All language subtitles for My Family - S06E01 - Bliss For Idiots.ton

Who invented Christmas, anyway?

The sparkly lights, the happy carolers,
the rosy-cheeked children, God!

Where's my spit bowl?

It's Christmas!

- Oh, my God.
- Ho, ho, ho, Ben!

Go, go, go, Roger!

Don't be such a grumpy old Scrooge.

For your information, Scrooge was very much
the misunderstood hero of that book.

Until the end, when Dickens copped out
and made him nice.

- You're like this every year.
- I believe in tradition.

- Why are you dressed like that?
- I'm going carolling with the accountants.

I didn't know accountants celebrated Christmas.

Want to come with us?
We still need a good countertenor.

(High) Oooh... no.

- Don't you have patients?
- I've closed the surgery early for Christmas.

Are you totally insane?
This our busiest time of the year,

all the cracked teeth from the nuts, the smashed
mouths from the office party punch-ups.

Yes, this is the dentist's season to be jolly.

Oh, bah humbug!

Don't you ever do that again.

Christmas isn't just about making money,
Mr Scroogey.

If I wanted something pointless
hanging in my surgery, Roger, I'd use you.

- I see.
- Don't give me the puppy eyes.

You knew I was evil
when you took the surgery upstairs.

- Touché.
- Roger...

I know you mean well, but I just want to be
left alone this Christmas and just coast through.

I'm still recovering
from all the mirth of last year.

So when you see me out in the hall, don't
"ho, ho, ho" me or "ding, dong merrily" me.

Can I "good King Wenceslas" you?

(Circus music playing, laughter)

Susan! I thought we had a deal you'd warn me
when the in-laws were coming.

- Susan!
- Oh! I'm glad you're here.

I'd like to introduce
you to Cheerful Charlie Chortle...

- Hello! (Chortles)
...Uncle Morris, and The Amazing Beppo.

Well, if they're here, who's running the country?

- (Electricity crackling)
- (Clown chortling)

Why do you guys always do that?
What is it, some sort of clown law?

Susan, could I have a word with you, please?

- It can be said in front of my clowns.
- Now.

All right. Take five, boys.

Lovely juggling.

(Crashing and banging)

- What is going on?
- I'm auditioning clowns.

Do you want to be considered? We're going to
celebrate Kenzo's birthday on Christmas Eve.

- What?
- I want to make sure it's special

because it always gets overshadowed
by Christmas.

Well, that's a good thing!
That way we just buy him the one present.

Conceiving illegitimately in March
was the best thing Janey ever did.

At the moment,
I'm leaning towards Uncle Morris.

- Which one was he?
- Blue hat, big feet, red nose.

Loved him, yep. But he reeked of booze.

- It's not booze, Ben, it's meths.
- Meths! Oh, kids love meths.

He does fire-eating, Ben.

Do you like your kids medium rare
or extra crispy?

Oh, so now you start to care about children.

You know, it seems like only yesterday
when it was Janey's third birthday.

When in fact it was
tens of thousands of pounds ago.

Can't we knock Kenzo out with cough medicine
and tell him he had a party?

Why don't I just give you some cough medicine
and tell you you had a wife.

Listen, Ben, we're going to have this party and
it's going to be wonderful, even if you're there.

Will you excuse me?
I have three clowns waiting.

(Whistles whizzing, clowns chortling)

I'm sorry, once we've decided which one's right
we'll let you know.

Ignore him, Mum.

It's all right, Susan, I'm used to Ben's cruelty
masquerading as wit.

By the way, you have three old boyfriends
in the living room.

Ha-ha! Very good, Gracey.

Always leave on a good one.
See you sometime in the New Year.

You know my mother's staying for Christmas.

Then why is she dressed for Halloween?

(Cackles)

Now, who wants a gin and tonic? I do!

We're out of gin. The refineries haven't
caught up since your last visit.

Maybe I'll take my broomstick
up to that charming little corner shop.

- You mean the off-licence?
- Is it?

I hadn't noticed.

- Don't even think of locking that door.
- No, I was thinking of bricking it up.

Oh, Ben, the poor woman's all alone.

All her friends have died. Even her cat ran away.

Yeah, yeah, and made you feel guilty.

Yep. Look, my mother's like a horror film.

If we don't stick together,
she'll pick us off, one at a time.

OK, I'm gonna have a nap.
With any luck, I won't wake up.

- Don't look for your presents.
- Presents? What do you mean?

- I thought we weren't gonna do presents.
- It's just something small.

God.

God, take me now.

(Growls)

Oh, yes.

Yeah. I'm not taking my shoes off, Susan, OK?

Just take that, baby. Just take...

OK, I'll take one off.

OK.

(Childishly) I wonder where the presents are.

(Cackles)

She's so predictable.

Hello, presents.

Yes, I wonder what socks I'm gonna have
to pretend to like this year.

That'll be Janey.

No, that's Michael.

Something small, she said. Something small...

L1200?

All I got her was an ironing board cover.

Maybe it's not for me.

Ooh, whoo, hoo-whoo.

"To the man who rocks my world."

It's for me. It is for...

Oh, my God.

- (Knock on door)
- Come in.

- Mi...
- What do you think, Dad?

Do you do hen nights?

- I'm a postman.
- Ah.

It's my Christmas job,
the one you forced me to get.

I... I did that? Oh.

Well, I am a good parent.

Michael... erm... little problem.

Little problem.

Tiny disparity between what I've spent
on your mother's present

- and what she's spent on mine.
- How tiny?

1197 pounds and 53 pence.

- You didn't get her a tea towel again?
- It was tea towels, Michael. Tea towels.

So what did you get her?
An ironing board cover? (Laughs)

Look, it doesn't matter what it is...

And without that cover, that ironing board
would get burned, and burned very badly.

Now, what do you think she'd want instead?
I mean, you talk to her and stuff.

- Well, how about an Xbox?
- Nah.

She doesn't get off on those kind of films.
God knows I've tried.

That's the sort of thought
you should keep inside your head.

Yeah. Come on, Michael, help me. What can I
give your mother that she'd really want?

- Well...
- And don't say her freedom.

Well, in that case, I have nothing.

You shouldn't mix the grape with the grain.

They do in muesli.

You've put that ring of mine away safely,
haven't you, Susan?

Yes.

Are you sure you want to give a man
you've just met an expensive present like that?

Yes. I want to hang on to him.

The sex is fantastic.

Mother, please, I intend to eat sometime today.

No, no, no, this is getting good.

Grandma, have you got yourself a toy boy?

(Laughs) He's somewhat younger than me, yes.

Yoda is younger than you.

Just popping out, OK?
Just a little late Christmas shopping.

Dad, have you heard?
Gran's got herself a toy boy?

Really? Is his guide dog nice?

(Laughs) You can ask him yourself.
I've invited him for Christmas dinner.

Ben, start the car.

Janey, we have to talk about Kenzo's party.

Why do you always have to take control
of everything?

Oh, I'm sorry, dear, I didn't mean to do that.

- What was your plan for the party?
- Erm...

Your plan sounds good, let's go with that.

You know the only reason she's doing this
is because she forgot your third birthday.

- Mother!
- You forgot my third birthday?

I had three children under five. You were lucky
I remembered to bring you in at night.

I never forgot your birthday.

That's only because it coincided
with the Munich beer festival.

Kenzo's having a party that no one will forget.

Well, does anyone want a gin and tonic? I do.

Now, Janey, what are we going to do
about Kenzo's father?

Shall I invite him or do you want to?

- But you don't know who he is.
- You'd better do it, then.

Change the record, Mum.

But it's important Kenzo has a father figure
to help guide him through life.

- Well, I managed without one.
- (Laughs) Good one, Janey.

Remember that for when Ben gets back.

Mother, the hospital called. Your liver's ready.

Please, Janey, for me.

OK, but here's the deal -

if I invite him you have to promise not to make
a big thing of it and never mention it again.

Of course, darling.

Thank you.

You really forgot my third birthday?

And she left you out when it rained too.

I've booked a bouncy castle, a fireworks display,

chocolate-bubble blower, two face painters,

Czechoslovakian puppet show.
Do you think that's enough?

What, no fly-past by the Red Arrows?

No Cossack dancers, no skydiving bears?

- They have skydiving bears?
- Ooh, yeah, big...

Susan, why are you making such a big deal
about this party?

Third birthdays are very important to children.

Janey's third birthday
is going to be the best one ever.

- You mean Kenzo.
- I said Kenzo.

You didn't, you just said...

OK, OK, fine.

I mean, just keep it under six figures,
because I can't afford all this and get you...

- Get me what?
- Er, nothing, nothing.

How much do you like ironing?

Just a quick question.

Good God! No wonder Charlie Chortle's chortling.

Look how much Charlie Chortle's charging.

We're not having Charlie Chortle.
He's having gall bladder surgery.

Can't the kids watch that?
It'll be cheaper and funnier.

Anyway, all of this is immaterial.
I've managed to get shingles.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry. So the party's off, is it?

Shingles is a clown, the most sought-after
children's entertainer in the country.

We were lucky there was a cancellation.

Was Psoriasis the clown booked?

Ben, if you're flinging jellies and custard pies,
you want to be in safe hands.

Good God. Well, who's doing the fireworks?

My mother.

(Chuckles)

Well, you know, Tweed and alcohol
are a very combustible mix.

I told you I thought of everything.

OK.

Oh, higher, Ben. The fairy goes on the top.

Yes, I know where to stick the fairy.

I also know where I would like to stick the fairy.

Can't believe this was the best tree they had.
It's all dried out and it's drooping at the bottom.

Are you sure you're looking at the tree?

That's it, I'm killing her.
No court will convict me.

Phoo, what is that sickly smell?

It smells like Elton John's exploded in here.

Morning, sir, madam. Try a free sample?

Mmm.

Caravanserai.

An insouciant fragrance from
the blazing sands of the Samarkand,

guaranteed to inflame the passion
of your favourite sheikh.

- (Ben coughs)
- This job is only for two weeks, isn't it?

What with you and my mother here
I'm afraid to light a match.

How does my make-up look?
They're very strict about presentation.

It looks lovely, dear.

That reminds me, I need to confirm the clown.

I didn't put mascara on.

- Trowel's in the garage.
- (Doorbell)

Anybody want an aspirin? I do.

Why don't you swallow the whole bottle,
you bat?

- (Welsh accent) Mrs Harper?
- Yes.

I'm Alfie Butts.

That's with two Ts, the second T is silent.

That's my icebreaker.

Anyway, I'm a friend of Nick's...

Ah! Nick alert.

Just because you haven't any friends.

Sorry, Alfie. Nick isn't here, I'm afraid.

Yes, I know that. Erm...

- Didn't he call?
- No.

OK. Well, erm... I won't take any more
of your time, then.

- OK. Don't be a stranger.
- No, wait.

Come in, Alfie. You look frozen.

Oh, no, I'm not cold,
I'm just a bit shaken up, really.

I'm not used to London ways, you see,
and as I was getting off the coach,

I got rather drawn into a game
of three-card brag on the street.

- Oh dear. Did you lose much?
- No. It's quite simple

once you've sussed out the mathematical
probabilities.

- I won a thousand pounds.
- A thousand quid? Take a seat, Alfie.

- Then they beat me up and took it back.
- Been nice knowing you,

whatever your name is.

- You must be Mr Harper.
- Yes.

Nick's told me all about you.

I thought he was exaggerating.

- Sit down. Stay there.
- No, Susan...

- Susan...
- We can't just turn him away.

Think about it. Alfie is like the Christmas
traveller looking for shelter. Remember?

- Yes.
- Mary, Joseph and the stable.

Oh, yes, of course. Maybe it's hindsight,

but then no one was worried Mary and Joseph
were gonna nick their video.

I mean, how do we really know
he's a friend of Nick's?

Well, look at him.

I'm looking.

He looks like Keith Richard and
Wurzel Gummidge had a love child.

Alfie, how do you know Nick?

Er, we met when he was camping out
in our field waiting for Glastonbury to start.

Unfortunately our field is a hundred miles
from Glastonbury.

And it was winter.

He rolled around in the mud all the same.

He would, yeah.
He knows Nick. So what does that prove?

Ooh, I almost forgot. There's something
Nick wanted me to give you. Hang on.

(Gasps) Wow! Wow!

An original Dinky fire engine.

Oh, that is my favourite.

Oh, I always wanted one of these when I was
a kid. I'd save up my pocket money to buy it.

That's my favourite too.
My dad gave me that when I was four.

- Ah, what a sweet story.
- What about my story? My story was sweet.

- Oh, here it is.
- Oh, I love Christmas presents.

Yes, lovely, and what's Nick sent us?

Yes, his crusty socks. Yes, he does care.

And, er, here's the address to send it back to.

No starch, non-bio.

- Alfie, let me show you to Nick's room.
- No, Susan!

- He's staying.
- He... he's staying. OK.

Thank you, Mrs Harper.

Sorry. Forgive me for being so forward
but where I'm from we're big huggers.

- What?
- Huggers.

OK.

It's how we keep warm.

OK, still got my wallet.

- Let me show you to your room.
- Oh, no need.

Nick's described this house to me in so much
detail I know it like the back of my hand

- That's the kitchen.
- Eh?

Don't worry, Nick used to do that as well.

Ooh.

Thank you.

(Susan) Oh.

(Shrieks) Nosferatu.

Oh, no. Hello, Grace.

Sorry, Grace, much as it pains me,
I need to ask for your help.

You want me to feed the hose through the car
window while you start the engine?

Yes.

Let's save something for the New Year,
shall we, Grace?

I was just hoping you might have a suggestion
for Susan's Christmas present.

A divorce?

Wasn't thinking of spending that much.

(Roger) # Don we now our gay apparel

♪ Fa la la, la la la, la la la

♪ As we sing this yuletide carol

♪ Fa la la la la, la la, la...

- Stop!
- #... la #

Sorry, Ben. What are you doing
here in the dark?

I thought I'd give you one last chance
to go carolling.

I'd rather take my eyelids off
and face the sun, Roger.

I won't have you being down at Christmas.
Now, what can I do to make you feel better?

How about Russian roulette? You start.

All right, all right, all right, you can help.

- I can?
- Yes, I, er...

I just happened to be rummaging
through Susan's cupboard

and, erm, accidentally kind of, you know,

came across what she bought me for Christmas.

(Shrieks) You're not supposed to do that.

Every time someone spoils a Christmas surprise
an elf dies.

Yes, well, every time a wife doesn't get
an equally expensive present a dentist dies.

Well, you... What would she want?

Well, you know, Ben...

women will send out certain signals.

Yep.

I can't afford this, Roger.

Kenzo's party's bleeding me dry.

And Susan's got Shingles.

(Gasps) Shingles?

Shingles the clown? Only the most
sought-after clown in the country.

Isn't it amazing? Only you would know that.

Oh, Ben, money spent on a clown is never
wasted. It's a vastly underrated art form.

Clowns, elves... Where do you live, Roger?
In a hollow tree?

Oh, clowning's a bit of a passion of mine.

Watch this. Hm?

(Laughs)

Hup. Ha!

Hoop. Ha!

- Hoop!
- (Soft thud)

Oh, that's great, Roger. Mrs Green's gonna be
sucking her turkey through a straw this year.

- I'm sorry. I'm a little clumsy.
- What?

Yes! Little Clumsy the clown.

What?

Nothing.

Mrs Green's in luck.

Ooh.

Oh. Sorry.

According to Nick's directions,
this is the bathroom.

But you're Michael, right?

Er, whoa.

In this family, we don't go in
for displays of affection.

Or affection. You must be Alfie.

- How are you finding us?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Your family seem so nice.
- Give them time.

So, you're, er... you're a postman.

Temporarily. The hours are killing me.
I have to get up at four in the morning.

As late as that?
Back on the farm, we'd just be finishing lunch.

I'm... I'm looking for a job myself.

Just until I make a dent
in the coalface of the music industry.

- Might be able to put something your way.
- Oh, great.

Well, I just hate being idle. I don't care what is.

Then I can definitely put something your way.

Try this on.

- Oh, really? Could I?
- Oh, yeah.

Let me tell you, the chicks go crazy
for the uniform.

Well, the ones that are up.

(Tuts) Oh, no. I've just wrapped Kenzo's
birthday present in Christmas paper.

What? This isn't all for Kenzo?

Ben, we have to give our grandson
a few little trinkets.

An 800-quid party is a pretty big trinket.

Kids today.

The only entertainment I had at my parties
was my Uncle Cecil taking his eye out.

I'd blow out the candle,
the other kid'd go home.

- You know what I really wish I had?
- No, what? What, what, what?

- A video camera.
- A video camera?

I suggested using one of those
at our anniversary

but you were afraid
the kids might find the tape.

- I meant for Kenzo's party.
- Yeah.

Anyway, it wasn't the videoing
that put me off that idea.

It was the leather shorts and the sour cream.

It was creme fraiche.

- It's down the hall.
- Second left.

Thank you.

OK, OK, video camera it is.

Signal sent, signal received.

Oh! And I've got Janey to invite Kenzo's father.

What? Is that a good idea?
I mean, how much is he gonna eat?

Ben, I want Kenzo to have a good male
role model before he gets to know you too well.

- (Doorbell)
- Who can that be at this time of night?

It'll be carol singers.

Scum.

Scrooge.

Hello, Ben!

It's me! Roger!

- (Sings circus music, honks horn)
- Roger, Roger...

- Shut up! Shut up! Roger, please!
- (Singing and honking)

- Please, Roger! Roger!
- (Honking)

Shut up.

- (Honk)
- Shu...

- Susan's upstairs, OK?
- Oh.

I'm sorry, Ben, I just put the costume on
and I got carried away!

- Ah.
- What do you think of the name Dento?

Dento the clown. Dento, like dentist, see?

I don't want Dento, I don't need Dento.

I hired you to be Shingles.

Don't you think Susan will take one look at me
and realise I'm not Shingles?

No, because all clowns look alike.

Ben, that is racist.

It... It's not.

OK, then, it's clownist.

- Get out, Roger.
- Smell my flower, Ben.

- (Susan) Who is it, Ben?
- It's all right, it's just carol singers.

I'm putting the hose on them.

Just get out.

- (Electricity crackling)
- Ah-ah-ah.

- Stop it, stop it!
- (Crackling stops)

Just get... get out.

(Yelps)

How do they drive in those shoes?

(Honk)

Makeover, madam?

Perk up your face for Christmas, you look rough.

Make you look 40 again.

- I'm 37.
- Come on, it's just us girls.

Excuse me, sir. How about some bronzer
and hair highlights?

Lose that "just left prison" look.

Well, I didn't know. Just an expression.

Look, I haven't got change.

I warned you once.

Repulsion, the new fragrance

- from the Roman Polanski collection.
- Abi...

- Ah, eye... eyes, eyes, eyes.
- Oh, Ben!

I mean, sir, can I interest you
in a five-minute facial?

You'd be out of here in 20 minutes.

No, no, you can interest me
in your staff discount card, Abi.

I've got to buy Susan a video camera.

And would Susan be your wife or partner, sir?

Wife, partner, nemesis, let's not quibble.

- OK, give me the card.
- Only if you help me out first.

Come on, Ben, I'm supposed to do
three makeovers an hour.

I haven't done one since that tall Taiwanese
woman with the big Adam's apple.

Are you seriously insane? I haven't got time.
Give me the card.

All right. All right, too bad.

That was a 20 per cent discount card. Oh, yeah.

OK, OK, OK. Damn you beauticians.

(# Strumming on guitar)

(Alfie) # Blues

♪ Got the old bull castration blues

♪ I'm going down

♪ Into my bull castration shoes

♪ I'm a bullish kind of lover

♪ I just never got enough
until the mean old farmer man...

Lord!

♪ He cut away my stuff ♪

Alfie, that's got Christmas number one
written all over it.

Oh, no, I'm not into chart success per se,

I... I've got to stay focused.

That's where a lot of artists go wrong, you see.

Oh, can I lick the spoon?

Nick used to lick the spoon.

And he will again, Mrs Harper.

Sweet of you to say so.

There. Finished.

I'd like to see Nigella make a cake
without butter, eggs or sugar.

Who's Ken 20?

That's... It's... That's Kenzo.

It's Kenzo, it's Janey's little boy.

Ah, yeah.

Do you want to lick the bowl as well?

Well, I've only been here a day,
I don't want to appear over-familiar.

Hey, Mum. How's it going?

Can I help?

Who's Ken 20?

It's Kenzo. Kenzo.

- Your little boy.
- Ah.

- Is that My Little Pony?
- Yes.

- Brings back memories, doesn't it?
- Not for Kenzo, it doesn't.

I mean, he doesn't know who My Little Pony is.
And it's for girls, Mum.

- I thought you might like it.
- I liked it when I was three.

Look, Mum, I really don't mind that you missed
my third birthday.

But, if you feel really guilty about it,

you could give me, oh, I don't know, L100?

I don't feel guilty.

Oh, look, and just turn the pony into a dragon,
or something violent, anyway.

It is my son we're talking about.

When will that girl let it go?

You really did make this without sugar.
Amazing.

"Have a facial peel," she said.

"It'll take five minutes," she said.

Look at me, I look like the last Scotsman
out of the pub on Burns Night.

I like it, Ben.

Gives the room a warm, Christmassy glow.

No more comments from you, OK?
No more.

If I didn't love you so much...

I wouldn't look like this.

Now, excuse me.

Oh, God, that's better.

There's no booze in there, I've already looked.

Susan, darling, I've been thinking.

Because of Kenzo's birthday party,

I'm going to give you
your Christmas present early.

- Oh, thank you, Mum.
- It's a video camera.

Oh, no.

(# Silent Night on guitar)

I can't believe this Christmas.

I've got the mother-in-law, the creature
that time forgot in the bedroom upstairs.

I've got a face like a Swan Vesta.

I'm hosting a kids' party that costs more
than the gross national product of Chad.

I've got two non-returnable Christmas presents.

One of which is an ironing board cover.

That's L3 I'm never gonna see again.

And on top of all that, I still don't know
what to get Susan for Christmas.

Shut up.

Well, if I know Mrs Harper
as well as I think I do...

Alfie, please, you've been here one day.

Fair enough. What do you think she'd like?

Well, she's passionate
about music, literature and art.

Particularly the Pre-Raphaelites,

which she studied during her first year
at Newcastle University.

Susan went to university?

Oh, yeah, yeah, she... Right.

But her current passion is the Bloomsbury set.

I can't afford the whole set.
Can I just get the knickers?

No, no, no, no.

- The Bloomsbury set is...
- Set...

Never mind.

- Just get her a book. A first edition.
- A book.

- Perhaps Mrs Dalloway.
- Yeah.

Yeah, Mrs Dalloway, great.
She'd like that. She'd love that.

It's by Virginia Woolf.

Yeah, I knew that.

- I'll write it down for you.
- Yeah, OK. Print it. Print it.

Michael, can you give me
some help with this, please?

(Squeaky) People of earth,
you have no reason to fear us.

Leave the helium, it's for the balloons.

While you toy with your primitive decorations,
our spaceships are massing.

- Hello, Mum.
- Where is Shingles?

He was supposed to be here
an hour ago to set up.

Well, you know what these clown cars are like,

he probably has to keep stopping
to pick up his doors.

Michael, I love you but I don't like you.

Mum, just calm down.

No, you're right, you're right.

Deep breaths, deep breaths.

- (Squeaky) Jellies! Jellies, jellies...
- (Doorbell)

- Hello.
- Hi, Alfie.

How's my job going?

Ooh, you got paid today.
Erm, here's your payslip.

Oh.

Cheers. As soon as this clears,
I'll give you your third.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
It's your job, it's your money.

- Anyway, I'm just happy to keep busy.
- Well, if you're sure.

Oh, aye. Besides, I earned nearly three times
that in Christmas tips this week.

And it's tax free.

Alfie!

Alfie!

Here.

- I've got it.
- (Squeaky) Oh, I'm so pleased.

(Clears throat) Got what?

Mrs Dalloway. First edition. L1200.

1200 quid!

Are you sure Susan's gonna realise
how much it cost?

Oh, I'm sure Mrs Harper is astute enough
to recognise the value of a first edition.

I'll leave the receipt in
just to hammer it home, yeah?

(Children shouting and laughing)

Gracey. I'm coming to get you.

- That's your mother's toy boy.
- He's three months younger than her.

In their crowd, that makes her Demi Moore.

Isn't it wonderful, Ben?
The kids are having so much fun.

You'd have fun if you were a kid destroying
a house a man had worked his life for.

- (Doorbell)
- Oh, at long last. Shingles.

Don't expect much.
I'd hate you to be disappointed.

- Why would I be disappointed?
- Because... No reason. It's fine.

- Shoot the kids.
- With pleasure.

Who's next? You wanna be shot?

- You're not a clown.
- No, I'm a doctor.

- Well, what use is that?
- Andrew Barker. Janey invited me.

Oh. Oh, yes, yes, of course. Come in.

Oh.

You must be Kenzo's mother's... friend... person.

Oh, and a doctor.

Janey? Your friend
from three years and nine months ago is here.

She loves it when I'm specific.

And he's a doctor. Thank you.

Ben? Ben?

This is Andrew. (Whispers) He's Kenzo's father.

Finally the toerag has the decency...
Oh, how are you? Nice to meet you.

He's a doctor.

Oh, a doctor? Really?
Couldn't hack it in dental school then?

Actually I'm a neurosurgeon.
It's very challenging work.

Yeah, I'm sure. Yeah, yeah. Well, brains don't
bite you when you're trying to put in a bridge.

You made it. Great.

Ben? Ben? You're wanted in the kitchen.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

The clown's hysterical. And not in a good way.

It's wonderful to meet you at last.

Janey's told me absolutely nothing about you.

- (Doorbell)
- Please let this be Shingles.

- Oh, hello.
- I'm a big boy now.

- So I see.
- I can do a poo by myself.

- Good for you.
- Done one over there.

Perfect.

Ben!

Josh? You made it. Come on in.

Mark? Come on in.

And who are they?

Oh, just er... some more fathers.

That was some night you had.

Come on, Roger! Roger!

- I can't do it. I thought I could but I can't.
- What the hell are you talking about?

I've got stage fright.

It's a room full of kids.
They won't even remember you tomorrow.

That makes it worse somehow.

Clowns. How can something
that brings so much joy bring so much fear?

Listen. You wanna see fear?
You wanna see real fear?

Just watch my face
when Susan comes through that door.

Come on, Roger.
You're funny. You're really funny.

Am I, Abi? Am I really?

Well, not so much when you're being a clown,

but when you're eating and things like that.

Yeah, you're hysterical when you're eating.
Now come on.

Come on. Go out there a second-rate dentist
but come back a first-rate clown.

Please, Roger, please! Go on.

No! No!

- Pull yourself to...
- Not the nose!

Are they still playing hide-and-seek?

I've lost all feeling in my feet.

Here, Alfie. Take your guitar.
Go on, get out there. Entertain the kids.

Sing one of your stupid songs.

I will play, Mr Harper,
because I want the stage time,

but adjectives like "stupid" motivate no one.

OK, OK.

Dutch courage. That's what we need.

- Sure that's a good idea?
- Yup, it's a very good idea.

(Door bangs)

I thought I heard the sound of a bottle opening.

(Sings ballad in Welsh)

Altogether now.

Michael, look. It's the three wise men.

They can't be that wise.
One of them slept with Janey.

Probably all three slept with Janey.

I just wish I knew which one was Kenzo's father.

You know, there's a simple way to find out.

- How? How?
- DNA testing. It's infallible.

They have home DNA testing kits now.
I have one in my room.

What do you have one for?

I regularly check whether
I'm your natural-born son.

Keeps coming up positive but I live in hope.

So do we.

Now. All I'll need is a sample of hair or saliva
from each of the potential victims.

- Plus L100.
- What's that for?

I have to touch hair and saliva.

♪ The wheels on the bus go round and round

(All) We want Shingles.

♪ The wipers on the bus go swish-swish-swish

(All) We want Shingles!

We want Shingles!

♪ The wipers on the bus go swish...

We want Shingles!

♪ The wipers on the bus go...

We want Shingles!

(Horn beeps with each slap)

Can you please stop slapping him?
It's not helping.

It's helping me!

Ben, would you please come out and help me?
One of the kids has demanded to go home.

- Well, let him.
- It's Kenzo.

Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!

Ta-daa!

- What do you mean, "Ta-daa"?
- Ta-daa! It's... It's Shingles!

- Shingles!
- Yes!

- I love you.
- Yeah... OK, OK.

I just didn't know how much clowns drank.
It's all that crying on the inside.

- Why is Roger dressed like that?
- Well, you're gonna laugh at this.

- Or in fact smile wryly.
- What have you done?

You see, Shingles cancelled.

Yes, he did. He cancelled at the last minute

and apparently he had to rush off to entertain...

- The astronauts!
- Astronauts.

Shh.

You cancelled him, Ben, didn't you?
Because you're a mean, mean man.

- She's got a nasty face.
- Shut up.

And I was gonna be his assistant.

- It's a nice costume, Abi.
- It's my swimsuit.

Look at it. Isn't it gorgeous, Susan?
Stunning, isn't it?

And she's sewn the sequins
and the feathers on just for Kenzo.

No, it's always been like this.

Mind you, I did spend a lot of time
at the bottom of the pool.

Listen to me, Ben. I promised these children
Shingles and Shingles they're damn well getting.

You have exactly two minutes
to produce a clown

or I'm going to be using part of your anatomy
to make balloon animals.

OK. Come on, Roger! Come on!

Come on, Roger, Roger, Roger. You heard the
woman. Now come on, Roger! It's showtime!

Showtime!

(Honk)

If Roger's too drunk and incompetent to go on,
then so am I.

♪ Blues

♪ Got the old bull castration blues

♪ I'm going down

♪ Into my bull castration shoes

♪ I'm a bullish kind of lover

♪ I just never got enough

♪ Until the mean old farmer man

Lord!

♪ He cut away my stuff ♪

Thank you.

All right, everybody. Give it up for Shingles.

And his glamorous assistant, Mrs Susan.

(Cheering)

- Hello, boys and girls.
- (All) Hello, Mr Harper!

No, I'm Shingles.

Mr Harper's been taken away
to a maximum security prison.

Good gag, Gracey. Good gag.

- Why is Dad doing this?
- Shingles had to entertain the astronauts.

What?

- (Retching)
- Oh, Roger...

OK. OK, kiddies. I'm gonna make this short
so we can all get out of here.

Who wants to hear a funny story?

(All) Me!

Yeah, right. The boy stood on the burning deck,
it was only one o'clock...

Ben! I mean, Shingles...

It's all right. I was gonna clean it up.

I know, Shingles. How about
your classic paper-cutting routine?

What?

Oh, yes. My classic paper-cutting routine.

Yes. Thank you, Mrs Susan.
Can I have the birthday boy up here, please?

Yeah, here he comes. Big round for Kenzo.

Dad, this is the most embarrassing thing
you've ever done.

Right, Kenzo. Kenzo, do you like lions?

He likes lions. Do you all like lions?

- (All) Yeah!
- Big lions like you've seen at the zoo?

Well, I'm gonna make a big lion out of paper.

A lion sitting astride a carriage

with two magical footmen
sitting alongside of him.

This is your lucky day cos it's your birthday.

Cos what I've got here... I... I've got a moth.

You see? The lion turned into a moth.

(Ben) Yeah!

- Stop clowning around and get serious.
- I'm doing the best I can.

Oi!

All right, OK.
Who wants to meet my friend Wally?

- (All) Me!
- You do?

He's in my trousers. He's very shy.

- For God's sake...
- It's all right, don't worry. Kids love this.

After three, children, you've got to say
"Come out, Wally." One, two, three...

(All) Come out, Wally!

Hello, children.

(All) Boo!

It's only his wallet.

Enjoy it, kids. He doesn't get that out every day.

(Ben) I love you, Shingles.

I love you.
You're the funniest clown a kid ever saw.

Two years in dental school for this?
I can't take it. I'm going.

- What are you doing? You can't stop now.
- What?

Oh, look. Here's Percy.

I'm feeling a bit empty inside.

Well, whose fault is that, Miss Moneyspendy?

You wallets, you think you know everything.

You idiot.

Who are you calling idiot? Eh? Eh? Come on,
then. You're not even real leather, are you?

That's because it was a gift from you.

Oh, lovely. It's hitting-me season.
Hit me. Hit me!

Hello, boys and girls!

It's your old friend Shingles!
Would you like to see my elephant impression?

- Roger...
- There's one ear...

Ladies and gentlemen. The test results are in.

Oh, God. Don't tell me Janey's pregnant again.

No, no, no. It's the DNA results.

Michael tested Kenzo's three potential fathers
from the party.

I beg your pardon.

God, it's good to win once in a while.
I've beaten you, Janey, like a fluffy omelette.

Susan Harper, in all my years, I have never
known anything so devious, so despic...

I just love the new you.

In the category of best father...

Excuse me.
Best father in a non-supporting role.

I'm sorry to unravel your sneaky little plot but
none of the guys yesterday was Kenzo's father.

In fact, I've never slept with any of them.

And, as unlikely as that sounds,
my results do support that conclusion.

I will, however, be keeping the money.

Janey, you promised to bring Kenzo's father
to the party. We had a deal.

If I told you who he really was, you'd never rest
until you involved him in our family.

I don't want that
and Lord knows he wouldn't.

What sane man would?

What makes you think we'd interfere?

(Both) You just got Michael to do a DNA test!

Oh, that's just... what mothers do.

If the technology's there, why not use it?

Well, I think I'd better be off.

Where are you going?

Well, ever since I arrived,
this family's been in disarray.

Actually, it's one of their
more successful Christmasses.

I'm not one for sentimental goodbyes,
so um... goodbye, Alfie.

Actually, Mr Harper. um... This is for you.

You've been so kind to me
underneath the overt hostility.

Well, I don't know what to say, Alfie. I, er...

Wow.

Oh, a Dinky. I haven't got you anything.

I have. Alfie, it's Christmas Day.
You're going nowhere.

Yeah, I know. I've heard his music.

Gracey, what a beautiful ring.

- What?
- Thank you.

Read the inscription.

Oh, right.

(Both) "To the man who rocks my world."

I thought I rocked your world.

Not your world. Your world.

You do, Ben. Now let's open our presents.

Not now. I'd rather you didn't open it because
I think it's wrong. It's all wrong.

I don't like it, you won't like it,
I'm gonna change it.

Please, for God's sake. Don't open it.

Tea towels. L5 on tea towels.

Oh, Ben!

- Mrs Dalloway.
- Yes.

Oh, and it's a first edition.

It must have cost you a fortune
if this receipt is anything to go by.

Thank you, darling.

Now you read it slowly, OK?

That's L20 a page.

- I feel embarrassed about what I bought you.
- Socks?

- Right.
- Embarrassed?

- No.
- OK.

- Let's eat.
- Yes, let's.

No, wait. We haven't given Alfie his present.

I got Abi to get it
because I was so busy with the party.

I'll go and get it.

Alfie, in the few days you've been with us,
you've really become part of the family.

And this is our way of saying welcome.

He's now in our family?
What did you get him? Not expensive, is it?

Abi, I said get him a door key.

Oh. Well, a donkey's still nice, isn't it?

And it's very Christmassy.

Oh, look, it's snowing.

Oh, great. That's all I need.

Well, why not?

We've had the Christmas donkey,
the three wise men,

the Christmas visitor.

Yeah, why not a bit of snow?
How alarmingly traditional.

Come on, Ben. Say it.

Say what?

Merry...

OK. Altogether.

(All) Merry Christmas...

(Ben) Oh, great...

(Donkey brays)