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1
00:00:17,670 --> 00:00:20,138
Hm? Yeah. Fine. Fine.
2
00:00:20,190 --> 00:00:21,623
Good. Yours?
3
00:00:21,670 --> 00:00:23,262
I didn't say anything.
4
00:00:23,310 --> 00:00:24,902
Mm, that's nice.
5
00:00:25,950 --> 00:00:28,862
Are we just on autopilot after all these years?
6
00:00:28,910 --> 00:00:30,628
Yeah, OK. Sounds good.
7
00:00:30,670 --> 00:00:33,104
OK, I'll change and then we'll eat.
8
00:00:33,150 --> 00:00:36,745
So, I was thinking of taking all
the money out of your bank account
9
00:00:36,790 --> 00:00:38,940
and buying very expensive lingerie
10
00:00:38,990 --> 00:00:41,629
and shacking up with Daniel Craig
and George Clooney.
11
00:00:41,670 --> 00:00:44,025
Lovely. I prefer Chinese.
12
00:00:45,030 --> 00:00:47,863
- Hi.
- Hi, Grandma. Hi, Grandpa.
13
00:00:47,910 --> 00:00:50,299
I made you a picture at school today.
14
00:00:50,350 --> 00:00:53,467
- Oh!
- Oh, that's a lovely picture of a...
15
00:00:53,510 --> 00:00:55,740
- That's a...
- Pretty...
16
00:00:55,790 --> 00:00:59,146
Multi-coloured, erm...
17
00:00:59,190 --> 00:01:02,341
- Ostrich.
- Volcano.
18
00:01:02,390 --> 00:01:04,858
- Elephant.
- It's an elephant. I said...
19
00:01:04,910 --> 00:01:08,027
- I was going to say elephant.
- Thank you. That's great.
20
00:01:08,070 --> 00:01:11,028
Kenzo has a special school project
and he needs everyone's help.
21
00:01:11,070 --> 00:01:14,949
Right, well, first of all, elephants are grey.
22
00:01:14,990 --> 00:01:18,187
The project is about the importance of family.
23
00:01:18,230 --> 00:01:20,346
Does it have to be this family?
24
00:01:20,390 --> 00:01:23,223
I have a list of questions
to ask everyone.
25
00:01:23,270 --> 00:01:25,101
Nothing too tricky, just basic stuff
26
00:01:25,150 --> 00:01:29,029
like how we all love
and value each other as a family.
27
00:01:31,150 --> 00:01:33,948
- And it has to be this family?
- Yep.
28
00:01:35,670 --> 00:01:36,739
What are you doing?
29
00:01:36,790 --> 00:01:39,145
Photos of the Harper side of the family.
30
00:01:40,390 --> 00:01:43,268
Who's the cute little girl in the sailor suit?
31
00:01:43,310 --> 00:01:44,709
That's me.
32
00:01:48,510 --> 00:01:50,182
You were hot!
33
00:01:58,990 --> 00:02:01,345
(Ben yells) Nick!
34
00:02:01,390 --> 00:02:02,948
(Nick) Hello, Dad.
35
00:02:02,990 --> 00:02:04,787
Er, that... Oi, that's mine.
36
00:02:09,510 --> 00:02:10,909
Sorry.
37
00:02:18,950 --> 00:02:20,986
Sorry.
38
00:02:31,510 --> 00:02:33,660
All right, Dad?
39
00:02:33,710 --> 00:02:34,859
Michael.
40
00:02:34,910 --> 00:02:37,140
You can't be standing as a Tory.
41
00:02:37,190 --> 00:02:40,865
Why not? What have you got
against persecuted minorities?
42
00:02:42,630 --> 00:02:44,143
This is a Labour household.
43
00:02:44,190 --> 00:02:46,067
Oh, right, follow the crowd.
44
00:02:46,110 --> 00:02:48,578
Baa, baa!
45
00:02:48,630 --> 00:02:50,222
Go on, go to your room.
46
00:02:50,270 --> 00:02:53,387
You're sending me to my room
because I'm a Tory?
47
00:02:53,430 --> 00:02:54,579
Yes.
48
00:02:56,550 --> 00:02:57,699
Scooby-dooby-doo!
49
00:03:00,870 --> 00:03:02,667
Music.
50
00:03:05,750 --> 00:03:07,741
Be thou not afraid.
51
00:03:10,110 --> 00:03:12,101
What the bloody hell is going on?!
52
00:03:12,150 --> 00:03:14,380
Argh! What's? It?
53
00:03:14,430 --> 00:03:16,625
- Hark, it speaks in tongues.
- What's going on?
54
00:03:16,670 --> 00:03:17,785
Eh?
55
00:03:17,830 --> 00:03:20,503
I'll give you some privacy. OK.
56
00:03:20,550 --> 00:03:21,619
Hang on, Dad.
57
00:03:21,670 --> 00:03:23,388
I'm going to need a little help.
58
00:03:23,430 --> 00:03:26,627
- Yeah, well, I'm not...
- Come on, Dad. I don't ask a lot.
59
00:03:29,390 --> 00:03:30,789
All right.
60
00:03:40,150 --> 00:03:41,549
Sorry.
61
00:03:42,830 --> 00:03:45,060
I meant call a nurse.
62
00:03:46,310 --> 00:03:47,868
(Ben yells) Nick!
63
00:03:49,350 --> 00:03:50,339
Susan.
64
00:03:50,390 --> 00:03:52,267
Hello, dear.
65
00:03:52,310 --> 00:03:54,505
- What are you doing?
- Just tidying up.
66
00:03:55,630 --> 00:03:57,621
(Nick) OK, Dad. I've got you.
(Ben) Back in.
67
00:03:57,670 --> 00:04:00,343
- I've got you.
- Argh!
68
00:04:03,390 --> 00:04:04,948
Oh, dear.
69
00:04:05,990 --> 00:04:07,787
Sorry about that, Dad.
70
00:04:12,990 --> 00:04:14,503
(Gasps)
71
00:04:15,790 --> 00:04:17,906
(Ben) Hi, darling.
72
00:04:20,950 --> 00:04:23,180
These stories are great.
73
00:04:23,230 --> 00:04:26,859
I don't really remember Uncle Nick.
74
00:04:26,910 --> 00:04:28,628
(All) You are so lucky.
75
00:04:28,670 --> 00:04:31,025
I'm going to get my pencil and paper.
76
00:04:31,070 --> 00:04:35,109
Ask us whatever you like, Kenzo,
and we'll answer all your questions
77
00:04:35,150 --> 00:04:37,948
as openly and as honestly
as we possibly can.
78
00:04:37,990 --> 00:04:40,265
There is so much he must never know.
79
00:04:41,270 --> 00:04:43,340
Your husband's so funny.
80
00:04:43,390 --> 00:04:45,506
Yes, he's a scream.
81
00:04:45,550 --> 00:04:47,188
Come, join us.
82
00:04:47,230 --> 00:04:50,108
In what order?
83
00:04:50,150 --> 00:04:51,503
Eh?
84
00:04:52,510 --> 00:04:54,501
Nick, don't do that.
85
00:04:56,310 --> 00:04:58,699
Nick, take your hand off my...
Whoa! Whoa!
86
00:04:59,790 --> 00:05:01,781
(Both scream)
87
00:05:03,110 --> 00:05:04,907
Oh, hi, Rita.
88
00:05:05,990 --> 00:05:07,662
Rita, this is Dad.
89
00:05:07,710 --> 00:05:08,699
Dad, Rita.
90
00:05:14,830 --> 00:05:17,139
Sylvia's got a huge crush on me.
91
00:05:28,270 --> 00:05:31,740
It's amazing that a young girl
like that would go for a mature,
92
00:05:31,790 --> 00:05:33,621
but attractive, chap like me.
93
00:05:33,670 --> 00:05:37,026
Look at this. Look. Look.
Actress, model.
94
00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:38,981
Masseuse.
95
00:05:39,030 --> 00:05:42,386
- She's a prostitute.
- She's a prostitute.
96
00:05:42,430 --> 00:05:44,705
Ultra ribbed?
97
00:05:44,750 --> 00:05:46,820
Haven't you ever heard of potpourri?
98
00:05:47,910 --> 00:05:52,028
Those are for Michael. I want him
to feel OK about his sexuality.
99
00:05:52,070 --> 00:05:53,947
Why, is he a jessie?
100
00:05:56,270 --> 00:05:57,544
Oh.
101
00:06:00,230 --> 00:06:01,583
Oh, you feel nice.
102
00:06:01,630 --> 00:06:02,619
(Kissing)
103
00:06:10,190 --> 00:06:13,899
I think we should call it...
Shut Up And Kiss Me.
104
00:06:13,950 --> 00:06:15,303
Oh.
105
00:06:16,590 --> 00:06:17,739
Uh-oh.
106
00:06:20,910 --> 00:06:22,901
Oh!
107
00:06:25,910 --> 00:06:26,899
(Knock on door)
108
00:06:26,950 --> 00:06:30,465
(Susan) I'm still here and I know
what you're doing, so stop it.
109
00:06:32,470 --> 00:06:34,620
You know the other night...
110
00:06:34,670 --> 00:06:37,628
your mother secretly videoed me going at it
111
00:06:37,670 --> 00:06:39,342
while she was trying to sleep.
112
00:06:39,390 --> 00:06:41,984
(Chuckles)
113
00:06:42,030 --> 00:06:44,021
I mean... I'll show you the tape.
114
00:06:45,670 --> 00:06:47,228
No.
115
00:06:48,030 --> 00:06:50,385
No child should ever have to see
his parents doing that.
116
00:06:50,430 --> 00:06:53,183
No, no. It's not what you see that's horrible,
117
00:06:53,230 --> 00:06:57,269
it's... it's what you can hear that's so gross.
118
00:06:57,310 --> 00:07:01,189
I'm grunting and snorting like a wild animal.
119
00:07:01,230 --> 00:07:02,549
It's not human.
120
00:07:02,590 --> 00:07:04,865
No wonder your mother's had enough. Ha!
121
00:07:06,550 --> 00:07:08,666
(Speaking Spanish)
122
00:07:19,870 --> 00:07:21,861
(Screeches and yells)
123
00:07:29,110 --> 00:07:30,429
Number three.
124
00:07:30,470 --> 00:07:33,667
What was it like growing up in your house?
125
00:07:33,710 --> 00:07:36,588
Well, we all got on...
126
00:07:36,630 --> 00:07:37,619
well.
127
00:07:37,670 --> 00:07:39,388
- We did?
- Yes.
128
00:07:39,430 --> 00:07:41,500
Sure we had our moments of conflict,
129
00:07:41,550 --> 00:07:44,462
but, at the end of the day,
we were always there for each other.
130
00:07:44,510 --> 00:07:46,182
We were?
131
00:07:46,230 --> 00:07:48,425
Of course.
132
00:07:48,470 --> 00:07:51,587
Kenzo, this house was always
full of love and laughter.
133
00:07:52,630 --> 00:07:54,029
Yeah.
134
00:07:54,070 --> 00:07:56,664
Kenzo, you might want
to let me answer this one.
135
00:07:57,830 --> 00:07:59,821
(Mutters)
136
00:08:07,030 --> 00:08:08,702
What's with the bread abuse?
137
00:08:08,750 --> 00:08:12,663
Sorry, dear. I was pretending it was
your stupid father's stupid head.
138
00:08:15,030 --> 00:08:17,590
Are you sure you can handle that coffee?
Remember that tooth?
139
00:08:17,630 --> 00:08:19,700
My tooth is fine, OK.
140
00:08:19,750 --> 00:08:20,739
Ow.
141
00:08:20,790 --> 00:08:21,825
What was that?
142
00:08:21,870 --> 00:08:24,304
- Michael.
- Ow.
143
00:08:25,990 --> 00:08:29,187
Scare me. Come on.
Try and put me down.
144
00:08:29,230 --> 00:08:31,300
You're losing hair,
you're getting turkey neck
145
00:08:31,350 --> 00:08:34,342
and the reason you're a dentist
is you failed to get into medical school.
146
00:08:36,430 --> 00:08:37,988
What's the camera for?
147
00:08:38,030 --> 00:08:40,385
I'm making a film about Ben and Susan.
148
00:08:40,430 --> 00:08:42,148
Oh, a horror film.
149
00:08:42,190 --> 00:08:43,225
I'm home!
150
00:08:43,270 --> 00:08:44,385
- Dad.
- No.
151
00:08:44,430 --> 00:08:46,421
Fair enough.
152
00:08:46,470 --> 00:08:49,826
He needs care, love and tenderness.
153
00:08:49,870 --> 00:08:52,304
- Hi, Mum.
- Where the hell have you been?!
154
00:08:53,550 --> 00:08:55,461
I heard shouting.
155
00:08:55,510 --> 00:08:59,344
Yeah, there was a lot of
plain speaking on both sides.
156
00:08:59,390 --> 00:09:01,858
What have you done?
157
00:09:01,910 --> 00:09:03,707
I may have to go away for a while.
158
00:09:05,150 --> 00:09:08,745
- I hate this family.
- That's being melodramatic.
159
00:09:09,270 --> 00:09:12,819
I can safely say this is the most exciting day
of my entire life.
160
00:09:12,870 --> 00:09:15,543
- See.
- I'm finally blowing this dump.
161
00:09:16,550 --> 00:09:19,986
It's funny about you, sometimes you come over
as a right ungrateful cow.
162
00:09:20,030 --> 00:09:22,464
Ah, thanks for the "sometimes", Mum.
163
00:09:22,510 --> 00:09:25,263
I'm going to post my boot up her...
164
00:09:25,310 --> 00:09:26,948
Aha.
165
00:09:28,310 --> 00:09:31,222
How I miss that cheeky little monkey.
166
00:09:31,270 --> 00:09:33,261
Arrivederci, old bean.
167
00:09:34,510 --> 00:09:35,545
Adieu.
168
00:09:35,590 --> 00:09:36,579
Good...
169
00:09:36,630 --> 00:09:38,029
Bye.
170
00:09:40,390 --> 00:09:43,382
I'm your mother, you can talk to me.
171
00:09:45,470 --> 00:09:47,506
Did you talk to your mother?
172
00:09:56,510 --> 00:09:58,307
All right, Michael, you can go.
173
00:09:59,550 --> 00:10:03,338
Parents are obsolete.
The Army's my mother and my father.
174
00:10:07,870 --> 00:10:11,226
So, Kenzo, does that answer your question?
175
00:10:11,270 --> 00:10:14,740
Actually, I didn't get most of that.
176
00:10:14,790 --> 00:10:17,862
Good. Good.
177
00:10:17,910 --> 00:10:19,662
Grandpa?
178
00:10:19,710 --> 00:10:21,029
Tell me about your work.
179
00:10:21,070 --> 00:10:23,345
Grandpa's not the only one who works.
180
00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:26,188
Yet he's the only one who pays the bills.
181
00:10:26,230 --> 00:10:28,824
Do you like your job, Grandpa?
182
00:10:30,950 --> 00:10:33,100
You're going to need more paper.
183
00:10:33,150 --> 00:10:35,027
This is a new pad.
184
00:10:35,070 --> 00:10:36,469
I know.
185
00:10:38,710 --> 00:10:40,985
- What's that smell?
- I don't know.
186
00:10:41,030 --> 00:10:43,225
- Probably Mr Donnelly...
- Excuse me.
187
00:10:43,270 --> 00:10:45,864
Susan Barrington Harper...
188
00:10:45,910 --> 00:10:47,468
Cautiously optimistic.
189
00:10:47,510 --> 00:10:49,626
...two votes.
190
00:10:49,670 --> 00:10:51,228
What?
191
00:10:51,270 --> 00:10:52,589
Two.
192
00:10:52,630 --> 00:10:54,143
I demand a recount.
193
00:10:55,470 --> 00:10:57,665
One, two.
194
00:10:57,710 --> 00:10:58,938
What can I do for you?
195
00:10:58,990 --> 00:11:01,140
I chipped a tooth
and it's affecting my work.
196
00:11:01,190 --> 00:11:02,179
Your work?
197
00:11:02,230 --> 00:11:04,221
What are you, a vampire?
198
00:11:04,270 --> 00:11:05,908
No, I'm an actor.
199
00:11:05,950 --> 00:11:08,589
Oh, great.
200
00:11:08,630 --> 00:11:09,983
Janey!
201
00:11:10,030 --> 00:11:11,349
What?
202
00:11:11,390 --> 00:11:13,779
Please, this is a surgery, not a nursery.
203
00:11:13,830 --> 00:11:17,106
The only screams I want to hear
are those of Mr Fleming.
204
00:11:17,150 --> 00:11:18,947
What have you done with your umbrella?
205
00:11:18,990 --> 00:11:21,550
It's probably still at the police station.
206
00:11:22,590 --> 00:11:25,229
- Your badge?
- I think I left it in casualty.
207
00:11:25,270 --> 00:11:28,706
- What about your clipboard?
- A baboon ran off with it.
208
00:11:28,750 --> 00:11:31,548
Oh, well, at least you took them to the zoo.
209
00:11:31,590 --> 00:11:33,342
No.
210
00:11:33,390 --> 00:11:36,063
Shut up, you, this is all your fault.
211
00:11:36,110 --> 00:11:38,908
- Me?
- You've been willing him to fail.
212
00:11:38,950 --> 00:11:41,510
I see, I've been beaming
special sort of failure rays at him.
213
00:11:41,550 --> 00:11:44,940
I wouldn't put it past you.
Lay off the beer. Work day tomorrow.
214
00:11:44,990 --> 00:11:47,550
- Eh? I've still got the job?
- Yes.
215
00:11:47,590 --> 00:11:50,548
Wow. I've never had a second day before.
216
00:11:50,590 --> 00:11:52,865
Where do you want me?
217
00:11:52,910 --> 00:11:55,470
On the floor...
218
00:11:55,510 --> 00:11:57,740
- or in the chair?
- Ooh!
219
00:11:57,790 --> 00:12:01,908
In the Brotherhood of the Cockerel,
you start off as a hatchling.
220
00:12:01,950 --> 00:12:05,181
Then a chick.
Eventually you progress to bantam.
221
00:12:05,230 --> 00:12:07,505
Ooh!
222
00:12:07,550 --> 00:12:11,748
Then one day, like me,
you become the big cock.
223
00:12:14,350 --> 00:12:18,423
There's something about that
that sounds so right.
224
00:12:18,470 --> 00:12:21,542
Congratulations, Harper.
You're now admitted to this fraternity.
225
00:12:21,590 --> 00:12:24,150
- Cock-a-doodle-doo.
- Cock-a-doodle-doo.
226
00:12:24,190 --> 00:12:26,579
So, brothers, in time-honoured fashion
227
00:12:26,630 --> 00:12:29,190
it is incumbent upon me to say...
228
00:12:29,230 --> 00:12:30,948
let's party!
229
00:12:30,990 --> 00:12:34,505
♪ It's raining men, hallelujah
230
00:12:34,550 --> 00:12:37,701
♪ It's raining men, amen ♪
231
00:12:40,350 --> 00:12:41,624
Kenzo.
232
00:12:41,670 --> 00:12:45,185
- Hi, Uncle Alfie.
- I heard about your little project.
233
00:12:45,230 --> 00:12:47,790
Now, although I've only known
the Harpers a few years,
234
00:12:47,830 --> 00:12:50,219
I thought you might like
an outsider's perspective.
235
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:52,659
- Sure.
- I've written a song about them.
236
00:12:52,710 --> 00:12:54,905
- Would you like to hear it?
- Yes, please.
237
00:12:54,950 --> 00:12:56,269
OK. (Clears throat)
238
00:12:58,350 --> 00:13:01,547
♪ The Harpers put the A in adoration
239
00:13:01,590 --> 00:13:02,739
♪ Yes it's true
240
00:13:02,790 --> 00:13:07,306
♪ The B into beloved and the C in cherish too
241
00:13:07,350 --> 00:13:09,659
# They put the D in dear
242
00:13:09,710 --> 00:13:11,826
# As for E eternity
243
00:13:11,870 --> 00:13:14,145
# But they best thing that they do
244
00:13:14,190 --> 00:13:16,579
# Is put the F in family
245
00:13:16,630 --> 00:13:21,181
# The F in family, the F in family
246
00:13:21,230 --> 00:13:23,790
# Everyone loves the Harpers
247
00:13:23,830 --> 00:13:25,502
# They're the F in family
248
00:13:29,990 --> 00:13:31,582
#Janey is quite shallow
249
00:13:31,630 --> 00:13:33,461
# But she sure knows how to shock
250
00:13:33,510 --> 00:13:36,104
# And when it comes to boyfriends
251
00:13:36,150 --> 00:13:38,789
# Well she don't know when to stop
252
00:13:38,830 --> 00:13:40,946
# Michael is the brightest
253
00:13:40,990 --> 00:13:43,550
# But lonely so I've heard
254
00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:45,421
# His best friend is his laptop
255
00:13:45,470 --> 00:13:47,745
# He's a geeky mega nerd
256
00:13:47,790 --> 00:13:52,068
# The F in family, the F in family
257
00:13:52,110 --> 00:13:54,305
# Everyone loves the Harpers
258
00:13:54,350 --> 00:13:57,342
# They're the F in family
259
00:14:01,190 --> 00:14:02,623
# The eldest Nick has gone away
260
00:14:02,670 --> 00:14:05,662
# And nobody knows where
261
00:14:05,710 --> 00:14:10,386
# Not only is he not all herehe's also not all there
262
00:14:10,430 --> 00:14:12,500
# Susan is long suffering
263
00:14:12,550 --> 00:14:14,666
# So generous and kind
264
00:14:14,710 --> 00:14:17,224
# And Ben is too short-tempered
265
00:14:17,270 --> 00:14:19,465
# At least that's what I find
266
00:14:19,510 --> 00:14:23,583
# Susan is the reason for any unity
267
00:14:23,630 --> 00:14:28,704
# And Ben is the reasonthey're the F in family
268
00:14:28,750 --> 00:14:33,301
# The F in family, the F in family
269
00:14:33,350 --> 00:14:35,420
# Everyone loves the Harpers
270
00:14:35,470 --> 00:14:39,543
♪ They're the F in family
271
00:14:39,590 --> 00:14:41,979
♪ Ooh-ooh! ♪
272
00:14:43,070 --> 00:14:47,348
So, what do you think, Kenzo?
Would you like me to put that song on a disc?
273
00:14:47,390 --> 00:14:51,349
I don't think so.
It just didn't wow me.
274
00:14:55,670 --> 00:14:57,501
Oh, hello, Kenzo.
275
00:14:57,550 --> 00:14:59,381
Hi, Uncle Roger.
276
00:14:59,430 --> 00:15:03,059
Isn't it rude to just barge in without knocking?
277
00:15:03,110 --> 00:15:05,783
Ha-ha! You little... scamp.
278
00:15:09,030 --> 00:15:10,304
Oh!
279
00:15:10,350 --> 00:15:12,580
It's a nice elephant.
280
00:15:12,630 --> 00:15:14,268
Thank you.
281
00:15:14,310 --> 00:15:19,179
So, Uncle Roger, can I ask you some questions
for my school project?
282
00:15:19,230 --> 00:15:21,903
Ask and ye shall receive.
283
00:15:21,950 --> 00:15:23,303
What?
284
00:15:23,350 --> 00:15:25,818
Just, just go ahead.
285
00:15:26,950 --> 00:15:29,828
What's your favourite part
of being in this family?
286
00:15:30,910 --> 00:15:32,025
Well...
287
00:15:32,070 --> 00:15:36,825
I, I was married
to your Auntie Abi...
288
00:15:36,870 --> 00:15:42,422
but then, erm, she joined a nunnery and, erm...
289
00:15:42,470 --> 00:15:44,108
Just get a grip.
290
00:15:46,510 --> 00:15:52,380
Well, then, I suppose,
it would be the witty banter
291
00:15:52,430 --> 00:15:55,581
and warm relationship
that I share with your grandpa.
292
00:15:59,110 --> 00:16:01,419
You'll never guess who turned up
at the surgery today.
293
00:16:01,470 --> 00:16:03,586
That chirpy, irritating little pillock...
294
00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:05,905
- Hello, Ben.
- Hello, Roger.
295
00:16:05,950 --> 00:16:09,067
- What the hell are you doing here?
- You did say any time.
296
00:16:09,110 --> 00:16:13,023
I don't remember the words "Come
to my house" in the same sentence.
297
00:16:13,070 --> 00:16:16,858
It's Christma-a-a-s!
298
00:16:16,910 --> 00:16:18,787
Oh, my God.
299
00:16:18,830 --> 00:16:21,503
- Ho, ho, ho, Ben.
- Go, go, go, Roger.
300
00:16:22,590 --> 00:16:27,345
If things slow down,
I've always got my balloon animals.
301
00:16:27,390 --> 00:16:29,426
Can you guess what this will become?
302
00:16:30,350 --> 00:16:32,341
A rectal thermometer.
303
00:16:33,470 --> 00:16:34,983
Why did you say gay?
304
00:16:35,030 --> 00:16:37,863
- Yes, why did you say that?
- What... I... er...
305
00:16:37,910 --> 00:16:40,583
You know, I meant happy as in gay happy.
Gay happy.
306
00:16:40,630 --> 00:16:44,259
Why change these words?
It's political correctness gone mad.
307
00:16:44,310 --> 00:16:47,746
Hello. Hope you don't mind me
coming around the back.
308
00:16:47,790 --> 00:16:49,064
I'm saying nothing.
309
00:16:49,110 --> 00:16:50,862
Susan. Mwah. Mwah.
310
00:16:50,910 --> 00:16:53,504
Perhaps you can't do crosswords at all.
311
00:16:53,550 --> 00:16:54,539
(Patient laughs)
312
00:16:54,590 --> 00:16:56,899
I can, actually.
And I write my own clues.
313
00:16:56,950 --> 00:16:58,861
Get out of my surgery, four, three.
314
00:16:58,910 --> 00:17:00,309
Four, three?
315
00:17:03,150 --> 00:17:06,620
I was at her flat when suddenly
the door flew off its hinges.
316
00:17:06,670 --> 00:17:08,547
You got your money's worth then.
317
00:17:09,590 --> 00:17:10,784
(Mouths)
318
00:17:10,830 --> 00:17:12,900
No. It was a police raid.
319
00:17:12,950 --> 00:17:16,022
Sarah got taken away
and I shot off through the window.
320
00:17:21,870 --> 00:17:24,225
What else could you do?
321
00:17:25,510 --> 00:17:27,819
What are you doing to my surgery? Eh?
322
00:17:27,870 --> 00:17:30,782
You've turned this into
the Tooth Fairy's shag pad.
323
00:17:30,830 --> 00:17:33,822
- Would it help if I say I'm sorry?
- No.
324
00:17:33,870 --> 00:17:35,189
What about Dennis?
325
00:17:35,230 --> 00:17:38,142
(Animated voice) I'm sorry, Ben. Mwah.
326
00:17:40,150 --> 00:17:41,868
Ow!
327
00:17:41,910 --> 00:17:45,505
Because I feel so sorry about
the way things have worked out,
328
00:17:45,550 --> 00:17:47,427
I've got a little present for you.
329
00:17:47,470 --> 00:17:50,906
- Really? You're leaving dentistry.
- No.
330
00:17:50,950 --> 00:17:55,307
If I'd wanted something pointless hanging
in my surgery, I'd use you.
331
00:17:55,350 --> 00:17:57,500
- I see.
- Don't give me the puppy eyes.
332
00:17:57,550 --> 00:18:00,747
You knew I was evil
when you took the surgery upstairs.
333
00:18:00,790 --> 00:18:02,143
Touché.
334
00:18:02,190 --> 00:18:04,499
- Get out, Roger.
- Smell my flower, Ben.
335
00:18:04,550 --> 00:18:07,667
- (Susan) Who is it, Ben?
- It's all right, darling. It's OK.
336
00:18:07,710 --> 00:18:11,020
It's just carol singers,
I'm putting the hose on them.
337
00:18:11,070 --> 00:18:13,186
- Just get out.
- Wait.
338
00:18:13,230 --> 00:18:15,425
- (Hand buzzer)
- Aah!
339
00:18:15,470 --> 00:18:17,665
Stop it! Stop it! Watch it!
340
00:18:17,710 --> 00:18:21,339
- Just get! Get out! Get out!
- Argh!
341
00:18:23,030 --> 00:18:24,588
Yes.
342
00:18:24,630 --> 00:18:27,349
Well, he might seem
a bit gruff at times but...
343
00:18:27,390 --> 00:18:32,225
deep down he's a good-hearted,
sweet-natured gentleman.
344
00:18:32,270 --> 00:18:34,579
Sorry, who are we talking about?
345
00:18:37,630 --> 00:18:40,098
Just give Mummy a shout
if you need anything else. Bye.
346
00:18:41,190 --> 00:18:42,987
Whoa!
347
00:18:43,030 --> 00:18:44,258
Where are you going?
348
00:18:44,310 --> 00:18:46,619
- Erm, to see Kenzo.
- Oh, he's working.
349
00:18:46,670 --> 00:18:49,582
- I wrote another song.
- That's not going to happen.
350
00:18:49,630 --> 00:18:52,349
- Yeah, but I...
- Don't call us, we'll call you.
351
00:18:52,390 --> 00:18:56,986
How do you know Kenzo doesn't want to hear
another song from Uncle Alfie?
352
00:18:57,030 --> 00:19:01,387
He used the phrase, "I don't want to hear
another song from Uncle Alfie."
353
00:19:01,430 --> 00:19:03,944
Well, anything could be read into that.
354
00:19:03,990 --> 00:19:07,380
- Oh, Mike, he's ready to see you.
- Oh, I see how it works.
355
00:19:07,430 --> 00:19:08,829
The dull brother gets to go in
356
00:19:08,870 --> 00:19:11,703
but the idiosyncratic Welsh lodger
is left out in the cold.
357
00:19:11,750 --> 00:19:13,263
Yep, that's pretty much it.
358
00:19:13,310 --> 00:19:15,107
What are you going to talk to him about?
359
00:19:15,150 --> 00:19:16,708
Dating experiences.
360
00:19:16,750 --> 00:19:18,069
You haven't had any.
361
00:19:18,110 --> 00:19:20,066
Not mine, Janey's.
362
00:19:20,110 --> 00:19:21,623
I'll see you in three hours.
363
00:19:21,670 --> 00:19:24,867
Wait! If you're going to talk to him
about my boyfriends,
364
00:19:24,910 --> 00:19:27,504
I'm going to tell him about your girlfriends.
365
00:19:29,270 --> 00:19:31,181
- It's Brian.
- I broke up with him.
366
00:19:31,230 --> 00:19:33,619
- He must have forgotten.
- Tell him again.
367
00:19:33,670 --> 00:19:35,422
No. It's over. You tell him.
368
00:19:35,470 --> 00:19:36,869
I'm not...
369
00:19:38,430 --> 00:19:40,227
Janey!
370
00:19:41,630 --> 00:19:43,586
Hello. Brian.
371
00:19:44,790 --> 00:19:47,702
No, it's not Janey, it's erm...
372
00:19:49,230 --> 00:19:50,982
It's her dad. Yeah.
373
00:19:51,030 --> 00:19:53,180
Yes, I...
374
00:19:53,230 --> 00:19:55,619
Yes, I'm afraid it is serious.
375
00:19:56,630 --> 00:19:58,586
Oh, look, don't cry, Brian.
376
00:19:59,750 --> 00:20:01,900
It's me. Michael.
377
00:20:01,950 --> 00:20:03,781
Weren't we supposed to be on a date?
378
00:20:08,110 --> 00:20:09,748
So, we still on then?
379
00:20:11,510 --> 00:20:14,502
So erm, how many times
have you been into space?
380
00:20:14,550 --> 00:20:16,222
Well...
381
00:20:16,270 --> 00:20:19,068
it's kind of top-secret and I don't like to brag.
382
00:20:19,110 --> 00:20:21,704
Too bad, because that would really turn me on.
383
00:20:21,750 --> 00:20:23,866
Seven.
384
00:20:23,910 --> 00:20:27,869
I've always been drawn to cynical pigs.
385
00:20:27,910 --> 00:20:31,869
- I like poppies.
- No, don't spoil it.
386
00:20:31,910 --> 00:20:36,108
You are a starless night sky, Ben Harper.
387
00:20:36,150 --> 00:20:40,223
Yeah. You know, you're not the first person
to have told me that.
388
00:20:40,270 --> 00:20:42,864
So, Janey. What have you been up to?
389
00:20:49,830 --> 00:20:51,422
(Susan) Morning.
390
00:20:51,470 --> 00:20:55,019
I'm not having sex, if that's what you mean.
391
00:20:55,070 --> 00:20:57,538
I'm going out with two girls
at the same time.
392
00:21:10,430 --> 00:21:11,863
(Phone)
393
00:21:11,910 --> 00:21:13,866
Hello.
394
00:21:13,910 --> 00:21:15,707
Are you having trouble breathing?
395
00:21:16,750 --> 00:21:18,547
Use your inhaler.
396
00:21:19,630 --> 00:21:21,222
Not for that!
397
00:21:22,990 --> 00:21:25,345
Susan, there you are.
398
00:21:25,390 --> 00:21:28,621
Ha! So I am.
399
00:21:28,670 --> 00:21:31,980
- Thought I'd missed you.
- No, no. No such luck.
400
00:21:33,870 --> 00:21:37,021
- I've got the cinema tickets.
- Ah.
401
00:21:37,070 --> 00:21:39,220
I've booked us a double banquette.
402
00:21:39,270 --> 00:21:41,465
I don't "banquette" till the third date.
403
00:21:44,030 --> 00:21:46,146
Well, this is a third date.
404
00:21:48,350 --> 00:21:49,863
(Ben) They're coming this way.
405
00:21:49,910 --> 00:21:53,107
- Don't panic!
- They'll see us. They'll see us.
406
00:22:05,110 --> 00:22:06,702
Why does he have to be so...
407
00:22:09,430 --> 00:22:11,466
...in bed?
408
00:22:11,510 --> 00:22:12,909
Mon ami.
409
00:22:14,310 --> 00:22:15,902
Je t'aime toujours.
410
00:22:16,950 --> 00:22:19,544
S'il vous plait ce soir...
411
00:22:21,790 --> 00:22:23,348
Michael?
412
00:22:23,390 --> 00:22:25,301
- Molly?
- Ben?
413
00:22:25,350 --> 00:22:26,339
Mum.
414
00:22:28,990 --> 00:22:31,220
You're going to tell him about all that?
415
00:22:31,270 --> 00:22:34,660
Yeah, on second thoughts,
maybe an Alfie song is the way to go.
416
00:22:37,950 --> 00:22:39,224
Question ten.
417
00:22:39,270 --> 00:22:42,740
What's the most important thing
in a family?
418
00:22:42,790 --> 00:22:46,578
Well, it's good communication.
419
00:22:46,630 --> 00:22:49,588
- Right, Ben?
- What?
420
00:22:49,630 --> 00:22:51,985
Yep. Absolutely.
421
00:22:52,030 --> 00:22:54,703
- It's what makes marriage so strong.
- Uh-huh.
422
00:22:54,750 --> 00:22:56,945
For instance, we never go to bed angry.
423
00:22:59,550 --> 00:23:01,347
Who is this?
424
00:23:03,270 --> 00:23:04,862
Oh my, what have you done?
425
00:23:04,910 --> 00:23:07,105
I recorded last night's one-man show.
426
00:23:07,150 --> 00:23:10,267
You taped me without my consent!
427
00:23:10,310 --> 00:23:13,541
- Think of it as CCTV gone wild.
- Susan!
428
00:23:13,590 --> 00:23:18,220
That is a violation
of the unwritten laws of marriage.
429
00:23:19,230 --> 00:23:21,824
So is burping during sex
but you still do it.
430
00:23:23,270 --> 00:23:27,183
- She's old enough to be his mother.
- Don't exaggerate. She's not old.
431
00:23:30,710 --> 00:23:33,304
Some people appreciate fine cuisine, Ben.
432
00:23:33,350 --> 00:23:36,899
I haven't had a meal this tasty
since the chicken supreme on easyJet.
433
00:23:36,950 --> 00:23:38,463
Ah.
434
00:23:41,270 --> 00:23:43,147
Remember, Susan. Happy face.
435
00:23:44,630 --> 00:23:46,586
If I have to suffer, so do you.
436
00:23:46,630 --> 00:23:50,305
Honestly, Ben, if I thought you meant that,
I'd never cook again.
437
00:23:50,350 --> 00:23:52,181
Come on, Dad, open goal.
438
00:23:52,230 --> 00:23:54,266
(Mouths)
439
00:23:54,310 --> 00:23:57,063
It's my "everything in the fridge" stew.
440
00:23:57,110 --> 00:23:59,670
I'm using up all the food
before it goes bad.
441
00:23:59,710 --> 00:24:01,780
Mm. Smells like you're a little late.
442
00:24:03,470 --> 00:24:05,665
(Ben gurgling)
443
00:24:08,030 --> 00:24:09,429
(Coughing)
444
00:24:10,350 --> 00:24:12,466
'Ey!
445
00:24:12,510 --> 00:24:14,307
Whoo!
446
00:24:14,350 --> 00:24:16,466
Interesting meal tonight, Susan.
447
00:24:17,470 --> 00:24:20,701
I never knew sea urchins
were that versatile.
448
00:24:20,750 --> 00:24:23,059
There shouldn't be secrets
between husband and wife.
449
00:24:23,110 --> 00:24:25,101
All right. Lunch was crap.
450
00:24:27,350 --> 00:24:29,659
You know, no matter how depressed I am,
451
00:24:29,710 --> 00:24:33,419
you still have the power to depress me further.
452
00:24:33,470 --> 00:24:36,985
Anything worth doing is worth doing well.
453
00:24:37,030 --> 00:24:41,421
Oh my God.
What's Nick been embalming now?
454
00:24:42,870 --> 00:24:44,861
Dinner will be ready shortly.
455
00:24:45,990 --> 00:24:49,585
If you want a word to describe Ben,
look under C.
456
00:24:54,110 --> 00:24:56,704
We give it our best shot anyway.
457
00:24:56,750 --> 00:25:01,460
Whereas I think the most important part
of a family, you know, is trust.
458
00:25:03,190 --> 00:25:05,021
I mean it, Susan.
459
00:25:06,150 --> 00:25:08,380
Secrets and lies can destroy a family.
460
00:25:10,230 --> 00:25:13,825
That's why I am the most
trusting person you can meet.
461
00:25:15,110 --> 00:25:18,022
Ben's just been telling us
how delightful your children are.
462
00:25:18,070 --> 00:25:19,298
How many has he had?
463
00:25:19,350 --> 00:25:21,659
Sorry. Sorry, I am a bit late.
464
00:25:21,710 --> 00:25:23,302
Ten minutes. What kept you?
465
00:25:23,350 --> 00:25:28,299
I was taking my wife,
my blind wife, to work.
466
00:25:28,350 --> 00:25:30,784
Yeah. She's a tour guide.
467
00:25:32,270 --> 00:25:35,342
And luckily today is a mystery tour.
468
00:25:35,390 --> 00:25:39,178
- You promised not to tell her.
- You promised! You broke my trust!
469
00:25:39,230 --> 00:25:41,983
You broke her trust first,
it was already broken when I broke it.
470
00:25:42,030 --> 00:25:44,988
No, hers was already broken.
Mine was still intact.
471
00:25:45,030 --> 00:25:50,184
A blazing row after lunch.
Isn't that what Christmas is all about?
472
00:25:51,350 --> 00:25:55,980
You're right, Andy. When you're
at the top of your profession, as I am...
473
00:25:56,030 --> 00:25:59,067
I mean, my patients tend to treat me as a god,
474
00:25:59,110 --> 00:26:01,544
as I have in my hands
the power of life and death.
475
00:26:01,590 --> 00:26:02,909
Over their teeth.
476
00:26:04,110 --> 00:26:07,307
Oh yes, no, you're right. I did, yes.
"Ben Harper.
477
00:26:07,350 --> 00:26:10,342
"Bed, breakfast
and the girl of my dreams.
478
00:26:10,390 --> 00:26:15,987
"I have found my True North,
the solar flare I call Susan.
479
00:26:16,030 --> 00:26:17,986
"She's the only girl for me."
480
00:26:19,790 --> 00:26:21,303
- Let me see that.
- No, I...
481
00:26:21,350 --> 00:26:24,422
Come on, let me see.
Let me see it. Let me see it!
482
00:26:24,470 --> 00:26:26,381
Er. Ah! Here we are.
483
00:26:26,430 --> 00:26:28,580
"Ben Harper.
484
00:26:28,630 --> 00:26:30,427
"The toilet didn't flush."
485
00:26:34,750 --> 00:26:37,708
Oh, yes. Then there was the time that I had to...
486
00:26:37,750 --> 00:26:40,105
- Ben, Ben.
- You remember... what?
487
00:26:40,150 --> 00:26:41,742
Oh, bless.
488
00:26:44,550 --> 00:26:47,587
You know, it's not all fighting between us.
489
00:26:47,630 --> 00:26:49,985
No, that's true.
490
00:26:50,030 --> 00:26:52,498
Sometimes I'm so angry
I don't speak to you.
491
00:26:52,550 --> 00:26:53,869
Mm.
492
00:26:53,910 --> 00:26:59,143
I mean, you know,
we have the odd bit of fun, don't we?
493
00:26:59,190 --> 00:27:03,547
Oh. Our fun is odd all right.
494
00:27:03,590 --> 00:27:05,899
- Where shall we start?
- The living room.
495
00:27:05,950 --> 00:27:08,180
Yeah... No, that's too obvious.
496
00:27:08,230 --> 00:27:10,107
- What about the kitchen?
- Yeah.
497
00:27:10,150 --> 00:27:13,187
- Ben, I'm preparing dinner.
- We'll order takeaway.
498
00:27:13,230 --> 00:27:15,619
- The kids will be home soon.
- We'll change the locks.
499
00:27:15,670 --> 00:27:18,264
In that case, I've run out of reasons. Take me.
500
00:27:25,190 --> 00:27:26,987
The cupboard under the stairs.
501
00:27:31,110 --> 00:27:34,147
Sorry, you must be looking
for the geriatric ward.
502
00:27:36,990 --> 00:27:39,584
- I know! Our bedroom.
- Our bedroom.
503
00:27:39,630 --> 00:27:40,665
OK.
504
00:27:41,990 --> 00:27:43,264
- Hey!
- Tequila!
505
00:27:44,790 --> 00:27:46,508
(Sighs)
506
00:27:49,830 --> 00:27:53,459
So, what do you usually do now?
507
00:27:55,990 --> 00:27:57,708
What about this?
508
00:27:57,750 --> 00:28:00,708
That's nothing, baby,
they like this. OK.
509
00:28:00,750 --> 00:28:02,547
They really like that. OK.
510
00:28:02,590 --> 00:28:04,387
Yes, and what about this?
511
00:28:04,430 --> 00:28:06,386
What about... Oh God, oh God.
512
00:28:06,430 --> 00:28:09,149
- That's nothing, baby.
- How about this?
513
00:28:10,270 --> 00:28:12,579
OK, baby, yeah.
514
00:28:12,630 --> 00:28:13,699
Ye...
515
00:28:17,630 --> 00:28:19,666
Does Dad know about you two?
516
00:28:22,350 --> 00:28:25,501
Everybody,
Kenzo has an announcement to make.
517
00:28:25,550 --> 00:28:27,700
I got an A in my school project.
518
00:28:27,750 --> 00:28:28,978
- Bravo.
- Well done!
519
00:28:29,030 --> 00:28:31,100
We're so proud of you, darling.
520
00:28:31,150 --> 00:28:33,869
They want me to have a meeting
about it on Monday.
521
00:28:36,710 --> 00:28:40,020
By the way,
what's a child psychologist?
37566
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