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1
00:00:17,487 --> 00:00:19,478
(Sighing)
2
00:00:24,327 --> 00:00:26,318
(Sighing)
3
00:00:30,327 --> 00:00:32,318
(Sighing)
4
00:00:36,247 --> 00:00:38,602
- Well?
- Well what?
5
00:00:39,447 --> 00:00:42,200
Aren't you going to ask me what the matter is?
6
00:00:42,247 --> 00:00:44,522
- No.
- Why not?
7
00:00:44,567 --> 00:00:48,958
Because then you'll tell me
and I'll have to show I'm interested,
8
00:00:50,167 --> 00:00:53,603
and the bloke in my book is about to get killed.
9
00:00:53,647 --> 00:00:57,083
Believe me,
it won't just be the bloke in your book.
10
00:01:04,967 --> 00:01:08,960
My employers are about to be taken over
by another company.
11
00:01:09,007 --> 00:01:12,124
- I won't bore you with the details.
- Too late.
12
00:01:12,167 --> 00:01:16,524
But with everything changing,
now might be a good time to quit.
13
00:01:16,567 --> 00:01:18,603
- Mm-hm.
- And do something else.
14
00:01:18,647 --> 00:01:21,400
- Like... like what?
- Oh, I don't know.
15
00:01:21,447 --> 00:01:23,438
Gardener.
16
00:01:23,487 --> 00:01:25,318
Novelist.
17
00:01:25,367 --> 00:01:28,279
- Chef.
- (Chuckling)
18
00:01:31,487 --> 00:01:37,164
- I don't see what's so funny about chef.
- I was laughing at gardener. Did you say chef?
19
00:01:37,207 --> 00:01:41,837
Why don't I do both? I could cook you
and bury you in the flower bed.
20
00:01:41,887 --> 00:01:44,003
Good to have a dream.
21
00:01:44,607 --> 00:01:46,598
It's all right for you.
22
00:01:46,647 --> 00:01:52,085
As soon as you realised you'd never be
a doctor, dentistry was an obvious choice.
23
00:01:53,967 --> 00:01:57,243
- What?
- And how hard is it to be a dentist anyway?
24
00:01:57,287 --> 00:02:01,121
"Good morning. What seems to be the trouble?
Oh, it's your teeth."
25
00:02:02,687 --> 00:02:07,044
Sometimes, it's their gums.
Anyway, we're not discussing my career.
26
00:02:07,087 --> 00:02:10,045
- We're discussing yours.
- Sorry.
27
00:02:10,087 --> 00:02:13,796
- Are you saying I'm a failed doctor?
- We're not discussing your career.
28
00:02:13,847 --> 00:02:18,318
- We're discussing mine.
- It's bad enough having to deal with patients.
29
00:02:18,367 --> 00:02:22,406
- You'd prefer to work without any patients?
- It's that much easier, isn't it?
30
00:02:22,447 --> 00:02:26,804
Count yourself lucky you can do a job,
albeit your second choice.
31
00:02:27,607 --> 00:02:30,599
- I'm not even good at mine.
- Oh, come on, of course you are.
32
00:02:30,647 --> 00:02:33,115
You are a fantastic tour guide.
33
00:02:34,207 --> 00:02:36,198
- I am, aren't I?
- Yes.
34
00:02:38,007 --> 00:02:42,478
Not many people know that Cromwell
had Charles the First executed in 1549.
35
00:02:44,807 --> 00:02:46,798
1649.
36
00:02:48,127 --> 00:02:52,405
- What?
- Charles the First was executed in 1649.
37
00:02:56,607 --> 00:02:58,802
Read your book.
38
00:03:00,007 --> 00:03:05,843
That sounds great, but I can't agree without
seeing a script, even if it's just a rough draft.
39
00:03:05,887 --> 00:03:09,516
Oh, you do? Great.
Well, can you fax it to my trailer? Great.
40
00:03:09,567 --> 00:03:11,558
OK. Talk to you later. Ta-ta.
41
00:03:13,247 --> 00:03:15,238
Colin Judd!
42
00:03:15,287 --> 00:03:17,755
Oh! I'm your biggest fan!
43
00:03:17,807 --> 00:03:19,798
Can... can I shake your hand?
44
00:03:19,847 --> 00:03:23,806
Oh, you were amazing in that film
when you played Walter Raleigh.
45
00:03:23,847 --> 00:03:26,441
- Drake.
- Walter Drake.
46
00:03:26,487 --> 00:03:30,480
And when you were Cornelius
in that other one, what was it called?
47
00:03:30,527 --> 00:03:33,997
- Chariots of... Chariots?
- Circus Maximus.
48
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:39,041
Oh, that's it.
And your modern-day Macbeth, oh, amazing!
49
00:03:42,847 --> 00:03:45,236
Are you all right, Roger? Trapped wind, is it?
50
00:03:47,327 --> 00:03:49,636
Colin Judd?
51
00:03:49,687 --> 00:03:51,837
Ben! Ben! Do you know who that is?
52
00:03:53,247 --> 00:03:55,807
- Colin Judd.
- That is Colin Judd.
53
00:03:56,687 --> 00:04:01,078
Very good, Roger. Tomorrow, we'll do colours,
or perhaps even shapes.
54
00:04:08,087 --> 00:04:10,078
So, Mr Judd...
55
00:04:15,127 --> 00:04:18,597
- What can I do for you?
- I chipped a tooth and it's affecting my work.
56
00:04:18,647 --> 00:04:21,684
Your work? What are you? A vampire?
57
00:04:21,727 --> 00:04:25,242
- No. I'm an actor.
- Oh, great.
58
00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:28,358
That's all I need.
59
00:04:28,407 --> 00:04:33,561
I thought I said no students and no actors?
I've got enough unpaid bills as it is.
60
00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:38,476
- I suspect I can pay my bills.
- Oh, a working actor? There's a rarity.
61
00:04:38,527 --> 00:04:41,405
- Anything I might have seen you in?
- One or two things.
62
00:04:41,447 --> 00:04:43,438
Open wide.
63
00:04:43,487 --> 00:04:46,047
Yes. Ever been in a Bond film?
64
00:04:46,927 --> 00:04:48,918
I do like a good action movie.
65
00:04:48,967 --> 00:04:54,644
These days, all we get is that historical stuff,
twazzocks in frilly shirts and britches.
66
00:04:54,687 --> 00:04:58,521
About the worst one was that, what was it?
Circus Maximus.
67
00:04:59,247 --> 00:05:04,162
My wife got it out once so she could swoon over
some overrated ponce in a toga.
68
00:05:04,207 --> 00:05:05,356
(Mumbling)
69
00:05:05,407 --> 00:05:08,524
It would be best
if you try not to speak, Mr Judd.
70
00:05:08,567 --> 00:05:13,687
Sorry to interrupt. I was wondering if I could
take this opportunity to get your autograph?
71
00:05:13,727 --> 00:05:15,126
Why?
72
00:05:15,167 --> 00:05:17,601
Why? Isn't it obvious?
73
00:05:17,647 --> 00:05:21,959
The man I aspire to be like,
the man whose work I see every chance I get.
74
00:05:22,007 --> 00:05:23,998
It would mean so much to me.
75
00:05:24,047 --> 00:05:26,766
All right. Give me the pen.
76
00:05:27,567 --> 00:05:29,797
- No. No, no. I meant Colin.
- Hmm?
77
00:05:29,847 --> 00:05:32,315
What do you want me to sign?
78
00:05:35,527 --> 00:05:37,518
What should I write?
79
00:05:37,567 --> 00:05:40,035
Just put, "Best wishes, Colin Judd."
80
00:05:46,447 --> 00:05:48,438
I will never wash again.
81
00:05:48,487 --> 00:05:50,478
Oh, thank you.
82
00:05:50,527 --> 00:05:54,645
Best of luck with everything.
Say hi to Catherine Zeta-Jones for me.
83
00:05:54,687 --> 00:05:59,317
- Oh, you know Catherine?
- No, but I've got a space for her on my thigh.
84
00:06:04,487 --> 00:06:07,843
Well... Colin Judd.
85
00:06:08,767 --> 00:06:11,520
What can I say? I'm such a fan.
86
00:06:14,767 --> 00:06:16,758
Lovely home.
87
00:06:17,367 --> 00:06:20,006
Anyway, it's going to take two more sessions,
88
00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:24,598
but I'll understand if you don't come back
cos I've slagged off every film you've been in.
89
00:06:24,647 --> 00:06:27,957
- No, you forgot The Good Die Young.
- Were you in that rubbish?
90
00:06:28,007 --> 00:06:29,998
- I'm afraid so.
- Loved it.
91
00:06:30,887 --> 00:06:34,323
- So, when do you want me back?
- You're coming back?
92
00:06:34,367 --> 00:06:37,279
It makes sense.
We are filming just around the corner.
93
00:06:37,327 --> 00:06:39,716
I like to use the little local tradesmen.
94
00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:42,440
Yeah, well, they don't come any littler than me.
95
00:06:42,487 --> 00:06:45,126
The studio wanted me to have the best,
but I said no.
96
00:06:45,167 --> 00:06:48,796
I want an ordinary dentist.
They're always much more grateful.
97
00:06:50,367 --> 00:06:53,279
- Thank you.
- I might recommend you to some friends.
98
00:06:53,327 --> 00:06:58,162
- Well, as long as it's not Russell Crowe!
- Look, I'll tell Russell to look elsewhere.
99
00:06:58,207 --> 00:07:02,405
By which I mean he's got perfect teeth already,
so he wouldn't need me.
100
00:07:03,327 --> 00:07:06,444
- How did that sound?
- You're getting better.
101
00:07:07,567 --> 00:07:10,206
- So, my appointment?
- Right. Yes, OK.
102
00:07:10,247 --> 00:07:15,037
Ah, tomorrow,
I've got Mr Johnson for his filling at two, so,
103
00:07:15,087 --> 00:07:17,237
see you at two.
104
00:07:20,327 --> 00:07:23,603
- You'll have to clear the table in a minute.
- OK.
105
00:07:23,647 --> 00:07:26,639
Mum, I'm trying to do my ancient history
coursework.
106
00:07:26,687 --> 00:07:30,600
- Why do you have to do it there?
- So I can see ancient history in action.
107
00:07:30,647 --> 00:07:33,878
- I had to ask.
- (Ben) I'm back!
108
00:07:33,927 --> 00:07:36,487
- He sounds cheerful.
- Hide.
109
00:07:41,447 --> 00:07:44,564
Oh, flowers. For me?
110
00:07:44,607 --> 00:07:46,484
But of course.
111
00:07:47,647 --> 00:07:50,605
- What's wrong with them?
- Nothing.
112
00:07:50,647 --> 00:07:53,684
- I was in a good mood, that's all.
- What's wrong with you?
113
00:07:53,727 --> 00:07:55,843
Nothing.
114
00:07:56,727 --> 00:07:58,957
OK. Who is she?
115
00:08:00,847 --> 00:08:03,520
- It's a he actually.
- I knew it!
116
00:08:03,567 --> 00:08:05,558
Repressed all these years.
117
00:08:05,607 --> 00:08:07,086
Damn.
118
00:08:08,127 --> 00:08:09,879
Thank you.
119
00:08:09,927 --> 00:08:11,918
I'm not seeing a man.
120
00:08:11,967 --> 00:08:17,439
I have a patient who is one of the nation's
finest actors of stage and screen.
121
00:08:17,487 --> 00:08:19,478
You've got Shane Richie!
122
00:08:22,487 --> 00:08:24,478
Colin Judd.
123
00:08:25,927 --> 00:08:29,283
- Colin Judd?
- The one you said needed a good slap?
124
00:08:29,327 --> 00:08:31,522
You can change your mind about someone
125
00:08:31,567 --> 00:08:33,558
for 300 quid a session.
126
00:08:34,327 --> 00:08:37,717
And these were the nicest flowers
you could get, were they?
127
00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:40,964
- What?
- Colin would have bought a huge bouquet.
128
00:08:41,007 --> 00:08:43,680
- Oh, here we go.
- Colin's a sensitive man.
129
00:08:43,727 --> 00:08:46,764
- Colin's an artist. Colin's...
- My foot in the door,
130
00:08:46,807 --> 00:08:49,924
my ticket to Harley Street and celebrity city.
131
00:08:49,967 --> 00:08:52,435
Then - ha! - who'll be a failed doctor?
132
00:08:52,487 --> 00:08:55,047
You will, Dad.
133
00:08:55,087 --> 00:08:58,841
Yes, but I'll be a failed doctor
with a cartload of dosh,
134
00:08:58,887 --> 00:09:02,721
and you, the love of my life,
can give up your job as a tour guide.
135
00:09:02,767 --> 00:09:05,327
I don't want to give up my job as a tour guide.
136
00:09:05,367 --> 00:09:08,962
What? Didn't you last night?
What? Did? What?
137
00:09:09,007 --> 00:09:12,283
That was last night.
This morning, I was sacked.
138
00:09:14,047 --> 00:09:16,038
- Sacked?
- So I want to stay.
139
00:09:18,647 --> 00:09:21,445
- What?
- How dare they sack me?
140
00:09:21,487 --> 00:09:24,763
I know, darling. How dare they?
I mean, it's all right. Just...
141
00:09:24,807 --> 00:09:28,595
Come on. Come on. Let it go and, erm...
142
00:09:28,647 --> 00:09:31,241
- (Mouths)
...and... move on.
143
00:09:31,287 --> 00:09:33,084
Move on...
144
00:09:33,127 --> 00:09:36,403
- (Mouths)
...to pastures new...
145
00:09:36,447 --> 00:09:39,245
- (Mouths)
...with all the cows.
146
00:09:42,007 --> 00:09:46,125
- So, what are you proposing to do, then?
- I'm going to reapply for my own job.
147
00:09:46,167 --> 00:09:50,558
Oh, you've been doing that job for years.
You'll walk the interview.
148
00:09:50,607 --> 00:09:53,201
- There's an exam.
- Ah.
149
00:09:53,247 --> 00:09:55,238
- What?
- What? Nothing.
150
00:09:56,127 --> 00:09:58,516
- You said, "Ah."
- Did I say, "Ah"?
151
00:09:58,567 --> 00:10:03,004
I was remembering what a patient said to me
this morning. He went, "Ah."
152
00:10:03,047 --> 00:10:06,562
- You think I'm stupid, don't you?
- I do not.
153
00:10:06,607 --> 00:10:09,167
I don't care what you think. I'll study hard.
154
00:10:09,207 --> 00:10:12,483
I'm going to pass the exam,
get the job, and then quit.
155
00:10:12,527 --> 00:10:14,518
OK.
156
00:10:15,847 --> 00:10:17,838
Now I think you're stupid.
157
00:10:22,047 --> 00:10:24,038
(Doorbell)
158
00:10:29,287 --> 00:10:32,085
I'm with the film crew.
They said to ask for Michael.
159
00:10:32,127 --> 00:10:34,118
- You want to use the toilet.
- Please.
160
00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:36,556
That'll be L5.
161
00:10:37,367 --> 00:10:39,562
Through there on your right.
162
00:10:39,607 --> 00:10:41,677
- Who was that?
- Nobody.
163
00:10:45,607 --> 00:10:48,075
- Oh...
- Ben.
164
00:10:48,127 --> 00:10:50,118
Sorry.
165
00:10:51,447 --> 00:10:53,756
Thank you for... dinner, darling.
166
00:10:55,967 --> 00:10:57,958
That's quite all right.
167
00:10:59,367 --> 00:11:02,882
I never knew
what lamb in orange squash tastes like.
168
00:11:04,607 --> 00:11:09,522
- I didn't have butternut squash. I improvised.
- Clever.
169
00:11:09,567 --> 00:11:11,956
- You can test me.
- Oh, come on. Do I have to?
170
00:11:12,007 --> 00:11:15,682
- Colin would test me.
- Do you have to go on about Colin?
171
00:11:15,727 --> 00:11:19,163
Colin wouldn't ask me
to stop going on about Colin.
172
00:11:19,207 --> 00:11:21,198
Give it here. I'll test you.
173
00:11:22,247 --> 00:11:24,238
OK, ask me anything.
174
00:11:24,287 --> 00:11:26,755
- OK.
- Anything in the first chapter.
175
00:11:29,367 --> 00:11:31,358
- Right.
- On that page.
176
00:11:32,687 --> 00:11:36,077
Right. Ah, in what year did Oliver Cromwell?
177
00:11:36,127 --> 00:11:38,118
You can't do Oliver Cromwell.
178
00:11:41,607 --> 00:11:43,996
- In what year?
- Can't do dates.
179
00:11:44,567 --> 00:11:48,480
You don't need me, darling.
You'll sail through this like Vasco da Gama.
180
00:11:48,527 --> 00:11:50,757
- Who?
- You don't know who Vasco da Gama was?
181
00:11:50,807 --> 00:11:55,119
Ben, when I give a tour,
it's all about the passions, the motivations,
182
00:11:55,167 --> 00:11:57,158
the broad sweep of destiny,
183
00:11:58,087 --> 00:12:03,002
not fiddly little things like dates,
names, places, people,
184
00:12:05,007 --> 00:12:06,998
events.
185
00:12:08,687 --> 00:12:11,485
- I'm beginning to see why they sacked you.
- (Doorbell)
186
00:12:11,527 --> 00:12:14,246
At least I never wanted to be a tour guide.
187
00:12:15,327 --> 00:12:17,124
Doc.
188
00:12:18,567 --> 00:12:21,127
- Toilet. L15.
- I've got an account.
189
00:12:21,167 --> 00:12:24,364
Well, you can use
the one in the master bedroom.
190
00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:32,767
Michael, you've got too much table.
191
00:12:32,807 --> 00:12:36,766
I'm trying to get decent qualifications
so I don't have to be a tour guide.
192
00:12:36,807 --> 00:12:39,116
I'm not applying to be a tour guide.
193
00:12:39,167 --> 00:12:44,241
My old job's now called
local information communications executive.
194
00:12:44,287 --> 00:12:48,678
- You mean a tour guide with a lower salary.
- Not necessarily.
195
00:12:48,727 --> 00:12:52,720
Come on. They always improve your job title
before cutting your pay.
196
00:12:52,767 --> 00:12:55,964
- Remember when I had a paper round?
- Oh, yes.
197
00:12:56,007 --> 00:12:58,646
Then they made you vice chairman of news.
198
00:12:58,687 --> 00:13:02,521
Schoolboy error.
I won't be making that mistake again.
199
00:13:03,367 --> 00:13:07,565
Michael, there was a strange man
in the bathroom this morning.
200
00:13:07,607 --> 00:13:09,757
- It's Dad.
- He had a beard.
201
00:13:09,807 --> 00:13:11,798
He'd not shaved yet.
202
00:13:11,847 --> 00:13:15,203
He said he was in a film crew
and you were renting out the bathroom.
203
00:13:15,247 --> 00:13:18,796
Dad says all kinds of crazy things
first thing in the morning.
204
00:13:18,847 --> 00:13:21,805
Morning all. What a wonderful day!
205
00:13:22,647 --> 00:13:23,796
See?
206
00:13:23,847 --> 00:13:27,044
Ben, only two things
could make you this happy,
207
00:13:27,087 --> 00:13:30,443
and it couldn't be the first one,
because I was too busy revising,
208
00:13:30,487 --> 00:13:33,285
so I'm assuming
you're going to make some money.
209
00:13:33,327 --> 00:13:38,879
While in the company of a much loved,
highly acclaimed and highly paid British actor.
210
00:13:38,927 --> 00:13:41,885
- You know, it's quicker to just say Colin Judd.
- Hm-hm.
211
00:13:41,927 --> 00:13:45,237
Well, I'll be thinking of you and Colin
while I study.
212
00:13:45,287 --> 00:13:48,120
- Mainly Colin.
- Right, time for breakfast.
213
00:13:48,167 --> 00:13:50,237
- Mikey, clear the table.
- No.
214
00:13:51,407 --> 00:13:53,875
- What?
- I need to hear the doorbell.
215
00:13:55,207 --> 00:13:57,243
It's for my history project.
216
00:13:57,287 --> 00:14:01,166
If you don't move 'em, I'll move 'em for you.
217
00:14:01,207 --> 00:14:03,323
So what's the incentive for me to move them?
218
00:14:03,367 --> 00:14:05,927
I'll throw them into the living room.
219
00:14:05,967 --> 00:14:08,117
- Now, this I'd like to see.
- Right.
220
00:14:08,167 --> 00:14:10,522
I warned you. OK.
221
00:14:10,567 --> 00:14:12,000
- Be careful.
- Ben.
222
00:14:17,127 --> 00:14:19,687
- Argh!
- Is it your back?
223
00:14:19,727 --> 00:14:21,763
No.
224
00:14:21,807 --> 00:14:24,002
I just enjoy walking like a monkey.
225
00:14:24,927 --> 00:14:28,840
- The worst thing you can do is move.
- Well, I'll just die here, then.
226
00:14:28,887 --> 00:14:33,563
You can unbend my skeleton, or better,
go and get me a round coffin.
227
00:14:33,607 --> 00:14:36,360
- Stand up straight.
- No, no, no. I read about this.
228
00:14:36,407 --> 00:14:38,398
You need to arch your back.
229
00:14:38,447 --> 00:14:40,438
- OK, then, arch your back.
- No! No!
230
00:14:40,487 --> 00:14:44,275
- (Cracking)
- Oh! (Whimpering)
231
00:14:44,327 --> 00:14:46,795
Oh, no. That's yoga, isn't it?
232
00:14:47,447 --> 00:14:50,007
- Come and lie down.
- I've got to get to work.
233
00:14:50,047 --> 00:14:54,837
- It's at times like this we really need a doctor.
- That's right, kick me when I'm down.
234
00:14:54,887 --> 00:14:58,357
- No, that's shiatsu.
- Oh! Argh!
235
00:14:58,407 --> 00:15:01,763
- Colin needs me!
- Don't worry. Roger can look after him.
236
00:15:01,807 --> 00:15:03,798
- Argh!
- Oh, did it twinge again?
237
00:15:03,847 --> 00:15:07,237
No. I'm thinking
about Roger nicking my ticket to Harley Street.
238
00:15:07,287 --> 00:15:12,077
Abi, keep hold of Ben. I'll call Roger,
an osteopath and a man with a gun.
239
00:15:12,847 --> 00:15:16,078
- I heard that.
- Hold it there, Dad.
240
00:15:16,127 --> 00:15:20,040
Oh, yes, here we go, another expert.
What do you know about backs?
241
00:15:20,087 --> 00:15:23,796
Nothing. You look like a victim of Pompeii.
I need to sketch you
242
00:15:27,807 --> 00:15:31,641
Hey, study buddy,
looking forward to working together?
243
00:15:40,847 --> 00:15:43,315
(Noisy whirring)
244
00:15:43,367 --> 00:15:46,325
- What are you doing?
- Sharpening a pencil.
245
00:15:46,367 --> 00:15:49,439
Sharp pencil, sharp mind.
246
00:15:57,247 --> 00:16:01,843
- Mum...
- Michael, please. I'm trying to work.
247
00:16:06,047 --> 00:16:08,402
Isn't this fun?
248
00:16:09,807 --> 00:16:11,798
Yes.
249
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:18,925
- (Ben) Oh! Oh!
- Ben, I'm trying to work.
250
00:16:26,007 --> 00:16:27,998
Get that book...
251
00:16:29,127 --> 00:16:31,118
Owww...
252
00:16:33,367 --> 00:16:35,437
Actually, that's much better.
253
00:16:42,327 --> 00:16:45,922
- Could I have a glass of water, please?
- No.
254
00:16:45,967 --> 00:16:47,958
(Ben) But I'm thirsty!
255
00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:52,762
I'm not due for a break for another...
five minutes.
256
00:16:52,807 --> 00:16:58,245
- You've only been working for two.
- I don't want to overdo things on my first day.
257
00:16:59,487 --> 00:17:04,845
If you have water, you'll need the toilet,
and I'm not helping you with your aim.
258
00:17:06,927 --> 00:17:09,805
- (Ben) Michael!
- No, Dad. Get it yourself.
259
00:17:16,487 --> 00:17:19,047
I just want a glass of water.
260
00:17:20,407 --> 00:17:22,557
- Right.
- And maybe a sandwich?
261
00:17:24,847 --> 00:17:28,476
Oh, great. I am in agony.
262
00:17:28,527 --> 00:17:31,485
I lose my best patient ever
to Roger bloody Bailey,
263
00:17:31,527 --> 00:17:34,280
and now I'm left to die of thirst
by my own family.
264
00:17:34,327 --> 00:17:36,318
How could things get worse?
265
00:17:36,367 --> 00:17:39,040
- It's me.
- That's how.
266
00:17:39,087 --> 00:17:42,796
- Is Dad drunk again?
- I wish.
267
00:17:45,367 --> 00:17:47,517
Back the way you came. Turn left.
268
00:17:54,127 --> 00:17:55,685
Another day over.
269
00:17:56,687 --> 00:17:59,918
About now, I'd be heading home
to relax on the sofa.
270
00:17:59,967 --> 00:18:02,117
- (Doorbell)
- Oh, that'll be Roger.
271
00:18:02,167 --> 00:18:06,922
Oh, great. What's he coming round for?
To gloat over his day, I expect.
272
00:18:06,967 --> 00:18:10,926
- What a wonderful day I've just had!
- It's not over yet.
273
00:18:12,207 --> 00:18:14,767
How's our brave little soldier?
274
00:18:14,807 --> 00:18:18,117
Because I feel so sorry
about the way things worked out,
275
00:18:18,167 --> 00:18:20,158
I've got a little present for you.
276
00:18:20,207 --> 00:18:23,005
- Oh, really? You're leaving dentistry?
- No.
277
00:18:24,487 --> 00:18:26,478
Muffins!
278
00:18:26,527 --> 00:18:28,518
So, how was Colin?
279
00:18:28,567 --> 00:18:30,558
Oh, an absolute delight.
280
00:18:30,607 --> 00:18:32,677
We got on like a house on fire.
281
00:18:32,727 --> 00:18:35,195
Ooh, now, that's an idea.
282
00:18:35,247 --> 00:18:38,000
- Agh! Roger!
- Colin insisted
283
00:18:38,047 --> 00:18:41,835
on taking me to this fantastic restaurant
where all the celebs hang out.
284
00:18:41,887 --> 00:18:46,438
We ended up having lunch
next door to Jude Law.
285
00:18:46,487 --> 00:18:48,955
- Jude Law?
- Wow!
286
00:18:49,007 --> 00:18:51,282
Anyhow, Jude needed to see a dentist,
287
00:18:51,327 --> 00:18:55,081
and he didn't have anything on that afternoon,
so he came round!
288
00:18:55,127 --> 00:18:57,516
Wow!
289
00:18:57,567 --> 00:19:00,445
Any other perks from stealing my patients?
290
00:19:01,247 --> 00:19:04,125
Yes. Two tickets to a studio party tonight.
291
00:19:04,167 --> 00:19:06,397
(Both) Wow!
292
00:19:06,447 --> 00:19:09,723
So, er, I need someone to go with.
293
00:19:10,647 --> 00:19:12,638
Roger, this is so sudden.
294
00:19:12,687 --> 00:19:14,723
I don't know what to say.
295
00:19:14,767 --> 00:19:17,042
But I was going to ask Abi.
296
00:19:17,087 --> 00:19:19,647
What, to baby-sit for me? Good idea.
Thanks, Abi.
297
00:19:19,687 --> 00:19:23,202
I'd better start getting ready.
Pick me up at eight.
298
00:19:26,207 --> 00:19:29,643
Well, I hope you both have a nice time.
299
00:19:30,447 --> 00:19:32,438
Yes, me too.
300
00:19:34,087 --> 00:19:35,998
Thanks.
301
00:19:36,047 --> 00:19:40,643
I probably won't come round tomorrow.
I've got Colin to finish off, Jude...
302
00:19:40,687 --> 00:19:43,599
And Kevin Spacey's dropping in
for a check-up.
303
00:19:43,647 --> 00:19:45,797
You will see me tomorrow, Roger.
304
00:19:45,847 --> 00:19:49,522
I'll be coming in to the surgery
to reclaim my client list.
305
00:19:49,567 --> 00:19:51,637
- Oh!
- See you tomorrow, then.
306
00:19:53,007 --> 00:19:55,601
And, er... maybe see you around, Abi?
307
00:19:56,407 --> 00:19:58,398
Perhaps.
308
00:20:03,647 --> 00:20:08,198
- So what's it like in there, then?
- I just dropped off some muffins.
309
00:20:15,527 --> 00:20:18,246
- Abi!
- Roger and Janey.
310
00:20:18,287 --> 00:20:21,359
Yes. I don't know who to feel more sorry for.
311
00:20:21,407 --> 00:20:25,002
She's just using him
to find a rich celebrity husband.
312
00:20:25,047 --> 00:20:27,038
Oh, now, that would be nice.
313
00:20:27,087 --> 00:20:30,762
- Roger will only get hurt.
- Oh, that would be nice too.
314
00:20:33,007 --> 00:20:36,602
By the way,
you're not fit to go to work tomorrow.
315
00:20:36,647 --> 00:20:39,115
Don't you worry, Abi. I've got a plan.
316
00:20:46,287 --> 00:20:49,677
Hello, Colin. How's my favourite patient?
317
00:20:50,807 --> 00:20:52,798
You, number three, please.
318
00:20:53,887 --> 00:20:55,878
Which is number three?
319
00:20:56,807 --> 00:21:00,880
Is this National Get Your Family To Strap You
To A Board And Bring You To Work Day?
320
00:21:00,927 --> 00:21:02,918
Yes.
321
00:21:02,967 --> 00:21:04,958
The number three is the sharp one.
322
00:21:05,007 --> 00:21:06,998
Thank you. Lovely.
323
00:21:07,047 --> 00:21:10,517
- A little forward, please, and here we go.
- Don't hurt him!
324
00:21:10,567 --> 00:21:15,243
- Are you sure this is a good idea?
- Colin, it's fine. It's perfectly safe. Forward.
325
00:21:15,287 --> 00:21:19,758
Look, if it's all the same to you,
I think I'll wait until Roger's free.
326
00:21:19,807 --> 00:21:24,756
- But, Colin, I'm a better dentist than he is.
- Yeah, but he's not strapped to a trolley.
327
00:21:24,807 --> 00:21:28,641
Yes, but he's conventional, boring.
I'm your man.
328
00:21:29,487 --> 00:21:31,876
- Do stay, Colin.
- My heart says yes.
329
00:21:31,927 --> 00:21:34,725
- My brain says run!
- Listen to your heart, Colin.
330
00:21:34,767 --> 00:21:37,076
- Er... a little help here.
- Mikey! Mikey!
331
00:21:37,127 --> 00:21:42,599
- Just checking our favourite client is happy.
- We're all fine, thank you.
332
00:21:43,567 --> 00:21:46,479
- Ben, why are you strapped to a trolley?
- New procedure.
333
00:21:46,527 --> 00:21:48,324
He's so behind.
334
00:21:48,367 --> 00:21:51,803
I came in to say thank you
for looking after me last night.
335
00:21:51,847 --> 00:21:53,838
- I was very nervous.
- Yes.
336
00:21:53,887 --> 00:21:57,004
You weren't to know
that Helen Mirren's heard all the jokes
337
00:21:57,047 --> 00:22:00,039
about not being recognised with her clothes on.
338
00:22:00,087 --> 00:22:04,046
- I do blurt things out sometimes.
- What happened to your lady companion?
339
00:22:04,087 --> 00:22:10,037
There was an altercation when she tried to have
her photo taken with Catherine Zeta-Jones.
340
00:22:10,087 --> 00:22:13,966
- Not good.
- And she left without saying goodbye.
341
00:22:14,007 --> 00:22:16,999
Very quickly, with some large men.
342
00:22:17,607 --> 00:22:20,360
Mmm. Might have been intentional.
Ah! Mikey!
343
00:22:20,407 --> 00:22:23,524
- Ben, are you all right?
- Yes, I'm fine. Never better.
344
00:22:23,567 --> 00:22:26,923
I was just saying I'd be happier
if you finished the work, Roger.
345
00:22:26,967 --> 00:22:30,755
Colin, this isn't about your happiness.
What about me?
346
00:22:30,807 --> 00:22:34,482
Say no more, Colin. Go on upstairs.
Make yourself comfortable.
347
00:22:34,527 --> 00:22:36,518
- There's a finger buffet.
- Thank you.
348
00:22:36,567 --> 00:22:39,081
- Let me show you out.
- Colin! Colin, please!
349
00:22:39,127 --> 00:22:41,118
Susan! Susan!
350
00:22:46,407 --> 00:22:49,444
Ben, why are you pacing
up and down like that?
351
00:22:49,487 --> 00:22:51,876
Because I can.
352
00:22:51,927 --> 00:22:54,077
Well, you should be thanking me.
353
00:22:54,127 --> 00:22:59,360
I had a hunch that when I dropped that trolley,
your 12th and 13th vertebrae would realign.
354
00:22:59,407 --> 00:23:01,398
Did you also calculate
355
00:23:01,447 --> 00:23:06,680
that my head would explode with pain
as it hit the cupboard on the way down?
356
00:23:06,727 --> 00:23:08,285
No.
357
00:23:09,247 --> 00:23:11,238
That was just a bonus.
358
00:23:12,527 --> 00:23:14,563
- Shouldn't you be at work?
- No.
359
00:23:14,607 --> 00:23:18,725
Not now Roger's taken all my best patients -
the ones that I want anyway.
360
00:23:18,767 --> 00:23:23,477
And I am not going in with concussion
to see Mrs Briggs and her whistling dentures.
361
00:23:23,527 --> 00:23:25,518
(Doorbell)
362
00:23:27,927 --> 00:23:29,918
I'll get that, shall I?
363
00:23:29,967 --> 00:23:33,437
- Colin would.
- Colin this! Colin that!
364
00:23:33,487 --> 00:23:36,684
If Colin asked you to jump off a roof,
you would.
365
00:23:36,727 --> 00:23:39,161
I think I might ask Colin round.
366
00:23:39,207 --> 00:23:41,198
Oh, hello, Colin.
367
00:23:41,247 --> 00:23:45,206
How are you? Come in and have a seat, Colin.
368
00:23:45,247 --> 00:23:48,284
- Oh, ha-bloody-ha.
- Hello, Susan.
369
00:23:48,327 --> 00:23:50,318
Oh, Colin!
370
00:23:51,287 --> 00:23:53,676
What brings you to our humble abode?
371
00:23:53,727 --> 00:23:57,436
I came to see how Ben is.
He looked like he had a nasty fall.
372
00:23:57,487 --> 00:23:59,478
- He's fine.
- What?
373
00:23:59,527 --> 00:24:03,918
I don't want to get the reputation of being a guy
who doesn't care about little people.
374
00:24:03,967 --> 00:24:06,606
- I care.
- Oh, that's all right, Colin.
375
00:24:06,647 --> 00:24:08,877
You don't owe us anything.
376
00:24:08,927 --> 00:24:12,602
Oh, so you don't want
these personalised bathrobes, then?
377
00:24:12,647 --> 00:24:16,560
- She didn't say that.
- Oh, yes, please! Thank you so much!
378
00:24:16,607 --> 00:24:18,996
Oh, this is nice. Oh, so us, isn't it?
379
00:24:19,047 --> 00:24:22,039
Look. Oh, "A gift from Colin Judd".
380
00:24:22,087 --> 00:24:24,726
Oh, come and sit down, Colin,
381
00:24:24,767 --> 00:24:27,406
and let's have a chat, artist to artist.
382
00:24:27,447 --> 00:24:31,440
Susan, this isn't...
Colin is a Hollywood film star.
383
00:24:31,487 --> 00:24:35,560
- You are an unemployed tour guide.
- We're both weavers of dreams.
384
00:24:35,607 --> 00:24:38,405
Well, shouldn't you revise for your exam?
385
00:24:38,447 --> 00:24:42,645
I'm revising now.
Colin, you played Cromwell once.
386
00:24:42,687 --> 00:24:45,565
Charles the First, what was he really like?
387
00:24:45,607 --> 00:24:50,681
He doesn't want to talk about a cheap,
straight-to-video costume flick.
388
00:24:50,727 --> 00:24:55,323
- I thought that was some of my best work.
- Oh, yes. I did. So did I.
389
00:24:55,367 --> 00:24:59,076
- It was fantastic.
- Ben, could you see me this afternoon?
390
00:24:59,967 --> 00:25:03,516
- Sure.
- What about Roger? Didn't he treat you?
391
00:25:03,567 --> 00:25:07,480
Yes, but it's going a little bit slower
than I'd like.
392
00:25:07,527 --> 00:25:10,599
- Did you know he has glove puppets?
- Oh, God, no. He didn't?
393
00:25:10,647 --> 00:25:12,877
Not the whole three hours of Circus Maximus?
394
00:25:12,927 --> 00:25:14,918
Yes. With the deleted scenes.
395
00:25:15,967 --> 00:25:19,516
The thing is, Ben,
although you are unbelievably rude, gauche...
396
00:25:19,567 --> 00:25:22,081
- Self-centred, moody.
- Thank you, Susan.
397
00:25:22,127 --> 00:25:26,086
- You are, at least, discreet.
- He's not discreet. He just doesn't care.
398
00:25:26,127 --> 00:25:30,643
You see, Susan? Being unbelievably rude
and gauche has finally paid off.
399
00:25:30,687 --> 00:25:33,360
- And you got a robe.
- I've got a robe.
400
00:25:33,407 --> 00:25:35,602
My God, I'll... I'll put it on.
401
00:25:38,847 --> 00:25:41,759
Uh-oh... Colin Judd.
402
00:25:41,807 --> 00:25:45,356
- Don't sit too close.
- She's just a bit starstruck.
403
00:25:45,407 --> 00:25:48,365
No. It says here his breath stinks.
404
00:25:48,407 --> 00:25:50,398
What? Let me see that!
405
00:25:51,887 --> 00:25:57,723
"Don't get too close to Colin's mouth in the
morning without a peg on your nose. Pee-ew!"
406
00:25:57,767 --> 00:26:00,600
"Says celebrity dentist Ben Harper."
407
00:26:02,007 --> 00:26:03,998
I didn't say it. It wasn't me.
408
00:26:04,047 --> 00:26:06,481
No, I mean, I... Oh, come here.
409
00:26:06,527 --> 00:26:10,600
I mean, I know the breath is a bit doggy,
but I've had worse.
410
00:26:10,647 --> 00:26:12,877
No, I didn't mean... Where are you going?
411
00:26:12,927 --> 00:26:16,840
- I'm going to find another dentist.
- Oh, come on. You're being irrational.
412
00:26:16,887 --> 00:26:20,766
Of course I'm being irrational. I'm a star.
Do you know what that means?
413
00:26:20,807 --> 00:26:25,562
People say yes to me all day. Now,
if you don't mind, I need to use your toilet.
414
00:26:25,607 --> 00:26:28,565
Certainly, sir. That'll be 50 quid.
415
00:26:32,407 --> 00:26:35,126
Well, congratulations, blabbermouth.
416
00:26:35,167 --> 00:26:37,397
Susan, I did not say that! Come on!
417
00:26:37,447 --> 00:26:41,360
"Pee-ew" doesn't even sound like me.
It sounds more like...
418
00:26:43,367 --> 00:26:48,077
- Don't thank me, Ben.
- Why did you tell the reporter you were me?
419
00:26:48,127 --> 00:26:50,687
Because I realised I owed it all to you.
420
00:26:50,727 --> 00:26:55,323
There I was, flashbulbs popping,
a girl on each arm, and then it all hit me.
421
00:26:55,367 --> 00:26:57,562
Not all of it.
422
00:26:57,607 --> 00:27:03,125
I know this won't make you feel any better,
but all my showbiz patients have cancelled.
423
00:27:05,767 --> 00:27:08,918
Actually, Roger,
that does make me feel a lot better.
424
00:27:08,967 --> 00:27:10,958
What scared them off?
425
00:27:11,007 --> 00:27:15,159
They know I'm only one floor up
from blabbermouth Ben Harper.
426
00:27:15,927 --> 00:27:17,918
Hi, Dad.
427
00:27:17,967 --> 00:27:19,958
Hello, Roger.
428
00:27:21,167 --> 00:27:24,955
- What's new?
- Roger has lost all his celebrity patients.
429
00:27:25,007 --> 00:27:28,204
- Oh, really?
- So, Janey, are you free tonight?
430
00:27:28,247 --> 00:27:30,636
- I'm washing my hair.
- What about?
431
00:27:30,687 --> 00:27:34,600
- And tomorrow.
- Oh, some sort of head lice problem, is it?
432
00:27:36,447 --> 00:27:38,438
I passed!
433
00:27:39,647 --> 00:27:42,525
- You passed?
- Don't sound so surprised.
434
00:27:42,567 --> 00:27:46,037
I knew I'd be OK if I just sat back and... relaxed.
435
00:27:46,087 --> 00:27:48,078
Well done!
436
00:27:48,127 --> 00:27:52,803
And, if I sat back far enough, I could see
all the answers of the bloke next to me.
437
00:27:52,847 --> 00:27:55,236
- So you cheated?
- In a positive way.
438
00:27:55,287 --> 00:27:59,326
- So you're still a tour guide.
- And you're still a failed doctor.
439
00:27:59,367 --> 00:28:01,881
So, things are back to normal.
440
00:28:03,967 --> 00:28:06,401
(Man) Stand by and... action!
441
00:28:06,447 --> 00:28:08,119
(Gunfire and screaming)
442
00:28:20,007 --> 00:28:23,682
- I think one of us should talk to Michael.
- (Man) Quiet!
36628
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