All language subtitles for My Family - S07E09 - Life Begins At Fifty

Dad, listen Can you pick Kenzo up
from nursery this afternoon

and take him to the park?
I've got to run some errands

Yes, of course, darling

But I'll have to take my newspaper
with me, and of course my Scotch

Oh, Alfie, Alfie, Alfie Listen, can you
take Kenzo to the park this afternoon?

- Yeah, okay
- Thanks

I owe you one

I suppose I can always eat
this tangerine later

Oh, what a busy schedule
you have, Alfie

Sarcasm is a very blunt tool, Mr Harper

You might like to check out
some of the flats to rent

Once again, you've located
the chink in my armour

(CHUCKLING)

Ah

Just you and me, Scotchie

Oh, now it's just me

Hello again

What in God's name are you doing, woman?

It's like a sauna in there

Are you insane? I'm in danger
of losing a foot from frostbite!

Susan, what is

Great

SUSAN: (SCREAMING) Don't!

Don't!

Susan, if you don't let me
shut this window, so help me, I

I'll just put up with being
a little bit chilly, okay?

Another rough night?

(GRUNTS)

Your mother I can't take it any more

The mood swings, the emotional
outbursts, the sweaty towels

Well, you know what it is,
don't you, Dad?

I'm afraid so, Janey

Your mother's on drugs

- He doesn't have a clue, does he?
- Who's gonna talk to him?

Heads

Good luck

- Dad?
- Yeah

- Sit down
- Why?

We need to have a little talk

- What, must we?
- Yes This is important

You and Mum are at an age now
when your bodies are starting to change

- Oh, God!
- No, no

I'd rather you heard this from me
than from one of your friends

Maturity brings with it
certain hormonal changes

Michael, didn't you and I have
a little talk like this years ago?

You mumbled something about trains
and tunnels and went down the pub

This is really embarrassing, Mikey

There's nothing to be embarrassed about

It's perfectly normal
It's part of life

Dad, Mum is going through the menopause

- What?
- The change of life

Think about it The mood swings,
the hot flashes, the lapses in memory

She's been putting
this family through hell

Yeah

- That's normally your job
- Yeah

What am I supposed to do?

She's in denial
You've got to talk to her

Can I go now?

And you will talk to her?

Yeah, yeah, yeah Just
You know, don't go on about it

Ohh, hello, darling!

Hello! Welcome home

Don't be afraid I can do nice

So, I think we ought to sit down
and have a little talk Don't you?

- Yes, I think we do
- Yes, good

Because talking is good in a marriage,
isn't it? Don't you think?

You know, the give and take
The ebb and flow

The use of words into,
sort of, sentences, and, um

Yeah, I mean, I love that
about our marriage, don't you?

I mean, the sort of loving,
gentle communication

I got arrested for shoplifting

Sorry, what?

They said I took
a pair of £250 sunglasses

(SCOFFS)

(TITTERING)

Shoplifting? Well

Well, if you wanted something,
why didn't you come to me

and we could have discussed it?

(DOORBELL RINGING)

- Mr Harper?
- Yes

I'm John Barker, head of security
at Goddard's department store

- It's about your wife
- Come in

Not you again!

Mrs Harper, if we could
just discuss the incident

I told you I have no idea how
those sunglasses got into my pocket

Look, it should never
have got as far as the police

I've had a word with the store manager

and we don't want to
go ahead with the prosecution

You see? That's very good, isn't it?
Isn't that generous, Susan?

Yeah, we don't want the bad publicity

We are aware that many of our clientele
are women of a certain age

Yeah

- A certain age?
- That's a bad area, John Bad area

You see, Mrs Harper, this happens
more often than you think

Now, we'll drop the charges if you'll
come back to the police station

and explain
that you were simply forgetful

You know, if you're going through
that time of life

Time of life?

Don't go there, Johnny boy
Don't go there

Listen, don't dismiss it
out of hand entirely, Susan

I mean, you know Hey, forgetful

I mean, this could be a
"get out of jail free" card, literally

- No
- Come on, Susan, please

- Please, John's trying to be helpful
- Oh, I know what Joseph's trying to say

and I know exactly
what he's trying to suggest

Now get out of my house

You're making things
very difficult for me

Well, thank you very much, Jeremy,
but I don't need your help

I did not steal those sunglasses
and I am not forgetful

Well, if you change your mind,
here's my card

Good luck

Pillock!

Ben, did I handle that all right?

Yeah Yeah, that was I
That was very good

Did you want to talk to me
about something?

Not at the moment, no

You're in a good mood

Yesterday, I met the most sublime woman
Beautiful, charming, witty

Reminiscent of the young Grace Kelly

- Where did you meet her?
- Up the park

Only trouble is
she's labouring under a misapprehension

That you're from Earth?

No

She thinks I'm Kenzo's dad

Ah Using the little fellow as bait, eh?

Chuck him on the roundabout
and see what you can trawl up?

It wasn't quite that cynical, Michael,
but yes, that's basically what happened

You still think I did it, don't you?

No, I do not and I don't know
how you dare suggest that because

I'm just a little bit,
you know, disappointed

Little hurt, that's all

Ben Harper, look me in the eye
and tell me I'm innocent

(STAMMERING) Susan,
I think you're innocent

- The eye, Ben
- I think

- I think
- Yes?

(STAMMERING) I just know
that you're innocent

- Guess where we've just been?
- That's right, the London Aquarium

It is outrageous,
besmirching Susan's good name like this

Well, I'll tell you one thing
From now on I'll be buying

my gentleman's supports
from a different retailer

Calm down, Rog

(HUFFS)

We're all hurting

They're not fit to lick her boots
What do you think, Michael?

I didn't know you wore
a gentleman's support

I don't suppose anyone's seen my wallet,
have they?

And what's that supposed to mean?

Well, I wasn't accusing Mrs Harper,
if that's what you think

You better not be,

because Susan Harper is the most
inspirational person in my life

Besides my mother

Any male role models in your life?

None that spring to mind

(DOORBELL RINGING)

I'll go

Oh, hello again

Hi

Oh, um

- You dropped this yesterday in the park
- Oh, thank you

It's empty
They must have taken all the money out

Yeah

I suppose it doesn't matter

When you own a big house like this,
you really only use plastic

Well, I should explain I'm

Oh, I love the colours in here
So sexy, a guy with taste

Sexy

Well, I've always found
orange appealing

- The swings were fun yesterday
- Yeah You got really high

Thank you

- Hello
- Hello

Yes, hello Hello, Janey This is Janey

- Janey is Kenzo's mum
- Hi

- My My ex-wife
- What?

(MUMBLING)

Oh, yeah

You must be Alfie's friend
from the park, right?

Yes

So, you two must have
a really good relationship, then

- Oh, absolutely
- Yes Yes, we're still great friends

But the sex was never right,
was it, Alfie?

Thank you, Janey

I'd better get on

Um, look Here's my number

- Maybe we could get together sometime
- That would be great

Oh, I feel so strange

I don't know
whether it's the first rush of love

or I'm infused with a sense of guilt

Well, you know,

I get those two confused all the time

Oh, my babies have all grown up

Mum, those are Alfie's underpants

Susan, have you got that
really smart suit you sometimes wear?

Yes, why?

Good, 'cause you're going
to court on Tuesday

You've opened my post

- I can't believe it
- It's hardly surprising, is it?

I mean, you've had every chance
in the world to back down

- You still think I did it
- I don't

Why doesn't anyone believe me?

There's a very simple way
we can prove you're telling the truth

- Is your name Susan Harper?
- Yes

- Do you live in Chiswick?
- Yes

Was I an accident?

No

(FAST BEEPING)

Just stick to the point,
Mikey, will you?

What's going on in here?

Just giving your mother
a lie detector test

Borrowed it from college

Oh, wow
I haven't seen one of those since

Never mind
Mum, I have a question for you

- Was your first time with Dad?
- Yes

(FAST BEEPING)

- Stop abusing the technology, please
- Yes Yes, we're wasting time here

Okay, Mum, did you deliberately
steal those sunglasses?

No, I did not

- There, you see?
- All right, okay Hang on

Did you absentmindedly put them
in your pocket and leave the store

- without paying for them?
- No

(FAST BEEPING)

This is ridiculous
The machine is obviously broken

Susan, please, you can tell us

I mean, there are no secrets
between us, are there?

Of course not

(FRENZIED BEEPING)

I'm going for a lie down

(FAST BEEPING)

All right I'm going for a drink

Don't worry, Alfie
Melanie will be here soon

I can't stand it any longer

I thought things
were going well with her?

It's the deceit
I'm caught in my own web of lies

In fact, I'm like a spider
that's lost the protective mucus

that stops it sticking to its own web

Come on, Alfie
You've got plenty of mucus left

Why do they make these packets
so hard to open?

Someone wants a biscuit,
they want it now

Now look what you've done

I gonna get you the best lawyer

My biscuits, they're ruined

Hello Yes?

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Mmm-hmm I don't care what he costs

I want the best lawyer
money can buy, okay?

Yeah How much?

Well

How about the second-best lawyer?

Alfie

Are you sure the hospital is all right
about you having the day off?

Well, when you're the head surgeon
you can more or less do what you like

Harper, tell the staff
they can take the rest of the day off

Very generous, sir

(BELCHES)

Do you Do you speak English at all?

It's a shoplifting case

(SLOWLY) Shoplifting

No, not the whole bloody shop

Susan?

How about

you know, how about I defend you?

- What?
- You?

- Yes You know, I'm good at arguing
- No, Ben, you're good at shouting

Well, it's the same thing
It's just getting your point across

You're a dentist Would you allow
a lawyer to fill in one of your teeth?

Well, it's a lot easier than I've been
making it look all these years

And a decent lawyer costs 400 quid

- Oh, is that all?
- An hour

Oh

Oh, well

- Why not?
- Really?

Yeah I don't care

I don't care about anything any more

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hello

Hello, I'm Melanie Alfie's friend

You must be joking

Anyway, I wanted to speak to Janey,
his ex-wife

Oh, sorry, Janey
I think you'd better come in

Thank you

I wanted to speak to Janey today

because I know that Alfie
operates on a Monday

He operates on a Monday
Yeah Is it Monday already?

- What have you told her?
- How did the operation go?

He'll live

So Alfie told you
he's a surgeon Really?

I don't think you've been
entirely honest, have you, Alfie?

Please don't, Mr Harper

Because I think Alfie

is probably one of the best surgeons
in the whole world

Oh, please stop

Who is he?

- This is Mr Harper He's my
- Manservant

What procedure was it today?

Oh, you know, I don't like
to take my work home with me

Oh, no, no You never really do bring
any work home with you, do you, Alfie?

Take the rest of the day off,
starting now Go on

But who would press
your hunting trousers?

Oh, now wait You must think I'm stupid

You're right, Melanie
I'm sorry, I'm not a doctor

I don't have children

- I live in Mr Harper's box room
- Rent-free

The whole thing's been a tissue of lies

I was just talking
about the hunting trousers

So was I!

- Well, thank goodness for that
- Shall we?

Nice try

Hello, darling

How are you

- in yourself?
- I'm fine

Good, good That's very good,

because I think we should
have a little talk

Look at this advert There's this
little boy and he's got a cough

And his mother gives him medicine,

and then he goes back
to school the next day

(SOBBING)

Well, maybe we can leave it
for a bit later

- No, no, no We have to talk tactics
- Yeah, we do Absolutely

That's what I thinking Because I

I bought these law books

And, you know, they're really crazy
I mean, you know, gobbledegook

(CHUCKLES)

But something just jumped out and

You know it was something called

Oh, what was it now?
Oh, yes "Diminished responsibility"

I know It sounds bonkers, doesn't it?
You know, but

What it means is that if you, you know,

were to say that you were
going through some change

(STAMMERING) of life,

and that you were getting forgetful,
you know, temporarily,

there is a good chance
that they might let you off

It's crazy, isn't it?

I'm not going to lie

Why not?

I'm not going to stand up
in a court of law and lie

Susan, has it occurred to you
that you might be going through the

(CLEARS THROAT) menopause?

No

Why?

Because if I were, that would mean
I was getting o

o: : :

(STAMMERING) old

- And I'm not
- No, of course, you're not No

I mean, I know that, but you know

And you're not going through the
You know

Thank you

But if you were going through the thing
that you're not going through

now, I mean, I'll be here for you

(SOBBING)

I mean, you know, whenever that is

Sort of in the future sometime

You know, Mikey, I sometimes think
I chose the wrong career

I can see myself crossing swords
with the great legal minds,

tying witnesses up in knots

Shocking the court with some
last-minute piece of evidence

Yeah, well, it's got to be better
than looking in people's gobs all day

Good luck, Susan Justice will out

Thank you, Roger I'll just be glad
when this whole thing is over

And I can go back to nicking stuff

It was a joke, everyone, a joke!

(ALL LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

Come on, move, move, move

She is so dignified, so brave

Like Marie Antoinette,
before she had her head cut off

Don't worry

Crown versus Susan Harper
Who's representing Mrs Harper?

I am, Your Honour

Who? I don't believe we've met before
Are you a solicitor or a barrister?

I'm a dentist
A professional man, though

He's my husband

Mrs Harper, I would strongly advise you

to seek
professional legal representation

I can give you an adjournment,
if you like

No, we've discussed all the options

And anyway,
he's got his heart set on it

Yes, I understand a layman is allowed
to represent a defendant

under the principle
of McKenzie's Friend

Oh, very good, Mr Harper!

What is happening in this courtroom
today is nothing short of a travesty

Susan Harper, wife, mother, hobbyist

Mr Harper,
prosecution usually likes to go first

Oh, do they? Really? Oh, right, sorry

Then I humbly defer
to my learned colleague

Mr Harper, if he were your colleague,
he'd be a dentist

Mr Mitchell actually went to law school

Can we get on, please, Your Honour?

Thank you, Mr Barker

(CHUCKLING)

Watch as I tear him to shreds

- Maybe this is a bad idea
- Too late

Mr Barker, on the day of the incident,
had you been drinking at all?

- No
- Really?

But you yourself said the incident
took place at 2:30 pm after lunch

Yes

Are you seriously standing here
in a court of law, under oath, mind,

suggesting that you do not drink
at lunchtime?

- That's right
- Your Honour, please!

How much more of this
must we sit through?

Everyone has a drink at lunchtime

I myself have
an absolute minimum of two pints

Before performing
dental work on your patients?

I have mints

- I don't drink
- Pardon?

- I haven't touched a drop in 14 years
- Oh, right So, you're an alcoholic?

No, I became a Methodist lay preacher
and decided to become teetotal

- Anything else, Mr Harper?
- No

So that's your defence, is it?

- That everyone has a drink at lunchtime?
- Well, they do

I might as well book myself
into Holloway prison now

Thank you for your vote of confidence

You're not exactly
Rumpole of the Bailey, are you?

Well, at least I don't go around
nicking sunglasses!

A bit louder, Ben,
I don't think the judge heard you

And this is the still
from the CCTV footage

which shows Mrs Harper putting
the sunglasses in her pocket

What? Oh, come on
This could be anybody

How about this one, then?

Susan, it was you You did it!

I believed in you and you let me down

I feel like
something inside of me has died!

Well, I do!

If you're thinking of calling
a character witness,

I wouldn't pick Roger

So, Mrs Harper,
we've established the hot flashes

Can we now discuss the mood swings? Hmm?

Did you or did you not launch a piece
of toast at your son Michael's head

when he said, and I quote,

"Good morning"?

- Get to the point, Ben
- Yes, please do, Mr Harper

All right Yes, fine Fine Women, eh?

I submit to this court that at the time
of the aforementioned incident

the defendant was the victim
of diminished responsibility

due to the menopause

- That is not true
- The evidence is overwhelming

Are you or are you not
going through the change?

- Oh, don't be ridiculous
- You are under oath!

- Are you going through the menopause?
- Will you approach the bench, please?

Not you!

Mrs Harper

- You have this with your wife?
- I don't have a wife

I have a civil partner

Are you getting night sweats?

- Oh, yes
- Try coconut milk

- Insomnia?
- Oh, God, yes

Valerian I swear by it

Now, you didn't mean
to take these, did you?

Of course not
If I'd wanted to steal sunglasses,

I would've taken
the tortoise shell ones

Yeah I mean, these are really ugly

Your Honour, can we continue?

- No
- Thank you

I'm dismissing this case
Mrs Harper, you are free to leave

Thank you

Being married to him, I'm surprised
you're not up on a murder charge

'Cause, Mr Harper, you are

one of the most arrogant,
ignorant, opinionated men

it has ever been
my misfortune to encounter

And I've worked at the Hague
trying war criminals

Here's to Susan!

- To Mum!
- To Susan!

Merry menopause!

And happy new

phase of life

- Thank you
- Speech?

Yes, of course You see,
there was no doubt in my mind

- Not you
- Hmm? Right

Mum

Well, I really don't know
what to say, but

I suppose it's at times like this

one really appreciates the love
and support of the family,

and I've never been happier in my life

- Hear, hear
- Hear, hear