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1
00:00:18,327 --> 00:00:22,206
- They've arrived!
- Ben, I've decided to write a novel.
2
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That's right, my business cards.
3
00:00:24,647 --> 00:00:27,207
- You're not listening, are you?
- Of course I am.
4
00:00:27,247 --> 00:00:32,002
Something about a hiking holiday with Sylvia.
Ah, now, look at that.
5
00:00:32,927 --> 00:00:37,762
500 cream wove cards
embossed in 20-point Baskerville.
6
00:00:39,727 --> 00:00:42,036
Ben Harper, dental surgeon.
7
00:00:42,087 --> 00:00:45,523
- It's not like you to own up to that.
- It's not like you to go hiking.
8
00:00:45,567 --> 00:00:51,164
- I'm not going on a hiking holiday.
- That didn't last long. So fickle, some people.
9
00:00:51,207 --> 00:00:54,040
This'll impress the hell out of Geoffrey Dutton.
10
00:00:54,087 --> 00:00:55,918
Who's Geoffrey Dutton?
11
00:00:55,967 --> 00:00:59,755
- You know the Queen's dentist?
- Strangely, no.
12
00:00:59,807 --> 00:01:01,798
Geoffrey's third in line.
13
00:01:01,847 --> 00:01:05,283
He's two heart attacks away
from a By Royal Appointment sticker.
14
00:01:05,327 --> 00:01:08,080
- Golly.
- Anyway, his partner's just died,
15
00:01:08,127 --> 00:01:11,881
so there's a vacancy at his Harley Street
practice, which I hope to fill.
16
00:01:11,927 --> 00:01:15,203
- And you think business cards will clinch it?
- No. No.
17
00:01:15,247 --> 00:01:17,761
But Geoffrey's going to the dental conference
18
00:01:17,807 --> 00:01:21,516
and I'm going to get in with the old Harper
silver-tongued schmoozing.
19
00:01:21,567 --> 00:01:23,558
Well, let me know how it goes.
20
00:01:23,607 --> 00:01:27,759
- What? I thought you said you were coming?
- No, Ben, I said I wasn't coming.
21
00:01:27,807 --> 00:01:32,039
- There you go again, so fickle.
- There you go again, not listening.
22
00:01:32,087 --> 00:01:34,885
Why aren't you coming?
It's the Lansdowne Park Hotel.
23
00:01:34,927 --> 00:01:38,237
Darling, it's got five restaurants,
three bars, sauna, spa.
24
00:01:38,287 --> 00:01:40,517
- Dentists.
- Not just dentists.
25
00:01:40,567 --> 00:01:43,604
- There'll be other people to talk to.
- Dentists' wives.
26
00:01:43,647 --> 00:01:47,606
- You're a dentist's wife.
- Yes, but I rise above it.
27
00:01:49,847 --> 00:01:55,046
You know what these people are like?
We are talking Garrick Club, MCC, Masons.
28
00:01:55,087 --> 00:01:58,762
- And you want me to be hanging on your arm.
- Course not.
29
00:02:00,247 --> 00:02:03,557
I'd prefer it if you were a few yards off
while we men talk shop.
30
00:02:03,607 --> 00:02:07,236
It's hard to talk with 500 business cards
stuffed down your throat.
31
00:02:07,287 --> 00:02:10,120
You'll sing another tune
if I'm on half a million a year.
32
00:02:10,167 --> 00:02:15,605
Ben, when you're on half a million, I'll sing
Oops I Did It Again by Britney Spears.
33
00:02:16,167 --> 00:02:18,158
On the roof.
34
00:02:18,967 --> 00:02:20,958
In the nude.
35
00:02:22,087 --> 00:02:25,159
- Deal. So, will you come?
- No.
36
00:02:25,207 --> 00:02:27,767
But I'll look pathetic if I go on my own.
37
00:02:27,807 --> 00:02:30,685
You won't be on your own.
You'll have Janey with you.
38
00:02:30,727 --> 00:02:32,718
Yes, I suppose so...
39
00:02:32,767 --> 00:02:34,041
What?
40
00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:36,203
Ben Hamper, Dental Surgeon.
41
00:02:38,767 --> 00:02:40,166
No!
42
00:02:40,767 --> 00:02:42,758
Harper.
43
00:02:43,287 --> 00:02:46,085
Harper. Harper.
44
00:02:46,127 --> 00:02:49,676
- Ben Harper.
- But why can't I come?
45
00:02:50,487 --> 00:02:54,719
- Are you ashamed of me?
- Ashamed of you? Oh, darling!
46
00:02:54,767 --> 00:02:58,760
A teenage mum who got kicked out of college,
no job, no prospects?
47
00:02:58,807 --> 00:03:00,798
Why would I be ashamed of you?
48
00:03:01,567 --> 00:03:03,762
Anyway, your mother hasn't definitely said no.
49
00:03:03,807 --> 00:03:05,240
No.
50
00:03:05,287 --> 00:03:10,281
- I need the weekend to start my novel.
- Not that again? A novel? Why a novel?
51
00:03:10,327 --> 00:03:12,966
When the muse sings, one can but answer.
52
00:03:13,007 --> 00:03:17,080
In case you haven't noticed,
I've a well of untapped creative energy,
53
00:03:17,127 --> 00:03:19,516
which I need to release before I go mad.
54
00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:23,958
- Too late.
- There you go, always stifling my ambition.
55
00:03:24,007 --> 00:03:26,885
I'm not stifling it. I'm trying to crush it.
56
00:03:26,927 --> 00:03:29,361
You are missing a dental conference!
57
00:03:29,407 --> 00:03:33,241
- I'm realising my dream.
- Never mind your dream.
58
00:03:33,287 --> 00:03:36,245
What about my nightmare?
59
00:03:37,087 --> 00:03:39,078
I think he means you, Janey.
60
00:03:39,127 --> 00:03:42,085
How dare you, Dad?
I've got a good mind not to come.
61
00:03:42,127 --> 00:03:44,118
But, luckily for you, I am.
62
00:03:44,167 --> 00:03:46,556
What a strange definition of lucky!
63
00:03:47,327 --> 00:03:52,242
I've just realised something. This is terrible.
Who's going to look after the baby?
64
00:03:52,287 --> 00:03:55,484
- Jane Austen isn't available.
- You're right.
65
00:03:55,527 --> 00:04:00,396
I've booked a child minder and don't worry,
she's not expensive, more mid-price.
66
00:04:00,447 --> 00:04:05,362
- It's not fair.
- If you take Janey, you'll seem a family man.
67
00:04:05,407 --> 00:04:08,479
- But my daughter?
- Lots of dentists take their daughters.
68
00:04:08,527 --> 00:04:10,518
- Name one.
- Alistair Johnson.
69
00:04:10,567 --> 00:04:14,196
- Alistair Johnson's a prat.
- Oh, really? I just made him up.
70
00:04:14,247 --> 00:04:16,238
Oh.
71
00:04:16,287 --> 00:04:19,484
It's... It's not really your scene.
72
00:04:19,527 --> 00:04:24,521
Are you joking? Look, there's a spa,
a beauty salon and a designer clothes shop.
73
00:04:24,567 --> 00:04:28,685
Take her, Ben. It'll make me happy.
It'll make Janey happy.
74
00:04:28,727 --> 00:04:31,116
It'll make me sad.
75
00:04:31,167 --> 00:04:34,079
Oh, an emotional journey,
76
00:04:35,087 --> 00:04:37,078
just like my first novel.
77
00:04:42,687 --> 00:04:45,645
- I told you to turn right.
- I did turn right.
78
00:04:45,687 --> 00:04:49,521
- It wasn't the right right.
- It was the right you told me to turn into.
79
00:04:49,567 --> 00:04:51,797
Yes, but it wasn't the one I meant.
80
00:04:51,847 --> 00:04:54,919
- You have to have the last word, don't you?
- Yes.
81
00:04:56,127 --> 00:04:58,118
- All finished?
- I wish.
82
00:04:58,167 --> 00:05:00,681
That's it. Chin up. And the name is?
83
00:05:00,727 --> 00:05:03,161
Harper. Mr and Mrs Harper.
84
00:05:03,207 --> 00:05:05,198
(Laughing) No way.
85
00:05:06,087 --> 00:05:08,601
- I'm sorry?
- I'm not Mrs Harper.
86
00:05:10,287 --> 00:05:12,926
- I see.
- No. It really isn't a problem.
87
00:05:12,967 --> 00:05:16,118
I paid for Mrs Harper, but I brought her instead.
88
00:05:16,167 --> 00:05:19,443
Well, it's not a problem for me, sir. Room 635.
89
00:05:19,487 --> 00:05:21,239
And?
90
00:05:22,687 --> 00:05:26,157
- Enjoy your stay.
- Is that it, just the one room?
91
00:05:26,207 --> 00:05:29,483
Janey, Janey, it's got twin beds.
92
00:05:29,527 --> 00:05:32,439
- OK?
- What if I get lucky?
93
00:05:32,487 --> 00:05:35,126
- What if I get lucky?
- I'm telling Mum.
94
00:05:35,167 --> 00:05:37,158
And so you should.
95
00:05:37,207 --> 00:05:39,596
- Janey! Janey!
- Don't speak to me.
96
00:05:39,647 --> 00:05:42,207
- Wife trouble, eh?
- Tell me about it.
97
00:05:42,247 --> 00:05:46,081
First she decides not to come,
and then she gives me this.
98
00:05:46,127 --> 00:05:48,118
Janey!
99
00:05:48,167 --> 00:05:50,362
Younger wife. Never works.
100
00:06:00,367 --> 00:06:02,358
What are you doing?
101
00:06:02,407 --> 00:06:04,398
I am writing a novel.
102
00:06:05,767 --> 00:06:07,758
Oh. That's nice.
103
00:06:07,807 --> 00:06:09,798
Yes, it is.
104
00:06:13,367 --> 00:06:17,519
- Shall I tell you what's bothering me?
- It won't be what's bothering me.
105
00:06:17,567 --> 00:06:21,321
Roger asked me to the dental conference
and I turned him down.
106
00:06:21,367 --> 00:06:23,642
- I wish I'd gone now.
- So do I.
107
00:06:24,487 --> 00:06:28,765
- I suppose it's too late.
- No, it's not too late. It's barely started.
108
00:06:28,807 --> 00:06:30,877
We could go together.
109
00:06:30,927 --> 00:06:34,237
No. I told you, I am writing a novel.
110
00:06:34,287 --> 00:06:37,245
Don't worry about that. I'll give you a hand.
111
00:06:39,607 --> 00:06:42,201
Oh... Yeah...
112
00:06:43,287 --> 00:06:45,755
- See what you've done there?
- What?
113
00:06:46,527 --> 00:06:50,600
Never begin with a description of the weather.
It's a complete turn-off.
114
00:06:50,647 --> 00:06:53,207
It's not a description of the weather.
115
00:06:53,247 --> 00:06:57,206
I'm painting a picture,
establishing a literary mood.
116
00:06:58,327 --> 00:07:00,522
Listen.
117
00:07:00,567 --> 00:07:05,322
"It was 19 degrees Celsius, and a bright morning
threatened to turn to scattered showers
118
00:07:05,367 --> 00:07:07,722
"with a light northwesterly wind,
119
00:07:07,767 --> 00:07:10,042
"with the death of a love affair."
120
00:07:13,167 --> 00:07:15,601
Not very good, is it?
121
00:07:15,647 --> 00:07:19,037
You need a sentence
that will hook the reader from the off.
122
00:07:19,087 --> 00:07:21,043
Oh, really? Like what?
123
00:07:21,087 --> 00:07:23,920
Well, off the top of my head,
124
00:07:23,967 --> 00:07:26,356
you know, something like...
125
00:07:27,327 --> 00:07:30,842
Klaus wrenched the wheel
as only an assassin could,
126
00:07:30,887 --> 00:07:34,721
sending the Maserati
cartwheeling into the Bay of Naples.
127
00:07:35,527 --> 00:07:38,803
When the boot was opened, 48 hours later,
128
00:07:38,847 --> 00:07:42,601
they found the Prime Minister's missing head.
129
00:07:47,527 --> 00:07:49,483
You're hooked, aren't you?
130
00:07:49,527 --> 00:07:52,644
- Abi, go to the damn conference.
- OK.
131
00:07:59,007 --> 00:08:03,319
Klaus wrenched the wheel of his Maserati
as only an assassin could.
132
00:08:03,367 --> 00:08:05,483
And another thing, the room's too small.
133
00:08:05,527 --> 00:08:08,564
There's a shower and no bath,
and there are no bathrobes.
134
00:08:08,607 --> 00:08:10,598
- Janey...
- There's no cable TV.
135
00:08:10,647 --> 00:08:16,165
- Not enough wardrobe space, and no kettle.
- All I said was, "Nice, isn't it?"
136
00:08:16,207 --> 00:08:19,802
Now, all I ask is you don't embarrass me
in front of Geoffrey Dutton.
137
00:08:19,847 --> 00:08:22,600
- Which one's Geoffrey Dutton?
- He... Never mind.
138
00:08:22,647 --> 00:08:27,277
- Say please, thank you, and don't get drunk.
- Oh, please. Thank you.
139
00:08:28,327 --> 00:08:30,318
Two out of three's not bad.
140
00:08:30,367 --> 00:08:32,961
Ah, there he is. Geoffrey Dutton.
141
00:08:33,007 --> 00:08:37,080
- Oh, you must introduce me.
- Never mind. You just stay there.
142
00:08:37,127 --> 00:08:39,721
And... And... Stay there.
143
00:08:40,407 --> 00:08:42,398
- Geoffrey...
- Ben Harper!
144
00:08:42,447 --> 00:08:44,563
- Roger Bailey!
- Isn't this fab?
145
00:08:44,607 --> 00:08:47,440
It isn't... That's not the F word I was thinking of.
146
00:08:47,487 --> 00:08:50,877
- What the hell are you doing here?
- Having the time of my life.
147
00:08:50,927 --> 00:08:55,000
Did you know there's a seminar
on the tax implications of dental adhesives?
148
00:08:55,047 --> 00:08:58,756
- That's where I'm going.
- Thanks for the warning. Now, I have to...
149
00:08:58,807 --> 00:09:01,958
Yes, I know.
These sessions can be murder on the bladder.
150
00:09:05,287 --> 00:09:09,075
(Janey) Hello, are you mad?
I'm not wearing that. It says Mrs Harper.
151
00:09:09,127 --> 00:09:11,402
- I'm not Mrs Harper.
- Janey, stop this.
152
00:09:11,447 --> 00:09:13,915
You're not too old to have a spanking.
153
00:09:22,527 --> 00:09:27,043
- Excuse me. I don't like my room.
- And I don't like my job.
154
00:09:27,087 --> 00:09:30,523
Let's see if we can't help each other out,
shall we?
155
00:09:30,567 --> 00:09:34,003
Oh, dear, no.
No, looks like we're both out of luck.
156
00:09:34,047 --> 00:09:36,686
Come on. Look, you must have something.
157
00:09:36,727 --> 00:09:39,878
- Well, there is the Windsor Suite.
- That'll do.
158
00:09:39,927 --> 00:09:43,237
- Let me continue, which is very expensive.
- Even better.
159
00:09:43,287 --> 00:09:46,723
Very well. Would you like me
to stick this on the same credit card?
160
00:09:46,767 --> 00:09:49,281
You can stick it where you like.
161
00:09:53,407 --> 00:09:56,001
Hello. I think you're expecting me.
162
00:09:56,047 --> 00:09:59,005
Never in my wildest dreams.
163
00:09:59,047 --> 00:10:01,038
- What name?
- Bailey.
164
00:10:01,087 --> 00:10:04,523
- Mrs Bailey.
- No, no. It's Harper.
165
00:10:04,567 --> 00:10:07,445
Oh, is it indeed? Yes, my job just got better.
166
00:10:07,487 --> 00:10:09,637
You'll find Mr Harper in the bar.
167
00:10:09,687 --> 00:10:11,678
Oh, thank you.
168
00:10:13,087 --> 00:10:15,647
(Ben) Geoffrey! Geoffrey! Geoffrey!
169
00:10:17,047 --> 00:10:19,720
Excuse me. Geoffrey! Geoffrey!
170
00:10:19,767 --> 00:10:23,077
Geoffrey! Hello! Hello, Geoffrey.
171
00:10:24,527 --> 00:10:28,679
- How are you? I didn't see you there.
- Oh, don't tell me. It's, erm...
172
00:10:28,727 --> 00:10:30,718
Harper. Ben Harper. Yes.
173
00:10:30,767 --> 00:10:33,520
- My card.
- Ah.
174
00:10:33,567 --> 00:10:37,276
I know it says Hamper,
but I've written the R in by hand.
175
00:10:37,327 --> 00:10:41,161
- Classy.
- Yes, well, it's the personal touch, isn't it?
176
00:10:41,207 --> 00:10:43,482
I think it's the mark of a very good dentist.
177
00:10:43,527 --> 00:10:47,042
- Wife not with you this year?
- No. Couldn't make it.
178
00:10:47,087 --> 00:10:49,282
Family illness in the head.
179
00:10:49,327 --> 00:10:55,163
Oh, so who was that pretty little thing
I saw you with earlier?
180
00:10:55,207 --> 00:10:58,597
- Oh, yes. She's my daughter.
- Oh-ho! I see.
181
00:10:59,647 --> 00:11:02,400
Makes a change from
"She's my dental assistant."
182
00:11:02,447 --> 00:11:05,245
Now, now, Alan. I like a man with chutzpah.
183
00:11:05,287 --> 00:11:07,437
Yes. I know you do, sir.
184
00:11:07,487 --> 00:11:11,116
Look here, you've probably heard
my business partner recently died.
185
00:11:11,167 --> 00:11:14,000
Me? No, I didn't. Oh, I'm so sorry.
186
00:11:14,047 --> 00:11:18,165
Which leaves a rather lucrative opening
in my Harley Street practice.
187
00:11:18,207 --> 00:11:20,163
Mmm. Does it?
188
00:11:20,207 --> 00:11:23,643
Oh, come on,
it's the talk of the dental demimonde.
189
00:11:24,727 --> 00:11:27,287
You can't be that naive.
190
00:11:28,287 --> 00:11:30,881
No, I'm not, actually. I knew all about it.
191
00:11:30,927 --> 00:11:35,205
I'm extremely well-informed.
That's why I sought you out at this conference.
192
00:11:35,247 --> 00:11:38,603
- Oh, that chutzpah again.
- My card.
193
00:11:38,647 --> 00:11:42,162
That card again.
Look here, Harper, why don't we find a quiet?
194
00:11:42,207 --> 00:11:44,198
- Surprise!
- Horror!
195
00:11:44,247 --> 00:11:47,603
- I decided to come after all.
- Abi, I'm busy. Do you mind?
196
00:11:47,647 --> 00:11:51,686
- Sorry, Geoffrey, you were saying?
- But I've got something for you.
197
00:11:51,727 --> 00:11:55,003
- Abi, go away, or I'll have something for you.
- It's your toothbrush.
198
00:11:55,047 --> 00:11:57,038
- You left it on the bed.
- Shh!
199
00:11:57,087 --> 00:11:59,681
Geoffrey... Erm... Thanks a lot.
200
00:12:00,967 --> 00:12:03,435
Abi! You're here!
201
00:12:03,487 --> 00:12:05,762
- I changed my mind.
- Oh, joy!
202
00:12:05,807 --> 00:12:11,677
First, a satirical revue called Lord Of The Fillings:
Return Of The Cavity, and now this!
203
00:12:11,727 --> 00:12:15,003
- I'm going to need the key to my room.
- Your room?
204
00:12:15,047 --> 00:12:18,642
- Ah.
- You did book two rooms, didn't you?
205
00:12:18,687 --> 00:12:20,996
Well, yes, of course I did, but I...
206
00:12:22,127 --> 00:12:23,958
Yes, that's it.
207
00:12:24,007 --> 00:12:27,204
When you said you couldn't come,
I cancelled your booking,
208
00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:31,240
so I've only got a single room... with one bed.
209
00:12:31,287 --> 00:12:33,721
What to do? What to do?
210
00:12:33,767 --> 00:12:37,919
- It's a tough one, isn't it?
- I don't know.
211
00:12:37,967 --> 00:12:41,437
There is one possible solution.
212
00:12:43,367 --> 00:12:46,643
- You could commute.
- I could commute.
213
00:12:50,767 --> 00:12:52,758
Delete file.
214
00:12:54,007 --> 00:12:55,998
Chapter one.
215
00:12:57,807 --> 00:12:59,798
- Hello, Mother.
- Oh!
216
00:12:59,847 --> 00:13:02,566
- Still stuck?
- I am not stuck.
217
00:13:02,607 --> 00:13:04,837
I have writer's block,
218
00:13:04,887 --> 00:13:07,321
because I am a writer.
219
00:13:08,287 --> 00:13:12,200
- I really don't know why you bother.
- You are so like your father.
220
00:13:12,767 --> 00:13:14,758
There's no need to get nasty.
221
00:13:14,807 --> 00:13:18,595
I think the point he's trying to make,
Mrs Harper,
222
00:13:18,647 --> 00:13:22,162
is that the English novel is essentially moribund.
223
00:13:22,207 --> 00:13:26,519
The prose may be well wrought,
but, in the end, intellectually barren.
224
00:13:27,687 --> 00:13:31,566
Indeed. Let's go upstairs
and play Slaughter Mountain VII.
225
00:13:40,047 --> 00:13:44,438
It was on a Saturday afternoon
that she decided to murder her son.
226
00:13:45,527 --> 00:13:47,518
Wow! Talk about a hook.
227
00:13:50,727 --> 00:13:52,718
As you were.
228
00:13:53,967 --> 00:13:56,925
- Geoffrey.
- Harper, I've been looking for you.
229
00:13:56,967 --> 00:14:01,279
- Have you? Really? Why?
- Just wanted a little chat. Brandy?
230
00:14:01,327 --> 00:14:03,318
- Hmm. Card.
- Thank you.
231
00:14:04,247 --> 00:14:10,197
You see, what I'm looking for in a partner
is a good, solid type.
232
00:14:10,247 --> 00:14:13,683
- Old-fashioned, if you like.
- I can relate to that, Geoffrey.
233
00:14:13,727 --> 00:14:17,117
I'm looking for someone discreet,
234
00:14:17,167 --> 00:14:19,920
who won't give the game away.
235
00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:22,518
You can rely on me.
236
00:14:24,047 --> 00:14:26,436
- What game?
- Exactly.
237
00:14:26,487 --> 00:14:29,524
What game? Now, that girl you're with, Janey.
238
00:14:29,567 --> 00:14:32,604
- Oh, yes.
- How did you end up with her?
239
00:14:34,327 --> 00:14:39,685
- I slept with her mother.
- Good God! It sounds a bit Continental.
240
00:14:39,727 --> 00:14:42,400
No, no, no. No.
241
00:14:42,447 --> 00:14:44,438
She's my daughter. I told you.
242
00:14:44,487 --> 00:14:47,399
Come on. You don't have to pretend with me.
243
00:14:48,567 --> 00:14:51,764
- Pretend what? She really is my daughter.
- Ben...
244
00:14:51,807 --> 00:14:53,798
- Yes?
- Well done.
245
00:14:53,847 --> 00:14:55,838
You've passed the first test.
246
00:14:55,887 --> 00:14:59,562
- Have I?
- You've proved yourself a man of discretion.
247
00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:03,520
No matter how hard I pressed you,
you still insisted she was your daughter.
248
00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:06,682
- But she is.
- There you go.
249
00:15:06,727 --> 00:15:08,718
Oh, my God! I...
250
00:15:08,767 --> 00:15:12,442
(Chuckling) You think Janey's my...
251
00:15:12,487 --> 00:15:15,763
- Well, isn't she?
- No. No, no, no. Janey's my...
252
00:15:17,487 --> 00:15:19,478
Hmm?
253
00:15:23,087 --> 00:15:25,681
- Mistress.
- Ha! Cheers.
254
00:15:28,407 --> 00:15:30,398
Cheers.
255
00:15:34,047 --> 00:15:36,561
Janey! Janey! Janey!
256
00:15:38,167 --> 00:15:42,922
Janey, there's something I want to... tell you,
and it's rather urgent.
257
00:15:44,167 --> 00:15:47,762
What do you want? Is my daughter in there?
258
00:15:48,647 --> 00:15:53,357
- Who wants to know?
- I'll tell you who wants to know. Her father.
259
00:15:53,407 --> 00:15:55,398
Excuse me. This is my room.
260
00:15:55,447 --> 00:15:58,405
Janey? Janey! Janey! Who's this?
261
00:15:58,447 --> 00:16:02,838
- Who's this?
- Who are you?
262
00:16:02,887 --> 00:16:05,321
Sorry!
263
00:16:16,847 --> 00:16:18,803
(Bell pinging)
264
00:16:18,847 --> 00:16:21,600
- Good evening, sir.
- Yes, hello. Good evening.
265
00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:27,961
My daughter. She switched our room without
telling me, and I'd like to know where she is.
266
00:16:28,007 --> 00:16:33,081
- No problem, sir. It'll be on the computer.
- Oh good. The name's Harper.
267
00:16:36,647 --> 00:16:40,162
- Well?
- Oh, I don't know how to do it.
268
00:16:41,847 --> 00:16:44,645
Well, perhaps you could find
someone who does?
269
00:16:44,687 --> 00:16:49,158
Certainly, sir. One of the lads will sort you out.
First thing in the morning.
270
00:16:50,607 --> 00:16:54,759
- Oh, brilliant.
- Yes, sir. Technology is a wonderful thing.
271
00:16:58,087 --> 00:17:00,237
I could make you a sandwich, sir.
272
00:17:01,447 --> 00:17:03,438
Yeah, all right.
273
00:17:03,487 --> 00:17:05,478
I'll need your room number.
274
00:17:07,687 --> 00:17:10,281
Well, that's really good.
275
00:17:10,327 --> 00:17:13,285
A family drama, chick-lit, murder mystery.
276
00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:16,965
You really want to know what happens next.
277
00:17:17,967 --> 00:17:19,958
Let's find out.
278
00:17:23,367 --> 00:17:25,358
Chapter nine.
279
00:17:25,407 --> 00:17:27,398
(Doorbell)
280
00:17:28,487 --> 00:17:30,478
(Mikey) Mum! Someone for you!
281
00:17:30,527 --> 00:17:32,882
(Groaning)
282
00:17:34,767 --> 00:17:36,837
- Mrs Harper?
- Yes.
283
00:17:36,887 --> 00:17:39,003
I've got Kenzo.
284
00:17:39,047 --> 00:17:41,766
- Is there a problem?
- Janey hired me for last night.
285
00:17:41,807 --> 00:17:44,526
- She said you'd pick him up today.
- She said what?!
286
00:17:44,567 --> 00:17:47,081
- She said you'd...
- Yes, I heard what she said.
287
00:17:47,127 --> 00:17:50,164
- I can't look after him today.
- Why not?
288
00:17:50,207 --> 00:17:52,641
I am writing a novel.
289
00:17:52,687 --> 00:17:54,678
Right. Got a publisher?
290
00:17:54,727 --> 00:17:56,877
- No.
- Then it's not going to happen.
291
00:17:56,927 --> 00:17:58,758
Here.
292
00:18:07,967 --> 00:18:10,401
- Morning.
- Morning.
293
00:18:11,487 --> 00:18:13,682
Ah... must have dropped my phone card.
294
00:18:28,887 --> 00:18:32,402
Someone's going to get a shock
when he gets the bill.
295
00:18:32,447 --> 00:18:35,359
- Poor old Ben Harper.
- What do you mean?
296
00:18:36,287 --> 00:18:38,517
- That's his wife.
- No, it isn't.
297
00:18:38,567 --> 00:18:41,206
I know Susan Harper, and that's not her.
298
00:18:41,247 --> 00:18:44,478
- She is with Ben Harper, though.
- Rubbish.
299
00:18:47,767 --> 00:18:52,602
Morning, darling. Thanks for a lovely night.
300
00:18:52,647 --> 00:18:54,717
Told you.
301
00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:59,318
Have some salmon. It's delicious,
and it's not cheap. I over-ordered.
302
00:18:59,367 --> 00:19:02,996
Thanks to you, I haven't slept a wink.
303
00:19:03,047 --> 00:19:07,279
My back is killing me and I spent
most of the night with my feet in the air.
304
00:19:11,767 --> 00:19:15,555
Janey, you changed rooms without telling me.
305
00:19:15,607 --> 00:19:18,326
I don't have to tell you everything, Dad.
306
00:19:18,367 --> 00:19:20,358
Look, Janey,
307
00:19:21,247 --> 00:19:24,876
just this weekend, I'd prefer it
if you don't call me Dad.
308
00:19:24,927 --> 00:19:27,566
- So you're ashamed of your own daughter?
- Shh.
309
00:19:28,927 --> 00:19:31,725
Look, it's a little embarrassing, but...
310
00:19:31,767 --> 00:19:34,998
when I've explained it, I think you'll understand.
311
00:19:35,967 --> 00:19:38,117
More prunes, my dear?
312
00:19:38,167 --> 00:19:41,125
No, thank you. I've had an ample sufficiency.
313
00:19:41,167 --> 00:19:45,479
Oh, my God! That is disgusting!
How could you even suggest that?
314
00:19:53,487 --> 00:19:56,957
- Excuse me. I'm looking for...
- Ben Harper? In the breakfast room.
315
00:19:57,007 --> 00:19:58,998
Thank you.
316
00:19:59,847 --> 00:20:01,997
Life is good.
317
00:20:02,047 --> 00:20:04,607
Excuse me. I'm looking for Ben Harper.
318
00:20:09,367 --> 00:20:11,961
Anyone seen my husband? Ben Harper.
319
00:20:13,247 --> 00:20:17,957
- Now, that's Susan Harper.
- And her with a baby. It's not right.
320
00:20:22,327 --> 00:20:24,318
More pork, Michael?
321
00:20:24,887 --> 00:20:26,923
Yes, please, Hubert.
322
00:20:26,967 --> 00:20:30,277
Quiet, isn't it? Where is everyone?
323
00:20:30,967 --> 00:20:34,721
Well, my dad's gone to a dental conference.
324
00:20:34,767 --> 00:20:37,565
He's taken my sister
cos my mum thinks it's boring,
325
00:20:37,607 --> 00:20:40,326
but my sister arranged
to leave the baby with my mum,
326
00:20:40,367 --> 00:20:44,042
and she's furious at being dumped on,
so she's followed them up there.
327
00:20:44,087 --> 00:20:46,078
With the baby.
328
00:20:46,127 --> 00:20:49,756
That sounds like a recipe for total disaster.
329
00:20:50,527 --> 00:20:52,518
Doesn't it?
330
00:20:53,527 --> 00:20:55,518
What are we doing here?
331
00:20:59,327 --> 00:21:02,763
So, he's got his mistress here,
and Susan turns up.
332
00:21:02,807 --> 00:21:04,798
And that's not all.
333
00:21:04,847 --> 00:21:07,566
There's another woman
pretending to be his wife.
334
00:21:07,607 --> 00:21:09,677
- Really?
- A tall blonde girl.
335
00:21:09,727 --> 00:21:11,922
He left his toothbrush at her place.
336
00:21:11,967 --> 00:21:14,435
So he's got three fancy women
at the same time?
337
00:21:14,487 --> 00:21:16,603
No, I told you, the third one is his wife.
338
00:21:16,647 --> 00:21:18,638
- The one with the baby?
- Yes.
339
00:21:18,687 --> 00:21:21,440
- Oh, that poor woman.
- How dreadful!
340
00:21:32,567 --> 00:21:34,762
We're with Ben Harper.
341
00:21:34,807 --> 00:21:36,798
Now, this I didn't expect.
342
00:21:45,327 --> 00:21:49,445
- Mrs Harper, I presume?
- Mum! You could have knocked!
343
00:21:49,487 --> 00:21:52,047
I didn't want to disturb you.
344
00:21:52,087 --> 00:21:54,078
I believe this is yours.
345
00:21:56,727 --> 00:21:58,718
- You, what's your name?
- Helmut.
346
00:21:58,767 --> 00:22:01,327
OK, Helmut, easy on the left shoulder.
347
00:22:02,927 --> 00:22:05,999
Oh... How could you do this to me, Janey?
348
00:22:06,047 --> 00:22:10,245
- Today of all days. I very nearly wrote a novel.
- Never mind me.
349
00:22:10,287 --> 00:22:13,518
- Do you know what Dad's done?
- Nothing that would surprise me.
350
00:22:13,567 --> 00:22:17,799
- Harder, Helmut, harder.
- He's asked me to pretend to be his mistress.
351
00:22:18,647 --> 00:22:20,478
- His what?
- Yeah.
352
00:22:20,527 --> 00:22:24,315
Apparently, that'll clinch the deal
with this Geoffrey Dutton bloke.
353
00:22:24,367 --> 00:22:27,404
Right, he's gone too far this time.
354
00:22:29,207 --> 00:22:31,437
I don't mind being replaced as Ben's wife,
355
00:22:31,487 --> 00:22:36,641
but nobody, I repeat,
nobody replaces me as his mistress.
356
00:22:42,167 --> 00:22:44,556
I don't want to appear pushy, Geoffrey,
357
00:22:44,607 --> 00:22:47,758
but I think I've pretty much got this partnership
in the bag.
358
00:22:47,807 --> 00:22:51,243
- Pardon my chutzpah.
- You're pretty much the front runner.
359
00:22:51,287 --> 00:22:54,882
- Yes! I'm sorry.
- Though I do have a couple of concerns.
360
00:22:54,927 --> 00:22:58,715
- Bring it on, Geoff.
- It's about your... young lady.
361
00:23:00,127 --> 00:23:02,118
Oh, you mean at breakfast?
362
00:23:02,167 --> 00:23:06,524
- Yeah. She's a bit of a liability at times.
- She called you dad.
363
00:23:06,567 --> 00:23:10,162
- She really is your daughter, isn't she?
- Listen...
364
00:23:11,767 --> 00:23:15,999
- Yes.
- So, you don't have a mistress after all?
365
00:23:17,527 --> 00:23:21,406
No. Is that bad?
366
00:23:21,447 --> 00:23:23,438
Bad for me.
367
00:23:23,487 --> 00:23:26,923
You must think me a very... wicked person.
368
00:23:27,607 --> 00:23:31,680
- If you want me to.
- You see, I thought if you joined my practice,
369
00:23:31,727 --> 00:23:35,003
I could keep your secret
and you could keep mine.
370
00:23:35,047 --> 00:23:38,756
Only, now it appears you don't have a secret.
371
00:23:39,647 --> 00:23:41,638
I do. Yes.
372
00:23:41,687 --> 00:23:45,236
- I've got a... I've got a mistress.
- You just told me you didn't.
373
00:23:45,287 --> 00:23:47,437
Yeah, I... I was being discreet.
374
00:23:47,487 --> 00:23:51,446
Ah, you see, it's not Janey.
In fact, she's here, in this hotel.
375
00:23:51,487 --> 00:23:54,206
Well, I'm sorry, Harper,
I just don't believe you.
376
00:23:54,247 --> 00:23:58,877
I'll go and get her. I'll be back in two minutes.
Oh, um... here's my card.
377
00:24:00,167 --> 00:24:02,158
(Laughter)
378
00:24:04,927 --> 00:24:11,366
Abi! Abi! It might sound weird, but I would like
you to be my mistress for half an hour.
379
00:24:11,407 --> 00:24:13,523
- OK.
- Great. Come on. It's urgent.
380
00:24:13,567 --> 00:24:15,558
- You fiend! How dare you?
- Roger!
381
00:24:15,607 --> 00:24:18,519
Roger, it's just for a minute.
You won't miss her.
382
00:24:18,567 --> 00:24:22,037
- Let her go! Let her go! She's mine!
- Roger, she's mine!
383
00:24:22,087 --> 00:24:24,078
- No!
- Roger, I'm desperate!
384
00:24:24,127 --> 00:24:26,118
Buy a magazine!
385
00:24:27,927 --> 00:24:31,920
Look, just show it the vermouth,
plenty of gin and an olive.
386
00:24:31,967 --> 00:24:34,037
It's not that difficult.
387
00:24:35,127 --> 00:24:37,357
Yes, I do seem young for a dentist.
388
00:24:37,407 --> 00:24:41,559
It's just because I'm so brilliant,
I went to Cambridge at the age of eight.
389
00:24:41,607 --> 00:24:43,996
What are you doing later?
390
00:24:44,847 --> 00:24:46,963
No, no, no!
391
00:24:52,847 --> 00:24:54,838
I couldn't find her.
392
00:24:54,887 --> 00:24:57,685
She's probably off having her face waxed.
393
00:24:57,727 --> 00:24:59,718
No, she'll turn up.
394
00:25:01,047 --> 00:25:04,357
- She does exist.
- Of course she does. She's here.
395
00:25:04,407 --> 00:25:06,398
Hmm?
396
00:25:06,447 --> 00:25:08,915
Hello, darling.
397
00:25:08,967 --> 00:25:12,846
What the hell are you doing here?
I thought I left you at the gift shop.
398
00:25:12,887 --> 00:25:16,323
- I was telling Kitty here about our plans.
- Kitty?
399
00:25:17,127 --> 00:25:19,118
Yes, Kitty.
400
00:25:19,167 --> 00:25:21,158
Vot's wrong vis Kitty?
401
00:25:21,207 --> 00:25:26,440
- It's just that it's my pet name for you.
- And now it's mine too.
402
00:25:26,487 --> 00:25:30,241
You know, Harper,
I've enjoyed talking to Kitty here.
403
00:25:30,287 --> 00:25:32,278
She does you credit.
404
00:25:33,367 --> 00:25:35,358
- Does she?
- Yes.
405
00:25:35,407 --> 00:25:39,366
- Well done, Kitty!
- I feel I can rely upon... your discretion.
406
00:25:39,407 --> 00:25:42,479
Of course. My lips are sealed...
407
00:25:42,527 --> 00:25:44,518
ven necessary.
408
00:25:44,567 --> 00:25:48,480
- You can always rely on the older ones.
- Watch it, buster!
409
00:25:50,007 --> 00:25:52,157
Yes, well, I'm convinced.
410
00:25:52,207 --> 00:25:55,961
- What? You mean, um...
- Yes, Ben Harper, you're in.
411
00:25:56,007 --> 00:25:59,204
- Oh!
- I'll get my lawyers to draw up a contract.
412
00:25:59,247 --> 00:26:02,637
Oh, hello, Harley Street. Goodbye, Roger.
Well done, Kitty.
413
00:26:02,687 --> 00:26:04,678
- Off you go now. Go on.
- What?
414
00:26:04,727 --> 00:26:08,481
Yes. Haven't you got
a Britney Spears song to rehearse?
415
00:26:08,527 --> 00:26:10,995
Very well, my little Benny-Ben-Ben.
416
00:26:12,007 --> 00:26:16,000
He seems like an idiot,
but he's a tiger between ze sheets.
417
00:26:16,047 --> 00:26:19,198
- Ah! Ah!
- No, no, no, please, stay.
418
00:26:20,007 --> 00:26:23,841
It's a good opportunity
to become better acquainted.
419
00:26:23,887 --> 00:26:26,959
No, you don't need to know any more.
Off you go.
420
00:26:27,007 --> 00:26:31,717
- You'll never see her ever again.
- Ben, Ben, we're going to be partners.
421
00:26:31,767 --> 00:26:34,998
We have to... share everything.
422
00:26:36,007 --> 00:26:40,080
- What?
- You do want to be... partners, don't you?
423
00:26:42,127 --> 00:26:44,118
It's your choice, Ben.
424
00:26:44,167 --> 00:26:49,082
After all ze things you've done
to clinch this deal, why stop now?
425
00:26:51,287 --> 00:26:54,040
Well, Ben, partners?
426
00:26:56,807 --> 00:26:59,116
Yes.
427
00:27:00,247 --> 00:27:05,037
- He's also got a grandmother going cheap.
- Kitty, we'll discuss this later. OK?
428
00:27:05,087 --> 00:27:07,840
The main thing is the deal is in the bag.
429
00:27:07,887 --> 00:27:09,878
Ah... Ah, my wife.
430
00:27:09,927 --> 00:27:13,237
- Penny.
- Susan. Susan Harper.
431
00:27:13,287 --> 00:27:15,278
- Who?
- (Penny) Ben's wife.
432
00:27:15,327 --> 00:27:18,558
We always get left in a corner together
at dental conferences.
433
00:27:18,607 --> 00:27:20,837
Hello, Penny.
434
00:27:20,887 --> 00:27:25,005
- Your wife? You said...
- No, I didn't. She did.
435
00:27:25,047 --> 00:27:29,359
- Because Janey said you asked her to do it.
- Yes, but she wouldn't, so I asked Abi.
436
00:27:29,407 --> 00:27:32,638
- Oh, really? Well, aren't you a piece of...
- Don't blame me.
437
00:27:32,687 --> 00:27:35,121
I did it because he has a mistress and I haven't.
438
00:27:35,167 --> 00:27:37,806
- What?
- Yes. Yes. He's got a mistress.
439
00:27:45,047 --> 00:27:47,959
Oh, Ben, I'm really glad I came.
440
00:27:48,007 --> 00:27:50,726
I've got a great idea for my second novel.
441
00:27:52,807 --> 00:27:55,480
- Well, you blew it.
- I blew it?
442
00:27:55,527 --> 00:27:59,440
You blew it! Anyway, you said
you didn't care about the money.
443
00:27:59,487 --> 00:28:03,002
Things are different now.
I have to take ten years off work.
444
00:28:03,047 --> 00:28:05,038
I have two novels to finish.
445
00:28:06,287 --> 00:28:08,278
Er... Geoffrey, my card.
446
00:28:16,407 --> 00:28:18,875
Right, there we are, sir.
447
00:28:18,927 --> 00:28:20,918
Rather fun, wasn't it?
448
00:28:20,967 --> 00:28:24,277
- That's not too bad.
- For a subtotal, no.
449
00:28:24,327 --> 00:28:29,003
What's this? Ballooning? Pony trekking?
Clay-pigeon shooting?
450
00:28:29,047 --> 00:28:32,244
Car hire? Six hours of adult films?
451
00:28:32,287 --> 00:28:34,482
He's insatiable!
452
00:28:35,527 --> 00:28:37,518
- Was this you, Susan?
- No.
453
00:28:37,567 --> 00:28:40,035
- Janey?
- When do I have time for ballooning?
454
00:28:40,087 --> 00:28:43,045
- I'm a full-time mother.
- Well, who, then?
37104
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