All language subtitles for M F 904

I wonder
what Manny's doing right now.

Why don't you call him?

You call him.
I don't care what he's doing.

I'm trying not to bug him.

He said that he needed some
time to adjust to college,

- so I'm giving him...
- Stop the car!

- [TIRES SCREECHING]
- [ALL SCREAM]

Why would you do that?!

I think that's Shorty.

Shorty and I have been
best friends

for as long as I can remember.

He and his wife, Darlene,
moved to Costa Rica

a few years back for, uh...
I don't know why.

Ruin his life eating beans,
fighting malaria,

drinking water people bathe in?

This.

This is when you sound racist!

You come to town and
you don't tell me?

I ought to punch you in the neck,

- you son of a bitch.
- Jay!

I want to kick you in the knee,

you stupid idiot!

That might not be a thing.

You're a terrible best friend.

Don't yell at me.
I'm only here a couple of days.

It was last-minute.
I was gonna call.

This Joe?

You're huge.

Eh, I can be bigger.

What are you doing?
Where are you staying?

I'm checking in at the
hotel over there.

No hotels.

You're as bad with money
as you are with pants.

What's going on down there,
anyway?

These?

Palazzos.

Never felt so comfortable.

Everything goes
where it wants to go.

[CHUCKLES]

Shorty, why don't you
come and stay with us?

You will even get your own room

'cause Manny's off to college.

College?! How's he doing?

I wish I knew.
He needed some space.

In the meantime, she sends him
a care package the size of a Fiat,

which included a pack
of my favorite sausage.

- I did not put the sausage...
- Well, where did it go, then?!

I know what I ate!

There's too many things
upsetting me right now.

Go get your stuff.
Meet us back

at the house. It's done.

- You got it!
- Yes!

It's gonna be so nice
since Manny's gone

to have somebody fun
again in the house.

♪♪

♪♪

*MODERN FAMILY*
Season 09 Episode 04
Title: "Sex Lies Kickball"

Are you ready for this, big boy?

Oh, I'm ready.

And it's gonna get pretty messy.

Mm!

So, do you want to be blue or gold?

I'll be blue.

'Cause I'm cool...

Aah! That tickles!

Claire recently went to
a bachelorette party

where they gave everyone
a passion painting kit.

The idea is that
you and your partner

cover one another in paint...

get down on the canvas.

And then get down on the canvas.

- [LAUGHS]
- Stop squirming, Phil.

- I'm never gonna get this paint on you.
- Okay, I'll do you.

You're gonna be so gold,
you'll like an Oscar.

[CHUCKLES]

- So many people to thank.
- Oh, yeah.

[CELLPHONE RINGS]

Oh, crap, it's Alex.

Just ignore it.

I can't.
What if something's wrong?

Hi, honey. Everything okay?

ALEX: Yeah, I'm just,
uh, letting you know

I'm sleeping at home tonight.

Uh, h-how far away are you?

About 20 minutes.

Oh, that leaves 10
minutes for cleanup.

Also, is it okay if, um,
Ben stays over tonight?

[SIGHS] Sure.

I guess
if his mommy says it's okay.

[SCOFFS] Mom, you don't
have to take a shot at Ben

every time he comes up.

[SCOFFS] Yeah, right, like
I wouldn't ask my mom.

I'm really supposed to ignore that?

Listen, he is my boyfriend,

- and I'm getting really tired of this.
- Oh, calm down.

- It was just a joke.
- Well, it's not funny!

When you attack Ben,
you attack me.

Yeah, yeah, I got it.

[SIGHS] Ugh!

Now, where were we?

Honey, I kind of think maybe
the moment has passed.

[CELLPHONE RINGS]

Ohh, it's my dad.
What now?

Just ignore it.

I can't. What if something's wrong?

- JAY: Hey, honey.
- Hi, Dad.

Shorty's in town!

I need that set of golf
clubs I gave to Phil.

That bonehead's certainly not
putting them to any good use.

Why, Dad? Why do you
always have to attack him?

Oh, calm down.
It was just a joke.

I'll pick them up in the morning.

He pisses me off so much!

Come on! Let's do this!

This doesn't feel like it's about me.

I'm gonna hop in the shower.

What?

What's been going on with you lately?

You look so handsome.

Oh, well, thank you, sweetie.

You know what, I added
a serum step to my skin-care regimen.

W-Wait a minute.

You're just angling for
horseback-riding lessons,

aren't you?

- Come on!
- No.

You're not gonna become one
of those over-scheduled kids

that burns out at 13

and wears combat boots to the beach.

I'm the least-busy Asian
kid in my school.

Great. Take the other
end of this sheet

and help me make up
the bed for Lionel.

- Lionel's staying here tonight?
- Yes.

Pepper and Ronaldo are
dropping him off.

Last year,
Pepper and Ronaldo told us

that they wanted
to become parents

and were on a quest to
acquire Rihanna's eggs.

And we said,
"Or, you rich queens",

you could provide a home
for a child that needs one."

So they adopted,

and we are a little nervous
about how it's going

because, um, when they first
introduced us to Lionel,

we could tell that it
wasn't a great fit.

Hi, Lionel,
it's nice meeting you.

Hey. Cool shirt.

It's a basketball costume.

Jersey.

Jersey. Right.

Like "Jersey Boys."

Okay, somebody fix me a drink.

We just got cheeseburgers
out of a window

and ate in our car.

Do we have to disclose
that when we sell it?

It seemed like a bit of a rocky start,

but Pepper said it's going well.

Parenting does change you.

You know, before Lily, I
could be so dramatic.

Oh, and I used to be so uptight.

- But look at us now.
- Oh, sorry.

Okay, your hand almost
went in my mouth.

Come in, come in.

Ohh! I like this!

It's a lot better than
what was here before.

Uh, our kitchen was there before.

[CHUCKLES]

Am I being unclear?

Okay, well, Lionel,
don't you look sharp?

It's Burberry
from Harrods in London. Right?

Ohh, you wonderful child.

You won't need those
flashcards much longer.

Here, for Lionel's stay...

some snacks, toiletries,

a design magazine you two
could also flip through.

Okay, so, Lionel, uh,

we have you set up here
in the den.

That's where the TV is,

and Cam tells me that
we have a sports package.

That's okay.

I should practice my cursive.

Pepper says penmanship is a lost art.

Yes. As are thank-you notes,

which is why we can only assume

you enjoyed our anniversary gift.

Anyway,
we have to get to the airport.

How do we say goodbye,
Lionel?

Au revoir.

Come walk us to the door.

What have they done to him?

Turned him into a little black Pepper.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

It's so infuriating.

She treats you like
you're not even a man.

Doesn't that bother you?

You know, if you please everyone,

you're not making enough progress.

Cheryl Sandberg.

Hey, is this garbage?

I don't know.

What's in it?

Uh, "Passion Painting Erotic Art Kit"?

What is that?

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

Ew!

Gross! Ugh! Uh.

You know what?

If she wants to belittle you
like you're some child,

we are going to use this

to show her
what kind of man you are.

I don't want to get paint
on my T-shirt and socks.

Well, maybe you'll just have
to take them off for this one.

Morning! How's my guy?

Awful. I had a zillion nightmares.

I was talking to Shorty,
but gee, that's rough.

Hey, let's have breakfast
at my club today.

We do a thing on Friday called
"Yesterday's Potatoes."

They take last night's
French fries

and make 'em
into today's home fries,

and last night's fries
were fantastic.

Sounds delicious, but, uh,
Gloria already cooked.

Two poached eggs, chorizo,

and a croissant with blackberry jam.

- Yes!
- Manny's favorite.

Geez, why don't you just call him?

I made it out of habit.

But thankfully, Shorty loved it.

Didn't you, Papi?

Okay, I'll tell you what.
Why don't you

- get out of those pajamas...
- What pajamas?

And then come sit while I...
Those aren't pajamas?

No. Actually, Gloria and I are
gonna go to the farmer's market

after we drop Joe off at school.

- Why?
- It's kind of work-related.

Your friend has a very
successful juice business

in Costa Rica.

They call me the Fruit King.

They must have seen the outfit.
I'll tell you what.

I got a little thing this
morning at the office.

Why don't we meet
back here at 1:00

for a little best-friend catch-up?
Deal?

Deal. Sounds good.

You know
what doesn't sound good?

One grown man calling another
grown man his best friend.

She doesn't get us. See you, buddy.

What is that?

Crostini with edamame puree.

Pepper says anyone who's
still doing tomato-basil

missed the boat, or should have.

Hey, Lionel, you don't have to eat

that stuff they brought for you.

We... We won't tell. Ch...
Pop a Cheeto. Be a kid.

But the guys went to the trouble

of making Rosa make this for me.

I should finish it.

Hey, Lionel, heads up. Catch.

No, thank you.

Pepper and Ronaldo don't allow
ball play in the house.

Well, you aren't at Pepper
and Ronaldo's house.

This is a fun house. So...

Yeah, that's what they call it.

Well, now I feel like
throwing something,

so, hey, Lionel, heads up. Catch.

[VASE SHATTERS]

Uh, I'm sorry.

I told Pepper I couldn't
move my arms in this jacket,

but he said, "Fit over function."

- No, you know what? I-It's fine.
- It's fine.

- Things break.
- I'll pay for it.

No, you won't.
We got it for free

when we opened a credit
card at the gas station.

I insist. I have traveler's
checks in my bag.

No, Lionel, it's f... okay.

No, you know what,
this is upsetting me.

He dresses the way they
tell him to dress.

He eats what they tell him to eat.

I know. They control his every move,

and he clearly feels pressured
to go along with it.

That's probably why
he keeps telling me

how lucky I am to live here.

He said that? Wh...
Why didn't you tell us?

You guys don't leave
a lot of space

- to jump into your conversat...
- You know what this is, Cam?

He's obviously jealous of Lily

because we allow her to
be a kid and have fun.

Imagine how jealous he'll be

when he finds out about my
horseback-riding lessons.

- Let it go.
- We're not doing that.

You know what
I'm in the mood for?

And I know it sounds
crazy, but waffles.

What the hell?

You're right.
You keep me from flying too high.

"Happy early birthday, Mom.

"Love, Alex and Ben."
Oh, my God.

I know. Your birthday
isn't for six months.

No, Phil!

Oh.

- Ew.
- Mm.

Hey, guys.
Cool painting. Who did it?

[SIGHS] Alex and Ben.

Oh, I think I heard them
making it last night.

She kept saying he was doing it wrong,

but it looks good to me.

I mean, I don't know
anything about art,

but... I know what I like.

- [CRUNCHES]
- Oh.

I make one comment about Ben's mommy,

and Alex does this.

It's aggressive.

I remember when she made a
turkey with her handprint.

She's just trying to get
some sort of reaction

out of me, isn't she?

But you're not gonna
take the bait, right?

- You're bigger than that.
- I don't know, Phil.

This is... This is very disrespectful.

I think she needs to
be taken down a peg.

So then, you'll just sit her
down and talk to her, right?

I could do that,

maybe over
dinner with her and Ben...

There you go.
I'm proud of you.

A dinner no one will soon forget.

Fine.

But know that I'm having a waffle.

This is what you're
doing to our family!

[SIREN WAILING]

JAY: Stop.

You know the rules. Helmet.

- Off with you.
- [SIREN WAILING]

GLORIA: Shorty, you're kidding.

I never joke when it comes to fruit.

That miracle in your hand is
a half plum, half apricot.

There was a time they could
only accomplish that in juice.

- Oh.
- Jay. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, sorry, I kind of
lost track of time.

Hey, no worries.

Who among us hasn't blown
off his best friend

he hasn't seen in four years
to go fruit shopping?

Sounds like somebody could
use a Pomegrapefruit Blast.

Blast means "yogurt."

You've been spending too
much time in the jungle.

What you need is a
little civilization.

Let's go bowling.

Well, I would love to, but, uh...

I kind of want to take a nap
before we got to the theater.

[CHUCKLES]

Um, you're taking
Shorty to the theater?

Ah, yes.
I got the tickets for me and Manny,

but he can't go and
Shorty loves "Wicked."

He thinks he's a Galinda and
his brother an Elphaba.

You know what you're doing, don't you?

You're turning Shorty into Manny.

Stop hogging my best friend!

Okay, if you're so upset,
then you can take him.

But stop saying "best friend."

You're too old to be using that word.

Hannah from Montana has a best friend.

- You don't.
- At least my best friend isn't my son.

[ENGINE REVS]

I'm your best friend, Mom?

Yes, Papi.

You are the son that
he's talking about.

Look, if he said Lily's
lucky to be here,

then he's clearly unhappy
at Pepper and Ronaldo's.

I mean,
w-what kid wouldn't be?

I mean, that house is so sterile.

Do you remember when
Pepper got made at me

and he laid down plastic

before throwing a drink in my face?

So then,
we have to say something.

- [SIGHS]
- I mean, we're their friends.

We're experienced parents.

There's... There's still
time for them to change.

No, it's not our place.

Let's just, you know, stay out of it.

- [DOOR OPENS]
- They keep their door unlocked?

That's the upside of not having
anything worth stealing.

- You're terrible parents.
- [PEPPER GASPS]

Okay, so, I guess we
are saying something.

All right.

Time for some tough love, boys.

Oh, goodness, we feared you two

might be into that sort of thing,

but we're gonna have to pass.

Oh, you can't possibly think
that's what he meant.

No, I'm deflecting!

I feel the sickening
threat of brutal honesty,

- And I'm wildly uncomfortable.
- And I'm wildly uncomfortable.

Okay, well, here goes.

We think it's great
that you adopted Lionel, but...

- [BOTH GASP]
- [BOTH GASP]

Okay, a little early for that reaction.

- I haven't even gotten to say,
- I haven't even gotten to say,

"Stop imposing your fancy ways
on that poor child."

- And hit it.
- [BOTH GASP]

Look, we have been at this
parenting thing

For a while now, and...

[SARCASTICALLY]
Yeah, and Lily is such a delight!

[SIGHS]

Sorry,
I'm gonna be lashing out for a bit.

Anyway, um, part of parenting

is exposing your children
to things that you value.

You know,
art and culture and good food...

That's exactly what we're doing.

But it's also about letting them
figure out who they are,

doing things that they want to do

even though you don't like 'em.

- Yeah, he's a kid.
- Yeah, he's a kid.

He doesn't want opera at bedtime
and caviar on his eggs.

He... He wants to play
ball and eat Cheetos.

Well, I did see him spit
some sashimi into a napkin,

But I hoped he was just worried about his weight.

You know what,
let's get outside.

Let's go do something fun
and show Lionel

That it... that it's okay
to be a kid with you guys.

What do you say? - Yeah.

- Get in there.
- It's fine.

Okay.

[SNIFFS]
[CRUNCHES]

[SPITS]

[COUGHS] And from what fromagerie...

- You're from Lubbock, Texas.
- [ GASPS] You son of a bitch!

PEPPER: Oh, I can't believe
no one told me

Kickball is performed on grass

I can barely stand
Shakespeare in a park.

This is not great for your people.

Okay, Lionel, bring me home.

You got this.

Yes, I do, sir. - [CLAPPING]

MITCHELL: All right.

Yeah!

- Oh, my God, what is happening?
- Hit him!

- Pepper, hit him!
- Oh!

Hit Cam!

Oh, my...!

You can't possibly think
that's what he meant.

Oh! Give me that.

MITCHELL: Okay.

I was skeptical at first

because orange is so over
right now,

But I love it.

You like it, too, Pepper?

Mm, wonderful.

I haven't seen this much
artificial color

since Ted Turner
got his hands on "Casablanca."

Your grandparents grew up
in a trailer.

I hate you.

- All right, who's up next?
- All right, who's up next?

- Pepper!
- Pepper!

Oh. How many scenes
does kickball have?

You can do it, Peppercito!

Remember, it's just like dancing.

Dancing.

And five, six, seven, eight, kick!

Oh! Pepper!

Ohh! Oh, I'm hurt!

I'm really hurt!

Oh, if you two had any
money, I'd sue you.

RONALDO: Mi amor, it's okay.

[SCOFFS] It's not okay.

I'm out in the wild,
schvitzing like a line cook.

It's one humiliation after the next!

Lionel, sweetheart, I want
to be the father you need,

but this is not me.

I hate sports and nature
and... and sherbet...

God, do I hate sherbet!

There's ice cream and sorbet
and nothing in between.

Just so you know, I don't
care about kickball

or Popsicles or any of that stuff.

I like how we live.

You do?

Lionel, don't feel pressured to
say that if you don't mean it.

I mean it.

Backgammon in the study,
cheese from France,

not a cheetah in sunglasses.

Lionel, you're melting my heart.

Mine, too, you perfect boy.

What made you think I
didn't like our life?

Well, now, see... [STAMMERS]

They were forcing you to,
and it just seemed to us...

It seemed to us...

You told Lily that she was
lucky to live with us.

- Remember?
- I was trying to make her feel better.

I got so much, and she got...

They give her haircuts at home.

[GASPS]
Okay, I took a class.

They wouldn't even let her
take horseback-riding lessons.

- Because it's dangerous.
- Because it's dangerous.

Or is it because
you have to drive me

across town at 7:00 A.M.?

I thought good parents

were supposed to do things
their kids want to do?

Okay, well, it's not not dangerous,

and she's also too young, so...

Cam, come on.
The jig's up.

Yes, Lily, we were...
we were being selfish, okay?

You can have your lessons.

Thank you.

Can I take horseback-riding
lessons with her, too?

Anything you want.

You can swing by and
pick him up on your way.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, there.

Hi, honey. How are you?

Mwah! Good.

- Well, you seem less scary.
- [LAUGHS]

Does this mean we're gonna
have a nice, pleasant dinner

with our daughter and her boyfriend?

He give me a little credit.

I worked so hard all day

just to make sure I
got everything ready.

Oh, come on!

You have got to be kidding me.

Well, it turns out Speedy Frame
really lives up to its name.

ALEX: We're here!

Claire, I got you a bottle of pi...
No! [PINOT]

Oh, good, you got our gift.

You gave it to them?

Don't freak out, babe.
That's exactly what she wants.

Wow, Mom,
I really love it there.

Me, too.

Sex painting on the wall
means Alex was in her head.

And I wasn't planning on
leaving anytime soon.

I don't know where that came from.

More green beans?

Oh, yes. Don't mind if I do.

I have to admit,
I feel slightly uncomfortable.

Well, it's getting late.

It's 7:30.

So, Dad, how's work?

No. We're not gonna
sit here and pretend.

We're going to talk about this.

Your father's right.

When I saw that painting, I thought...

you're too restrained.

- You two need to loosen up a little.
- That's not what I meant.

Oh, no, no, no.

I appreciate the advice,
and that should be an easy fix

now that I've come into my own
with such a virile partner.

[LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY] Oh, my God.

Okay, that is enough!

Look what you're doing
to this poor man,

putting him in the middle of
this twisted power struggle

between the two of you!

This is exactly what you and
your dad always did to me.

What are you talking about?

The first time I met your dad,

who did not approve me,
you kept kissing me.

Or the first time we went
away with your family

to that cabin and you
made all those noises.

Th-That wasn't about that.

Then where did those
noises go, Claire?

I will not stand here while
you tear poor Ben down

the way that Jay tore me down,

and, Ben, were you blue or gold?

- I need to know.
- I was blue.

I wanted to feel like an Avatar.

Ben, I'm sorry.

Phil and Alex are right.

You don't deserve to
be treated this way.

- Thank you, Claire. You know, I...
- Not finished.

- I am doing to you...
- BEN: Oh.

Exactly what my father
did to me and Phil.

No one was good enough for
his little girl, and...

And I suppose nobody's
good enough for mine.

But, honey, I've been
where you are right now,

and I'm the last person

who should be making
it harder for you.

I'm... I'm so sorry.

And I'm sorry I left the sex
painting for you to find.

If it makes you feel any better,

we faked it.

Ben was so freaked out,
he couldn't perform.

Doesn't make me feel any better.

That helps a lot.

BOTH: ♪ I do believe I have
been changed for the better ♪

I still don't understand
why she's green.

ELPHABA: ♪ Because I knew you ♪

GALINDA: ♪ Because I knew you ♪

♪ Because I knew you ♪

♪ I have been cha-a-a-a-a-nged ♪

[VOICE BREAKING] They
used to be so close.

- You okay?
- ♪ For good ♪

- What happened to them?
- I don't know.

I-I dozed off for a couple of minutes.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

I'm sorry. Excuse me.

Damn it.

I should've sent Gloria.

[SHORTY SOBBING]

Hey, fella.

What happened in there?

I'm a fraud, Jay.

I'm a damn fraud.

Come on. We all cry at weird stuff.

For me, it's when boxers
hug after a fight.

It's not the crying I'm worried about.

You were right.

You said I would lose everything
if I went to Costa Rica,

- and I did.
- What are you talking about?

I-I-I thought you were
a big juice magnate.

Lies! It's all lies, Jay!

I'm not no juice magnate.

I had a juice stand, and
things were okay...

until these monkeys got
a hold of my knives.

The lawyer says I can't talk about it.

Then Darlene takes off with
this honcho in zip lines

and leaves me.

That's why I've been avoiding you.

I'm a disgusting loser!

Who are you talking to?

You don't need to be embarrassed.

But you said, "Don't
come crying to me"

when it all turns to hell

"and I have to pick up the pieces."

- You said that!
- It's just what you say.

Of course I'm gonna
pick up the pieces.

What else would I do?

- You're my best friend.
- [APPLAUSE]

And you're my best friend, damn it.
Come on.

I'm better because I knew you.

Best friends forever.

Yeah, Gloria's right.
I... I hear it now.

Manny, open the door. I
know you're in there.

Mom, what are you doing here?

I know that you said that
you wanted your space,

but it's so hard on me, okay?

So I want a text message

at the end of every day
telling me that you're okay,

and three times a week,
a picture of your face

so that I can look into your eyes

and see if you're lying to me.

Mother, we texted yesterday morning.

No, we didn't. That was days ago.

Yesterday, at 8:37 A.M.,

you asked if I got your
care package and said,

"Don't tell Jay
I gave you a sausage,"

then you accidentally hit voice memo

and I heard you tell Stella
to go in the yard and die.

I'm sorry.

I just miss you.

I guess it's not so terrible

if you stop on by every now and then.