15:07,830 Jerry is not to blame. 1102 01:15:08,800 --> 01:15:13,397 With or without Jerry's show, 1103 01:15:14,200 --> 01:15:19,991 we'd all end up the same. 1104 01:15:21,000 --> 01:15:24,391 Men and women, black and white, 1105 01:15:25,560 --> 01:15:29,440 transsexual girls and boys, 1106 01:15:30,120 --> 01:15:33,670 the burned and crippled, 1107 01:15:33,760 --> 01:15:37,719 blind, the maimed, 1108 01:15:39,040 --> 01:15:42,078 distorted, 1109 01:15:42,160 --> 01:15:44,595 destroyed. 1110 01:15:45,320 --> 01:15:48,312 For society 1111 01:15:48,400 --> 01:15:56,400 has an ugly face. 1112 01:15:59,840 --> 01:16:02,912 Contorted, 1113 01:16:03,000 --> 01:16:07,278 smeared with shit. 1114 01:16:11,600 --> 01:16:14,240 Jerry did not make it so. 1115 01:16:14,320 --> 01:16:21,272 He merely holds a mirror to it. 1116 01:16:22,040 --> 01:16:24,714 That's right, what she said there. 1117 01:16:24,800 --> 01:16:26,996 I do the mirror thing. 1118 01:16:27,080 --> 01:16:28,593 Tell him again. Tell him again. 1119 01:16:30,160 --> 01:16:32,436 - The Wicker Man. - Gotta go down. 1120 01:16:32,520 --> 01:16:34,591 - Elephant Man. - Gotta go down. 1121 01:16:34,680 --> 01:16:36,717 - The Piltdown Man. - Gotta go down. 1122 01:16:36,800 --> 01:16:38,916 - The blah-blah man. - Gotta go down. 1123 01:16:39,000 --> 01:16:41,719 Blah, blah, blah, blah. 1124 01:16:41,800 --> 01:16:43,677 - Blah. - Blah, blah-blah, blah-blah, blah. 1125 01:16:43,760 --> 01:16:47,037 - Blah, blah-blah, blah-blah, blah. - Blah, blah. 1126 01:16:47,120 --> 01:16:49,316 The man with hair and the man with none, 1127 01:16:49,400 --> 01:16:51,550 the man with the knife and the man with the gun, 1128 01:16:51,640 --> 01:16:53,517 the man on the moon and the man on the farm, 1129 01:16:53,600 --> 01:16:55,955 the man with a needle stuck in his arm, 1130 01:16:56,040 --> 01:16:58,111 the man on the crapper with voices in his head, 1131 01:16:58,200 --> 01:17:00,316 the man who wishes every other man was dead, 1132 01:17:00,400 --> 01:17:02,437 the man with ten kids and a loving wife, 1133 01:17:02,520 --> 01:17:04,477 the man who has nothing to show for his life. 1134 01:17:04,560 --> 01:17:07,439 Every last motherfucker should go down. 1135 01:17:07,520 --> 01:17:10,512 Every last motherfucker should go down. 1136 01:17:10,600 --> 01:17:13,797 Every last motherfucker should go down. 1137 01:17:13,880 --> 01:17:16,076 - Down. - Wait a minute. 1138 01:17:17,560 --> 01:17:19,153 I'm confused here. 1139 01:17:20,800 --> 01:17:24,316 Why are you dragging me down to hell? I don't deserve this. 1140 01:17:24,400 --> 01:17:27,119 I'm not a bad guy. I just got lucky, that's all. 1141 01:17:27,200 --> 01:17:30,795 I mean, Jesus, is that a sin? 1142 01:17:30,880 --> 01:17:33,793 - No. - You see? They agree. 1143 01:17:33,880 --> 01:17:36,918 I take you to hell 1144 01:17:37,000 --> 01:17:39,560 to solve a problem 1145 01:17:39,640 --> 01:17:42,951 that's been chapping my ass 1146 01:17:43,040 --> 01:17:47,352 since the dawn of time. 1147 01:17:47,440 --> 01:17:51,399 Since the dawn of time. 1148 01:17:51,480 --> 01:17:53,630 You've got the wrong guy. 1149 01:17:53,720 --> 01:17:56,360 I don't solve problems. 1150 01:17:56,440 --> 01:18:00,115 I just televise them. Now, what do you want from me? 1151 01:18:01,480 --> 01:18:03,949 I want you to do a show for me. 1152 01:18:05,360 --> 01:18:08,637 Let me get this straight. You want me to do a show for you, 1153 01:18:08,720 --> 01:18:11,030 the devil, in hell? 1154 01:18:13,200 --> 01:18:17,797 Look, I'm under exclusive contract to USA Studios. 1155 01:18:17,880 --> 01:18:19,791 They've got a building full of lawyers. 1156 01:18:19,880 --> 01:18:23,635 You'd have to talk to the head of the company and he's not here. 1157 01:18:23,720 --> 01:18:26,314 Yes, he is. Yes, he is. 1158 01:18:26,400 --> 01:18:27,879 Show business. 1159 01:18:27,960 --> 01:18:30,839 Razzle-dazzle. Razzle-dazzle. Show business. 1160 01:18:30,920 --> 01:18:34,914 Do your greatest show for me. Turn chaos into harmony. 1161 01:18:38,800 --> 01:18:42,077 - And if I refuse? - For all eternity, 1162 01:18:43,440 --> 01:18:45,192 you will be, you will be... 1163 01:18:45,280 --> 01:18:47,351 Fried and flambéed. 1164 01:18:47,440 --> 01:18:49,556 Baked and sautéed. 1165 01:18:49,640 --> 01:18:51,790 - Steamed and stewed. - Then. 1166 01:18:51,880 --> 01:18:53,791 - Barbecued. - Then. 1167 01:18:53,880 --> 01:18:55,598 - Grilled and roasted. - Then. 1168 01:18:55,680 --> 01:18:57,318 Lightly toasted. 1169 01:18:57,400 --> 01:19:00,119 - Then, then, then, then. - Then, what? 1170 01:19:00,200 --> 01:19:02,430 Fucked up the ass 1171 01:19:02,520 --> 01:19:05,273 with barbed wire. 1172 01:19:08,960 --> 01:19:10,951 OK, so that's the downside. 1173 01:19:11,960 --> 01:19:16,477 So, what's the upside if I succeed in this? What's in it for me? 1174 01:19:16,560 --> 01:19:19,439 Not getting ass-fucked 1175 01:19:19,520 --> 01:19:21,830 with barbed wire. 1176 01:19:24,720 --> 01:19:26,438 So, what are the hours? 1177 01:19:29,600 --> 01:19:34,310 Jerry is going to hell. 1178 01:19:34,400 --> 01:19:36,198 - No, no, no, no, no. - Hot enough for ya? 1179 01:19:36,280 --> 01:19:37,953 Hot enough for ya? 1180 01:19:38,040 --> 01:19:40,429 - Jerry's going... - No! 1181 01:19:40,520 --> 01:19:42,750 To hell. 1182 01:19:42,840 --> 01:19:44,399 Hell. 1183 01:19:44,480 --> 01:19:51,079 Hell. 1184 01:19:51,160 --> 01:19:57,475 Hell. 1185 01:19:57,560 --> 01:19:59,073 Hot enough for ya? 1186 01:19:59,160 --> 01:20:00,798 Hot enough for ya? 1187 01:20:00,880 --> 01:20:02,279 Hot enough for ya? 1188 01:20:02,360 --> 01:20:04,351 Hot enough for ya? 1189 01:20:38,080 --> 01:20:41,516 Demons and devils, 1190 01:20:41,600 --> 01:20:44,718 incubi and succubi, 1191 01:20:44,800 --> 01:20:49,795 and princes and princesses of hell, 1192 01:20:51,200 --> 01:20:56,149 welcome for one night only 1193 01:20:56,240 --> 01:21:02,794 or perhaps for all eternity. 1194 01:21:03,600 --> 01:21:07,559 He's bigger than the planet earth. 1195 01:21:07,640 --> 01:21:10,951 Bigger than the biggest big. 1196 01:21:11,040 --> 01:21:13,953 Biggie, biggie, biggie, big. 1197 01:21:14,040 --> 01:21:16,634 Biggie, biggie, biggie, biggie, big. 1198 01:21:17,560 --> 01:21:22,316 - Lo! He comes. - Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. 1199 01:21:22,400 --> 01:21:27,600 - Lo! He comes. - Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. 1200 01:21:30,000 --> 01:21:33,709 Laudamus Jerry. 1201 01:21:34,320 --> 01:21:36,516 - Te adoremus. - Biggie, biggie, big. 1202 01:21:36,600 --> 01:21:40,309 Laudamus Jerry. 1203 01:21:40,400 --> 01:21:43,677 - Te adoremus. - Biggie, biggie, big. 1204 01:21:43,760 --> 01:21:51,760 Big. 1205 01:22:00,400 --> 01:22:04,598 Steve, this all seems strangely familiar. 1206 01:22:07,720 --> 01:22:09,119 Baby Jane. 1207 01:22:13,800 --> 01:22:17,634 - So, what am I supposed to do? - Just say the cards. 1208 01:22:26,800 --> 01:22:31,078 Hello and welcome to a very special edition of The Jerry Springer Show. 1209 01:22:32,320 --> 01:22:35,233 That's me. That's my show. 1210 01:22:38,600 --> 01:22:43,197 You know, from time immemorial, heaven and hell have been at war. 1211 01:22:46,400 --> 01:22:50,189 But is there a way of reconciling the irreconcilable 1212 01:22:50,280 --> 01:22:54,194 and giving both parties some sense of closure and a chance to move on? 1213 01:22:54,280 --> 01:22:56,999 Hey, wait a minute. Look, I don't do, never have done 1214 01:22:57,080 --> 01:23:00,038 and never will do conflict resolution. 1215 01:23:00,120 --> 01:23:03,112 - Then you will fry. - Please welcome my first guest, 1216 01:23:05,400 --> 01:23:09,155 the Prince of Darkness, Satan. 1217 01:23:10,160 --> 01:23:12,356 - Satan, Satan. - Go, Satan, go. 1218 01:23:12,440 --> 01:23:13,794 Satan, Satan. 1219 01:23:13,880 --> 01:23:16,110 Satan, Satan, Satan, Satan. 1220 01:23:16,200 --> 01:23:17,793 Satan, Satan, Sa... 1221 01:23:19,800 --> 01:23:24,874 Once in happy realms of light, 1222 01:23:24,960 --> 01:23:29,909 I was transcendental, 1223 01:23:30,000 --> 01:23:34,119 golden 1224 01:23:34,200 --> 01:23:37,238 and bright. 1225 01:23:39,400 --> 01:23:41,630 Bright. 1226 01:23:43,920 --> 01:23:48,949 But I rebelled and was cast down, 1227 01:23:49,040 --> 01:23:53,876 forced to surrender 1228 01:23:53,960 --> 01:24:00,718 my celestial crown. 1229 01:24:00,800 --> 01:24:02,677 Oh, 1230 01:24:02,760 --> 01:24:05,115 my crown. 1231 01:24:05,200 --> 01:24:07,316 Oh. 1232 01:24:07,400 --> 01:24:11,917 Then God hurled me from the skies, 1233 01:24:12,000 --> 01:24:15,709 not merciful enough 1234 01:24:15,800 --> 01:24:19,634 to let 1235 01:24:19,720 --> 01:24:24,840 me die. 1236 01:24:25,480 --> 01:24:29,235 Let me die. 1237 01:24:29,960 --> 01:24:32,429 Confounded, 1238 01:24:32,520 --> 01:24:35,433 immortal I. 1239 01:24:35,520 --> 01:24:38,558 Paradise 1240 01:24:38,640 --> 01:24:44,477 lost 1241 01:24:44,560 --> 01:24:48,997 and pain eternal. 1242 01:24:49,640 --> 01:24:52,678 Pain eternal. 1243 01:24:53,920 --> 01:24:55,240 You seem upset. 1244 01:24:55,320 --> 01:24:57,994 So, what exactly do you want? 1245 01:24:58,880 --> 01:25:00,917 I want it to be just like old times, 1246 01:25:01,000 --> 01:25:03,116 with Baby Jesus by my side. 1247 01:25:03,200 --> 01:25:05,589 I want my old wings back, as well. 1248 01:25:05,680 --> 01:25:07,830 Wanna get out of this dump called hell. 1249 01:25:07,920 --> 01:25:10,480 But first and most importantly, 1250 01:25:10,560 --> 01:25:14,076 I want a fucking apology. 1251 01:25:14,160 --> 01:25:16,515 - Apology. - An apology? 1252 01:25:17,360 --> 01:25:20,273 You instigated a coup d'état against God in heaven. 1253 01:25:21,320 --> 01:25:25,996 You went down to earth and you led mankind into a whole world of shit. 1254 01:25:26,080 --> 01:25:29,755 And you want me to get the good guys to apologise to you? 1255 01:25:29,840 --> 01:25:31,558 Are you out of your mind? 1256 01:25:31,640 --> 01:25:34,075 How in hell am I supposed to do that? 1257 01:25:34,160 --> 01:25:35,673 Just read the cards. 1258 01:25:40,320 --> 01:25:42,550 This is your handwriting, I suppose. 1259 01:25:44,040 --> 01:25:47,920 Let's see if we can get an apology from my next guest, 1260 01:25:48,000 --> 01:25:51,709 the hypocrite son of the fascist tyrant on high, 1261 01:25:51,800 --> 01:25:53,552 Jesus of Nazareth. 1262 01:25:53,640 --> 01:25:55,916 Jesus, Jesus, what the fuck? 1263 01:25:56,000 --> 01:25:58,230 Coming here, pushing his luck. 1264 01:25:58,320 --> 01:26:00,516 Make him wear a thorny crown. 1265 01:26:00,600 --> 01:26:04,878 Grab his pants and pull them down. 1266 01:26:05,400 --> 01:26:08,392 Old friend, 1267 01:26:08,480 --> 01:26:11,711 old foe, 1268 01:26:11,800 --> 01:26:19,594 I missed you. 1269 01:26:22,560 --> 01:26:24,870 Jesus, what a beautiful moment. 1270 01:26:26,400 --> 01:26:28,152 Jesus, 1271 01:26:30,000 --> 01:26:32,799 Satan has something he wants to say to you. 1272 01:26:34,120 --> 01:26:35,838 Go ahead, Satan. 1273 01:26:39,120 --> 01:26:47,120 Fu... 1274 01:26:48,200 --> 01:26:49,713 Fu... 1275 01:26:49,800 --> 01:26:55,159 Fu... 1276 01:26:55,240 --> 01:26:56,753 Fu... Fu-Fu... 1277 01:26:56,840 --> 01:26:58,558 Fu... Fu-Fu... 1278 01:26:58,640 --> 01:27:00,472 Fu... Fu... 1279 01:27:00,560 --> 01:27:03,837 Ta... 1280 01:27:03,920 --> 01:27:07,470 Fu... 1281 01:27:07,560 --> 01:27:11,269 Fu... 1282 01:27:11,360 --> 01:27:16,070 - Fu... - Ta... 1283 01:27:16,160 --> 01:27:17,992 - Fu...uu-uu... - Ta...aa-aa... 1284 01:27:18,080 --> 01:27:19,639 - Fu...uu-uu... - Ta...aa-aa... 1285 01:27:19,720 --> 01:27:21,313 - Fu... - Ta... 1286 01:27:21,400 --> 01:27:23,311 - Fu... - Ta... 1287 01:27:23,400 --> 01:27:24,959 - Fu... - Ta... 1288 01:27:25,040 --> 01:27:26,838 - Fu... - Ta... 1289 01:27:26,920 --> 01:27:30,436 - Fu... - Ta... 1290 01:27:30,520 --> 01:27:33,751 - Fu... - Ta... 1291 01:27:33,840 --> 01:27:35,717 Ta... 1292 01:27:35,800 --> 01:27:37,393 Fu... 1293 01:27:37,480 --> 01:27:39,278 Ta... 1294 01:27:39,360 --> 01:27:40,873 Fu... 1295 01:27:40,960 --> 01:27:42,553 - Ta... - Fu... 1296 01:27:42,640 --> 01:27:44,517 - Ta... - Fu... 1297 01:27:44,600 --> 01:27:48,036 - Ta... - Fu... 1298 01:27:48,120 --> 01:27:49,758 - Ta... - Fu... 1299 01:27:49,840 --> 01:27:53,356 - Ta... - Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu... Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu... 1300 01:27:53,440 --> 01:27:56,956 - Ta... - Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu... Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu... 1301 01:27:57,040 --> 01:28:00,829 - Ta... - Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu... Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu... 1302 01:28:00,920 --> 01:28:04,390 - Ta... - Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu... Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu... 1303 01:28:04,480 --> 01:28:05,993 - Ta... - Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu... 1304 01:28:06,080 --> 01:28:08,117 - Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu... - Ta... 1305 01:28:08,200 --> 01:28:11,670 - Fu... - Ta... 1306 01:28:11,760 --> 01:28:16,391 - Fu... - Ta... 1307 01:28:16,480 --> 01:28:20,269 - Fu... - Ta... 1308 01:28:22,600 --> 01:28:26,195 - Fu... - Ta... 1309 01:28:26,280 --> 01:28:27,918 - Fu... - Ta... 1310 01:28:28,000 --> 01:28:29,479 - Fu... - Ta... 1311 01:28:29,560 --> 01:28:31,278 - Ta... - Fu-Fu-Fu... 1312 01:28:31,360 --> 01:28:32,919 - Fu-Fu-Fu-Fu... - T! 1313 01:28:33,000 --> 01:28:34,991 - Ta... - Fu-Fu... Fu-Fu... 1314 01:28:35,080 --> 01:28:36,832 - Fu-Fu... Fu-Fu... - T! 1315 01:28:36,920 --> 01:28:41,118 Fu-Fu...ck 1316 01:28:41,200 --> 01:28:45,273 you. 1317 01:28:53,040 --> 01:28:55,919 Talk to the 1318 01:28:56,000 --> 01:28:58,594 stigmata. 1319 01:29:02,920 --> 01:29:06,834 Always has to have the last word. 1320 01:29:09,000 --> 01:29:10,673 That's right. 1321 01:29:11,600 --> 01:29:13,637 - Apologise. - Son of Man. 1322 01:29:13,720 --> 01:29:15,279 - Apologise. - Son of Man. 1323 01:29:15,360 --> 01:29:17,397 It ain't gonna happen. Sit down on your ass. 1324 01:29:17,480 --> 01:29:19,676 It ain't gonna happen. Sit down on your ass. 1325 01:29:19,760 --> 01:29:23,549 Jesus, Jesus, Jesus! Give me a second. 1326 01:29:25,400 --> 01:29:28,995 Satan, what are you doing here? You're making the situation worse. 1327 01:29:30,000 --> 01:29:33,152 Jesus has flown a long way to be here today. 1328 01:29:33,760 --> 01:29:36,149 This is not his neighbourhood. 1329 01:29:36,240 --> 01:29:38,800 Show him a little courtesy. 1330 01:29:41,400 --> 01:29:43,789 So he turned some water into wine. 1331 01:29:43,880 --> 01:29:44,790 Ooh! 1332 01:29:44,880 --> 01:29:47,315 So he walked across the frickin' seas. 1333 01:29:47,400 --> 01:29:48,390 Ooh! 1334 01:29:48,480 --> 01:29:51,233 So you got yourself crucified. 1335 01:29:51,320 --> 01:29:53,994 Here's a little biscuit from me. 1336 01:29:54,080 --> 01:29:58,597 I am Jesus, 1337 01:29:58,680 --> 01:30:01,240 Son of Man, 1338 01:30:01,320 --> 01:30:03,914 son of Mary, 1339 01:30:04,000 --> 01:30:08,278 son of God. 1340 01:30:09,280 --> 01:30:11,237 So do not, 1341 01:30:11,320 --> 01:30:13,038 do not, 1342 01:30:13,120 --> 01:30:16,112 do not fuck with me! 1343 01:30:16,760 --> 01:30:18,512 Ooh, scared. 1344 01:30:18,600 --> 01:30:25,472 I do not want your biscuit. 1345 01:30:25,560 --> 01:30:28,074 I want your love 1346 01:30:28,160 --> 01:30:31,073 and your respect. 1347 01:30:33,800 --> 01:30:36,952 For I am love 1348 01:30:37,040 --> 01:30:40,749 and I love all mankind. 1349 01:30:41,760 --> 01:30:44,274 - Jesus is gay. - Pathetic! 1350 01:30:44,360 --> 01:30:46,112 - Jesus is gay. - Gimme a break! 1351 01:30:46,200 --> 01:30:48,191 G-A-Y, gay! G-A-Y, gay! 1352 01:30:54,000 --> 01:30:55,593 Actually, 1353 01:30:56,600 --> 01:30:58,477 I am a bit gay. 1354 01:30:58,560 --> 01:31:00,631 G-A-Y, gay! G-A-Y, gay! 1355 01:31:00,720 --> 01:31:03,599 - G-A-Y, gay! G-A-Y, gay! - Satan. 1356 01:31:04,640 --> 01:31:06,438 Satan, 1357 01:31:07,440 --> 01:31:10,831 between you and me, if you want to achieve anything here, 1358 01:31:10,920 --> 01:31:14,470 you and your people are going to have to work with me on this. 1359 01:31:15,120 --> 01:31:16,713 Just read the cards. 1360 01:31:18,840 --> 01:31:20,478 Oh, Jesus! 1361 01:31:22,160 --> 01:31:25,357 You call yourself Jesus but you are not worthy of the name. 1362 01:31:25,440 --> 01:31:27,829 - Who wrote this shit? - The cards. 1363 01:31:30,400 --> 01:31:34,394 Let's meet two other guests who are also after an apology from Jesus. 1364 01:31:35,400 --> 01:31:38,040 He was fashioned from a lump of clay. 1365 01:31:38,720 --> 01:31:41,792 And she showed kindness to a snake. 1366 01:31:41,880 --> 01:31:45,760 The mother and father of humanity, Adam and Eve. 1367 01:31:55,080 --> 01:31:57,833 Put your fucking clothes on, you stupid bitch. 1368 01:31:57,920 --> 01:32:00,275 - Don't you touch me... - You stupid bitch! 1369 01:32:00,360 --> 01:32:03,352 - ...or I'll kill you in your sleep. - You stupid bitch. 1370 01:32:03,440 --> 01:32:06,671 - Cocksucker. Talk to the ass. - You look ridiculous. 1371 01:32:06,760 --> 01:32:09,878 - Talk to the ass. - She looks ridiculous. 1372 01:32:10,600 --> 01:32:12,352 Welcome to the show. 1373 01:32:12,960 --> 01:32:15,998 How's the relationship going? 1374 01:32:16,080 --> 01:32:19,152 All women are whores. 1375 01:32:19,240 --> 01:32:22,198 Whores or sluts or prostitutes. 1376 01:32:22,280 --> 01:32:23,634 He don't know shit. 1377 01:32:23,720 --> 01:32:25,119 He don't know shit. 1378 01:32:25,200 --> 01:32:27,919 He's just a piece of... 1379 01:32:28,000 --> 01:32:29,638 - Shut it. Slut! - Shut it. Gimp! 1380 01:32:29,720 --> 01:32:31,279 Whatever. 1381 01:32:31,360 --> 01:32:34,716 Putting aside your domestic grievances for just a moment, 1382 01:32:34,800 --> 01:32:38,430 Eve, what is it you want to say to Jesus? 1383 01:32:38,520 --> 01:32:43,754 - For one little apple... - Don't talk to me. Talk to Jesus. 1384 01:32:45,320 --> 01:32:51,032 For one little apple on a little tree, 1385 01:32:51,120 --> 01:32:54,511 we get a life of grief and misery. 1386 01:32:54,600 --> 01:32:58,559 She made me do it, made me do it. 1387 01:32:58,640 --> 01:33:01,951 You had your chance and you blew it. 1388 01:33:02,040 --> 01:33:04,395 Forbidden fruit. 1389 01:33:04,480 --> 01:33:06,437 Forbidden fruit. 1390 01:33:06,520 --> 01:33:09,034 But vegetables allowed. 1391 01:33:09,120 --> 01:33:11,634 - God's plan. - One little apple. 1392 01:33:11,720 --> 01:33:14,234 - God's plan. - Just a little apple. 1393 01:33:14,320 --> 01:33:17,756 - She made me do it, made me do it. - God's plan. God's plan. 1394 01:33:17,840 --> 01:33:21,310 Just a little apple. One little apple. 1395 01:33:21,400 --> 01:33:23,710 - Just a little apple. - Blame it on the snake, man. 1396 01:33:23,800 --> 01:33:26,155 One little apple. 1397 01:33:26,240 --> 01:33:28,914 - Just a little apple. - God's plan. 1398 01:33:37,320 --> 01:33:38,833 What the fuck? What the fuck? 1399 01:33:38,920 --> 01:33:41,309 What the fucking, fucking fuck? 1400 01:33:41,400 --> 01:33:45,997 That's just great, Jesus. You hit a woman. 1401 01:33:46,080 --> 01:33:48,913 I think you should apologise to her. 1402 01:33:50,880 --> 01:33:54,635 You followed the way 1403 01:33:54,720 --> 01:33:59,635 of ambition and vanity. 1404 01:34:00,160 --> 01:34:03,039 But it was me 1405 01:34:03,120 --> 01:34:08,354 who had to redeem humanity. 1406 01:34:09,000 --> 01:34:12,277 You're weeping now 1407 01:34:12,360 --> 01:34:18,038 but you didn't give a toss 1408 01:34:18,120 --> 01:34:22,000 when I was crying out, 1409 01:34:22,080 --> 01:34:24,310 crying out, 1410 01:34:24,400 --> 01:34:30,237 crying out on the cross. 1411 01:34:30,320 --> 01:34:34,757 On the cross. 1412 01:34:34,840 --> 01:34:39,676 - On the cross. - Always with the crucifixion. 1413 01:34:39,760 --> 01:34:41,671 Whatever! 1414 01:34:41,760 --> 01:34:45,674 That was 2,000 years ago. 1415 01:34:45,760 --> 01:34:50,470 Instead of banging on about it, 1416 01:34:50,560 --> 01:34:54,554 why don't you get over it 1417 01:34:54,640 --> 01:34:59,032 and give us all a fucking break? 1418 01:34:59,920 --> 01:35:01,957 Enough of this shit. Get on with it. 1419 01:35:02,040 --> 01:35:05,556 I'm trying to get on with it. I'm trying to get you your apology, 1420 01:35:05,640 --> 01:35:08,837 but this is an impossible situation. 1421 01:35:08,920 --> 01:35:10,638 Fucked up the ass 1422 01:35:10,720 --> 01:35:12,870 with barbed wire. 1423 01:35:14,000 --> 01:35:16,310 I'm not going to read this. There's no point. 1424 01:35:16,400 --> 01:35:18,710 Barbed wire. 1425 01:35:20,400 --> 01:35:22,596 Well, Satan, we've got a surprise guest 1426 01:35:25,400 --> 01:35:27,710 who wants to give her version of events. 1427 01:35:27,800 --> 01:35:31,919 Please welcome the teenage mother of Jesus, Mary. 1428 01:35:32,760 --> 01:35:34,956 Raped by an angel. 1429 01:35:35,040 --> 01:35:36,997 Raped by an angel. 1430 01:35:37,080 --> 01:35:39,151 Raped by an angel. 1431 01:35:39,240 --> 01:35:41,436 Raped by God. 1432 01:36:33,400 --> 01:36:35,676 What exactly are you saying here? 1433 01:36:37,200 --> 01:36:39,510 Where were you when I was on my own? 1434 01:36:39,600 --> 01:36:42,114 Where were you when they rolled the stone? 1435 01:36:42,200 --> 01:36:44,271 Where were you when I was getting old? 1436 01:36:44,360 --> 01:36:48,558 Where were you when I was sick and bald? 1437 01:36:49,160 --> 01:36:51,800 Where? Where? 1438 01:36:51,880 --> 01:36:54,998 Where were you? 1439 01:36:55,080 --> 01:36:58,198 Where? Where? 1440 01:36:58,280 --> 01:37:02,399 - Where were you? - Jesus wasn't there. He didn't care. 1441 01:37:02,480 --> 01:37:04,869 Where were you when the children cried? 1442 01:37:04,960 --> 01:37:07,236 Where were you when the children died? 1443 01:37:07,320 --> 01:37:09,630 Where were you when I was crucified? 1444 01:37:09,720 --> 01:37:13,679 Where were you when they pierced my side? 1445 01:37:13,760 --> 01:37:15,398 Where? 1446 01:37:15,480 --> 01:37:17,153 Where? 1447 01:37:17,240 --> 01:37:20,710 - Where were you? - Wasn't there. Didn't care. 1448 01:37:20,800 --> 01:37:22,950 Where? Where? 1449 01:37:23,040 --> 01:37:28,558 Where were you? 1450 01:37:28,640 --> 01:37:32,349 Doesn't know. Didn't show. Never there. Doesn't care! 1451 01:37:32,440 --> 01:37:35,319 Where were you when he got fleas? 1452 01:37:35,400 --> 01:37:38,392 Where were you when he lost his keys? 1453 01:37:38,480 --> 01:37:41,199 Where were you when her pants don't fit? 1454 01:37:41,280 --> 01:37:44,796 Where were you when the condom split? 1455 01:37:47,560 --> 01:37:51,190 - Is it me? - When the condom split. 1456 01:37:53,040 --> 01:37:56,192 - Somebody help me out here. - When the condom split. 1457 01:37:56,280 --> 01:37:58,874 You really gotta help me out. I don't know what to do. 1458 01:37:58,960 --> 01:38:01,873 We're tired of laughing 1459 01:38:01,960 --> 01:38:04,474 and we're tired of crying. 1460 01:38:04,560 --> 01:38:06,471 We're tired of failing. 1461 01:38:06,560 --> 01:38:09,393 - We're tired of all this trying. - I don't know what to do. 1462 01:38:09,480 --> 01:38:11,551 We wanna do some living 1463 01:38:11,640 --> 01:38:14,029 cos we've done enough dying. 1464 01:38:14,120 --> 01:38:17,112 So come on, Jerry Springer, 1465 01:38:17,200 --> 01:38:20,989 - and just read the fucking cards. - I don't have any cards. 1466 01:38:22,120 --> 01:38:26,478 Cards. 1467 01:38:26,560 --> 01:38:29,200 Just read the fucking cards. 1468 01:38:29,280 --> 01:38:31,669 Just read the fucking cards. 1469 01:38:31,760 --> 01:38:35,719 - I don't have any more cards! - Well, neither do I. 1470 01:38:35,800 --> 01:38:38,474 I can't get you your apologies. 1471 01:38:40,840 --> 01:38:43,912 This isn't fair. It's a set-up! 1472 01:38:45,400 --> 01:38:48,950 There's no way of solving this, short of a miracle. 1473 01:38:57,720 --> 01:38:59,438 Behold God! 1474 01:38:59,520 --> 01:39:02,160 We are beholding him. 1475 01:39:02,240 --> 01:39:04,356 Behold God! 1476 01:39:04,440 --> 01:39:06,351 We are beholding him. 1477 01:39:06,440 --> 01:39:08,829 - Then, behold him more! - What? 1478 01:39:08,920 --> 01:39:11,719 - Behold him more! - God? 1479 01:39:12,480 --> 01:39:15,871 Oh, thank God. Thank God, you're here. 1480 01:39:24,720 --> 01:39:29,794 It ain't easy being me. 1481 01:39:31,160 --> 01:39:36,872 It so ain't easy being me. 1482 01:39:38,240 --> 01:39:44,475 Billions of voices making all the wrong choices, 1483 01:39:44,560 --> 01:39:49,350 then turning round and blaming me. 1484 01:39:49,800 --> 01:39:51,916 I tell ya, 1485 01:39:52,000 --> 01:39:57,837 it ain't easy being me. 1486 01:39:58,840 --> 01:40:04,711 - It ain't easy being him. - It ain't. 1487 01:40:04,800 --> 01:40:10,398 - It so ain't easy being him. - It ain't. 1488 01:40:11,400 --> 01:40:19,400 Billions of voices making all the wrong choices. 1489 01:40:19,800 --> 01:40:26,877 It... 1490 01:40:27,960 --> 01:40:35,960 It ain't easy being me. 1491 01:40:45,160 --> 01:40:47,436 God. 1492 01:40:47,520 --> 01:40:50,990 You weren't on Satan's list of guests. What are you doing here? 1493 01:40:51,080 --> 01:40:52,434 What do you want? 1494 01:40:53,000 --> 01:40:55,514 Sit in heaven beside me. 1495 01:40:56,240 --> 01:40:59,039 Hold my hand and guide me. 1496 01:40:59,120 --> 01:41:03,990 Cos it ain't easy being me. 1497 01:41:04,080 --> 01:41:08,039 In fact, it's difficult. 1498 01:41:09,640 --> 01:41:12,996 Sit in heaven beside you, hold your hand and guide you? 1499 01:41:13,080 --> 01:41:15,640 Well, that's a no-brainer! 1500 01:41:15,720 --> 01:41:18,360 I'm your man. And, Satan. 1501 01:41:19,560 --> 01:41:24,236 You can take that barbed wire and stick it up your own ass. 1502 01:41:24,320 --> 01:41:27,438 Back into your sky. 1503 01:41:27,520 --> 01:41:30,558 - Jerry stays here to fry. - No, no, no, no. 1504 01:41:30,640 --> 01:41:33,519 - Fry! - He's mine. 1505 01:41:33,600 --> 01:41:36,240 - I don't think so. I don't think so. - He's mine. 1506 01:41:36,320 --> 01:41:37,993 He's mine. I don't think so. 1507 01:41:38,080 --> 01:41:39,229 - He's mine. He's mine. - He's mine. He's mine. 1508 01:41:39,320 --> 01:41:41,118 - I don't think so. I don't think so. - I don't think so. I don't think so. 1509 01:41:41,200 --> 01:41:43,919 I don't think so. 1510 01:41:56,080 --> 01:41:57,309 What the fuck? 1511 01:42:03,080 --> 01:42:05,390 - Fry! - Save us, Jerry. Save us, Jerry. 1512 01:42:05,480 --> 01:42:08,040 - Fry! - Steve, do something. 1513 01:42:10,200 --> 01:42:13,318 Seize the day and act, Jerry. 1514 01:42:13,400 --> 01:42:16,040 Burn, Jerry. Burn, Jerry. Jerry, burn. 1515 01:42:16,120 --> 01:42:19,078 Anybody, help! 1516 01:42:19,160 --> 01:42:22,391 Burn, Jerry. Burn, Jerry. 1517 01:42:22,480 --> 01:42:25,711 Burn, Jerry. Burn, Jerry. 1518 01:42:25,800 --> 01:42:28,792 Burn, Jerry. Burn, Jerry. 1519 01:42:28,880 --> 01:42:31,599 Jerry's gonna fry. Jerry's gonna fry. 1520 01:42:31,680 --> 01:42:32,829 Wait! Wait! 1521 01:42:33,720 --> 01:42:36,633 At least give me one chance to sort this out. 1522 01:42:41,160 --> 01:42:42,878 I have a dream. 1523 01:42:46,000 --> 01:42:50,312 I have a dream where everyone here turns to their neighbour 1524 01:42:53,480 --> 01:42:56,552 and shakes them by the hand and says, 1525 01:42:59,000 --> 01:43:01,799 "You know, you're not such a bad guy." 1526 01:43:01,880 --> 01:43:04,713 "Why don't you come on over? My wife's making meat loaf." 1527 01:43:04,800 --> 01:43:07,997 - Seize the day. - Burn, Jerry. Burn, Jerry. 1528 01:43:08,080 --> 01:43:12,199 Wait, wait! At least give me a second chance to sort this out. 1529 01:43:17,640 --> 01:43:19,756 Four score and seven years ago, 1530 01:43:23,400 --> 01:43:26,313 our forefathers brought forth on this continent 1531 01:43:29,840 --> 01:43:32,275 a new nation conceived in liberty, 1532 01:43:34,520 --> 01:43:36,557 conceived in freedom 1533 01:43:39,800 --> 01:43:41,279 and in... 1534 01:43:43,600 --> 01:43:45,796 other abstract concepts, 1535 01:43:46,400 --> 01:43:48,311 like smell. I-I... 1536 01:43:48,920 --> 01:43:53,039 - Burn, Jerry. - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 1537 01:43:53,120 --> 01:43:55,760 At least give me a third chance to sort this out. 1538 01:43:58,800 --> 01:44:02,191 There's just one thing I want to say to everyone here today. 1539 01:44:06,960 --> 01:44:08,359 Please. 1540 01:44:11,000 --> 01:44:14,914 Please don't kill me. Please. 1541 01:44:15,000 --> 01:44:17,879 - Seize the day. - Burn, Jerry. Burn, Jerry. 1542 01:44:17,960 --> 01:44:22,796 What the heck! Go ahead and burn me if it makes you happy. See if I care. 1543 01:44:24,600 --> 01:44:27,240 You're never gonna agree on everything. 1544 01:44:28,080 --> 01:44:29,718 And what's so bad about that? 1545 01:44:29,800 --> 01:44:33,794 Satan, you're never gonna get your apologies. 1546 01:44:34,640 --> 01:44:38,599 And, God, you just don't get a shoulder to cry on. 1547 01:44:39,880 --> 01:44:41,200 And, Jesus. 1548 01:44:42,240 --> 01:44:45,835 Grow up, for Christ's sake, and put some fucking clothes on. 1549 01:44:50,600 --> 01:44:53,399 Haven't you people heard of yin and yang, 1550 01:44:55,080 --> 01:44:56,878 love and hate, 1551 01:44:57,640 --> 01:44:59,358 attraction and repulsion? 1552 01:44:59,440 --> 01:45:02,876 It's the human condition we're talking about here. 1553 01:45:02,960 --> 01:45:05,520 Energy is pure delight. 1554 01:45:06,320 --> 01:45:09,597 Nothing is wrong and nothing is right. 1555 01:45:09,680 --> 01:45:12,672 And everything that lives is holy. 1556 01:45:14,600 --> 01:45:16,398 And, in conclusion, 1557 01:45:19,320 --> 01:45:20,799 fuck you. 1558 01:45:22,200 --> 01:45:23,793 Fuck you all! 1559 01:45:28,720 --> 01:45:32,236 Everything that lives 1560 01:45:32,320 --> 01:45:36,598 is holy. 1561 01:45:37,200 --> 01:45:40,192 Energy 1562 01:45:40,280 --> 01:45:45,036 is delight. 1563 01:45:45,840 --> 01:45:49,390 We stand together, 1564 01:45:49,480 --> 01:45:52,472 joined, 1565 01:45:52,560 --> 01:45:56,997 joined in might. 1566 01:45:57,080 --> 01:46:00,755 Energy is pure delight. 1567 01:46:00,840 --> 01:46:04,390 Nothing is wrong and nothing is right. 1568 01:46:04,480 --> 01:46:07,950 Energy is pure delight. 1569 01:46:08,040 --> 01:46:11,556 Nothing is wrong and nothing is right. 1570 01:46:11,640 --> 01:46:17,750 Let poets through the ages tell 1571 01:46:17,840 --> 01:46:22,073 how Springer united 1572 01:46:22,160 --> 01:46:27,838 heaven and hell. 1573 01:46:27,920 --> 01:46:29,638 What did I say? 1574 01:46:31,000 --> 01:46:35,836 This is his Jerry Springer moment. 1575 01:46:37,320 --> 01:46:42,110 Him don't want him moment to die. 1576 01:46:42,200 --> 01:46:43,679 Die, die, die, die. 1577 01:46:43,760 --> 01:46:47,071 So dip him in chocolate 1578 01:46:47,160 --> 01:46:50,232 and throw him to the lesbians. 1579 01:46:50,320 --> 01:46:57,192 Him don't want him moment to die. 1580 01:46:57,280 --> 01:47:02,912 This is his Jerry Springer moment. 1581 01:47:05,120 --> 01:47:11,833 Him don't want him moment to die. 1582 01:47:11,920 --> 01:47:15,390 So dip him in chocolate 1583 01:47:15,480 --> 01:47:19,792 and throw him to the lesbians. 1584 01:47:19,880 --> 01:47:23,157 Him don't want him moment 1585 01:47:23,240 --> 01:47:25,800 Him don't want him moment 1586 01:47:25,880 --> 01:47:27,109 Him don't want him 1587 01:47:27,200 --> 01:47:28,395 Him don't want him 1588 01:47:28,480 --> 01:47:30,994 Him don't, him don't, him don't, him don't... 1589 01:47:44,400 --> 01:47:46,118 Jerry, 1590 01:47:46,200 --> 01:47:48,396 it is finished. 1591 01:47:49,040 --> 01:47:50,360 Excuse me? 1592 01:47:50,440 --> 01:47:54,513 You're free. 1593 01:47:55,600 --> 01:47:57,113 Say what? 1594 01:47:57,720 --> 01:48:05,720 Free. 1595 01:48:09,320 --> 01:48:10,719 You know what, Baby Jane? 1596 01:48:12,960 --> 01:48:16,669 I like it here in hell. I think I'm gonna stay. 1597 01:48:16,760 --> 01:48:18,671 I'm not confused here. 1598 01:48:18,760 --> 01:48:22,549 For the first time, I'm not confused about anything any more. 1599 01:48:23,400 --> 01:48:25,994 Goodbye, 1600 01:48:26,080 --> 01:48:29,311 Jerry. 1601 01:48:43,000 --> 01:48:50,077 Jerry eleison. 1602 01:48:50,880 --> 01:48:57,957 Jerry eleison. 1603 01:48:58,400 --> 01:49:02,280 Jerry eleison. 1604 01:49:02,360 --> 01:49:05,716 Jerry eleison. 1605 01:49:06,280 --> 01:49:12,879 Eleison. 1606 01:49:15,000 --> 01:49:23,000 Eleison. 1607 01:49:28,560 --> 01:49:30,551 I've been shot. 1608 01:49:32,560 --> 01:49:34,198 I'm confused. 1609 01:49:35,800 --> 01:49:37,791 Why would I get shot? 1610 01:49:38,720 --> 01:49:41,917 Please don't die, 1611 01:49:43,120 --> 01:49:47,273 Jerry. 1612 01:49:47,360 --> 01:49:49,510 You shot me in the chest. 1613 01:49:51,600 --> 01:49:56,356 Why would you shoot me in the chest after everything I've achieved? 1614 01:49:57,200 --> 01:50:00,192 Please don't die, 1615 01:50:01,240 --> 01:50:04,710 Jerry. 1616 01:50:04,800 --> 01:50:07,918 Accidentally shot by a man in a diaper 1617 01:50:08,000 --> 01:50:11,231 trying to kill a member of the Ku Klux Klan. 1618 01:50:13,240 --> 01:50:16,392 Not exactly the epitaph I was hoping for. 1619 01:50:18,960 --> 01:50:21,110 Still, it might look good in Latin. 1620 01:50:21,800 --> 01:50:25,156 Who will speak for us? 1621 01:50:26,600 --> 01:50:31,629 - What do you mean? - When you are gone. 1622 01:50:33,200 --> 01:50:35,669 You've got lots of people out there. 1623 01:50:37,920 --> 01:50:39,957 You got Oprah Winfrey. 1624 01:50:40,040 --> 01:50:42,111 She's too tame. 1625 01:50:43,600 --> 01:50:46,240 Sally Jesse Raphael. 1626 01:50:46,320 --> 01:50:48,880 She's too old. 1627 01:50:51,000 --> 01:50:52,877 Dr Phil. 1628 01:50:52,960 --> 01:50:54,951 He's too shit. 1629 01:50:57,880 --> 01:50:59,678 Ricki Lake. 1630 01:51:03,840 --> 01:51:07,720 I guess she's OK. 1631 01:51:08,600 --> 01:51:10,591 Now, if you don't mind, 1632 01:51:12,640 --> 01:51:15,075 I think I'll try to get to a hospital. 1633 01:51:15,160 --> 01:51:19,154 Wait, Jerry. 1634 01:51:19,840 --> 01:51:24,755 Final thoughts. 1635 01:51:29,320 --> 01:51:31,516 Well, firstly, 1636 01:51:31,600 --> 01:51:34,194 I'd like to add my name to the list of celebrities 1637 01:51:34,280 --> 01:51:36,669 calling for tighter gun control. 1638 01:51:41,200 --> 01:51:44,670 Secondly, it's been a helluva day. 1639 01:51:45,880 --> 01:51:50,317 I've learned that there are no absolutes of good and evil 1640 01:51:52,600 --> 01:51:56,992 and that we all live in a glorious state of flux. 1641 01:51:58,000 --> 01:51:59,991 What can I say? 1642 01:52:01,400 --> 01:52:04,199 You're not looking at a dying man here. 1643 01:52:06,200 --> 01:52:08,191 You're looking at yourselves 1644 01:52:09,200 --> 01:52:12,795 in a matter of months or years or whatever. 1645 01:52:14,880 --> 01:52:16,996 And, for better or for worse, 1646 01:52:18,000 --> 01:52:21,197 history defines us by what we do 1647 01:52:22,920 --> 01:52:25,116 and what we choose not to do. 1648 01:52:27,280 --> 01:52:29,510 Hopefully, 1649 01:52:29,600 --> 01:52:32,718 what will survive of us is love. 1650 01:52:34,800 --> 01:52:37,189 So, until the next time, 1651 01:52:38,600 --> 01:52:40,910 take care of yourselves 1652 01:52:43,800 --> 01:52:45,598 and each other. 1653 01:52:52,320 --> 01:53:00,320 Ta... 1654 01:53:04,000 --> 01:53:10,076 Take care of yourselves 1655 01:53:10,160 --> 01:53:11,958 and each other, 1656 01:53:12,040 --> 01:53:13,678 and each other. 1657 01:53:13,760 --> 01:53:16,274 Take care 1658 01:53:16,360 --> 01:53:19,796 Take care of yourselves 1659 01:53:19,880 --> 01:53:21,598 and each other. 1660 01:53:21,680 --> 01:53:23,512 Take care of yourselves 1661 01:53:23,600 --> 01:53:25,398 and each other. 1662 01:53:25,480 --> 01:53:30,759 Take care of yourselves, 1663 01:53:30,840 --> 01:53:32,672 yourselves, 1664 01:53:32,760 --> 01:53:34,671 and each other, 1665 01:53:34,760 --> 01:53:36,671 and each other. 1666 01:53:36,760 --> 01:53:42,676 Take, take care of yourselves 1667 01:53:42,760 --> 01:53:44,433 and each other. 1668 01:53:44,520 --> 01:53:48,150 Take care of each other. 1669 01:53:48,240 --> 01:53:52,120 Take care of each other. 1670 01:53:52,200 --> 01:53:55,875 Take care of yourselves. 1671 01:53:55,960 --> 01:53:59,794 Take care of yourselves. 1672 01:53:59,880 --> 01:54:03,350 Take care of 1673 01:54:03,440 --> 01:54:05,397 Ta... 1674 01:54:09,000 --> 01:54:12,675 Each other. 1675 01:54:12,760 --> 01:54:16,469 Each other. 1676 01:54:16,560 --> 01:54:19,871 Each other. 1677 01:54:19,960 --> 01:54:23,669 Each other. 1678 01:54:23,760 --> 01:54:27,435 Each other. 1679 01:54:27,520 --> 01:54:31,195 Take care of yourselves and each other. 1680 01:54:31,280 --> 01:54:37,117 Take care of yourselves and each other. 1681 01:54:37,200 --> 01:54:41,592 Take... 1682 01:54:44,800 --> 01:54:51,115 It ain't easy being me. 1683 01:54:51,200 --> 01:54:56,798 It so ain't easy being me. 1684 01:54:57,600 --> 01:55:04,040 Billions of voices making all the wrong choices, 1685 01:55:04,120 --> 01:55:08,717 then turning round and blaming me. 1686 01:55:08,800 --> 01:55:10,950 I tell ya, 1687 01:55:11,040 --> 01:55:14,556 it ain't easy being... 1688 01:55:14,640 --> 01:55:20,238 Jer... 1689 01:55:24,400 --> 01:55:27,597 Jerry. 1690 01:55:29,600 --> 01:55:33,514 I've been seeing 1691 01:55:33,600 --> 01:55:38,390 someone else. 1692 01:55:40,400 --> 01:55:44,109 I've been seeing 1693 01:55:44,200 --> 01:55:47,716 someone 1694 01:55:47,800 --> 01:55:52,033 else. 1695 01:56:04,920 --> 01:56:07,799 It ain't easy 1696 01:56:08,800 --> 01:56:10,313 being me. 1697 01:56:12,480 --> 01:56:15,677 It so ain't easy 1698 01:56:17,360 --> 01:56:19,158 being me. 1699 01:56:20,920 --> 01:56:23,833 Billions of voices 1700 01:56:24,560 --> 01:56:27,791 making all the wrong choices, 1701 01:56:28,320 --> 01:56:30,311 then turning round 1702 01:56:31,320 --> 01:56:32,913 and blaming me. 1703 01:56:33,000 --> 01:56:34,149 - Me. - Me. 1704 01:56:34,240 --> 01:56:36,629 I tell ya, 1705 01:56:36,720 --> 01:56:40,236 it ain't easy being 1706 01:56:40,320 --> 01:56:46,669 me. 1707 01:56:46,760 --> 01:56:50,230 Momma gimme smack on the asshole. 1708 01:56:50,320 --> 01:56:52,960 Momma gimme smack every night. 1709 01:56:53,040 --> 01:56:55,953 Momma gimme smack on the asshole. 1710 01:56:56,040 --> 01:56:58,429 Everything will be alright. 1711 01:57:00,960 --> 01:57:02,553 Have yourselves a good time. 1712 01:57:05,760 --> 01:57:07,114 We just wanna dance. 1713 01:57:08,760 --> 01:57:10,319 We just wanna dance. 1714 01:57:11,800 --> 01:57:13,632 We just wanna dance. 1715 01:57:13,720 --> 01:57:16,599 We just wanna, we just wanna, we just wanna... 1716 01:57:16,680 --> 01:57:18,990 Talk to the hand. 1717 01:57:19,080 --> 01:57:21,151 Talk to the hand. 1718 01:57:21,240 --> 01:57:22,799 Talk to the hand. 1719 01:57:24,080 --> 01:57:25,354 Talk to the hand. 1720 01:57:25,440 --> 01:57:27,716 - Cos the face ain't listening. - Talk to the hand. 1721 01:57:27,800 --> 01:57:30,076 - Cos the face ain't listening. - Talk to the hand. 1722 01:57:30,160 --> 01:57:32,436 - Cos the face ain't listening. - Talk to the hand. 1723 01:57:32,520 --> 01:57:34,113 Cos the face ain't listening. 1724 01:57:34,200 --> 01:57:36,271 I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. 1725 01:57:36,360 --> 01:57:38,590 I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. 1726 01:57:38,680 --> 01:57:41,035 - Talk to the hand. - Cos the face ain't listening. 1727 01:57:41,120 --> 01:57:43,873 - Talk to the hand. - Cos the face ain't listening. 1728 01:57:43,960 --> 01:57:47,112 - Talk to the hand. - Cos the face ain't listening. 1729 01:57:48,760 --> 01:57:50,239 Talk 1730 01:57:51,360 --> 01:57:53,033 to the 1731 01:57:53,640 --> 01:57:55,392 Talk to the 1732 01:57:56,360 --> 01:57:58,829 ha-a-and! 1733 01:57:58,920 --> 01:58:00,240 Talk 1734 01:58:01,240 --> 01:58:02,833 to the 1735 01:58:04,120 --> 01:58:05,713 Talk to the 1736 01:58:06,800 --> 01:58:08,677 hand. 1737 01:58:21,720 --> 01:58:24,234 What the fuck? What the fuck? 1738 01:58:24,320 --> 01:58:27,039 What the fucking, fucking fuck? 1739 01:58:27,120 --> 01:58:29,555 What the fuck? What the fuck? 1740 01:58:29,640 --> 01:58:32,029 What the fucking, fucking fuck? 1741 01:58:32,120 --> 01:58:34,396 What the fuck? What the fuck? 1742 01:58:34,480 --> 01:58:36,994 Three-nippled cousin-fucker. 1743 01:58:37,080 --> 01:58:39,833 What the fuck? What the fuck? 1744 01:58:39,920 --> 01:58:43,231 - Three-nippled cousin-fucker. - What the fuck? 1745 01:58:43,320 --> 01:58:45,960 Three-nippled cousin-fucker. 1746 01:58:46,040 --> 01:58:48,190 Three-nippled cousin-fucker. 1747 01:58:48,280 --> 01:58:50,396 Three-nippled cousin-fucker. 1748 01:58:50,480 --> 01:58:52,437 Three-nippled cousin-fucker. 1749 01:58:52,520 --> 01:58:54,033 What the fuck? What the fuck? 1750 01:58:54,120 --> 01:58:56,031 Three-nippled cousin-fucker. 1751 01:58:56,120 --> 01:58:59,511 - What the fuck? What the fuck? - Three-nippled cousin-fucker. 1752 01:58:59,600 --> 01:59:01,113 - What the fuck? - Three-nippled. 1753 01:59:01,200 --> 01:59:02,679 - What the fuck? - Cousin-fucker. 1754 01:59:02,760 --> 01:59:04,034 What the fuck? What the fuck? 1755 01:59:04,120 --> 01:59:05,633 What the fuck? What the fuck? 1756 01:59:05,720 --> 01:59:07,119 - We just wanna dance. - What? 1757 01:59:07,200 --> 01:59:08,520 - We just wanna dance. - What? 1758 01:59:08,600 --> 01:59:11,672 - We just, we just... - We just wanna fucking dance. 1759 01:59:11,760 --> 01:59:16,231 This is our Jerry Springer moment. 1760 01:59:17,440 --> 01:59:20,239 We don't want this moment 1761 01:59:20,320 --> 01:59:22,231 to die, die, die. 1762 01:59:22,320 --> 01:59:23,640 Die. D-D-Die. 1763 01:59:23,720 --> 01:59:25,233 Dip us, 1764 01:59:25,320 --> 01:59:28,119 why don't you dip us in chocolate? 1765 01:59:28,200 --> 01:59:29,554 Ch-Ch-Ch-Chocolate. 1766 01:59:29,640 --> 01:59:35,113 - Throw us to the lesbians. - Lesbians. 1767 01:59:35,200 --> 01:59:36,190 Whoo! 1768 01:59:36,280 --> 01:59:40,399 We don't want this moment, 1769 01:59:40,480 --> 01:59:43,472 moment, moment, 1770 01:59:43,560 --> 01:59:46,678 moment, moment, 1771 01:59:46,760 --> 01:59:49,673 moment, moment, 1772 01:59:49,760 --> 01:59:50,955 moment, 1773 01:59:51,040 --> 01:59:54,396 moment 1774 01:59:54,480 --> 01:59:58,951 to 1775 01:59:59,040 --> 02:00:02,032 die. 115658