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1
00:00:16,247 --> 00:00:20,240
(KISSING NOISILY)
2
00:00:22,167 --> 00:00:24,965
Is this ruining anyone else's breakfast?
3
00:00:25,647 --> 00:00:28,844
I don't know how much longer
I can keep this down
4
00:00:35,087 --> 00:00:39,399
I'm a romantic at heart, but even
I'm finding it a little bit cloying
5
00:00:43,327 --> 00:00:44,442
What are you doing?
6
00:00:44,527 --> 00:00:47,564
We used to do this to our budgies
when they got a bit frisky
7
00:00:47,647 --> 00:00:50,764
Really? Back home,
we used to castrate the male
8
00:00:52,007 --> 00:00:54,043
That was my first thought
9
00:00:55,527 --> 00:00:57,597
(MUFFLED CHUCKLING)
10
00:00:59,207 --> 00:01:01,516
Anyone seen the morning paper?
11
00:01:01,967 --> 00:01:03,878
Thank you, Mikey
12
00:01:05,127 --> 00:01:06,276
Oi!
13
00:01:07,607 --> 00:01:10,360
Oh, hello, Ben It's all right,
we're engaged to be married
14
00:01:10,447 --> 00:01:11,482
Really?
15
00:01:11,567 --> 00:01:15,037
We've named the day Saturday
16
00:01:15,767 --> 00:01:17,837
Well, that's wonderful Which Saturday?
17
00:01:17,927 --> 00:01:20,839
Oh, we haven't thought of that yet,
have we?
18
00:01:21,727 --> 00:01:22,796
What was that for?
19
00:01:22,887 --> 00:01:27,005
Pre-emptive strike You're bound
to irritate me at some point today
20
00:01:28,007 --> 00:01:28,996
What's in the bag, Ben?
21
00:01:29,087 --> 00:01:32,875
My DVDs have arrived
Twenty-two hours of television heaven
22
00:01:33,447 --> 00:01:36,007
Let me guess,
The Jane Austen Collection?
23
00:01:36,087 --> 00:01:39,363
That is so close The Nazis in Colour.
24
00:01:40,567 --> 00:01:44,799
- Deep joy
- Oh, yeah Ten discs, extra featurettes
25
00:01:44,967 --> 00:01:46,400
Ha! Anyone wants me,
I'll be on the couch
26
00:01:46,487 --> 00:01:48,842
Shall I bring you some snacks,
or do you just want to dine on the stuff
27
00:01:48,927 --> 00:01:51,805
you dropped between the cushions
last time?
28
00:01:57,447 --> 00:02:00,120
(SOMBRE CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
29
00:02:04,287 --> 00:02:06,926
Hey, Dad I need your advice
30
00:02:07,687 --> 00:02:10,599
- Very funny, Janey
- No, I mean it
31
00:02:10,687 --> 00:02:13,520
Well, yeah, but does it have to be now?
I mean
32
00:02:13,607 --> 00:02:15,359
Janey, what can I do for you
at this point?
33
00:02:15,447 --> 00:02:18,405
You know, you are what you are
I failed you, I'll admit that
34
00:02:18,487 --> 00:02:20,557
Can I just watch my programme, please?
35
00:02:20,647 --> 00:02:23,286
This is important
It's about Kenzo's education
36
00:02:23,367 --> 00:02:25,927
Now, I'm trying to get him
into a good school
37
00:02:26,007 --> 00:02:27,486
Yeah Yeah
38
00:02:27,567 --> 00:02:31,401
- Everyone says St Justin's is the best
- Yeah, right, right
39
00:02:32,407 --> 00:02:33,442
Are you even listening to me?
40
00:02:33,527 --> 00:02:36,280
I'm trying not to, but you keep talking
41
00:02:37,007 --> 00:02:38,963
- Dad, this is serious
- Yeah
42
00:02:39,047 --> 00:02:41,322
I have to convince the vicar
I'm religious
43
00:02:41,407 --> 00:02:44,365
I've been going to church every week
I've been praying my arse off
44
00:02:44,447 --> 00:02:45,562
Hmm
45
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,203
Janey, we're at war here
46
00:02:50,887 --> 00:02:53,117
Right, what else can I do
to impress him?
47
00:02:53,207 --> 00:02:55,960
Okay, how do you normally
impress people?
48
00:02:56,487 --> 00:03:00,116
I usually wear a low-cut blouse
and drink through a straw
49
00:03:01,327 --> 00:03:02,806
Dear God
50
00:03:04,527 --> 00:03:06,040
Why don't you talk to him
about the Bible?
51
00:03:06,127 --> 00:03:07,116
Or you can make a donation
52
00:03:07,207 --> 00:03:09,357
Why don't you talk to him
about the Bible?
53
00:03:15,887 --> 00:03:16,956
Night, you two
54
00:03:17,047 --> 00:03:19,515
BOTH: (MUFFLED) Good night, Susan
55
00:03:21,727 --> 00:03:25,436
Oh, Abi, did you remember to set
the tape for Celebrity Master Chef?
56
00:03:25,527 --> 00:03:28,041
Shut it, Rog, you talk too much
57
00:03:40,007 --> 00:03:42,646
- Roger and Abi are still at it
- Mmm-hmm
58
00:03:42,727 --> 00:03:45,002
- Were we ever that passionate?
- Of course we were
59
00:03:45,087 --> 00:03:48,397
(CHUCKLING) Remember that weekend
on the Norfolk Broads?
60
00:03:48,487 --> 00:03:50,796
Ooh! That was real passion
61
00:03:50,887 --> 00:03:53,560
I've never been to Norfolk in my life
62
00:03:58,927 --> 00:04:01,725
Do you know,
I could have sworn it was you
63
00:04:02,967 --> 00:04:03,956
Well, whoever it was,
64
00:04:04,047 --> 00:04:07,926
I'm sure she had the best
two-and-a-half minutes of her life
65
00:04:08,007 --> 00:04:11,556
I have to admit,
I'm a little jealous of Roger and Abi
66
00:04:11,647 --> 00:04:13,285
They're so excited about their wedding
67
00:04:13,367 --> 00:04:16,996
- Well, we've had our big day
- Our big day was crap
68
00:04:18,687 --> 00:04:20,040
I thought it was okay
69
00:04:20,127 --> 00:04:23,085
How would you know? You were
still drunk from the night before
70
00:04:23,167 --> 00:04:27,080
To be fair, I was still drunk
from the night before that night
71
00:04:27,247 --> 00:04:28,885
Our wedding was terrible
72
00:04:28,967 --> 00:04:30,719
The band was out of tune,
the fish was off
73
00:04:30,807 --> 00:04:32,877
and the sex was mediocre
74
00:04:33,647 --> 00:04:36,241
I had an upset stomach from the fish
75
00:04:36,767 --> 00:04:39,918
I just wish things could have
been different, that's all
76
00:04:40,007 --> 00:04:43,602
If I was doing it today,
I'd do things so much better
77
00:04:43,687 --> 00:04:47,043
It's too late now, though,
you can't turn back the clock now
78
00:04:47,127 --> 00:04:51,325
But we can We could renew our vows
79
00:04:54,727 --> 00:04:57,400
- What for?
- It would freshen things up
80
00:05:01,087 --> 00:05:02,964
Give our marriage
a brand new lease of life
81
00:05:03,047 --> 00:05:05,800
It would be a whole waste of a Saturday
82
00:05:07,927 --> 00:05:10,600
Oh, my God, you're serious about this
83
00:05:11,367 --> 00:05:14,484
Okay, okay You go and get the forms,
and I'll sign them
84
00:05:14,567 --> 00:05:17,161
It's not like getting a new tax disc
85
00:05:17,367 --> 00:05:21,645
Come on, Ben, we'll have a
We'll have a nice little ceremony
86
00:05:22,327 --> 00:05:26,081
You, me, the kids,
we'll see if the vicar is free
87
00:05:26,887 --> 00:05:30,163
And we'll reaffirm the love
we feel for each other
88
00:05:33,407 --> 00:05:36,922
What, say we love each other
in front of people?
89
00:05:38,567 --> 00:05:41,161
I hardly dare say it in front of you
90
00:05:43,007 --> 00:05:45,601
- So you're saying no?
- (STAMMERING) I No It's
91
00:05:45,687 --> 00:05:49,043
Look, I don't like to close the door
on these things
92
00:05:49,127 --> 00:05:52,244
You know, I think it's
93
00:05:52,607 --> 00:05:53,960
pointless
94
00:06:03,967 --> 00:06:05,320
(SIGHING)
95
00:06:07,007 --> 00:06:08,759
What are you doing?
96
00:06:08,887 --> 00:06:13,119
Just getting rid of a few little things
I shan't be needing any more
97
00:06:24,687 --> 00:06:27,485
This is really important to you,
isn't it?
98
00:06:27,967 --> 00:06:29,366
Yes, it is
99
00:06:30,207 --> 00:06:33,517
Okay, okay, look,
if it makes you happy, I'll do it
100
00:06:34,087 --> 00:06:35,839
Thank you, darling
101
00:06:39,807 --> 00:06:42,446
Actually, I'm not tired any more
102
00:06:44,527 --> 00:06:47,166
- I'm not really tired, either
- Really?
103
00:06:47,767 --> 00:06:49,405
I've got an idea
104
00:06:50,247 --> 00:06:53,762
- I bet I can guess what it is
- You know me so well
105
00:06:55,447 --> 00:06:59,122
I'm gonna get one of my DVDs
and put it on the television
106
00:07:02,607 --> 00:07:05,440
Guess what? It's the Nuremberg Rally
107
00:07:09,047 --> 00:07:10,526
Thank you
108
00:07:12,687 --> 00:07:14,086
(MAN SPEAKING IN GERMAN ON TV)
109
00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:15,839
(CHEERING ON TV)
110
00:07:17,007 --> 00:07:19,316
I love this programme
111
00:07:19,927 --> 00:07:23,363
- Would you mind if I watch it with you?
- Only if you keep quiet
112
00:07:23,447 --> 00:07:24,800
Understood
113
00:07:31,407 --> 00:07:33,318
- Get out
- I didn't say a peep
114
00:07:33,407 --> 00:07:35,875
You cannot hop into bed with me
115
00:07:39,487 --> 00:07:41,717
Can I at least sit on the bed?
116
00:07:42,287 --> 00:07:43,356
No
117
00:07:44,167 --> 00:07:47,239
- How about the very edge?
- The very, very edge
118
00:07:48,687 --> 00:07:50,439
Uh-uh Uh
119
00:07:51,807 --> 00:07:54,958
- That's fine
- I won't move from this spot
120
00:07:58,367 --> 00:08:00,005
- SUSAN: Ben
- Mmm
121
00:08:02,447 --> 00:08:04,119
- Ben, darling
- Mmm
122
00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:06,080
Would you like some coffee?
123
00:08:06,167 --> 00:08:09,557
Oh, yeah Oh, yeah, you bet
124
00:08:11,687 --> 00:08:13,484
I'd love some coffee
125
00:08:15,047 --> 00:08:20,041
Hey, stop that
You know what that does to me
126
00:08:21,087 --> 00:08:22,122
(WHOOPING)
127
00:08:22,207 --> 00:08:23,686
That tickles
128
00:08:24,647 --> 00:08:26,160
I'm over here
129
00:08:36,687 --> 00:08:38,723
(GIBBERING)
130
00:08:43,967 --> 00:08:45,559
Last thing I remember
was watching the television
131
00:08:45,647 --> 00:08:48,002
and Italy going over to the other side
132
00:08:48,087 --> 00:08:50,681
Looks like they're not the only ones
133
00:09:01,367 --> 00:09:02,595
(COUGHS)
134
00:09:05,767 --> 00:09:07,564
Lovely service, as always
135
00:09:07,647 --> 00:09:10,525
Thank you
I could see that you enjoyed it
136
00:09:10,807 --> 00:09:12,035
Oh, you noticed me?
137
00:09:12,127 --> 00:09:14,721
Well, difficult not to
when it's only you and me out there
138
00:09:14,807 --> 00:09:16,160
(CHUCKLES)
139
00:09:16,247 --> 00:09:17,965
A little tip
140
00:09:18,047 --> 00:09:21,835
We don't normally whistle and applaud
after morning service
141
00:09:22,127 --> 00:09:25,802
Sorry, Vicar
I just wanted a word with you
142
00:09:25,887 --> 00:09:31,041
Dennis, please And don't apologise
It's nice to be appreciated Come in
143
00:09:38,247 --> 00:09:40,807
Hello, Janey, everything all right?
144
00:09:43,647 --> 00:09:45,877
The vicar just came on to me
145
00:09:46,847 --> 00:09:48,519
I thought they were
supposed to be celibate
146
00:09:48,607 --> 00:09:50,518
That's Catholics, dear
147
00:09:51,767 --> 00:09:53,598
Which one's this, then?
148
00:09:54,647 --> 00:09:56,558
Janey, sit down
149
00:09:57,687 --> 00:10:01,077
Janey, I want you to keep
Saturday the 14th free
150
00:10:02,087 --> 00:10:05,284
Your father and I are
renewing our wedding vows
151
00:10:05,407 --> 00:10:08,399
Why? Is there some
sort of tax break involved?
152
00:10:14,607 --> 00:10:17,804
- Mr Harper
- Alfie
153
00:10:20,327 --> 00:10:23,524
That Nazis in Colour is some programme,
isn't it?
154
00:10:24,647 --> 00:10:26,444
Yeah, a classic, yeah
155
00:10:27,287 --> 00:10:30,484
Listen, Mr Harper, I'm sorry
I fell asleep watching the telly
156
00:10:30,567 --> 00:10:31,716
I understand that part, Alfie
157
00:10:31,807 --> 00:10:35,117
What I don't understand
is how you came to be naked
158
00:10:38,367 --> 00:10:40,881
Alfie, can we talk to you a minute?
159
00:10:40,967 --> 00:10:43,720
- Listen, Mrs Harper, nothing
- Shut up!
160
00:10:44,727 --> 00:10:47,366
I need you to keep Saturday week free
161
00:10:48,207 --> 00:10:51,165
Ben and I are getting married again
162
00:10:52,927 --> 00:10:54,883
Oh, that's wonderful
163
00:10:58,207 --> 00:11:02,644
You're a lucky woman, Mrs Harper
The man has rower's legs
164
00:11:03,087 --> 00:11:04,805
Keep away from me
165
00:11:06,087 --> 00:11:08,282
I'd be honoured
if you'd allow me to bring
166
00:11:08,367 --> 00:11:10,039
the gift of song to your wedding
167
00:11:10,127 --> 00:11:12,357
Oh, that's lovely, Alfie
168
00:11:13,207 --> 00:11:16,244
I don't mean to brag,
but the farmers used to call me
169
00:11:16,327 --> 00:11:18,761
the Paul McCartney of Caernarfon
170
00:11:19,367 --> 00:11:21,119
That's not bragging
171
00:11:23,287 --> 00:11:26,006
Oh, there's so much to do Ah, Michael
172
00:11:26,727 --> 00:11:30,436
I want you to phone round
and track down some of our old friends
173
00:11:30,527 --> 00:11:32,119
who attended our first wedding
174
00:11:32,207 --> 00:11:34,198
Any of them still alive?
175
00:11:35,647 --> 00:11:39,196
Very funny, Michael
Oh, no, actually he's gone
176
00:11:42,087 --> 00:11:43,406
Now,
177
00:11:44,407 --> 00:11:45,886
open your eyes:
178
00:11:45,967 --> 00:11:47,195
(WHISTLING)
179
00:11:47,287 --> 00:11:48,515
Oh
180
00:11:49,327 --> 00:11:52,080
I dug out our old wedding outfits
181
00:11:52,207 --> 00:11:54,675
I thought we could do it in these
182
00:11:57,287 --> 00:11:59,164
- Whatever grabs you
- Mmm-hmm
183
00:11:59,247 --> 00:12:01,442
I like your way of thinking
184
00:12:02,447 --> 00:12:04,244
I thought you were gonna
give this away to charity
185
00:12:04,327 --> 00:12:05,601
I tried
186
00:12:06,807 --> 00:12:09,275
Yes, they're renewing their vows
187
00:12:11,327 --> 00:12:13,363
Look, there's no need
for that sort of language
188
00:12:13,447 --> 00:12:16,041
Just a simple yes or no will suffice
189
00:12:18,287 --> 00:12:21,597
Okay, so you don't like him
Are you coming or not?
190
00:12:23,687 --> 00:12:26,155
All right, when hell freezes over
191
00:12:26,607 --> 00:12:28,404
Grandma's not coming
192
00:12:45,327 --> 00:12:47,522
SUSAN: Having trouble in there?
193
00:12:54,527 --> 00:12:56,119
Are you kidding?
194
00:12:56,967 --> 00:12:59,322
I'm in the best shape of my life
195
00:13:00,847 --> 00:13:02,200
(GRUNTING)
196
00:13:47,687 --> 00:13:49,279
Oh, my God
197
00:13:51,167 --> 00:13:52,919
You look beautiful
198
00:13:54,847 --> 00:13:56,166
So do you
199
00:14:00,687 --> 00:14:03,997
I'd come over to kiss you,
but I can't move my legs
200
00:14:09,207 --> 00:14:11,084
Wow, wow!
201
00:14:11,967 --> 00:14:15,482
- Wow That dress fits you perfectly
- Thank you
202
00:14:15,607 --> 00:14:19,236
It's amazing after
You've had it altered, haven't you?
203
00:14:20,047 --> 00:14:21,799
(PHONE RINGING)
204
00:14:21,887 --> 00:14:23,081
Susan
205
00:14:25,487 --> 00:14:27,637
It's all right, I'll get it
206
00:14:35,567 --> 00:14:38,206
Hello? Yeah
207
00:14:38,567 --> 00:14:41,320
Sorry, sorry Hang on, hang on, hang on
208
00:14:42,127 --> 00:14:43,401
Oh!
209
00:14:44,527 --> 00:14:47,439
Hello Yeah
210
00:14:49,167 --> 00:14:51,203
Mark, yeah Hi
211
00:14:52,647 --> 00:14:54,399
What, you're kidding?
212
00:14:55,247 --> 00:14:56,600
What, me?
213
00:14:57,247 --> 00:14:59,556
Oh, yeah Oh, when?
214
00:14:59,887 --> 00:15:04,119
Of course Yeah, I'll be there
Oh, cheers, Mark
215
00:15:04,207 --> 00:15:08,758
Oh, yeah Yeah, bye
Susan, great news Great news
216
00:15:08,847 --> 00:15:13,079
One of Mark Eddington's clients
has fractured his pelvis skiing
217
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:16,238
- And that's a good thing?
- Yeah, great thing
218
00:15:16,327 --> 00:15:19,444
Yeah, fantastic thing
Because you know why?
219
00:15:19,527 --> 00:15:22,564
Mark has given me this guy's ticket
in the director's box
220
00:15:22,647 --> 00:15:24,444
for Chelsea v Man United
221
00:15:24,527 --> 00:15:25,721
Oh, good for you, darling
222
00:15:25,807 --> 00:15:28,241
Yeah You know what this means,
don't you?
223
00:15:28,327 --> 00:15:30,204
Valet parking
Lunch in the director's box
224
00:15:30,287 --> 00:15:33,962
Free champagne all afternoon
and I'm gonna be there on Saturday
225
00:15:34,047 --> 00:15:35,116
(BEN LAUGHING)
226
00:15:35,207 --> 00:15:37,038
- Which Saturday?
- 14th
227
00:15:39,487 --> 00:15:41,125
And that date means nothing to you?
228
00:15:41,207 --> 00:15:45,405
Well, only it's the biggest game of
the year and I am gonna be there, woo!
229
00:15:47,287 --> 00:15:49,801
Aren't we forgetting someone?
230
00:15:50,447 --> 00:15:53,598
Oh, sorry, darling
He's only got the one ticket
231
00:15:55,007 --> 00:15:58,522
Oh, yeah Oh, the wedding thing, yeah
Oh, yeah
232
00:15:58,607 --> 00:16:00,723
Okay, yeah, disappointment
233
00:16:00,887 --> 00:16:05,324
Yes, I'm sorry Probably best
if you call Mark back straight away
234
00:16:05,887 --> 00:16:08,355
- Why would I do that?
- Tell him you can't go
235
00:16:08,447 --> 00:16:09,800
Why can't I go?
236
00:16:10,687 --> 00:16:13,360
You've got to be kidding
You don't even go to football
237
00:16:13,447 --> 00:16:15,165
Well, that's because I have to sit
with the peasants
238
00:16:15,247 --> 00:16:17,124
This is the director's box
239
00:16:17,207 --> 00:16:18,560
I can't believe
you're even contemplating it
240
00:16:18,647 --> 00:16:21,081
Susan, this is a chance of a lifetime
241
00:16:21,167 --> 00:16:22,885
- But I booked the caterers
- Look, stop this
242
00:16:22,967 --> 00:16:26,084
Just stop this now Look,
I was prepared to go along with this,
243
00:16:26,167 --> 00:16:28,635
you know, when it was a bit of fun
244
00:16:28,727 --> 00:16:31,924
But, you know,
I mean, this is getting serious
245
00:16:32,607 --> 00:16:35,201
Reaffirming how you feel about me,
a bit of fun?
246
00:16:35,287 --> 00:16:37,926
Look, look, let's just stop
Look, there must be a solution to this
247
00:16:38,007 --> 00:16:40,805
There's got Ah, got it So simple
248
00:16:41,847 --> 00:16:45,157
How about we reaffirm our vows
in the club car park?
249
00:16:45,247 --> 00:16:47,238
You're happy, I'm happy
250
00:16:54,047 --> 00:16:55,605
(DOOR SLAMMING)
251
00:16:57,567 --> 00:17:00,764
Well, forgive me
for trying to find a compromise
252
00:17:06,407 --> 00:17:09,205
You don't seem to be enjoying
Nazis in Colour
253
00:17:09,287 --> 00:17:12,040
as much as you were yesterday,
Mr Harper
254
00:17:12,567 --> 00:17:16,685
Would I be wrong in thinking that
all is not well with you and Mrs Harper?
255
00:17:16,767 --> 00:17:19,600
Perhaps What makes you think that?
256
00:17:19,927 --> 00:17:24,398
Oh, when you're from a rural background
and you're a bit closer to nature,
257
00:17:24,487 --> 00:17:26,955
you tend to pick up on the signs
258
00:17:27,447 --> 00:17:30,723
The body language,
the vibrations in the house
259
00:17:31,847 --> 00:17:34,998
Mrs Harper in the garden
cutting up your shirts
260
00:17:36,047 --> 00:17:38,845
Alfie, tell Mr Harper
he's getting his own dinner tonight
261
00:17:38,927 --> 00:17:42,442
Alfie, tell Mrs Harper I thank her,
and my stomach thanks her
262
00:17:42,527 --> 00:17:45,997
Alfie, tell Mr Harper all housework
will be suspended until further notice
263
00:17:46,087 --> 00:17:48,760
Alfie, tell Mrs Harper
I'll let her know when I notice
264
00:17:48,847 --> 00:17:52,157
- Alfie, tell Mr Harper
- Stop, stop, stop
265
00:17:53,927 --> 00:17:55,883
I'm sorry for raising my voice
like that,
266
00:17:55,967 --> 00:17:58,276
but something needed to be done
267
00:17:58,967 --> 00:18:03,085
But I refuse to be a shuttlecock
in your game of emotional tennis
268
00:18:03,167 --> 00:18:05,078
Shuttlecock? That's badminton
269
00:18:05,167 --> 00:18:08,239
Not everything has to be
an argument, Mr Harper
270
00:18:09,487 --> 00:18:11,557
Hey, Mum You ready to go?
271
00:18:12,007 --> 00:18:14,840
Dad, look after Kenzo, will you?
Mum and I are off to church
272
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:18,715
- Oh, got a date with the vicar?
- No, I'm going to turn him down
273
00:18:18,807 --> 00:18:20,877
Here Bob the Builder. Put it on
274
00:18:22,327 --> 00:18:25,478
- Bob the Builder! Yeah!
- There we go Thanks, Dad
275
00:18:25,567 --> 00:18:28,957
Yeah! Yeah, just me and you, eh, Kenzo?
276
00:18:29,487 --> 00:18:31,079
The lads, eh?
277
00:18:31,167 --> 00:18:32,725
(CHUCKLING)
278
00:18:33,527 --> 00:18:38,840
He's selfish, inconsiderate, pig-headed,
emotionally stunted
279
00:18:38,927 --> 00:18:42,203
Every time I look at him,
I just want to slap his stupid face
280
00:18:42,287 --> 00:18:45,324
I think we're straying from the subject
281
00:18:45,567 --> 00:18:47,842
You're here to talk about
renewing your vows
282
00:18:47,927 --> 00:18:50,361
Damn right I want to renew them
283
00:18:50,607 --> 00:18:51,926
To stand there in the eyes of the Lord
284
00:18:52,007 --> 00:18:54,840
and tell that insensitive git
I love him
285
00:18:55,447 --> 00:18:57,005
I can't help but feel perhaps
286
00:18:57,087 --> 00:18:59,999
you're not in the right place
for this mentally, Mrs Harper
287
00:19:00,087 --> 00:19:02,760
Um, maybe you should postpone
288
00:19:03,087 --> 00:19:08,115
Postpone? Postpone? And let him win?
289
00:19:08,687 --> 00:19:12,805
He'd like that, wouldn't he?
So, Saturday week, yes?
290
00:19:13,167 --> 00:19:15,078
- 11:00? Yes
- Uh
291
00:19:16,087 --> 00:19:19,397
Perhaps I should speak
to Mr Harper about this
292
00:19:19,487 --> 00:19:21,205
What do you want to speak to him for?
293
00:19:21,287 --> 00:19:23,642
Just to make sure that you're both
in complete agreement about
294
00:19:23,727 --> 00:19:28,243
Listen, Vicar, I'll take care of Ben
295
00:19:29,047 --> 00:19:32,357
You just serve up a nice,
romantic blessing Got it?
296
00:19:37,247 --> 00:19:40,478
Go on, Janey, ditch the vicar
Don't be long We have flowers to order
297
00:19:41,287 --> 00:19:43,005
Here we go, Kenzo
298
00:19:44,647 --> 00:19:47,445
Don't want you to drink alone Cheers
299
00:19:49,527 --> 00:19:53,042
- I like Bob the Builder
- Yeah, I like Bob the Builder
300
00:19:53,327 --> 00:19:55,761
Yeah I think that guy's
got the right idea
301
00:19:55,847 --> 00:19:57,326
Why?
302
00:19:57,407 --> 00:20:00,683
Well, you know, things break,
he fixes them
303
00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:04,476
He works outdoors, he's appreciated
It's the perfect life
304
00:20:04,687 --> 00:20:07,918
- Why?
- There's no women involved, are there?
305
00:20:08,847 --> 00:20:10,963
He hangs around
with a bunch of machines
306
00:20:11,047 --> 00:20:14,960
No emotions No hormones to deal with
307
00:20:15,407 --> 00:20:16,965
Why?
308
00:20:19,567 --> 00:20:22,445
Look, Kenzo, I don't want to influence
your view of the world,
309
00:20:22,527 --> 00:20:25,280
but I think you should know this now
310
00:20:27,207 --> 00:20:31,598
That women
Women are very difficult to live with
311
00:20:31,687 --> 00:20:33,086
Why?
312
00:20:33,847 --> 00:20:37,283
Because their brains
are smaller than men's
313
00:20:38,727 --> 00:20:40,046
Why?
314
00:20:40,127 --> 00:20:42,595
Because they've got a bit missing
315
00:20:43,287 --> 00:20:46,484
The bit that contains rational thought
316
00:20:47,327 --> 00:20:48,601
Why?
317
00:20:50,287 --> 00:20:52,039
It's not important
318
00:20:52,527 --> 00:20:58,318
What's important is for you to know that
women are very good for this planet,
319
00:20:58,807 --> 00:21:02,038
because they're very good at one thing
320
00:21:04,807 --> 00:21:07,685
But I can't tell you
what that one thing is
321
00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:09,997
- Why?
- Doesn't matter
322
00:21:10,407 --> 00:21:14,286
What's important is you must never ever
tell your grandmother I told you this
323
00:21:14,367 --> 00:21:15,766
Why?
324
00:21:17,687 --> 00:21:20,485
Because you will never ever
see me again
325
00:21:22,807 --> 00:21:24,286
About us going out
326
00:21:24,367 --> 00:21:27,643
Yes That could be tricky
327
00:21:27,727 --> 00:21:32,517
You see, as a vicar,
I have a certain image to uphold
328
00:21:33,727 --> 00:21:36,480
It isn't that I didn't like
talking to your mother
329
00:21:36,567 --> 00:21:39,764
My mother? Oh!
330
00:21:41,687 --> 00:21:44,406
Well, when you date me,
you get my whole family
331
00:21:44,487 --> 00:21:47,797
- Yes, about that
- Is that going to be a problem?
332
00:21:49,407 --> 00:21:51,557
Janey, we can't go out
333
00:21:52,527 --> 00:21:55,758
Really? That's dreadful
334
00:21:57,207 --> 00:21:59,641
I'm sure you must be disappointed
335
00:21:59,727 --> 00:22:04,084
- Mortified
- But if it's any consolation,
336
00:22:04,167 --> 00:22:08,240
I would like to do whatever I can
to place Kenzo in our school
337
00:22:09,007 --> 00:22:15,321
Oh Well, I suppose it's some comfort
338
00:22:17,487 --> 00:22:20,285
I've made a list of
minimum requirements
339
00:22:21,407 --> 00:22:24,080
Okay, fire away, I'm a reasonable man
340
00:22:24,567 --> 00:22:27,764
I want you there for the ceremony,
the photographs, the lunch,
341
00:22:27,847 --> 00:22:30,441
but you can go before
the coffee and the cake
342
00:22:30,647 --> 00:22:32,080
Unacceptable
343
00:22:32,167 --> 00:22:35,477
If I stay for the lunch, I'll miss
the pre-match champagne reception
344
00:22:35,567 --> 00:22:38,525
Well, what are you offering, then?
345
00:22:42,047 --> 00:22:44,197
I'll give you the ceremony
346
00:22:44,287 --> 00:22:46,118
(INHALING DEEPLY)
347
00:22:47,967 --> 00:22:50,197
You save me a piece of cake
348
00:22:52,127 --> 00:22:54,436
Okay, how about this, then?
349
00:22:55,247 --> 00:22:58,398
You go to the champagne reception,
the lunch, the match,
350
00:22:58,487 --> 00:23:00,125
you have drinks with
the players afterwards
351
00:23:00,207 --> 00:23:01,356
Yeah
352
00:23:01,447 --> 00:23:05,326
and we change the renewal of the vows
to a quickie divorce
353
00:23:07,847 --> 00:23:11,044
It's the cake bit that's upsetting you,
isn't it?
354
00:23:11,407 --> 00:23:13,875
- I think we're wasting our time here
- Look, Susan, please
355
00:23:13,967 --> 00:23:17,403
Look, if we bring the whole thing
forward two hours
356
00:23:17,487 --> 00:23:19,796
then I can catch the football
357
00:23:20,967 --> 00:23:24,755
Fine I'll bring everything forward
two hours,
358
00:23:24,847 --> 00:23:30,080
but you have to write your own vows
as per the original agreement, plus
359
00:23:32,327 --> 00:23:34,557
I want a mini-break in Paris
360
00:23:36,967 --> 00:23:38,320
A dirty weekend in Ramsgate
361
00:23:38,407 --> 00:23:40,363
- Chichester
- You're on
362
00:23:44,767 --> 00:23:49,636
My God, you are so sexy
when you negotiate
363
00:23:52,327 --> 00:23:53,919
God, I want you
364
00:23:56,007 --> 00:23:58,316
- Come here
- No, you come here
365
00:24:01,127 --> 00:24:02,242
Okay
366
00:24:12,127 --> 00:24:14,925
Not on the couch tonight then,
Mr Harper?
367
00:24:30,487 --> 00:24:32,443
(PANTING)
368
00:24:32,527 --> 00:24:34,916
Would you mind horribly
if we stopped kissing?
369
00:24:35,007 --> 00:24:36,804
- Why?
- I just can't do it any more
370
00:24:36,887 --> 00:24:38,718
My lips are too tired
371
00:24:39,567 --> 00:24:42,479
Nice turnout, Mikey, well done
372
00:24:42,567 --> 00:24:44,046
Not a problem
373
00:24:45,287 --> 00:24:48,120
- They're not our friends, are they?
- No
374
00:24:49,687 --> 00:24:51,962
- Who are they?
- Polish workmen
375
00:24:52,287 --> 00:24:56,246
They don't speak any English,
so don't expect too much from the hymns
376
00:24:56,327 --> 00:24:58,363
As long as your mum's happy
377
00:24:58,447 --> 00:25:02,599
So I wake up stark naked in bed
cuddling up with Mr Harper
378
00:25:04,407 --> 00:25:09,527
- I guess you had to be there
- And what relation are you?
379
00:25:09,607 --> 00:25:13,646
Oh, I'm not a relative
Mr Harper lets me stay here for nothing
380
00:25:19,087 --> 00:25:21,726
(PLAYING BRIDAL CHORUS)
381
00:25:21,807 --> 00:25:25,083
(MUSIC CHANGES TO O CHRISTMAS TREE)
382
00:25:33,527 --> 00:25:36,280
(PLAYING BRIDAL CHORUS)
383
00:25:44,847 --> 00:25:47,839
Oh, Abi, isn't this exciting?
384
00:25:48,047 --> 00:25:51,403
I want our wedding to be
exactly the same as this
385
00:25:51,487 --> 00:25:54,604
Oh! Can't we have our friends instead?
386
00:25:55,247 --> 00:25:57,602
Abi, you're always kidding
387
00:26:04,247 --> 00:26:06,078
Ben and Susan,
388
00:26:06,527 --> 00:26:11,806
we're gathered here today to celebrate
a renewal of your blessed union
389
00:26:11,887 --> 00:26:13,639
so many years ago:
390
00:26:14,367 --> 00:26:18,280
Truly, it's a divine miracle
that you've made it this far
391
00:26:20,047 --> 00:26:22,845
And as a symbol of their
love and devotion,
392
00:26:22,927 --> 00:26:26,920
Ben and Susan have decided
to write their own vows
393
00:26:27,647 --> 00:26:29,205
Yes, we have
394
00:26:29,567 --> 00:26:30,602
Thank you
395
00:26:30,687 --> 00:26:32,325
(CLEARING THROAT)
396
00:26:33,687 --> 00:26:38,715
Ben, my love for you today
is as great as
397
00:26:40,767 --> 00:26:44,157
You've written all your heart-felt
sentiments on a Post-it?
398
00:26:44,247 --> 00:26:45,965
I used both sides
399
00:26:47,487 --> 00:26:50,160
Susan, Susan!
400
00:26:51,127 --> 00:26:52,480
Susan!
401
00:26:53,407 --> 00:26:54,806
Susan!
402
00:26:57,167 --> 00:26:58,964
I caught the bouquet
403
00:27:00,767 --> 00:27:02,485
Susan
404
00:27:03,167 --> 00:27:05,203
Susan, come on, let me in
405
00:27:07,887 --> 00:27:10,685
Susan, you know
I'm not very good at this
406
00:27:12,487 --> 00:27:17,038
The reason I haven't got much
written down is because I find it,
407
00:27:17,127 --> 00:27:22,042
you know, very difficult describing
what you mean to my life, because
408
00:27:24,247 --> 00:27:25,885
you are my life
409
00:27:28,607 --> 00:27:31,917
You're the first thing I think about
when I wake up,
410
00:27:33,247 --> 00:27:36,717
you're the last thing I think about
when I go to sleep
411
00:27:39,087 --> 00:27:41,681
(SIGHING)
412
00:27:42,007 --> 00:27:45,204
You're my wife, Susan,
my lover, my best friend
413
00:27:47,367 --> 00:27:49,722
And I loved you when we married,
and I love you now
414
00:27:49,807 --> 00:27:53,482
and I'll love you till the day I die
415
00:27:54,687 --> 00:27:56,439
(TOILET FLUSHING)
416
00:28:05,167 --> 00:28:06,964
Sorry, what was that?
417
00:28:12,247 --> 00:28:13,885
I'm really proud of you
418
00:28:13,967 --> 00:28:17,437
It took a lot of courage to say that
in front of everyone
419
00:28:17,527 --> 00:28:19,006
I meant every word
420
00:28:19,087 --> 00:28:22,159
Mind you, you left out that
"first thing in the morning,
421
00:28:22,247 --> 00:28:24,397
"last thing at night" stuff
422
00:28:25,807 --> 00:28:27,320
You heard it all, didn't you?
423
00:28:27,407 --> 00:28:30,160
Yes, but it didn't hurt
to hear it again
424
00:28:34,207 --> 00:28:36,482
Your grandad's pretty special
425
00:28:36,767 --> 00:28:38,519
I'm a very lucky woman
426
00:28:38,607 --> 00:28:41,917
Grandad said you're
only good for one thing
427
00:28:48,487 --> 00:28:51,320
I'm not going to the game, am I?
428
00:28:51,407 --> 00:28:53,523
You may never go out again
32730
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