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1
00:00:11,545 --> 00:00:14,214
- What can I say?
2
00:00:14,248 --> 00:00:16,049
The nightclub has really
taken off recently.
3
00:00:16,083 --> 00:00:18,318
Nadja's has become the hot spot
4
00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:21,088
for the tri-state area
vampire community.
5
00:00:21,121 --> 00:00:22,656
And I, its queen.
6
00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:25,292
Most of the vampires lining up
won't get in
7
00:00:25,325 --> 00:00:27,094
due to general ugliness. Move!
8
00:00:27,127 --> 00:00:29,396
Okay, you two in the denim
capes, it ain't happening.
9
00:00:29,429 --> 00:00:31,498
Fly back to New Jersey.
10
00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:34,735
This place has
even started attracting human celebrities,
11
00:00:34,768 --> 00:00:36,770
which is really great
for business.
12
00:00:36,803 --> 00:00:38,138
There's three of them now.
13
00:00:38,172 --> 00:00:39,573
Sofia, you stupid bitch,
14
00:00:39,606 --> 00:00:41,675
when are you gonna put me
in one of your movies?
15
00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:44,077
I want to show the camera
my bling ring.
16
00:00:44,111 --> 00:00:45,445
Hey, Colin really is
17
00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:47,080
performing tonight, right?
18
00:00:47,114 --> 00:00:48,415
We are very excited, man.
19
00:00:48,448 --> 00:00:50,250
We've been hearing
about him for weeks.
20
00:00:50,284 --> 00:00:52,519
Colin is going to be on stage
in three minutes.
21
00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:54,021
Great, that kid is incredible.
22
00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:55,522
More than a star,
he's a phenomenon.
23
00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:58,192
He does have a certain
je ne sais quoi.
24
00:01:02,763 --> 00:01:04,698
He must have brain scrambles.
That was utter gibberish.
25
00:01:04,731 --> 00:01:06,533
- Can I just ask you,
26
00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:10,070
what's the "Celebrity Special,"
and is it really $5,000?
27
00:01:10,103 --> 00:01:13,207
Oh, the Celebrity Special!
28
00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:14,575
Something you're interested in?
29
00:01:14,608 --> 00:01:16,243
- Yes, very much.
- Yes, please. - Jim?
30
00:01:16,276 --> 00:01:17,778
Oh, not for me.
We're shooting in the morning.
31
00:01:17,811 --> 00:01:19,580
And, really, I don't make
that kind of money.
32
00:01:19,613 --> 00:01:23,483
Oh. Celebrity Special
for two, anyone?
33
00:01:23,517 --> 00:01:25,586
- Okay, uh...
34
00:01:25,619 --> 00:01:26,386
You two, over here.
35
00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:29,122
May I present for you
36
00:01:29,156 --> 00:01:31,625
the Celebrity Special?
37
00:01:31,658 --> 00:01:33,227
It's to die for.
38
00:01:36,363 --> 00:01:37,598
Oh, shit, that looks so real.
39
00:01:37,631 --> 00:01:39,466
It's so much more fun
40
00:01:39,499 --> 00:01:42,035
when the celebrities actually
ask for it themselves.
41
00:01:42,069 --> 00:01:43,170
He's empty.
42
00:01:43,203 --> 00:01:45,439
Come on, you guys.
You are really good.
43
00:01:45,472 --> 00:01:46,640
That is amazing.
44
00:01:46,673 --> 00:01:49,142
-: Do the head.
- That's right.
45
00:01:49,176 --> 00:01:52,012
- Do the head...
46
00:01:53,146 --> 00:01:55,148
: I could never
afford a gag like this.
47
00:01:55,182 --> 00:01:56,750
That's amazing.
48
00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:59,319
We're so glad you're enjoying
the show, Jim.
49
00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:35,489
- Over here!
50
00:02:35,522 --> 00:02:37,391
- Sofia? - NADJA:
You think that the celebrities
51
00:02:37,424 --> 00:02:39,293
would have caught on by now,
but I have got Chloë Sevigny
52
00:02:39,326 --> 00:02:41,061
and Tiki Barber booked
for tomorrow night,
53
00:02:41,094 --> 00:02:43,463
and the great Fran Lebowitz
on Thursday.
54
00:02:43,497 --> 00:02:45,566
She says what
we're all thinking.
55
00:02:45,599 --> 00:02:49,203
Okay, time for my little
moneymaker, Baby Colin.
56
00:02:49,236 --> 00:02:51,104
Let's get on with the show.
57
00:02:51,138 --> 00:02:52,239
Now, where is he?
58
00:02:54,775 --> 00:02:57,411
Are you fucking kidding me?
59
00:02:57,444 --> 00:02:59,713
What do you mean that
Baby Colin is not performing?
60
00:02:59,746 --> 00:03:01,782
He goes on every night
at 3:00 a. m.!
61
00:03:01,815 --> 00:03:04,351
I know, my darling,
but things have changed.
62
00:03:04,384 --> 00:03:06,587
The nightclub
is extraordinarily successful,
63
00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:10,190
and we both know why, so his
contract must reflect that.
64
00:03:10,224 --> 00:03:12,359
- He doesn't have a contract.
- Au contraire.
65
00:03:12,392 --> 00:03:14,595
- I drew one up this morning.
66
00:03:16,463 --> 00:03:19,433
So, full disclosure,
67
00:03:19,466 --> 00:03:21,735
:
I met someone.
68
00:03:21,768 --> 00:03:24,304
Well, a while back, when
I was in England with Nadja,
69
00:03:24,338 --> 00:03:26,406
there was this guy, Freddie,
70
00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:29,109
and yeah, we just had
this whirlwind romance.
71
00:03:29,142 --> 00:03:31,111
Ever since I've been back here
we've been FaceTiming,
72
00:03:31,144 --> 00:03:32,746
like, all the time.
73
00:03:32,779 --> 00:03:35,315
And now, he's coming
to New York for the weekend.
74
00:03:35,349 --> 00:03:37,084
- See you soon.
-: Okay, besos.
75
00:03:37,117 --> 00:03:39,586
Which is super exciting
and super terrifying,
76
00:03:39,620 --> 00:03:42,189
:
because he's the first person
77
00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:46,226
that I've ever really
dated dated, you know?
78
00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:47,794
I'm gonna pick him up
at the airport,
79
00:03:47,828 --> 00:03:50,297
and we're gonna spend
the whole weekend in the city,
80
00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:52,633
- just Freddie and I and...
81
00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:55,469
Oh, sorry. Sorry, guys.
I'll be back.
82
00:03:57,037 --> 00:04:00,007
- Surprise.
- Oh. Freddie.
83
00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:01,175
My flight got in early.
84
00:04:01,208 --> 00:04:03,076
Oh, my God, look at your face.
85
00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:05,679
-"Look at my face." Oh, wow.
- Aww.
86
00:04:05,712 --> 00:04:07,181
Who-who are these guys?
87
00:04:07,214 --> 00:04:08,315
It's a, uh, a documentary crew.
88
00:04:08,348 --> 00:04:09,650
How did you find my place?
89
00:04:09,683 --> 00:04:11,485
Oh, return address
of the post you sent me.
90
00:04:11,518 --> 00:04:14,254
Sorry, the "mail" you sent me.
Oh, my God, you Americans.
91
00:04:14,288 --> 00:04:16,123
- Guillermo?
92
00:04:16,156 --> 00:04:18,325
Oh. That is very kind of you,
93
00:04:18,358 --> 00:04:20,327
but I'm not hungry right now.
94
00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:25,098
Number one,
95
00:04:25,132 --> 00:04:28,101
"Nightclub staff will not
make direct eye contact
96
00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:29,603
with Colin unless they are
giving him a gift."
97
00:04:29,636 --> 00:04:31,538
- Hey, Nadja, guess what?
98
00:04:31,572 --> 00:04:33,407
- What?
- Chicken butt.
99
00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:36,109
- Ugh.
- Okay, number two, uh,
100
00:04:36,143 --> 00:04:37,778
"We also require a merch table,
101
00:04:37,811 --> 00:04:40,414
"where we will sell
Colin's new compact disc..."
102
00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:43,050
Call Me Colin:
An Hour of Singsongs
103
00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:45,752
and Laugh-'Em-Ups
for the Whole Famn Damily.
104
00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:48,388
- Are you gonna sign it?
- Of course not!
105
00:04:48,422 --> 00:04:49,623
My darling,
if it wasn't for this boy,
106
00:04:49,656 --> 00:04:51,124
your club would be
as dead as disco.
107
00:04:51,158 --> 00:04:52,726
- And guess what?
- What?
108
00:04:52,759 --> 00:04:55,495
All I want is to sing and dance
and make people smile.
109
00:04:55,529 --> 00:04:57,798
I don't even really care about
all this contract baloney.
110
00:04:57,831 --> 00:05:00,200
No, no, no, no. He doesn't
know what he's saying.
111
00:05:00,234 --> 00:05:01,502
So, do have we a deal?
112
00:05:01,535 --> 00:05:04,438
Um, let me just have a little
think, uh, mull it over.
113
00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:08,242
- All right.
- What is this made of?
114
00:05:08,275 --> 00:05:10,611
Fuck no!
Do you think that my club
115
00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:13,680
needs this little weird
ventriloquist tap-dancing freak?
116
00:05:13,714 --> 00:05:16,183
- Hey.
- But he is our main attraction.
117
00:05:16,216 --> 00:05:18,252
I could replace him in a second.
118
00:05:18,285 --> 00:05:19,720
Well, good luck with that.
119
00:05:19,753 --> 00:05:21,221
I've had the owner
of the hottest vampire nightclub
120
00:05:21,255 --> 00:05:22,689
on the phone to me
day and night,
121
00:05:22,723 --> 00:05:24,157
and he's not the only one.
122
00:05:24,191 --> 00:05:25,759
So you're actually
going to leave?
123
00:05:25,792 --> 00:05:28,028
Looks that way, doesn't it?
Come on, boy.
124
00:05:28,061 --> 00:05:30,564
Let's take your talents upstate.
125
00:05:30,597 --> 00:05:32,599
Albany and Binghamton,
to be more precise, but...
126
00:05:32,633 --> 00:05:34,668
- got to start somewhere.
127
00:05:36,303 --> 00:05:38,438
Wow, this place
is like a museum.
128
00:05:38,472 --> 00:05:40,274
I-I can't believe this
is your house, Guillermo.
129
00:05:40,307 --> 00:05:42,042
Well, it's actually
not my house.
130
00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:43,410
I just help take care of Nandor.
131
00:05:43,443 --> 00:05:44,678
How'd you never mention that?
132
00:05:44,711 --> 00:05:46,547
I-I thought you worked
at the U. N.
133
00:05:46,580 --> 00:05:47,714
Don't be silly.
134
00:05:47,748 --> 00:05:50,517
Guillermo does not work
at the U and N.
135
00:05:50,551 --> 00:05:52,152
:
He forgets a lot of things.
136
00:05:52,186 --> 00:05:54,354
His mind doesn't work
the way it used to, so...
137
00:05:54,388 --> 00:05:58,025
- I volunteer on my days off.
- Aw, you're so sweet.
138
00:05:58,058 --> 00:05:59,660
- Guillermo.
- Hmm.
139
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:02,529
Why did you not tell me you had
a friend coming to visit?
140
00:06:02,563 --> 00:06:04,198
- Friends...
- Oh, we're, uh, we're a little bit
141
00:06:04,231 --> 00:06:05,566
more than friends, actually.
142
00:06:05,599 --> 00:06:08,168
Oh, I see.
143
00:06:08,202 --> 00:06:10,504
- Best friends.
- No, uh...
144
00:06:11,305 --> 00:06:13,674
He's my boyfriend.
145
00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:15,542
Oh.
146
00:06:15,576 --> 00:06:19,046
- Oh, wow.
147
00:06:19,079 --> 00:06:22,149
And I'm sorry I didn't
mention that earlier.
148
00:06:22,182 --> 00:06:23,116
This is fantastic news.
149
00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:24,251
- Right?
- Good.
150
00:06:24,284 --> 00:06:26,053
And a long time coming.
151
00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:28,121
- Oh.
- He has been very lonely.
152
00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:29,556
- Oh.
- Extremely lonely.
153
00:06:29,590 --> 00:06:31,158
- Not that lonely.
- Pretty lonely.
154
00:06:31,191 --> 00:06:32,492
Not that lonely.
155
00:06:32,526 --> 00:06:34,061
Very pathetic. Really lonely.
156
00:06:34,094 --> 00:06:37,130
Thank you, Nandor,
that is very interesting.
157
00:06:37,164 --> 00:06:39,800
And can I just reiterate
that your home is beautiful?
158
00:06:39,833 --> 00:06:42,603
I-I mean, this tapestry,
is this Turkish in origin?
159
00:06:42,636 --> 00:06:44,404
- Y-Yes.
Yes... - Around the 15th century, this one here?
160
00:06:44,438 --> 00:06:45,739
Freddie's actually
a junior associate
161
00:06:45,772 --> 00:06:47,174
at an auction house in London.
162
00:06:47,207 --> 00:06:49,042
He's kind of an art buff.
163
00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:51,144
-: No.
- Very good eye.
164
00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:54,548
I disemboweled many villagers
to get this tapestry.
165
00:06:54,581 --> 00:06:56,083
: We're thinking
of upping his medicine dose
166
00:06:56,116 --> 00:06:57,484
-'cause...
167
00:06:57,518 --> 00:07:00,187
I would love to hear more
of your stories, Nandor.
168
00:07:00,220 --> 00:07:02,055
I'm just so glad
to have a new buddy.
169
00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:05,058
Oh, that's me.
170
00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:06,326
I am the buddy.
171
00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:08,462
This, uh, this place
is pretty dusty, though.
172
00:07:08,495 --> 00:07:10,497
I'd tell you to get a Roomba
in here, but, uh,
173
00:07:10,531 --> 00:07:12,432
- I think it might kill itself.
174
00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:15,269
- I couldn't resist.
175
00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:18,238
I don't know what any of that
means, but I love it.
176
00:07:18,272 --> 00:07:20,374
Okay. Such long teeth.
177
00:07:20,407 --> 00:07:23,110
It's a genetic disorder
in the family.
178
00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:25,212
And, uh, if you ever need anyone
to help you look after
179
00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:27,014
any of these treasures,
180
00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:29,283
- promise you'll give me
a call, eh? - Oh.
181
00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:31,585
So nice to meet you.
What a, what a pleasure.
182
00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:33,120
- I'll see you very soon.
- Yes.
183
00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:34,254
- All right.
- Hopefully.
184
00:07:34,288 --> 00:07:36,290
- Bye-bye.
- Sorry about that...
185
00:07:36,323 --> 00:07:38,158
- That's okay.
186
00:07:46,266 --> 00:07:47,701
I cannot sleep.
187
00:07:47,734 --> 00:07:49,570
My mind has been seized
by thoughts
188
00:07:49,603 --> 00:07:52,372
of a very special person.
189
00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:55,375
A person by the name of...
190
00:07:55,409 --> 00:07:56,443
Freddie.
191
00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:58,312
Ever since he and Guillermo
192
00:07:58,345 --> 00:08:01,415
left for the hotel,
Freddie's charm
193
00:08:01,448 --> 00:08:05,519
and sweet, supportive nature
have echoed in my mind.
194
00:08:05,552 --> 00:08:07,454
He touched my arm.
195
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:10,157
Also, things have grown
a little stale
196
00:08:10,190 --> 00:08:12,025
with my beloved Marwa.
197
00:08:12,059 --> 00:08:14,161
Are you, um...
198
00:08:14,194 --> 00:08:17,431
enjoying sitting in that chair?
199
00:08:17,464 --> 00:08:20,501
Yes. Hmm.
200
00:08:22,102 --> 00:08:24,037
And yours is good?
201
00:08:24,071 --> 00:08:26,507
Yes, uh...
202
00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:30,377
It was a little bit hard,
so I put a cushion on it.
203
00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:32,546
- Wonderful.
- Yes.
204
00:08:32,579 --> 00:08:35,082
NANDOR (sighs):
Fuck, she's boring.
205
00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:37,217
But marriage is sacred to me.
206
00:08:37,251 --> 00:08:40,187
I never once cheated
on any of my 37 wives,
207
00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:42,256
and I'm not about to start now.
208
00:08:42,289 --> 00:08:45,592
Could I steal Freddie
from Guillermo?
209
00:08:45,626 --> 00:08:46,760
Of course.
210
00:08:46,793 --> 00:08:48,228
But that would be cruel.
211
00:08:48,262 --> 00:08:51,765
And also, you know,
sloppy seconds.
212
00:08:51,798 --> 00:08:53,100
If only...
213
00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:55,102
Excuse me for a moment.
214
00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:58,238
: I'm not sure
if this is possible,
215
00:08:58,272 --> 00:09:00,507
but I wish for Marwa
to be transformed
216
00:09:00,541 --> 00:09:05,078
into an exact copy
of this person: Freddie.
217
00:09:05,112 --> 00:09:07,681
Appearance, personality, everything.
218
00:09:07,714 --> 00:09:09,783
- Why are you whispering?
- Because Marwa is someone
219
00:09:09,816 --> 00:09:11,618
that I love very much,
220
00:09:11,652 --> 00:09:13,153
and I don't want her to hear
that I'm about to change her
221
00:09:13,187 --> 00:09:15,355
into a completely
different person.
222
00:09:16,156 --> 00:09:18,192
As you wish.
223
00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:23,730
Marwa?
224
00:09:27,334 --> 00:09:29,002
Hello.
225
00:09:29,036 --> 00:09:31,371
Hi, there. I'm Freddie.
226
00:09:31,405 --> 00:09:33,106
- Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
227
00:09:33,140 --> 00:09:34,341
Boy, this place is pretty dusty.
228
00:09:34,374 --> 00:09:35,676
I'd tell you to get
a Roomba in here,
229
00:09:35,709 --> 00:09:37,377
but I think
it might kill itself.
230
00:09:37,411 --> 00:09:39,680
- Sorry, I couldn't resist.
231
00:09:42,182 --> 00:09:43,383
Freddie.
232
00:09:45,319 --> 00:09:47,154
Our star performer's departure
233
00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:49,656
could not come at a worse time
for Mistress Nadja.
234
00:09:49,690 --> 00:09:52,192
I'm actually a little worried
about her.
235
00:09:52,226 --> 00:09:54,228
There's so much pressure
running a nightclub,
236
00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:57,064
and she's been consuming
a massive amount
237
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:58,298
of liquor blood.
238
00:09:58,332 --> 00:09:59,733
Are you talking shit about me?
239
00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:02,002
- No.
- Hey, I love you like a sister, baby,
240
00:10:02,035 --> 00:10:04,538
you know it, but even--
if you even think
241
00:10:04,571 --> 00:10:08,008
about damaging my brand,
I will cut you in two!
242
00:10:09,376 --> 00:10:10,744
Okay!
243
00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:13,714
- Lazzo, guess what?
- What?
244
00:10:13,747 --> 00:10:17,084
I can't believe I'm on the road,
on my own tour bus.
245
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:19,419
Now, this one maybe
isn't as nice as the one
246
00:10:19,453 --> 00:10:22,055
in Cameron Crowe's
turn-of-the-century masterpiece
247
00:10:22,089 --> 00:10:25,259
- Almost Famous, but it...
- We've got to work our way to the top, boy.
248
00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:26,793
We got to strike out on tour.
249
00:10:26,827 --> 00:10:29,496
It's how all the best
vampire acts started.
250
00:10:29,530 --> 00:10:32,065
Gloria Estefang. Bloody Holly.
251
00:10:32,099 --> 00:10:34,134
Bat Stevens. Batboy Slim.
252
00:10:34,168 --> 00:10:36,703
Hall & Throats. Tame Impaler.
253
00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:38,605
The Undead Kennedys.
254
00:10:41,675 --> 00:10:43,210
Freshly drained blood
255
00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:45,112
of a drunk human celebrity.
256
00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:47,781
Just a little something
to keep Mama sharp.
257
00:10:47,814 --> 00:10:51,518
Rest in peace,
Sofia Copp-Coppola.
258
00:10:51,552 --> 00:10:55,022
Let us get on with it.
Bring on the first little freak!
259
00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:57,090
Well, first
we have Jack Metcalf.
260
00:10:57,124 --> 00:10:59,560
He is repped
by Christie Marx Management.
261
00:10:59,593 --> 00:11:02,563
He is four feet
and two inches high.
262
00:11:07,034 --> 00:11:09,369
Flat! Flat!
263
00:11:09,403 --> 00:11:12,005
You don't have the range, babe.
264
00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:13,707
Get off my stage. Next!
265
00:11:13,740 --> 00:11:17,211
Peter Doskin, repped
by Grandpa and Grandma.
266
00:11:17,244 --> 00:11:19,112
Chrysanthemum.
267
00:11:19,146 --> 00:11:20,447
C-H-R-Y-S-A...
268
00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:23,217
Why are you not stuffed
in a locker somewhere?
269
00:11:23,250 --> 00:11:26,687
Your bullies are not doing
a good enough job.
270
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:28,055
Next!
271
00:11:38,498 --> 00:11:40,734
Right, well, that's enough,
you freeloading deadbeats.
272
00:11:40,767 --> 00:11:43,070
If you want to watch,
then you've got to pay. Come on.
273
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,442
Ugh.
274
00:11:49,476 --> 00:11:51,678
No, no, no.
275
00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:54,515
No.
276
00:11:54,548 --> 00:11:56,049
Okay.
277
00:11:56,083 --> 00:11:57,551
I'm coming. Stop it.
278
00:11:57,584 --> 00:11:59,786
Okay, stop tapping.
Watch and learn, bitch.
279
00:12:03,624 --> 00:12:06,326
- Auditions are over.
280
00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:08,328
No, it's going well.
That was the finale.
281
00:12:08,362 --> 00:12:10,130
Ta-da!
282
00:12:17,604 --> 00:12:19,573
- Thank you. Thank you so much.
283
00:12:19,606 --> 00:12:22,442
Aw.
284
00:12:22,476 --> 00:12:25,078
I even let him make a list
of all the things
285
00:12:25,112 --> 00:12:27,247
he's always wanted
to do in New York City.
286
00:12:27,281 --> 00:12:30,751
I'm having the
best time with my Freddie.
287
00:12:32,786 --> 00:12:34,721
He has written a list of things
288
00:12:34,755 --> 00:12:36,790
he would like to do
in New York City,
289
00:12:36,823 --> 00:12:39,459
and now we are doing
those things.
290
00:12:39,493 --> 00:12:42,095
- Is-is it your turn
next? I-I think-- - No.
291
00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:44,064
- Oh, my God!
292
00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:45,465
:
Wow.
293
00:12:45,499 --> 00:12:48,168
Hey! Hey!
294
00:12:48,202 --> 00:12:50,037
:
Oh, wow!
295
00:12:50,070 --> 00:12:52,039
- Wait, wait.
- Oh, okay. All right.
296
00:12:52,072 --> 00:12:54,041
- Come around.
297
00:12:59,646 --> 00:13:01,181
So, this weekend has
298
00:13:01,215 --> 00:13:02,616
made me realize
that I really need
299
00:13:02,649 --> 00:13:04,451
- a life outside of work.
-: Yeah.
300
00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:07,054
I felt like I literally kept
seeing Nandor everywhere--
301
00:13:07,087 --> 00:13:08,722
which is ridiculous--
302
00:13:08,755 --> 00:13:11,458
because that's how much space
he occupies in my mind.
303
00:13:11,491 --> 00:13:13,060
- Anyways, we're not talking about Nandor.
- No.
304
00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:14,394
- Let's go get some cheesecake.
- Okay.
305
00:13:14,428 --> 00:13:16,196
- Hello.
306
00:13:16,230 --> 00:13:18,365
Well, last night's
auditions were a mess.
307
00:13:18,398 --> 00:13:20,133
And then I realized,
308
00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:23,070
why am I even trying to find
another child performer?
309
00:13:23,103 --> 00:13:24,204
Fuck them kids.
310
00:13:24,238 --> 00:13:28,442
This is a scary,
sexy nightclub for adults.
311
00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:32,746
So I decided to call
Le Cirque Érotique.
312
00:13:32,779 --> 00:13:38,085
Le Cirque Érotique
is a legendary consortium
313
00:13:38,118 --> 00:13:40,787
of sophisticated
and deeply carnal
314
00:13:40,821 --> 00:13:43,524
vampire circus performers.
315
00:13:43,557 --> 00:13:45,325
Some of the most thrilling,
obscene spectacles
316
00:13:45,359 --> 00:13:47,394
known to vampires.
317
00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:49,363
They're famously tough to book.
318
00:13:49,396 --> 00:13:50,797
But they are coming here
319
00:13:50,831 --> 00:13:54,034
to perform tonight!
320
00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:56,036
Lamar?
321
00:13:56,069 --> 00:13:58,205
Yeah, I'm just checking in.
This place is amazing.
322
00:13:58,238 --> 00:14:01,708
It has ice on demand,
24 hours a day.
323
00:14:01,742 --> 00:14:03,043
And it's gratis.
324
00:14:03,076 --> 00:14:04,578
I've got to go,
'cause it's showtime.
325
00:14:04,611 --> 00:14:06,446
Why isn't that boy
doing his scales?
326
00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:08,448
Why aren't you doing
your scales, boy...
327
00:14:08,482 --> 00:14:11,084
-: Hey.
Time to hit the road. - Shit.
328
00:14:11,118 --> 00:14:14,321
This little star's ready
to shake his moneymaker.
329
00:14:15,756 --> 00:14:17,257
Is something wrong?
330
00:14:17,291 --> 00:14:19,526
Do you feel
there's something wrong?
331
00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:21,728
:
No. How far is it to the venue?
332
00:14:21,762 --> 00:14:23,664
To the what?
333
00:14:23,697 --> 00:14:25,499
- Venue.
- Um...
334
00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:27,601
Not far.
335
00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:29,036
:
The fuck?
336
00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:31,104
Right, now,
that was a bit of a shock.
337
00:14:31,138 --> 00:14:34,174
He appears to have
hit puberty overnight.
338
00:14:34,208 --> 00:14:36,710
The worst thing is,
I don't think he realizes it.
339
00:14:36,743 --> 00:14:39,179
- All right.
340
00:14:39,213 --> 00:14:41,348
All the way up
from Staten Island,
341
00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:43,350
let's give a warm,
Binghamton welcome
342
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:46,320
to the most talented
little boy in the world,
343
00:14:46,353 --> 00:14:48,488
- Baby Colin.
344
00:14:48,522 --> 00:14:50,557
Hi, Binghamton.
345
00:14:53,126 --> 00:14:56,597
: ♪ If you want to ring the bell not once, but twice...
♪
346
00:14:56,630 --> 00:14:58,232
He's just a kid.
347
00:15:01,468 --> 00:15:03,437
Come on, let's get
a big clap going.
348
00:15:10,143 --> 00:15:12,312
That's not Baby Colin.
349
00:15:12,346 --> 00:15:14,248
- It is-- Yeah, it is.
- Fuck-- fuck off.
350
00:15:14,281 --> 00:15:15,616
I don't think it's him.
351
00:15:15,649 --> 00:15:17,651
- Get off the stage!
- Everyone hates me!
352
00:15:19,786 --> 00:15:23,056
- Go eat shit.
- Be back soon.
353
00:15:23,090 --> 00:15:24,591
Oh, that's fun.
354
00:15:24,625 --> 00:15:27,127
Come on, the circus
troupe is loading in soon.
355
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:28,495
- Hello?
- Ah.
356
00:15:28,529 --> 00:15:30,364
Gustave LeRoy
of Le Cirque Érotique.
357
00:15:30,397 --> 00:15:32,366
Hello, I am Nadja. Welcome.
358
00:15:32,399 --> 00:15:34,034
And the rest of your troupe
are, um...
359
00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:36,069
Oh, I thought they told you.
360
00:15:36,103 --> 00:15:37,337
It's just gonna be me tonight.
361
00:15:37,371 --> 00:15:39,573
Yeah, nobody else was available,
but lucky for you,
362
00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:41,575
I'm very free. Oh.
363
00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:43,644
I'd like to have you put those
up around the club, please.
364
00:15:43,677 --> 00:15:45,179
Just you?
365
00:15:45,212 --> 00:15:48,115
"The clown who can suck
himself off."
366
00:15:48,148 --> 00:15:49,616
I put a little comedy
into it as well.
367
00:15:49,650 --> 00:15:51,752
Now, where is a good place
for me to, uh,
368
00:15:51,785 --> 00:15:53,320
start my stretches?
369
00:15:53,353 --> 00:15:54,721
Hello?
370
00:15:54,755 --> 00:15:56,323
I just need to get
some insoles for my feet.
371
00:15:56,356 --> 00:15:58,559
- They're killing me.
372
00:16:01,695 --> 00:16:03,063
- ...the left nipple.
373
00:16:03,096 --> 00:16:05,065
Hey, look who it is.
374
00:16:05,098 --> 00:16:07,367
Freddie, what are you-- How?
375
00:16:07,401 --> 00:16:10,170
- Welcome.
- You were just in the car with me.
376
00:16:10,204 --> 00:16:12,506
Don't be silly.
This is not your Freddie.
377
00:16:12,539 --> 00:16:16,109
- This is my own Freddie.
- All right, bruv.
378
00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:18,178
What the hell?
379
00:16:18,212 --> 00:16:20,447
I asked the djinn to turn Marwa
into a carbon copy
380
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,249
of your Freddie.
381
00:16:22,282 --> 00:16:24,384
- What is wrong with you?
- Don't be upset about it.
382
00:16:24,418 --> 00:16:26,119
- You should be flattered.
- Put him back...
383
00:16:26,153 --> 00:16:28,355
- Gigi, what's taking you so long? We need to go.
- No, um...
384
00:16:28,388 --> 00:16:29,756
Freddie, you should probably
wait in the car, because...
385
00:16:29,790 --> 00:16:31,358
Um...
386
00:16:45,205 --> 00:16:48,075
Please give a warm welcome
to your entertainment
387
00:16:48,108 --> 00:16:51,245
for the evening,
Mr. Gustave LeRoy, huh?
388
00:16:56,750 --> 00:16:58,218
Ah, yeah!
389
00:17:00,354 --> 00:17:02,289
Yeah!
390
00:17:05,492 --> 00:17:07,060
Yeah, let's see it.
391
00:17:10,797 --> 00:17:12,766
Yes!
392
00:17:12,799 --> 00:17:14,301
He's really going for it.
393
00:17:14,334 --> 00:17:15,702
He's going for a full suck!
394
00:17:15,736 --> 00:17:17,104
Hey, Sofia, so it turns out
395
00:17:17,137 --> 00:17:19,506
it's just some guy
sucking his own dick.
396
00:17:19,540 --> 00:17:22,176
Anyway, very funny the way
you guys disappeared
397
00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:25,312
the other night after
the bloody magic trick,
398
00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:27,514
which I'm still trying
to figure out.
399
00:17:27,548 --> 00:17:30,484
But enough is enough.
Come on, call me back.
400
00:17:32,419 --> 00:17:33,754
- Really?
- That's it?
401
00:17:33,787 --> 00:17:35,622
- That's it?
- That was, like, 20 seconds.
402
00:17:35,656 --> 00:17:37,191
Ladies and gentlemen,
403
00:17:37,224 --> 00:17:39,259
it was a pleasure for me
404
00:17:39,293 --> 00:17:41,728
- to suck myself off for you.
405
00:17:43,697 --> 00:17:45,399
- What the fuck was that?
- Wasn't that amazing?
406
00:17:45,432 --> 00:17:46,767
I've never lasted that long.
407
00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:48,702
This was supposed to be
a whole evening of sucking.
408
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,070
You're useless.
409
00:17:50,103 --> 00:17:51,505
Okay, to, um,
410
00:17:51,538 --> 00:17:53,707
keep the fun going
and liven you guys up,
411
00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:57,511
we're gonna release
the blood sprinklers.
412
00:17:59,346 --> 00:18:02,349
Get ready for loads of blood.
413
00:18:02,382 --> 00:18:05,619
- Oh, yeah! -
Spill the blood for the vampires.
414
00:18:05,652 --> 00:18:09,122
We love blood so much.
415
00:18:09,156 --> 00:18:12,192
Blood sprinklers. Can we get
the blood sprinklers on?
416
00:18:12,226 --> 00:18:14,361
Let's get them on.
417
00:18:16,096 --> 00:18:17,397
- Billy!
418
00:18:17,431 --> 00:18:18,532
Uh...
419
00:18:18,565 --> 00:18:20,767
- Um... Okay...
420
00:18:20,801 --> 00:18:24,037
- Son of a bitch!
- Peace out, I'm done.
421
00:18:24,071 --> 00:18:25,739
Hang on. No, no, no, don't go,
'cause I'm going to perform.
422
00:18:29,510 --> 00:18:32,112
Come on, guys.
Let's get a big clap going.
423
00:18:36,483 --> 00:18:39,119
- Oh, no.
424
00:18:39,152 --> 00:18:41,188
In three, two, one, go!
425
00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:44,191
- Okay, um, uh, the Panama Canal.
- Got it.
426
00:18:44,224 --> 00:18:46,126
- Uh, oh, uh, pizza chef.
- Yep.
427
00:18:46,159 --> 00:18:48,462
- Uh, Barbie doll. Uh, Alaska.
- Yep. Yep.
428
00:18:48,495 --> 00:18:50,764
So, I did a little hypnosis
429
00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:52,533
on the two Freddies.
430
00:18:52,566 --> 00:18:54,301
Basically, I told them
not to make such a big a deal
431
00:18:54,334 --> 00:18:56,370
out of the whole cloning thing.
432
00:18:56,403 --> 00:18:58,572
- Uh, Genji monogatari by Murasaki Shikibu.
- Hai!
433
00:18:58,605 --> 00:19:01,108
Oh, uh, T-The New Adventures
of Old Christine.
434
00:19:01,141 --> 00:19:02,576
- Yes.
- And that's time.
435
00:19:02,609 --> 00:19:05,479
- Yes! Come on, Freddie.
- Oh.
436
00:19:05,512 --> 00:19:08,182
- Very impressive, you two.
437
00:19:08,215 --> 00:19:10,517
Very, um, in sync.
438
00:19:10,551 --> 00:19:11,785
- Hmm?
439
00:19:11,818 --> 00:19:13,053
- Hmm?
- Very good.
440
00:19:13,086 --> 00:19:15,055
Now they're getting on great,
441
00:19:15,088 --> 00:19:17,457
so the situation
is totally fine.
442
00:19:17,491 --> 00:19:18,759
Fun little evening we're having,
wouldn't you say?
443
00:19:18,792 --> 00:19:20,661
No, I wouldn't say.
444
00:19:20,694 --> 00:19:23,063
- Couldn't just let me have one
thing of my own? - I did.
445
00:19:23,096 --> 00:19:24,731
You have your thing
and I have mine.
446
00:19:24,765 --> 00:19:26,133
Oh, so you took your wife,
447
00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:27,634
who you transformed
into the perfect woman,
448
00:19:27,668 --> 00:19:29,703
and then turned her into
a carbon copy of my boyfriend?
449
00:19:29,736 --> 00:19:32,039
Doesn't that register with you
as being messed up?
450
00:19:32,072 --> 00:19:33,707
Stop saying things
that I have done.
451
00:19:33,740 --> 00:19:35,475
This is my last night
with Freddie.
452
00:19:35,509 --> 00:19:37,511
Okay, this might seem like
a huge game to you, but it's not
453
00:19:37,544 --> 00:19:39,613
- to me, I really care about him.
- I know, I just...
454
00:19:39,646 --> 00:19:42,716
Do you understand that
I've never, in my whole life,
455
00:19:42,749 --> 00:19:45,619
ever, had a long-term
boyfriend? Not once.
456
00:19:45,652 --> 00:19:49,723
And you find a way
to make it about yourself.
457
00:19:49,756 --> 00:19:51,058
So thanks.
458
00:19:51,091 --> 00:19:52,459
Uh, wait-- I...
459
00:19:52,492 --> 00:19:54,194
- Freddie? We're leaving.
- Yes?
460
00:19:54,228 --> 00:19:55,329
- Oh, uh...
- Oh, uh...
461
00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:57,064
That's, uh...
462
00:19:57,097 --> 00:19:58,765
That's actually...
463
00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:03,604
...my Freddie.
464
00:20:03,637 --> 00:20:06,039
Freddie, we're leaving.
465
00:20:06,073 --> 00:20:07,374
Oh, uh, awesome
to meet you, Freddie.
466
00:20:07,407 --> 00:20:08,775
Awesome to meet you, too, Freddie.
467
00:20:08,809 --> 00:20:10,711
Freddie, don't talk to Freddie.
468
00:20:17,084 --> 00:20:18,719
Well,
469
00:20:18,752 --> 00:20:20,587
Freddie had to go back
to England...
470
00:20:20,621 --> 00:20:21,722
Bye.
471
00:20:21,755 --> 00:20:23,190
I love you.
472
00:20:23,223 --> 00:20:26,059
...meaning I'm back
to my normal life,
473
00:20:26,093 --> 00:20:28,095
being a familiar for Nandor
474
00:20:28,128 --> 00:20:32,699
and his exact clone
of my boyfriend.
475
00:20:32,733 --> 00:20:35,702
At least we can stay in touch
through the Internet.
476
00:20:35,736 --> 00:20:37,404
- FREDDIE (over device): How's it
going? - Are you having beans
477
00:20:37,437 --> 00:20:39,439
- for dinner again?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
478
00:20:39,473 --> 00:20:41,008
- You're such a little bean freak, babe.
- Guilty as charged.
479
00:20:41,041 --> 00:20:42,176
Is that who I think it is?
480
00:20:42,209 --> 00:20:44,144
Oh, how's it going, Fredmeister?
481
00:20:44,178 --> 00:20:45,746
Yeah, not too bad, Fredmeister.
482
00:20:45,779 --> 00:20:47,748
- Ooh, did you get a chance to read the deep dive...
- Uh...
483
00:20:47,781 --> 00:20:50,184
...on the Palatine Hill in
this month's Rosetta Journal?
484
00:20:50,217 --> 00:20:53,020
Oh, let me have a think.
Hmm, how about yes?
485
00:20:53,053 --> 00:20:55,322
That's section on early medieval
earthenware they just excavated?
486
00:20:55,355 --> 00:20:57,057
Bombshell, am I right?
487
00:20:57,090 --> 00:20:58,592
I had to put the journal down
and take a walk
488
00:20:58,625 --> 00:21:00,194
- around the block.
- Me, too, I just had to put
489
00:21:00,227 --> 00:21:02,062
the journal down and take
a walk around the block.
490
00:21:02,095 --> 00:21:04,198
- Honestly.
- Me, too! I had to put...
491
00:21:04,798 --> 00:21:07,000
I'm sorry, can we can cut?
492
00:21:07,034 --> 00:21:08,735
You can't cancel
our dates, you bastard.
493
00:21:08,769 --> 00:21:10,204
We've got a contract.
494
00:21:10,237 --> 00:21:12,673
- Don't fuck me.
- Why is this happening to me?
495
00:21:12,706 --> 00:21:14,041
I'm repulsive.
496
00:21:14,074 --> 00:21:17,044
Good grief!
Whatever is that foul odor?
497
00:21:17,077 --> 00:21:18,745
It's me. And Laszlo, guess what?
498
00:21:18,779 --> 00:21:20,581
- What? - I hate you.
You're ruining my life!
499
00:21:20,614 --> 00:21:22,449
Come on, boy,
don't be like that.
500
00:21:22,482 --> 00:21:25,552
I can sort this out. Yeah?
I'll get you on stage tonight.
501
00:21:25,586 --> 00:21:29,056
No! I'm not singing
any more of those baby songs.
502
00:21:29,089 --> 00:21:30,490
- And guess what?
- What?
503
00:21:30,524 --> 00:21:32,593
From here on out,
I'll only consider performing
504
00:21:32,626 --> 00:21:36,096
if it's the music of Papa Roach
or Evanescence.
505
00:21:37,264 --> 00:21:39,333
- Fuck off!
- Shut your mouth.
506
00:21:42,336 --> 00:21:44,037
I am beginning to think
that maybe
507
00:21:44,071 --> 00:21:47,207
what I did was wrong.
508
00:21:47,241 --> 00:21:51,178
Probably not, but maybe.
509
00:21:51,211 --> 00:21:54,715
I set out to make things right
with Guillermo.
510
00:21:54,748 --> 00:21:58,051
I offered to give him
my Freddie,
511
00:21:58,085 --> 00:21:59,486
as a token of apology
512
00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:01,722
and also so that they could have
sex with each other.
513
00:22:01,755 --> 00:22:04,191
No. It's not the same.
514
00:22:04,224 --> 00:22:07,294
- It's pretty similar.
- But it's not.
515
00:22:08,228 --> 00:22:10,063
That's when I knew I had to let
516
00:22:10,097 --> 00:22:11,164
my Freddie go.
517
00:22:11,198 --> 00:22:12,466
Which also meant
518
00:22:12,499 --> 00:22:15,536
letting my wife Marwa go.
519
00:22:15,569 --> 00:22:18,071
But I did leave her
in Freddie form,
520
00:22:18,105 --> 00:22:20,340
'cause she seemed so much
happier like that.
521
00:22:20,374 --> 00:22:22,743
Perhaps true love is
about more than
522
00:22:22,776 --> 00:22:25,679
wishing for someone who likes
all the things you like.
523
00:22:25,712 --> 00:22:27,181
My sweet Freddie.
524
00:22:27,214 --> 00:22:29,016
My Freddie always told me
that his dream
525
00:22:29,049 --> 00:22:30,317
was to travel the world,
526
00:22:30,350 --> 00:22:34,054
explore his passion
for art and history.
527
00:22:34,087 --> 00:22:35,556
Don't forget to buy that Roomba.
528
00:22:35,589 --> 00:22:36,757
:
I won't.
529
00:22:36,790 --> 00:22:38,458
I suppose I am the one
530
00:22:38,492 --> 00:22:40,561
who is now granting a wish.
531
00:22:42,129 --> 00:22:44,064
Fucking sucks.
532
00:22:45,465 --> 00:22:47,434
It is clear to me now
533
00:22:47,467 --> 00:22:49,703
that without Baby Colin
as its main attraction,
534
00:22:49,736 --> 00:22:51,171
this club cannot survive.
535
00:22:51,205 --> 00:22:54,441
This place was the center
of the vampire universe.
536
00:22:54,474 --> 00:22:57,477
But now it is just a big,
empty piece of shit.
537
00:22:57,511 --> 00:22:59,580
And despite my hopes
of a comeback,
538
00:22:59,613 --> 00:23:02,216
it is clear that
our best days are behind us.
539
00:23:02,249 --> 00:23:04,017
- My darling?
- Laszlo!
540
00:23:04,051 --> 00:23:05,552
I've thought of a way
of saving the club.
541
00:23:05,586 --> 00:23:07,020
Ah. How?
542
00:23:07,054 --> 00:23:08,589
I've heard about
this amazing clown
543
00:23:08,622 --> 00:23:10,691
that can suck himself dry.
544
00:23:12,492 --> 00:23:14,061
Who is this young ruffian?
545
00:23:14,094 --> 00:23:15,729
You remember Baby Colin?
546
00:23:15,762 --> 00:23:17,331
Well, he's had a growth spurt.
547
00:23:18,265 --> 00:23:19,733
- Hey.
548
00:23:19,766 --> 00:23:21,435
Can we go?
549
00:23:21,468 --> 00:23:23,170
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Bye.
550
00:23:23,203 --> 00:23:25,706
Cheers from jolly old England.
551
00:23:25,739 --> 00:23:28,575
I decided to go
surprise Freddie,
552
00:23:28,609 --> 00:23:31,011
because why not, right?
You only live once.
553
00:23:31,044 --> 00:23:33,313
And I have
all that money saved that I...
554
00:23:33,347 --> 00:23:35,315
whatever, I stole from the club.
555
00:23:35,349 --> 00:23:37,317
He has no idea
that I'm here, so...
556
00:23:37,351 --> 00:23:39,586
- Oh. Is that him?
557
00:23:39,620 --> 00:23:41,455
Over there, right with...
558
00:23:41,488 --> 00:23:44,091
- I love you, Freddie.
- I love you, too, Freddie.
559
00:23:44,124 --> 00:23:46,460
- Fancy a pint of bitter?
- Why not?
560
00:24:02,042 --> 00:24:03,310
Impaler Swift.
561
00:24:03,343 --> 00:24:05,712
Bruno Scars. Lindsey Suckingham.
562
00:24:05,746 --> 00:24:08,315
And that's not even mentioning
the wraith acts.
563
00:24:08,348 --> 00:24:11,585
Bonnie Wraith. Wraith Hill.
Wraith Evans.
564
00:24:11,618 --> 00:24:12,753
Billy Wraith Cyrus.
565
00:24:12,786 --> 00:24:14,721
Wraith No More.
566
00:24:14,755 --> 00:24:17,024
Wraith Charles.
567
00:24:17,057 --> 00:24:19,326
I could go on.
568
00:25:01,635 --> 00:25:04,037
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