All language subtitles for My Family - S07E08 - Breaking Up Aint Hard To Do

Why must you be late for everything?

Well, because you only told me
about it five minutes ago

That's no excuse Get changed

No, no, no
This is the shirt I'm taking off

It's fine Leave it on

Look, Susan Come Stop!

Susan, I can't get dressed
under this pressure

- You can finish in the car
- Oh, great!

- Ben?
- Yes

Oh, God

- Do you even know where we're going?
- Oh I forget

- Oh
- What?

- What's the date today?
- The 18th

Oh

(LAUGHING)

We've got a bit more time
to get dressed It's not till next week

Oh, great

(ALARM BEEPING)

The smoke alarm normally goes off
when you're cooking

- The chicken!
- The chicken The chicken?

Hang on If we're all dressed up
to go out to dinner,

why are you cooking a chicken?

Because I put
the chicken in for our dinner,

then I remembered about the party,

then I forgot about the chicken,
all right?

Okay

Right, good So, as we're all
dressed up and nothing to eat,

let's go out

Why not?

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hi, are we the first?

I had an old friend of yours
in my chair yesterday afternoon

Oh, yeah? Who?

- Fat Hillary
- Only not so fat these days

Oh, don't you believe it She's
back to her old fighting weight Yeah

She's no stranger
to a beef and ale pie is our Hillary

Ben, that's very cruel Funny but cruel

Yeah

Anyway, she told me a bit of gossip

Ben, you know I don't like
mindless tittle-tattle

Yeah, I know Sure Okay, fair enough

Well, it's obviously eating you up
You might as well tell me what it is

Apparently,

Ted and Joanna Draper's marriage
is in trouble

Oh, no!

Apparently they're heading for divorce

Oh, no

- I'm going to call her
- Oh, no

- We've known them 25 years
- What's that got to do with it?

I know friendship is an alien concept
to you, but they need our support

Susan, divorce is a modern problem

Okay, it's a tragedy, but some couples
just get separated from the herd

To stay hitched you got to get in
the saddle and ride into the sunset

Sorry, I've been reading Westerns

They're both Janey's godparents
Ted taught Michael to swim

- He's had your drill for 15 years
- He's got my drill?

They're our oldest friends

Well, maybe that's God's way of saying
ditch them and get new ones

Susan, calm down Susan, please, please

I'm begging you on bended knee
Don't, don't, don't make the call

Please, Susan! Please!

Don't invite them for dinner!

I can't just sit around and do nothing

It's so easy Look, look, watch me
Look, there you go

I just want to see how they're doing
I won't even mention dinner

Oh, why do you have to add to their
problems by inviting them around here?

- Joanna, hi, it's Susan How are you?
- No

Yes, it's been ages

Well, yes, we should get together

Why don't you come here, 8:00?

Sounds fine See you, then Bye

Sorry, were you trying to say something?

I thought you weren't
going to mention dinner

Did you hear me say the word "dinner"?

You're good, Susan You're very good

Unbelievable, just unbelievable

You'll never guess what happened
at Kenzo's school today

Morning, Janey

Yeah, I had to listen to some
idiot mother going on and on

about how her daughter
was in a TV advert

- Unbelievable
- Why?

Why? The kid's a complete troll

Unlike Kenzo
Who couldn't love that face?

He's certainly a good-looking boy

And that is why we've decided to call
an agent and get him an advert, too

- We?
- Me and Kenzo

- He wants to do this?
- Yeah, well, of course he does

Loves the idea

At least he will when I tell him

Sorry to interrupt you, Michael

It's all right, Alfie,
let me just finish this

I'm ordering myself a girlfriend
from Thailand Want one?

No, no, thank you

Before you know where you are,
they've taken all your money,

left you for your best friend,
married him and claimed UK citizenship

I'm told

So, what can I do for you, Alfie?

Well, I wondered if you might help me

produce some more
professional-looking leaflets

- Aw Has someone lost a spaniel?
- No, that picture is me

Oh, right

- "Alfie Butts' world tour"
- "Of Chiswick"

Yes

I've already done a couple of warm-up
gigs upstairs at the Dog and Duck

- How'd they go?
- Pretty well, yes

All six customers seemed to enjoy it

At the end,
I had two women fighting over me

Hey, not bad

No, I was crouched on the floor
protecting my guitar

They were fighting over me

I'll tell you what you need, Alfie,
the internet

I film you doing songs and stuff
You could have your own website

Let's see if buttscom is taken

Well, it's definitely taken

I know him!

Oh, my God Bloody drains blocked up?

It's not the drains
It's camomile candles

- What?
- They're calming, to human beings

Listen, Ben, this has to be a peaceful,
pleasant evening

No tension, no stress

- No Ben?
- No chance

Okay

- Joanna
- Susan, lovely to see you

And you Come in No Ted?

He's just getting wine from the car

Joanna, hi No Ted?

- No, he's just
- Well, you're better off without him

- Ben
- All right, Susan It's okay

Let's not beat about the bush

What's done is done
It's all right, Joanna

You're better off on your own

- Hello
- Until Ted gets here,

which he just has

- Ted
- Hi, Ted

Bollinger '90

Ooh

So you've obviously heard
about Ted and I, then

- No, what?
- Oh, shut up, Ben

- Yes, we heard from fat Hillary
- Oh

She said you were having a few problems
and we want to be here for you

Oh, that's very sweet I really do
We really do appreciate it

Good, because a problem shared
is a problem halved

That's true, isn't it?
That's so true, isn't it?

- Love will keep us together
- As Neil Sedaka once said

Because there is nothing so broken
that can't be mended

And who put the ram in
the rama lama ding dong?

Sorry What, what?

- Just do the drinks, Ben
- Yes, I'll do the drinks Shall I

- Red would be lovely
- Red

Oh, absolutely, mate
Fill it up, she's driving home

Firstly, she is Joanna
And secondly, she is not driving home

- Why not?
- I drove last time

I drove here

Well, you never gave me the chance,
did you?

But that's typical, isn't it? You make
the rules You decide who's doing what

Only 'cause if I didn't,
nothing would ever get done

- Somebody has to make decisions
- Like which pub to go to every night?

Big decision, that

What a good idea
Maybe I'll go there now

- Well, how am I supposed to get home?
- Here

I'll take a cab It's safer
than driving with you, anyway

You crazy bint!

You are the most selfish, self-centred
man I ever met in my entire life

TED: This from Miss Self-centred 1989

(JOANNA YELLING)

- Cheers
- Absent friends

Thank you

That was my latest composition,
entitled Bangor For Fun

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Alfie

It's bad enough you called your album
Butts Unplugged.

You can't have a song called
Bangor For Fun.

- Why not?
- Think about it

Why not?

- Let me explain
- Oh, hello

Two men alone with a video camera?
I must be interrupting something

You want something or are you
just in here to bother me?

Yeah, a little from column A,
a little from column B

The thing is I found a casting agent
for Kenzo

She's just been on the phone
She said I need a 10 by 8 glossy photo

- Would you take one for me?
- Casting?

- Like for television?
- Yeah

I'm not so sure
that's such a good idea, Janey

History is littered with children
who achieve early stardom,

only to find themselves lost
in the mists of obscurity

Thrown on the scrap heap of rejection
Look what happened to Colin Hawes

- Who's Colin Hawes?
- Exactly

You see how quickly people forget?

Cheers, mate

All right, Henry?

You know, in all the years
we've known each other,

I don't think we've ever done this
before without the girls

I just want you to know it really means
a lot to me You're a true friend, Ben

Have you got my drill?

Nice drop, this

I just wanted to apologise
for last night

Joanna was completely out of order

You know, Ben, that woman's
going to take me to the cleaners

Oh, no, surely, not Joanna

Oh, don't you believe it
You think you know somebody,

but as soon as money gets involved,
women go nuts

- Well, no, not all women
- All women

It's in their genes You think
you're going to bed with your wife,

you wake up with a vicious predator

- I'm going to lose my kids
- Well, that's good, isn't it?

- My house, half my future earnings
- I'm sorry, Ted Yeah

- And my pension
- Shh It's all right, Ted

I know, I Oh It's okay

It's all right He's leaving his wife
Not for me

- No Cheers Cheers, Ted
- Cheers Good health, mate

Oh, it's such a mess We don't talk
any more We never have sex

Although that is actually
one of the perks

Ted's always shown signs
of being a tight-fisted, selfish

You're all right, you've got Ben

Right

It's so sad when a relationship
goes bad like that

I know, darling,
happens to a lot of couples

Kids grow up, leave home and then they
find they've got nothing to talk about

Whereas you've never shown
any interest in the kids anyway

- Exactly, so problem averted
- Yep

Your being emotionally stunted
has served us well over the years

It's a gift

You know, Joanna's scared stiff that Ted
is going to squirrel away all the assets

- so she can't get at them
- Really?

Well, Ted's scared stiff

that Joanna's going to go after him
for half of everything

- It's ridiculous, isn't it?
- It's pathetic

I mean, what is she thinking?

- What?
- Half of everything? Give me a break

You don't think she deserves half?

No, of course not
No, she's not been working

as an optician for the last 25 years,
has she?

No, she's been working
as a housewife and a mother

(LAUGHING) Yeah,
we all know how difficult that is

Yeah, we all know how difficult that is

But obviously not worth 50%

No, no, no All I'm saying
is that any division of assets

should be based on contribution

Right? You know, I mean, he put the
most in, he should take the most out

I'm not saying that she shouldn't
get anything, of course

I mean, well, you know

Yeah, he should bung her
a few quid every week,

but, you know, half?
Come on, that's just stupid

- Oh, really, is it?
- Yeah

I mean, it's common sense, isn't it?

And what about us? How would you value
my contribution to our relationship?

Highly

You have to be more specific, Ben
Put a percentage on it

No, no, we don't have to
worry about things like that

Anyway, it's difficult to quantify

- Try
- 15

15? 15%? I've worked
as a professional tour guide

- Yeah, yeah
- I now work in a gallery

Okay, okay 16%

17

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'll be the bigger man

19% Or, you know, thereabouts

Oh, Susan, look, we're talking about Ted
and Joanna here, not you and me

Oh, no, no, no
We're talking about you and me

Look, I don't know what you're getting
so wound up about

19%% is not ungenerous

If you hadn't married me,
you would have needed

an army of people to look after you

A housekeeper to run the house,
a cook to feed you,

a cleaner to tidy up your mess,
a nurse for when you're ill,

a nanny for the kids,
a chauffeur to run them around

- Do I go on?
- Well, you do a bit

My point is I have done
all these things and more

for no salary,
and you say I don't contribute?

- Now, come on Don't get all tetchy
- And you'd have to pay for that as well

I want you out of my bed Out! Out! Out!

- 22%%?
- Out!

(MOBILE RINGING)

- Hello?
- Ben, it's Ted

Sorry to call you so late, but I just
had a blazing row with Joanna

Oh, hi, Ted Well, I hope you won

You bet I gave her a piece
of my mind, I can tell you

Atta boy Got to show them who's boss

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Hi, Susan, it's Jo
I'm sorry to call so late,

but I've just had
a flaming row with Ted

Well, you just hang in there Stand up
for what's yours and you'll be fine

Men are so selfish

It's like they're completely irrational

- So childish
- It's all that constant nagging, mate

- I wonder if they have a heart
- You wonder if they have a brain

We all know which organ
they do their thinking with

They swap their brains for shoes

- Football obsessed
- Shopping obsessed

- And the drinking
- And the drinking

- Look, thanks for listening
- Oh, any time

- Look, thanks for listening
- Any time

Listen, Ben

You have a really wonderful relationship
with Susan

Yeah, yeah, I know We're blessed

Would you mind asking her if she has any
idea what's going on in Joanna's mind?

I'd rather not disturb her
right now, she's

looking so peaceful lying here

No, Kenzo, remember how I showed you?

Not too high with the spoon We don't
want to hide that lovely face, do we?

Try it again

That's better Now give a nice
big smile and say the line

"Wheatie Pops,
they're nutritious and delicious"

Good Still not quite there, is it?

Don't you think you're pushing him
a little too hard?

Please, Mum, we're working Now,
take a mouthful and say the next line

It tastes like poo

No, it doesn't
It tastes "Good, good, good"

If it's so good, good, good, why
don't you have a mouthful yourself?

(SIGHING) Fine

Mmm Mmm It is

- yummy:
- Come on, Janey, enough's enough

Please don't turn into one of those
stage mothers

who lives out their dreams
through their children

And what is wrong with that?

I bet we've probably done lots of things
that have fulfilled your dreams

- Mum?
- I'm thinking

Ben, I've been thinking
about Ted and Joanna,

and, I think, you know,
maybe you were right

And here's me without my lawyer

We should never have got involved
in their problems

It's nothing to do with us

All right, I want to apologise 'cause I
know full well what you're contribution

is to me and this family
It is a genuine partnership Okay?

- 50-50
- Straight down the middle

Good I'm glad we cleared that up

And we're gonna make it up
to each other tonight in our own bed

Oh, yes

Of course, if we ever went through
what Ted and Joanna went through

- Well, which we would not
- Of course not

I'd like to think we'd handle things
in a more mature way

- Yeah, I mean no bickering
- No squabbling

We wouldn't argue about
stuff for a start

- Stuff, stuff What's mine is yours
- What's mine is yours

Yeah, I mean, if I wanted that,

you know, that vase or that painting
or that armchair

- I'd say, "Take it"
- Yeah

If I wanted the sofa,
the mirror or the desk

- I'd say, "Take it"
- See, that's the way things should be

Exactly Though obviously, not the desk

- Why?
- That's my desk

But we bought it together

Well, yeah, we went to the shop together
but that's not exactly buying it, is it?

- I picked it out
- Yeah, but I wrote the cheque

Hang on, hang on
Let me just clarify something

You're saying what you paid for is yours
and what I paid for is mine?

No, only technically, because, you see,
I wouldn't divide things up like that

because then you would end up with next
to nothing and I am above such things

You've got a funny idea
what an equal partnership is

- Well, guess what?
- What?

- You're back on the sofa bed tonight
- Oh, Susan, come on

And where do you think
you're going with that?

I think you'll find
that I paid for this

Tommy Sanders?

So, what's your little boy called?

- Kenzo
- Stage name?

- No
- Really? Amazing Has he done much?

Nathan's done eight commercials, two
films and a guest spot in Alien Family.

You know the one where the little boy
and his ugly friend bring home an alien?

He was in that

Well, was he the ugly friend?

The alien?

He was the little boy

Hello, Sylvia, how's little Simon? Good

You don't have to worry about him,
he's a no-talent

So what's he done?

Oh, Kenzo, he

He's done Did you see
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?

- No
- He was in that

- Yeah Finding Neverland?
- No

Oh, he was in that as well
The last Harry Potter.

- Oh, yes
- Pity, he wasn't in that

Two lines That's all you had to
remember and you couldn't even do that!

You stupid child! Come on

- Okay Kenzo Harper?
- Yes

Susan?

This was a present from your Aunt Joan
to me Does that make it yours or mine?

- Please, Susan
- I'm just speaking hypothetically

Look, we don't have to do this
We are fine

I bought you some stickers as well,
green or blue?

This is so childish
I want the blue ones

You don't have to run
I'm not going to fight you for the desk

- Yours or mine?
- Yours

- Um
- Ah

- All right?
- Oh, keep it

- This okay?
- Yep, yep Keep it

- Oh?
- Oh, yeah, yeah

- And
- Oh, have it

Thank you

Oh?

Oh

Excuse me

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Ben!

The

- Already stickered
- Where? Oh

- Oh, that's yours
- What?

- That photo frame
- I don't want that That's horrible

- I bought you that
- Oh, that photo frame

- Oh, I'll have it, then
- No, I'll take it

No, you won't Too late

- It's mine
- No, it isn't You don't want it

Yes, I do Oh, you keep it, then

What's going on?

Your father's being an arse
just for a change

It's her She wants to label everything
that we both want to keep

Oh, lovely Thank you

How did my little star get on today?

- He hasn't got the part, Mum
- What?

I pulled Kenzo out of the audition

You know, I don't want to end up
screaming at my child

just because he chucked up his
Wheatie Pops all over the director

You didn't do that

No, some kid called Nathan did
I won't put Kenzo through that

Good for you, darling

You don't have to be on television
to be a star, do you?

Well, actually, it wasn't all bad news

They've asked me to be
the Wheatie Pops mum

Darling!

Well, Alfie, this is it,
your first live webcast

Next it's sponsors, advertisers,
recording contracts

- Oh, I'm gonna be so rich
- You mean we

Yeah, we That's what I said
So you all set?

- Yes
- Right, get ready

We go live in one minute

Live?

Oh, great Hello, Wembley

Hello, Wembley?

Alfie, there are currently
23 million people

around the world about to watch you

- 23 million
- And cue

Alfie

Alfie

Do something

And cut

Thanks for coming around
at such short notice

It's a pleasure
Thanks for the invitation

Well, we heard you two were going
through a rough patch, shall we say?

Are we?

We're all in the same boat
Two sets of marriages down the toilet

- Two?
- Toilet?

Ours isn't

Your marriage is just as much
a sham as ours

- Sham?
- Toilet?

Ours isn't

Anyway, we felt dreadful
that our little domestic problem

had had an effect on you

So we thought maybe we could help

Fat chance

We just want you to work things out
Maybe find some sort of compromise

- You're a fine one to dish out advice
- What do you mean?

Compromise? You don't know
the meaning of the word

Bubbly time

Hang on What are you doing with that?
That's my Bollinger '90

- It's mine now
- Like hell it is

(BELL RINGING)

- Dim sum?
- I'll help you

- Thank you
- You're welcome

TED: Well, you certainly put the kibosh
on that, didn't you?

JOANNA: Me? You're ruining this evening
with your petty behaviour

TED: Oh, shut up, you harpy

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Oh, that's it Here we go again

JOANNA: You pathetic specimen!
The sooner I'm out of this the better!

TED: That goes double for me,
you spoilt witch

What are we doing here?

I'm right behind you

- Ben, you can't
- Of course I can, I'm a dentist

(TED AND JOANNA ARGUING IN KITCHEN)

(WHIRRING)

A little drop left
Do you want some more?

- I'll just have half
- There you go

You deserve more than half

- Are you trying to get me drunk?
- Um

Little bit drunk

I'm glad we got rid
of all those stupid stickers

Oh, so am I

Actually, not all of them

What do you mean?

Oh, Ben

- A little red sticker
- Yeah, I know