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1
00:00:21,287 --> 00:00:25,280
- Ben, Susan, Hi.
- Hi, did you get here all right?
2
00:00:25,327 --> 00:00:28,080
No, actually, we crashed on the A11 and died.
3
00:00:28,127 --> 00:00:31,802
Very good, Susan. I like a woman
with a sense of humour.
4
00:00:31,847 --> 00:00:35,760
- Stephanie here has none whatsoever.
- That's right.
5
00:00:35,807 --> 00:00:38,719
Thanks for agreeing
to flat-sit for us this weekend.
6
00:00:38,767 --> 00:00:41,122
No problem, Geoff,
nice to get out of the house.
7
00:00:41,167 --> 00:00:43,761
- Into someone else's.
- There you go again!
8
00:00:43,807 --> 00:00:48,722
- Stephanie, watch and learn.
- There's been a spate of burglaries.
9
00:00:48,767 --> 00:00:51,122
Having you here
will put our minds at rest
10
00:00:51,167 --> 00:00:55,399
while we spend the weekend
at our second home in the country.
11
00:00:56,487 --> 00:00:59,763
- See, not one trace of humour.
- Yeah.
12
00:00:59,807 --> 00:01:05,279
- Anyway, what do you think?
- Of what? The corridor?
13
00:01:05,327 --> 00:01:09,036
- It's lovely, isn't it, Susan?
- Yes, yes.
14
00:01:09,087 --> 00:01:13,524
Strictly a work in progress, of course.
We're still waiting for the carpets from Italy.
15
00:01:13,567 --> 00:01:14,602
Lovely.
16
00:01:14,647 --> 00:01:18,640
German fire extinguisher.
Blaupunkt, latest model.
17
00:01:18,687 --> 00:01:21,918
- No sign of the flat numbers.
- They're coming from Sweden.
18
00:01:21,967 --> 00:01:24,686
- Brushed pine.
- We're waiting for the wood to season.
19
00:01:24,727 --> 00:01:28,561
No problem, we'll just get a marker pen
and scrawl the number on the door.
20
00:01:30,487 --> 00:01:32,045
Joke.
21
00:01:32,087 --> 00:01:38,083
Electronic locking device, latest thing.
The key code is 6-4-7- 3.
22
00:01:39,647 --> 00:01:41,956
Don't worry it's... all in the instructions.
23
00:01:42,007 --> 00:01:45,886
Bound in Belgian calf's leather,
printed on Mexican vellum?
24
00:01:45,927 --> 00:01:47,918
That's right.
25
00:01:52,807 --> 00:01:54,479
(Geoff) Lights.
26
00:01:54,527 --> 00:01:58,725
Oh that is fantastic!
Did you see that, Susan?
27
00:01:58,767 --> 00:02:03,045
- Voice activated lighting!
- Gosh, and I thought it was a goblin!
28
00:02:04,527 --> 00:02:09,078
- My God, you've been burgled already.
- No, no, no. It's minimalist.
29
00:02:09,127 --> 00:02:12,244
- It's a design choice.
- You chose this?
30
00:02:12,287 --> 00:02:13,276
Yes.
31
00:02:15,367 --> 00:02:17,801
- It's lovely.
- Thanks, Susan.
32
00:02:17,847 --> 00:02:22,637
Well, look, we really ought to shoot,
if we're going to miss the traffic.
33
00:02:22,687 --> 00:02:24,882
So, anyroad up,
34
00:02:24,927 --> 00:02:30,240
if there's any problems, our number's
with the instructions in the kitchen drawer.
35
00:02:30,287 --> 00:02:31,800
- Cheerio.
- Bye.
36
00:02:31,847 --> 00:02:34,884
- Enjoy.
- Back at ya.
37
00:02:36,407 --> 00:02:40,036
Wow! Whoa! Wow!
38
00:02:41,287 --> 00:02:46,680
Look at that, no mess, no clutter... no kids.
39
00:02:48,207 --> 00:02:49,879
What do you think?
40
00:02:49,927 --> 00:02:54,557
I don't like the colours or the design
and where are the knick-knacks?
41
00:02:54,607 --> 00:02:58,520
- It's new, it's fresh, it's modern.
- Looks like nobody lives here.
42
00:02:58,567 --> 00:03:00,842
Oh... Even better.
43
00:03:00,887 --> 00:03:04,482
We could do it up,
with your design skills and my furniture.
44
00:03:04,527 --> 00:03:06,358
We're only here for the weekend.
45
00:03:06,407 --> 00:03:11,720
I know, but looking ahead, this place might
make the perfect retirement home.
46
00:03:11,767 --> 00:03:15,965
And looking not so far ahead, this African
sculpture might make a handy weapon.
47
00:03:16,007 --> 00:03:21,718
Susan, Geoff says there are 40 flats still
available, which means it's a buyer's market!
48
00:03:21,767 --> 00:03:23,962
Or nobody wants to live here.
49
00:03:24,887 --> 00:03:28,675
You know my dream house
is a little cottage in the country,
50
00:03:28,727 --> 00:03:31,844
- with roses round the door.
- I know, darling. I know.
51
00:03:31,887 --> 00:03:37,245
That's why I've arranged this weekend
to drive that damn silly notion out of your head.
52
00:03:37,287 --> 00:03:39,721
Ben Harper... master of the soft sell.
53
00:03:39,767 --> 00:03:43,442
Anyway, you think you like the country,
but you don't.
54
00:03:43,487 --> 00:03:45,955
You don't know what I like or don't like.
55
00:03:46,007 --> 00:03:48,567
- Oh, I think I do.
- Sometimes I fake.
56
00:03:48,607 --> 00:03:51,804
People have been living...
What? You don't, do you?
57
00:03:52,647 --> 00:03:54,365
Go on.
58
00:03:54,407 --> 00:03:58,525
- People have lived in cities for years.
- And in the country longer.
59
00:03:58,567 --> 00:04:02,082
Exactly, the country's old-fashioned,
out of date!
60
00:04:02,127 --> 00:04:05,642
- Oh! Oh my Go... Look at this.
- What?
61
00:04:05,687 --> 00:04:08,201
Oh, isn't it magnificent?
62
00:04:09,767 --> 00:04:12,281
What am I supposed to be looking at?
63
00:04:12,327 --> 00:04:14,682
- London.
- Oh, that.
64
00:04:15,647 --> 00:04:19,037
All I see are other tower blocks,
where are the sheep, the cows?
65
00:04:19,087 --> 00:04:23,080
- There, in the Tate Modern.
- Where's the fresh air? The breeze?
66
00:04:23,127 --> 00:04:25,322
Simple, you open the window.
67
00:04:26,127 --> 00:04:30,006
- Open... where... can you see a latch?
- There aren't any.
68
00:04:30,047 --> 00:04:32,686
You probably don't have to,
with air conditioning.
69
00:04:32,727 --> 00:04:38,563
So, here we are, stuck in a glass case.
All that's missing is the formaldehyde.
70
00:04:38,607 --> 00:04:44,125
What you need, my good lady,
is a crash course on the 20th century.
71
00:04:44,167 --> 00:04:48,240
- It's the 21st century.
- True. Numbers.
72
00:04:48,287 --> 00:04:49,879
Look at this, look at this.
73
00:04:49,927 --> 00:04:54,284
48-inch plasma flat screen, wow!
74
00:04:55,807 --> 00:05:01,484
Can't stand him. Can't stand her,
Oh, God, not them again.
75
00:05:01,527 --> 00:05:03,518
They're still making this rubbish?
76
00:05:03,567 --> 00:05:07,845
They're the same programmes we have
at home and I dare say in the country.
77
00:05:07,887 --> 00:05:10,242
Never mind.
78
00:05:10,287 --> 00:05:13,643
We'll watch a DVD.
79
00:05:13,687 --> 00:05:16,838
DVD. Must be a cupboard over there somewhere.
80
00:05:17,927 --> 00:05:19,918
Cupboard.
81
00:05:26,127 --> 00:05:28,687
Ben, is it just me, or do they not have a loo?
82
00:05:28,727 --> 00:05:33,517
Have a feel over there, and keep trying
till you find a loo or a DVD. I don't care which.
83
00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:36,081
I know! Instructions in the drawer.
84
00:05:43,287 --> 00:05:45,005
Ben, can you see a drawer?
85
00:05:49,127 --> 00:05:51,277
- Any luck?
- What do you think?
86
00:05:52,087 --> 00:05:53,964
I'd murder a cup of tea.
87
00:05:55,007 --> 00:05:56,725
Aha!
88
00:05:56,767 --> 00:05:58,962
Tea, tea, any of these look like tea?
89
00:05:59,007 --> 00:06:04,127
Aha! The question is academic, Susan.
I found the beer.
90
00:06:06,247 --> 00:06:10,923
Bottle opener? Bottle... opener.
Have you seen a bottle opener?
91
00:06:10,967 --> 00:06:13,686
- Why not try the drawer?
- Right, the dr...
92
00:06:14,447 --> 00:06:18,042
- How's it going with the tea?
- I found some cardamom pods.
93
00:06:18,087 --> 00:06:21,204
Oh, remember where they are,
it may come to that.
94
00:06:22,247 --> 00:06:27,640
Ha! Look at this. Here's something you
don't get in the country, Silver Service.
95
00:06:27,687 --> 00:06:33,796
"A range of romantic gourmet dinners,
delivered to your door, candles included."
96
00:06:33,847 --> 00:06:38,602
- We've already eaten.
- Not tonight, I'm thinking when we move here.
97
00:06:38,647 --> 00:06:43,163
- Right, OK, old Boy Scout trick.
- You weren't in the Boy Scouts.
98
00:06:43,207 --> 00:06:47,405
No, but we captured one and tortured him
until he told us his secrets.
99
00:06:50,847 --> 00:06:53,236
Oh, my God, Ben!
100
00:06:54,927 --> 00:06:58,044
It's OK, I'll get a man in tomorrow. It's fine.
101
00:06:58,087 --> 00:07:00,840
That's travertine marble
from the Monte Pisano.
102
00:07:00,887 --> 00:07:04,721
- There must be a branch nearby.
- It's a mountain in Italy.
103
00:07:06,247 --> 00:07:08,397
We'll give them the money.
104
00:07:10,927 --> 00:07:13,680
There's all the new, trendy restaurants here.
105
00:07:13,727 --> 00:07:18,118
- Burger King?
- We saw that Michelin place.
106
00:07:18,167 --> 00:07:21,955
- That was a tyre fitter.
- It had three stars, though.
107
00:07:24,367 --> 00:07:26,358
(Exaggerated choking)
108
00:07:28,887 --> 00:07:31,447
Peugh! Peugh!
109
00:07:31,487 --> 00:07:34,479
Something wrong with the tea, darling?
110
00:07:35,207 --> 00:07:38,995
It's not tea... it's bouquet garni.
111
00:07:40,287 --> 00:07:42,755
Just pretend it's Bovril.
112
00:07:46,327 --> 00:07:49,046
Mm. Not bad.
113
00:07:49,087 --> 00:07:52,966
There you go, things are looking up.
114
00:07:53,007 --> 00:07:56,204
Ben, there is no way I'm buying
a flat round here.
115
00:07:57,127 --> 00:07:59,846
OK. OK.
116
00:08:00,807 --> 00:08:03,241
I give up. Yup, your mind's closed.
117
00:08:04,487 --> 00:08:05,886
Yep. Shame.
118
00:08:05,927 --> 00:08:10,921
When you're dead set against something
there's no point in reasoning with you.
119
00:08:10,967 --> 00:08:15,324
- Good.
- You're supposed to contradict me.
120
00:08:15,967 --> 00:08:20,597
- Why? You're quite right.
- I was trying reverse psychology.
121
00:08:20,647 --> 00:08:23,719
That's why I've reversed it back.
122
00:08:23,767 --> 00:08:25,359
There's no arguing with you.
123
00:08:25,407 --> 00:08:27,557
That's right.
124
00:08:27,607 --> 00:08:32,476
- Enjoy your beer?
- Enjoy your... stew juice?
125
00:08:34,567 --> 00:08:37,240
(Drumming)
126
00:08:38,167 --> 00:08:40,283
What are you doing?
127
00:08:40,327 --> 00:08:42,477
I'm trying to find the toilet.
128
00:08:42,527 --> 00:08:46,202
I should have guessed from the rhythm.
That's no good, let me try.
129
00:08:46,247 --> 00:08:50,763
Hang on, hang on. It's over here.
I can hear running water.
130
00:08:52,087 --> 00:08:55,045
- It's probably the boiler.
- It's the cistern.
131
00:08:55,087 --> 00:08:56,406
Are you sure?
132
00:08:56,447 --> 00:09:01,043
Are you saying I can't tell between running
water in a boiler and running water in a cistern?
133
00:09:01,087 --> 00:09:05,000
I'm the expert on gurgling fluids,
I've slept next to you for 25 years.
134
00:09:05,047 --> 00:09:10,599
- This is the bathroom, how do you open it?
- It's probably in the instruction...
135
00:09:11,367 --> 00:09:16,157
Ah. I know. Another old Boy Scout trick.
136
00:09:16,207 --> 00:09:19,517
- That kid must have sung like a canary.
- Stand aside, woman.
137
00:09:23,607 --> 00:09:24,596
Ah.
138
00:09:28,607 --> 00:09:31,280
They don't make African sculptures
like they use to.
139
00:09:31,327 --> 00:09:34,399
The one thing in the entire flat,
and you have to break it.
140
00:09:34,447 --> 00:09:39,316
A dab of superglue will fix it.
I'll pop down the newsagent's in the morning.
141
00:09:39,367 --> 00:09:43,280
There's nothing here.
No shops, no cafés, no sheep.
142
00:09:43,327 --> 00:09:46,603
The only going concern I've seen
was a lap dancing club.
143
00:09:46,647 --> 00:09:48,763
There you go, part-time job for you.
144
00:09:48,807 --> 00:09:52,436
- As a lap dancer?
- Don't be silly, Susan. Receptionist.
145
00:09:52,487 --> 00:09:56,799
There you go, just for the job.
Thank you. Now, stand aside.
146
00:09:59,887 --> 00:10:02,606
- Ben, you idiot!
- You handed it to me.
147
00:10:02,647 --> 00:10:04,638
I was happy with the sculpture!
148
00:10:04,687 --> 00:10:10,239
- How are we going to explain this?
- They'll laugh it off. Well... Geoff will.
149
00:10:10,287 --> 00:10:12,676
Anyway, we're saving them from being burgled.
150
00:10:12,727 --> 00:10:16,845
They won't worry about
a... little splinter on their precious wall.
151
00:10:16,887 --> 00:10:20,323
And a broken African sculpture
and a chipped marble table top.
152
00:10:20,367 --> 00:10:26,556
Oh... A bit of Blu Tack here and a lick of paint.
I'll get a man in tomorrow.
153
00:10:28,167 --> 00:10:32,160
There you go, you see, there. The...
154
00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:35,719
boiler cupboard.
155
00:10:37,687 --> 00:10:42,477
- At least we know where the boiler is.
- And we found the toilet. That's a relief.
156
00:10:42,527 --> 00:10:46,315
Yeah, that's another door we'll have to repair.
157
00:10:47,847 --> 00:10:49,803
We'll bung them some money.
158
00:10:50,847 --> 00:10:54,840
I know what you're doing,
you're trying to buy this flat bit by bit.
159
00:10:55,847 --> 00:10:59,886
- Hmm. That's not a bad idea.
- No, it's a very bad idea.
160
00:11:00,887 --> 00:11:04,516
- We don't know anyone in the country.
- We don't know anyone here.
161
00:11:04,567 --> 00:11:07,559
The people we don't know here
are more like us.
162
00:11:07,607 --> 00:11:10,326
You have to live in the country for 20 years
163
00:11:10,367 --> 00:11:13,962
before they'll say good morning.
We'll be treated like pariahs.
164
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:18,125
- You like being left alone.
- Not by country people, bloody insult.
165
00:11:19,007 --> 00:11:22,283
Then there's GM crops, pesticides,
166
00:11:23,087 --> 00:11:24,918
- foot-and-mouth...
- Ben...
167
00:11:24,967 --> 00:11:26,605
...village idiots...
- Ben.
168
00:11:26,647 --> 00:11:28,922
- What?
- I've gone to sleep.
169
00:11:28,967 --> 00:11:31,765
OK, OK. Lights!
170
00:11:36,367 --> 00:11:38,437
Lights!
171
00:11:40,407 --> 00:11:42,204
Lights!
172
00:11:50,767 --> 00:11:56,637
- What a terrible night.
- Oh, we're not still in this bloody flat?
173
00:11:57,687 --> 00:12:00,599
Good morning, darling, sleep well?
174
00:12:00,647 --> 00:12:05,721
I had a dream about being in a lovely
four-poster bed in the country
175
00:12:05,807 --> 00:12:12,246
and it was dark, quiet, nothing to be heard
but the gentle lowing of cows.
176
00:12:12,287 --> 00:12:17,805
And the milk machine coming on at 3am,
and the generator in the grain silo,
177
00:12:17,847 --> 00:12:20,520
and the drone of the crop sprayers.
178
00:12:20,567 --> 00:12:25,004
You're always complaining about the country,
we're not even there.
179
00:12:25,047 --> 00:12:28,198
Oh, you were listening, good. I can stop now.
180
00:12:29,727 --> 00:12:32,036
Anyway, I'm going to make breakfast.
181
00:12:32,087 --> 00:12:34,965
Fancy some tea or some gravy?
182
00:12:35,007 --> 00:12:38,556
Ben, it's 2:46am.
183
00:12:38,607 --> 00:12:43,886
Oh, for pity's sake!
Why can't we turn these bloody lights off?!
184
00:12:46,247 --> 00:12:48,124
(Ben) There we go, that's better.
185
00:12:48,167 --> 00:12:50,635
Stupid bloody place.
186
00:12:50,687 --> 00:12:52,643
What an idiotic set up this is...
187
00:12:52,687 --> 00:12:56,521
Not that I'm knocking it, mind.
I mean, it's a lovely flat.
188
00:13:06,207 --> 00:13:11,122
- Well, that... that was an interesting walk.
- Interesting that you found it interesting.
189
00:13:11,167 --> 00:13:15,046
- Think we shook those kids off?
- By the proposed new car park.
190
00:13:15,087 --> 00:13:19,638
Kids today! Thank God they're all obese.
191
00:13:19,687 --> 00:13:23,475
Unbelievable.
Miles and miles of dusty concrete,
192
00:13:23,527 --> 00:13:27,202
punctuated by the occasional oil drum
and burnt-out car.
193
00:13:27,247 --> 00:13:31,604
The only trace of life was a sign reading
"Fatal stabbing, can you help?"
194
00:13:32,407 --> 00:13:35,479
Come on, cheer up.
I've arranged a surprise for you.
195
00:13:35,527 --> 00:13:37,802
- I don't like surprises.
- You'll like this one.
196
00:13:37,847 --> 00:13:39,644
- I doubt it.
- I think you will.
197
00:13:39,687 --> 00:13:41,359
- I think I won't.
- Oh, stop it!
198
00:13:41,407 --> 00:13:42,920
- Look if you...
- (Door buzzer)
199
00:13:42,967 --> 00:13:45,527
Here we go.
200
00:13:49,007 --> 00:13:51,282
Come on up mate, tenth floor, OK?
201
00:13:56,047 --> 00:14:00,120
Don't tell me it's one of those
stupid romantic meals on a trolley
202
00:14:00,167 --> 00:14:02,078
with a candle and a flower.
203
00:14:03,247 --> 00:14:05,397
Wait and see.
204
00:14:07,007 --> 00:14:11,797
- It doesn't look any better in the dark.
- Oh, Susan, it's not that bad.
205
00:14:11,847 --> 00:14:18,366
You know, the city at night.
Has a quiet dignity, a serene romance.
206
00:14:18,407 --> 00:14:22,764
Look, look at that
pretty, twinkling light down there.
207
00:14:22,807 --> 00:14:25,605
- It's an ambulance.
- Is it?
208
00:14:25,647 --> 00:14:29,037
Probably fishing some bloated kid
out of the dock.
209
00:14:29,767 --> 00:14:32,156
Come on, darling, what is it?
210
00:14:33,487 --> 00:14:37,275
What's wrong with living out
our twilight years in the city, eh?
211
00:14:38,607 --> 00:14:41,519
What is this obsession with the country?
212
00:14:44,007 --> 00:14:46,043
I want to be like The Archers.
213
00:14:48,247 --> 00:14:51,876
- What?
- You know, on the radio.
214
00:14:51,927 --> 00:14:56,239
I want to live in a village,
walk up Lakey Hill with Shula.
215
00:14:57,407 --> 00:14:58,920
Take a bus to Felpersham.
216
00:14:59,767 --> 00:15:04,204
Oh, Susan. The Archers isn't what it was, darling.
217
00:15:05,047 --> 00:15:07,481
They've been hit by crime, like the rest of us.
218
00:15:07,527 --> 00:15:10,405
Joy ridings, shootings, horse mutilations...
219
00:15:12,727 --> 00:15:15,525
several thefts of agricultural machinery.
220
00:15:17,167 --> 00:15:19,556
Not to mention Brian Aldridge's adultery.
221
00:15:19,607 --> 00:15:21,643
Oh...
222
00:15:21,687 --> 00:15:25,441
Yeah... he had that car crash coming to him.
223
00:15:25,487 --> 00:15:27,523
You do listen to it.
224
00:15:27,567 --> 00:15:30,081
Yeah. No choice, most of the time.
225
00:15:31,367 --> 00:15:33,642
Do you enjoy it?
226
00:15:36,287 --> 00:15:37,640
Sometimes.
227
00:15:37,687 --> 00:15:39,200
Where's that dinner?
228
00:15:39,247 --> 00:15:43,957
Tell you what, you go and find out,
and I'll slip into something romantic.
229
00:15:45,487 --> 00:15:46,886
A hot bath.
230
00:15:52,327 --> 00:15:55,558
I buzzed him into the building half an hour ago!
231
00:15:56,407 --> 00:16:00,798
Look, mate, the dinner is getting cold,
232
00:16:00,847 --> 00:16:03,236
and my wife is getting hot.
233
00:16:04,607 --> 00:16:07,565
How do I know? Because she's having a wash.
234
00:16:08,407 --> 00:16:12,241
Look, I think this
is getting a bit too detailed. OK?
235
00:16:12,287 --> 00:16:14,721
Why don't we just cancel the whole thing?
236
00:16:14,767 --> 00:16:19,238
- (Susan) Everything all right, dear?
- Yeah, yeah everything is fine. Yeah.
237
00:16:19,287 --> 00:16:22,006
Got a backup plan.
238
00:16:22,047 --> 00:16:24,436
Hello. Uncle Peppi's Pizza Parlour?
239
00:16:26,887 --> 00:16:31,563
Yeah, I can see him. Yeah, big bloke
on a small moped with medium pizza.
240
00:16:32,847 --> 00:16:34,883
Tell him to look up.
241
00:16:35,927 --> 00:16:38,122
Yeah, tell him I'm waving.
242
00:16:38,687 --> 00:16:41,281
Yes, tell him this is the flat to head for.
243
00:16:43,727 --> 00:16:47,322
Yes, he's waving back.
Yes, we are waving at each other.
244
00:16:48,287 --> 00:16:51,518
Look, I'm not going to let this go.
Lovely frock.
245
00:16:53,207 --> 00:16:56,279
Tell him I'll buzz him into the building
and I'll be waiting.
246
00:16:57,767 --> 00:16:59,200
Right.
247
00:17:02,727 --> 00:17:04,718
Where is he? Can you see him?
248
00:17:04,767 --> 00:17:06,519
There's no one down there.
249
00:17:06,567 --> 00:17:11,482
- That's weird.
- It's this building, it's not right.
250
00:17:12,407 --> 00:17:16,559
- It's like it's developing a personality.
- Ah, now it has character.
251
00:17:16,607 --> 00:17:19,679
Perhaps...
Perhaps there's something out there.
252
00:17:19,727 --> 00:17:21,080
Like what?
253
00:17:21,127 --> 00:17:23,925
If I knew what it was, I'd call it by its name.
254
00:17:23,967 --> 00:17:28,006
- I'm going to find this guy.
- Don't leave me here with The Thing.
255
00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:31,881
Susan, The Thing isn't up here,
it's out there, according to you.
256
00:17:31,927 --> 00:17:35,124
One of us has got to stay here
in case he turns up.
257
00:17:35,167 --> 00:17:37,601
- I'm not staying here.
- You go out and look.
258
00:17:37,647 --> 00:17:38,841
Not alone!
259
00:17:38,887 --> 00:17:43,597
All right, while you make up your mind,
I'm going to go find our super.
260
00:17:47,207 --> 00:17:50,358
- I told you to wait up here.
- You must never split up.
261
00:17:50,407 --> 00:17:51,476
What?
262
00:17:51,527 --> 00:17:54,724
When people split up,
something horrible happens to them.
263
00:17:57,727 --> 00:18:02,847
No, when people split up, they lose their kids
and in-laws. How can that be horrible?
264
00:18:02,887 --> 00:18:03,876
Ha ha!
265
00:18:03,927 --> 00:18:06,999
We're hunting for a pizza delivery man,
not the Alien.
266
00:18:07,047 --> 00:18:09,197
Yes, but the point is made.
267
00:18:10,367 --> 00:18:12,835
Ben! Ben!
268
00:18:23,407 --> 00:18:24,442
Hello!
269
00:18:25,807 --> 00:18:27,479
Hello!
270
00:18:28,167 --> 00:18:29,919
Pizza man!
271
00:18:36,567 --> 00:18:39,320
Ben! Ben! Damn.
272
00:18:47,167 --> 00:18:49,727
Hello! Hello!
273
00:18:51,647 --> 00:18:53,160
Hello!
274
00:18:58,247 --> 00:18:59,885
Ben? Ben?
275
00:19:31,367 --> 00:19:33,722
Ben? Ben?
276
00:20:04,807 --> 00:20:10,359
Hello? Uncle Peppi's Pizza Parlour?
Yup, I'd like to speak to Uncle Peppi, please.
277
00:20:11,087 --> 00:20:13,362
Oh, is he? Auntie Peppi then.
278
00:20:14,647 --> 00:20:17,115
Look, this is Harper.
279
00:20:17,167 --> 00:20:19,840
We are still waiting!
280
00:20:19,887 --> 00:20:23,596
It can't be hard to find us,
we're the only people in the building!
281
00:20:23,647 --> 00:20:28,641
He's a pizza man, God damn it! Don't you
give them motion detectors or something?
282
00:20:30,287 --> 00:20:34,200
Oi! You! Come here!
283
00:21:00,327 --> 00:21:02,557
Ben!
284
00:21:02,607 --> 00:21:04,404
Hey! You!
285
00:21:06,927 --> 00:21:08,485
Hey!
286
00:21:14,487 --> 00:21:16,876
Oh, my God!
287
00:21:32,847 --> 00:21:35,236
Ooh.
288
00:22:07,127 --> 00:22:09,846
Susan? Susan!
289
00:22:09,887 --> 00:22:11,878
Aaaahhh!
290
00:22:13,047 --> 00:22:15,083
Mmmm!
291
00:22:16,967 --> 00:22:19,356
Oh, I've had enough of this.
292
00:22:42,447 --> 00:22:44,563
Janey?
293
00:22:44,607 --> 00:22:46,484
Mikey?
294
00:22:46,527 --> 00:22:47,846
Nick?
295
00:22:49,407 --> 00:22:51,762
(Chuckles) Answer came there none.
296
00:22:53,447 --> 00:22:56,519
Oh yes, this is the life.
297
00:22:56,567 --> 00:22:58,205
Oh, no, I don't like her.
298
00:22:58,847 --> 00:23:00,565
I can't stand him.
299
00:23:00,607 --> 00:23:03,075
They're not making this rubbish still?
300
00:23:03,127 --> 00:23:05,960
Aha!
301
00:23:06,007 --> 00:23:07,884
Die Hard.
302
00:23:07,927 --> 00:23:09,918
(Phone)
303
00:23:09,967 --> 00:23:11,958
(Phone vibrates)
304
00:23:15,487 --> 00:23:21,642
Listen, you know what you can do
with your pizza? I'd rather eat my own foot.
305
00:23:21,687 --> 00:23:25,760
- (Susan) It's me.
- Oh, Susan, are you OK?
306
00:23:25,807 --> 00:23:29,322
- I'm fine, where are you?
- I'm in the sitting room.
307
00:23:29,367 --> 00:23:32,165
- Where are you?
- I'm in the sitting room.
308
00:23:36,887 --> 00:23:39,082
- Whereabouts?
- On the sofa.
309
00:23:42,807 --> 00:23:44,843
I'm in the wrong flat, aren't I?
310
00:23:59,447 --> 00:24:01,677
Hello, it's me.
311
00:24:02,567 --> 00:24:04,444
Ben, you idiot.
312
00:24:04,487 --> 00:24:07,524
That phrase trips too easily off your tongue.
313
00:24:07,567 --> 00:24:11,606
Practice makes perfect.
How on earth did you end up in the wrong flat?
314
00:24:11,647 --> 00:24:15,003
- Must have cracked the... door code.
- You cracked the door.
315
00:24:15,047 --> 00:24:17,436
- No.
- Fire extinguisher, was it?
316
00:24:17,487 --> 00:24:19,364
Yes.
317
00:24:19,407 --> 00:24:22,365
- How will we explain that?
- They won't know it's me.
318
00:24:22,407 --> 00:24:26,559
We're the only people here, apart from that
top-hatted fool I saw in the distance.
319
00:24:26,607 --> 00:24:27,960
(Knock on door)
320
00:24:28,007 --> 00:24:29,884
Aha.
321
00:24:32,047 --> 00:24:34,038
Dinner is served.
322
00:24:40,967 --> 00:24:42,286
The door won't open.
323
00:24:42,727 --> 00:24:44,718
- Oh, come on!
- You must have locked it.
324
00:24:44,767 --> 00:24:48,316
- No!
- This would never happen in the country.
325
00:24:48,367 --> 00:24:51,564
No, you'd have a rusty iron key
on a string by the drainpipe,
326
00:24:51,607 --> 00:24:55,077
you'd have a breezeblock propping
the door shut, in the country...
327
00:24:55,127 --> 00:24:56,276
- Ben...
- What?
328
00:24:56,327 --> 00:24:58,283
Pizza.
329
00:24:58,327 --> 00:25:00,557
It's no good, mate, we can't open the door.
330
00:25:00,607 --> 00:25:02,325
(Muffled response)
331
00:25:06,167 --> 00:25:07,520
Worth a try, go ahead.
332
00:25:13,167 --> 00:25:14,486
Where's the topping?
333
00:25:22,247 --> 00:25:25,319
So this my surprise. You're a romantic.
334
00:25:26,087 --> 00:25:29,318
I'll have you know,
there are four types of cheese on that.
335
00:25:29,367 --> 00:25:32,325
All right, OK, here.
336
00:25:32,367 --> 00:25:35,837
And I want change,
don't think you're getting away with a tip...
337
00:25:37,247 --> 00:25:39,158
Oi! Oi!
338
00:25:39,207 --> 00:25:41,118
My... my change!
339
00:25:41,167 --> 00:25:44,000
Leave it, Ben, we can't afford
to break another door.
340
00:25:46,007 --> 00:25:48,521
Sorry. Complete disaster.
341
00:25:48,567 --> 00:25:50,683
So much for my romantic evening!
342
00:25:50,727 --> 00:25:55,118
All I have to do is scoop it off the floor and
pop it under the grill for a couple of minutes.
343
00:25:55,167 --> 00:25:56,998
Oh!
344
00:25:57,047 --> 00:25:58,446
Yum, yum.
345
00:26:00,447 --> 00:26:03,996
Now... what would Nigella do?
346
00:26:09,927 --> 00:26:12,680
Don't worry,
we'll swap it with the one downstairs.
347
00:26:15,647 --> 00:26:17,683
Here you go.
348
00:26:17,727 --> 00:26:19,843
Bet the country looks good to you now?
349
00:26:19,887 --> 00:26:25,564
Yeah... but I'm sure there's a happy medium
between the city and the country.
350
00:26:25,607 --> 00:26:28,326
Not... Wokingham?
351
00:26:29,167 --> 00:26:31,123
No!
352
00:26:31,167 --> 00:26:35,046
No, I was thinking more the house
we have at the moment.
353
00:26:35,087 --> 00:26:39,683
- Yeah, I could buy a couple of pigs.
- I could concrete over the lawn.
354
00:26:43,367 --> 00:26:45,323
Do you smell burning?
355
00:26:46,367 --> 00:26:48,278
The pizza!
356
00:26:48,327 --> 00:26:52,115
Oh, God! It's burning! It's burning!
We're on fire, Susan, we're on fire!
357
00:26:52,167 --> 00:26:54,237
- Don't worry, I got it.
- Ben, put it out.
358
00:26:54,287 --> 00:26:57,085
I got it! Don't worry. Oh, my God, it's burning.
359
00:26:57,127 --> 00:26:58,685
Don't bring it over here!
360
00:26:58,727 --> 00:27:02,686
Really burning! We're in big trouble!
We're in big trouble!
361
00:27:02,727 --> 00:27:04,365
Open the window!
362
00:27:04,407 --> 00:27:06,159
We can't, they don't open!
363
00:27:06,207 --> 00:27:09,244
Do something! Do something!
364
00:27:29,447 --> 00:27:31,438
Yes! Yes!
365
00:27:31,487 --> 00:27:33,318
Yes!
366
00:27:47,207 --> 00:27:49,675
We'll get a new table.
367
00:27:49,727 --> 00:27:52,560
That carpet... we'll patch that up.
368
00:27:52,607 --> 00:27:55,963
- Glaziers in the morning.
- New DVD player.
369
00:27:56,007 --> 00:27:57,759
New TV.
370
00:27:59,007 --> 00:28:01,521
Well... I think we got away with it.
371
00:28:01,567 --> 00:28:03,080
Yeah.
372
00:28:05,087 --> 00:28:07,920
Ahh! Pah!
373
00:28:11,127 --> 00:28:12,958
Waaaah!
374
00:28:17,207 --> 00:28:20,995
It... it was terrible, Geoff, terrible.
375
00:28:21,047 --> 00:28:24,835
Yeah. Yeah. They just broke in, yeah, tied us up.
376
00:28:24,887 --> 00:28:27,447
Two fat kids.
377
00:28:27,487 --> 00:28:29,637
Oh, no, don't blame yourselves, mate.
378
00:28:29,687 --> 00:28:33,521
Listen, we're fine, we're fine.
We're in the hospital.
379
00:28:34,367 --> 00:28:37,200
It's just shock. Yeah.
380
00:28:37,247 --> 00:28:41,081
Hey. No, no, no.
If I were you, I'd stay in the country. Bye.
381
00:28:41,927 --> 00:28:43,724
- Ben, good news.
- What?
382
00:28:43,767 --> 00:28:46,679
I found the instruction book.
30579
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