All language subtitles for My Family - S04E13 - Its A Window Filled Life

(Glass smashing)

What the hell was that?

Erm, if I said it was nothing,
would you believe me?

Michael!

OK, it was for my science project...

on organic foods.

You fired a rocket through a window?

Am I so stupid I'd launch a rocket
through our living room window?

It was a sausage.

Michael, you could have killed someone!

It was an organic sausage.

That's it. You're grounded.

- Grounded?
- You could have blinded someone.

Don't be silly.
It exploded before it hit anything.

Did Nick put you up to this?

Actually, we had been planning to start
a high-speed food delivery service.

You're not gonna believe this!

I was getting off the bus
when it started raining sausage.

I have prayed for this day.

See? Our first satisfied customer.

- Bruno, open your mouth.
- No!

Bruno, open your mouth, please.
It won't hurt.

Yeah, right.

Mr Harper, your next patient's
been waiting for 20 minutes

and the Jessop twins are early.

And they're hitting me
with back issues of Punch.

Well, hit them back.

- Come on.
- Can I help?

- No!
- Want me to hold the suction tube?

- No.
- Feed the fish?

- Leave the room.
- I've no reason. My patient's gone home.

He felt a bit poorly.

Mine will be leaving on a stretcher
if he doesn't open his mouth.

Right, got ya, you little monkey.

Ah-ha-ha! Let go. All right. OK.

You can help, actually.
You can take over for the afternoon.

- You know me. Always willing.
- Bruno needs some teeth pulling out!

One thing, Ben.
How would this work out, moneywise?

Ah, I'd get 100% and you'd get...

- nothing.
- It's a deal!

- Ah-ha-ha-ha.
- What are you going to do with that?

Break into my piggy bank.

How conventional. From you,
I expected a ski mask and a getaway car.

And that's exactly
what Piggy'll be expecting.

Of course,
I don't have to smash up dear Piggy

if you lend me some money
for my new business.

Nick, I'm still recovering
from your old business.

You owe me money.

What?

You shut down the research
and development arm

of my home delivery business.

I've got a garage full of sausages

waiting for liftoff.

You were such a cute little baby.

Hey, I can't survive on my looks forever.

So I've written up a business plan.

"Get rich."

Is that it?

Some people are never satisfied.

Rich, Mum. I'll be rich.

Home!

- Dad...
- No.

Fair enough.

You're home early and you're smiling.
What's wrong?

Susan, do you know the secret
of good leadership?

- I'm not explaining it to you again.
- Mwah!

- Delegation.
- Ah.

- Poor Roger.
- No.

No, I'm excited and he's happy.

(Mimics Roger) In fact,
he'll be as eager as a beaver.

- That is so brilliant.
- Thank you.

Because now I can delegate you
to fix the window.

Why do I have to fix everything
in this house?

Oh, is there something else
you'd rather be doing?

No.

- (Knock)
- Hide.

- Hi.
- Hello, dear.

Even though I think grounding you is
completely justified in the circumstances

I've cooked you a delicious clam flan
to keep your spirits up.

Oh, great. Thanks.
I'll save it for later, let it... breathe.

- What's going on?
- Erm, homework.

I didn't know you were taking GCSEs
in cosmetics.

Eh?

- Hello, Fiona!
- Hello, Mrs Harper.

Goodbye, Mrs Harper.

Don't be a smartarse. You must take
responsibility for your actions.

How can I if you barge in
before we get to any action?

Fiona, you'll have to leave.
Michael's being punished.

- That's so unfair.
- That's why it's called punishment.

From the Latin, "tough bun".

Thank you, Abi.

Could you just tell Susan
I'm popping down to the pub?

Sure.

Susan, Ben's...

Not now. Ten minutes' head start, OK?

(Doorbell)

Oh, Ben!

Something terrible has happened!

Yeah, it's still happening. Let go.

No, you don't understand.
At the surgery. I'm so sorry.

Oh, no. No, Roger, you didn't take
the kid's teeth out? I was joking.

No, no, I just received a call.

You know my patient,
the one who felt a bit unwell?

He's been admitted to hospital
with Ortiz river fever.

I've had to have the surgery disinfected
to stop the spread of the disease.

And I'm not to come into close contact

with other people until I'm sure

I'm not displaying any other symptoms.

And you came here

to tell me this

in person?

It's not the kind of thing
you can say over the phone.

This is exactly the kind of thing
you can say over the phone!

Oh, Susan...

Leave her alone, will you?

You've exposed us all
to whatsit river fever.

Not to mention other people
you've met in the meantime.

No, I thought of that.
I wore my dental mask on the way over.

- River fever?
- Ortiz river fever.

It's highly contagious. It's from Peru.

- Good. Well, take it back there. Go on.
- No, Roger, stay.

Why are you wearing your coat?

Erm...

Fixing the window.
Hole. Draught. Bit of a cold.

- I thought you were going to the pub.
- No.

- Right, no one's leaving the house.
- What?

We need clean towels, TCP
and plenty of hot water.

- Is somebody having a baby?
- No.

Susan's having a cow.

I know. We could scrub everybody clean.

- As a precaution.
- Susan, aren't you overreacting?

- (Sneezes)
- See?

We're all quarantined until I've rung NHS
Direct to find out what this is all about.

It's all about you stopping me
going to the pub.

Oh, that's right. Here's Ben.
And here's the rest of the world.

There are some things in life which
have to do with humanity as a whole

but since you can't go out,

window?

Any other jobs you want me to do, like
paint a big red cross on the front door?

- I'll be going now, Mrs Harper.
- No, stay there!

- Don't come down. We're all infected.
- What? Really.

Yup, in the cause of...

humanity...

you better go upstairs to your bedroom.

Go on, we don't want you catching
Ortiz river fever.

- Ortiz river fever?
- Yes!

Wicked!

Just... trying to contain the disease.

I'm phoning the NHS.

Did you know that the span of your hand
plus the length of your middle finger

is the same as the length of your foot?

Did you know that the distance
between my hands and your neck

is closer than you think?

You know, one day,
you're gonna crush my spirit.

I live in hope.

- Dad...
- Mm-hm?

Could you get me and Fiona
some ice cream?

- I'm not your slave. Get it yourself.
- Oh, I would

but I don't want to go into
the death zone.

I'm busy. Go away.

- Why don't you use a tape measure?
- I can't find the tape measure!

Oh, it's in the kitchen drawer.

While you're at it,
could you get me some ice cream?

Gosh, Dad.
What would I do without you?

Ya, I'd think about that if I were you.

Oh, I do.

Constantly.

- (Doorbell)
- (Susan) Door!

(Lisping) Coming, Master.

Hi, Dad.

Oh, and it gets better and better.

- What's that?
- Hm?

Oh, it's not a "that", Dad. It's a she.
I'd like to introduce you to Pamela.

You could do better, you know.

- Meaning what?
- I was talking to Pamela.

- Back.
- No, Dad, you can't turn us away.

She's pregnant.

- Remember the moral of the Nativity?
- Remember the Crucifixion?

I know you said you'd call back,
but that was over an hour ago.

No, don't put me on hold.
No, no, no!

(Knocking)

All right, Mum?

Mum, meet Pamela. Pamela, Mum.

Good evening.

Pam's going to be the cornerstone
of my new food empire.

- Are you going to serve snake?
- (Scoffs)

You are so short-termist, Mum.

Feed a man a snake
and he is fed for a day

but feed a man snake eggs
and he's yours for life.

Plus, snakes are a real chick magnet,
huh?

That's nice, dear.

Ben... bolt the doors!

Susan...

Yes?

My neck feels really stiff.

That's because you've been watching TV
instead of fixing the window.

No, no, got a fever.
Deaf in one ear. Must be infected.

Deafness is not a symptom
of Ortiz river fever.

It is with me.

- You don't even know the symptoms.
- Susan, please, I'm a dentist.

Oh, that's right. OK, go on.
Name another symptom.

Oh, I can't stand the brightness.

- That's definitely another symptom.
- Yes, of rabies.

- I've got rabies too.
- That explains a lot.

Doesn't explain the itching kidneys.

You're faking symptoms
to avoid fixing the window.

You're making up this quarantine
to make me.

- I didn't make it up.
- And so I'm ill.

Give it up, Ben. I'm a chess player
and I'm three moves ahead of you.

I'm playing Scrabble.

Do you really think you're going to win
this argument?

- Yup.
- Then you really must be feverish.

That's what I said.
I could be dead within the hour.

Then you better fix the window now.

All right!

All right, but you'll be sorry!

All of you!

(Breathing heavily)

- (Hiccup)
- Oh, no!

- My worst fears have been confirmed.
- Sorry?

I'm the one who should be sorry.

I've infected you.

Really?

I didn't even feel it.

That's just like you.
Courage in adversity.

Neither. Art school.

Oh Rose, thou art sick!

The invisible worm
that flies in the night

in the howling storm

Has found out thy bed

Of crimson joy

And his dark secret love

does thy life destroy.

I didn't know worms could fly!

No, Abi.

The worm is a metaphor

for the tiny living thing

that's growing inside us both.

Beautiful, yet tragic.

Oh, I get it.

You've got worms.

(Smashing)

Right, that is it!

The only way to really combat
bacterial contagion is through fire.

High temperatures destroy the germs.

Michael, you're so clever.

I know.

We should burn our clothes
to eliminate the spread of disease.

In the name of science?

In the name of anything!

- (Knock)
- (Susan) I'm still here, so stop it.

Listen,
you penny-pushing phone jockey.

I'm not taking a tone with you!

I've been stuck inside all day
with a hypochondriac, a lovesick puppy

and two horny teenagers.

Could you just tell me
how long we have to...

I know you have other calls,
but this is an emergency.

I don't care if it's your tea break. I...

Oh, my God!

Out, out, out!

Aaah!

Ohhh!

It's the flying worm!

(Ben) I could be dead in an hour.
(Susan) Then fix the window now.

(Abi) One day,
you're going to crush my spirit.

- (Michael) What would I do without you?
- Think about that.

(Michael) Oh, I do, constantly.

(Nick) Hello, Dad.

- Don't jump!
- What?

- Nothing's that bad.
- Get off me!

- Aaaargh!
- (Splashing)

(Ben) Oh! Oh!

Oh, dear.

It's a good job I came along when I did.

Really? Didn't I look miserable enough?

It's OK. You don't have to thank me.

No, I was thinking
more along the lines of suing you.

Your name really is Ben Harper.

Yes, I've told you it was.

Ah, but you can never be too sure,
not with attempted suicides.

How many times do I have to tell you,
I didn't try and kill myself?

Though I might as well be dead
for all the sympathy I get.

Oh, come now, Mr Harper. Once you've
warmed up, you'll be as good as new.

I wasn't even good new.

I was never... good.

I was always the same failure
as you see here.

- Only drier.
- You're not a failure.

How do you know?
You've only just met me.

All I wanted was to be a normal... bloke.

Hm!

Yup, the only sport I can play
is badminton.

I had a midlife crisis
and bought a Volvo.

I couldn't install a pane of glass without
it falling out. I'm a failure, all right.

A cold, wet, miserable, unloved failure,

with a fever

and an earache.

You're really unloved?

No family?

Well, of course I've got a family.
How else would I know I'm unloved?

They're oblivious to my misery.

Oh, come now,
they're not oblivious to your misery.

Maybe they just don't like you.

Well, I wouldn't blame them actually.

I make their lives miserable
with my complaining

and the black cloud
I carry around with me like a...

- black cloud.
- Is this your family?

Probably the photo that
came with the wallet.

Lovely woman.
Two young lads. And a girl.

When did Susan put that in there?

Why can't she just leave things be?

They look...

crazy.

Yep.

All my fault.

Yep, they'd have been better off
if I'd never been born.

Don't ever say that!

Why not? It's true.

Really? Had you ever thought what
their lives would be like without you?

I prefer to think what mine
would be like without them.

Well, maybe you should think about it.

Really think about it.

Well, at least the window has been fixed.

Nice job, actually.

It's Michael. Mikey!
Mikey, Mikey, Mikey!

- You belt up.
- What? You mean they can hear us?

No, but I can.

Has your father come home yet?
No.

Then we'll eat without him.
I've made my delicious turnip teriyaki.

Go and call your brother.

Nick! Brace yourself!

She's made turnip teriyaki
for someone else?

Well, at least there's an upside.

- (Door closing)
- (Man) I'm home!

- I need a drink.
- Fine, thanks. And how was your day?

I tell you, Susan, I should never
have become a chiropodist.

Touching all those smelly feet.

Oh...

Did you wash your hands?

I mean it, Susan.
Things couldn't be worse.

Oh, Len, look on the bright side.

- At least you're not a dentist.
- No.

My God!

Couldn't she have done better than that?

My God, I look rough tonight.

By the way,
the Prescotts have invited us for dinner.

- I hate the Prescotts.
- The Prescotts hate you. It'll be fun.

- Michael, Michael, Michael!
- The name's Mikey.

Good evening, Mater.

Pater.

- You look lovely, dear.
- Yes, Mother.

I'm all set for my new job.

As a croupier!

Come on, Dad. Can you lend me a fiver?

- I can, I won't.
- Aw, come on. I'll pay you back.

With this new job, I will be raking it in.

Trust me.

No-o. Last time you said, "trust me",
I couldn't sit down for three days.

- Why can't you support him?
- I have, his whole life.

- You're so tight.
- And smelly.

- Come on, I'll pay you back.
- No, you won't.

Go on, Len, give him the money.
He's your only son.

(Michael) Hey, what about me?

(Susan) Oops.

Are you all right?

I don't know.

I just had an epiphany.

What? In my shed?

I've just seen what my family's life...

would be like had I never been born.

They'd be no different.

No difference at all.

I've had no effect on anything.

Wow. That's depressing.

No, it's not.

It's wonderful.

Don't you see?

They're the crazy ones.

I'm off the hook. What's your...

I don't believe I don't know this.
What's your name?

Clarence.

No? That's weird.

I never liked it either.

I always see myself as more of a... Todd.

No, hang on a minute.

My ear's better.

It's like that film, you know.

- The film...
- Reservoir Dogs.

The one Susan makes me watch
at Christmas, with James Stewart.

- Vertigo!
- No, the other one.

- The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.
- It doesn't matter.

- The Glenn Miller Story!
- It doesn't matter!

I've got to go home. Yeah.

I'm going home.

How can I ever thank you, Clarence?

Well, there's an Oddbins
just round the corner.

- Hey, that's my blanket!
- (Bell)

And every time a bell rings

an angel gets his wings.

- (Bicycle bell)
- Stupid man! Watch where you're going!

Is it time?

Are your eggs coming?

OK. Remember our breathing exercises.

It's OK. Calm down, Pamela.
Daddy's here. Daddy's here.

I can't find the hole!

There's no such thing
as Ortiz river fever? There must be.

It's an infectious disease
from the jungles of Peru that...

Why are you laughing?

I see.

I said I see!

- Roger?
- Hm?

Did the hospital say
it was Ortiz river fever?

Er, not exactly. My patient did.
But he was calling from the hospital.

Oh? Which hospital?

He didn't really say.

Because he wasn't in hospital.

He made up Ortiz river fever
to skip his appointment.

- There is no such disease!
- No!

But there must be.

There was... Peruvian music
playing in the background.

The Lando. It was very catchy.

Quarantine's over. Goodbye, Roger.

I was just about to get my brown cheese.

Too bad. We're all free to go.

- I don't understand. Susan, you can't.
- I just did.

I was just about to...

tell her something,
something important.

- Oh, for God's sake.
- What?

- Go on.
- Just blurt it out?

Yes, blurt.

All right. I will.

Abi...

It was actually beekeeping that tempted
Sherlock Holmes into retirement.

Really?

Roger, go home.

Glad I got that off my chest.

Ha!

Very good, Michael.

That's an impressive act

but it doesn't fool me. (Chuckling)

- We're working.
- Working your mojo?

- What?
- No, we really are doing our homework.

Fiona, dear, you're a sweet girl,
but I am a wise old fox.

You may not know me well, but I am
no sucker. Nobody takes me for a fool.

Oh...

so you finally worked out
there is no Ortiz river, or fever?

Ah.

But there is a Peru.

Yeah, whatever. Anyway...

it's all under control.
You're all free to go. Especially Fiona.

Susan!

- Susan!
- Yes?

I'm back.

- I didn't know you'd gone.
- I know. Isn't it wonderful? Mwah!

- You're wet.
- Yeah, I know.

Phew! It's an incredible story.

Really? Is it the tale of the poor
little window that never got mended?

Tonight...

I had a vision.

Ah. It's the tale of the sneaky husband
who crept out and got drunk.

You're not getting this, are you?

(Doorbell)

Mum...

Dad... you're grandparents again.

Pamela finally gave birth.

It's a boy.

And a girl.

And a boy. Boy.

Girl, girl, boy, girl.

Wanna see?

Ooh.
I think one just went down my pants.

Sorry, quarantine.

Quarantine, huh? OK.

How about a little bit of isolation?
I'll fix the window after.

May I recommend
some physical therapy?

OK, but I might
have to give you an injection.

- OK, but nil by mouth.
- Great.

Sorry, you must be looking for
the geriatric ward.

- Coffee?
- (Ping)

Did you hear that? A bell.

Do you know what that means?

(Abi) Porridge is ready!

- Go back to bed. I'll bring your coffee.
- No, it'll be my pleasure.

You have been in a good mood
these past few days.

Something's changed.
And I don't know what it is.

We're in.