All language subtitles for Home.Economics.S02E19.720p.WEB.x265-MiNX

- Chapter 26.

Tom's 40th birthday
was approaching,

and he was hoping his family
would let it pass quietly.

- Lordy, Lordy,
my boy is almost 40.

Here it is, Tommy. Middle age.

- All right, well, thank you
for the reminder, Dad.

- Yeah, I'm just sorry
I'm gonna be the only one

in town for your big day.

You know, your mom wishes
she could be here.

- Yeah, well, I'd hate for her
to turn down a role in a...

over-60 production of "Grease."
- Yeah.

- Besides, she knows
I don't like to make a big deal

about my birthday.
- Tom, but this is 40.

You think they made
a whole movie with that title

for no reason?
You gotta do something.

- I am doing something.
I'm working.

This is the deadline
that I gave myself

to turn in my novel.

- Oh, you got to admire
the commitment.

I mean, I wish I'd given
my little stories a shot,

but, uh, nobody wants to read
that stuff.

- Hey, I love
"The Marshall Chronicles."

An old cop who doesn't play
by the rules?

Dad, the world is ready.

- Yeah,
there's still time for you

and Detective
Marshall Strongwood.

I always tell my students

Mark Twain was 41 when
he published "Tom Sawyer."

- Same age as Bradley Cooper
when he did "Aloha."

- Great flick.

- Good point.

- Marina, can I borrow
your giant snack platter thing

that you never use?
- Which one?

Whenever I go to Target,
I buy another.

I don't know why.
It's like I black out.

- Well, uh, we're having Simon,

the personal trainer
slash potential donor, over.

- Ooh.
I know I just met him briefly,

but I would pick him
as a sperm donor

for his calves alone.

- You guys, are we really
gonna let Tom's 40th go by

without doing anything big?

- You know Tom
and birthday parties.

No, I'm just keeping it simple,
like he wants it.

Just dinner at Gianno's.

- You guys go there
for chicken Parm,

like, once a week.
- Yeah.

When it's your birthday,
they do double cheese.

- Okay.
- What is it with Tom

and birthday parties?

Well...

- When Tom was 11,

he had a party
at Showbuzz PizzaTown.

But before
the animatronic gorilla

could rap
"Booyah, It's Your B-Day,"

Connor pantsed Tom.

To the skin.
- Oh, that's bad.

- I didn't mean
to do full pants.

Look, let me fix this, okay?

I'll throw Tom a party so sick,

he'll forget about
the pizza trauma

and love birthdays again.

Is that a yes or...
- Oh, I'm sorry.

When you guys, uh,
start telling family stories,

I just kind of zone out.

- I get that.

- Don't you need to get
to your class?

- Just finishing up.

- So you're almost done
with your book?

That's great.
- Yeah, well,

I'm almost done writing it,

but then I have
to do a grammar pass

and a semicolon pass.

I gotta make sure all
the quotation marks are the...

You know, the...
- Curly ones?

- Yeah, that I like.

Plus, I also gotta figure out...

what your fictional name
is gonna be.

Is it Carmen?

Is it, ooh, Celinda?

- First of all, there's no way
in hell I'm a Celinda.

Second of all,
sounds like you might be

avoiding turning this in.
- Uh, yeah.

Of course I'm avoiding it.

After my last book tanked,

I put everything into this one.

Honestly,
it's the most personal thing

I've ever written.

If this one flops too, I mean...

I don't know, maybe that's it
for me as a writer.

Then what do I have?

- I don't know,
I would say a beautiful wife.

Three wonderful children.

- Yeah, but what else?

Hmm.

- Guess that's it.

- Yeah.
- Well, we tried.

- Hey, came to get that platter.

I need one that tells our donor,

"I'm the ideal vessel
for your DNA."

- Hi, Denise. Bye, Denise.

Love you, Isabella?
Fernanda? Paulina?

- Love you, bye.

Not Fernanda.

- Is Tom okay?

Seemed like he didn't
know your name just then.

- Oh, he's just going through
something.

The book and his career
and turning 40.

- Right, that's a lot.

Have you settled on a gift?

- A "Ghostbusters" Funko Pop!

- Okay.

I think we can beat that.

- I doubt it. It's Annie Potts.

- You know,
I think I have an idea

that'll make Tom lose his mind.

- I'm listening.

- Boudoir photos.

- Oh, pfft.

I'm being serious.

I took some sexy photos
for Sarah

and made a page-a-day calendar.

365 days of Denise.

There were some repeats.

- I don't know,
I don't feel sexy.

I just had twins, like,
six minutes ago.

And some stranger taking
pictures of my business?

- Okay, well,
I'll take your pictures.

We've tried on bikinis
for, like, five hours

in the Billabong outlet.

I've seen your business.

- And you... you've watched me
giving birth.

- Yeah, yeah, that's a video
I never need to see again.

- Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.

Had to perform
a little semicolon-oscopy.

Writer's joke, but I don't have
to tell you guys.

You get it.

But, uh, today,
you're gonna be reading

your stories
in front of the class.

I hope everyone's ready.

- Oh, I can't wait, Teach.

What's happening?

- Greetings,
my name is Marshall.

Uh, last name not important.

I'm a retired gentleman
visiting this town,

and I signed up
to audit this class.

- What? Why? What?

- Well, I was recently inspired
to pursue the writing arts,

and I'm hoping
to get the ole juices flowing.

Okay.

Uh, can I see you
in the hallway for a second,

new student?

What's happening?

- Well, after you mentioned
Mark Twain and Bradley Cooper,

I dusted off
"The Marshall Chronicles,"

called the admissions office.

Can you believe I'm gonna be
in your class?

- No, I can't believe it.

Seems like a very...
not good idea.

- Oh.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Tom.

I... guess you're right.

I'm just an old man
with a dumb dream, and...

I'm leaving.

- Dad, come here.
You can... you can stay, okay?

It's just a couple days.

But fair warning,
these kids can be harsh.

- Oh, I can take it.

Hey, and I'll call you
Professor like everybody else.

- Nobody does that.

- Well, they should.

I'll get it started.

Great advice, Professor.

- Finally settled
on a theme for the party.

Tom's Sssmokin' 40th.

Got Guy Fieri's brisket
and cigar restaurant

to do the food, and for DJs,

I got the Chainsmoker
who actually does something.

Alexa, remind me to call
my walk-in vape closet guy.

- When should I remind you?
- Never.

- Okay.
- Alexa,

remind me to tell Sarah
she's a killjoy.

- When should I remind you?

- How 'bout in 60 seconds?

- Okay,
I'll remind you in one minute.

- What's your deal?
It's gonna be a great party.

- Yeah, a party
that's not meant for Tom.

- Why?
'Cause of the asthma thing?

- Yeah.
- Sarah,

we both know
that's just in his head.

- No, it's not.

Do you really think that?

No, it's in his lungs.

And he said no fuss, okay?

You're gonna throw him
a smoke-filled rager?

- Okay, no smoke. Smoke's out.

Alexa, take dry ice
off my shopping list.

- I've checked off dry ice
from your shopping list.

- Compromises.
- Great.

And I'm sure whatever
you do next will be perfect.

- Thank you.

- Conner, here is your reminder.

Tell Sarah she's a killjoy.

- Oh.

- Alexa doesn't know

we're in a different place now.

- Ready.

I put something on
I bet Tom will love.

- You got something hot
under that robe?

- No, I was talking
about the robe.

Terry cloth
really gets him going.

- Okay, Marina,
this isn't just for Tom.

This is for you...
- Right.

- To own your sexuality,

to feel your power.

- Yes. Yeah.

All right, let's do this.

- There she is.

Okay, so for music,
what sounds sexy to you?

Some D'Angelo? Some TLC?

- What about, uh,
the "Grey's Anatomy" theme?

- Are you serious?
- I know.

- I've already got it up
on my queue.

- Aw, stop!
- Yes.

Ooh, good.

Wow, that is good.

Yeah, take those slippers off.

You don't need them.
You don't need no socks.

Bite it.
Your floors are squeaky-clean.

Who cares?

Oh, my gosh, so ticklish.

It's so silly.

She's having a great time.

Where'd she go?

Hey, come back.
Oh, there she is.

Peekaboo.

Who's this blonde lady?

Where'd she come from?

Yes.

Aye, aye, Captain.

I want you
20,000 leagues under me.

I think we got it.
- Wow.

Denise, you have a gift.
- So do you.

Look at that heinie.

- Now all you have to do
is print 'em out.

- Wait a second.
I think we can go further.

Let me try something.

- Okay.

Oh, you're not gonna...

You are gonna.

Okay, yeah.

- As Marshall Strongwood
steered the fan boat

through the swamp air,
he brushed the velvet neck

of the beautiful but mature
crawdad fisherwoman,

and he knew...

he was home.

- Okay, thank you for that,
Marshall.

- Professor, I named the main
character after myself.

- Yeah, no. No, I got that.

So, uh,
before I open up the floor

for feedback,
just like to remind everyone

to keep the criticism
constructive, okay?

- I'll go first.

Chills.

Chills.

- Oh, okay, uh, we're all fans

Bayou Heat"?

- Loved it,
and I have a button on my bag

that says "Abolish the police."

- I never thought hearing about

someone Rob Lowe's age
having sex would be hot.

But it was.

- Wow.
- Okay, we don't have

to applaud for every...

Guys, we just don't have
to applaud for every student.

Okay, who's up next?

- I asked, "What vegan cheeses
do you have?"

And she said, "Cashew,"
and I said, "Bless you."

And she laughed so hard.

- Sarah, I'm dead.

Like, you guys are so great.

- You're so great.

You know, when Denise said,
"Oh, I found this guy

at the park who likes
to give away his sperm,"

I was concerned, but yay.

- Well, I'm so glad.

Obviously, I have a few
questions before we move ahead.

- Okay, sure.

- Just basics, like background,

lifestyle, extracurriculars.

- Extracurriculars?
- Yeah, yeah.

I have to know what kind of life

I'd be helping to create.

Well, can't just run around
making kids with whomever,

right?
- Oh, right.

Of course. I get that.

- The last couple I donated to
were opera singers,

which was great for me.

I'm a huge Puccini freak.

- Oh.
- So are we.

We have season tickets.

Yeah, Puccini, Rossini.

All the "inis"
all the time over here.

- All the time.

- Thank you for letting me use
your fancy printer.

- No prob.
- I've got this, uh...

This important
work presentation.

- Sounds good.
Hey, can I run something by you

for Tom's birthday party?

- Oh, yeah.

- Okay, so, um, I know a guy
who knows a guy

who knows will.i.am.

- Nope.
- Okay.

Cool. Great feedback, thank you.

- Oh, you're bad.

"The Alabaster Killer's trail
had gone cold

as day-old gumbo"?

- Hey-o.

- Oh, my God.

Marshall.

Sounds like you got a chunk
of the next chapteroo

I'm taking to Tom's class.

- I will put your page
right there.

- Okay, thank you.
- Yes, thank you.

- You want to know
what languages we speak.

Well, uh,
that makes total sense.

Basically English.

- And Korean.
- No way.

My boyfriend was born in Busan.

- Was he?
- Oh.

- Well, tell him I said...

- Nice, I will tell him
to put on his dancing shoes.

Pretty good. Being multilingual

is a huge plus for me.

Uh, do you guys travel?
- Well, last summer,

the kids dragged us
to Six Flags.

- Flaags, yeah.

Flaags being the,
uh, rating system

for Finnish ski hotels,
so a six-flaag hotel

would be a really good one.
- Yep.

- Wow, you guys are so worldly.

I... well, um, I need...
- Yes.

To go use the, uh...

Which, of course,
Denise knows is the...

- Butcher shop.
- Bathroom.

- Bathroom.
- But when I get back,

we have to talk skiing.

- Have to.
- Of course.

- Of course.
- The guest bath

is down the hall to the left.

- Oh, awesome.

Guest bath?
That is our only bath.

Why are you lying,
and how do you know Korean?

- It's from a K-pop song
Shamiah loves.

I'm sorry, I panicked.

I just wanted to impress him,
but I'll stop.

- Yeah.
- Wow, I love your hand towels.

- They were a gift
from the governor.

I'm sorry.

- Don't let this ruin
your birthday.

Your dad is only sitting in
for a week, and besides,

college kids don't know
anything about good writing.

- You're right.
That's why I'm gonna read

some of my novel today.

Show 'em what good writing
really is.

- There you go.

And remember,
the most important thing is...

Ooh, Denise is calling.

Call you back.
- Wait, what... what...

What were you gonna say?
- So how'd they turn out?

- They're so good.

I am so hot.

I'm not sure about
the Yoda ears, though.

- Go crazy your husband will.

- Oh, wait a second.

Um, I'm missing one
of the pictures.

- Which one?
- Um, the one.

The Full Marina?

- I...

I must've left it
in Connor's office

when I ran out because, um...

'cause Marshall was there.

He was printing out a chapter
to read in Tom's class.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God!

- "As they danced
to the steel drum music,

"Tim realized
they had pulled it off

"by upholding
the most important tradition

Turning Thanksgiving

into their special day
of fighting."

That's from an upcoming novel
by a contemporary of mine.

Might not have
a 70-year-old judo expert

punching alligators,
but hopefully you guys found it

a little more... I don't know,
literary.

Thoughts?

- Yeah, I just didn't relate
to any of the characters.

- Huh, okay.

Uh, any... any of them?

- I guess Colin's okay,

but is he supposed
to be, like, a suave tech guy

or a huge doofus?

I honestly can't tell.

- And that sister,
I mean, is that

how the author thinks
feminists talk?

- No, I know the author.

He's a feminist. He's an ally.

But Tara can just be so Tara.

Trust me, she's a lot.

- She's the worst.

- No way.

Hands down, it's Tim.

- Oh, well.

What's wrong with Tom... with Tim?

What's wrong with Tim?
- Where do I even start?

I mean, like, he's out of touch.

- Uh-huh.
- Unlikable.

- Uh-huh.
- And I'm sorry,

but I just don't buy
that a grown man

can't get the lid off a jar
of salsa.

- He can.
- I mean...

He can, it's just,
his wife knows the trick

to do it faster.
- Well, Professor,

I found Marvin,
the dad character,

to be pretty groovy.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. He was great.

- You should tell your friend

to write a book about him
instead.

- Well, I can't. He's dead.

So moving on, uh,
have you guys had a chance

to read "The Bell Jar"?

No? No one. Okay, fantastic.

- This time, I got it.

Who's Tom's favorite author?

- Kurt Vonnegut.
- What?

Thought it was Dean Koontz.

Great,
now I gotta cancel his flight.

- Are you sure that you don't
need help with this party?

Because we are kinda
down to the wire here.

- No, I'm the one who ruined

his big birthday
at Showbuzz PizzaTown.

It's gotta be me.

- Con, that was, like,
three decades ago.

It's time to put PizzaTown
behind us.

- You're right.

That's the only way.

I gotta go.
- Oh, all right.

- Lulu, Simon just texted.

We impressed him, and he's in.

- Oh, that's great.

But, um,
wasn't he impressed by fake us?

- I don't think we were fake.

- You invited him
to our Napa cottage,

which does not exist.

- So I let a few stories
get out of hand.

- Mm.
- But he's the perfect donor.

I didn't want to lose him.

- Yeah, no. Me neither.

But if we have to lie about
who we are to make this work,

then is he really perfect
for us?

- I guess not.

You really believed
you're an Olympic fencer.

- Hey, Tom? Tommy?

I thought what you read
was dynamite.

And that character of Tim,
that guy's the real deal.

- Well, I think you're
in the minority, Dad.

But thank you.
I gotta get going.

- Oh... oh...

Love ya.

Aw, shoot.

- Oh, no. Am I too late?
Is Tom gone?

- You just missed him.
- Oh.

- He's very upset, Marina.

- Oh, no. This is a nightmare.

- The class was not ready
for that.

- Ah.
- Art is subjective,

but those kids were so mean.

- Mean?
You mean they didn't like it?

- I'm surprised, too, 'cause it
was right up my alley.

- Ah!
- I said to Tom,

"Look, Tommy, buddy,
this is great.

You got something so special
here."

- No! No, stop.

- Yeah.
- Can I, uh,

just have my photo back, please?

- Photo?
- You know.

The Full Marina.

What?

- Oh, oh. Did... did you not...

Did you not read your chapter
to the class?

- Uh, no, because after Tom
read some of his book,

I didn't think
it was a good idea.

What?

- It's not here.
- What's not here?

- Nothing, just I am so glad

that there is nothing
inappropriate in that.

- Au contraire,
I think you'll find

that Detective Strongwood's
lovemaking

with the lady police chief
is pretty graphic.

Page 11 to 26.

No?
- I gotta go.

- Uh, thank you so much
for meeting with us.

- Oh, well, thanks
for the Peanut Butter Blast.

Although you didn't have
to peanut butter me up.

I already said
I'd be your donor.

- Well, we wanted
to clear something up first.

When you asked us
about our extracurriculars,

we may have extra-exaggerated.

- Lied. We lied.

- Oh.
- We just were nervous

that we weren't gonna measure
up to your sperm standards.

We've never been to the Alps.

- Yeah, we don't own property.

We don't even have
two bathrooms.

If you're noticing a theme here,

it's because those things
require money,

which we don't have much of;
that's kind of how

we got here in the first place.

- Wow. Uh, okay.
- Yeah.

- Uh, well,
but thanks for coming clean.

But it doesn't matter to me
if you have money or not.

I mean, all that matters is,

you care about being
good parents.

- Really?
- Yeah.

So the offer stands.

Simon.

That is such a relief.
- Yeah.

Now we don't have to keep lying
to you about everything.

Exactly.

Wait, who are you, NASA?

Ooh.

Yeah, oh, oh.

Wait, what?

- Come on, you don't actually
believe we went to the moon.

- You're still laughing,
so it's unclear

if you're being serious or not.

- Uh, I'm as serious
as the Earth is flat.

Humans can't survive in space.

I've done my own research.

- You know, we have to go.

- Our Napa cottage is on fire.
- Yeah.

Whoops.

That's crazy.

We just got an alert, so bye.

- That was exactly

the low-key double-cheese
chicken-Parm birthday

that I wanted.
Thank you so much.

Let's get the kids from Lupe.
- Wait, wait.

First I... I have a gift.

- I'm sorry
you had a tough week.

Maybe this will cheer you up.

- Come on, I thought we said n...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

- Yeah.

- Oh, my God, is this you?

I mean... I mean,
I know this is you, but...

- I know, I was surprised too.

Do you like it?

Tom?
- What? No.

Yeah, oh, my God. No, I love it.

I love it.
Oh, and the robe that I like.

Oh, Marina, this is
the most incredible gift

that I've ever received.

- Oh, well, there's more.

- More than this?
- Last night

after you went to bed,

I stayed up reading your book.

- Oh.
- Honey, it's the best thing

you've ever written.

- You don't have to say that.
- No, it's true.

You know I didn't like
"Jeremiah's Plan."

- Yeah,
you have said that a lot.

- Yeah. No, this new one,

it's... it's honest.

It's funny.

It's relatable. It's...

Who cares what
these college kids thought?

The book is incredible.

- Well, not as incredible
as these photos.

Oh, my God, the pirate one.
Okay.

- Yeah.
- Let's get those kids

and get you home right now.

- Well...
- What?

Surprise!

- Oh, my God.

- It's the party
of your childhood dreams.

Welcome to Showbuzz PizzaTown.

- This is unbelievab...

Is that the real thing?

- Yep, it's an original
Burt Silverbackarach.

Poor guy's been sitting
in a warehouse for 20 years,

but I think he's still got
the Showbuzz magic.

- Gorillas should not wear
people clothes.

- Connor worked really hard
on this.

- All by himself.

- Happy birthday, Tom.

Oh, my God.

- Yeah, we had nothing
to do with this.

- He can play all the hits
from 1993.

And that's about it, so I hope
you're cool with that.

- I'm more than cool with it.

Thank you, brother.

- Ready, ready?
- Go, Burt.

It's my birthday.

- Oh.

- You're bad. You're bad.
- So close.

- You're not close.
It wasn't close.

Daddy?

- Don't look in his eyes.

Just don't look into his eyes.

- They said it rarely does this.

That's a lot of smoke.
Go, go, go, go.

Go, go, go. Get down, get down.

Get down!
- This is what happens

when you play God.

Oh, well.

Gonna be tough to part ways
with my boy Burt here,

but he's my gift to you.

- Oh, no. He belongs here.

You're his family.
- No, Tom.

I insist.

- No, he won't fit in my car.

Also, he's...

terrifying.

- Oh.
- Ooh.

- Doesn't seem right.
- That's all you, bud.

- I found that birthday card
you left here.

For Tom?
It got stuck in the printer.

- Oh, the birthday card for Tom.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yes.

Thank you, Lupe. Thank you.

- Ooh, cool,
we signing a card for Tom?

- Right on, man.
- No, no, no!