All language subtitles for My Family - S09E03 - A Very Brief Encounter

(Susan) Then she called out of the blue.
I didn't recognise her voice.

Mm-hm.

- It was such a pleasant surprise.
- Yeah. Yeah.

It must be 30 years
since we last saw each other

and there she was on the phone.

- Yeah.
- Can you believe it?

No?

- Neither can I.
- Mm. Mm. Mm.

We were such good friends at university.

It's a shame that two people so close
can just grow apart.

Yeah.

You're not listening to me, are you?

Yea...

No?

- Too late.
- Look, Susan...

If you turn this whole diatribe
into an action thriller

- I promise to read it.
- This is serious.

Margot is going through a tough time.
She's getting a divorce.

Jason Bourne's got his problems
and people are trying to kill him!

You and he are about
to have something in common.

OK, fine. Go on, I'm all yours.

Margot is a friend in need
and we are going to be there for her.

We?

Sorry, Susan, this sounds like
a one-person job to me.

She must be devastated.
Imagine how hard it would be

if, after all these years,
you were suddenly left alone.

Ben!

I should have known 20 years ago
Phil was going to be trouble.

I should have gone with my instincts.

(Shouts) I'm home.

Well, everyone makes mistakes.

Hi, Ben. This is my friend, Margot.

Oh, Margot!
I've heard so much about you.

All of it last night!

So, you're the one
that took Susan off the market?

Yes. Impulse buy.

We were catching up on old times.
Do you want to join us?

Not really, don't want to get
in the middle of a... reunion.

I must admit the thought
of dating again terrifies me.

- Nonsense, you'll be fine.
- That's easy for you to say!

You were always so good
at picking up men!

You should have seen her back then.

She had all the boys
wrapped around her little finger.

Boys? Really?

You told me you only had
one boyfriend at university.

One or two.

- Ha! One or two dozen!
- (Susan giggles)

Really?

- Whatever happened to Nick?
- Nick? Ha!

He moved out ages ago. Good riddance.

Nick lived with you?

Yes, he lived with us. He's our son.

(Laughs) Oh!
I meant Susan's old boyfriend, Nick.

Hang on. You named our firstborn
after one of your boyfriends?

I just liked the name.

I like pizza but I'm not going
to call my son Pepperoni!

Oh, don't worry, Ben.
She was never serious about Nick.

I always thought
you'd end up with Michael.

Michael?!

It was so long ago.

You named our children
after your exes?

What about Janey?

Everybody experiments.

This is the last of Abi's stuff.

I want her belongings to be somewhere
they'll be treasured

and treated with the respect they deserve.

Whoa! Is that an electric toothbrush?

There's only one Abi.

I think we'd all agree on that.

I'll never find anyone else.

Sure you will.

Roger, you're better off. You'll see.

Just give it time.

Janey's right. Time heals all wounds.

In another 50 years you'll be dead
so you won't have to think about it.

Thank you, Alfie. You're my rock.

I know how difficult this is for you.

After my divorce
I wondered if I'd find someone else.

It took you two minutes.

That wasn't love.

Roger, maybe it's time
you got back out there.

No one would have me.

That's not true!
There's a lot of women who would have you.

Like?

Yeah, Janey. Like who?

Like...

Elke!

Who's Elke?

Yes, Janey. Who's Elke?

Elke. You, you know, Elke.

She's, er, she-she's Swedish.

- Ooh! A Swede.
- Yeah.

- That's so exotic.
- Uh-huh.

Does she have blonde hair?

Sure. Why not?

And... And she really showed an interest in me?

Well, how did she even see me?

She's a friend of a friend of a friend of mine
and she was over and...

The point is, if Elke likes you
there will be others.

Oh, just when you think
you've hit rock bottom

something like this comes along.

Thank you, Janey.

A blonde, Swedish girl called Elke?

What was I supposed to do?
The poor guy is a wreck.

I was just being nice.

I know. I just didn't know
that side of you existed.

So...

So what?

This Elke girl.

How about giving me a crack at her first?

- Would you like to talk?
- No.

Ben, I'm sorry...

When I said I didn't want to talk,
I meant I didn't want you to talk either.

- Is there anything you'd like to do?
- Oh yes!

But it'd take too much effort.

It involves digging a large hole
in the back yard.

All right, I get it.
You'll talk when you're ready.

We should have something named after
one of my girlfriends in this house.

Hm. How about a Labrador called Shirley?

I didn't think you liked dogs.

I didn't like Shirley much
but that's not the point.

I know you're upset, but think about it.

I may have named our children
after old boyfriends

but I had children with you.

Hm. I got the short end of that stick!

I can't help it
if I dated people with great names.

I am going to name my children
with more appropriate names.

I'm going to name Janey Genevieve,
after a university girlfriend.

- I'm going to name Michael Lewis.
- You experimented too!

He was my grandfather.

I can't look at you
without picturing you

with all those men and that, that...

...woman.

Blonde, was she?

- What does that matter?
- It's for later.

Hi, Dad.

Lewis.

Erm, my name's Michael.

Ah, Lewy, Lewy, Lewy, Lewy, Lewy.

My little Lewy.

- Are you having a stroke?
- Mm-hm.

From now on, Michael,
you will be called Lewis.

You, Janey, will be called Genevieve.

And you, Alfie, can still be Alfie.

Unless...

You didn't have an Alfie as well?

It was a one-nighter, Ben,
it didn't mean anything.

Hang on, I am fairly certain
I would have remembered that.

We're talking about a different Alfie.

That's a relief.

When you said it didn't mean anything
that really hurt my feelings.

(Doorbell)

- I'll get it.
- Thank you... Lewis.

- I made you French toast, dear.
- Oh, did you, dear?

Oh, that's so lovely of you
but I think I'll just have coffee.

- Morning.
- Is it?

Morning, Margot. How are you?

Better. Oh, I just love being round here.

Without Phil around
my place is so quiet.

There's no one to talk to.

Nothing to do
but read or watch telly.

Oh, what torture!

I've got a favour to ask you.

A friend told me that Phil's
going on a date this weekend.

I was thinking about going out to find somebody
to make him jealous.

Do you want to come?
I know it sounds petty.

I love being petty. It'll be fun.

Janey, do you want to join us
on a girls' night out?

Mum, pulling middle-aged men
isn't my idea of fun!

I'm not 20 any more!

I guess it's just you and me then.

- No. And me.
- What?

I thought I'd take Margot down to the local.
Meet some of my mates.

You don't have any mates.

It couldn't hurt, Susan.
Frankly, I could use some cheering up.

My divorce papers came through today.

Divorce papers? May I see?

Oooh! Mm.

Mm.

What? I just want to know
what they felt like.

My turn.

OK, Margot.

A white wine for you, a pint for me
and a Mojito for the old slapper.

Get over it, Ben.

It won't be too difficult to find you someone.
I'm very popular.

Ah! Hi, Kenny.

Go to hell, Harper.

He's a kidder. He's a...
Kenny the Kidder they call him.

Perhaps you should find a new local.
One where you're not so popular.

I am very popular, Susan.

Listen. I bet I was much better
at pulling than you ever were.

OK, Ben. You're on.

You've got one hour.
Whoever has the most phone numbers wins.

Oh really? OK, come on.
Let battle commence.

- Game on.
- Game on.

Maybe we should get out of here.
This was a stupid idea.

Oh, no. I'm going to stomp Ben
like a bunch of grapes.

And find you a man!

- Do you know those two ladies?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

The one with long, dark hair,
she's called Margot.

I'd go for her.

I was thinking about her friend,
she's pretty cute.

- Cute?
- Yeah.

If you like hepatitis.

Hi!

My name's Ben.

Anne.

Hi, Anne.

- What are you drinking?
- A vodka martini.

Mmm. If you're shaken, I'm stirred.
I'll get that.

Thank you.

That will be L7.

Can you just give me your phone number?

Cheers.

I'm flattered, Andy,

but I think what keeps me so limber
is that I used to be a gymnast.

Now I'm more into tantric yoga,

you know, the kind where you
work up a sweat.

I'd tell you more, but I need
your phone number first.

Thank you.

(Huskily) Hey erm,
my name's Ben Harper.

I was just wondering if you'd
give me your phone number.

Thank you very much.

(Quietly) Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry.

(Laughter)

Erm, it's very simple.

I give you five pounds if you give me
your phone number.

- What?
- Yeah.

Yeah, it's nothing creepy.
It's just that erm...

I'm using you to get to my wife.

OK.

(Man) So, what can I get you?

- White wine, please.
- Sure.

Oh, er, I'll get that.

Thanks, that's very sweet of you.

Not at all. Hi. My name is Ben.

Just erm...

Would you mind giving me your number
if I promise not to ring you?

I like a man with a sense of humour...
and a sexy voice.

- (Huskily) Oh, really?
- Mmm.

Can I touch your face?

It helps me get to know who I'm talking to.

Yeah, sure, sure.

I don't think it's going to happen.

By the way, did you tell Roger
you made up the whole Elke thing?

You know Roger.
It's in one ear and out the other.

He'd have walked out the door,
seen something shiny and forgotten.

- Somebody ask me a question.
- Why?

I'll answer you in Swedish.

I've been learning it to impress Elke.

- When do you think I can meet her?
- It's hard to say, Roger.

Almost impossible to say.

Why?

Er, because she volunteers. A lot.

She sounds so perfect for me.
Who does she volunteer for?

Charity. Sickness in general.

What a girl!

Janey, can I have a word?

I'm not sure the best way to help Roger

is by having his heart broken
by an imaginary Swedish girl...

as wonderful as she is.

I'm only trying to raise his spirits.

It's not going to end well.

When I was a boy
I had an imaginary friend.

I was devastated when I found out
I had made him up.

Right now Elke is all he's got
and I won't take her away from him.

I'm not going to let her string him along.

I'm going to put a stop to this right now!

Roger, I have something to tell you.

What?

This Elke...

Janey made her...

...dinner once.

She loved it.

He's all yours.

Well, I have 18. How many do you have?

One.

- What? This doesn't count.
- Why not?

Because it's from a man.

- You didn't specify gender.
- I didn't think we had to!

Technically, Jared's a female
trapped in a man's body.

I think I'm going home.

I only wish we'd found someone for you.

I just didn't really connect with anyone.

It's a shame because I really
wanted to make Phil jealous

by turning up with a date of my own.

Wait. Phil's never met Ben, has he?

No.

If you're really desperate
why don't you borrow him?

Might be worth a shot.

Hello, sorry. Anyone want my opinion?

Why? You're not doing anything
Friday night.

Erm, not doing...
I was looking forward to that.

Oh, Ben! What kind of husband are you
that won't go out with my friend?

All you have to do is sit and look pretty.

- Really? That sounds simple enough.
- Thank you, darling.

Oh, no, no! Jared's looking jealous.

Oh, darling! For me?

- For your date.
- For my... Very good!

- I wouldn't have thought of that.
- I know. Hurry and get changed.

Changed?
What's wrong with what I've got on?

I could explain but it would be faster
if you changed.

I'll find something for you.

When you get to the restaurant,

make sure Margot is seated
before you sit down.

- Pretend to hang on her every word.
- Mm-hm.

And try not to shovel the food in,
it's not a race.

I have done this before, you know.

Not very well.

Remember, you're there
to make her ex-husband jealous.

You have to make it look romantic.

What makes you think I can't be romantic?

No reason.

- What are you doing?
- Oh.

These are for Roger.

Haven't you done enough to that poor man?

No, I've handled it.

Roger's coming over tonight to meet Elke.

That should be very interesting.
Can I be here?

You have to be here. You're Elke!

Not on your life!

Listen, I've got it figured out, OK?

Once Roger arrives, you ring my phone.

I pretend you're Elke and you can't make it
because you've left the country.

Roger gets let down gently,
everybody's happy.

So, when you said you'd handled it,
you sort of didn't handle it.

- What's he doing now?
- What? Hm?

I think he's just told her a joke.

(Laughs loudly)

Margot, Margot, Margot, Margot!
Just tone it down just a gnat's.

You're sounding a little insane.

We've got to look as if we're
having more fun than them.

Leave it to me.

Could I have a bottle of your
finest champagne, please?

Because you, Margot, you are worth it.

You are paying for this?

- Yes! I'm using Phil's credit card.
- Good.

Two bottles of your finest champagne.

What's he doing now?

Give me your hand.

- Oh, really?
- Mmm.

(Ben) Oh.

- What about now?
- Mm-hm. He's feeding her.

- What do we do?
- Feed me!

It's soup.

So?

- What are you doing?
- Looking for some chicken!

Just get on with it!

No! Don't go round. Reach across!

Oh, what's he doing now?

He's feeding her again.

Here we go.

Down the old hatch.

What time did Elke say she was coming?

Oh, I'm not sure.

It's not like her to be late!

I'm sure she will be here any time!

(Mobile rings)

Oh. I wonder who that could be?

Hello?

Elke! We were just talking about you.

This is the stupidest idea
you've ever had.

Good. That's nice.

Nice to speak to you too.

What?

Oh, that-that-that's terrible.

You can't make it? Why?

Because I don't exist.

Roger's going to be
so, so, so, so disappointed.

- She's gone back to Sweden.
- Let me speak to her.

Did he say, "Let me speak to her"?

I'd really like to, please?

Janey, no. there is no way
I am speaking to Roger.

Oh!

Hi, er, hi, hi, er, Elke?

(High-pitched) Ja?

It, it's me. Roger.

Ja?

This is a very good connection.

You sound like you're in the next room.

Ja.

(Speaks Swedish)

Ja?

She said yes!

Oh! Bye, Elke. Oh!

Hej da.

What did you ask her?

She knows.

- Look at him! Phil's miserable.
- I'm sorry. Who's Phil?

To us.

- We did it.
- We certainly did.

Oh, look. Look.

He's looking very, very upset.

- (Sighs) Oh! Thank you, Ben.
- Cheers.

Well, my job is done and I think...
I think I'd better be going home.

One more bottle before we leave.

What's the harm?

(Dramatic music on TV)

Have you seen Ben?

Well, I've been up since three
and I haven't seen him.

Why were you up at three?

Even though, intellectually,
I know there are no animals to feed

my body refuses to believe it.

Then he never came home last night.

Wasn't he on a date with your friend?

- Yes.
- Oh no.

"Oh no" what?

Maybe you made him a little bit
too irresistible, Mrs Harper.

What?

Or maybe he drove off the road
and had a terrible car accident.

For Ben's sake, it had better be the car accident.

(Ben) Oh, my head!

Susan, have you got any aspirin?

Su?

Have you got... Su?

Mm-hm?

(Silent scream)

Oh!

Oh, thank God!

Oh, thank God!

Oh God! What have I done?

Yep, yep, yep. She's naked.

Yep, she's...

She's...

Just calm down, Harper.
Take a big, deep breath.

It's all right. Don't panic.

(Knocking at door)

(Softly) Don't panic.

What are you doing here?

Panicking!

(Buzzer and knocking)

(Susan) Margot!

It's all right. It's only Susan.

(Knocking)

(Susan) Margot!

(Ben mumbling)

I'm going to climb out your window.

I'm on the fourth floor!

It's preferable to what's on
the other side of that door!

Don't worry.
We've got nothing to hide.

- She said she was OK with it.
- I don't think she meant "it"!

(Susan) Margot!

Where is he?

You know, Susan, the whole thing
is really quite funny.

Yes. Ha, ha, ha. Ben!

It's fairly obvious you're in the wardrobe.

(Mouths)

I am going to count to three.

When I reach three, I'm going to assume
you're not in the wardrobe

and therefore won't be in danger
when I set fire to it.

One.

Two.

- I can explain everything.
- Ben, get out here!

I'd rather not.

How could you?

Susan, I swear to you, nothing happened.

Nothing...

Nothing happened, did it?

(Stammers) We didn't do anything!

We'd just had too much to drink, that's all.

Ben was nice enough to see me home.

He sang two verses of
I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt

and then passed out.

(Man knocks at door) Margot!

It's Phil! My God!

I need to talk to you!

- Susan hide!
- Why?

If he finds you and Ben,
he'll never understand!

He'll think it's Clacton all over again!

Listen, Margot...

Susan, please! Did I ever make
a play for one of your boyfriends?

No, but I could trust them.

Maybe you should have
married one of them!

Maybe I should!

Get in! I'll see what he wants,
get rid of him,

and we'll sort out this whole affair.

- Affair is a bad choice of words!
- Please!

I'm trying to save my marriage!

- I'm not hiding with him.
- I'm not hiding with you either.

Shut up!

You have the worst friends.

I have an even worse husband!

Look. Let's just calm down and think.

I, I swear to you,
I didn't do anything!

Prove it.

I drank champagne.

I drank champagne. You know what happens
when I drink champagne.

Oh, thank God!
You really didn't sleep with her!

(Phil) Seeing you with that other man
made me realise...

I'm still in love with you.

(Margot) I'm still in love with you too.

(Phil) Really?

The two of you looked
awfully cosy last night.

(Margot) Oh please!
He's a dentist for God's sake!

(Phil) A dentist?

What's so funny?

(Laughter)

(Phil) It's not serious?

(Margot) No, the man's a complete bore!

What the hell?!

I could never live without you.

I couldn't live without you either.

Well, I could but er...

...it wouldn't be as much fun.

Oh, Ben.

(Ben) Easy, tiger!

- I'm sorry, darling.
- Oh, I'm sorry too.

What the hell is going on?

- Do you mind?
- Excuse me!

(Mobile ringing)

Oh, it's Roger.

Hello?

What do you need?

Elke's number.

I'm in Sweden!

Sweden? What are you doing in Sweden?

Well, I asked if I could come
and visit and she said "Ja".

Don't you remember?
You were sitting right there.

Nice going, Elke!