Original subtitles

[dramatic music]

[electricity zapping] - [grunting]

♪♪ ♪♪

[electricity zapping] LAURA: Come on, bud.

You don't slither into Delaware from the Plorble Realm

to hang out in the Hamboni's parking lot, okay?

[electricity zapping] - [yelping]

- Why are you here? What's your plan?

[electricity zapping]

More? Okay.

[chain saw buzzing]

- Spit it out, you goblin fuck.

- Ladies' night!

I'm finally getting you out of the house

and into The Coconut Hole--

frozen fireballs served by bulging hunks in tight shorts.

- Yeah, change of plans, Darlene.

I got my hands full right now.

Bastards like this keep showing up.

I think they're drawn to Chrissy or something.

- Uh-uh, no more living like you're in witness protection.

You promised tonight's the night.

Chrissy's at her dad's for the weekend.

- Which means I actually have a night to myself,

and I'd rather not spend it surrounded by

spray-tanned lemmings drinking daiquiris

until their Cialis kicks in.

- Listen, I get it.

After my first marriage ended,

I was terrified to get back out there, leave the house.

- I'm not scared. I have a routine and I like it.

DARLENE: I'd make up excuses: "Gotta fix a leaky pipe."

"I have syphilis." - This is not an excuse.

I don't have time to dick around with dicks.

- But then Tia Saltzman

forced me out onto the dance floor,

and a phoenix Darlene rose from the goddamn ashes.

- Aah! I'll go out if you just stop talking, okay, Darlene?

DARLENE: Yes! - You, don't get cozy.

I'm coming back for your ass.

Okay, one drink, though. - Watch out, Middletown.

It's Laura and Darlene's big night out!

Title sequence. - [sighs]

LAURA: [groans]

[dark music]

♪♪ ♪♪

- And then at 10:00 p. m., they sound a bullhorn,

and the first one up the tiki pole

gets a bowl of Everclear poured in their mouth.

Aren't you glad you came out?

- There are two separate men

masturbating in two separate corners.

- Ooh, cutie at five o'clock. Hot tip: take his compliment.

Then tease with a spicy little secret about yourself.

- Hi. Your soul is gorgeous.

- Thank you.

You should see the scar from the vaginal tear I had

when birthing my daughter.

- [whimpers, groans]

- Jeez, that was some sweet meat you just burnt.

Maybe put some sugar in it next time.

- There won't be a next time. I'm out.

- What? we just got here.

- I did what you asked and what I told you I'd do.

If I stay any longer, I will kill someone.

- But you haven't even seen

the Kahlúa Crab Canoe yet. [air horn blows]

- Yeah, close me out before I repaint

the bathroom walls with my brain.

Hurry it up, asshole. Need the fuck outta here.

EVERETT: Surely someone with your disposition

would know a place with a motto

"Have a Hula-va good time" would be a living disease.

- And surely you're perceptive enough to know

hitting on me is a dead end.

- I'm here merely as a social observer,

soaking in the waning sexual rhythms

of these septuagenarians for my latest novella.

- Uh-huh.

So how long have you been a serial killer?

- I'm--what?

- The fishing line marks on your hands,

binocular indents around your eyes,

minor abrasions on your forearm and cheekbone.

Last one put up a fight?

And either you're Forrest Gump, or...

[inhales sharply] Ooh, yup, that's a billy club.

- Two Marys, extra bloody.

Who are you?

- I'm just a single girl looking for a fun night out.

Let me get that. - No, no, it's on me.

- Okay. [laughs]

Ketamine, really?

You trying to murder me or disappoint me?

Mama's got the antidote, though.

- Dog piss aftertaste... tromaxadam?

[chuckles] Who are you, my psychiatrist?

- What's more obvious is the needle up your sleeve.

You'll never stick me before I fry your balls.

[Taser crackles]

- Everett. - Laura. Tell you what.

I'll let you stab me once to stroke your ego.

- A single thrust is all I'll need.

LITTLE BOY PUPPET: ♪♪ They say my dad the devil ♪♪

♪♪ Is a real evil fellow ♪♪

♪♪ But that's just a bucket of lies ♪♪

BIG STRONG MAN PUPPET: ♪♪ Thanks, my little angel ♪♪

♪♪ You see the other angle ♪♪

♪♪ I want what's best for you and mankind ♪♪

LITTLE BOY PUPPET: ♪♪ I'm the Antichrist ♪♪

♪♪ And I'll sign the pact ♪♪

♪♪ Because I love my dad ♪♪

♪♪ Let's make a contract ♪♪ SATAN: [laughs]

BIG STRONG MAN PUPPET: In fact, we can start right now.

SATAN: What a production!

PUPPETS: Maximus Dawnus, here we come!

LITTLE BOY PUPPET: I love you, Dad.

- Boo!

CHRISSY: Excuse me. SATAN: Pardon me, pardon me.

- [whistles] Hey, cabbie!

- Get out of the way! - [grunts]

- I thought you were into it. - Really?

You thought I'd be into a puppet propaganda show

all about signing your pact?

- You got me there. Playwright lacked subtlety.

- [scoffs] I'm going home.

- Home? Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't go.

- I wanted to spend quality time with you,

but obviously that's impossible, so...

- Aw, come on. - Yeah, I have friends to see,

homework to do,

Great British Bake Off to binge.

- Give me one more shot.

You think this was all I had planned today?

Oh, no, I got a whole afternoon mapped out.

You're gonna crap your pants, you're gonna love it so much.

Come on, baby.

[dark dance music playing]

LAURA: Smaller than I imagined.

- I wanna make you wet with your own blood.

- I'm gonna open you up and see how hard your bones are.

- Laura? You decided to stay!

You and your cutie wanna head to 'Rokey in a bit?

- Let's take this someplace private.

- Oh, getting right to it. Okay.

Kind of a 180, but do your thing, girl.

Get that big old bass.

LAURA: [grunting]

- Nice and tight.

- [chuckles] I've been pulled tighter.

[both grunt]

LAURA: [grunts]

EVERETT: I know we just met, but...

LAURA: [chuckles]

EVERETT: What do you say we go all the way?

- Wow, and that's just the tip, huh?

[intense music]

[groans]

- Oh, my God, I killed a man.

- Darlene, why did you do that?

- Well, I was saving you Single White Female style.

- I wasn't in trouble. I was totally fine.

I was doing a thing. - Thing? What kind of thing?

He was about to chop you up.

- Yeah, that's what serial killers do,

but I was gonna kill him eventually.

- I brought you out to get you away

from torturing monsters in dark garages.

And here you are in a dark alley with another monster?

- Oh, you're one to judge.

You lure innocent Instacart shoppers

into your house with candy and cheese plates.

- How I please those Instacart shoppers

is a gift for everyone involved,

and I want you to experience that fun in your life.

- No offense, Darlene, but you don't know what I need, okay?

[casts spell]

- Okay, I'm actually great at picking up on what people need.

I'm an Aries.

LAURA: Well, I need you to guard the entrance

so I can clean up this mess and head home.

Stay here, and don't move.

[bird shrieks]

DARLENE: Laur, I'm gonna be blunt.

I've read enough Brené Brown

to spot a self-saboteur when I see one.

- Darlene, what the hell?

I told you to watch the door.

Liquesco is a fragile

and extremely powerful compound, okay?

It can open fissures to hidden corners of the Earth,

but if any type of liquid touches it--

- [slurring] This looks like as good a place as any

to urinate.

- No! Motherfu--

- Ew. Ugh.

How much longer is this gonna be?

You couldn't have just, like,

blammo'd to us to wherever we're going?

- You'd think they'd have a better system by now,

but the only way to travel to other realms

on this plane of existence is public transportation.

- We're going to another realm?

- The Metaphysical Realm is just one of a shit ton

across the Demicorporeal Plane.

Imagine this whole place as a shopping mall

and the realms are like the stores in it.

The one we're going to is like Hot Topic

but with fornication and genocide.

CONDUCTOR: Next stop: Wibby Turkle Realm.

Wibby Turkle, next stop.

- I used to come here when it was a genuine piece of shit.

Now it's a tourist trap.

SELLER: Get your Choochie tchotchkes.

Get your Choochie tchotchkes. SATAN: Don't worry.

I got us the VIP treatment.

CREATURE: Welcome.

CHRISSY: [gasping]

NYMPH: [giggles]

[flatulence] SATAN: Mmm.

CHRISSY: Ugh!

NYMPH: [giggles] Ooh!

- Whoa, do I get to keep this?

I weirdly like it.

You wanna give me a hint of what we're doing here?

- Let's just say it's not a puppet show.

[laughs]

[cheers and applause] ANNOUNCER: Welcome once again

to the number one game show in all the realms,

the only show that killing is legally required:

the Realm of Realms,

presented by Roach Automobiles.

- What did you get us into?

- You wanted you and me time.

- No, like lunch or something, not kill or be killed.

- Chillax, we're not gonna bond over a sandwich.

Trust me on this one.

ANNOUNCER: And now your outstanding host

and executive producer of everything Wibby Turkle,

the ruler who will fuck, marry, and kill you,

the one and only Queen Inichoochiama!

CROWD: Choochie, Choochie,

Choochie, Choochie!

INICHOOCHIAMA: [laughs]

Hello, hello, hello,

all of my stupid-ass Choochie babies.

Can I ask you something?

CROWD: Yes, you can!

- What do you want more than anything in all the realms?

CROWD: We wanna fuck a corpse.

- I can't hear you.

CROWD: We wanna fuck a corpse!

- [laughs]

I've got a heck of a show for you tonight, babies.

We have two very special vermin.

Once an exterminator on our show,

the baddest boy in town, and one of my faves,

welcome Satan.

[fireworks popping]

[cheers and applause]

- How you doin', Chooch?

- Well, now that you're here,

I'd be lying if I didn't say wet.

- Eww! - And he's joined

by his adorable half-human daughter,

Cringey Christ.

- It's Chrissy! And Feinberg.

- They'll be facing off against our exterminators,

the most powerful and sociopathic creatures

from all corners of the realms.

Will our vermin survive, or will they go bye-bye?

[laughs]

Let the games begin!

[both scream]

- Ugh! What is this, an open mic night?

- The queen produces the most craven torture chambers.

Ah, she's amazing.

CHRISSY: Anyone got earplugs? I hate this song.

CREATURE: [sings last note]

- Up next is the improv troupe

The Whoopee Cushions, doing a six-hour set.

- Holy shit, this is awful.

- Can we get a song lyric from the audience?

- [roars]

- [yelps]

[dark music]

And...scene.

- [roars] ANNOUNCER: Here comes Typhon.

Remember, if it bleeds, he can kill it.

- If you think a death match is how I wanna bond,

you really don't know me at all.

- Your human conditioning has kept you

from tapping into the real you.

This will help you let go.

- No, this is child endangerment.

You messed up, Dad.

- You're with an all-powerful being, honey.

Don't worry. Trust your instincts.

- [screams] ANNOUNCER: Check, please.

Don't forget to rip your bartender.

- What? This is your best move as an all-powerful being?

Suck my ass, old man!

- [roars] CHRISSY: [shrieks]

ANNOUNCER: Someone get a breath mint.

- Whoa!

- See, endangerment has its benefits.

CHRISSY: [yells]

[dramatic music]

♪♪ ♪♪

SATAN: Daddy-daughter killing time.

- That wasn't so bad. - Only 23 to go.

- 23? Okay, fine.

Let's do it.

- You son of a...

biiiitch!

- So is this, like, your, uh, home away from home?

- These are hidden pockets on Earth

that most people have no clue exist,

and this is my little pocket, okay?

[sighs] For junk.

Shit, I used up the extra Liquesco.

Okay, plan B.

- Gotta admit, more skeletons

than I was expecting to see tonight.

- They were all pieces of shit.

All right, can you shut up for a second?

You got us stuck in this place.

I need to focus on getting us out.

- I think the real issue is you have this place to begin with.

- We can't all rosé the day away.

It's called self-preservation.

- You know, Laur, one of these days,

your stinger's gonna sting you right back.

- This is a guy I used to torture.

Don't say anything to him, all right?

- Mum's the word.

[banging]

[objects clattering]

- Oh-ho-ho, Laura!

My favorite person in all the realms.

- Jesus Christ, I wish you were dead.

- [laughs]

Oh, you said the same thing last week.

- Last week? - Darlene, Jimmy.

Jimmy, Darlene. - A pleasure.

Did Chrissy like that summer scarf I made her?

It's hard to find breathable materials.

- I threw it away, asshole.

You and your shit are worthless.

Now, give me the cape chisel,

or I'll hang you with your own nose again.

- [laughs] Of course. I use it as a tea stirrer.

- Oh, go fuck yourself.

Now I just need five milligrams of goofer dust.

- You tortured him? He seems so nice.

I wanna pinch his cheeks, maybe pet his snorkel.

That's not a sex thing, is it?

- Don't, Darlene. - Ugh, who am I kidding?

I'm down either way.

- Don't even talk to him. In fact--

Oh, shit! Shit, it's a goofer dust gust.

I-I just--I gotta get in there, all right?

Don't move. Stay there.

[grunting]

- Ah! Where are my manners?

Come on in.

Let me get you some Erberribble. [chuckles]

Sorry, that's what we call urine-rehydrated bone powder.

- Mm...fine, but I'm-- I'm not allowed to talk.

LAURA: Oh! Whoa!

WORKER: The DMV windows...

SATAN: [grunts] - Dad, heads up!

- Oh, oh. NEPHILIM: [growls]

CHRISSY: Don't worry, I got you, Pops.

SATAN: Chrissy, get in here!

CHRISSY: Hey, Dad, stab me.

- Oh, thanks! [grunts]

- [roars]

- I hope he was an organ donor.

- He just got a license to die.

- Shit just got real...ID.

- [laughs] That's the one to beat.

- Man, I really do feel this whole new connection to myself.

It's like--

- Beyond human comprehension?

- Yes, totally. [screams]

- Ooh, my Choochies.

Our contestants have savagely murdered

every exterminator who's crossed their path.

Now, for their final challenge,

an audience member will choose the exterminator

our competitors must face.

So, Brad, who do you pick?

- Queen, I choose the Manananggal.

- [gasps] BRAD: I wanna see Satan

have a serious challenge,

and I also love her cookbook, Cooking with Carcasses.

SATAN: Gorgeous.

- [shrieks] CHRISSY: She's a fucking bat!

Shit! Dad!

- [yells]

[shrieking]

[exciting music]

- And I'm just winging it. SATAN: Ow!

- You okay, Daddio?

- Oh, yeah, it's like wrestling.

Gotta play to the audience.

Pop's still on top. [yelps]

But scoot over here and blaze this son of a bitch!

♪♪ ♪♪

ANNOUNCER: That's hot. [laughs]

Oh, it's sizzling.

- Wow, I haven't seen anyone do something like that since...

me. - What was that?

- You're tapping into the core of your powers.

They're not just a tool you can use.

They are you.

This is a taste of what it's like to be all-powerful.

- Whoo! Tastes pretty damn good.

- Imagine how good it would feel

to do this together all the time.

[cheers and applause]

We won, baby.

INICHOOCHIAMA: I should have known.

- Chooch, honey, what's happening?

- I knew something was wrong from the moment the show began.

The Satan I knew could slay a thousand enemies

while taking a shit.

I know why you're here, and I won't let it happen.

- What? Wh-what's she talking about?

[fingers snap] - Don't listen to her, honey.

CROWD: [gasps]

- Wait, you can be hurt?

- He's been losing power for a long time now,

and the only way for him to reclaim it is through you.

- That's insane, Chrissy, and completely untrue.

INICHOOCHIAMA: Think about it.

You carried him this whole show.

He desperately needs you.

SATAN: She's lyin'.

She's been out to get me ever since I stopped

coming on her show and schtupped her mother.

- Ha! Classic Satan: minimizing a powerful woman

by calling her jealous and out for revenge.

No one wins my game,

especially if you fucked my mom.

CROWD: [booing]

- If you wanna prove to your daughter

you have the power...

[fingers snap] You must beat me.

CHRISSY: Get me out of here!

[grunts]

- Come on,

why are you really doing this, Chooch?

- You know how it goes: the bigger the death,

the higher the ratings, the sweeter the--

- The sweeter the pussy, yeah.

- Release the Choochie Coochies!

- So how do you know Laura?

- Oh, well, we're neighbors,

and I was hoping we'd be besties soon,

but it's a work in progress.

- That's great to hear.

Sometimes I worry about her,

everything she's been through and all,

the whole Satan thing... - Mm.

- Her childhood being no picnic, you know?

At her quinceañera, the Titi Suzie cake debacle.

- She tells you a lot, huh?

- Deep down, Laura's a good person

and just wants to connect.

[sighs] I wish I were as good as her.

- Oh, Jimmy, you are.

You're such a kind, good snorkel monster.

- You...

[with deeper voice] You think so?

- Oh, my God, you kidding me?

You got a great personality, a house,

what seems to be a job,

and if the schnoz matches the schmeckle,

I'll call you the whole package.

Uh-oh!

- Aah! Oh, damn it, Darlene!

- [roars]

LAURA: I said leave it to me. DARLENE: Oh!

- Ego monsters are triggered by compliments.

DARLENE: Ego monster? - When I catch you,

I'll turn you both into trophies,

because I'm a winner!

- It would have helped

if you actually communicated that to me.

- Fuck yourself, you ugly elephant asshole!

What good would that have done?

I communicated I didn't wanna go out tonight.

I communicated to watch the door,

and you didn't listen.

- You speak in fragments.

It's never enough info.

LAURA: [shouts] DARLENE: Oh, God.

And I brought you out tonight because sometimes

friends gotta force friends to do things

they don't wanna do for their mental health.

- I missed deliberately!

I hated that part of the ground!

I am so cool!

- This is exactly why I don't have friends.

I know what works for me.

- This has been working for you?

You'd rather deal with monsters

instead of having drinks with me?

- At least I'd get a word in

instead of being steamrolled by some delusional optimist.

- Oh, I think he's getting tired.

We're gonna be okay. Oh! - What?

- [roars] - Oh, never mind.

LAURA: "Oh, never mind." Shut up, Darlene.

- Chrissy, she's trying to divide us.

We stick together, we're fine.

So break outta that bubble and come help Daddy.

Chrissy!

- I don't know why I let myself believe you again.

I'm such an idiot.

You care more about this pact than your own daughter.

- Not true. - Do you even like me?

- Of course I do. - What's my middle name?

- Girl Satan? - What?

- I don't fucking know.

Okay, fine. All right.

I brought you here under false pretenses,

but I do care.

- No, if you did, you wouldn't have put me

through all this shit.

You are so goddamn selfish.

Why can't you just be honest with me?

- Okay, okay. The queen is right.

I have lost a little power.

When you were born, part of myself transferred to you.

I just want to make it so no one can hurt us, honey.

- Looks like the baddest boy has become the saddest boy.

How you like that, TV land?

- Uh, is this part of the show?

- Oh, I know you're impressed,

because this is objectively impressive.

- This is why your husband left you.

- Ugh, typical Laura.

I'm sure your husband misses you.

- Oh, Jesus, Darlene,

you need to kill his confidence, or we die.

- Guess being toxic isn't as easy for me

as it is for you.

- Looking at your face just jump-started my menopause.

Yeah, I'm toxic, okay?

Maybe I'm drawn to dark shit because deep down,

I think I'm too screwed up for anything better.

- [whimpering]

Uh...snorkel monster? More like--

more like dorkel monster.

- Okay, I'm shocked that one worked.

- Listen, I know I come off as the perky neighbor type,

but I can handle fucked up.

- I don't think you can handle this fucked up.

Whoa!

Your children never call because they hate you!

DARLENE: I only laughed at your jokes to make you feel better.

[whimpers]

[both yell]

- I'm blasting us out of here with this goofer dust bomb.

Start slinging insults.

- Laura trapping you here is a gift to the world.

My therapist told me everyone has something to live for.

Clearly she's never met you.

I'd tell you to kill yourself, but I'd feel bad for the knife!

- Holy shit, Darlene, maybe you can handle this fucked up.

- Yeah, I can, babe.

- Come on, goofer dust, do your stuff!

- Hit the gas! - Hold on, baby!

- Hey, Jimmy, stick this up your small snorkel dick.

[laughs] LAURA: Whoo!

- Thanks for all the constructive criticism.

Have a good one, pals.

- And this is the alleged Princess of Darkness

who is supposed to bring upon Maximus Dawnus?

[laughs] Look at this,

poor little bubble girl can't even pop a bubble.

CROWD: Death to Satan.

- It's going to be fun to watch you watch him...

die. - [sobbing]

INICHOOCHIAMA: [laughs wickedly]

- [crying]

[laughs]

[dramatic music]

[laughter echoing]

♪♪ ♪♪

[shrieks]

INICHOOCHIAMA: Ah, yes!

CHRISSY: [panting]

[sighs]

- Hot diggity dog!

That went better than I thought it would.

Folks are gonna lose their shit.

You're a natural.

- Huh? SATAN: Well, this was

kind of like your debutante ball, you know,

to introduce your savagery to all the realms.

- But you almost died.

- Meh, nah, I wasn't gonna actually die.

I-I just wanted you to reach your full potential,

and you did.

- If that's true, that is so fucked up.

- You're one to talk.

I'm not the one who obliterated an entire arena.

You should feel proud.

Maybe we get some waffles to celebrate or--

You good?

- No, I'm not good.

I need a break.

And if you wanna be my father,

you need to be honest from the start.

If not, I'm done.

- Ow. [inhales sharply]

[tender music]

- Hey, thanks for getting me out of the house tonight.

- That's what girlfriends do for each other.

- Yeah, yeah, I guess so.

- Been a long time since I pulled an all-nighter.

- I'm still kind of wired. You wanna go--

- To an underground casino that uses Jell-O shots

as chips and get in a fistfight?

- I was thinking more like a diner.

- Oh, the place on Elm serves drinks late,

and the waiters all look like Patrick Swayze in Road House.

- Darlene, you dirty old rascal.

- [laughs] - Oh, wait, hold up.

[creature snarls, bones crunching]

Sorry, I just had to kill that goblin.

- Oh, yeah, that thing. - Yeah.

SINGER: ♪♪ Looking from a window above ♪♪

♪♪ It's like a story of love ♪♪

[Yazoo's "Only You"]

♪♪ Can you hear me? ♪♪

♪♪ Came back only yesterday ♪♪

♪♪ You're moving farther away ♪♪

♪♪ Want you near me ♪♪

♪♪ All I needed was the love you gave ♪♪

[heartbeat thumping]

[thumping quickens]

[suspenseful music]

♪♪ ♪♪

[bird shrieks] - You failed us!

WIFE: You have no job, no dick.

Get out.

- No!

[distorted] No!

I know what I have to do.

- Hold up, what? - Yup.

I'm gonna kill the girl who shot my dick off.

- Wow, so you no longer want

to kill the Antichrist to save the world?

- Nope.

I just wanna get her back for getting my dick shot off.

- You know, we've been friends since we were in college,

and you've always been the guy who...

BOTH: Purged the world of demonic forces.

- Yeah, that's changed.

I don't know if you ever got your dick shot off,

but it narrows your scope.

- I like this for you. It's refreshingly simple.

- Thanks, Tony.

Well, I should probably head out.

[slurps] I've got a little girl to kill.

♪♪ ♪♪

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