All language subtitles for My Family - S04E14 - Sixty Feet Under TVRIP special

So, we've done DH Evans, John Lewis,
Selfridges, Hamleys, Liberty's.

Yes, I'd say we'd made a pretty good start.

Start?
Susan, as far as I'm concerned, that's it.

Yes, well, that's the family done.
Now we've got to do the neighbours.

Neighbours? Why do we have to buy presents
for the neighbours?

Because you keep upsetting them.

If they don't like it, they can always move.

They do.

- I've got a lovely present for Terry.
- Who's Terry?

- The milkman.
- We haven't got a milkman.

We stopped buying milk from him in 1998.

Yes, but he's... Well, he's Terry.

It's just a little something.

- Silver snuff box.
- What?

What on earth would he want to use that for?

To keep his snuff in.

Or, failing that, salt.

- When did you start doing this?
- Only since 1998.

Since we'd stopped buying milk from him.
Well, I feel... I feel guilty.

- Huh! I feel shafted.
- Where's your Christmas spirit?

Where's my gun?

What have you got there?

- 12 bottles of mineral water.
- What?

Always give 'em something you want yourself.

- You want mineral water?
- I did when I bought them.

Little tip.
Never go shopping when you're thirsty.

Is this train ever gonna move?

"Take the tube," she said.

"There'll be jams, you'll be stuck in the car
for hours, there'll be nowhere to park."

- You swear less on the tube.
- We'll see.

(Man) Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your driver speaking.

We apologise for the delay to your journey.

At the moment,
there is a red signal against us,

but we should be on our way very shortly.

- Oh, for crying out loud.
- Ben, calm down. It's only been five minutes.

That's how it always starts.

With five minutes,

then ten...

then half an hour, then an hour,

then two hours.

- Then a month...
- Nick.

- Then two months.
- Nick!

Then a year!

Could you please get your son to be quiet?

No, but you have a go, by all means.

He's making my wife nervous.

- You'll get used to it.
- That's right, nothing to do with you.

Wash your hands of it.

Don't worry, he has.

(Yawns loudly)

- What did you say?
- I didn't say anything.

I was thinking about saying
what an utter waste of time this is,

but I didn't want to waste my breath.

But now I have. Thanks a lot.

The glass is always half-empty with you,
isn't it?

Half-empty, cracked,

chipped... dirty...

smeared with toxic germ-ridden radioactive...

Anyway...

I believe in making the best of a bad situation.

...putrefying...
- That's why our marriage has lasted this long.

Sorry for the continued delay.
This signal's still against us.

We're just waiting for a clear from
the line controller and we'll be on our way.

Almost convincing, isn't it?

It's a recording... on a loop.

There's no driver. He's gone.

Outta here at the first sign of trouble.

We're all alone.

I won't ask you again.

Deal.

I've had enough of this.

- Where are you going?
- For a walk.

- A walk? Where?
- Just a walk.

All right, as long as you're back by half-past.

Michael, Michael, hey, hey, hey!
You can't go through there.

- Who says?
- The sign says "For use in emergency only."

- Well, this is an emergency. I'm bored.
- Michael...

- Let him go.
- Oh, let him go, let him go!

If he breaks one law, what's to stop
someone else from breaking another law?

Then the whole edifice comes crumbling down
and you get people garrotting each other.

Ben... he's only gone through a door.

It's the door to anarchy!

Know your place.

Don't take risks.

- Don't stick your neck out.
- Don't kill your wife.

Don't dismember her body,
don't bury her under a rugby pitch.

Read your book.

Hey, Dad. Dad.

- This is like that film, innit?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The Taking of Pelham One Two Three.

No.

Cannibal Holocaust.

Oh, I can't take much more of this.

Come on, Ben,
it's an opportunity to meet new people.

Are you mad?

- Watch and learn.
- (Laughs mockingly)

Hello. Lovely day.

- Where are you from?
- We are from Estonia.

Estonia?

That's nice. I love Estonia.

You've... been to Estonia?

In a sense.

You have not been to Estonia.

But it certainly has a rich and varied history.

Go on.

Didn't you host
the Eurovision Song Contest in...

in, er, once?

Wait, we struggle under the Soviet yoke
for nearly 50 years

and this is all we are remembered for?

Not our beautiful lakes or forests
or the medieval glories of Tallinn?

Our thriving music scene,

our 222 species of breeding birds?

Or even our lively love-hate relationship
with Finland?

I'm sure it's lovely.

How are you sure? You have never been.

- Ben, help me out here.
- No. I don't know anything about Estonia.

- Dunno where it is and I couldn't care less.
- Ben!

No, we like him. He is honest.

You are a patroniser.

Don't they speak beautiful English?

OK, here's a thought.

What if there's been a nuclear war up there?
How would we know?

Will you please stop going on?

You are upsetting my wife.

We could be the only people left alive.

We'd have to continue the species.

I'm back.

Hello, dear. Enjoy your walk?

- It was all right.
- Did you meet anyone?

Susan, I hardly think Michael's
gonna meet anyone on a train.

- Actually, I did meet someone.
- See.

A girl. She's called Claire. Asked her for a date.

A date? Michael. When are you going?

We've already been. To carriage number three.

There was music, we danced, we kissed.

Then I walked her home. Carriage number five.

Did she invite you in for a coffee?

Mum, it's a train.

We are sorry about the continued delay.
This is due to a failure.

A failure? What does that mean, hm?

A failure of what?

It's definitely a recording.

Rubbish.

OK, I'll prove it.

- Oi, don't do that. There's a L1,000 fine.
- No, no, Dad, that's for "inappropriate use".

This is important.

- Hello?
- Hello.

They're very clever.

Are you a recording?

- No.
- Oh.

It's not a recording. That just cost you a grand.

Oh, great.

- Ben, stay calm.
- I am calm.

- Don't get defensive.
- Well, I'm off.

- Where are you going?
- To find a toilet.

Nick, there isn't one.

Then I'll start one.

Honestly. No initiative, some people.

Sad, isn't it?

All stuck in the same situation.

Sad little people
all locked in their sad little worlds.

Yes.

Don't spoil it for them.

Don't worry, I won't embarrass you.

- Susan!
- (Whistles)

Hello, everyone.

I know this is not normally done,
but this is not a normal situation.

My name is Susan Harper

and I'm trained to handle this kind of crisis.

- You see, they're communicating already.
- (People muttering)

So if you have any queries, problems
or personal matters you wish to discuss,

I'll be sitting over there
next to the man with the scowl.

Why do I always get the carriage
with the nutter in it?

I didn't hear that.

Michael, wanna do something really exciting?

- Yeah.
- Me, too.

I haven't got time for your mental jousting.

- Where are you going?
- Second date with Claire.

- Fast work!
- Yeah.

If we're down here long enough, I might get up
to the third date. You know what that means.

Yeah, they dump you.

- Pakistan.
- Er...

- 20p a minute?
- Very good!

New Zealand. Anyone?

Anyone, anyone, anyone? You!

- 4p a minute?
- Excellent!

Now, Ben, it's your turn. Hong Kong.

- Oh, dear God, has it come to this?
- What is the matter with you?

The matter with me, Susan,
is I'm stuck in a confined space

with a bunch of halfwits whose company I don't
much care for and it's not even Christmas yet.

When something like this happens,
the smart thing to do is to take control.

The smart thing to do, Susan,
is to wallow in it while it lasts

because it's only gonna get worse.

You sound certain for a man
who doesn't know the difference

between the laundry basket and the floor.

Oh, I knew you'd drag that one up. Oh, yeah.
14 years ago and I haven't done it since.

You see? Things do change,
things do get better.

Hello. Me again.

I still haven't heard from the line controller
and the light is still against us.

I'm beginning to think they've forgotten us

or perhaps they just don't care.

(Sighs mournfully)

Well, we should be moving off eventually,
but then again, how long is eventually?

Who knows?

Over to you, Susan.

You're really enjoying this, aren't you?

Well, it's a lot better than Hong Kong,
7p a minute.

That's absolutely right! Ooh, well done, Dad.

It's getting terribly hot in here.

- Would anybody mind if I removed my jacket?
- (Murmurs of assent)

All right, Mikey?

Hey, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey.

- How was your date?
- Dates.

- Really? How many did you have?
- Seven.

Seven dates? That's quick work.

Who said anything about dates?

Susan, say nothing,

but there is a distinct possibility that our son
has just lost his virginity on a tube train.

OK, that's it.

We've got to form an escape committee
and lead everyone to freedom down the tracks.

Have you lost all grip on reality?

No, no, it'll be like The Sound Of Music.

Is that the one where they eat each other?

Do you realise we will all be
in serious danger of electrocution?

Yes, yes. The second and the fourth rails
are the live ones.

Everyone knows that.

The second and fourth rails from which side?

Well, that means
there's a 50-50 chance of survival.

Who's with me? I say it's better
to die like a tiger than live like a sheep!

Baaaaaaaaaaa!

All right, I'll give it a couple of minutes.

But not because I agree with you.

- Anyone got anything to drink?
- He has.

Oh, yeah, yeah, right.

I don't think I need
to steal the lager off a sleeping drunk.

What do you think this is,
The Poseidon Adventure?

No, I want some water.

Anyone? Bottle of water would do.

(Belches loudly)

- All right, Dad?
- Yeah. All right, Nick?

Hey, Nick, chuck your dad
a bottle of water over, will you?

- No.
- What?

You were rude about them earlier.
You mocked my bottles.

- Come on, Nick, just one.
- Nope.

- I'll pay you for it.
- OK.

- It's 20 quid.
- 20 quid? For a bottle of water?

'Ere, I'll give you this for it.

Ooh, Nigella Lawson cookbook.

Merry Christmas, Mum.

- There you go, sir.
- Cheers.

Amateur.

Mmm! Mmm!

Mmmm!

Mmmm!

- Spilt some.
- All right, all right, I'll give you your 20 quid.

Ooh, sorry, Dad.

The price has gone up, scarcity value.

- There's only ten left. It's 40 quid now.
- Nick, please, one sip. I'm your father.

Sorry, Dad.
Christmas is about kindness to strangers.

OK, next customer, please.

You.

Yoo-hoo, you.
Could you grab the other end, please?

Susan, please, you are not helping.

No, Ben, you're not helping.
There, put it over there. That's right.

Well... looks a bit more festive now, doesn't it?

(Soothingly) Yes.

You have to humour them
otherwise they can turn nasty.

- God, I'm thirsty.
- Who's fault is that?

Yours. You made me lick
all those paper chains.

- I don't like the taste.
- I'll remember that excuse.

Er, look... Hello.

Um... be a sport... give us a swing.

No, I'll get backwash.

- In the name of humanity, please!
- All right, very well.

I'll give you some...
when you're a bit more pleasant.

Oh, dear, looks like you're going to die of thirst.

- Ah, Michael.
- Michael, Michael, you got any water?

No.

Mum, Dad, this is my girlfriend Claire.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Has she got any water?
- No.

What the hell did you bring her here for, then?

Well, I've met her parents.
We thought it was time she met mine.

Are your parents local?

Yeah, two carriages down.

What's it like there?

Pretty much like this, really.

You two have so much in common.

Hello?

Hello? Anyone?

The line controller has yet to come back to me,

but don't worried I'm used to being ignored.

Like you care. My bosses ignore me,
my own family ignore me.

They wouldn't care if I was stuck down here
for the whole of Christmas.

Mind you, that might be a blessing,
the sort of Christmases we have.

- Hadn't somebody better do something?
- (# Lively accordion music)

Oh, that'll help!

Oh, no, buskers!

All my Christmases have come at once.

(Lively whooping)

- Abi?
- (Music stops)

Hello, Susan! Oh, and Ben!

And there's me thinking
things couldn't possibly get worse.

We thought you'd gone to spend Christmas
with you father.

Spend Christmas with my father,
form a Romanian folk group? It's heads or tails.

- Who are you kidding? You're not Romanian.
- That's racist!

Hang on a minute, stop right there.

That one, the accordionist, it's Roger Bailey.

Will you please tell me I'm about to wake up
screaming in my own bed?

Yes, it was me.

When I found out that Abi was forming
a Romanian folk band,

I quickly learned the accordion

and auditioned for her... in disguise.

But why?

Because I...

Oh, no reason.

Well, that's a bit of a shocker.

But wait!

(Foreign accent)
I am afraid that I also have been lying to you.

I am not really Romanian.

I am Albanian.

So my whole Romanian folk group thing

has been built on a foundation of lies!

The costume is real.

I feel dirty.

I feel small.

I suppose this spells the end
of my busking career?

Don't worry, Roger...

I won't tell anyone it's you.

Oh, thanks, Abi.

We've still got our music...

and the open road!

One, two, one, two, three, four!

(# Lively folk music and whooping)

I feel I've just blundered into
a student production of The Gondoliers.

That's a good idea. Let's sing carols.

Susan, I don't want to talk to these people,
let alone sing with them.

It's remarks like that
that stand between you and this water.

You know what you can do
with your stinking water!

- We like him. He is rude.
- Yes.

Wanna go for a walk?

- What do you wanna go for a walk for?
- Beats sitting here doing naff-all.

I like it here.

You just want me to be the little woman
sitting here in carriage number seven.

Well, I've had it with that, Michael.

I have needs.

Thank God we never had children.

Don't worry about it, Michael, you'll get over it.

I am over it.

- Because, Michael...
- No, Mum, I've learnt my lesson.

Go for a local girl.

Well, hello...

Mum, Dad, look...

Richard Whiteley!

- Hello.
- Hello.

Hello.

- You said they had some food.
- Had to get you here somehow.

Otherwise they'd never had believed me.
Richard Whiteley!

Um... so, do you have any food?

(Both) No, sorry.

Oh, right, fine.

Richard, Richard. Love the show!

Listen, I may look avuncular on telly,
but actually I'm not.

Wherever I go, people just come up to me
thinking they can have a chat.

It all gets terribly... intrusive.

Also they think they can take liberties with me
just cos I'm their old mate Richard Whiteley.

Do you know, sometimes I think
that my fame is a curse.

And I'll tell you this, if it wasn't for the money
and the girls, I think I'd chuck it in tomorrow.

Oi, Richard, Richard...

Can I have a P, please?

And that's Bob Holness.

- Oh, yeah.
- (Sighs)

(Hums Countdown theme) # Boo! #

Hello, everyone, I'm pleased to say
I've finally got some good news.

I've found a book in the cab.

A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens.

(Clears his throat)

"Marley was dead to begin with.

"There is no doubt whatever about that.

"A register of his burial was signed
by the clergyman...

"...may that be truly said of us

"and all of us.

"And so, as Tiny Tim observed..."

(Falsetto voice) "'God bless us every one. '

"The end."

Uh-uh.

All right, Dad. Looking for one of these?

All right, Nick, you win.
Come on, I'll give you 100 quid, cash.

Sorry, no can do.
I've had interest from carriage number four.

- They're putting a financial package together.
- Oh, you... you...

You should be pleased.

I'm a success!

This is the best Christmas ever!

- Here you are, Mum.
- Oh.

Are the giblets still in?

All right, that's it,

I don't mind saying
I'm at the end of my tether.

The signal's still red,
the line controller hasn't called me back

and I haven't got another book.

(Emotionally) Frankly... I'm just trying
to hold it all togetherl (Sobs)

Right, that's it.

- (Grunts)
- This is not how I intend to die!

Listen here, if you're silly lights are still red,
it's obvious they're stuck.

Take charge of your life and jump them.

- Who are you?
- Susan Harper.

Leader of carriage number seven.

I can't just jump a light, it's too risky.

Look, if nobody took risks,

we wouldn't have electricity,
we would never have walked on the moon!

Lady, I'm a train driver, not an astronaut.

And whose fault is that?

If you took charge of your life,
you could be anything you want, but you don't.

That's why you have the appalling family life
you mentioned earlier.

'Ere, you leave my family out of thisl

The whole problem with this train
is down to your crippled emotional responses.

You can't just cut yourself off...

- (Driver cuts off intercom)
- Hello?

Hello?

Apparently, he can.

Patricia? Patricia?

Oh, I knew this would happen.

All these petty annoyances
have aggravated her hypoglycaemia.

- What do you mean, petty?
- Is anybody here a doctor?

- I'm a tour guide.
- Could you guide us to a doctor, then?

- Er, my father is a medical practitioner.
- No, shut up, Nick, please.

As you gonna sit there
and are you gonna do something?

- Look, actually, I'm a dentist.
- Oh, I see, never mind.

Anybody else?

OK, you'll have to do. Come on.

Stand back, everyone, stand back, stand back.
Give her air. I need lots of water.

Thank you.

Right, let's have a look.

OK.

- Oh, dear me. Oh, no. Oh, dear, dear, dear.
- What is it?

She's not been flossing.

Right, let's have a little look. Yep, ah...

(Screams)

- Get away from me! Ahh! Ahh!
- It's all right.

- Barry, this man assaulted me!
- Shut up! I was just looking for a blockage!

I knew I should've found a real doctor!

Hey, get off his case, Grandad!

Clear, the old dame is screwy, hm?

- And she a hypoglycaemic!
- Calm down, calm down, all right?

Stop pushing. All of you, stop pushing.
Just calm, calm, calm!

Civilised, see? Civilised, very good.

- Fight!
- Nick!

- Fight!
- Stop it, you're gonna do some damage!

Susan, Susan! Help me out here, please!

Sorry, I'm just a tour guide.

- Attention, please. Attention, please.
- Shh, shh, listen, listen.

I am happy to announce,
ladies and gentlemen,

that the signal is now green,
the obstruction has been cleared

and we're ready to move on.

Yes! Hey!

All that remains is for the woman
in carriage number seven

to give me a full and detailed apology
for all the offensive things she said

and we'll be on our way.

Looks like we'll just have to sit it out.

(Silence)

(# Brass band plays Jingle Bells)

Oh... have we stopped?