All language subtitles for My Family - S11E02 - Labour Pains.eng

(SIRENS WAILING ON TV)

Michael, what the hell is going on?

I can hear gunshots, sirens
and agonised screams!

Well, how is this possible?
Your mother's not home yet.

Sorry, it's my new game.
I'll turn it down.

Oh, don't let me put you out, Mikey,
please.

And as you're in a house
you don't live in,

playing on a TV you don't own,

can I offer you a drink
you didn't actually pay for?

No, thanks.
Scott and I are in the middle of a game.

Scott's not here, Mikey.

He's playing the same game
over at our place.

-Oh, yeah?
-We wanted to try multiplayer,

so I bought another copy

-and brought it over here.
- (WHISTLES)

-That's his avatar right there.
-Oh, my, that is... What's an avatar?

It's his virtual self.

So we can interact without being
in the same room.

Must get your mother one of those.

“Hell Squad 7."

It's the most realistic war
simulation game ever.

They did six years of research capturing
every part of military and combat Life.

The detail is amazing.

(EXPLOSION)

The screen just went white.
What's that mean? You're dead?

No, it means I was busted
for oversleeping

and now I'm cleaning toilets.

War is hell, Son. War is hell.

-Mind you, you should try marriage.
-Hmm?

(MOUTHING)

In 25 years of dentistry, 25 years,

that has to be the worst day ever!

Do you know what Cavitex
has got us doing now?

Do you know what they've got us doing?

Time cards! Yes. Time cards.

It's all right.
I already have a glass of wine.

They're not for you.

-Silly me.
-Yep.

Every minute of the day has to be
accounted for.

They've even limited our toilet breaks
to 20 minutes.

What takes you longer than 20 minutes?

That's beside the point.
I like doing the crossword.

"Max's Magic Pickle?"

That's a bit heavy going for you,
isn't it?

For your information,
your wife is about to appear on TV.

(GASPING) Crimewatch.

Not yet.

-Children's presenter.
-(EXCLAIMING) Nol

-Hmm.
-Yeah?

I've been reading books
to children at the Library.

-Yeah.
-One of the mothers heard me.

-Mmm-hmm.
-Turns out she's a TV producer...

No. How much does it pay?

-Can I tell the story my way, please?
-Yeah. Sorry. Fine. Carry on.

So she spotted my natural talent...

-Yeah.
-And said I would be a perfect host

for her new kid's breakfast show.
-How much does it pay?

-I don't know and I don't care.
-No, no, sorry.

I'll have my own dressing room,
free travel and a puppet sidekick,

which, after living with you for
30 years, should be a doddle.

But how much does it... Never mind.
Look, Look.

If this job of yours makes us rich I can
kiss those Cavitex cretins goodbye.

Ben, I know it's no fun when you think
the world is against you,

but it's worse hearing you
whinging about it.

No, no, no, it's not just me.
It's all the other dentists.

They can't stand Cavitex and their
slimeball-in-chief Mr Griffith.

Can we skip the moaning and get to
the part where you do nothing about it?

Ah-ha. For your information, Susan,
I have organised a meeting

of the south-east representatives. Yes.

We're gonna meet tomorrow to discuss
what action we should take.

You really take
your toilet breaks seriously.

Oh, yeah.

Now, I don't know about you lot,

but this is affecting my life
very negatively.

I can't sleep. I can't eat.

I mean, this is impacting on me
and my entire family.

I think we've established you're
not happy about the toilet breaks.

I'd like to see representatives
throughout the Greater London area.

I myself will be representing Hounslow.

What am I doing, Ben?

Who wants coffee?

The strength of this organisation
lies in the individual dentist

and assembled in this room
are the best and the brightest.

-{ROGER LAUGHING)
-Now, technically he's not in the room.

Individually, we're just cogs
in a corporate machine,

but together, friends,
we represent real power.

The kind of power that makes
a corporation like Cavitex tremble. Huh?

(CRASHING) Ohl

This is the thin end of the wedge.
Only the beginning. What next?

Cutting overtime? Slashing holidays?

You know, we have been squeezed like
a tube of toothpaste.

(LAUGHING) That's very clever.

Because we are dentists
and we use toothpaste.

We're not gonna stand for it any more,
are we?

We're with you, Ben. We're not doormats
that can be stepped on.

-Shut up, Roger.
-Sorry. Yes.

But it's time for action, friends.

Tonight the executive board is meeting
and I suggest we crush that meeting,

demand better treatment,
or we'll go on strike!

-Yeah!
-Yeah!

We're sick and tired
of being pushed around.

Yes!

Sorry. I thought we'd all
be shouting there.

So, it's all agreed.

Tonight we crash that meeting
and take the suits to the cleaners.

Yes!

(PHONE RINGING)

That is very funny, too, because
you do take suits to the cleaners.

Sorry about this. Hello, Mr Griffith.

(ALL GROANING WITH DISLIKE)

Oh, really? You want to see me today?

Oh. I'm afraid I'm very busy.
It'll have to wait.

Yeah, of course. Yes, I'lL..
I'll just check my diary.

(CHUCKLING)

Yeah, I can be with you right away. Yes.

But I demand to know
what it's all about.

Uh, okay. Yeah, sure.
Yeah, you can tell me when I get there.

It'll be fine.
Yeah, I'll see you in an hour.

No, no. Ten minutes? Yeah. Okay.
Bye, Mr Griffith.

Yeah, and I'm very sorry
but I'm not gonna take this lying down.

No. None of us are. We are all together.
Yeah. Goodbye, sir.

You know, Ben, I can't wait
to see you negotiate tonight.

I have got the feeling
that he is a natural.

Roger, you've either got it
or you haven't.

Sorry, gotta rush.

"Max packed up his magic pickle.

"He knew it would be ready
if the world ever needed it again."

The end.

Incredible. That was
absolutely incredible, Susan.

Thank you, Darcy. Thank you.

We were hanging on every word
in the control room, weren't we, Barry?

-Hello!
-Oh, hello. who's this?

I'm Dickins the chimp. Knock-knock.

Uh, who's there?

-Bananas.
-Bananas who?

Who cares? It's bananas. Let's eat some.
Yum, yum, yum.

Susan, this is Barry. He'll be playing
Dickins the chimp on the show.

-Oh, nice to meet you, Barry.
-Nice to meet you, too.

Oh, you're still in character?

We just need a moment, Barry.

Okay. Hang on.

I've got a doctor's appointment today.
Can I leave early?

Sure.

I'm excited to start work, Darcy.
When's my first episode due to record?

Unfortunately, it's not that simple.
There is another candidate.

One of the mums from my son's school
was reading.

I thought she was pretty good, too.

Actually here she is right now.
Susan, meet...

-Janey.
-Mum?

Oh. So you two know each other?

Oh, she's my daughter.

Oh. Right. So at least someone
in the family will be on TV.

Sorry, you mean it's between me
and my mum?

Yes, but, of course, being family

means that there won't be
any hard feelings, will there?

Uh, Mr Griffith?

Hello, Ben.

I take it you've (CLEARING THROAT)
heard about our plans.

-About what?
-What?

-What?
-What?

Ben, I called you in to offer
you a promotion.

We have an opening
for a senior personnel executive.

I don't think so. Excuse me.

No, Ben, please. Just hear me out.

We at head office have been keeping
an eye on you.

And you, sir,
are a diamond in the rough.

What? Me?

You're not only the best dentist
we have,

but you also have the qualities
that set you aside as a leader.

Really?

You have the power not only to lead,
but to inspire.

Your potential is limitless.
Need I say more?

Can't hurt.

This will be your office.
This will be your desk.

Sit down, Ben.

- (WHISTLES)
-No.

-Oh!
-Oh, try it out.

No, I really...

You look pretty good behind that desk.

It feels pretty good.

-You've worked hard for this, Ben.
-Yeah. I have.

-You deserve it.
-I do.

The only thing missing from this table
is a photograph of your family.

Or not.

So what do you say, Ben?

(EXHALING) I'm just not sure.

Well, your salary will triple,

get your own private bathroom,
company car, extended holidays.

What's this?

Your pencil sharpener.

Ooh.

So what do you say, Ben?

-Well...
-Excellent.

Welcome to the Cavitex family.

Well, I thought I was already
a member of the family.

Yes, I suppose.
Now, take the rest of the day off.

Go and do some shopping. After all, that
clothing allowance won't spend itself.

I'll introduce you to the rest of
the team at tonight's board meeting.

Ah. That's a very funny thing
because I...

I was supposed to crash
that board meeting tonight

-with a list of the dentists' demands.
-0h?

-Hmm.
-And what demands do they have, Ben?

They... You know,
they've suddenly slipped my mind.

-Don't touch me.
-Okay.

(CHOPPERS WHIRRING ON TV)

Mikey! Mikey, Mikey, Mikey!

Hey, Dad.

Mikey! Mikey, Mikey, Mikey!

Hey, Dad.

Mikey, Mikey, Mikey.

Something on your mind, Dad?

Well, as you won't let it drop.

You are looking at the new head
of Human Resources

for the Cavitex Corporation.

Don't take this the wrong way,
but why you of all people?

‘Cause Mr Griffith wanted a man
not only to lead, but to inspire.

So why didn't he hire that person?

Look out, Mikey! Sniper!

So, are you and Scott
still in the thick of battle?

Actually, no. We broke up.

Really? Oh. How're you taking it,
all right?

Fine. I shot him in the back
of the head.

-In the game?
-Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Thank God.

Hey-hey! Ho-ho!

-So, how'd it go at the TV studio, Mum?
-Well...

Oh, that's how it is.

When it comes to the tinsel and glitter
of a puppet show, you're all ears,

but when your father becomes a corporate
bigwig, you can't even be bothered.

What's he talking about?

Cavitex made Dad
head of Human Resources.

Really?

But he has no resources
and he's barely human.

I know, I know. He's useless.

I'm still standing here, you know.

Or at least I was.

So your audition went well?

Very well. Very well, Michael.

I'm one of two finalists.

Yeah. Janey dropped by
and told me all about it.

Sounds like all the ingredients
of a classic mother-daughter catfight.

Michael, please,
Janey and I are beyond such things.

we'll support each other in every way.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Yes. Yes, this is Susan Harper.

Oh, you want to move my audition?
Just let me get a pen.

So it's Friday instead of Thursday?

That's right, Susan, and don't be late.

You wouldn't want to miss out because of
a scheduling cock up, now would you?

-Janey.
-Not now, Mum. I'm on the phone.

Janey!

Got to go.

Well, if that's the calibre
of your performance, I'll sail through.

Like you could do better.

I could. I could.

I've been reading to kids for years.

I read to Kenzo all the time.

Clothing catalogues don't count.

Forgive me for wanting my son to know
the difference a V and crew neck jumper.

All right then. Why do you think you
deserve this so much?

-Because I'm good with kids.
-(SARCASTICALLY) Yeah, right.

So where is our own son right now?

That's not the point.

And what makes you think you deserve it?

Because I have a soothing voice

and a calm persona
that kids find really relaxing!

What are you two shouting about?

There he is.

-Nice touch. You look really powerful.
-Thank you, Roger.

Could you all please take your seats?

(MOUTHING)

And they all lived happily ever after.
The end.

Well, what do you think?

I like the monkey.

No, no. It's not the real one. I just
have it there to capture the mood.

Monkeys are funny.

But how do you think I read the story?

Maybe if I had a bit more ice cream.

I've already given you three bowls

and the most constructive thing
you've said is, "Monkeys are funny."

It's going to take a lot more than that
to get bowl number four, young man.

Okay. Your eyes are darting,
your page turns are way too loud,

and that non-stop smile,
it's really creeping me out.

Do I stop there,
or do you want more help?

And now I'd like to introduce our new
head of Human Resources, Mr Ben Harper.

(BOOING)

-Shame, shame.
-May I just say,

we have some genuine grievances
we would like to see addressed.

We're not going to lie down
and let you lot just ride roughshod...

Please, please, please.
Please, Jonathon.

In Ben's absence,
I would like to handle this.

You have a list of our demands.

I would respectfully encourage you
to take them seriously.

If you don't, we will walk.

So, please kindly
give us what we want, please.

Thank you.

What? What's the matter?

Well, I'm unsure how to handle
his excessively polite demands.

Ah, yes. Look, leave him to me.
I'll handle this.

Are you sure, Ben?

A few hours ago these people
were your friends.

Sure. Yeah, but then you people gave me
shedload of money.

Come on. Try and keep up.

Tick-tock, people. Either meet
our demands or we strike.

Well, that's pretty big talk coming from
a man who sleeps with a teddy bear.

That's not true.

Oh, no, of course.
Two teddy bears now, isn't it?

Mr Teddy recently got hitched, yes,
but that's irrelevant.

We are here to demand satisfaction.

So what's it going to be? Yes or no?

The answer is nol Nol No! No!

And if you don't like it,
you can go on strike!

And if you go on strike,
we'll lock you out, okay?

Go. Go. Go onl On your bikes. Get out!
Good riddance. Go on. Out. Out!

What?

Well, I'm head of Human Resources,
aren't I?

Can you believe that
little ingrate Janey?

Roger's pathetic demands are an insult.

Competing against her own mother
for a job.

They're getting
all they deserve already.

I've given that girl everything.
Can't she give me this one little thing?

If these proles think they can get
something by this strike, they're mad.

And then trying to trick me
into showing up late.

I think we'll just hire scabs
and let them take over.

It's like she's become a different
person, you know. Actually, no.

It's typical Janey.

I mean, its dentistry,
not rocket science.

I'm not letting her waltz in,
wiggle her bottom,

and snatch away something
that's rightfully mine.

Ican't.

-I won't.
-I won't.

Do you know I'm really glad
we can still talk like this, you know?

(THUMPING)

(SPRAYING)

Roger, what the hell are you doing?

Hello, Ben.

(NERVOUSLY) I was just out for a stroll

and I needed to jot down a few thoughts.

In spray paint? On my door?

Oh, I'm sorry, Ben.

They sent me over here
to vandalise the house.

They what?

We just don't understand
why you've betrayed us.

Oh, Roger, Roger, Roger.

I can't believe you haven't
figured it out yet.

I haven't betrayed you.

-You haven't?
-No.

Come on.
I took this job to win their trust

so I could report everything
back to you guys, you know?

I mean, hey, I can do more damage
from the inside.

-Now that makes a lot of sense.
-I'm telling you.

You're a true friend, Ben.

Come on. Come on, Roger. Let's go
in the kitchen, have a cup of cocoa,

and tell me all the strategy
you dentists have planned.

Like a fish in a barrel

Okay.

Let's get started than, shall we?

Um, unfortunately, Barry the puppeteer

has damaged his vocal chords
doing his Dickins.

Well, that's not surprising.

That voice is such a departure for him.

And we thought just for fun

you two could take turns playing Dickins
while the other reads the story.

Is that okay?

-Fine.
-No problem.

All right. Okay.
I'll leave you to it then. Good Luck.

Okay.

Thank you.

DARCY: Ready, guys?

And action.

Hello, children.

Today Dickins and I are going to read
the story, "Pancho, the Field Mouse."

It's pronounced Pancho.

Thank you, Dickins.

Just trying not to make you look stupid.

(HUMMING)

(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)

(HUMMING)

(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)

Okay. That'll be lunch.

(KNOCKING)

-How's it going, Ben?
-Good.

Just keeping on top of things.

Well, you're doing a great job.

-Keep it up.
-Thank you.

Oh, um...

-while I'm here...
-Mmm-hmm?

I understand that you and Roger Bailey
had a little chat last night.

Any interesting information
come out of that?

Actually it did, yes.

But, Mr Griffith,
I'd better be honest with you.

I'm not entirely happy
with this position.

How do you mean?

Well, when I accepted this post
I thought I had something to offer,

you know, something more meaningful.

And if you think I'm gonna
sit around all day

twiddling my thumbs, cashing cheques
and acting as your mole,

you don't know the real Ben Harper.

I'll give you a £20,000 a year raise.

There's a picket line, Thursday,
10:00 a.m., 100 people.

Financially they can't make it past next
Tuesday and I'm gonna need more pencils.

Oh, and a pen.

Excellent work, Ben.

Let's discuss the details over a drink.

A drink? At this time in the morning?
Good God. It's only half-past ten.

You have so much to learn about
executive life.

Don't touch me.

DARCY: And action.

Are you sitting comfortably?
Then I'll begin.

"Once upon a time there was a man
named Mr Giggles.

"Mr Giggles loved to giggle.

"He giggled in the morning.
He giggled in the afternoon.”

Oh, glad somebody's having a good time.

"Mr Giggles could never forget
the one day he didn't giggle.

"That was the day..."

Poo-weel

"That is the day Mr Giggles broke
his spine in three places."

-It doesn't say that.
-Oh, yes, it does.

Right here.

owl!

Don't interrupt.

"Mr Giggles awoke to find that
his heater had broken."

Sorry! Just grooming!

-I'll groom you, you little...
-Owl

Ow! My neck!

You're this close to me performing
animal experimentation!

-Don't take it out on the monkey.
-I wasn't talking about the monkey.

When I'm finished with you, you'll be
sucking bananas through a straw.

That'll be the best meal
you've ever made.

I'm not too old to put you over my knee,
young lady.

Oh, try it, grandma.

(JANEY YELPING)

So which one of us got it?

"In light of our inability
to reach an agreement,

"the dentists' union will return to work
under the terms dictated by Cavitex."

Excellent, Roger.
I couldn't have put it better myself.

You gave me this to read.

Yes, I did.

Well, let's make it nice and official,
shall we?

Yes, of course, sir.
Um, I have the relevant paperwork here.

If you'd like to hand that around.
One for you lot.

Uh, there. And, of course, for you, sir.

If you would just sign, um, here and...

-Yes. (MUMBLES) And here.
-Mmm-hmm.

Know this, Ben Harper,

whatever friendship we once shared
is well and truly over.

Oh, stop it, Roger.
I can't keep taking the good news.

Well done, Ben.

By breaching their original contract,

all these dentists have forfeited
their bonus, their holiday pay,

and their built-in salary increase.

Perfect ending to the perfect day.

Oh, and before you go,
I have some news for you.

Ah, my pencils have arrived?

Not quite. No. You're sacked.
Your position has been eliminated.

What? But you can't sack me.
I'm head of Human Resources.

Well, you can sack yourself if you like,
but the result would be the same.

But you can't throw me back
to the dental dogs. Look at them.

They'll eat me alive.

Weird, huh?

Well, that's it, is it? You give
48 hours of your life to a company

and this is how you get treated.

All right. I'm going.

I shall go back to my office
and collect my thing.

Before I go, sir,

can I draw your attention
to the contract you've all just signed?

-Particularly, clause 13, subsection Z.
-What're you talking about?

Well, as head of Human Resources,
I thought we'd get back to basics.

-We're a dental company, right?
-Right.

And, as such, dental surgery
should be our main priority.

So all those qualified to
perform dentistry, raise your hands.

Ah. Ah. Good.

And all those not qualified to perform
dental surgery, raise yours.

Now, use those hands to wave.

Goodbye. You're sacked.

What're you talking about?

Well, you see, I got a little bored
sharpening pencils,

so I spent a little time adjusting
the contracts.

You're joking.

Little tip, never sign a contract
without reading the small print

and never call a late night phone-in
using your wife's credit card.

-What?
-Oh, it's a little thing for me.

Okay, guys. Come on. Let's hit the bar.

-Yes.
-No, no. Ben. Ben, you can't do this.

But this will finish all of us.

Weird, huh?

-Ben.
-Don't touch me.

All right.

Hey, Mikey! How's it going, boy?

Dad, this has been such an amazing day.

I was out walking when these five guys
came out of nowhere

and jumped on top of me.

What you do in your spare time, Mikey,
is your own business.

In the game, Dad.
I thought I was a dead man.

But then Scott burst in,

blew them away,
and had us both air-lifted to safety.

And all without a single scratch
on my character's health points.

This guy Scott's a keeper.

I know.

What a loser.

Hey!

-How's my favourite executive?
-Great.

1 got sacked.

-You don't see overly bothered.
-No, I got me old job back.

And I got Griffith to sign a contract

agreeing to new benefits including
more money and extended toilet breaks.

-How much more?
-Ten minutes.

I get to play Sudoku as well.

I was talking about the money,
but hey, well done.

-Well, I have a surprise for you, too.
-What?

-Janey got the TV job.
-Nol

I have the disc of her first show
right here.

Well, you don't seem overly
worried about it.

Well, I'm proud of her.

She had an easy way out
but instead she fought hard for it.

-Literally.
-Good for her.

Mmm-hmm. She showed real spirit.

And you know what? In the end,
1 think she got everything she deserved.

Yeah.

Hello, children.
You ready for another story, Dickins?

I sure am, Barry.

Today's story
is "Mr Giggles' Very Bad Day."

Where's Janey?

She's the monkey.

Monkeys are funny.