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1
00:00:15,598 --> 00:00:17,669
- (clangs)
- NANDOR: Huh?
2
00:00:20,107 --> 00:00:21,510
Guillermo?
3
00:00:23,480 --> 00:00:25,183
Guillermo!
4
00:00:26,486 --> 00:00:28,290
- Boo! (chuckles)
- (screams) - NADJA: The child
5
00:00:28,323 --> 00:00:29,693
who clawed his way out
of the abdomen
6
00:00:29,726 --> 00:00:31,262
of our dead friend
Colin Robinson
7
00:00:31,296 --> 00:00:33,400
has reached that wild age.
8
00:00:33,433 --> 00:00:35,037
- (Colin laughs)
- NANDOR: That's mine. You'll take it off
9
00:00:35,070 --> 00:00:37,542
- this second.
- Catch me, catch me! (grunts)
10
00:00:37,576 --> 00:00:39,780
- He's a very active lad.
- (Colin laughs) - It feels like weeks
11
00:00:39,813 --> 00:00:41,416
since I had
had a good day's slumber.
12
00:00:41,449 --> 00:00:44,322
Fucking little guy. (grunts)
13
00:00:44,355 --> 00:00:46,226
- This ruckus never seems to end.
- (Colin laughing)
14
00:00:46,259 --> 00:00:47,562
He's very loud, and unlike us,
15
00:00:47,596 --> 00:00:48,764
he does not sleep
during the day.
16
00:00:48,798 --> 00:00:50,802
Nor does he sleep
during the night.
17
00:00:50,835 --> 00:00:52,706
- When does he sleep?
- I don't think he does. - (glass breaks)
18
00:00:52,739 --> 00:00:55,110
Never a dull moment
with that scalawag.
19
00:00:55,143 --> 00:00:57,649
- NADJA: I'm pretty sure he must be part demon.
- LASZLO: Nonsense.
20
00:00:57,682 --> 00:00:59,418
He's all boy.
21
00:00:59,452 --> 00:01:02,191
♪ A-well a-everybody's heard
about the bird ♪
22
00:01:02,224 --> 00:01:05,163
- ♪ B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word... ♪
- (playing discordant notes)
23
00:01:05,197 --> 00:01:08,136
- NANDOR: We tried to distract him by buying him toys.
- (Nadja hisses)
24
00:01:08,169 --> 00:01:10,440
But he just breaks the toy
and plays with the box.
25
00:01:10,474 --> 00:01:12,812
Which he then sets on fire.
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00:01:12,846 --> 00:01:14,348
LASZLO:
Ah, well, at least
27
00:01:14,382 --> 00:01:15,685
he's not showing signs
of being a bore
28
00:01:15,718 --> 00:01:17,288
or an energy vampire.
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00:01:17,321 --> 00:01:18,724
He has a very curious
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00:01:18,758 --> 00:01:20,093
- and inquisitive mind.
- GUILLERMO: Colin, no!
31
00:01:20,127 --> 00:01:21,597
LASZLO:
Gizmo, shut the fuck up!
32
00:01:21,630 --> 00:01:24,235
We're doing a piece to camera.
As I was saying,
33
00:01:24,268 --> 00:01:26,172
he has a very inquisitive
and curious mind.
34
00:01:26,205 --> 00:01:28,711
That is just a very nice,
bullshitty way of saying that
35
00:01:28,744 --> 00:01:30,815
- if we leave him unsupervised for even one moment...
- GUILLERMO: Colin, no! No!
36
00:01:30,848 --> 00:01:32,585
...he runs down
to the bloody flooded basement
37
00:01:32,619 --> 00:01:34,155
and wreaks havoc.
38
00:01:34,188 --> 00:01:35,490
For no good reason at all.
39
00:01:35,525 --> 00:01:37,161
- (Colin grunts)
- GUILLERMO: Colin, no!
40
00:01:37,194 --> 00:01:39,298
- (Colin laughs)
- Colin! - LASZO: No,
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00:01:39,332 --> 00:01:40,568
I think there's method
in his madness.
42
00:01:40,602 --> 00:01:41,837
- (thudding)
- What we're seeing
43
00:01:41,870 --> 00:01:43,239
are the early,
tentative explorations
44
00:01:43,273 --> 00:01:45,110
of maybe a sculptor
45
00:01:45,143 --> 00:01:47,114
- or an architect.
- Or a psychopath.
46
00:01:47,147 --> 00:01:48,450
- (glass breaks)
- GUILLERMO: He's got a weapon! - Maybe it's...
47
00:01:48,483 --> 00:01:49,452
- (Colin shouts)
- He's got a weapon!
48
00:01:49,485 --> 00:01:50,755
- Whoa!
- (Nandor grunts)
49
00:01:50,788 --> 00:01:53,226
I'm gonna get you!
(grunts)
50
00:01:54,395 --> 00:01:56,499
("You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing)
51
00:01:56,533 --> 00:01:58,871
♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪
52
00:01:58,904 --> 00:02:01,476
♪ They have no use
for your song ♪
53
00:02:01,510 --> 00:02:04,215
♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪
54
00:02:04,248 --> 00:02:07,221
♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪
55
00:02:08,624 --> 00:02:11,664
♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪
56
00:02:11,697 --> 00:02:14,402
♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪
57
00:02:14,435 --> 00:02:16,707
♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪
58
00:02:16,740 --> 00:02:19,445
♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪
59
00:02:19,478 --> 00:02:21,282
♪ ♪
60
00:02:28,898 --> 00:02:30,535
GUILLERMO:
But he needs to go to school
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00:02:30,568 --> 00:02:32,371
so he can burn off
some of this energy
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00:02:32,404 --> 00:02:35,344
and learn structure and be
around normal kids his own age.
63
00:02:35,377 --> 00:02:36,914
- But he's not a normal kid.
- NADJA: Mm.
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00:02:36,947 --> 00:02:39,251
He's a singer, he's a dancer,
he's an entertainer.
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00:02:39,285 --> 00:02:40,555
- He's got the magic.
- (footsteps running overhead)
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00:02:40,588 --> 00:02:42,291
- (glass breaks)
- (Colin laughs)
67
00:02:42,324 --> 00:02:43,928
- You've got to do something!
- LASZLO: What about you?
68
00:02:43,961 --> 00:02:45,698
- Have you been to a school?
- I have.
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00:02:45,732 --> 00:02:48,504
Actually, I happened
to go to public school
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00:02:48,537 --> 00:02:49,906
when I was little,
and look at me.
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00:02:49,940 --> 00:02:51,910
- I turned out fine.
- (Nadja and Laszlo laugh)
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00:02:51,944 --> 00:02:53,313
LASZLO:
Great plan.
73
00:02:53,346 --> 00:02:54,783
Send Baby Colin Robinson
to a school,
74
00:02:54,816 --> 00:02:56,185
and he ends up like you.
75
00:02:56,219 --> 00:02:57,856
NANDOR:
I have been thinking.
76
00:02:57,889 --> 00:03:00,862
Perhaps the answer
is to send Baby Colin Robinson
77
00:03:00,895 --> 00:03:03,501
to a performing arts school
78
00:03:03,534 --> 00:03:06,272
where they just pretend
to learn reading and writing
79
00:03:06,305 --> 00:03:07,509
and math, but at least
they're out of the house
80
00:03:07,542 --> 00:03:09,613
for, like,
eight hours of the day.
81
00:03:10,715 --> 00:03:12,952
What's going on here, then?
82
00:03:12,986 --> 00:03:15,525
- Where?
- NADJA: Have you had a haircut?
83
00:03:15,558 --> 00:03:17,261
Why? Have you had a haircut?
84
00:03:17,294 --> 00:03:20,200
LASZLO:
Have you been watching Star Trek?
85
00:03:21,937 --> 00:03:24,876
Let's not, uh,
focus on looking at me,
86
00:03:24,910 --> 00:03:26,379
okay,
and focus on the big issue,
87
00:03:26,412 --> 00:03:28,551
which is the Baby Colin,
correct?
88
00:03:28,584 --> 00:03:30,220
NADJA:
Okay. What if we send him
89
00:03:30,253 --> 00:03:32,525
to a very selective
private school so he doesn't
90
00:03:32,559 --> 00:03:33,728
have to worry
about rubbing shoulders
91
00:03:33,761 --> 00:03:35,430
with street tramps and dullards?
92
00:03:35,464 --> 00:03:37,401
No. We have plenty
of good public schools here,
93
00:03:37,434 --> 00:03:39,506
- and they're free.
- I thought you were doing the accounting.
94
00:03:39,539 --> 00:03:41,409
Isn't the nightclub swimming
in the trillions?
95
00:03:41,442 --> 00:03:44,014
No, we need that money
to fix the house.
96
00:03:44,048 --> 00:03:46,520
And I wouldn't say "trillions."
No, definitely not.
97
00:03:46,553 --> 00:03:48,256
How much money
have we made this month?
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00:03:48,289 --> 00:03:50,360
(inhales) Have to, like,
crunch the numbers.
99
00:03:50,393 --> 00:03:53,333
- Top of my head, I don't...
- Hold on a second. Nandor,
100
00:03:53,366 --> 00:03:55,437
- why don't you rub your genie?
- NANDOR: He is a djinn.
101
00:03:55,470 --> 00:03:57,408
LASZLO:
Well, whether he's a djinn or not, give him a rub,
102
00:03:57,441 --> 00:03:59,378
make a wish and
we can clean this bullshit up.
103
00:03:59,412 --> 00:04:00,648
NANDOR:
Well, I cannot do that.
104
00:04:00,681 --> 00:04:01,784
- LASZLO: Why?
- Because I only have
105
00:04:01,817 --> 00:04:03,353
a very limited number of wishes,
106
00:04:03,386 --> 00:04:05,457
- and I cannot be wasting them.
- NADJA: Selfish.
107
00:04:05,490 --> 00:04:07,261
And anyway, I already asked him.
108
00:04:07,294 --> 00:04:11,603
- (Nadja gasps)
- And he said that he is legally prohibited
109
00:04:11,637 --> 00:04:14,509
from doing any kind
of house stuff.
110
00:04:14,543 --> 00:04:15,878
Bummer.
111
00:04:15,912 --> 00:04:17,949
Of course I could ask the djinn
112
00:04:17,982 --> 00:04:20,287
to make all of our troubles
with the house disappear.
113
00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:23,059
But it's a very slippery slope.
114
00:04:23,092 --> 00:04:24,896
Are you sure
you haven't had a haircut?
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00:04:24,930 --> 00:04:26,399
NANDOR:
First we fix the house.
116
00:04:26,432 --> 00:04:27,969
Then it's like, "Oh, Nandor,
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00:04:28,002 --> 00:04:30,541
can you wish for a new rug?"
or some shit.
118
00:04:30,575 --> 00:04:32,846
And before you know it, all
of my wishes will be used up,
119
00:04:32,879 --> 00:04:36,285
and I will have no more wishes
left to make a global impact.
120
00:04:36,319 --> 00:04:39,024
Which is what I plan
on focusing on next:
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00:04:39,058 --> 00:04:41,028
philanthropy.
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00:04:41,062 --> 00:04:42,832
- (Djinn grunts)
- Hey.
123
00:04:42,866 --> 00:04:44,368
You rang?
124
00:04:44,401 --> 00:04:46,339
I did? Oh.
125
00:04:46,372 --> 00:04:48,042
It was an accident.
126
00:04:48,076 --> 00:04:50,515
So, uh, you are satisfied
127
00:04:50,548 --> 00:04:52,317
with the results
of your last wish?
128
00:04:52,351 --> 00:04:54,656
Would you excuse us
for just a moment?
129
00:04:54,689 --> 00:04:56,092
Philanthropy stuff.
130
00:04:56,125 --> 00:04:58,463
(whispers):
So, about my last wish.
131
00:04:58,496 --> 00:05:01,670
I think the removing
of the wrinkles around the eyes
132
00:05:01,703 --> 00:05:03,541
was a success, yes?
133
00:05:03,574 --> 00:05:05,010
I live to serve.
134
00:05:05,043 --> 00:05:07,816
Uh, however, I feel like
the smoothness of the skin
135
00:05:07,849 --> 00:05:09,986
is now drawing some attention
136
00:05:10,020 --> 00:05:12,424
to some bagginess
under the eyes.
137
00:05:12,457 --> 00:05:15,063
- Hmm. Come. Come, let me see?
- See here?
138
00:05:15,096 --> 00:05:16,733
- ("Meet Me Tonight in Dreamland" playing on piano)
- (indistinct chatter)
139
00:05:16,767 --> 00:05:21,543
♪ Meet me tonight in dreamland ♪
140
00:05:21,577 --> 00:05:25,985
♪ Under the silvery moon ♪
141
00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:30,628
- ♪ Meet me tonight in dreamland. ♪
- (feedback screeches)
142
00:05:30,661 --> 00:05:33,132
- (indistinct chatter)
- Shit. Not again.
143
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:35,036
- COLIN: Hey, guess what? Do you guys have YouTube?
- What?
144
00:05:35,070 --> 00:05:37,040
And have you seen
the new MrBeast video
145
00:05:37,074 --> 00:05:39,546
where he makes the world's
largest elephant's toothpaste?
146
00:05:39,579 --> 00:05:42,484
- GIRL: No.
- GIRL 2: What the fuck are you talking about?
147
00:05:42,519 --> 00:05:44,021
We may look as children,
148
00:05:44,054 --> 00:05:47,094
but we're 143 years old.
149
00:05:47,127 --> 00:05:49,866
Oh, okay. S-Sorry.
150
00:05:49,900 --> 00:05:52,739
It's all right, boy, they don't
know what they're missing.
151
00:05:52,772 --> 00:05:55,143
Come on. Let's get on
with the job in hand.
152
00:05:55,176 --> 00:05:57,582
Now I come to think of it,
153
00:05:57,615 --> 00:05:59,519
I suppose schooling
isn't such a bad idea
154
00:05:59,553 --> 00:06:00,855
as long as he can have
some japes
155
00:06:00,888 --> 00:06:02,625
and tomfoolery
with his young cohorts.
156
00:06:02,659 --> 00:06:04,563
- NANDOR: Oops.
- NADJA: My love, it will be very good
157
00:06:04,596 --> 00:06:06,633
for him and very good for us.
158
00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:08,537
Yeah, but none
of this public school shit.
159
00:06:08,571 --> 00:06:10,975
- NADJA: Mm.
- He's gonna be amongst the elites like I was.
160
00:06:11,008 --> 00:06:12,645
Well, I got some brochures here
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00:06:12,679 --> 00:06:15,585
on some very impressive
private schools
162
00:06:15,618 --> 00:06:17,555
in the area.
Here you go.
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00:06:17,589 --> 00:06:20,026
- NANDOR: Hmm?
- I'm just gonna put it down here.
164
00:06:20,060 --> 00:06:21,630
Well, you can forget this one.
Doesn't have a cricket field.
165
00:06:21,663 --> 00:06:24,034
- Or even a whipping post.
- Good point.
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00:06:24,068 --> 00:06:25,938
NADJA:
And what do you pose as a better solution?
167
00:06:25,972 --> 00:06:29,044
Well, I would say, um...
168
00:06:29,078 --> 00:06:32,552
Uh... this one looks good.
169
00:06:32,585 --> 00:06:34,154
- That's, uh, that's a receipt.
- Oh.
170
00:06:34,188 --> 00:06:36,158
- (Sean grunting)
- COLIN: Put me down, you idiot!
171
00:06:36,192 --> 00:06:38,029
- SEAN: Stop struggling, you little rascal.
- (Colin grunting)
172
00:06:38,062 --> 00:06:39,164
- Oh, no.
- Ugh. - COLIN: You hurt my stomach,
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00:06:39,198 --> 00:06:40,501
- you dummy.
- Good little guy.
174
00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:41,570
- NADJA: Baby Colin!
- Whoa.
175
00:06:41,603 --> 00:06:42,137
COLIN:
Nice try, asshole.
176
00:06:42,170 --> 00:06:43,874
My back.
177
00:06:43,908 --> 00:06:45,811
Little nephew found his way
over to my house again.
178
00:06:45,845 --> 00:06:47,080
I caught him in the garage,
179
00:06:47,114 --> 00:06:49,084
knocking, uh, holes
in the drywall
180
00:06:49,118 --> 00:06:51,523
- with a ball peen hammer.
- A thousand apologies to you, Sean.
181
00:06:51,556 --> 00:06:53,527
What's this? You sending the
little guy to private school?
182
00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:54,796
GUILLERMO:
Yeah, we're thinking about it.
183
00:06:54,829 --> 00:06:56,032
Oh. Well, you better add
184
00:06:56,065 --> 00:06:58,169
Helen Country Day School
to the list
185
00:06:58,202 --> 00:07:00,908
'cause you're talking
to an HCD grad right here.
186
00:07:00,942 --> 00:07:04,649
Really? Well, there you go.
That's where the boy shall go.
187
00:07:04,683 --> 00:07:05,885
Yeah, I can help you with that.
I happen to be
188
00:07:05,918 --> 00:07:07,555
very tight with the headmaster.
189
00:07:07,588 --> 00:07:09,058
Don't you think
that's a rather hasty decision?
190
00:07:09,091 --> 00:07:10,995
Sean went there,
and look how he's turned out.
191
00:07:11,028 --> 00:07:12,932
- Right.
- LASZLO: Tuck his trousers in and everything.
192
00:07:12,966 --> 00:07:16,740
I've never been more cocksure
of any decision in my life.
193
00:07:23,186 --> 00:07:24,889
Is everybody ready?
The headmaster's gonna be here
194
00:07:24,923 --> 00:07:26,627
in ten minutes!
195
00:07:26,660 --> 00:07:28,631
And remember, you're
just a regular human being
196
00:07:28,664 --> 00:07:30,501
who likes to do
regular human things.
197
00:07:30,534 --> 00:07:32,170
You are not a vampire,
198
00:07:32,204 --> 00:07:33,807
and if... Oh, no.
199
00:07:33,841 --> 00:07:36,680
Ta-da!
200
00:07:36,713 --> 00:07:38,517
Well...
201
00:07:38,550 --> 00:07:42,792
"A" for effort on the whole
looking human aspect, but no.
202
00:07:42,825 --> 00:07:44,963
- (Nadja sighs)
- Go upstairs and change into whatever your least vampirey
203
00:07:44,996 --> 00:07:46,900
vampire attire is.
204
00:07:46,933 --> 00:07:48,804
- But that is this.
- LASZLO: Yes. - GUILLERMO: That is this?
205
00:07:48,837 --> 00:07:51,543
- This is that.
- NADJA: Okay, try this.
206
00:07:51,576 --> 00:07:54,048
(American accent):
Oh, I love pizza so much.
207
00:07:54,081 --> 00:07:56,152
That's pretty good.
208
00:07:56,185 --> 00:07:58,524
- (Nadja chuckles)
- We have some water for...
209
00:07:58,557 --> 00:08:00,193
Wait, what happened?
I thought you were gonna change.
210
00:08:00,226 --> 00:08:01,930
(normal voice): I couldn't find
anything else to wear,
211
00:08:01,963 --> 00:08:03,534
- Guillermo. Just leave it.
- GUILLERMO: Okay, okay.
212
00:08:03,567 --> 00:08:05,070
It's fine. You look great.
Okay, let's do this.
213
00:08:05,103 --> 00:08:06,807
- (doorbell rings)
- Oh! Here they are.
214
00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:08,844
Now, don't you worry, big man.
You just do exactly
215
00:08:08,877 --> 00:08:09,946
- what we rehearsed, all right?
- COLIN: Mm-hmm.
216
00:08:09,979 --> 00:08:11,717
SEAN:
Guys, here he is.
217
00:08:11,750 --> 00:08:13,921
The man of the hour,
Headmaster Warren.
218
00:08:13,954 --> 00:08:15,691
- NANDOR: Hi.
- (Nadja chuckles) - SEAN (chuckles): Yeah.
219
00:08:15,725 --> 00:08:17,127
Now, back when I was in school,
220
00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:19,532
he was nothing
but a loser guidance counselor,
221
00:08:19,566 --> 00:08:21,202
but he really helped me
222
00:08:21,235 --> 00:08:24,174
set some more realistic goals
for college.
223
00:08:24,208 --> 00:08:25,811
A four-year program
isn't for everyone.
224
00:08:25,845 --> 00:08:29,218
But you turned out to be
a fine young man, Sean.
225
00:08:29,251 --> 00:08:31,823
- Talking of fine young men, uh...
- WARREN: Oh!
226
00:08:31,857 --> 00:08:33,961
- And this must be Colin.
- LASZLO: Go on.
227
00:08:33,994 --> 00:08:35,598
Hello, young man.
228
00:08:35,631 --> 00:08:38,102
It's my pleasure
to make your acquaintance, sir.
229
00:08:38,136 --> 00:08:39,839
- And guess what?
- What's that?
230
00:08:39,873 --> 00:08:43,079
I'm a remarkable smart lad
who can sing and dance,
231
00:08:43,112 --> 00:08:45,618
and I never watch YouTube,
232
00:08:45,651 --> 00:08:47,688
- and I never pound holes in the wall using a hammer.
- LASZLO: Ah!
233
00:08:47,722 --> 00:08:49,224
- Okay! (laughs)
- LASZLO: Off you go, Colin.
234
00:08:49,258 --> 00:08:50,895
I think we've had
enough of that.
235
00:08:50,928 --> 00:08:52,598
- It's your bedtime, I think.
- GUILLERMO: Please.
236
00:08:52,632 --> 00:08:54,703
- Please, take a seat.
- Oh, out of the mouths of babes.
237
00:08:54,736 --> 00:08:58,209
- NADJA: Oh, so human of him. (chuckles)
- NANDOR: Yes.
238
00:08:58,242 --> 00:09:00,614
WARREN:
So, uh, my apologies
239
00:09:00,648 --> 00:09:01,850
for not being fully up to speed,
240
00:09:01,883 --> 00:09:05,123
but, uh,
who exactly are the parents?
241
00:09:05,156 --> 00:09:07,628
Uh...
242
00:09:07,662 --> 00:09:08,964
- LASZLO: Yeah.
- NADJA: Uh...
243
00:09:09,899 --> 00:09:12,037
When I click my fingers,
244
00:09:12,070 --> 00:09:14,274
you will enter
a trancelike state
245
00:09:14,308 --> 00:09:17,013
where you will hear nothing
or see nothing.
246
00:09:17,047 --> 00:09:19,118
I will then click my fingers
once more,
247
00:09:19,151 --> 00:09:21,155
and you will regain consciousness,
248
00:09:21,188 --> 00:09:23,761
remembering nothing
of this pause.
249
00:09:23,794 --> 00:09:26,867
- (snaps fingers)
- We really should have figured this out before they came.
250
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:28,637
Who are we gonna say
the parents are?
251
00:09:28,670 --> 00:09:30,273
Let's just say that I'm the
mother and you are the father.
252
00:09:30,306 --> 00:09:32,144
- Good idea.
- LASZLO: That won't work, my darling.
253
00:09:32,177 --> 00:09:34,148
- I've already told him I'm the boy's uncle.
- Shit.
254
00:09:34,181 --> 00:09:36,118
Fine, I will be the father.
255
00:09:36,152 --> 00:09:37,655
- Looking like that?
- Yes.
256
00:09:37,688 --> 00:09:39,124
- Better than nothing.
- Well, look at him.
257
00:09:39,158 --> 00:09:40,895
- NADJA: Laszlo, get over it!
- LASZLO: Come on.
258
00:09:40,928 --> 00:09:42,899
- NADJA: Ouch! Nandor. (clears throat)
- Sorry.
259
00:09:42,932 --> 00:09:44,034
- (snaps fingers)
- (laughs)
260
00:09:44,067 --> 00:09:46,005
Yes, hello.
261
00:09:46,038 --> 00:09:48,009
We are Colin's parents.
I am Nadja.
262
00:09:48,042 --> 00:09:49,879
I carried him to full term.
263
00:09:49,913 --> 00:09:52,819
Yes, and I am Matthew.
264
00:09:52,852 --> 00:09:55,624
Well, I'd love to ask you
a few questions
265
00:09:55,658 --> 00:09:57,695
- about yourselves and Colin.
- NANDOR: Mm.
266
00:09:57,728 --> 00:09:59,198
Yes, and we can answer
those questions
267
00:09:59,231 --> 00:10:01,335
because we are very much
Colin's parents.
268
00:10:01,368 --> 00:10:02,738
- (chuckles)
- NANDOR: Yes.
269
00:10:02,772 --> 00:10:04,274
And I am Matthew.
270
00:10:04,308 --> 00:10:05,811
Okay.
271
00:10:05,845 --> 00:10:08,015
- So, uh, let's get into it.
- (zipper rasps)
272
00:10:08,049 --> 00:10:10,888
How old is Colin?
273
00:10:10,921 --> 00:10:12,758
- Twelve.
- Forty-two.
274
00:10:12,792 --> 00:10:14,328
- Sixteen.
- One.
275
00:10:14,361 --> 00:10:15,965
- (whispers): He's nine years old.
- Nine!
276
00:10:15,998 --> 00:10:17,802
- ♪ He's nine. ♪
- Nine.
277
00:10:17,835 --> 00:10:19,639
Okay, great.
(chuckles)
278
00:10:19,672 --> 00:10:22,377
Is everybody going to be staying
for this next part, as well?
279
00:10:22,410 --> 00:10:24,081
I mean, usually,
280
00:10:24,114 --> 00:10:25,818
- it's only the...
- (snaps fingers) - NADJA: I think
281
00:10:25,851 --> 00:10:27,387
he thinks it's weird that
it's not just me and Nandor.
282
00:10:27,420 --> 00:10:28,924
- Matthew.
- LASZLO: I think it's weird
283
00:10:28,957 --> 00:10:30,393
he wants you two alone
in a room.
284
00:10:30,426 --> 00:10:32,130
Well, if everyone's staying,
then I should stay, too.
285
00:10:32,164 --> 00:10:33,366
- You know, for human guidance.
- (Nadja groans)
286
00:10:33,399 --> 00:10:34,803
Fine. I will fix this.
287
00:10:34,836 --> 00:10:36,640
- (clears throat)
- (snaps fingers)
288
00:10:36,673 --> 00:10:38,944
- (Nadja chuckles)
- ...uh, parents
289
00:10:38,977 --> 00:10:41,348
- who do the interview.
- NADJA: Good point, yes.
290
00:10:41,382 --> 00:10:43,787
But I would like to say
that we're all going to stay
291
00:10:43,821 --> 00:10:45,691
because we very much think
of everyone
292
00:10:45,724 --> 00:10:47,695
- in this room as members of the family.
- NANDOR: Mm-hmm.
293
00:10:47,728 --> 00:10:49,732
So, please, meet our butler
294
00:10:49,766 --> 00:10:53,105
- and our groundskeeper.
- I'm the groundskeeper, by the way. Ha!
295
00:10:53,139 --> 00:10:56,412
(chuckles): Okay, then.
One big, happy family.
296
00:10:56,445 --> 00:10:58,282
Everyone helps out here.
297
00:10:58,316 --> 00:11:01,121
- There's a lot of love in this family.
- NANDOR: Mm.
298
00:11:01,155 --> 00:11:02,390
In fact, there's so much love,
299
00:11:02,424 --> 00:11:03,727
apparently,
you're with Nandor now
300
00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:05,230
and Laz doesn't mind?
301
00:11:05,263 --> 00:11:07,267
(chuckles): I mean,
you know, it's no judgment.
302
00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:08,971
What's the word
for what you guys are? It's...
303
00:11:09,004 --> 00:11:10,808
- Polyamorous?
- SEAN: Oh,
304
00:11:10,841 --> 00:11:12,110
I was thinking filthy hippies,
305
00:11:12,143 --> 00:11:13,847
but, uh, like I said,
no judgement.
306
00:11:13,881 --> 00:11:15,718
- Right, Mr. Warren?
- (snaps fingers)
307
00:11:15,751 --> 00:11:17,822
- NADJA: Fuck's sake.
- Of course this is a disaster.
308
00:11:17,855 --> 00:11:19,993
- He knows we're married, my darling.
- NADJA: Let's just say
309
00:11:20,026 --> 00:11:21,963
that I am the mother
and Laszlo is the father.
310
00:11:21,997 --> 00:11:24,268
- Who am I going to be?
- You're the groundskeeper now.
311
00:11:24,301 --> 00:11:25,838
- Keep up.
- (Nandor groans) - GUILLERMO: Come on.
312
00:11:25,871 --> 00:11:27,875
- Go, go, go, go, go. Careful.
- I can see.
313
00:11:27,909 --> 00:11:29,879
Careful, the camera. Stop. No.
314
00:11:29,913 --> 00:11:32,284
- Stop. Ready.
- Okay?
315
00:11:32,317 --> 00:11:34,756
- (snaps fingers)
- (Nadja laughs)
316
00:11:34,789 --> 00:11:37,260
WARREN:
So, uh...
317
00:11:37,294 --> 00:11:39,298
I'm sorry. Uh...
(chuckles)
318
00:11:39,331 --> 00:11:41,870
- Where was I?
- NANDOR: I don't know.
319
00:11:41,903 --> 00:11:44,976
I am just Matthew,
the groundskeeper.
320
00:11:50,788 --> 00:11:51,957
(Nadja crying)
321
00:11:51,990 --> 00:11:53,426
And there Colin was,
322
00:11:53,459 --> 00:11:55,831
just perched
on the top of the tree
323
00:11:55,864 --> 00:11:58,035
like a little snake.
324
00:11:58,069 --> 00:12:00,106
But not a snake.
(sniffles)
325
00:12:00,139 --> 00:12:01,442
A real human baby.
326
00:12:01,475 --> 00:12:04,381
Very normal human baby.
327
00:12:04,414 --> 00:12:05,985
And we had no choice
328
00:12:06,018 --> 00:12:09,157
but to, um, take him in, crying.
329
00:12:09,191 --> 00:12:10,861
That is very odd.
330
00:12:12,030 --> 00:12:13,533
- But really quite beautiful.
- NADJA: Yeah.
331
00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:14,802
WARREN:
We consider it a positive
332
00:12:14,836 --> 00:12:16,405
to support family structures
333
00:12:16,438 --> 00:12:19,044
that at one time
might have seemed unorthodox.
334
00:12:19,077 --> 00:12:21,750
In fact, I'd venture to say
335
00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:26,125
we have families
far less traditional than yours.
336
00:12:26,158 --> 00:12:28,797
- (snaps fingers)
- Shit. We aren't different enough.
337
00:12:28,830 --> 00:12:30,466
We need
a weirder family structure.
338
00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:32,070
The more unorthodox we are,
339
00:12:32,103 --> 00:12:33,774
the more chance we have
of getting him in.
340
00:12:33,807 --> 00:12:35,410
No, I think we're doing fine
with the adoption angle.
341
00:12:35,443 --> 00:12:37,180
- We need to be gay.
- (Nadja gasps)
342
00:12:37,213 --> 00:12:39,852
No, there's plenty
of gay parents out there.
343
00:12:39,886 --> 00:12:41,823
Trust me. Gay is in.
344
00:12:41,856 --> 00:12:43,994
Gay is hot. I want some gay.
345
00:12:44,027 --> 00:12:45,898
Gay it's gonna be. Nandor?
346
00:12:45,931 --> 00:12:48,402
- (snaps fingers)
- As you can see, we're Colin's two dads.
347
00:12:48,436 --> 00:12:52,077
Wonderful. You know,
our school is quite proud
348
00:12:52,110 --> 00:12:54,081
of our acceptance
of family structures
349
00:12:54,114 --> 00:12:56,251
- that at one time might...
- Yeah, can I stop you there?
350
00:12:56,285 --> 00:12:58,957
You need to know that we're
very gay for each other.
351
00:12:58,991 --> 00:13:00,226
NANDOR:
Completely gay.
352
00:13:00,259 --> 00:13:02,330
We are like
two French trombones.
353
00:13:02,364 --> 00:13:04,936
And this guy?
I ream him nightly.
354
00:13:04,969 --> 00:13:06,405
NANDOR:
And I'm always sucking him off.
355
00:13:06,438 --> 00:13:08,142
They are like,
"Come, it's dinner!
356
00:13:08,175 --> 00:13:10,146
Stop sucking off
your gay husband!"
357
00:13:10,179 --> 00:13:12,852
(chuckles) Which is amusing,
'cause I am dinner.
358
00:13:12,885 --> 00:13:15,156
- And I just carry on reaming him.
- (whispering): Nadja. Nadja.
359
00:13:15,189 --> 00:13:17,360
Sexually.
You must understand that.
360
00:13:17,394 --> 00:13:20,333
Hey! You got a problem
with these guys being gay?
361
00:13:20,366 --> 00:13:22,003
- I will ream you.
- (normal voice): No.
362
00:13:22,037 --> 00:13:24,041
- No, I don't have a problem.
- SEAN: You better not.
363
00:13:24,074 --> 00:13:25,844
'Cause I don't mess
with homophobes.
364
00:13:25,878 --> 00:13:27,280
- It's the 20th century now.
- Thank you for that, Sean.
365
00:13:27,314 --> 00:13:29,151
- Well said.
- Please just freeze them. Okay?
366
00:13:29,184 --> 00:13:30,854
- Oh, for fuck's sake. (snaps fingers)
- Appreciated.
367
00:13:30,888 --> 00:13:32,558
What'd you do that for?
That was going great.
368
00:13:32,591 --> 00:13:34,461
If you're gonna do this,
just hold hands and act normal.
369
00:13:34,494 --> 00:13:37,400
Stop talking about
your explicit sexual activities.
370
00:13:37,434 --> 00:13:39,104
- LASZLO: Why?
- Jealous.
371
00:13:39,137 --> 00:13:40,507
(snaps fingers)
372
00:13:40,541 --> 00:13:42,077
Y-Your relationship aside,
373
00:13:42,110 --> 00:13:44,214
could you tell me
a little bit about Colin?
374
00:13:44,247 --> 00:13:46,352
Oh, yes. Yes, they can.
375
00:13:46,385 --> 00:13:48,089
Yes.
376
00:13:48,122 --> 00:13:49,625
We can.
377
00:13:49,659 --> 00:13:52,163
LASZLO:
Yeah. Um, Colin is a...
378
00:13:52,197 --> 00:13:54,067
- NANDOR: Um...
- LASZLO: Yes.
379
00:13:54,101 --> 00:13:55,403
- Give us a minute.
- WARREN: Okay.
380
00:13:55,436 --> 00:13:57,173
Colin...
381
00:13:57,207 --> 00:13:59,411
- He...
- LASZLO: Colin...
382
00:13:59,444 --> 00:14:03,486
- Uh...
- Colin is a bright and energetic boy
383
00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:05,023
who's eager to make friends.
384
00:14:05,056 --> 00:14:06,893
His favorite number is 31.
385
00:14:06,926 --> 00:14:08,462
His favorite color is brown,
386
00:14:08,496 --> 00:14:11,536
and he loves both classic stage
and movie musicals.
387
00:14:11,569 --> 00:14:15,176
- He's actually quite a gifted singer and performer himself.
- WARREN: Wow.
388
00:14:15,209 --> 00:14:17,213
For a non-parental figure,
389
00:14:17,247 --> 00:14:19,484
- you sure seem to know a lot about Colin.
- (Nadja snaps fingers)
390
00:14:19,519 --> 00:14:21,589
You bragging about all your
Colin Robinson knowledge
391
00:14:21,623 --> 00:14:23,459
is making all of us
look like skata.
392
00:14:23,492 --> 00:14:25,597
But no one was saying anything,
so I had to say something.
393
00:14:25,631 --> 00:14:27,467
Now he's going to think we're
those absentee parent types
394
00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:28,970
who know nothing
about their children
395
00:14:29,004 --> 00:14:30,473
and let the nanny
do all the work.
396
00:14:30,507 --> 00:14:33,012
- Yeah, well, you are.
- NADJA: Fine.
397
00:14:33,045 --> 00:14:35,149
You want to be king
of Baby Colin Robinson?
398
00:14:35,183 --> 00:14:37,353
- (Nadja snaps fingers)
- GUILLERMO: So, has it been hard
399
00:14:37,387 --> 00:14:40,293
raising Colin alone by myself
400
00:14:40,326 --> 00:14:43,365
as a single parent? Yeah.
401
00:14:43,399 --> 00:14:44,902
Perhaps that's why
we're so close.
402
00:14:44,936 --> 00:14:47,541
We only have each other
in this cold,
403
00:14:47,575 --> 00:14:50,146
- scary world.
- NANDOR: Could I interest you in some
404
00:14:50,179 --> 00:14:52,350
refreshments? Uh...
405
00:14:52,383 --> 00:14:53,687
Potato chips, some eggs,
406
00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:55,524
cigarette,
or perhaps a nice, ripe
407
00:14:55,557 --> 00:14:57,895
banana.
408
00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:00,567
WARREN:
Uh...
409
00:15:00,601 --> 00:15:02,638
- Did that upset you?
- I'm sorry, what?
410
00:15:02,671 --> 00:15:05,176
WARREN:
Well, you look a little, uh, surprised, or maybe
411
00:15:05,209 --> 00:15:06,613
troubled by what
412
00:15:06,646 --> 00:15:08,115
- Guillermo just said.
- NANDOR: No.
413
00:15:08,149 --> 00:15:10,319
That's just... allergies.
414
00:15:10,353 --> 00:15:12,691
This is how I look
when I get my allergies.
415
00:15:12,725 --> 00:15:14,595
(stifled sneeze)
416
00:15:14,629 --> 00:15:16,465
WARREN:
You know, one of the parents at our school is a
417
00:15:16,498 --> 00:15:18,937
top-notch allergist. I could
put you in touch with him.
418
00:15:18,970 --> 00:15:20,273
- Yes.
- WARREN: A very nice family.
419
00:15:20,306 --> 00:15:23,446
Uh, his wife
is a wonderful actress,
420
00:15:23,479 --> 00:15:25,984
but it wouldn't be appropriate
for me to mention her name.
421
00:15:26,018 --> 00:15:27,555
- Absolutely, no.
- SEAN: Oh, go ahead.
422
00:15:27,588 --> 00:15:29,024
- Tell us.
- No, no. - (overlapping chatter)
423
00:15:29,057 --> 00:15:30,126
SEAN:
Come on.
424
00:15:30,159 --> 00:15:31,529
Let's just say that you would
425
00:15:31,563 --> 00:15:34,502
recognize her from...
426
00:15:34,535 --> 00:15:37,307
more than a few episodes
of Law & Order.
427
00:15:37,340 --> 00:15:38,977
Law & Order.
I was going to say...
428
00:15:39,010 --> 00:15:40,113
NADJA:
(snaps fingers) Okay.
429
00:15:40,146 --> 00:15:41,248
I know what's going on here.
430
00:15:41,281 --> 00:15:43,252
It's as clear as day.
431
00:15:43,285 --> 00:15:45,991
This motherfucker
is a starfucker.
432
00:15:46,024 --> 00:15:48,195
What? No, I don't think
that's what he meant.
433
00:15:48,229 --> 00:15:49,966
NADJA:
Yes, that is what these schools want.
434
00:15:49,999 --> 00:15:51,603
They want the famous parents,
so they can be like,
435
00:15:51,636 --> 00:15:53,974
(mumbles) "I couldn't possibly
436
00:15:54,007 --> 00:15:55,276
"say anything, but
437
00:15:55,309 --> 00:15:57,080
"Lionel fucking Barrymore's kids
438
00:15:57,113 --> 00:15:59,451
might just go here." (mumbles)
439
00:15:59,484 --> 00:16:02,725
Nadja's right. He fucks stars.
440
00:16:02,758 --> 00:16:04,394
Where can we find
a celebrity, and fast?
441
00:16:04,427 --> 00:16:06,131
LASZLO:
Well, this is Staten Island,
442
00:16:06,165 --> 00:16:09,739
which is a veritable playground
for the glitterati.
443
00:16:09,772 --> 00:16:12,143
(Nadja laughs)
444
00:16:12,177 --> 00:16:13,445
This way.
445
00:16:13,479 --> 00:16:15,517
So, yeah, as long as
it's SAG minimum,
446
00:16:15,551 --> 00:16:17,086
I'm down for anything.
447
00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:18,088
Who's this guy?
448
00:16:18,122 --> 00:16:20,126
Shut up. (clears throat)
449
00:16:20,159 --> 00:16:21,563
(laughs)
450
00:16:21,596 --> 00:16:23,633
It is actually very interesting
you say that
451
00:16:23,667 --> 00:16:26,171
because, uh,
Colin's father here, Mr...
452
00:16:26,205 --> 00:16:28,209
Sal Vulcano,
453
00:16:28,242 --> 00:16:30,714
is a very famous actor also.
454
00:16:30,747 --> 00:16:33,485
I wouldn't consider
what I do acting, but...
455
00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:35,423
LASZLO:
This is Colin's father,
456
00:16:35,456 --> 00:16:39,097
you know, the guy from
Incomprehensible Jesters.
457
00:16:39,130 --> 00:16:41,401
- Impractical Jokers...
- Nobody cares.
458
00:16:41,435 --> 00:16:43,105
Just sit there silent.
459
00:16:43,138 --> 00:16:45,276
So, Sal here is Colin's father?
460
00:16:45,309 --> 00:16:46,345
- NADJA: Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
461
00:16:46,378 --> 00:16:48,249
Or...
462
00:16:48,282 --> 00:16:51,021
(chuckles) I'm sorry,
it's been a long day,
463
00:16:51,054 --> 00:16:53,058
and my memory
isn't what it once was.
464
00:16:53,092 --> 00:16:54,394
(laughter)
465
00:16:54,427 --> 00:16:57,033
Whoa. Who the hell is that guy?
466
00:16:58,737 --> 00:17:01,576
- It is me, Nandor.
- SEAN: Oh, no, no.
467
00:17:01,609 --> 00:17:03,045
You're not Nandor.
468
00:17:03,078 --> 00:17:04,549
Okay, fine, fine,
I am not Nandor.
469
00:17:04,582 --> 00:17:06,786
I am... Adolfo,
470
00:17:06,819 --> 00:17:08,422
the butler or some shit.
471
00:17:08,455 --> 00:17:10,192
- Yeah, all right.
- Right.
472
00:17:10,226 --> 00:17:13,365
So... who exactly
are the parents here?
473
00:17:13,399 --> 00:17:15,637
- (laughs) Shit.
- (snaps fingers)
474
00:17:15,671 --> 00:17:18,610
Uh... I'm not sure I get
the joke of the bit.
475
00:17:18,643 --> 00:17:21,114
- (neck cracks)
- (grunts) Laszlo!
476
00:17:21,148 --> 00:17:22,450
- (muffled scream)
- Woops.
477
00:17:22,483 --> 00:17:23,452
LASZLO:
Prick was getting on my nerves
478
00:17:23,485 --> 00:17:24,454
with his jibber-jabber.
479
00:17:24,487 --> 00:17:26,191
We'll drain him later.
480
00:17:26,225 --> 00:17:27,728
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
If you can hypnotize them
481
00:17:27,761 --> 00:17:29,565
for them to freeze
and forget everything,
482
00:17:29,599 --> 00:17:31,569
wouldn't it be easier to just
hypnotize Headmaster Warren
483
00:17:31,603 --> 00:17:33,205
into allowing Colin
484
00:17:33,239 --> 00:17:35,443
into the school
without all this play-acting?
485
00:17:35,476 --> 00:17:37,447
Did this bitch
486
00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:38,850
just say what I think he said?
487
00:17:38,883 --> 00:17:40,787
- He did.
- Are you off your tits, boy?
488
00:17:40,821 --> 00:17:42,858
- What?
- NANDOR: He is. - NADJA: Exactly.
489
00:17:42,891 --> 00:17:44,762
We are in far too deep
now, baby.
490
00:17:44,795 --> 00:17:46,331
The only way forward
491
00:17:46,365 --> 00:17:48,670
is to stick to the plan.
492
00:17:49,271 --> 00:17:51,743
NADJA:
Little Colin has so many hobbies,
493
00:17:51,776 --> 00:17:53,580
it's just very hard
to keep track.
494
00:17:53,613 --> 00:17:56,218
Yeah, he definitely loves
his big little head, you know?
495
00:17:56,251 --> 00:17:57,655
It's always bobbling all around.
496
00:17:57,688 --> 00:17:59,659
- Like yours, honey.
- (laughs)
497
00:17:59,692 --> 00:18:01,796
This one and that one,
they're all bobbling.
498
00:18:02,564 --> 00:18:04,502
DOLL NADJA:
The pain of childbirth is nothing
499
00:18:04,535 --> 00:18:06,438
compared to the pain
of child rearing.
500
00:18:06,471 --> 00:18:08,142
That's beautifully said.
501
00:18:08,175 --> 00:18:10,514
It's definitely not easy
being a single mother,
502
00:18:10,547 --> 00:18:13,118
but I love Baby Colin, my son.
503
00:18:13,152 --> 00:18:16,224
What the actual fuck is that?
Is that a talking doll?
504
00:18:17,661 --> 00:18:19,464
So, um, please to tell me
a little bit
505
00:18:19,497 --> 00:18:21,168
about Colin's hobbies?
506
00:18:21,201 --> 00:18:22,337
Who is Colin?
507
00:18:22,370 --> 00:18:25,242
Colin is our son, my darling.
508
00:18:25,744 --> 00:18:27,447
LASZLO:
Just to be clear, old-timer,
509
00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:29,317
I'm not always the sucker,
and he's
510
00:18:29,351 --> 00:18:30,520
not always the reamer.
511
00:18:30,554 --> 00:18:32,156
Though, he does ream me nightly.
512
00:18:32,190 --> 00:18:34,461
Adolfo, you dirty dog.
513
00:18:34,494 --> 00:18:36,899
Wait a second, haven't we
already done this one?
514
00:18:36,933 --> 00:18:38,803
Hello.
515
00:18:41,509 --> 00:18:42,845
- LASZLO: Seany!
- OTHERS: Hey!
516
00:18:42,878 --> 00:18:44,247
Yo, Lasz.
517
00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:46,418
(skunk chittering)
518
00:18:46,451 --> 00:18:48,757
You know what?
I'm not doing this.
519
00:18:48,790 --> 00:18:50,126
- (Laszlo sighs)
- GUILLERMO: Baby.
520
00:18:51,696 --> 00:18:54,735
I'm sorry to cut this short,
but my head is killing me.
521
00:18:54,769 --> 00:18:57,608
Oh, you, too? I got, like,
the mother of all migraines.
522
00:18:57,641 --> 00:18:59,144
- (chuckles)
- WARREN: Anyway, it's been
523
00:18:59,177 --> 00:19:01,716
a most informative evening.
(chuckles)
524
00:19:01,749 --> 00:19:03,653
So, uh, do you have
Colin's transcripts?
525
00:19:03,687 --> 00:19:06,693
What? (stammers) What's that?
526
00:19:06,726 --> 00:19:09,264
His transcripts
from his previous school.
527
00:19:09,297 --> 00:19:11,234
- He's never been to school...
- I'll have them sent over tomorrow.
528
00:19:16,679 --> 00:19:18,550
GUILLERMO: So, yeah,
I pulled a few strings to get
529
00:19:18,583 --> 00:19:21,221
the guidance counselor
from my old school to work up
530
00:19:21,254 --> 00:19:22,725
a fake transcript
for Baby Colin.
531
00:19:22,758 --> 00:19:24,361
You know, not really happy
about dipping
532
00:19:24,394 --> 00:19:25,831
into the nightclub fund for it,
533
00:19:25,864 --> 00:19:27,400
or the whole bribery thing
in general,
534
00:19:27,433 --> 00:19:28,770
but it's what's best
for the child.
535
00:19:28,803 --> 00:19:31,576
Anyways, uh, I'm gonna go
for a little walk,
536
00:19:31,609 --> 00:19:34,481
and I'll catch you guys
back at the house, okay?
537
00:19:40,761 --> 00:19:43,566
(car beeps)
538
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:45,670
(muffled music playing)
539
00:19:46,806 --> 00:19:48,475
(music stops)
540
00:19:48,510 --> 00:19:50,580
(speaking Spanish)
541
00:19:56,692 --> 00:19:58,362
You take care of that,
all right?
542
00:19:58,395 --> 00:20:00,600
(speaking Spanish)
543
00:20:08,482 --> 00:20:11,321
Hey, guys.
544
00:20:11,354 --> 00:20:13,593
Uh, what's up? (laughs)
545
00:20:13,626 --> 00:20:16,398
I thought we wrapped for me,
I was wrapped for the day.
546
00:20:16,431 --> 00:20:18,268
This isn't what it looks like.
547
00:20:18,302 --> 00:20:20,372
I mean, sure, yes,
I've had, you know,
548
00:20:20,406 --> 00:20:21,876
access to more cash lately,
549
00:20:21,909 --> 00:20:23,813
ever since I became
the bookkeeper for the club,
550
00:20:23,847 --> 00:20:25,416
but...
551
00:20:26,819 --> 00:20:28,723
I know I shouldn't be stealing
552
00:20:28,757 --> 00:20:30,292
from the club,
and I'm not stealing.
553
00:20:30,326 --> 00:20:31,461
I was just putting
some cash aside
554
00:20:31,495 --> 00:20:32,931
to pay myself.
555
00:20:32,965 --> 00:20:34,334
It's not even about me.
556
00:20:34,367 --> 00:20:35,737
It's about family, okay?
557
00:20:35,771 --> 00:20:37,908
I just happen to have
two families
558
00:20:37,941 --> 00:20:39,545
I got to take care of, huh?
559
00:20:39,578 --> 00:20:41,014
Just like you have a family.
560
00:20:41,047 --> 00:20:43,419
No?
561
00:20:43,452 --> 00:20:45,657
I'll put it right there.
562
00:20:49,030 --> 00:20:50,466
No takers?
563
00:20:50,499 --> 00:20:52,036
LASZLO:
Pick it up, lad!
564
00:20:52,069 --> 00:20:53,573
That's it.
565
00:20:53,606 --> 00:20:55,042
- Come on. Baby!
- NANDOR: Power through.
566
00:20:55,075 --> 00:20:57,413
- Oh!
- This is embarrassing.
567
00:20:57,447 --> 00:20:59,451
These kids need to watch
some more Dream Team footage
568
00:20:59,484 --> 00:21:00,754
and then play like that.
569
00:21:00,787 --> 00:21:02,056
- Shut up bitching.
- (hisses)
570
00:21:02,089 --> 00:21:03,693
LASZLO:
He's doing a marvelous job.
571
00:21:03,726 --> 00:21:04,795
NADJA:
Well, after all our hard work,
572
00:21:04,829 --> 00:21:06,632
Baby Colin did not get accepted.
573
00:21:06,666 --> 00:21:09,672
Apparently, Headmaster Warren
suffered a massive stroke
574
00:21:09,705 --> 00:21:11,542
only hours
after meeting up with us.
575
00:21:11,576 --> 00:21:13,412
The reason for that is
most human beings
576
00:21:13,445 --> 00:21:15,550
can only take
seven hypnoses per hour.
577
00:21:15,584 --> 00:21:18,422
That man went through 428.
578
00:21:18,455 --> 00:21:20,426
So we didn't have to start
all over again,
579
00:21:20,459 --> 00:21:22,396
we decided to enroll Baby Colin
580
00:21:22,430 --> 00:21:24,367
in every community sports league
581
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:25,469
we could think of.
582
00:21:25,504 --> 00:21:27,073
The volleyballs, softballs...
583
00:21:27,106 --> 00:21:29,310
- LASZLO: And large balls.
- NADJA: Baseballs,
584
00:21:29,344 --> 00:21:30,379
sports balls...
585
00:21:30,412 --> 00:21:32,350
Human stuff.
586
00:21:32,383 --> 00:21:33,987
They're obsessed with balls.
587
00:21:34,020 --> 00:21:36,057
Kill them! Kill them dead!
588
00:21:36,091 --> 00:21:39,698
- Don't you think we might be pushing him a little too hard?
- No.
589
00:21:39,732 --> 00:21:41,502
This is essential
for his college application.
590
00:21:41,536 --> 00:21:42,938
Plus, he's having a great time.
591
00:21:42,971 --> 00:21:45,376
NANDOR:
Put it in the basket!
592
00:21:45,409 --> 00:21:46,679
(cheering)
593
00:21:46,712 --> 00:21:48,448
That's my boy!
594
00:21:48,482 --> 00:21:50,319
- NADJA: Yes, Colin!
- LASZLO: Time for hockey.
595
00:21:50,352 --> 00:21:51,421
Okay.
596
00:21:52,925 --> 00:21:54,929
NADJA:
And now, finally, the boy's
597
00:21:54,962 --> 00:21:57,701
too tired
to be such a little shit.
598
00:22:00,507 --> 00:22:02,711
NANDOR:
So, ultimately, I realized
599
00:22:02,744 --> 00:22:05,784
I have been completely
ruining my life
600
00:22:05,817 --> 00:22:06,786
and my face.
601
00:22:06,819 --> 00:22:08,857
What is ironical is that
602
00:22:08,890 --> 00:22:10,827
I was only doing this
to make myself
603
00:22:10,861 --> 00:22:12,998
look better for my wife Marwa.
604
00:22:13,031 --> 00:22:15,469
This was for her, not for me.
605
00:22:15,504 --> 00:22:17,073
So, back to one?
606
00:22:17,106 --> 00:22:18,442
NANDOR:
Yes,
607
00:22:18,475 --> 00:22:20,412
if you would be so kind.
608
00:22:20,446 --> 00:22:21,582
I live to serve.
609
00:22:21,616 --> 00:22:22,985
NANDOR:
Yes, you do.
610
00:22:23,018 --> 00:22:24,655
Oh!
611
00:22:27,393 --> 00:22:28,663
Kind of tickled.
612
00:22:28,696 --> 00:22:30,432
- I say, Nandor...
- NANDOR: Yeah?
613
00:22:30,466 --> 00:22:32,905
...you really need to quit
with the plastic surgery.
614
00:22:32,938 --> 00:22:33,907
You look insane.
615
00:22:33,940 --> 00:22:36,444
Ha, ha. Very funny, Laszlo.
616
00:22:36,478 --> 00:22:38,148
- No reaming for you tonight.
- Oh.
617
00:22:38,181 --> 00:22:40,887
No reaming, no sucking,
no tickling,
618
00:22:40,921 --> 00:22:42,658
- no fingering, no fucking.
- (chuckles)
619
00:22:42,691 --> 00:22:44,828
And don't even think about
scritchy-scratching
620
00:22:44,862 --> 00:22:47,433
on my door like
a little horny squirrel.
621
00:22:47,466 --> 00:22:49,505
You can bury your own nuts.
622
00:22:49,538 --> 00:22:51,609
♪ ♪
623
00:22:57,621 --> 00:22:58,790
GUILLERMO:
Tonight's take.
624
00:22:58,823 --> 00:23:01,061
Oh, and a very good night indeed.
625
00:23:02,898 --> 00:23:04,568
It's all there.
626
00:23:04,602 --> 00:23:07,373
- Thank you, Guillermo.
- Okay. Yeah, you're welcome.
627
00:23:15,189 --> 00:23:16,424
(sighs)
628
00:23:16,458 --> 00:23:19,097
This is not what it looks like.
629
00:23:19,130 --> 00:23:21,802
No. It's exactly
what it looks like.
630
00:23:21,836 --> 00:23:23,138
- (laughs)
- Oh, um,
631
00:23:23,171 --> 00:23:24,642
if you tell anyone this,
632
00:23:24,675 --> 00:23:26,779
I will kill you
and your entire family,
633
00:23:26,812 --> 00:23:28,683
and I will invite all your
friends to their funeral,
634
00:23:28,716 --> 00:23:31,989
and then I'll kill all of them,
too, so... your choice.
635
00:23:32,023 --> 00:23:33,927
♪ ♪
636
00:23:33,977 --> 00:23:38,527
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