All language subtitles for Simon

[ Whimsical music plays ]

Narrator:
It is not generally known

that many of the strange
and alarming trends

observed in this country
in recent years

were not random occurrences,

coincidences,
or so-called acts of god,

but are, in fact,
directly traceable

to this group of men --
five of the most brilliant

and twisted geniuses
in america,

perhaps in the entire world --

living and working together,
isolated, protected,

and funded
by a government contract

so brilliantly incomprehensible
that no one,

even at the highest
Washington levels,

knew its real activities.

This group, in the name
of free scientific inquiry,

perpetrated a series
of scenarios so sinister,

so bizarre,
and so childishly perverse,

that rational men argue
that the civilization

which had come so far
in so short a time

was finally collapsing.

Dr. Carl Becker,
director of the institute.

Excuse me, Dr. Becker?

Oh, yes?

How did the five of you meet?

We were all sent out
here some years ago

by someone who thought
it would be a good idea

for the best minds
to be put together

in a good environment
with unlimited funds.

And what were you all
supposed to do?

Oh, think.

A think tank.
What about?

The usual --
you know, the food shortage,

ecology, energy,
that sort of thing.

We were supposed
to save the world.

What went wrong?

Nothing went wrong.

We just got into more
interesting material.

That's all.

More interesting material.
What kind of material?

Oh, a little this,
a little that.

Hundertwasser
does all of our media work.

Uh, this device
allows US to jam

all the Nielsen boxes
in the country.

I see. You're talking about
the television rating system.

That's right. We've been doing
that for the past six years.

We substitute
our own information,

using microwaves
from roving vans.

Mmm.

You see that?
Total environment control.

The entire country?
That sounds impossible.

Well, it's not
that difficult.

Uh, we pick a show at random

and feed a winning share
into the Nielsen boxes,

like, uh...
You got a minute?

See? "Donny & Marie
hefty 60 share --

audience of 70 million."

Now, we happen to know
that on that night,

there were only 1,200 people
in the entire country

who watched that particular
show, not 70 million.

Well, that's amazing.

That's right. The important
thing to remember

is that Nielsen is totally
wrong about everything.

Dr. Barundi conceived
and worked with the Chinese

on the Nixon
substitution scenario.

The Nixon
substitution scenario?

What was that exactly?

The Nixon who
entered China in 1972

was not the one
we sent back.

Fichander -- chemistry,
biology, and pharmaceuticals.

Uh, I have
some things here.

We're into several
areas, actually --

viruses, some phage cloning,

DNA, crystalline diffraction.

Ahh.

I did the new
penicillin-resisting

gonorrhea strain
a few years ago, remember?

It was in all the papers.
Nobody could figure it out.

And Van dongen is doing
some very nice stuff

with genetics and adaptation.

Genetically speaking,
man is very unstable.

He's sort of an inferior
product of nature.

Genes are vulnerable

to a variety
of outside influences --

to radiation,
chemicals, stress.

On the other hand,
certain insects --

the common roach,
for instance --

are very resistant
to mutation.

Now, if we could cross-breed
a human with a roach,

then we would
have a species

that could last
for, uh, 10 billion years!

It is now accepted,
as we fit the pieces together,

that the entire unpleasantness

was the fault
of this Becker person,

and that the catastrophe
found its beginnings,

as so many do,

in the most casual
innocent remark,

in this case, a small article
in thenew York times.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Now, see what you
can do with this here.

Gallup says that
over 60% of Americans

now firmly believe that
there are extraterrestrials

out there somewhere
trying to contact US.

Oh, right. I love it.

Anybody?

Eric? Aram?

We could give them...

What they want.

I think I got one.

No, I think I got
a good one.

What?

You're gonna like this.

What if a spaceship lands,

an extraterrestrial
steps out.

What happens?
What is it?

What happens, and what is
the effect on the population?

Panic? Is it hysteria?
Is it depression?

Mass suicide? Is it war?
Is it the end of war?

Is it religious revivals?
You see what I'm saying?

We could find out.

How?
Fake it.

Fake it? How?

All you need
is the right orphan.

An orphan? Why do
you need an orphan?

Because an
extraterrestrial, Eric,

must not be traceable
to earth-born parents.

I like this, Leon.

It has texture
and scope.

All right.
Now we find our orphan.

Find a little orphan,
do a little job on him.

Man:
A few changes here and there --
blood, the various fluids.

I have a thought
about a primal trauma!

At the end of all this,
the country discovers

e.t. Has been living
right among them all along!

Incredible.

Let's get Doris in on this.
Hello, Doris.

Doris:
Yes, Dr. Becker?

How are you, Doris?

How am I? I'm perfect.
You know that.

Let me see what you can find
on a white American male,

between the ages
of 25 and 40,

an orphan whose parents
are untraceable. Urban.

Just a minute.
I'm searching.

Yeah, he's coming.
I can feel it.

How about an assistant
professor of psychology --

Simon mendelssohn?

He's perfect.

[ Whimsical music plays ]

Okay, stay with me now,
because this is really great.

Nuclear rockets,
huge ones, hundreds of them,

on one side of the world --

and when the planet runs out
of food and air and water,

which it will, probably,
what do we do?

Huh? Anybody.

What do we do?

I'll tell you what we do.

We turn the planet
into a space ship,

and we move
to another solar system

where there is food
and water and air.

It can happen.
Anything can happen.

Dare to dream.

Use the right side
of your brains --

intuition, imagination,
dreams, uncertainty.

Remember we talked about
the uncertainty principle?

Well, Heisenberg is predated

a thousand years
by the zen poets --

a thousand years!

You can change
the world with an idea.

But you have to think
of the idea first.

Yeah -- ha ha ha.
Listen.

Wittgenstein said --
listen to this --

"I do not know
what I do not know."

Huh? Is that fantastic?

"I do not know what" --

yes, Pam. What is it?

Uh, is this going
to be on the final?

Doris was right.
He's perfect.

We're going to need
a few personal details

from his early childhood.

I need fresh samples

of his three major
bodily fluids.

Lisa: I never heard of
a sensory-deprivation tank.

Simon: It's completely safe,
Lisa. Stop worrying.

What is this?
Looks like a coffin.

Very good. It's the crate
a coffin comes in.

I got it from
Jerry Epstein's uncle,

who drives a hearse
for Frankie Campbell's.

Simon, I don't want to
say anything that isn't
totally supportive.
Then don't.

Except do you remember
what happened last time

with the peyote?

Nothing happened
with the peyote.

You threw up
for five days!

You were dizzy,
you missed your class,

you made sounds
like a wolf howling.

Three days is a completely
normal side effect,

and this has nothing
to do with that.

Simon, one day you're
gonna make one of these

wonderful scientific leaps,

and I'm not gonna
be able to catch you.

Very nice. Very poetic.

Do me a favor. Hand me
the Phillips head screwdriver.

You're a brilliant man.
You could make a contribution.

What do you want
to lie in a coffin

from Jerry Epstein's
uncle for?Are you kidding me?

This is the greatest
scientific research tool

since the invention
of the microscope, Lisa!

Since the microscope!

Says who?

Says everybody. Me.

Is this
your mattress here?

Yes, it is. It's a new field,
Lisa. I'm a pioneer.

You ever see Faraday's lab,
or fermi's, or madame curie's?

Or the atomic pile
at the university of Chicago?

Flimsy stuff --
it's all Jerry-built.

All right. Listen --
what do you want me to
do with your red shirt?

What?

The red shirt that came back
mangled from the laundry.

Lisa, stop playing house!
I'm on the verge here!

This is gonna
do it for me!
Really?

Yeah! It's incredible!

A guy named John Lily
invented it.

Here. Look at this.

A simple tank
filled with water.

You get in.
You float there.

No light, no sound, no feeling
of gravity -- nothing.

The brain is deprived
of all sensory input,

so it starts
to turn in on itself.

You get disoriented.
You get afraid.

You start to panic.
Massive anxiety ensues.

If you're lucky,
you even hallucinate.

The brain
examining itself, Lisa!

Hi, Simon.

Josh, you got it.
Great.

What is that?
It looks electric.

Hi, Lisa. E.E.G. I copped it
from the primate lab.

Simon, you shouldn't
steal equipment.

Oh, no? Harvey stole cadavers
from the cemetery.

Harvey millstein from
the economics department?

Harvey.
Sir William Harvey.

Circulation
of the blood -- 1628!

It was a joke, Simon.
Lighten up.

Lisa, go get
a cup of coffee.

I don't want a cup of coffee.
All right.

I'll get a cup of coffee.
I'll pick you up later, okay?

Yeah.
What time?

Monday.

What do you mean, "Monday"?
This is Thursday.

Right.

What do you mean,
"right"?

Are you gonna lie
in this thing for three days?

You will dissolve.

I won't dissolve.
It's only 80 hours.

Simon, I don't want to have
to fill out a lot of forms.

Do you or do you not
want me to win a nobel prize?

Yes, if you wear that
to the ceremony.

Okay. Let's run the list.

Simon, are you sure
about this thing?

Why is it
I'm the last one to know?

The yakamuras
are coming to dinner.

Sweetie, everything's
completely under control.

Mm-hmm. And I've got a duck
defrosting in the sink.

Shh.

Okay.

[ Device beeping ]

Josh, what's the long --

shh!

What's the longest

anybody ever stayed
in one of these things?

Robert willer up at Stanford
did about 50 hours.

50? He said
he's gonna do 80.

It could be
a major breakthrough.

Well, what happened to this guy
from Stanford? Was he okay?

Sure.

Aside from some
libido-energy blockage

and subsequent
ego-projection fantasies.

What are you talking about?
What happened?

Well, when he came out,
he was convinced

he'd turned into
a 6-foot-tall penis named Bob.

Other than that,
he's perfectly normal.

Oh, my god.

That was the most incredible
experience of my life.

How long was I in,
the full 80?

About 63 seconds.

63 seconds?
Are you sure?

My god. I must be all keyed up.
Okay, let's try it again.

Whoa, Simon. I think
you'd better get up.

Get the, uh --

don't touch that pump!
It's not grounded!

No, Simon.
[ Speaking indistinctly ]

Pull the plug!Ooh!

Simon,
are you all right?

I got to get a Grant.

Excuse me.

You must be
Simon mendelssohn.

You are. Am I right?

Yes?

I'd like
to introduce myself.

I'm Carl Becker,

and I think you may be
an authentic genius.

Bye.

I see jumanske
is doing

some interesting
things with neutrinos.

I heard from kierlov.

He says he's three months
from a unified field theory.

Hundertwasser: Poor kierlov.
Always premature.

And Misha.

Oh, don't even
mention Misha.

Large mylar reflectors --

about five miles square,
launched from rockets.

What?

Reflectors
in synchronous orbit,

22,000 miles over Nebraska.

Why?

24-hour-a-day
sunlight, right?

Continuous
growing cycle.

Twice as much corn.

Very pretty.
Very pretty.

You should make out
some equations.

Oh, blades.

Sir?

Is it the latage?

It is, sir -- the '17.

It has a lovely nose.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, I do so dislike
the '68.

It's so pushy.

Yeah, I hate it.

I don't know how to say
this, Dr. Becker, but --

Carl, please. Carl.

All my life I've hoped
that maybe someday...

And now this, and you,
and those guys.

My god,
they're all so brilliant,

and that Indian guy
with the mylar reflectors?

I couldn't believe it.

Barundi?
He was just showing off.

Oh, yeah? For who?

You, of course.

Well, I don't know.
I'm -- I'm speechless.

Here it is, Simon.
What do you think?

What do I think?

You saw what they
gave me at school --

that little closet
in the basement.

Anything you want, Simon,
just requisition it --

from a paper clip
to a microscope.

The only limit
is your own imagination.

I-I don't know.
I'm...I'm...

I'm without the ability --
I can't, uh --

I...i...

We know you're going
to do some wonderful work.

Well, I'll certainly --
I'll do every --

I'll make --
I'd like to --

[ speaking Farsi ]

Excuse me?

That's all right.

How do you do?

Hello.

So glad.
Cynthia Mallory.Simon mendelssohn.

Dr. Mallory
is on the staff.Oh, good.

Has expressed an interest
in working with you.

Oh, that's not --

I need somebody with
a very eclectic background --

a solid foundation,
all the sciences,

literature and philosophy --
what's your field?

Well, I have an md
from Johns Hopkins,

a phd from Cambridge
in behavioral psychology,

masters from the sorbonne

in contemporary
French literature...Oh, my god.

Particularly the absurdists --
sartre, camus.

Yes, I read many --

my undergraduate work
was completed at swarthmore --

two years,
summa cum laude.

Mon dieu.

Yes.

I've worked
with kiplinger in Vienna,

olafsson in Stockholm,
Epstein in Geneva.
Yes.

Of course, you're familiar
with his work on pineal gland

biorhythms and acetal
transferase activity

in chickens and rats.

Yes, Epstein and rats
and chickens.

My new book, entitled
"a comprehensive history

of oral sex techniques" --
illustrated --

has already been
proclaimed a masterpiece

by both Norman mailer
and Bess meyerson,

and has an advanced printing
of 100,000 copies.

Who's your publisher?

Knopf.

Let's try it out --
try it out for a week.

I'm working on what I call
a general theory of creativity.

Really?
Just like Albert Einstein.

I believe that inside
of everybody -- everybody --

is a genius
waiting to be released.

The secret is,
you got to get yourself

into a chaotic enough
mental state.

Then the good material
can break through

from the unconscious.

Well, how do you
accomplish this?

Oh, any way you can --
chemicals, sleep loss,

fasting, deep-breathing.

Did you know that if I
hyperventilate for 10 minutes,

I really do some very
interesting things creatively.

[ Singing opera in German ]

Where you fellows
may be wrong --

and you'll forgive me
if I throw 500 years

of science out
the window with this --

is what if
it's all subjective?

I mean, the universe
contains not one truth,

but an infinite
number of truths, right?

Okay. Follow me.

Take your black hole,
for example.

Your black hole
is popular now, I submit,

because what you got
out there is a bunch

of depressed scientists.

You're not gonna get any
happy, well-adjusted scientists

inventing a big object,
a black thing,

that sucks you
into a noodle-shaped object

five million miles long

and eats you up
if you get too close to it.

[ Spits ]
Think about it. Hmm?

Very good, Simon.

Thank you, blades.
Very fruity.

How's he doing?

He thinks he's
doing just great.

Is he watching right now?

He's watching.
Smile.

Is he resisting you?

Resisting?
Why would he do that?

He has the perfect environment,
the perfect equipment,

the perfect fantasy,
the perfect woman. [ Chuckles ]

I think we can move
ahead swiftly now.

Becker: The key is death.

If you spoke of death a lot,

it would make him
sexually excited.

He's that type.

We're drowning
in a sea of facts.

The left half
of the brain is re-creating

the entire world
in its own image.

I think that's better
than if the liver

was re-creating the world
in its own image, or the kidney.

If an organ is going
to re-create the world --

that's an
interesting theory.

That's quite brilliant,
in fact.

How did you get
so brilliant?

Must run in the family.

Oh, yes?

Yeah. My father was the most
brilliant research physicist

on the entire
h-bomb project --

until the accident,
anyway.

What accident was that?

Well, he was in charge

of the final arming
of the bomb on anawetauk.

Oh, yes.

Apparently, he fell
asleep in the tower.

No one knew about it.

The detonation
went off on schedule.

You mean --

yes. My father
was completely vaporized.

My god.

Do you find this morbid?

I certainly do.
Please continue.

My grandfather
was a student

under the great radiologist
Wilhelm roentgen in Munich.Oh, yes.

Together they discovered
that if you place your hand

in front
of a photographic plate

and bombard it
with high-intensity x-rays

that you can see
the skeleton underneath.

Mm-hmm.

In 1901, Wilhelm roentgen
got the nobel prize.

My grandfather's
hand dropped off.

Oh, my god.

Yeah.

The little guy
always gets the shaft.

It's so true.

My husband
was a psychiatrist.

He specialized
in contemporary suicide.

Wasa psychiatrist?

Mm-hmm. One day he took
a bottle of seconal

and jumped off the roof.

Oh, my god. He must
have suffered terribly.

Well, I feel that he was
probably sleeping

by the time he passed
the third floor.

[ Jazz music plays ]

[ Singing opera in Italian ]

[ Plays discordant notes ]

[ Singing opera ]

[ Vocalizing ]

[ Singing fades ]

Did you get the fluids?

Did you get 'em?
Did you get 'em?

"Did you get 'em?
Did you get 'em?"

[ Chuckles ]
Are they fresh?

They're fresh.

You're a genius.

Van dongen: Did you tell
the father story?Yes.

And the husband
anecdotes?

Yes, yes, yes.

I designed those
anecdotes specifically

to excite him,
to enthrall him with you.

His feelings about me

are not based on your little
stories, I can assure you.

Oh, really?

Well, what are they
based on, then?

Something I do
with my tongue.

Cynthia,
that's disgusting.

Yes.
That's why it works.

Bitch.
Pimp.

All right, all right.
Let's just calm down.

This should be
a beautiful moment.

Eric,
what are your thoughts?

Well, Carl, I think the new
tank of his is the key.

See, my feeling is,
what he's searching for

during these immersions --
although he doesn't know it --

is his realmother,

the one who abandoned him
when he was an orphan.

So the next time he gets
in the tank,

leave him in
for 200 hours!

That's over a week.

His brain's
gonna turn to tapioca.

Oh, I wouldn't think so.

It'll just make him
very receptive.

To what?

We're going to give him
a whole new birth memory.

Has it got a red light
and a white light? Good.

Sweetheart, you want to check
the monitor here?

See if the two things
are going

with the two other things
with the lights.

Yeah, it's fine.

This is a test run,
so get me out in an hour, okay?

Let's plug in.

[ Beeping ]

Terrific.
Hood, please.

Okay, one second.

[ Breathes deeply ]

Okay.

Simon: Hello, hello, hello.
Can you read me out there?

I hope you're taking
good notes out there.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
A, b, c. Hello, hello.

[ Inhales sharply] Okay.

[ Exhales sharply]
I'm inside the tank.

It's very, very interesting.

Water temperature is...

[ Snoring]

[ Slurred speech ]
Hello.

Hello...

Hello, baby...

Oh, weird shoes.

A thousand pardons, sire.

I am but a humble serf.
[ Groans]

I have spoken with euripides,
and he says...

Ahh...

Ahh...

[ Snoring]

[ Gurgling]

[ Splashing ]

Oh! Snake!

[ Snoring]

Okay, open it up.

But it's only 197 hours.

Go ahead. Go ahead.

What's he doing?

Barundi:
He's regressed completely.

Regressed to where?
Infancy?

No, farther than that.

About 500 million years.

Every human brain
carries the memory

of our evolution.

He's been through the entire
evolutionary chain.

He has to find
his way back.

Now, see,
he's a tiny sea organism.

Plankton.

Van dongen:
What's he doing now?

Man:
That's a jellyfish.

A jellyfish.

And look at that, Carl.

We've got flippers
and fins here.

Now he's starting to swim.

[ Monkey chatter ]

[ Epic music plays ]

Now he's trying
to walk erect.

Hey, that's
australopithecine!

That's pithecanthropus!

Java man!

Homo erectus!

Oh, he's discovered
his own sexuality.

[ Speaking gibberish ]

Where my hole?

Where my hole?

[ Speaking gibberish ]

He's inventing language!

[ Speaking gibberish ]

Ha ha ha!

[ Chanting gibberish ]

Look at that, Carl!

He's doing a dance of joy
to the harvest!

[ Choir music plays ]

[ Gasps ] Too much joy.
We get guilt and religion.

[ Peppy big-band music plays ]

Now he's becoming...
Civilized!

[ Metal clanging ]

He's become an artisan.

He's making objects.

He's on an assembly line.

It's -- it's the
industrial revolution!

[ Engine grinding ]

[ Jackhammer pounding ]

[ Telephone rings ]

[ Tires squeal ]

[ Echoing ] Wait!

This will bring him up
into twilight sleep.

He'll observe everything,

but it'll pass directly
into his deepest memory

through his unconscious.

Poor lonely Simon.

And do you know why
you're lonely, Simon?

[ Grunts ]Because you're an orphan.

You don't know
who you are...

Or where you come from.

Open your eyes, Simon.

It's July 7, 1938 --
your first day on earth.

[ Groggily ]
Who is that?

Woman: Who is it?
Your mother. Who else?

My mother?

Sonia mendelssohn?

No, no.
Yourreal mother.

Mother.

Where are you, mother?

Right in front
of you, darling.

The spaceship?

Are you in the spaceship?

Simon, iam the spaceship.

But you're just a machine.

Oh, thank you very much.

Some gratitude from a son.

How can a human being

have a mother
who's a machine, mother?

Simon, our planet is 50 billion
years ahead of earth.

We can make humans the way
humans make toasters.

You made me?

What, then?
You made yourself?

Oh, no!

I'm scared!

It's all right,
little bobitchkens.

Don't worry.
It's a good recipe --

a little protein,
some nice amino acids.

It'll last for almost
40 years, I guarantee.

And then what?

And then you fall apart.

No!

What do you expect, Simon?

Nothing lasts forever,
not even a toaster.

No, don't!
Why are you leaving me?

They need help, Simon.

I want you
to save the world.

Save the world?

I can't even get a regular
checking account, ma.

Goodbye, Simon.

No, don't leave me, ma.

Ma, don't leave me!

Ma!
Don't be frightened.

I'm leaving you
in front of the orphanage.

Goodbye!

Don't leave me.

Ma. Come back, ma.

[ Baby cries]

Something happened.

What happened?

I don't know.

Let's just figure it out
logically.

Oh, ooh! Bad dream.

Not dreams, Simon.
Those were memories.

Memories?
Yes.

Don't be frightened,
Simon.

We're here to help.

Help?

Man: Search for it.

Search?

Be who you are.

Who I are.

Your parents --
who are they?

Where did they
come from?

Ooh!
Who are you?

Ooh!where do you
come from?

[ Speaking gibberish ]

Simon,
the whole world is waiting.

Extraordinary.

Think of the possibilities,
the recognition.

[ Speaks gibberish ]
Book. Knopf.

Wake up, Simon!

Who are you, Simon?

Wait.

Mm-hmm. Who are you?

I know, I know.
Yes.

My mother...M-Made me.

Yes.

I'm...I'm a recipe.

Go with it, Simon.

My mother --
a big white one --

a thing -- floating...
Yes.

[ Makes spaceship noises ]

Yes! Oh, I'm --

what are you?

I--i...

Oh, god.

I'm a toaster!

Yes?

Yes, a toaster.
I said it.

I can say it!

Oh, yes. Yes.

Oh! I feel good now.

[ Choir music plays ]

♪ Amen, amen ♪

♪ amen, ah-men ♪

♪ amen, amen ♪

♪ amen, ah-men ♪

And to close, this item
from Hanover, Maine.

Scientists from a research
facility near here

reported that they were
holding someone

who was claiming to be
an extraterrestrial.

This footage, supplied
by station whkc in bangor,

shows Simon mendelssohn,
a staff member

at the institute
for advanced concepts,

who, it is alleged, was placed
on earth as an infant

approximately 40 years ago.

Extensive medical tests
are under way to determine

if Mr. Mendelssohn
is, in fact,

our first visitor
from the stars

or just a self-styled
lunatic...

Or both.

♪ Doo-doo, doo-doo ♪

♪ doo doo wah ♪

♪ ooh wah ♪

[ "Mr. Sandman" plays
in Spanish ]

[ Singers humming ]

[ Instrumental break ]

[ Singing "Mr. Sandman"
in Spanish continues ]

It's a distinct possibility.

We can make viruses now.

An advanced civilization --

they could make
a perfect human.

A real three-dimensional
human?

Ahuman human?

There's a dichotomy
in this that --

if he's indistinguishable
from you or me,

what is the difference?

Where is his soul?
This is the basic question.

How can the man have a soul?
His mother was a blender.

The most he can have
is a warranty.

I-I think that this event
is clear proof

that there is a god
in the universe.

This is clear proof
there is no god!

You are both wrong.

This is proof
that there is a god,

but he doesn't know
what the hell he is doing.

Oh, come on!

Gentlemen.
Please, please.

[ Intercom beeps ]

Good morning, Simon.

Ah, Carl! Good morning.

You wanted to see US?

Yes, I did.

I wanted to thank you all
personally

for the exemplary way
in which you have handled

what could have been a very
explosive situation for you.

You should feel
very, very proud.

Thank you.

You see, you've given the world
something finally to believe in.

Ah. And what is that?

Me.

Yes. Simon,
what's that in your hand?

Ah, yes.
Uh, my statement.

Could we see it?

Sure!

Uh, to whom do you wish
to make this statement?

Oh, all mankind.

Full media coverage.

Could you excuse US
for a minute?

Surely.
Thank you.

Well, gentlemen,
a new wrinkle.

Full media coverage.
I love it.

What do you think?

Well, we can't let him
make this statement.

Why not?
It's already in the scenario.

Release it to the media.

"Why not?"
Did you read that thing?

The man's a world-class
psychotic.

Uh-huh.

Did you say something?

I said
look who's talking.

Chemist!

Roachofile!

Please, gentlemen,
I beg of you --

[ knocking on glass ]

I'm a little pressed
for time, Carl.

Could you excuse US
for a minute longer?

I'd appreciate it
if you kept it rolling.

Look, why don't we
give it a try?

What could happen?

Aram.
Go.

Shipansha.
Go.

Let's do it.

Simon, what we've
decided to do --

Carl,
I'd like to express

my very grave doubts
about this.

Now, this man is
obviously insane.

We can't present him
to the media at this time.

Man: Please stay in line.
Please move along.

Please stay in line,
if you will, please.

This way. To the right.

To the right,
if you will, please,

but stay in line.

Shh!

[ Camera shutters click ]

Thank you, Carl,
and good afternoon, everybody.

I've been doing a great deal
of thinking about who I am

and why I've been sent here
to live among you,

and the answer
is really very simple.

Things here are just not
working out very well.

Your jobs are boring,
your food is bland,

your water's polluted, and your
relationships don't work.

Is that not right?

And the question is,

how have things come to such
a sorry state of affairs?

I will tell you.

There is too much
bad stuff around --

bad food,

bad drink, bad art, bad ideas.

Everything's all clogged up.

So what we're going to do

is we're going to get rid
of all the bad stuff,

and that will be
a very good beginning.

Now, I have here
a list of things

which I'd like written into
the constitution immediately,

after which, I promise you,

your lives will be less tense
and more rewarding.

"One -- all muzak in elevators,
airports, restaurants,

"and other public rooms
will cease immediately.

"Two -- no more children
or animals may be used

"to sell products.

"Three -- lawyers who lose
cases will go to jail

"with their clients.

"Four -- no doctor may write
a diet book.

"Any doctor who does will
immediately lose his license

"and become a dentist.

"Five --

"I think we don't really need
a house of representatives

and a senate."

The romans didn't have one,

so let's just have
a senate, okay?

Which reminds me.

I think it would be
a very good idea

if from now on, all politicians
who appeared in public

wore a cone-shaped party hat --
not bad, huh?

"Six -- pollution.

"Anybody who owns a factory
that makes radioactive waste

"has to take it home at night
with him to his house.

"Seven -- anybody who says,
'I'm trying to get centered,'

"'you're invading my space,'
or 'far out'

will be fined $50."

Make that $100.

I feel Simon
is basically expressing

the unconscious wishes
of the public, basically.

What are your feelings
on that, senator?

I can't go along
with that, dick.

I think the fella's
dangerous.

♪ You, you, you ♪

♪ you came out of
the blue, blue, blue ♪

♪ you came out of
the sky, sky, sky ♪

♪ and that is why I ♪

♪ I, I ♪

♪ love you ♪

♪ and that is why I love you ♪

♪ there's no one else
above you ♪

♪ ooh, space man ♪

♪ I love you ♪

Simon, you're going to
have to go more slowly,

'cause you're going to
disturb people.

You're upset, Carl.
I understand these things.

I just think we should meet
and go over your material

before you broadcast again.

No, that's quite
impossible.

Why?

Because now I have to speak
with someone in authority.

I'm in authority.

Yes, Carl,
of course you are.

That's why I want you to set up
a meeting with the president,

the Chinese premier, the pope,
and Walter cronkite.

I'd like to have him
terminated.

Terminated? Oh, no.
Come on, Carl, not yet.

He's just starting
to cook.

Couldn't we give it
another week?

No. He's out of control,
and I want him killed.

He's not hurting anybody.

Have you read
the newspapers lately?

I never read the newspapers.

But it's fascinating.

His ego is expanding
exponentially.

Come on, Carl.
It's working so well.

We haven't had a goodie
like this in six months!

Please?

All right. All right.

But we have to slow him down
a little.

Aram,
have you got anything?

I've been doing some
wonderful things with mice.

I know you have.

I'll take care of it.

Thank you.

Where were we?

Uh, three before "c."

[ Music plays ]

I'd like to see
Dr. Carl Becker, please.

You have an appointment?

Do you have a phone
in that thing?

Please, Lisa --
if I may call you Lisa --

this whole thing
is just as baffling to US

as it is to you.

Listen, I don't know
what you did to that man,

but he does notcome
from out of space.

Where is he, please?

I'll take you
to him, but first

you're going to have to
change your clothes.

What's the matter
with my clothes?

Germs, Lisa. Germs.

You don't want to be

the cause of his death,
now, do you?

Well, there he is, Lisa.
I hope he remembers you.

[ Switch clicks ]

[ Saxophone music plays]

Simon.

You have a visitor.

Hello, Simon.

Hello, Lisa.

They gave me this stuff.
They said I was contagious.

Yes, human beings
are all contagious to me.

Is that true?
Oh, yes.

Oh, it's a very nice
sentiment.

That must be why you didn't
call me for five weeks.

You must have been afraid
that I'd infect you

over the telephone.

No, no, no. I've just
been very, very busy.

Busy?

Simon, what --
what's going on here?

What are you doing?

This is an experiment
like the tank?

You're pretending to be
this space person.

I don't get it.

It's not an experiment.
It's the real thing.

Are you telling me that
you come from out of space?

Not "out of space,"

outerspace!

"Out of space"
doesn't mean anything!

Simon, I find this
very hard to accept.

Well, you're not the only one.
I find it hard to accept myself.

But you accept it?

Yes, I do.

The medical evidence
is overwhelming.

I mean, my blood,
my bodily fluids --

nobody's seen
anything like them.

And my memories --

my god, the memories
I've been having!

And so many other things.

It all makes sense
when you put it together.

It's part of the grand
scheme of things.

The reason for my being,
my purpose, who I am,

the all-seeing eye,

the yin, the Yang...

The wah!

You understand?

Simon,
when did you eat last?

You know,

you have serious troubles
with reality, Lisa,

do you know that?
I mean, you cut yourself off.

Icut myselfoff?

Yes, you do.

I am not sitting
in a glass box with fake air

like some half-baked guru!

What is this thing,
your flying suit?

It's my garment.
Don't touch it.

Simon, you're a real person,
a regular person.

Where's your red hat?

I am not going to discuss
complex scientific ideas

with somebody from
the music department!

Don't patronize me, Simon.

I was there
during the mescaline

and during the fasting
for three weeks

on grass and earphones,

and this is another one.
This is the outer space one.

Simon,
they hypnotized you.

Your friend Becker --
"Mr. Wizard" --

he washed your brain
in a trunk.

Nobody hypnotized anybody.

I'm the same person I was,

except that I come
from another planet!

What planet?Well, how do I know?! There's
millions of them out there!

Is it Venus?

No, it's not Venus.

If you must know,
it's in the nebula Orion.

All right, you come
from the nebula Orion.

Yes, I do.

How do you know this?

How does anybody
know anything?

What do you mean, how does
anybody know anything?

How does anybody
know anything?

What is this,
an intergalactic talmud lesson?

I simply asked you,
how do you know

you come
from the Orion nebula.

I can't handle this.

I have a lot of problems
and a lot of responsibilities!

If you don't like who I am,
then I don't know what!

Okay. Okay.

It's all right.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

[ Sighs ] All right.

Now, why don't you come
sit down over here with me?

Why?

Simon, it's been
a long time -- five weeks.

Are you crazy?

Your body is crawling with
millions of deadly microbes.

Well,
why don't you join me?

Because I could die
in a second, that's why.

Simon, we could all
die in a second.

The world could explode.
Terrible things could happen.

Come here.

What are you doing?

I've never made love with
an extraterrestrial before.

Lisa.

It's perfectly all right.

I've been completely
decontaminated,

and anyway, we'll never
actually touch, I promise.

You can't make love
without touching.

Well, yes, you can,
sort of.

Think about it.

You brought a thing?
From high school?

Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

Stelazine?

Percodan?

Thorazine?
Strychnine?

Too heavy.

I could use those pills

that make the mice sound
like Louis Armstrong.

That might destroy
his credibility.

Too obvious.

I could make
his nose drop off.

Too baroque.

What do you say to this?

Tomorrow morning he wakes up,
and he's very stupid.

Hmm.
All right, go on.

It's just something
I've been working on.

It's odorless, colorless,
tasteless, untraceable.

It attacks the cortex and cuts
the intelligence right in half.

I like it. It's elegant.

How long
is it effective?

A week, maybe a month,
maybe a year.

One whiff and they'll
both be real docile.

You see, it cuts
the I.Q. Right in half.

Okay, okay, wait now.
Uh...All right.

This one -- this one feeds
only the sterile room.

Okay. All right.

No, wait!
I had it upside down.

That one feeds the rest
of the building.

[ Gas leaks ]

[ Strained voice ]
I'll be right back.

[ Hissing ]

You better
turn that thing off.

I can't.
I can't. It's stuck.

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

How long does
it take to work?

How long does what
take to work?

Doris, what should I do?

The gas is drifting
around out there.

They are going to trace
it to me, to US.

I know about the gas.
I know about everything.

I'm the world's
smartest computer, right?

Yes.

So you want me to fix it.
Is that it, Carl?

Yes, Doris.

All right, why don't you
come right out and say it?

I already called the Pentagon,
and I told them

there's a little problem

with that extraterrestrial
of yours.

Oh, really?
Yes.

So just calm down and
let them handle it, okay?

Okay, Doris.

You see, the gas is worthless,
anyway.

It's gonna wear off
in a few weeks.

I mean, everybody knows
that lithium carbonate

becomes very unstable --

why are you looking
at me like that?

Why are you stepping
on me like this?

You know why.

I don't want to get into
a whole thing now, Carl.

I mean, I really don't.
Not now.

It's because
you're so smart.

Carl.

I can't help it.
You're so big.

I know.

You're so beautiful.

I know.

Makes me crazy.

Oh, Carl,
don't touch my yellow.

You know, Carl,
you're a very sick person.

I love you, Doris.

Not my white, Carl.
Please, not --

I mean, how many times do
we have to go through this?

You can't love me.
I'm a machine.

I know.

Maybe this is
just infatuation.

Call it what you will.
Let's run away, Doris.

Oh, that's
a low blow, Carl.

I mean, you know
I'm bolted to the floor.

[ Warbling ] What are you doing?

You know what I'm doing.

Oh, no.
Don't do that, Carl.

I'm really not in the mood.
I...I have a headache.

I mean, I really do have
such a headache, Carl,

and you can imagine

how enormous the size
of that headache is.

You know you like it when
I stroke your power supply.

No, I really don't.
That's great.

Oh, is that great. No, Carl,
I really don't like it.

No, I really --
don't touch that part again.

Carl, where are you going now?
Oh, no.

[ Moans ]

Oh, Jesus.

I'm sorry, Doris.

You're sorry?
Well, what ami supposed to do?

Just give me
another minute.

Well, I just
want you to know

that I feel
very used right now.

[ Gas leaks ]

Ooh, don't breathe on me.

Well, Simon,
it's a little late for that.

My egg.
Where's my egg?

I don't know.
Where do you keep it?

No, no.
My egg. My egg.

I get an egg at 8:00
in the morning.

Yeah?
Well, where is it?

I don't know. I'll find out,
okay? Don't panic.

Yeah, and toast.

Toast. Of course, toast.
I'll get to the bottom of this.

[ Soldier barking orders
in distance ]

Pbht!

Take off your glasses.

Honk!

[ Laughter ]

Man: Can you tell me
your name?

You can call me
anything you like,

but don't call me
late for supper!

[ Laughter ]

You Becker?
Yes.

Would you mind telling me

just what the hell is going on
around here?

This is the institute
for advanced concepts.

We are a small
and non-profit research group.

Who the hell are they?

They are my staff.

[ Laughter ]

I'm the director.

To whom do I have
the pleasure of speaking?

"Pleasure"?

I'll give you "pleasure,"
you pantywaist egghead.

Jesus h. Christ,
what a mess!

Army, right?

You're with the army.
Tell me I'm wrong.

Korey. Pentagon.

I have authority to establish
full command here.

What the hell happened?

It's a gas.

Apparently,
whoever breathes it

loses about 100 points
of I.Q.

Stupid-making gas, is that it?
Makes the enemy stupid.

Seems like it.

Well, where is he?Where is who?

The martian, for Christ's sake.
He did this, didn't he?

He did what?
Released the gas.

Yes. Oh, ye--
that's lovely.

Yes, he did. Very --
yes. Who else?

It's a goddamn invasion.

He's very dangerous.

You may have to shoot him.

You heard him, sergeant.
Get on it.

He's extremely dangerous.
Take no prisoners.

Yes, sir. Come on, men!
Fall in on the double!

Simon, there's been
a terrible accident.

We got to get
out of here very fast.

We got to get your stuff
and get out of here.

A terrible gas is escaping, some
kind of very dangerous gas --

lethal -- and your friend Becker
said it's your fault,

that you did it.

He's got the army here --
the whole army.

They think
you're an invasion.

They think you are
a martian invasion,

and they've got orders
to shoot to kill.

Your hat.
W-Where's your hat?

Lisa, is something wrong?

Simon, listen to me.

They don't like
you here anymore,

so they are going
to kill you,

so we have to get
out of here very fast.

No, no. I can't breathe the air.
It's got deadly germs in it.

Come on.

Oh, no.

Hi.

Oh, Simon. Simon!

I knewwe shouldn't
have had sex.

[ Alarm sounds ]

I want the names
of those men!

Time for names later.
You got to go now.

Aah!

Come on! Come on!

What is it?

Lisa, a lady is dancing
with a potholder.

Good!
Get in the truck.

The military will pay for this,
believe you me.

What are you going to do?

I'll wreak my vengeance.

Excuse me?

I will wreak
my vengeance on them.

Simon, why are you talking
like the old testament?

"They whomsoever shall beateth
a plowshare into a bullet,

yea, then shall they know
the wrath of my wrath" --

corinthians 12.

Oh, we are in big trouble.

You're telling me.
I shouldn't be breathing.

[ Bird chirping ]

Simon, wake up.

There's people out here.

Army?

No, I don't think so.

Don't be frightened.

We saw your Van.

You were sleeping.
You looked cold.

We covered you. See?

Polyester filling, and the cover
wipes clean with a damp cloth.

Available from remco.

Hungry? We have macaroni
and cheese casserole --

good and good for you.

Who are you? Why do
you guys talk like that?

We live here
and follow the master.

We have seen you
on the sacred box.

Lisa: The sacred box?

The sacred box
with pictures.

Oh, television.

We do not speak its name.

I'll race you
to the Van, Simon.

No, no, no, no.
These are very good people.

Does the name Charles manson
mean anything to you?

We know you're Simon
from outer space.

Oh, they know who I am.Will we?

We know of all your troubles,
but you're safe here.

Stay and worship with US.

[ Church organ
plays solemn music ]

"And milty begat Lucy,
who begat Mary,

who spun off rhoda,
who spun off Phyllis."

Together: ♪ amen ♪

"And after seven years,
Mary was canceled.

"And after 10 years,
Lucy was canceled.

"Yea, even after 12 years,

was uncle milty canceled."

Thus, are we all
canceled eventually.

♪ Mmm, mmm, good ♪

♪ mmm, mmm, good ♪

♪ that's what
Campbell's soups are ♪

♪ mmm, mmm, good ♪

[ Organ playing ]

♪ Mmm, mmm, good ♪

♪ mmm, mmm, good ♪

♪ that's what
Campbell's soups are ♪

♪ mmm, mmm ♪

♪ goo-o-o-o-od ♪

What do you do it for?

Well, it's --
it's a way of atonement.

For what?

Well, before I had
my nervous breakdown,

I was head
of programming

at the American
broadcasting company.

Hey! Come see what's
in the back of Simon's Van!

Oh, my goodness.

What?

Do you know
what you've got here?

No. What?

It's a TV studio.

Hmm.

Yeah, it's a -- you see,
it's a TV studio on wheels.

Huh.

It's got everything
you need for broadcasting.

Hmm.

Well, whoever designed this
was a genius.

Let's see.

By using the laser-directional
transmitting antenna,

it says you can tap
into the carrier wave.

Yeah.

Now, if this works,
you'll be appearing

simultaneously on all
three networks.

That's more coverage
than the president gets.

[ Choir vocalizing ]

The alien is still at large
after his initial gas attack

and the injuring
of 46 national guardsmen

at the site of his escape,

the institute for advanced
concepts, near Hanover, Maine.

In the approximately 24 hours
since his disappearance

and the release of the gas,

virus, or whatever it is,

dozens of communities
in a direct line

between bangor, Maine,
and Boston have suffered

strange behavior alterations.

As the population loses I.Q.,
and --

This is Simon.

I'm broadcasting to you
from a secret location,

which is necessary because
a terrible thing has occurred.

An attempt has been made
on my life by the military.

Yes. Early yesterday morning,
a band of uniformed thugs --

lackeys of the degenerate
power structure --

attacked me in my very sleep.

The good and kindly men who
helped me find my identity --

Dr. Carl Becker
and his colleagues --

were apparently
unable to prevent

this despicable
and cravenly act,

but do not panic.

I'm unharmed,
and I'm in good health.

I'll continue these broadcasts

every evening at this time

so we can keep up our
good work, and I promise you

that this treachery
will not go unpunished.

Certain ones shall be smitten,
and they know who they are.

You deserve justice, you people,

justice
and a better way of life.

That's what we're
talking about, isn't it?

Who's in charge around here?!

Who's responsible for
the Hawaiian music

in the elevators
and the paper band

around the bathroom
seats in the motels

and the billboards that say,

"la cerveza schaefer
con mucho gusto"?

Where's your pride?
And another thing --

I would like now to talk
about personal style.

From now on, people can
wear on their face

either long sideburns,
known as mutton chops,

or a mustache, but not both.

Mutton chops and
a mustache look moronic,

and they give the country
a very, very bad image.

Is that what you want?

Paintings on velvet?

Plastic music and badly
thought out facial hair?

Ask yourselves -- what of
the great span of civilization?

The drama and the sculpture
of the Greeks,

the poetry of the Japanese --

[ quoting Japanese poetry]

Think about it.
Think about it!

Why are they keeping
these things from you?

What of Blake and verlaine

and giotto and Velazquez?

And what of the formula
for orange Julius?

The secret white powder
that makes it

a devilishly good drink --
why is it a secret?

I want that formula!

Wake up!

Start using the right half
of your brains!

You can move
the world with an idea,

but you have
to think of it first.

How the hell
did he do that?

He must have patched into
a carrier wave somehow.

I assume he was
on the line --

watch it, will you?
And get rid of that brillo.

Yeah, it, uh --
it looks ridiculous.

I assume he was on the line
for a full saturation.

You see, hundertwasser
had this truck --

speak English, will you?

A lot of people saw it.

Hmm.

Sounds like he was
pretty angry at you.

Yeah, well, I got a flash
for you, fruit-head.

I don't give a shit about that.
The point is, where is he?

Where is he?
Well, he could be anywhere.

We can't triangulate him
until he broadcasts again.

Weather service, sir.

The cloud is beginning
to drift towards Washington.

He's got US by the mazumas.

"Now therefore,
o sayeth the lord of hosts,

"consider your ways!

"Ye have sown much
and bring in little.

"Ye eat, but ye
have not enough.

"Ye drink, but ye are
not filled with drink.

"Ye clothe you,
but there is none warm,

"and ye that earneth wages,
earneth wages to put it

in a bag with holes in it" --
thus sayeth the lord of hosts.

"Consider your ways!

"I call for a drought upon
the land and upon the mountains

"and upon the corn and upon
the new wine and upon the oil

"and upon that which
the ground bringeth forth

"and upon man and upon cattle

and upon all the labor
of the hands."

[ Choir vocalizing ]

[ Vocalizing stops ]

We get the 8th airborne,
the 15th fighters.

We do a grid pattern,
saturation bombing.

No, no, no, no.
No, no. Too random.

Okay. Missiles, right?
Mmm. Icbms, mirvs.

You got your minutemen,
your nikes,

your redstones, what have you.

We use Boston
as a central target,

level it if we have to,
move outward.

See what I'm saying?
A deployment.

You can't level Boston.
It's an American city.

If we can take him out,
it's a small sacrifice --

one city.

Well, we just can't
let him run amok.

I don't see that
we have much choice.

Why doesn't he just come out
and fight like a man?

Because he's not a man.
He's a thing, a machine.

He hasn't got your ordinary
human sense of ethics

and fair play.

I wouldn't want to do
anything to get him angry.

Why not?

An advanced civilization,
general -- think about it.

Who knows what weapons
they have?

He might even try
to explode the sun.

Explode the sun?
But that's against nature.

Hey, you!

How are you coming
with those coordinates, mister?

We've got the position of the
Van kind of narrowed down, sir.

Yeah?
It's either in
New Jersey or Utah.

[ Opera music plays ]

What is my program, you ask?

What is my plan?
What is the scheme?

I will tell you.

From now on,

no more portable radios
out on the street.

Nobody can name their child

free, moonbeam,
sky, or rain.

These are very,
very silly names.

No member of the government
who gets arrested

may write a book
about it for profit.

I want to talk about
these guys who pull their car

into the intersection
before the other side is clear,

and then the light changes and
the intersection is blocked.

Let's get on that right away.

$10,000 fine for blocking
the intersection.

I really hate those guys.

I don't want any panic,
no fleeing,

and no mass evacuation
of the populated areas.

Remain in your homes.
Do not use the telephone.

Do not try to communicate
with anyone.

Breathe as little as possible.
Stay close to the ground.

Do not panic.

Remain tuned to this station.

♪ Amen, amen ♪

♪ amen, ah-men ♪

♪ amen ♪

♪ hallelujah ♪

Simon, this is Carl Becker.

I urge you, I beseech you --
contact me.

Let's talk, Simon.

Let's communicate.

Please call me, Simon,
at area code [207] 555-8000.

"When a woman acts
the part of a man,

"she has the following
things to do,

"in addition to the nine
given above -- these.

"The pair of tongs,
the top, the swing.

"When the woman holds
the lingam in her yoni,

"draws it in, presses it,

"and keeps it thus
in her for a long time,

it is called..."

[ Gravelly voice ]
"That's a mighty ugly-looking
moose head you got" --

[ Irish accent ]
"It's a great wonder

she wouldn't think of the nails
of all the coffins she..."

"Now, at last, I can speak
to you, beloved brothers of..."

"The absence of a tail is
eminently distinctive of man."

"All jazz musicians will agree
with one of the..."

"War and peace"
by Leo Tolstoy.

As promised,
"crime and punishment."

By who?

[ Gunshot ]

Simon, how much longer
do you think you can

get away with this?

Listen, the people
of this world

are lucky that
I'm in their midst.

They are, huh?
Yes, they are.

Simon,
I want you to eat this.

You are very crazy
from low blood sugar.
No.

You've got
to eat something.

Things look better
after coconut.

Contamination.
Get an egg.

No, look,
this is machine-made.

It's untouched by human hands.
And what about the air?

You know,
you're breathing that.

Yes, but I'm willing
to make that sacrifice

to rid the world
of evil men.

The army?

"I shall smite them!"

Oh, no, the Bible again.

"I shall smite them,
and they shall be laid low!

Yea, evil, into the dust!"[ Sighs ]

Simon, maybe you should
go back and see Dr. Mednick

for a couple of sessions.

Mednick?
Mednick is a fraud.

He told me I was alienated.

Of course I'm alienated.
I'm an alien.

You know,
I think you're having

some kind
of nervous breakdown here,

and you know what, Simon?

You're giving one
to the entire country.

Where are you going now?

Are you gonna go
broadcast now?

The initial excitement,
even exhilaration,

which accompanied
the discovery of the alien

has now given way
to popular unrest

and, in higher circles,
sober apprehension.

Who is this man?
Where does he come from?

What does he want from US?

These and other
related questions are...

Is this your great
contribution -- chaos?

Well, it takes time
to change bad habits.

What have you changed?

I am taking common Clay

and I am turning it
into earthenware vessels

that will hold things!

Watch!

And non-threatening
popular --

hi, kids.Together: Hi, Simon!

All right, I would like you
to list for me now

four major films by the Russian
master Sergei eisenstein.

"Ten days
that shook the world,"

"Alexander nevski,"

"Potemkin,"
and "viva, Mexico,"

a work that's yet unfinished.

Yes, and how do you feel
about these films?

We love them!

[ Chuckling ]
Yes, and why?

Because it's on the sacred box.

But you don't love everything
that's on the sacred box.

Yes.
Yes.yes.
Yes.

Celebrity bowling?

Yes.
Yes.yes.
Yes.

Badly dramatized
English novels?

Yes.
Yes.yes.
Yes.

The, uh, commercial

for the vegetable slicer
at 3:00 A.M.?

Yes.
Yes.yes.
Yes.

Everything?

Yes.
Yes.yes.
Yes.

Hmm. You like it
when it goes, "whooo"?

Yes.
Yes.yes.
Yes.

You like junk?

Yes.
Yes.yes.
Yes.

Melody, come here.

Now, you've been watching
uncle Simon on television,

and you've been
listening very carefully

to what he's been saying,
right?

So I want you to dig deep
into your heart now

and tell me the most wonderful,
beautiful thing

in the entire world.

Disco.

I don't understand.

What?

I'm not reaching them,
not the realpeople,

not the grass roots.

[ Sighs ]
Who are you reaching?

Fringes. Weirdos.
The paper-hat crowd.

I gave them
my best stuff, too.

Shakespeare, "pogo,"
the prophets.

Maybe they don't want
their lives improved, you know?

Maybe they like their lives
the way they are.

They like that fake music
in the elevators?

They like those thin gray
hamburgers with imitation sauce?

Simon, you just can't show up
out of nowhere

and tell a whole country
what to like.

Emptiness. Emptiness.

10 billion years of evolution,
up from the slime, for what?

They call this a culture.

I don't think it's so bad.

I think we produced
some good things, too.

Oh, yeah? Such as?

I don't know.
Uh, Fred Astaire,

penicillin,
air conditioning.

You like air conditioning,
I know that.

I don't like
air conditioning.

Oh, come on.
You love air condi --

I don't like it.Are you kidding me?

You're the only man
with a studio apartment

that has two
air conditioners.

I hate air conditioning!

All right, look,
please, let's just calm down,

'cause I really have
some news for you.

Well, I have to go
make a broadcast.

I'll make it quick.

You remember Tuesday,
I wasn't feeling so hot?

I was feeling very queasy,
so I walked into town,

and I went to the drugstore
to buy this test.

They have these tests
you can buy now,

and you do it yourself,
and it turned out positive.

So then I went to the clinic

because I had them
do a test on me,

and theirs
was also positive.

It confirmed that
they were both positive.

Right. So, what is that?
You're sick or what?

No, I'm pregnant.

Are you sure?

I guess I'm positive.

You're not upset?

No.

I...i felt it was gonna
happen sooner or later.

Who's the father?

Simon, you'rethe father.

No, that's --
that's quite impossible.

Why?

Well, you see, I'm from
another part of the galaxy,

and we're biologically
incompatible.

Different species
cannot mate

because that's the law
of the universe.

But that's exactly
the point.

We are not
two different species!

You've obviously been involved
with somebody else,

but that's okay.
I've been busy.

I understand these things.What?

Who? Somebody from
the music department?

Maestro flune, maybe?

How can you think that?

Nice guy, a little bit
effeminate, but a nice guy.

Simon, the only person I've ever
been involved with is you.

Then how do you
explain this?

You're afraid to face it,

'cause it would mean
you're not special anymore.

You're not different
from anybody else.

You're not a toaster.

You're just a regular,
ordinary human being.

I have to go broadcast.

No. Now just a minute.

Right now
you're gonna stand here

and you're gonna tell me

that you believe in your heart
that I was unfaithful to you,

that I cheated on you,
and theni will go away.

But you have to
say that first, okay?

Come on. It's easy.

You just say,
"this is not my child."

Can you say that?

Can you?

[ Telephone rings ]

Yeah. Korey. What?

Just a minute.

Hello, Simon.

Hello, Carl.

It's been a long time,
hasn't it?

I would like very much
to speak to you, Carl.

Yes, of course.

What?

I think you've made
the right decision.

I understand.

I'll be speaking
to you soon, Simon.

Thank you. Goodbye.

That's it.

What?

He's depressed
and he wants to go home.

To New York.

No, no.

Home.

Becker:
All right, now, gentlemen,

I'm going to go away now.

I'm going with general korey
to put Simon on a rocket ship.

On a rocket ship.

Can we go?

No, no.
You have to stay here.

[ Crying ]And while I'm gone,
I want you to behave.

[ Sniffles ]

[ Crying ] No!

What's the matter, Leon?

Well, I want to go
on the rocket ship!

No, doctor.
You cannot go

on the rocket ship.
I'm sorry.

Now, while I'm away,

I want you to stay
out of trouble.

Remember where you are,
gentlemen.

Aram, I want you to be
the monitor.

What?!
Why is he the monitor?!

Why is hethe monitor?
Why is hethe monitor?

I don't understand!

[ All yelling ]

Quiet! Quiet!

Says who?

Says me!

Shut up, six eyes!
Six eyes!

Gentlemen, gentlemen!
I am appalled!

Do you see what you've done?
They're taking away the table.

See what you've done?

Gentlemen, please.
I am appalled!

Boom!

Okay, Becker, let's go.
We're pulling out.

You know,
for a bunch of brainy guys,

you sure are some poor,
pathetic bastards.

Thank you, sir!

See you around the campus.

Okay, sergeant, let's go.
Move 'em out.

♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ for he's
a jolly good fellow ♪

Together:
♪ for he's a jolly good fellow ♪

[ Lush music plays ]

Woman: Good afternoon.
Welcome to NASA.

This is the voice
of mission control.

We are t minus 10 minutes
to launch and counting.

And now,
for your listening pleasure,

Tony mizzola
and the orchestra.

[ Hawaiian muzak plays ]

[ Bell dings ]

Here, Simon.

Well, all of US
at the institute -- wait!

Okay.

Okay. All right.
Open this door. Open it!

Guard, open this!

That's very funny, Simon.
Very funny, Simon.

Very funny, Simon.
All right. All right.

[ Grunting ]

Oh, no, no, no!

Ah! Aah!

We are t minus five minutes
to launch and counting,

pending acknowledgment
from the spacecraft.

[ Muzak continues ]

Arrggh!

Ohh!

Guard, open it!
Open, gu -- aah!

Aah!

[ Muffled moaning ]

[ Squeaky voice ]
Simon, Simon...

So, we made a few
miscalculations, Simon.

We're only human.

This is way too tight.
Will you stop?

Will you unstrap me?!
Will you unstrap me at once?!

Simon, I think you should know
that Cynthia did not find you

all that exciting.

As a matter of fact,
Cynthia wasn't even a scientist.

She was an unemployed actress.
I just wanted you to know that.

I just wanted you to know that.
Simon, please, pl --

this is Simon speaking.

This will be my last
communication

until after takeoff.

Over and out.

Aah! Aah!

I'll get you for this.

I have friends,
you pathetic --

okay, Carl,
keep in touch.

We are at t minus 30 seconds
and counting.

Please execute full final check
at this time.

For god's sake,
don't do this to me!

8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1.

Oh, shit.

[ Soft piano music plays ]

Lisa: Atheneum, Simon &
schuster, quadrangle press.

Hey, wouldn't you think
they'd give up after a while?

Harper & row, MacMillan,
Princeton university press,

Peter pauper press...

Random house.

Knopf...

Knopf, knopf...

Viking, St. Martin's press.

Not a bad bunch --

three knopfs and a viking.

Mmm.are you gonna do it?

Are you gonna write
this book or not?

No.
No.

What I am going to do
is notwrite a book.

He doesn't care.

Mmmm!

[ Babbles ]

[ Laughs ]

Want to go for a walk?

Yeah.

And talk about life
and philosophy?

Huh?

Okay. Ah.

We'll be back
in about a week.

Man:
...Awarded to Dr. Yen ho tang
for his work in genetics.

The last, and some say,
most important prize --

the nobel prize for peace will
probably go to an American,

Simon mendelssohn,
whose efforts a while ago

led directly to legislation
making it illegal for anyone

to replace the towels
in a public washroom

with a hot air blower,

package ketchup
in tiny plastic envelopes,

or commit any of
the petty annoyances which,

in the committee's words,

"were slowly eroding the spirit
of a great people."

Mr. Mendelssohn,
believed living in seclusion

somewhere here in Canada,
could not be reached,

but the committee feels that...

[ Soft music plays ]

[ Whimsical music plays ]

[ Happy 1920s-era music plays ]