All language subtitles for My Family - S07E05 - Susan Of Troy

(MELODRAMATIC MUSIC ON TV)

No

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

No

Louder

Brighter

What's going on?

Those batteries have gone in the remote

- You're running late today
- Nope Not at all

My first patient isn't till midday

so I thought I might start with a little

leisurely breakfast

Ben, give me the bread knife

Why?

Now hand me your belt, your shoelaces
and any other sharp objects

Why?

It's for your own safety

My mother's coming over

Good

That's lovely, isn't it?

I love her as my own

Ben, you don't even love your own
as if they were your own

She wants to show us her holiday snaps

I cannot wait to see them

I have both sets of car keys,
by the way

Well, I won't be needing those
for ages, will I? Not going anywhere

You know, I think I might start my
breakfast with a little frozen yogurt

Back door's locked

So's the front

And all the windows

Why must you cage me in like an animal?

GRACE: Here's another one

You're right, Mother

You can't have too many pictures
of the exact same beach

You know, Brad and I'd go down there
in our bathing costumes

and have the entire beach to ourselves

- Really? Can't think why
- And look at this one, Ben

For a man in his seventies, Brad doesn't
look too bad in Speedos, does he?

He's wearing Speedos? Where are they?

That's the beach at sunset

And that's us
getting married on the beach

Then we're back to the beginning again

Wait a minute Wait a minute
Show me that last photo

(GRACE CLEARING THROAT)

- You got married again?
- Darling, we didn't want a fuss

And you didn't invite us?

And for that, we are eternally grateful

It was a very informal ceremony

Well, I can see that

Did he never take those Speedos off?

- Oh, yes
- Oh, no

Well, if you'll excuse me,
I think I am going to

not be here

You know, sometimes
it's hard to tell you things

You have a tendency to overreact

I do not

overreact

They said yes I don't believe it
We're gonna be on The Weakest Link.

- The Weakest Link?
- They accepted us

It's a family edition
I did tell you about it

You hear that, Mother?

That's what we do in this family
We tell each other things

When did you tell me about it?

Couple of months ago, when I filled in
the forms for everybody

I don't remember signing anything

I kind of forged all the signatures
I do them perfectly

- Even your father's?
- Since I was ten

Can you teach me?

Just one problem

Janey's been dumped again
So we're one short

Oh I wouldn't worry about that

Your grandmother's run off
and married Brad

I didn't want to bother you

So do you think Brad will do the show?

Brad will do anything
Haven't you seen the photos?

Will you do it, Mum?

Why not? Sounds like fun

No, I mean, will you break it to Dad?

Why not? Sounds like fun

Nice man-boobs

That's my bridesmaid

Oh, come on, Ben

It's The Weakest Link.
You've got to do it

Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope

I would rather swan-dive
into a deep fat fryer

What is it about being on the show
that bothers you?

Nothing much Just me being humiliated

by a sadistic harpy

But darling, that's one of
the cornerstones of our marriage

- I'm not doing it, okay?
- Fine

- I understand
- Good

No man wants to come across
as less intelligent than his wife

on national television

I know what you're doing, Susan,
and it won't work

I mean, it's embarrassing
when a man's wife

makes him look like some
knuckle-dragging lummox in public

Fine, good

So you're married to
a knuckle-dragging lummox of a husband

And guess what?

This knuckle-dragging lummox
of a husband is going to sleep

Good night

I take it you'll be doing the show?

You just try and stop me

and then the two remaining people
in the final round

go head to head, five questions each,

and the person with
the most correct answers wins

Okay?

So, any questions?

Are these cheese and pickle?

- I think so, yes
- But what kind of cheese?

Because it smells like
a strong, mature cheddar

but it has the orange hue
of a double Gloucester,

which tends to repeat on me

Does anyone any questions
about the show?

Sure?

Because it's easy to forget the rules
once you're in front of the cameras

Especially if you're a bit thick

(PANTING) Hello, all Sorry we're late

Roger only drove
the wrong way down the A40

ALL: No

Yes

Roger only couldn't decide
what shirt to wear

- No Really?
- Yes

Okay So just relax,
don't get too nervous

and I'll be back in a few minutes
to take you through and meet Anne

Well, this is it

We're actually going to appear
on national television

and it isn't Crimewatch.

I'm kind of nervous, Mum

- Does anyone need the toilet?
- ALL: Yeah

Great minds

And simple ones

I better wait

I can't go if there's someone
in the same

What? Postal district?

I happen to have a shy bladder

No, that's double Gloucester
I need a bin

No, it's no good I can't wait
I have to face my demons

Just me and you, eh, Kenzo?

You know, if your grandad wins this,

I could buy you a present

- What would you like?
- A computer

Well, it's not gonna happen, though,
is it?

What's wrong with Roger?

Any questions like that, Michael,
on this show and we're done for

Right, let's get this over with

If Anne Robinson says
one thing about this dress,

so help me, I'll fix her
so she won't have to phone a friend,

she'll have to phone a doctor

Wrong show, Mum

That's Deal or No Deal.

So what's the one with Ant and Dec?

We're dead in the water

What is it, Roger?

I just saw Anne Robinson

It's a good job I'd just been,
else I'd have gone

Okay So, everyone ready?

Yeah, I'll just be
a couple of seconds, okay?

Welcome to The Weakest Link!

Any of the nine family members
in the studio today

could win up to £10,000

However, if they want that prize money,
they'll have to work as a team

But eight of them
will leave with nothing

as round by round we lose the player
voted the weakest link

Let's meet the team

I'm Ben Harper I'm 49

(SUSAN CHUCKLES)

I'm a dentist, I'm from Chiswick

Hello I'm Susan Harper

I'm 46

(BEN SCOFFS)

And I also live in Chiswick

And I work in an art gallery

I'm Michael Harper I'm 18
I live in Chiswick

and I'm not too old to be adopted

I'm Alfie Butts I'm 26

- I pay rent for a box room in
- BEN: Oh, please

I'm I'm unempl I'm a musician

I'm Janey Harper I'm 25
I live in West London

I'm single I like Colin Farrell films
and romantic walks in the country

A nice car
and a holiday home are essential

MAN: Cut!

What?

Is that your mummy?

No

In round one,
there are three minutes on the clock

We'll start with the person
whose name is first alphabetically

That's you, Abi

- Blimey
- Let's play The Weakest Link.

First question is for £20
Start the clock

- Abi
- Bank

In the home, a TV set that is
not designed to show a colour picture

is described as being black and what?

- Decker
- No, white

Roger, a contest in which two teams

pull at opposite ends of a rope
until one drags the other

is called a tug of what?

That's a first Correct

Ben, in sport, which famous
international cricket ground

is owned by the MCC?

- Lord's
- Correct

Oh, you say it out loud

Susan, in cookery

Bank Bank

the main ingredient in a risotto
is pasta or rice?

- Rice
- Correct

Michael, what is 84 minus 26?

- 58
- Correct

Alfie, since his death in 1924, the
preserved body of which Soviet leader

has been kept in a mausoleum
in Red Square in Moscow?

- Interestingly enough, my uncle
- The correct answer is Lenin

- ANNE: Janey
- Be quick, Janey She's got no patience

I can't believe I was the first
to get voted off

I knew some of the other questions

Well, definitely one of them

Anyway, I want Roger to win

He's smarter than
the rest of them put together

Voting over It's time to reveal
who you think is the weakest link

Roger

Roger

Roger

Roger

Roger

Roger

Roger

Brad?

(DOOR OPENING)

Don't worry, Rog

I'm sure they can edit that bit out

I can't believe I started crying
on national television

So, Susan Put your board down

Step to your right

I presume you've got blinds at home
since you appear to be wearing

your lounge curtains

- Listen, you
- (WHISPERING) Susan!

Why Janey?

(SUSAN CLEARING THROAT)

Never mind Ben, why did you vote
for your own daughter?

Well, she's got to learn that
the first man on the moon

was not Louis Armstrong

And Michael, you volunteered
your family for the show Why?

Because I'd recorded every episode
of The Weakest Link.

Then I transcribed all the questions,
sub-dividing them into topics

Then I plotted them on a graph against
my whole family's areas of interest,

and from that I calculated
that the only person

who has a greater than 38% chance
of beating me is Alfie

You don't have a girlfriend,
do you, Michael?

No

And you, Alfie A girlfriend?

Oh, that's very kind of you to offer,
Mrs Robinson

Whilst I find you very attractive,
I suspect that I have yet to reach

the appropriate level of maturity

to fully do justice
to your needs as a woman

Oh, I don't know, Alfie

Clean yourself up a bit
and keep your mouth shut,

and who knows?

ANNE: Grace, in psychology,
a series of pleasant thoughts

- that distracts...
- I can't believe they all voted me off

I mean, we're meant to love
each other, aren't we?

To stick together
We're meant to be a close family

But even thingy, what's his name,
voted me off

You mean your brother Michael?

That's the one

Shh! They're up to £800

ANNE: In literature, which author
wrote the political thriller

published in 2000 entitled

- The Bear and the Dragon
- Dragon. Tom Clancy.

Correct.

Susan, in legal jargon, who may be
said to be called to the bar?

Besides my mother? A barrister.

- Charming.
- ANNE: Correct.

Michael, in art, the Prado Gallery
is in which European capital city?

I know this one It's Croydon

That's not a capital city, Abi
It's Morocco

- Is it Turkey?
- Madrid

- Madrid.
- Correct.

Time's up And in that round,
you banked £900

So, has Alfie finally discovered
my needs as a woman?

Is the dentist less daft than he looks?

Or does our art dealer
deserve hanging in a public place?

It's time to vote off the weakest link

ANNOUNCER: In that round,
the strongest link was Ben,

with Susan a few links back.

Alfie may be way ahead
in the charm stakes with Anne

but will one of the oldies
be falling at this fence?

Voting over It's time to reveal
who you think is the weakest link

Grace

Brad

Grace

Grace

Susan

Ben

So, Ben, why have you voted for Grace?

Grace, well, if the old lush doesn't
sit down soon, she's gonna fall down

ANNE: So, Susan, why Brad?

Because it doesn't matter if I vote off
one of my mother's husbands

There'll be another one along
in a minute

- You're a fine one to talk
- Something to say, Grace?

No, no, no
My daughter's led a perfect life

I think I sense tension

I'm only saying she's made
some bad decisions

and I don't just mean Ben

Las Vegas, 1973

- Las Vegas, Susan?
- What?

I have no idea what

- Can we move on?
- No, no! What did happen in Vegas?

I don't remember

Grace, can you help us out here?

- She had a quickie marriage
- What?

Mother, you are the weakest link
Goodbye

No, no! We've mined gold

Grace, who was the first husband?

- What's the name of the mystery spouse?
- Mother!

You were the one who wanted us to be
a family who told each other things

His name was Troy the Punisher

He was a dentist as well?

He was a wrestler

I thought Ben knew

I mean, I would never have dreamt of
saying anything if I thought he didn't

Mind you, I'm always
a bit of a loose cannon

after six or seven vodka and Red Bulls

You married a wrestler called Troy?

Round five You have £1,700,
ten seconds coming off your time,

we'll start with the strongest link
from the last round, that's Ben

Let's play The Weakest Link.

Start the clock

Ben, in cinema, who directed the films
Jurassic Park, Schindler's List

- and Saving Private Ryan?
- A wrestler called Troy?

ANNE: No, Steven Spielberg

Susan, in the opening line
of the Shakespeare play Twelfth Night,

which words follow
"If music be the food of love"?

I was drunk, in Las Vegas

ANNE: No, "play on"

Michael, in history, in 1938,
Neville Chamberlain

returned from meeting Hitler and
got off a plane waving a piece of paper

What did he declare?

- My mum married a wrestler?
- No "Peace in our time" Alfie

- Nice bombshell, Gran
- I thought you all knew

Yeah, well, you know, good thing it
didn't come out on national television

Oh, hang on, it did

Voting over, it's time to reveal
who you think is the weakest link

Susan

Ben

Susan

Mrs Harper

- So, Ben, why did you vote for Susan?
- Why?

Well, because she missed
the question on the periodic table

and she married another man

- Susan, why Ben?
- Because he missed two of the questions

No, no! Why did you marry him?
And what happened to Troy the wrestler?

I don't think
that's any of your business

I think it's mine, so what happened?

Michael, after all she's been through,
why are you getting rid of your mother?

Thought I'd give her a head start

- And Alfie
- Yes, Mrs Robinson?

- Charming Alfie
- Oh, thank you

Why did you vote for Susan?

Because she failed to bank
at the appropriate moment

Nothing to do with her seedy past?

I'm not one to judge,
although some might consider it

a tad slutty

Slutty Susan, you are the weakest link
Goodbye

Bye

I'm sorry I'll be right back, okay?
I won't Two minutes

I, uh I, uh

This was all a big mistake

It was nothing

- It was a long time ago
- BEN: Susan!

- I've got to go
- Susan!

(CRASHING)

Susan

Susan!

Susan!

Susan!

Susan! Where is she? Where is she?

Okay Mother-in-law or no mother-in-law,
you're going to tell me what happened

or you and I are gonna be
bouncing off the ropes

Now, just hold it right there,
sonny boy

The only way
you'll get at her is through me

Brad, I've seen you in Speedos
So sit down

So, are you gonna tell me the truth?

Mr Harper, you can't just
walk off the show halfway through

Listen, my marriage is a lot more
important than your stupid little show

If you don't go back on, you'll be sued
for the full cost of the recording

Ben, in history, what "K" is
the name of a river in Canada

that was the sight of the late
19th century gold rush?

- Talacre Bay, Rhyl
- No It's Klondike

Time's up
And you've managed to bank £400

But which village is missing its idiot?

Who thinks Freud is the way
that Brummies like their eggs?

One of you
is about to leave with nothing

It's time to vote off the weakest link

Vote me off
Vote me off or I'll kill you

I said I'm sorry!

Look, you don't have to buy us
a wedding present, okay?

- Now we're even
- Even?

How would you like it
if I told Brad all your sordid secrets?

That horse bolted a long time ago

What's wrong with Grandma?

Sweetheart, it's hard to explain

- Grandma married a wrestler
- Cool

So, gorgeous Alfie, why Ben?

Because he hasn't really been
making much of an effort

and his mind seems to be elsewhere

Nerdy Michael, why Ben?

Because he threatened to kill me
if I didn't vote him off

Ben, you are the weakest link Goodbye

Gotta go

Hello Remember me? I'm Ben Harper
One of your husbands

- I can explain
- No need, it's fine

You know, Susan, I know I've only made a
few minor achievements over the years

I've helped raise three children,

I've worked day in, day out
at the surgery to put food on the table,

but you know, my one big regret in life
is that I've never managed to do

any of these things
whilst wearing tights and a big belt

- Troy never wore a big belt
- Really? You have fond memories of him?

No, it's just someone I had
a few too many drinks with in Las Vegas

Look, I was young,

I was backpacking in the States,
it was just another era

Oh, of course, yes, we were all wearing
flowers in our hair,

listening to the Beach Boys
and marrying wrestlers

It's just one of those things
you forget about

You forget about it?

Look, we were drunk
We got married as a joke

in a chapel that also
served fried chicken

We were married in
Ruislip registry office

so what does that make us? Hmm? Huh?
What does that make us?

Look

I don't know a lot about love,

- but what I do know
- Roger, I would not take advice

from you about where to put a table

- I'd just like to say one thing
- What?

Wasn't it great being on telly? See?

We'll go and sit down

Look, if I never told you about it,
I'm sorry

- It was never a proper marriage
- What? You and him or me and you?

- You sure I never told you about this?
- I think I would have remembered it

And anyway,
whatever we've done in our past

makes us what we are today

And we should be thankful for that

What rubbish
Come on, you married a wrestler!

We should go after them
It looked pretty serious

Roger's right
This is really a time when we should

- all pull together as a family
- Yes, we should

I can't help but feel
I'm partially responsible

We should all rally round and give them
all the love and support that they need

Right Let's go

Hang on

The two lads are going head to head
for nearly 3,000 quid

Well, let's give them their space

ANNE: Michael, in biology, which word
denotes both a type of blood vessel

in the human body and a thin bundle of
vascular tissue in the leaf of a plant?

- Artery, ma'am.
- No. A vein.

Alfie, if you answer
this question correctly,

you have won

So, Alfie,

although his parents were Norwegian,
the children's author Roald Dahl

was born in which country of the UK?

Oh, sorry, I was miles away
Can you repeat the question, please?

Although his parents were Norwegian,
the children's author Roald Dahl

was born in which country of the UK?

Wales?

We got it annulled the next day

I can't believe
you'd just forget about it

When we first met,
I wanted to tell you about it

But you were so wonderful,
I suppose I

I didn't want anything to spoil it

Go on

I'd never met anyone like you before
I mean, you were so

exciting,

handsome,

charming,

intelligent

And?

witty,

- handsome
- You've done a handsome before

- good-looking?
- Well, that's like handsome

It's not as strong, is it?

I'm not a bloody thesaurus, Ben

(WHOOPING)

Jammy git

So I wonder who won?

Just let me apologise

(SCOFFS)

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Hang on While we're laying things on
the table, as you say, what about you?

What? What about me?

Is there anything in your past
that you want to tell me about?

No

No

It isn't about me, is it?

You can't leave it alone, can you, Ben?

Come on I'll tell you what,
it's a good job I wasn't around

when Troy the Punisher was on the scene

- I would've made mincemeat of him
- I don't know, Ben

Come on What? Wrestling?
It's all fake, isn't it?

All the wrestlers, they're like actors

and all the moves
are worked out beforehand

Fake! Fake! Yeah, Vegas is fake

Your marriage to Troy, fake!
Fake, fake, fake!

(BEN GROANING)

Submit! Submit! Submit!

Yeah, okay