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1
00:00:01,287 --> 00:00:03,642
Happy birthday, darling.
2
00:00:03,687 --> 00:00:07,600
- It's not my birthday.
- That's what you think.
3
00:00:08,447 --> 00:00:10,244
You got me the same thing last year.
4
00:00:10,287 --> 00:00:12,847
Well, you wore that one out,
so I got you a new one.
5
00:00:18,687 --> 00:00:23,920
- Oh, hold on, hold on just one moment.
- OK, OK, I'm holding on. I'm holding on.
6
00:00:23,967 --> 00:00:25,195
Oh, yeah.
7
00:00:25,247 --> 00:00:28,478
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's this?
8
00:00:28,527 --> 00:00:30,722
It's a baby monitor, latest model.
9
00:00:30,767 --> 00:00:34,203
This way we can listen to baby Kenzo
whenever we like.
10
00:00:34,247 --> 00:00:36,602
And whenever we don't like.
11
00:00:37,567 --> 00:00:40,240
You're insane, Janey's flat's half a mile away.
12
00:00:40,287 --> 00:00:41,925
I know, that's how good it is.
13
00:00:41,967 --> 00:00:44,800
I can check up on the baby
without disturbing Janey.
14
00:00:44,847 --> 00:00:46,997
Janey doesn't know about this?
15
00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:50,323
- I didn't want to worry her.
- You're beginning to worry me...
16
00:00:54,047 --> 00:00:56,356
(Janey) Hello...
17
00:00:58,207 --> 00:01:00,482
Aren't you cute?
18
00:01:00,527 --> 00:01:02,722
Aren't you a big boy?
19
00:01:03,607 --> 00:01:06,599
(Man) Well, I'll do my best.
20
00:01:36,447 --> 00:01:37,880
Mm, mm.
21
00:01:37,927 --> 00:01:40,202
I can't see anything wrong with this filling.
22
00:01:40,287 --> 00:01:44,565
Of course you can't, otherwise
you'd have got it right in the first place.
23
00:01:44,607 --> 00:01:46,563
Would you like to see another dentist?
24
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:49,440
No, no, no, you fudged it, you fix it.
25
00:01:49,527 --> 00:01:51,358
My pleasure.
26
00:01:51,407 --> 00:01:52,522
Ooh!
27
00:01:52,567 --> 00:01:55,843
- Greeting has nothing on Hades.
- What?
28
00:01:55,887 --> 00:01:57,605
Five letters.
29
00:01:57,647 --> 00:02:01,037
Hades? Hades... Hell... Hell... o. Hello!
30
00:02:01,087 --> 00:02:02,725
Yeah!
31
00:02:02,767 --> 00:02:04,405
Are you... you two in the Masons?
32
00:02:04,447 --> 00:02:06,403
No, it's just crossword chit-chat.
33
00:02:06,447 --> 00:02:09,644
I've won the competition in The Times.
34
00:02:09,687 --> 00:02:12,997
I'm really, really delighted for you.
What have you won?
35
00:02:13,047 --> 00:02:15,959
- A L20 gift voucher.
- 20...
36
00:02:16,007 --> 00:02:18,919
Oh, it's not the prize, it's the honour.
37
00:02:18,967 --> 00:02:22,004
Plus you get your name on the paper,
see Roger Bailey.
38
00:02:22,047 --> 00:02:23,366
How long did it take you?
39
00:02:23,407 --> 00:02:26,160
- Oh, a good 20 minutes.
- 20 minutes?
40
00:02:26,207 --> 00:02:28,402
You did The Times crossword in 20 minutes?
41
00:02:28,447 --> 00:02:30,961
Yes. Well, it was a tricky one,
normally I take ten.
42
00:02:31,007 --> 00:02:32,804
- Ten?
- Yes, how long do you take?
43
00:02:33,607 --> 00:02:35,199
- About that.
- Really?
44
00:02:35,247 --> 00:02:38,364
- Yeah.
- Perhaps you should enter the competition.
45
00:02:38,407 --> 00:02:43,197
- Actually I don't have time for crosswords.
- Oh, surely you can spare ten minutes.
46
00:02:43,247 --> 00:02:47,286
Or perhaps you
can't do crosswords at all. (Sniggers)
47
00:02:47,607 --> 00:02:51,600
I can actually, and I write my own clues.
Get out of my surgery, 4, 3.
48
00:02:51,647 --> 00:02:53,080
4, 3?
49
00:02:58,007 --> 00:02:59,804
- Ben?
- Uh-huh?
50
00:02:59,847 --> 00:03:02,361
- Ben, I have something to tell you.
- Uh-huh?
51
00:03:02,407 --> 00:03:04,762
- Will you stop doing that?
- Uh-huh?
52
00:03:05,807 --> 00:03:08,082
- Ben, there's someone else.
- What?
53
00:03:08,967 --> 00:03:11,276
- Someone else, who?
- Me, me, me.
54
00:03:11,327 --> 00:03:14,046
Sorry, Susan. How are you?
55
00:03:14,087 --> 00:03:16,760
- I'm fine.
- Good.
56
00:03:18,007 --> 00:03:20,840
I'm obviously interrupting
something important.
57
00:03:20,887 --> 00:03:22,923
No, this is more than important.
58
00:03:22,967 --> 00:03:26,198
I am trying to win a gift voucher.
59
00:03:27,687 --> 00:03:30,076
- How much for?
- L20.
60
00:03:31,687 --> 00:03:33,962
- Did something happen at work?
- No, no, no.
61
00:03:34,007 --> 00:03:36,680
"Can't do crosswords," he said.
62
00:03:36,727 --> 00:03:40,037
- Not Roger again.
- No, no, nothing to do with Roger.
63
00:03:40,087 --> 00:03:42,317
Ten minutes. I'll show him.
64
00:03:42,367 --> 00:03:43,880
Hang on, it's happened again.
65
00:03:43,927 --> 00:03:46,885
How come we're talking about
what you want to talk about?
66
00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:48,804
- You want to talk about Roger.
- No, I don't.
67
00:03:48,847 --> 00:03:52,442
- I don't want to talk about anything.
- Well, you only have to listen.
68
00:03:52,487 --> 00:03:55,763
Have you noticed the streets around here?
They're a disgrace.
69
00:03:55,807 --> 00:03:59,356
There's litter, graffiti,
abandoned furniture, dog mess.
70
00:03:59,407 --> 00:04:01,159
Well, it's an up-and-coming area.
71
00:04:01,207 --> 00:04:04,722
Michael, did you see the dog mess
on the way home?
72
00:04:04,767 --> 00:04:06,644
No, just got milk like you asked.
73
00:04:06,687 --> 00:04:08,678
I mean, it's an outrage.
74
00:04:08,727 --> 00:04:12,766
Well, instead of going on about dog mess,
why don't you do something about it?
75
00:04:12,807 --> 00:04:15,321
I am. I'm standing for the local council.
76
00:04:15,367 --> 00:04:18,439
I was thinking more of a scoop and bucket.
77
00:04:19,167 --> 00:04:20,759
S... You... What?
78
00:04:21,807 --> 00:04:24,116
You're not serious, are you?
79
00:04:24,167 --> 00:04:26,203
You bet your sweet bibby I'm serious.
80
00:04:26,247 --> 00:04:29,876
- This is the first I've heard.
- I was saving it for your full attention.
81
00:04:29,927 --> 00:04:33,044
- You never have my full attention.
- Well I have now.
82
00:04:33,087 --> 00:04:35,362
- Oi!
- Now, remember our local councillor?
83
00:04:35,407 --> 00:04:38,001
- No.
- The grey-haired man, looked like a doctor.
84
00:04:38,047 --> 00:04:39,844
- No.
- With the funny eye?
85
00:04:39,887 --> 00:04:41,240
- No.
- Well, he's died.
86
00:04:41,287 --> 00:04:44,006
No? And I never told him, I loved him.
87
00:04:44,047 --> 00:04:47,198
There's a by-election coming up
and I'm going to win it.
88
00:04:47,247 --> 00:04:49,966
Really? So all the main parties have given up?
89
00:04:50,007 --> 00:04:53,602
Of course not, but I'm going to transcend
petty party politics.
90
00:04:53,647 --> 00:04:58,357
I'm standing as an independent. Like... What's
his name? Who's the man in the white suit?
91
00:04:58,407 --> 00:04:59,840
- Alec Guinness.
- No.
92
00:04:59,887 --> 00:05:01,002
- Barry Manilow?
- No.
93
00:05:01,047 --> 00:05:03,607
- Ricardo Montalban?
- Thank you, Martin Bell.
94
00:05:05,367 --> 00:05:08,723
I'm going to be a single-issue candidate,
Street Hygiene.
95
00:05:08,767 --> 00:05:10,723
Oh, Street... That'll pull them in.
96
00:05:10,767 --> 00:05:15,238
Whoa! Vote for Susan Harper,
your dog poo candidate!
97
00:05:16,127 --> 00:05:19,756
Michael, your own mother
is standing on dog crap!
98
00:05:19,807 --> 00:05:24,119
- It'll be all over the newspapers.
- It's a smear campaign!
99
00:05:24,567 --> 00:05:26,239
Oh, this is nice.
100
00:05:26,287 --> 00:05:28,482
All of us having a laugh together...
101
00:05:28,527 --> 00:05:29,721
at Susan.
102
00:05:31,287 --> 00:05:35,963
OK, OK, laugh all you want,
but I'm not going to be put off by cheap jibes.
103
00:05:36,007 --> 00:05:39,079
This community deserves better! My community!
104
00:05:39,127 --> 00:05:43,245
I'm sticking by my deeply held beliefs,
and standing on the issue I've chosen.
105
00:05:46,607 --> 00:05:48,882
Speed bumps.
106
00:05:50,447 --> 00:05:52,642
(Knock at door)
107
00:05:52,687 --> 00:05:54,598
Enter.
108
00:05:55,127 --> 00:05:57,925
Mikey. Mikey, Mikey, Mikey.
109
00:06:01,007 --> 00:06:03,123
I need your help.
110
00:06:03,167 --> 00:06:05,078
And me without my prescription pad.
111
00:06:05,127 --> 00:06:08,563
Look, I need to know the name
of an Old Testament prophet,
112
00:06:08,607 --> 00:06:10,916
sounds like a Spanish town in reverse.
113
00:06:10,967 --> 00:06:14,516
- I'm not helping you with that.
- Oh, come on, it's the prize puzzle,
114
00:06:14,567 --> 00:06:16,558
I've only got four days left to finish it.
115
00:06:16,607 --> 00:06:20,361
- Four days? Roger does it...
- Yes, I know, I know. Give me the answer.
116
00:06:20,407 --> 00:06:23,285
- You'll only be cheating yourself.
- I'll be cheating Roger.
117
00:06:23,327 --> 00:06:29,243
If you do this puzzle by yourself, you'll end up
a more complete and bigger human being,
118
00:06:29,287 --> 00:06:31,517
who's possibly less tight with his cash.
119
00:06:32,207 --> 00:06:34,801
Not a warm person, are you?
120
00:06:35,927 --> 00:06:36,916
What's in there?
121
00:06:36,967 --> 00:06:39,686
- It's Nicola.
- Nicola?
122
00:06:41,047 --> 00:06:42,162
You bought a pet?
123
00:06:42,927 --> 00:06:45,600
A boy should have a pet,
it brings out the caring side.
124
00:06:45,647 --> 00:06:48,207
What'd you get? What'd you get?
Let's have a look.
125
00:06:48,247 --> 00:06:50,681
You got a kitten? I love cats.
126
00:06:50,727 --> 00:06:52,683
- Can I pick her up?
- Feel free.
127
00:06:52,727 --> 00:06:54,479
Oh, look!
128
00:06:54,527 --> 00:06:59,203
You know, I always wanted a kitten when I was
a kid, but I got lumbered with a hamster.
129
00:06:59,247 --> 00:07:00,885
Called it Puss.
130
00:07:00,927 --> 00:07:04,966
But cats are so much cute...
Oh for crying out loud, Mikey!
131
00:07:05,007 --> 00:07:07,077
Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!
132
00:07:07,127 --> 00:07:09,721
- You let me pick it up...
- You asked to pick her up.
133
00:07:09,767 --> 00:07:12,520
- You could have stopped me!
- I don't like to presume.
134
00:07:12,567 --> 00:07:17,516
Oh, my God! It's creepy, it's disgusting,
it doesn't even look like a Nicola.
135
00:07:17,567 --> 00:07:18,841
Mum said it was OK.
136
00:07:18,887 --> 00:07:21,924
But she's not like normal people.
She's sweet and we love her,
137
00:07:21,967 --> 00:07:24,800
but there's something wrong with her brain.
Get rid of it!
138
00:07:24,847 --> 00:07:28,886
- If Nicola goes, I go.
- Great, a package!
139
00:07:31,327 --> 00:07:35,002
- Hello, darling.
- Dickensian pervert.
140
00:07:35,167 --> 00:07:38,364
- You'll never guess what.
- Dickensian pervert, pervert,
141
00:07:38,407 --> 00:07:40,079
pervert, pervert!
142
00:07:40,887 --> 00:07:43,196
When historians ask you what you were doing
143
00:07:43,247 --> 00:07:46,284
at the dawn of a new political era,
you'll be able to tell them,
144
00:07:46,327 --> 00:07:48,761
"I spent all evening doing a stupid puzzle."
145
00:07:48,807 --> 00:07:52,038
No, I won't. It won't take a matter of seconds.
146
00:07:52,087 --> 00:07:53,998
Yes! Oh, yes. (Mutters incoherently)
147
00:07:54,047 --> 00:07:57,039
Yes! Yes, yes, yes. Yeah! Ha ha! Yes!
148
00:07:57,087 --> 00:08:00,716
- Thank God you finished it.
- No, solved one, look.
149
00:08:01,647 --> 00:08:05,925
Fabulous. Now, before you run out of ink,
I want your signature on this nomination form.
150
00:08:05,967 --> 00:08:10,245
- What? What do you need mine for?
- I didn't say need, I said want.
151
00:08:10,287 --> 00:08:12,198
OK, darling.
152
00:08:14,007 --> 00:08:16,157
- What are you doing?
- Just reading it.
153
00:08:16,207 --> 00:08:20,166
Always read something before signing,
you never know what's in the small print.
154
00:08:20,207 --> 00:08:24,246
Oh, right, perhaps I'm trying to sell you
a timeshare in a swamp in Florida.
155
00:08:25,487 --> 00:08:26,920
Yeah, good point.
156
00:08:28,367 --> 00:08:30,198
- Hello, dear.
- Hi.
157
00:08:31,327 --> 00:08:34,239
- Have you lost something?
- Don't know yet.
158
00:08:36,047 --> 00:08:37,560
- Susan, what's this?
- Hm?
159
00:08:37,607 --> 00:08:40,644
Since when has your middle name
been Barrington?
160
00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:44,521
Since this morning. I decided it was
more statesman-like than Beryl.
161
00:08:44,567 --> 00:08:48,116
Ah, if you wanted statesman-like
why didn't you go for Benito?
162
00:08:48,167 --> 00:08:50,965
Don't be ridiculous, Ben, that's a man's name.
163
00:08:52,087 --> 00:08:56,205
What's this? "Candidate's age... 36."
164
00:08:56,247 --> 00:08:58,841
Looks like you got the numbers reversed.
165
00:09:00,087 --> 00:09:02,726
It's just a bit of spin. All politicians do it.
166
00:09:02,807 --> 00:09:06,800
- I thought you were going to be different.
- I am. First I need to get elected.
167
00:09:07,567 --> 00:09:10,365
- All right, let's get it over with.
- That's the spirit.
168
00:09:10,407 --> 00:09:12,875
Now I need one more.
169
00:09:12,927 --> 00:09:14,326
Michael.
170
00:09:14,367 --> 00:09:15,925
Mum, I'm only 16.
171
00:09:15,967 --> 00:09:18,037
Well, you can always reverse the digits.
172
00:09:19,087 --> 00:09:20,964
Abi, you'll do. Sign this, would you?
173
00:09:21,007 --> 00:09:22,406
OK.
174
00:09:22,447 --> 00:09:25,245
- Aren't you going to read it?
- Nah.
175
00:09:26,087 --> 00:09:29,284
- Ben did.
- He doesn't love you as much as I do.
176
00:09:30,127 --> 00:09:33,005
Don't take this the wrong way, but belt up!
177
00:09:34,167 --> 00:09:37,682
- I'm trying to do a crossword.
- I'm trying to change the world.
178
00:09:37,727 --> 00:09:40,878
Mm, and I know who's going to do
the least damage.
179
00:09:50,727 --> 00:09:54,037
There that's all done, all ready for posting.
180
00:09:54,087 --> 00:09:57,397
Susan, please, please,
have you thought about this?
181
00:09:57,447 --> 00:10:01,201
Look, we Harpers have our quirks
and our crazy ideas,
182
00:10:01,247 --> 00:10:05,684
but for years we've managed to contain
the madness inside these four walls.
183
00:10:05,727 --> 00:10:08,958
You post that envelope,
you'll be releasing our private horror
184
00:10:09,007 --> 00:10:11,726
into the outside world like a deadly plague!
185
00:10:11,767 --> 00:10:13,758
Oh, do you really think I'll win?
186
00:10:13,807 --> 00:10:15,206
Oh, Go...
187
00:10:15,247 --> 00:10:18,637
Michael! Michael, what are you looking for?
188
00:10:19,447 --> 00:10:20,800
I'm looking for Nicola.
189
00:10:22,447 --> 00:10:24,483
- Nicola the...
- The thing's escaped?
190
00:10:24,527 --> 00:10:27,200
I told you it's not a thing, it's a she.
191
00:10:27,247 --> 00:10:31,160
- Don't worry, she won't have left the house.
- Oh, that is a relief!
192
00:10:31,207 --> 00:10:33,880
- Is she poisonous?
- I wouldn't put it that way.
193
00:10:33,927 --> 00:10:35,519
Well, what way would you put it?
194
00:10:35,567 --> 00:10:37,762
The actual term's venomous.
195
00:10:38,647 --> 00:10:40,080
Is it venomous then?
196
00:10:40,127 --> 00:10:44,086
She... Well, she's no more venomous
than other spiders of similar size.
197
00:10:44,127 --> 00:10:48,962
- Oh, we're all happy now, aren't we?
- Michael, Michael, Michael, look at me.
198
00:10:49,007 --> 00:10:51,475
Is Nicola going to kill us?
199
00:10:51,527 --> 00:10:54,997
- Um... that would be very unusual.
- What do you mean?
200
00:10:55,047 --> 00:10:57,515
It would be very rare for death to occur.
201
00:10:57,567 --> 00:11:02,163
The recorded effects of a tarantula bite
are that the finger, hand or whole arm,
202
00:11:02,207 --> 00:11:05,005
may ache, or over swell up for a while.
203
00:11:06,207 --> 00:11:07,720
Like, how long?
204
00:11:07,767 --> 00:11:10,486
- Couple of days.
- OK.
205
00:11:10,527 --> 00:11:12,404
A week.
206
00:11:13,887 --> 00:11:15,718
Two weeks.
207
00:11:16,407 --> 00:11:19,479
Don't worry, it's painful, not fatal.
208
00:11:21,527 --> 00:11:23,006
Often.
209
00:11:34,087 --> 00:11:36,237
Is it because he's the third child?
210
00:11:36,287 --> 00:11:39,757
Judging from the first and second,
it makes no difference.
211
00:11:39,807 --> 00:11:41,604
He's had to compete for attention.
212
00:11:41,647 --> 00:11:45,879
I think you are forgetting something, Susan.
I'm the normal one in this house.
213
00:12:00,767 --> 00:12:02,359
(Sighs)
214
00:12:05,407 --> 00:12:07,967
I've been looking forward to this all day.
215
00:12:08,007 --> 00:12:10,601
Me too.
216
00:12:16,527 --> 00:12:18,518
(Ben chuckles)
217
00:12:21,007 --> 00:12:23,601
I can't believe they've accepted your nomination.
218
00:12:23,647 --> 00:12:27,401
I can't believe you're doing the same crossword.
219
00:12:27,447 --> 00:12:29,836
Look, A - these compilers are very clever,
220
00:12:29,887 --> 00:12:33,323
and B - I am doing a different crossword.
221
00:12:33,367 --> 00:12:36,837
- Because you took so long doing last week's.
- I took 20 minutes
222
00:12:36,887 --> 00:12:39,117
Spread over 14 days.
223
00:12:40,647 --> 00:12:43,115
I'll need a fighting fund, of course.
224
00:12:44,047 --> 00:12:45,765
And some new clothes.
225
00:12:46,807 --> 00:12:49,037
- And a blender.
- (Sighs)
226
00:12:49,087 --> 00:12:52,841
Why are you doing this? It's not as if
you're going to make any difference.
227
00:12:52,887 --> 00:12:55,845
That's exactly why
you've never made a difference.
228
00:12:55,887 --> 00:12:59,641
I don't want to. It's making a difference
that led to the Inquisition,
229
00:12:59,687 --> 00:13:02,599
the rise of Stalin, and thongs for men.
230
00:13:03,727 --> 00:13:05,683
Well, I want to and I can.
231
00:13:05,727 --> 00:13:09,322
Since that chap who looked like a doctor died,
it's a hung council.
232
00:13:09,367 --> 00:13:13,155
If I got in,
I'd more or less hold the balance of power.
233
00:13:13,207 --> 00:13:15,596
I could do anything.
234
00:13:15,647 --> 00:13:17,683
I could take over the world.
235
00:13:19,647 --> 00:13:22,366
This is just bedroom talk, isn't it?
236
00:13:22,407 --> 00:13:24,682
- Shouldn't you get some sleep?
- Why?
237
00:13:24,727 --> 00:13:26,683
- Canvassing tomorrow.
- Oh, no.
238
00:13:26,727 --> 00:13:29,195
Oh, yes. We'll be a husband-and-wife team.
239
00:13:29,287 --> 00:13:32,279
- Like the Kennedy's, the Clintons.
- The Krankies.
240
00:13:32,327 --> 00:13:35,444
- Are you going to help?
- So this is what's going to be like?
241
00:13:35,487 --> 00:13:40,607
Me, being dragged around on a leash, forced
to grin at total strangers like a village idiot!
242
00:13:40,647 --> 00:13:42,956
- Is that a no?
- Yes!
243
00:14:06,807 --> 00:14:08,126
Night, night.
244
00:14:09,887 --> 00:14:12,447
There's plenty of things
they're just not telling us.
245
00:14:12,487 --> 00:14:17,356
did you know, there are plans to build a giant
Freshfare hypermarket, at the end of this road?
246
00:14:17,407 --> 00:14:22,276
- Really? Did you hear that, Tim?
- Yeah, sounds great.
247
00:14:22,327 --> 00:14:23,521
No, it doesn't.
248
00:14:23,567 --> 00:14:25,319
Cheap food, fresh.
249
00:14:25,367 --> 00:14:27,562
What about the small local businesses?
250
00:14:27,607 --> 00:14:29,757
The corner shop's always running out of things.
251
00:14:29,807 --> 00:14:32,241
Plus they rob us blind.
252
00:14:33,287 --> 00:14:35,482
- Speed bumps.
- What about them?
253
00:14:35,527 --> 00:14:38,485
They've proved really effective
in slowing down traffic.
254
00:14:38,527 --> 00:14:40,916
You're telling me.
255
00:14:40,967 --> 00:14:43,800
Can you get rid of them?
256
00:14:43,847 --> 00:14:47,123
I mean, we've got a 4x4,
but even so the suspension shot to buggery.
257
00:14:48,607 --> 00:14:51,724
I know, I know,
you're sure to back me on this one.
258
00:14:51,767 --> 00:14:54,156
- Dog mess.
- (Dog barks from inside the house)
259
00:14:56,487 --> 00:14:59,001
Not that I'm against dog mess, per se.
260
00:15:08,247 --> 00:15:09,362
- Yes?
- Nothing.
261
00:15:09,407 --> 00:15:11,967
- Oh, is there an election?
- No.
262
00:15:12,007 --> 00:15:14,077
"Independent". That sounds good.
263
00:15:14,127 --> 00:15:18,086
Well, it isn't. She's naive, inexperienced,
not political at all.
264
00:15:18,127 --> 00:15:20,595
Oh even better, I can't bear career politicians.
265
00:15:20,647 --> 00:15:22,956
OK. Well... think about it by all means.
266
00:15:23,007 --> 00:15:25,077
No, she's definitely got my vote.
267
00:15:25,127 --> 00:15:28,437
You don't have to decide now,
it's a secret ballot.
268
00:15:28,487 --> 00:15:31,843
- You can always change your mind.
- No, you can depend on me.
269
00:15:31,887 --> 00:15:33,002
Damn.
270
00:15:33,047 --> 00:15:36,562
And if I can help out -
stuffing envelopes, displaying a poster...
271
00:15:36,607 --> 00:15:39,963
No, no that's fine, thank you.
We don't need your help, thank you.
272
00:15:40,007 --> 00:15:43,886
Oh, actually there is, um...
there is one thing you could help me with.
273
00:15:43,927 --> 00:15:45,406
Yes?
274
00:15:45,447 --> 00:15:50,043
Can you think of an Arab sailing ship
that's a bit like a medieval string instrument?
275
00:15:51,927 --> 00:15:53,883
OK, thank you.
276
00:15:53,927 --> 00:15:56,919
All these voters are idiots.
277
00:15:56,967 --> 00:15:58,605
Do you know what one of them did?
278
00:15:58,647 --> 00:16:00,558
Kept telling me what to do.
279
00:16:00,607 --> 00:16:02,996
Heaven forefend!
280
00:16:03,047 --> 00:16:05,720
A politician who does what people want.
281
00:16:05,767 --> 00:16:09,885
If I just do what people want,
I'll be nothing better than a demagogue.
282
00:16:09,927 --> 00:16:12,122
Demagogue!
283
00:16:12,167 --> 00:16:14,601
Demagogue, yes, yes!
284
00:16:14,647 --> 00:16:16,205
I love you.
285
00:16:16,247 --> 00:16:18,363
You're still doing that stupid crossword?
286
00:16:18,407 --> 00:16:22,286
If I am, it's because somebody decided
to stand for the stupid council.
287
00:16:22,327 --> 00:16:24,682
OK? I just keep being distracted.
288
00:16:26,687 --> 00:16:30,043
- You only knocked on two doors.
- Actually, three but one was out.
289
00:16:30,087 --> 00:16:32,965
Well, I knocked on 147 doors, and I'm exhausted.
290
00:16:33,007 --> 00:16:36,238
Oh, you didn't have to clean
all their kitchens, did you?
291
00:16:36,287 --> 00:16:39,962
Of course not. Some of them
just wanted their hedges trimmed.
292
00:16:41,727 --> 00:16:43,319
Or the car washed.
293
00:16:43,367 --> 00:16:45,517
Michael, what's the matter?
294
00:16:45,567 --> 00:16:49,355
I'm getting worried about Nicola,
especially with her in that condition.
295
00:16:49,407 --> 00:16:52,604
- What condition?
- Michael, what do you mean?
296
00:16:52,647 --> 00:16:55,286
Oh, didn't I tell you she was pregnant?
297
00:16:55,327 --> 00:16:59,479
You didn't tell me you had a tarantula, let alone
she was about to have dozens of babies.
298
00:16:59,527 --> 00:17:01,643
Dad, not dozens. Hundreds.
299
00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:05,043
- Hundreds?
- It's quite common with the arboreal species.
300
00:17:05,087 --> 00:17:07,043
- Arboreal?
- Means she lives in trees.
301
00:17:07,087 --> 00:17:09,999
Yes, I know what it means,
I had to look it up for 22 across.
302
00:17:10,967 --> 00:17:13,606
It also means she can climb.
303
00:17:17,967 --> 00:17:19,195
Oh, my God.
304
00:17:19,247 --> 00:17:21,477
- What is it?
- Don't move, don't move.
305
00:17:21,527 --> 00:17:23,757
It's in the bed.
306
00:17:24,967 --> 00:17:27,197
- What are we going to do?
- Don't move.
307
00:17:30,447 --> 00:17:33,120
- It's all right, I'll deal with it.
- Oh, Ben...
308
00:17:34,687 --> 00:17:37,440
Don't let me die.
309
00:17:37,487 --> 00:17:39,603
I have a destiny to fulfil.
310
00:17:39,647 --> 00:17:42,445
- (Ben) Oh, my God!
- What?
311
00:17:42,487 --> 00:17:44,478
I can see it.
312
00:17:45,527 --> 00:17:47,119
- Where?
- Don't move!
313
00:17:48,687 --> 00:17:51,076
It's on you.
314
00:17:56,327 --> 00:17:58,283
Ben.
315
00:18:00,727 --> 00:18:02,445
Well, It was dark...
316
00:18:03,807 --> 00:18:06,321
Easy mistake to make.
317
00:18:06,367 --> 00:18:11,043
First, a special thanks to Roger
for volunteering his time and support.
318
00:18:11,087 --> 00:18:13,521
I just popped in to have a cup of coffee.
319
00:18:13,567 --> 00:18:15,478
You weren't thinking of leaving, were you?
320
00:18:15,527 --> 00:18:19,122
Once you're in, you're in. It's like the Mafia.
321
00:18:19,167 --> 00:18:21,283
It's very high-powered, isn't it?
322
00:18:21,327 --> 00:18:26,082
So, this meeting's about getting voters
to take me more seriously.
323
00:18:30,207 --> 00:18:31,481
Er, Susan?
324
00:18:31,527 --> 00:18:34,963
I know, Abi,
it's just Ben's idea of a joke.
325
00:18:35,007 --> 00:18:38,920
Voter response is sluggish.
We need fresh ideas and a new strategy.
326
00:18:38,967 --> 00:18:41,959
- Michael?
- We haven't discussed my consultancy fee yet.
327
00:18:42,007 --> 00:18:44,885
How about this.
You help me in my campaign,
328
00:18:44,927 --> 00:18:48,636
and I won't tell everyone that
you still sleep with a teddy called Mr Chewy.
329
00:18:54,007 --> 00:18:56,157
You just did, Mum.
330
00:18:56,207 --> 00:18:57,959
That's just for openers.
331
00:18:58,007 --> 00:19:00,680
First, I'm not happy with your slogans.
332
00:19:00,727 --> 00:19:03,161
"Susan Harper, you could do worse."
333
00:19:05,127 --> 00:19:08,642
- It's brilliant.
- At least I know where it comes from now.
334
00:19:08,687 --> 00:19:12,043
We need something clever, something snappy.
335
00:19:12,087 --> 00:19:14,396
- Yes.
- Something like...
336
00:19:14,447 --> 00:19:22,001
"Susan Harper - anyone with Harper brain
would vote for Susan Harper this Thursday."
337
00:19:26,647 --> 00:19:27,875
- Abi?
- What?
338
00:19:27,927 --> 00:19:30,839
- Slogans.
- OK.
339
00:19:30,887 --> 00:19:33,276
"Should have gone to Specsavers."
340
00:19:33,327 --> 00:19:35,966
- Abi...
- "Ashamed of your mobile?"
341
00:19:36,007 --> 00:19:38,760
All very good, but they've already been taken.
342
00:19:38,807 --> 00:19:41,275
Oh, right. What's it for?
343
00:19:43,127 --> 00:19:45,004
Oh, what's this?
344
00:19:45,047 --> 00:19:46,321
It's my kitchen cabinet.
345
00:19:46,367 --> 00:19:50,645
Kitchen cabinet, just like ours -
the hinges are coming off.
346
00:19:51,367 --> 00:19:53,198
They're unhinged.
347
00:19:53,247 --> 00:19:56,159
Mock away, but the nay sayers,
and the Jeremiahs
348
00:19:56,207 --> 00:20:01,042
shall never hamper our progress,
towards the sunlit uplands of economic recovery.
349
00:20:01,087 --> 00:20:05,683
- We are the winning team.
- Woo, thank you, Evita!
350
00:20:05,727 --> 00:20:09,879
What searing political insight
is she going to bring to the winning team?
351
00:20:09,927 --> 00:20:13,966
- Abi? Well, she's the voice of Mrs Normal.
- Mrs Normal?
352
00:20:14,007 --> 00:20:16,123
She's one step away from the funny farm.
353
00:20:17,127 --> 00:20:19,083
That's it!
354
00:20:19,127 --> 00:20:21,118
There's your slogan, Susan.
355
00:20:25,687 --> 00:20:30,761
Normal as the next guy.
Which brings me neatly to him.
356
00:20:30,807 --> 00:20:32,001
What's he doing here?
357
00:20:32,047 --> 00:20:36,040
Well, I had some time to spare,
although the crossword was a bit tricky today.
358
00:20:36,087 --> 00:20:38,681
14.5 minutes it took me.
359
00:20:38,727 --> 00:20:40,763
- How are you doing with...
- Oh, shut up!
360
00:20:40,807 --> 00:20:44,766
Don't tell him to shut up, he's giving me
the support I should be getting from you.
361
00:20:44,807 --> 00:20:46,001
- You shut up!
- You shut up!
362
00:20:46,047 --> 00:20:47,196
- No, you shut up!
- No, you shut up!
363
00:20:47,247 --> 00:20:49,681
Great! My first political debate!
364
00:20:51,567 --> 00:20:58,882
"Medieval stringer runs off after cross
to make Arab tub."
365
00:21:00,887 --> 00:21:04,482
Oh, I know it's some kind of North African boat.
366
00:21:04,527 --> 00:21:08,406
Five letters, blank E, blank E, blank.
367
00:21:11,647 --> 00:21:14,036
Level.
368
00:21:14,407 --> 00:21:16,682
Peter.
369
00:21:16,727 --> 00:21:18,285
Seven, no.
370
00:21:19,327 --> 00:21:20,646
Melee.
371
00:21:20,687 --> 00:21:23,281
- (Phone)
- Oh, bums!
372
00:21:23,327 --> 00:21:26,046
- What?
- Why haven't you come out to help me?
373
00:21:26,087 --> 00:21:29,443
Three reasons - it's ten past five,
I've got one clue left,
374
00:21:29,487 --> 00:21:32,285
and I'm trying to catch
the seven o'clock collection.
375
00:21:32,327 --> 00:21:34,887
You had one clue left three hours ago.
376
00:21:34,927 --> 00:21:36,246
It's a very long word.
377
00:21:36,287 --> 00:21:38,005
Oh, come on out!
378
00:21:38,047 --> 00:21:40,720
Get some fresh air, smell the excitement.
379
00:21:40,767 --> 00:21:44,601
I'm quite happy smelling the inside
of my own house, thank you very much.
380
00:21:44,647 --> 00:21:47,525
I see. You and your girlfriend?
381
00:21:48,607 --> 00:21:51,519
- My girlfriend?
- You know, Nicola.
382
00:21:51,567 --> 00:21:54,365
Her waters could be breaking any minute.
383
00:22:11,047 --> 00:22:16,565
I have one clue left
and have to catch the seven o'clock collection.
384
00:22:16,607 --> 00:22:18,438
Nicola?
385
00:22:24,367 --> 00:22:27,086
Nicola? Nicola?
386
00:22:27,887 --> 00:22:29,081
Heeey...
387
00:22:30,887 --> 00:22:33,117
Got ya!
388
00:22:33,927 --> 00:22:35,838
Duh! Duh!
389
00:22:35,887 --> 00:22:38,276
(Rants)
390
00:22:46,447 --> 00:22:49,007
Oh, yes! Yes!
391
00:22:52,527 --> 00:22:53,562
Dad?
392
00:22:53,607 --> 00:22:55,438
Hi, Mikey.
393
00:22:55,487 --> 00:22:57,603
- What are you doing?
- Nothing, nothing.
394
00:22:57,647 --> 00:23:00,081
Mikey...
395
00:23:00,127 --> 00:23:03,597
Life is short and death comes to us all,
396
00:23:03,647 --> 00:23:05,444
and when it comes, it comes.
397
00:23:05,487 --> 00:23:07,205
- Are you all right?
- I am fine.
398
00:23:07,247 --> 00:23:09,841
It's just that she...
Would you like to sit down?
399
00:23:09,887 --> 00:23:11,878
- No.
- Fine.
400
00:23:13,247 --> 00:23:15,636
It's just that Nicola...
401
00:23:15,687 --> 00:23:17,837
What about her?
402
00:23:17,887 --> 00:23:20,640
- She's gone to a better place.
- She's gone to the pet shop.
403
00:23:20,687 --> 00:23:24,441
The big pet shop in the sky,
where the great big pet shop owner
404
00:23:24,487 --> 00:23:27,206
looks after all the little animals.
405
00:23:27,247 --> 00:23:30,080
- Dad, Dad, it's all right.
- Yeah, good.
406
00:23:30,847 --> 00:23:32,883
Taking this well, kid.
407
00:23:32,927 --> 00:23:34,406
It's OK, it's OK.
408
00:23:35,687 --> 00:23:38,918
You can cry, just let it out.
409
00:23:38,967 --> 00:23:42,596
Believe me,
I felt like that ten minutes ago.
410
00:23:42,647 --> 00:23:45,605
I took Nicola back to the pet shop.
411
00:23:45,647 --> 00:23:46,762
Yes.
412
00:23:51,367 --> 00:23:52,686
When?
413
00:23:52,727 --> 00:23:54,843
Last Tuesday when you asked me to.
414
00:23:58,767 --> 00:24:01,156
So, what's that?
415
00:24:03,647 --> 00:24:05,763
Looks like a black woolly glove.
416
00:24:07,527 --> 00:24:10,917
Michael, why did you tell us it had escaped?
417
00:24:11,007 --> 00:24:14,124
Cos it was hilarious, Dad. Your faces.
418
00:24:15,447 --> 00:24:17,915
You know when I said life is short?
419
00:24:19,247 --> 00:24:21,124
You'll miss the post.
420
00:24:21,167 --> 00:24:23,840
I don't care, I couldn't get the last clue anyway.
421
00:24:23,887 --> 00:24:26,799
- Take your punishment like man.
- Oh, xebec!
422
00:24:29,167 --> 00:24:32,284
- What?
- Xebec, it's the clue you couldn't get.
423
00:24:32,327 --> 00:24:35,364
- (Whispers) Xebec?
- It's a three-masted Arab sailing ship.
424
00:24:35,407 --> 00:24:37,682
X-E-B-E-C.
425
00:24:37,727 --> 00:24:43,324
Oh, yes! X-E-B-E-C. Ha ha! Woo, woo!
426
00:24:45,807 --> 00:24:47,718
So simple.
427
00:24:50,007 --> 00:24:51,963
Oh, Ben, I'm so excited.
428
00:24:52,007 --> 00:24:53,360
This is it.
429
00:24:55,207 --> 00:24:56,560
Ahem.
430
00:24:56,607 --> 00:25:01,362
The number of votes cast in the election
was as follows.
431
00:25:01,407 --> 00:25:04,524
- George Edward Glover...
- Prat.
432
00:25:05,607 --> 00:25:09,202
- 931 votes.
- (Applause)
433
00:25:11,607 --> 00:25:15,600
- Susan Barrington Harper...
- Cautiously optimistic.
434
00:25:16,287 --> 00:25:17,766
Two votes.
435
00:25:17,807 --> 00:25:19,479
What?
436
00:25:19,527 --> 00:25:21,006
Two!
437
00:25:21,047 --> 00:25:23,641
I demand a recount.
438
00:25:23,967 --> 00:25:26,117
One, two.
439
00:25:26,167 --> 00:25:27,998
Mr George Glover.
440
00:25:31,487 --> 00:25:33,318
Thank you, Mr Returning Officer.
441
00:25:33,367 --> 00:25:38,646
It is customary to express one's gratitude
to the people who have aided my campaign.
442
00:25:38,687 --> 00:25:41,326
- My political agent...
- Sod it!
443
00:25:41,367 --> 00:25:44,120
- I voted for you.
- Of course you did, dear.
444
00:25:44,167 --> 00:25:47,443
Anyway, congratulations!
445
00:25:47,487 --> 00:25:50,160
It's a... a moral victory.
446
00:25:50,207 --> 00:25:51,799
How?
447
00:25:51,847 --> 00:25:54,680
Isn't that what kind people say to losers?
448
00:25:56,007 --> 00:25:58,157
- Hold on, if you voted for Mum...
- Yes.
449
00:25:58,207 --> 00:25:59,879
- You voted for yourself...
- Yes.
450
00:25:59,927 --> 00:26:03,203
And you voted for Mum...
Then it doesn't add up, does it?
451
00:26:03,247 --> 00:26:06,842
I mean three voters, only two votes.
One of you must be lying.
452
00:26:09,447 --> 00:26:11,358
That's academic.
453
00:26:11,407 --> 00:26:13,079
It's over now, isn't it?
454
00:26:14,127 --> 00:26:15,845
And that's just a theory.
455
00:26:16,767 --> 00:26:20,442
Anyway, maybe half the votes
went missing like in... Florida.
456
00:26:22,967 --> 00:26:24,878
Aren't you in enough trouble, as it is?
457
00:26:24,927 --> 00:26:27,316
Not as much as you are, Dad.
458
00:26:27,367 --> 00:26:30,803
I'm sorry, Susan, I had a lot on my mind. With...
459
00:26:30,847 --> 00:26:33,566
- Maybe next time.
- There won't be a next time,
460
00:26:33,607 --> 00:26:37,282
I had my moment and I blew it!
What are the chances of getting rid of him?
461
00:26:37,327 --> 00:26:40,558
And so in conclusion, Mr Returning Officer,
462
00:26:40,607 --> 00:26:43,679
now is the time to reveal my master plan.
463
00:26:43,727 --> 00:26:46,878
A three-pronged plan,
to combat the alien spacecraft,
464
00:26:46,927 --> 00:26:48,918
which even now approach our planet.
465
00:26:48,967 --> 00:26:51,925
First, we need to stockpile cheese,
second biscuits...
466
00:26:51,967 --> 00:26:54,606
- On the other hand.
...cheesy biscuits.
467
00:26:55,287 --> 00:27:01,760
What about this one?
"Susan Harper, soft, strong, and very long."
468
00:27:03,447 --> 00:27:05,597
Abi, it's over, I lost.
469
00:27:05,647 --> 00:27:08,161
Mm, I still think my slogan's better.
470
00:27:08,207 --> 00:27:10,402
- Here, here. Here you go.
- Have you won?
471
00:27:10,447 --> 00:27:12,085
Hang on, hang on.
472
00:27:13,127 --> 00:27:16,563
Oh... Harper! Harper! Yes, yes, I've won!
473
00:27:16,607 --> 00:27:18,484
Harper, Abi Harper!
474
00:27:18,527 --> 00:27:19,801
Ab... Abi?
475
00:27:19,847 --> 00:27:22,839
- Fantastic!
- Abi, you won The Times crossword.
476
00:27:22,887 --> 00:27:24,240
- Did I?
- Did she?
477
00:27:24,287 --> 00:27:26,437
No, I did, again.
478
00:27:26,487 --> 00:27:28,364
You entered under Abi's name.
479
00:27:28,407 --> 00:27:31,365
- I thought it'd be a nice gesture.
- What did I win?
480
00:27:31,407 --> 00:27:32,522
L20 gift voucher!
481
00:27:32,567 --> 00:27:34,364
Oh, is that all?
482
00:27:34,407 --> 00:27:36,318
Hardly worth the time and effort.
483
00:27:37,527 --> 00:27:41,361
- It should have been me.
- Don't worry, Ben, it's a moral victory.
484
00:27:42,287 --> 00:27:44,437
Where's my baseball bat?
485
00:27:44,487 --> 00:27:49,117
Oh, well, can't stop.
Off to vote for Susan, before the polls close.
486
00:27:50,087 --> 00:27:52,555
It's OK, I'll get it.
487
00:27:56,967 --> 00:27:59,527
(Springs creaking rhythmically)
488
00:28:08,647 --> 00:28:10,638
(Creaking)
38432
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