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1
00:00:16,287 --> 00:00:19,006
(# Humming theme from High Noon)
2
00:00:21,567 --> 00:00:25,799
So Gary Cooper throws down
his sheriff's badge into the dust,
3
00:00:25,847 --> 00:00:30,921
cracks his whip and drives off with Grace Kelly
into who knows where.
4
00:00:30,967 --> 00:00:36,246
Very good. You know, films can teach us a lot,
Roger, like... when to leave.
5
00:00:37,007 --> 00:00:40,761
- Do you ever yearn for the prairies, Ben?
- Yup. I'm starting to.
6
00:00:40,807 --> 00:00:45,323
The wide open spaces,
the campfire, the stars overhead.
7
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No witnesses.
8
00:00:47,447 --> 00:00:50,439
Is there a point to this, Roger?
9
00:00:50,487 --> 00:00:55,766
I've been looking to the old west for inspiration
on how to lead the simple life,
10
00:00:55,807 --> 00:00:59,720
and that's what I will be leading,
now they've put the rent up on this place.
11
00:00:59,767 --> 00:01:01,723
What? It's only 15%.
12
00:01:01,767 --> 00:01:07,285
Well, that may not be much to a big city slicker
like you, but I'm just a little old cowpoke.
13
00:01:07,327 --> 00:01:09,318
Among other things.
14
00:01:10,047 --> 00:01:12,880
You may have to move to a cheaper area.
15
00:01:12,927 --> 00:01:15,600
No, not if I do it the cowboy way.
16
00:01:15,647 --> 00:01:21,119
It'll be like a cattle drive,
only replace cattle with economy.
17
00:01:21,167 --> 00:01:24,159
Roger, this is a crisis!
You're on the gallows, right?
18
00:01:24,207 --> 00:01:27,563
And Clint Eastwood is not around
to shoot through the rope.
19
00:01:27,607 --> 00:01:31,839
Ben, don't you think
you're taking this cowboy thing a bit far?
20
00:01:31,887 --> 00:01:36,244
Besides, all I have to do
is make some small lifestyle adjustments.
21
00:01:36,287 --> 00:01:40,405
For instance, this sandwich, no filling.
22
00:01:40,447 --> 00:01:43,644
That is a saving of 30 pence.
23
00:01:44,567 --> 00:01:47,400
- It's good, isn't it?
- That is great, Roger.
24
00:01:47,447 --> 00:01:51,520
You'll be interested in the buy one get one free
offer at the supermarket.
25
00:01:51,567 --> 00:01:54,764
- Buy one get one free?
- Yeah. I think they call it BOGOF.
26
00:01:58,527 --> 00:02:00,916
- Socks.
- I beg your pardon?
27
00:02:00,967 --> 00:02:03,606
- Socks.
- Oh, right.
28
00:02:03,647 --> 00:02:07,526
I think they're... knitted woollen tubes
for keeping your feet warm,
29
00:02:07,567 --> 00:02:11,196
which 17-year-olds
should be able to identify for themselves.
30
00:02:11,247 --> 00:02:13,715
17-year-olds have better things to do.
31
00:02:13,767 --> 00:02:16,440
- Oh, and I don't?
- Well, do you?
32
00:02:16,487 --> 00:02:19,957
- Your father and I are having an early night.
- I thought not.
33
00:02:20,007 --> 00:02:24,637
I'm meeting up with the guys.
Going to tag a few bridges down by the river.
34
00:02:24,687 --> 00:02:29,044
Oh, why didn't you say?
In that case, find your own damn socks.
35
00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:32,558
Oh! Cha! Brr!
36
00:02:32,607 --> 00:02:36,316
Brr! Oooh! Oh! Oh! Brr!
37
00:02:38,087 --> 00:02:40,078
Hah! Shoo! Whooh!
38
00:02:40,127 --> 00:02:42,516
Ben, I spent hours doing that.
39
00:02:43,407 --> 00:02:45,398
Thank you very much.
40
00:02:48,487 --> 00:02:50,478
Every day seems the same.
41
00:02:50,527 --> 00:02:53,564
I spend my time hunting socks, making beds...
42
00:02:54,487 --> 00:02:57,320
My last bit of excitement
was you blowing a gasket
43
00:02:57,367 --> 00:03:00,643
when you found your Dire Straits CD
in my folk section.
44
00:03:02,447 --> 00:03:06,042
- Even our arguments are predictable.
- They are not.
45
00:03:06,087 --> 00:03:08,078
You see?
46
00:03:08,127 --> 00:03:11,005
I never let myself be wild and spontaneous.
47
00:03:11,047 --> 00:03:14,483
- Plenty of time for that, baby.
- I'm serious, Ben.
48
00:03:16,367 --> 00:03:22,124
It feels like I've been married forever.
My life's become so dull, so monotonous.
49
00:03:22,167 --> 00:03:24,681
So dull.
50
00:03:24,727 --> 00:03:26,718
Maybe you could...
51
00:03:27,767 --> 00:03:30,440
sort of vary the time you make the bed.
52
00:03:30,487 --> 00:03:32,717
I can vary the length of your life.
53
00:03:34,207 --> 00:03:37,677
I need to redefine myself
as something other than wife and a mother.
54
00:03:37,727 --> 00:03:39,718
How about clinically insane?
55
00:03:39,767 --> 00:03:42,998
I mean, look at Janey. She's so unpredictable.
56
00:03:43,047 --> 00:03:46,722
She was meant to spend the evening with me,
then she let me down.
57
00:03:46,767 --> 00:03:48,758
Who would have seen that coming?
58
00:03:48,807 --> 00:03:51,002
So thoughtless, so impulsive...
59
00:03:52,687 --> 00:03:55,997
It's wonderful.
I wish I could live my life like that.
60
00:03:56,047 --> 00:03:59,005
You're wanting to swap lives with her, then.
61
00:04:00,087 --> 00:04:03,397
- That's it, Ben! That's brilliant!
- No, it isn't. I'm an idiot.
62
00:04:03,447 --> 00:04:07,042
A house swap with Janey for a week,
living like a single woman.
63
00:04:07,087 --> 00:04:10,079
Are you mad? You know how tiny her flat is.
64
00:04:11,087 --> 00:04:15,126
I could just lock you in the wardrobe
for a week. I might just do that anyway.
65
00:04:15,167 --> 00:04:18,796
I want to live out all the single,
reckless experiences I never had.
66
00:04:18,847 --> 00:04:21,964
I want to be able to mix up Dire Straits
with Joni Mitchell.
67
00:04:22,007 --> 00:04:25,204
In fact, I want to organise my CDs by colour.
68
00:04:25,247 --> 00:04:27,238
How dare you?
69
00:04:28,007 --> 00:04:30,316
Anyway, Susan, you are not single.
70
00:04:30,367 --> 00:04:33,200
Married people have to compromise.
71
00:04:33,247 --> 00:04:37,320
Oh, Ben, thank you.
I couldn't have done it without your blessing.
72
00:04:42,327 --> 00:04:44,318
Mor...
73
00:04:46,727 --> 00:04:49,082
- No breakfast?
- Not today.
74
00:04:49,127 --> 00:04:51,118
But it's Sunday.
75
00:04:51,167 --> 00:04:53,840
We always have
coffee and croissants on Sunday.
76
00:04:53,887 --> 00:04:57,197
Since we've been married,
we've had croissants on Sunday,
77
00:04:57,247 --> 00:05:00,922
but as of today, I'm officially single.
78
00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:04,039
But it's morning.
You're supposed to have forgotten it.
79
00:05:04,087 --> 00:05:08,842
Sorry, Ben. It's all arranged. Janey will be here
any minute to start our life swap.
80
00:05:08,887 --> 00:05:11,401
- She agreed?
- Yes.
81
00:05:11,447 --> 00:05:14,245
That's how we impulsive people do things.
82
00:05:14,287 --> 00:05:16,278
All right.
83
00:05:17,727 --> 00:05:20,241
If we're not officially married this week,
84
00:05:20,287 --> 00:05:23,962
you won't mind if I take my coffee and croissant
up to bed with me.
85
00:05:24,007 --> 00:05:25,998
- It's up to you.
- Really?
86
00:05:26,047 --> 00:05:31,838
Oh, good. And I'll drop flaky bits of pastry
into the clean sheets.
87
00:05:31,887 --> 00:05:33,878
(Spluttering)
88
00:05:33,927 --> 00:05:39,001
I'll leave a big, damp coffee cup ring
on the bedside table.
89
00:05:40,527 --> 00:05:43,644
- It's your choice, Ben.
- My choice? Oh, good.
90
00:05:43,687 --> 00:05:46,724
- This experiment's going to be fun.
- (Door opening)
91
00:05:46,767 --> 00:05:49,565
- Aha! That'll be Janey.
- Or maybe not.
92
00:05:50,687 --> 00:05:53,440
Let's get this show on the road.
93
00:05:53,487 --> 00:05:57,196
- Car keys, please.
- Oh, ah...
94
00:05:57,247 --> 00:06:01,160
I don't remember you having a car
when we first met.
95
00:06:01,207 --> 00:06:03,402
Oh, yeah, I did. Mm.
96
00:06:05,727 --> 00:06:08,161
- Hi.
- Hi, Janey. No Kenzo?
97
00:06:08,207 --> 00:06:11,199
Maxine's got him.
She needs a supply of clean urine.
98
00:06:12,207 --> 00:06:15,324
- What?
- Janey, this is going to be so much fun.
99
00:06:15,367 --> 00:06:19,042
- I can be you and you can be me.
- Yeah. Where's the emergency money?
100
00:06:19,087 --> 00:06:21,726
- On top of the fridge.
- Don't tell her!
101
00:06:21,767 --> 00:06:25,601
All right. There's not going to be an emergency.
Is there, Janey?
102
00:06:25,647 --> 00:06:27,638
No, which is why I can spend it.
103
00:06:28,727 --> 00:06:30,718
Well, that's me off, then.
104
00:06:37,167 --> 00:06:39,158
Enjoy the kids.
105
00:06:39,647 --> 00:06:43,117
- Bye.
- What? What the hell's got into your mother?
106
00:06:43,167 --> 00:06:45,158
- Life swap?
- I know.
107
00:06:45,207 --> 00:06:47,721
- She's crazy.
- You're going along with it.
108
00:06:47,767 --> 00:06:52,238
I mean crazy to swap this for my spider hole.
What was she thinking?
109
00:06:52,287 --> 00:06:55,996
So you're not really taking over
your mother's role, then?
110
00:06:56,047 --> 00:07:00,325
Of course not.
You are, and I believe today is laundry day.
111
00:07:00,367 --> 00:07:02,358
No, Sunday. Sunday. It's...
112
00:07:02,407 --> 00:07:05,444
It's, er... It's sacred.
113
00:07:05,487 --> 00:07:08,843
- Where's Mum? I've run out of socks.
- Dad'll deal with it.
114
00:07:08,887 --> 00:07:11,526
No, you don't! I'm not standing for this!
115
00:07:11,567 --> 00:07:14,684
You're my daughter. You're my son.
I'm master of this house.
116
00:07:14,727 --> 00:07:16,877
I'm putting my foot down, and...
117
00:07:18,287 --> 00:07:20,278
checking into a hotel.
118
00:07:21,567 --> 00:07:25,480
Wow! Even I didn't expect him
to break that quickly.
119
00:07:35,607 --> 00:07:39,236
Good morning, sir. A room, is it?
120
00:07:39,287 --> 00:07:41,596
No. A sack of new potatoes, please.
121
00:07:42,927 --> 00:07:46,442
Oh, sarcasm. I shall enjoy you.
122
00:07:46,487 --> 00:07:48,478
We'll see.
123
00:07:48,527 --> 00:07:53,601
Now, I may stay for the week, but we'll start
with one night and see how we get on.
124
00:07:53,647 --> 00:07:57,640
No shame in booking just for the afternoon, sir.
We get that here all the time.
125
00:07:58,887 --> 00:08:03,403
- No, really, I want to stay for the week.
- I see. Feeling lucky.
126
00:08:05,567 --> 00:08:09,799
Now, we do have a couple of rooms available
for the week on the second floor.
127
00:08:09,847 --> 00:08:12,361
- Fine.
- Well, that'll be L200, please, sir.
128
00:08:12,407 --> 00:08:16,446
- And for one night?
- Yes, that is just for the one night, sir.
129
00:08:18,767 --> 00:08:22,476
- Could I think about it for a moment, please?
- Certainly.
130
00:08:23,287 --> 00:08:26,085
I'm sure she's worth it, sir.
131
00:08:27,087 --> 00:08:28,725
I've thought about it.
132
00:08:35,407 --> 00:08:38,046
Yeah. Yeah, I'll give this three stars.
133
00:08:43,487 --> 00:08:45,682
Single again.
134
00:08:45,727 --> 00:08:49,322
No husband, no responsibilities,
135
00:08:51,127 --> 00:08:53,766
I feel young. I feel invigorated.
136
00:08:54,607 --> 00:08:57,644
I feel... I can do anything.
137
00:08:59,607 --> 00:09:03,680
OK, just one rule -
keep out of my face and you'll be fine.
138
00:09:03,727 --> 00:09:07,766
So you're not planning to pick us off
one by one like in a horror movie?
139
00:09:07,807 --> 00:09:11,322
Don't be a nerd, Michael.
And what do you mean, "Us"?
140
00:09:12,087 --> 00:09:14,043
Hi, Janey.
141
00:09:14,087 --> 00:09:17,875
- You? What are you doing here?
- Pilates. You should try them.
142
00:09:17,927 --> 00:09:21,397
- Help with the stretchmarks.
- I don't have stretchmarks.
143
00:09:21,447 --> 00:09:24,723
- All right, wrinkles.
- Good one, Abi.
144
00:09:24,767 --> 00:09:28,999
Here, Michael, while I'm in this house,
no backchat, no loud music, no visitors.
145
00:09:29,047 --> 00:09:32,801
- I thought there was only one rule?
- I make the rules. Adapt or die.
146
00:09:32,847 --> 00:09:34,644
Die, please.
147
00:09:34,687 --> 00:09:38,441
You know, this life swap
might not be a bad idea after all.
148
00:09:39,527 --> 00:09:42,166
Yeah, this could be me in 15 years' time.
149
00:09:43,047 --> 00:09:45,038
Yeah, big house,
150
00:09:46,407 --> 00:09:48,398
servant,
151
00:09:48,447 --> 00:09:50,438
me as mother,
152
00:09:50,487 --> 00:09:52,478
and Michael, you can be Kenzo.
153
00:09:52,527 --> 00:09:57,237
Whatever.
You're not still breast-feeding, are you?
154
00:10:12,007 --> 00:10:14,475
This is ridiculous.
155
00:10:18,327 --> 00:10:20,318
(Phone ringing)
156
00:10:22,767 --> 00:10:25,520
Hello. Susan Riggs.
157
00:10:25,567 --> 00:10:29,560
- You're using your maiden name, are you?
- Who's speaking?
158
00:10:29,607 --> 00:10:31,598
This insanity has got to stop.
159
00:10:31,647 --> 00:10:34,923
Janey running rings around you already, is she?
160
00:10:35,687 --> 00:10:41,284
I wouldn't know. I'm not at home.
I'm in a lovely luxury hotel, and it's... lovely.
161
00:10:41,327 --> 00:10:43,318
A bit extravagant, isn't it?
162
00:10:43,367 --> 00:10:47,280
Maybe, when I was married with kids,
but now I'm single...
163
00:10:47,327 --> 00:10:49,795
I'm twice as single as you'll ever be.
164
00:10:50,767 --> 00:10:52,883
Er, sorry. Sorry, Susan.
165
00:10:52,927 --> 00:10:54,918
Come in.
166
00:10:54,967 --> 00:10:57,925
Oh, sorry. It's room service. Come in, mate.
167
00:10:57,967 --> 00:11:03,166
Ah, yeah, that's me, the crayfish terrine,
and the lavender creme brulée. Lovely.
168
00:11:03,207 --> 00:11:06,279
Oh, put it over there. That's it.
Oh, champagne?
169
00:11:06,327 --> 00:11:09,797
Put it by the four-poster.
Thank you so much. Bye-bye.
170
00:11:09,847 --> 00:11:14,079
- Sorry, Susan, where was I?
- In the surgery, by the sound of it.
171
00:11:14,127 --> 00:11:17,324
- How do you know?
- I can hear the fish.
172
00:11:18,447 --> 00:11:20,438
Good night, Ben.
173
00:11:20,487 --> 00:11:24,446
- Susan, can't we just call this whole thing off?
- No. It's only for a week.
174
00:11:24,487 --> 00:11:29,163
Look on the bright side. You can brush
your teeth without getting out of bed.
175
00:11:32,447 --> 00:11:37,441
Good afternoon. I represent Rontel Gas.
Could I speak to your daddy, please?
176
00:11:38,927 --> 00:11:41,964
- Daddy's moved out.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
177
00:11:42,007 --> 00:11:45,602
Chin up, lad, eh?
What about your mummy, then?
178
00:11:45,647 --> 00:11:48,480
Mummy's moved out too.
179
00:11:48,527 --> 00:11:52,122
More than sad. Look, could I speak
to the head of the household?
180
00:11:52,167 --> 00:11:54,283
Sure.
181
00:11:55,687 --> 00:11:57,803
Janey, it's for you.
182
00:12:00,647 --> 00:12:05,402
Don't let the nasty social services man
split us up again, Janey.
183
00:12:05,447 --> 00:12:07,597
- Can I help you?
- Good afternoon, madam.
184
00:12:07,647 --> 00:12:09,638
I'm from Rontel Gas.
185
00:12:09,687 --> 00:12:13,839
Oh, I'm sorry. My husband deals with
the utilities and he's at work at the moment.
186
00:12:13,887 --> 00:12:16,321
- All I need is your...
- Goodbye.
187
00:12:16,367 --> 00:12:18,358
That was easy.
188
00:12:18,407 --> 00:12:20,398
My husband...
189
00:12:20,447 --> 00:12:22,563
My husband.
190
00:12:22,607 --> 00:12:25,883
Nice to meet you.
I'd like you to meet my husband.
191
00:12:26,567 --> 00:12:28,956
Pleased to meet you. How do you do?
192
00:12:29,007 --> 00:12:32,795
Oh, God. I'm caught in a 3-D version
of the Stepford Wives.
193
00:12:32,847 --> 00:12:35,805
Excuse me,
I'm going to prepare Jonathan's supper.
194
00:12:36,527 --> 00:12:39,599
- Who's Jonathan?
- My husband.
195
00:12:40,727 --> 00:12:42,718
Your daddy.
196
00:12:46,367 --> 00:12:48,835
(Screaming)
197
00:12:48,887 --> 00:12:51,720
Oh, my God... (Coughing)
198
00:12:53,607 --> 00:12:55,598
Oh, ah...
199
00:12:56,927 --> 00:12:58,918
Morning, ladies.
200
00:12:58,967 --> 00:13:02,642
- No! Mr Harper!
- Oh, did I frighten you, Bella?
201
00:13:02,687 --> 00:13:06,043
I nearly had a heart attack,
and Jessica's a nervous patient.
202
00:13:06,087 --> 00:13:08,999
That's why I'm dressed like this,
less threatening.
203
00:13:09,047 --> 00:13:11,607
Then perhaps you'd better do up your gown?
204
00:13:18,727 --> 00:13:21,685
Oh, look at this. I've been looking for this.
205
00:13:21,727 --> 00:13:24,480
Right, nice and warm for you, Jessica. Hop on.
206
00:13:29,767 --> 00:13:31,758
Er... look, Bella...
207
00:13:31,807 --> 00:13:33,798
Yes, Mr Harper?
208
00:13:33,847 --> 00:13:36,486
You're fired.
209
00:13:36,527 --> 00:13:38,518
Pervert!
210
00:13:43,807 --> 00:13:48,961
Wow! You look... odd.
What happened to your hair?
211
00:13:49,007 --> 00:13:52,238
A wife should make an effort
to look nice for her husband.
212
00:13:52,287 --> 00:13:54,676
I don't want to look like I've been scrubbing.
213
00:13:54,727 --> 00:13:57,036
You haven't been. I've done it all.
214
00:13:59,007 --> 00:14:03,080
There, Kenzo. Nice and smart for Daddy.
215
00:14:03,127 --> 00:14:06,597
If I was smart,
I'd have run away with the circus by now.
216
00:14:07,487 --> 00:14:09,921
That's enough lip from you, little man,
217
00:14:09,967 --> 00:14:13,676
or, when Jonathan gets home,
he'll show you the back of his hand.
218
00:14:13,727 --> 00:14:18,118
He'll have to wrap it in bandages, won't he?
Else, how will I see it?
219
00:14:19,167 --> 00:14:22,637
- Abi, can you keep a secret?
- Oh, yeah!
220
00:14:22,687 --> 00:14:25,838
- I never told about Mikey's vandalism charge.
- (Mikey) Hey!
221
00:14:27,687 --> 00:14:31,965
The thing is,
Jonathan didn't come home last night.
222
00:14:33,567 --> 00:14:36,479
I feel so... humiliated.
223
00:14:39,847 --> 00:14:42,361
Don't worry, Janey.
224
00:14:42,407 --> 00:14:45,160
I had a fantasy man for about a year.
225
00:14:45,207 --> 00:14:47,596
They always leave you.
226
00:14:47,647 --> 00:14:49,638
The sex is great, though.
227
00:14:56,127 --> 00:14:59,802
Oh, right, OK, Mr Gent, all finished.
Up you come.
228
00:14:59,847 --> 00:15:02,566
I'll see you in six months.
229
00:15:03,327 --> 00:15:05,318
Oh, make that nine months.
230
00:15:13,807 --> 00:15:15,798
Howdy, pardner.
231
00:15:15,847 --> 00:15:18,407
Another long day sets over the corral.
232
00:15:19,247 --> 00:15:22,205
Ooh! Designer stubble. Very gringo.
233
00:15:23,687 --> 00:15:25,962
Well, that's me off, then, Ben,
234
00:15:26,727 --> 00:15:29,287
back to my budget beans on toast.
235
00:15:32,287 --> 00:15:35,757
- Have you seen Shane?
- Right, I really must get going.
236
00:15:36,687 --> 00:15:40,362
- Great. I can walk out with you.
- Ohhh...
237
00:15:40,407 --> 00:15:41,476
...K.
238
00:15:41,527 --> 00:15:44,405
We'll be like Butch Cassidy
and the Sundance Kid,
239
00:15:44,447 --> 00:15:46,881
when they blast their way out of the barn. Pow!
240
00:15:46,927 --> 00:15:49,725
Yup. I'll be right behind you, Roger. Bye.
241
00:15:50,847 --> 00:15:52,838
(Roger) Adios, compadre.
242
00:15:54,407 --> 00:15:56,398
(Phone ringing)
243
00:15:59,407 --> 00:16:01,637
Hello?
244
00:16:01,687 --> 00:16:03,996
No. Janey's not here at the moment.
245
00:16:04,047 --> 00:16:06,038
Me?
246
00:16:06,087 --> 00:16:08,396
I'm Janey's... sister.
247
00:16:09,007 --> 00:16:13,000
So, what are you girls up to tonight?
248
00:16:15,087 --> 00:16:18,204
Uh-huh. Oh, that's... cool.
249
00:16:19,167 --> 00:16:20,998
Sounds mega.
250
00:16:22,127 --> 00:16:24,118
What makes you think I'm her mother?
251
00:16:26,327 --> 00:16:30,081
♪ Kept thinking I could never livewithout you by my side
252
00:16:30,567 --> 00:16:34,640
♪ But then I spent so many nightsthinking how you did me wrong
253
00:16:34,687 --> 00:16:36,564
♪ And I grew strong
254
00:16:36,607 --> 00:16:38,598
♪ And I learned how to get along
255
00:16:38,647 --> 00:16:42,117
♪ And so, you're back, from outer space
256
00:16:42,967 --> 00:16:47,085
# I just walked in to find you herewith that sad look upon your face... #
257
00:16:48,047 --> 00:16:52,325
Parents' evening?
Come on, Helen, not you as well?
258
00:16:52,367 --> 00:16:54,358
How many parents do they need?
259
00:16:55,207 --> 00:16:57,198
Let's party.
260
00:16:57,247 --> 00:16:59,807
I can't have fun being single on my own.
261
00:17:01,567 --> 00:17:03,717
♪ Cos you're not welcome any more
262
00:17:04,847 --> 00:17:08,157
♪ Weren't you the onewho tried to hurt me with goodbye?
263
00:17:08,207 --> 00:17:10,641
♪ Did you think I'd crumble? ♪
264
00:17:10,687 --> 00:17:12,678
Bon appétit, Susan.
265
00:17:12,727 --> 00:17:15,241
♪ Oh, no, not I, I will survive
266
00:17:16,527 --> 00:17:18,518
Bon appétit, Ben.
267
00:17:18,567 --> 00:17:20,762
♪ As long as I know how to love,I know I'll stay alive
268
00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:22,877
♪ I've got all my life to live... ♪
269
00:17:22,927 --> 00:17:25,077
I don't even like my own cooking.
270
00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:27,880
# And I'll survive, I will survive... #
271
00:17:27,927 --> 00:17:30,316
Yeah. You should see this place now,
272
00:17:30,367 --> 00:17:33,723
a real lad's pad,
all leather and chrome gadgets.
273
00:17:33,767 --> 00:17:37,077
It's a dentist's surgery.
It's always been leather and chrome.
274
00:17:37,127 --> 00:17:39,322
(Vacuum cleaner)
275
00:17:39,367 --> 00:17:42,882
- What's that noise?
- It's Formula One on the telly.
276
00:17:42,927 --> 00:17:46,203
Vince, Vince, turn it down. It's my wife.
277
00:17:46,247 --> 00:17:48,886
Who's Vince?
278
00:17:48,927 --> 00:17:51,395
- Have you got someone there?
- Yeah.
279
00:17:51,447 --> 00:17:55,042
A few of the lads popped over to see the game,
sink a few cool ales.
280
00:17:55,087 --> 00:17:57,078
He's the cleaner, isn't he?
281
00:17:57,127 --> 00:17:59,118
Yep.
282
00:17:59,167 --> 00:18:01,237
So you've got no friends round?
283
00:18:01,287 --> 00:18:05,041
- I don't need friends to have a good time.
- Neither do I.
284
00:18:05,767 --> 00:18:10,397
Oh, Ben, this thing was supposed to be fun,
but it's not. It's dull.
285
00:18:10,447 --> 00:18:12,438
Dull, dull, dull.
286
00:18:13,287 --> 00:18:15,278
I miss you all.
287
00:18:15,327 --> 00:18:18,683
Do you know,
I accidentally cooked a meal for six.
288
00:18:21,447 --> 00:18:23,438
I hate being single.
289
00:18:24,447 --> 00:18:27,996
Does this mean
you're giving up your ludicrous experiment?
290
00:18:28,047 --> 00:18:31,039
No. We're on to phase two.
291
00:18:31,807 --> 00:18:35,083
- Oh, God.
- You and me getting together.
292
00:18:35,127 --> 00:18:37,595
- We need to have a first date.
- What?
293
00:18:38,487 --> 00:18:41,285
You're single. I'm single.
294
00:18:44,327 --> 00:18:48,366
- Susie Riggs, are you asking me out?
- Yes.
295
00:18:48,407 --> 00:18:50,762
Sorry, love. Washing my hair.
296
00:18:55,127 --> 00:19:00,679
- Oh, Roger, tell me I'm dreaming!
- Oh, Ben, please tell me I'm not dreaming.
297
00:19:00,727 --> 00:19:03,844
- Don't tell me you're?
- Yeah, living upstairs.
298
00:19:03,887 --> 00:19:07,323
- I want to get my rent's worth.
- But I see you leave every night.
299
00:19:07,367 --> 00:19:10,837
That's the clever part.
I hide round the corner for an hour,
300
00:19:10,887 --> 00:19:16,086
then creep back in through the fire escape
and then belly crawl past your door.
301
00:19:16,127 --> 00:19:19,836
Which was the clever part?
Why didn't you just tell me?
302
00:19:19,887 --> 00:19:23,118
I didn't want you to think
I was some sort of loser.
303
00:19:24,167 --> 00:19:28,558
But now that you're living here as well,
we're not losers, are we?
304
00:19:28,607 --> 00:19:31,883
We're winners. Yippee-kai-yay!
305
00:19:31,927 --> 00:19:37,559
We can bunk down together every night
and spin yarns round the campfire.
306
00:19:37,607 --> 00:19:40,075
Sorry, Roger.
307
00:19:40,127 --> 00:19:42,118
I've got a date.
308
00:19:49,567 --> 00:19:52,320
Michael... I mean Kenzo...
309
00:19:52,367 --> 00:19:57,395
- You haven't been out spraying graffiti again?
- No, Mum... I mean, Janey.
310
00:19:57,447 --> 00:19:59,642
I've been correcting spelling mistakes.
311
00:19:59,687 --> 00:20:02,520
I ask you, chilling without the G.
312
00:20:02,567 --> 00:20:05,525
You know, I blame your father for this.
313
00:20:06,367 --> 00:20:09,564
Which one,
the absent one or the invisible one?
314
00:20:09,607 --> 00:20:11,916
They're all the same.
315
00:20:11,967 --> 00:20:16,279
Everything's fine,
and then he starts complaining of stress,
316
00:20:16,327 --> 00:20:20,559
and one night, he's not at the office party
like he said, no, no.
317
00:20:20,607 --> 00:20:23,997
He's at a Travelodge off the M6 with Rhonda
from personnel.
318
00:20:26,887 --> 00:20:28,957
Have you been sniffing my cans?
319
00:20:30,327 --> 00:20:32,318
Well, if he can do it,
320
00:20:32,367 --> 00:20:34,358
I can do it.
321
00:20:37,047 --> 00:20:39,356
I'm having an affair.
322
00:20:39,407 --> 00:20:41,398
(Sobbing)
323
00:20:47,367 --> 00:20:51,519
Well, well... Susie Riggs.
324
00:20:54,247 --> 00:20:58,206
- Mum and Dad in?
- Why don't you come in and find out?
325
00:21:01,287 --> 00:21:03,278
- Here.
- What's this?
326
00:21:03,327 --> 00:21:05,318
An itinerary.
327
00:21:05,367 --> 00:21:07,403
For a date?
328
00:21:07,447 --> 00:21:10,803
I like to think of it
more as a dramatic reconstruction.
329
00:21:10,847 --> 00:21:13,725
We have to recreate our first date to the letter.
330
00:21:13,767 --> 00:21:17,919
- Oh, let's jump to Z for zowie!
- No, no. Don't try to rush things.
331
00:21:17,967 --> 00:21:21,880
- I'm behaving like I did on our first date.
- What sort of girl do you think I am?
332
00:21:21,927 --> 00:21:24,566
know what sort of girl you are. I married you.
333
00:21:24,607 --> 00:21:29,556
Not yet. We're sticking to the schedule.
You booked us a table for 8:30.
334
00:21:29,607 --> 00:21:31,598
Oh, really?
335
00:21:31,647 --> 00:21:33,638
Did I book it? Yes, I...
336
00:21:33,687 --> 00:21:37,282
What's this? 10:45pm, Ben pays for meal?
337
00:21:37,327 --> 00:21:40,125
Yes, just like you did on our first date.
338
00:21:40,167 --> 00:21:43,955
Only trying to get lucky. Let's see if I did.
339
00:21:44,007 --> 00:21:45,725
I left that line blank.
340
00:21:45,767 --> 00:21:49,646
Let the insanity begin.
It had better not be expensive.
341
00:21:49,687 --> 00:21:53,202
I can't believe
you're being a cheapskate on our first date.
342
00:21:53,247 --> 00:21:55,556
Wait till you get to know me better.
343
00:21:55,607 --> 00:21:58,405
Oh, and by the way, I don't want kids.
344
00:22:07,607 --> 00:22:09,598
Oh, Ben, it's perfect.
345
00:22:09,647 --> 00:22:11,877
It hasn't changed in 27 years.
346
00:22:11,927 --> 00:22:14,077
Not that we've been here before.
347
00:22:15,767 --> 00:22:20,636
Look, even the plastic lobster's still there.
Not that I've seen it before.
348
00:22:20,687 --> 00:22:22,678
Cut it out, Susan.
349
00:22:22,727 --> 00:22:24,718
Not that I know you that well.
350
00:22:24,767 --> 00:22:26,758
That's the spirit.
351
00:22:26,807 --> 00:22:32,165
You remember Gino, the maitre d' who used
to whistle Volare, with the tight buns?
352
00:22:32,207 --> 00:22:34,198
They were bread sticks.
353
00:22:34,247 --> 00:22:37,444
Anyway, he'll be long gone.
354
00:22:37,487 --> 00:22:42,038
Which is a relief, after the embarrassing scene
you made about the spaghetti.
355
00:22:42,087 --> 00:22:45,284
- It was tagliatelle.
- I think you'll find it wasn't.
356
00:22:45,327 --> 00:22:48,125
Anyway, even if he was here,
he wouldn't remember us.
357
00:22:49,887 --> 00:22:51,878
You!
358
00:22:52,647 --> 00:22:54,638
I surprised you are still together.
359
00:22:54,687 --> 00:23:01,399
Constantly bickering. Che casino!
That thing with the tagliatelle...
360
00:23:02,447 --> 00:23:04,881
What do you mean? This is our first date.
361
00:23:04,927 --> 00:23:08,715
- Whatever you want to believe, Signora.
- Signorina.
362
00:23:08,767 --> 00:23:12,203
As I say, whatever you want to believe.
363
00:23:12,247 --> 00:23:14,238
This way, please.
364
00:23:15,007 --> 00:23:16,998
(# Whistling Volare)
365
00:23:20,647 --> 00:23:22,638
Your table.
366
00:23:25,807 --> 00:23:30,756
Right, we'll have a bottle of merlot,
tagliatelle con funghi, lasagne for the lady.
367
00:23:30,807 --> 00:23:32,957
Ben, don't be so presumptuous.
368
00:23:33,687 --> 00:23:37,475
- OK. What would you like, darling?
- Could I have a few more minutes?
369
00:23:37,527 --> 00:23:42,203
- Apart from that.
- I'll have the lasagne, please.
370
00:23:42,247 --> 00:23:45,523
- I said she'd have the lasagne.
- That's not the point.
371
00:23:45,567 --> 00:23:47,797
We have to behave as we did on our first date.
372
00:23:47,847 --> 00:23:50,281
I can assure you, madame, you are.
373
00:23:50,327 --> 00:23:52,318
Mademoiselle.
374
00:23:55,007 --> 00:23:56,998
Still tight.
375
00:23:57,047 --> 00:23:59,038
(Mobile ringing)
376
00:23:59,967 --> 00:24:01,958
- No. No.
- What?
377
00:24:02,007 --> 00:24:05,966
- Mobiles don't exist yet.
- (Ringing continues)
378
00:24:06,007 --> 00:24:09,522
- Then what's making that annoying noise?
- Apart from you?
379
00:24:10,727 --> 00:24:14,879
- No. Give it to me.
- Susan, stop it. You can't let the phone ring.
380
00:24:14,927 --> 00:24:17,122
- Stop it, Susan!
- Amore.
381
00:24:19,087 --> 00:24:20,406
Hello?
382
00:24:20,447 --> 00:24:23,644
- (Breaking glass)
- (Janey shrieking)
383
00:24:23,687 --> 00:24:25,962
Dad, things are getting weird.
384
00:24:37,007 --> 00:24:39,202
So, what was the big emergency?
385
00:24:39,247 --> 00:24:41,238
Nothing. All normal.
386
00:24:41,287 --> 00:24:43,881
Where's my drink? Gino!
387
00:24:43,927 --> 00:24:47,681
Ben, it says here
we go on to a club after dinner.
388
00:24:47,727 --> 00:24:49,797
Let's do it. The night is still young.
389
00:24:49,847 --> 00:24:53,317
- But we're not.
- Where's your sense of adventure?
390
00:24:53,367 --> 00:24:56,723
I'm not the one who brought an itinerary
on a date.
391
00:24:58,247 --> 00:25:00,363
- Right.
- What are you doing?
392
00:25:00,407 --> 00:25:03,205
Filling in that blank line,
and it's not looking good.
393
00:25:03,247 --> 00:25:07,684
- You can't rewrite history.
- Why not? I've got the pen.
394
00:25:08,527 --> 00:25:13,760
You know, you're so tied up with facts,
you've forgotten the feelings.
395
00:25:13,807 --> 00:25:17,004
No, I haven't.
They're itemised on the back page.
396
00:25:17,047 --> 00:25:19,720
No, no. Close your eyes.
397
00:25:19,767 --> 00:25:22,201
- What?
- Close your eyes.
398
00:25:24,247 --> 00:25:26,556
You're not going to run away, are you?
399
00:25:26,607 --> 00:25:29,804
I'm going to take you back to our first date.
Close your eyes.
400
00:25:29,847 --> 00:25:32,725
Remember,
it was nearing the end of the evening,
401
00:25:32,767 --> 00:25:35,281
and neither of us could bear to say good night.
402
00:25:35,327 --> 00:25:37,682
Yes.
403
00:25:37,727 --> 00:25:40,366
We were breathless with anticipation.
404
00:25:41,287 --> 00:25:43,881
There was no moon at all,
405
00:25:43,927 --> 00:25:46,885
and we tiptoed ever so quietly.
406
00:25:46,927 --> 00:25:49,487
You were tearing at my tank top.
407
00:25:49,527 --> 00:25:51,518
Yes.
408
00:25:51,567 --> 00:25:55,606
And there we were, under the diplodocus
in the Natural History Museum.
409
00:25:59,167 --> 00:26:01,681
- I don't remember that.
- (Gino) You called, sir?
410
00:26:01,727 --> 00:26:04,605
- Not now!
- Oh, mamma mia! Mamma mia!
411
00:26:04,647 --> 00:26:07,115
- No, no. It wasn't there.
- It was there.
412
00:26:07,167 --> 00:26:09,840
No. The diplodocus,
I would have remembered that.
413
00:26:09,887 --> 00:26:12,082
But then, where?
414
00:26:12,127 --> 00:26:14,925
Oh, you're right. Now I remember.
415
00:26:16,447 --> 00:26:19,917
It was on top of the bus shelter
in the Brompton Road.
416
00:26:21,607 --> 00:26:23,598
It still wasn't me.
417
00:26:27,247 --> 00:26:29,238
Oh, Ben! (Laughing)
418
00:26:31,007 --> 00:26:34,920
- Well, I'm glad you find this so funny.
- Come on, Ben. It is a bit funny.
419
00:26:37,727 --> 00:26:39,638
- You know what this means?
- Yeah.
420
00:26:39,687 --> 00:26:43,282
Somebody else can stump up for the meal.
Hello.
421
00:26:43,327 --> 00:26:47,843
For all this time, I've been trying to live out
the reckless single lifestyle I never had
422
00:26:47,887 --> 00:26:50,720
when all the time, I've already had it.
423
00:26:52,367 --> 00:26:56,599
- At least twice.
- No, I think it was more than that.
424
00:26:56,647 --> 00:26:58,603
OK. OK. I get the picture.
425
00:26:59,807 --> 00:27:03,846
But now, I'm prepared to be dull
and predictable with you.
426
00:27:03,887 --> 00:27:06,082
Thank you.
427
00:27:06,127 --> 00:27:08,118
Except for one last thing.
428
00:27:09,927 --> 00:27:11,918
What's that?
429
00:27:12,647 --> 00:27:16,083
Confetti. We just got married.
430
00:27:16,127 --> 00:27:18,118
Hey, I still don't want kids.
431
00:27:22,807 --> 00:27:24,798
(Giggling)
432
00:27:24,847 --> 00:27:26,838
Well, that was a novelty.
433
00:27:26,887 --> 00:27:31,677
- I've never done it in an all-night bakery.
- Well, it is our wedding night.
434
00:27:31,727 --> 00:27:33,718
(Silence)
435
00:27:37,607 --> 00:27:39,598
What's Janey doing?
436
00:27:39,647 --> 00:27:43,879
She's at the fantasy solicitor's,
getting a fantasy divorce.
437
00:27:45,367 --> 00:27:47,358
Is she OK?
438
00:27:47,407 --> 00:27:49,637
She's just got to work it through.
439
00:27:51,047 --> 00:27:52,958
- Yes!
- What?
440
00:27:53,007 --> 00:27:55,123
I got the house.
441
00:28:01,047 --> 00:28:05,404
If it's any consolation,
I'm glad it wasn't you under the diplodocus.
442
00:28:05,447 --> 00:28:07,836
- Oh, yeah?
- You weren't very good.
443
00:28:08,927 --> 00:28:10,918
Or on top of the bus shelter.
444
00:28:10,967 --> 00:28:15,006
- You were rubbish both times.
- Well, it's a knack.
445
00:28:17,407 --> 00:28:20,683
Who was it, then? Who liked dinosaurs?
446
00:28:22,007 --> 00:28:23,998
Finn? No.
447
00:28:25,367 --> 00:28:28,006
That was the penguin pool at London Zoo.
36160
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