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1
00:00:18,620 --> 00:00:21,134
All right, Dad?
2
00:00:21,220 --> 00:00:25,850
- Look.
- Nick, that's so...
3
00:00:25,940 --> 00:00:27,896
Ohh... You shouldn't have.
4
00:00:28,780 --> 00:00:30,736
That's really...
5
00:00:31,820 --> 00:00:34,539
- It's well-wrapped, innit?
- Yes.
6
00:00:34,620 --> 00:00:36,611
Yes, it's well-wrapped, yes.
7
00:00:36,700 --> 00:00:39,055
You didn't have to buy me
a good luck present.
8
00:00:39,140 --> 00:00:41,096
I didn't.
9
00:00:42,220 --> 00:00:44,973
It's the salt, Nick. It's the salt.
10
00:00:45,060 --> 00:00:47,733
What's this, English For The Stupid?
11
00:00:47,820 --> 00:00:50,573
Nick's wrapped the salt cellar.
12
00:00:50,660 --> 00:00:52,935
I'm trying to be a wrapping artist.
13
00:00:54,340 --> 00:00:56,296
Like the great Christo.
14
00:00:56,380 --> 00:01:00,453
He wraps up huge monuments for art,
to elicit emotional response.
15
00:01:00,540 --> 00:01:03,976
- Like irritation?
- Good, good. Go with that, go with that.
16
00:01:04,060 --> 00:01:07,132
How about wrapping up the rubbish?
Then put it in the dustbin.
17
00:01:07,220 --> 00:01:09,814
That's a switch
from artistic to merely functional.
18
00:01:09,900 --> 00:01:13,529
- You'd never want to be functional.
- Exactly! You're on my wavelength.
19
00:01:13,620 --> 00:01:15,895
That explains the static.
20
00:01:15,980 --> 00:01:18,130
Got to go!
21
00:01:18,220 --> 00:01:20,859
Still wearing that, are you, Ben?
22
00:01:20,940 --> 00:01:23,374
Apparently I am.
23
00:01:23,460 --> 00:01:26,532
No, it's just that if this were
my first day of jury duty,
24
00:01:26,620 --> 00:01:28,770
I would have dressed up
for the occasion.
25
00:01:28,860 --> 00:01:32,614
You'd be wearing a long gown,
a curly wig and a black cap.
26
00:01:32,700 --> 00:01:34,816
You know, I'd love to be on jury duty.
27
00:01:34,900 --> 00:01:38,973
Put something back into society,
show how much I care.
28
00:01:39,060 --> 00:01:41,290
You might get a nice juicy murder.
29
00:01:41,380 --> 00:01:43,336
Oh, very caring.
30
00:01:43,940 --> 00:01:48,536
No, it'll be so exciting.
Exhibit A, exhibit B, "Silence in court!"
31
00:01:48,620 --> 00:01:51,692
"Let's re-examine the evidence
before us, m'lud."
32
00:01:53,300 --> 00:01:55,256
Exhibit C...
33
00:01:56,020 --> 00:02:00,616
Susan, you do realise I'll be forbidden
from discussing the case with you? OK?
34
00:02:00,700 --> 00:02:02,656
Or, for that matter...
35
00:02:03,180 --> 00:02:05,136
anything else...
36
00:02:05,780 --> 00:02:07,736
ever again.
37
00:02:08,420 --> 00:02:10,536
Of course, we can still have sex.
38
00:02:12,180 --> 00:02:14,136
Don't kid yourself.
39
00:02:16,100 --> 00:02:18,056
(Hums tunelessly)
40
00:02:21,860 --> 00:02:23,816
Oh, why does he have to be so...
41
00:02:26,660 --> 00:02:28,776
in bed?
42
00:02:28,860 --> 00:02:31,055
Mum, I, er...
43
00:02:31,140 --> 00:02:33,700
We, um...
44
00:02:33,780 --> 00:02:36,248
Did I mention I had the afternoon off?
45
00:02:36,340 --> 00:02:39,730
Oh, no, that's perfectly fine.
I'm cool with this.
46
00:02:40,380 --> 00:02:42,655
I'm OK, you're OK, I mean...
47
00:02:42,740 --> 00:02:45,538
♪ You're 16, going on 17... ♪
48
00:02:45,620 --> 00:02:47,019
I'm cool, I'm cool.
49
00:02:53,220 --> 00:02:56,496
If cows sleep standing up
and sit down when it rains,
50
00:02:56,580 --> 00:02:59,458
what do they do if it rains
while they're sleeping?
51
00:03:01,780 --> 00:03:04,931
I know, it's a real brain-teaser.
52
00:03:05,500 --> 00:03:09,778
Did... did you know
Michael had... the afternoon off?
53
00:03:09,860 --> 00:03:12,533
- Are you OK?
- Yes, I'm absolutely fine.
54
00:03:16,660 --> 00:03:21,654
- Shouldn't I run you to the doctor's?
- No, Abi. Abi, it's nothing. Really.
55
00:03:22,260 --> 00:03:25,138
Technically,
it's known as, ahem, blindness.
56
00:03:25,220 --> 00:03:27,973
Oh. What kind of blindness?
57
00:03:28,060 --> 00:03:29,971
(Coughs) Blindness.
58
00:03:30,060 --> 00:03:32,016
- Coughing blindness?
- Oh, for...
59
00:03:32,940 --> 00:03:36,694
Psychologists call it hysterical
blindness, but they're wrong.
60
00:03:36,780 --> 00:03:39,772
I see it more as stress-related myopia.
61
00:03:39,860 --> 00:03:42,215
What was the stress?
62
00:03:42,300 --> 00:03:44,495
I went into Michael's room and...
63
00:03:45,660 --> 00:03:47,616
It was a total mess.
64
00:03:48,740 --> 00:03:52,289
Well, at least you didn't see
the girl he had up there!
65
00:03:54,380 --> 00:03:59,170
I don't want to talk about it. Anyway,
it's just temporary, a little stress thing.
66
00:03:59,260 --> 00:04:01,091
It's happened to me once before.
67
00:04:01,180 --> 00:04:02,932
- Really?
- Yes.
68
00:04:03,020 --> 00:04:06,137
- During my first driving test.
- Did you pass?
69
00:04:06,220 --> 00:04:09,292
Yes, and I took it ten more times
because I liked passing.
70
00:04:09,380 --> 00:04:11,814
Of course I failed!
I was temporarily blind.
71
00:04:11,900 --> 00:04:13,856
OK.
72
00:04:14,620 --> 00:04:16,975
How many fingers am I holding up?
73
00:04:17,060 --> 00:04:19,369
- Abi, I can't see.
- I'll give you a clue.
74
00:04:19,460 --> 00:04:21,496
It's between one and three.
75
00:04:21,580 --> 00:04:24,219
- Oh, for God's sake...
- Don't feel so bad.
76
00:04:24,300 --> 00:04:26,256
It was two.
77
00:04:26,340 --> 00:04:28,979
- Maybe I should ring Ben to tell him.
- No, no, Abi.
78
00:04:29,060 --> 00:04:33,576
No, you mustn't. If he hears my response
to seeing Michael in bed with a girl
79
00:04:33,660 --> 00:04:37,369
was to get hysterical blindness,
then he'll think I responded...
80
00:04:37,460 --> 00:04:39,337
hysterically.
81
00:04:39,420 --> 00:04:41,888
- Oh. Didn't you, then?
- Of course not.
82
00:04:41,980 --> 00:04:44,938
This isn't me,
it's just my body letting me down.
83
00:04:45,020 --> 00:04:49,571
I don't want him thinking I'm uptight
just because my eyes are prudish.
84
00:04:49,660 --> 00:04:53,733
Your eyes aren't prudish.
They're more periwinkle blue.
85
00:04:54,660 --> 00:04:59,211
Look, look, just let me sit here quietly
until my sight comes back
86
00:05:05,260 --> 00:05:07,216
Oh, crap!
87
00:05:12,380 --> 00:05:17,818
Yes, it's my kind of trial. Clear-cut, short
and sweet, over in time to get to the pub.
88
00:05:17,900 --> 00:05:20,460
British justice, wonderful thing.
89
00:05:20,540 --> 00:05:23,612
I shall be just outside the door,
if you want anything.
90
00:05:23,700 --> 00:05:25,850
Cappuccino, easy on the froth.
91
00:05:27,860 --> 00:05:29,816
Oh, sorry, go ahead.
92
00:05:29,900 --> 00:05:31,811
Don't patronise me.
93
00:05:33,020 --> 00:05:34,976
OK, I won't.
94
00:05:36,180 --> 00:05:40,253
- I want to sit there.
- I want you to sit here, so much,
95
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:43,696
but even more,
I don't want to patronise you.
96
00:05:43,780 --> 00:05:46,135
- Can we get on, please?
- Yes, can we get on?
97
00:05:46,220 --> 00:05:48,370
I doubt it, you're not my type.
98
00:05:52,420 --> 00:05:55,093
- OK.
- Thank you so much.
99
00:05:56,900 --> 00:06:00,131
Right, let's get this show on the road
and out of here.
100
00:06:00,220 --> 00:06:02,131
The correct procedure...
101
00:06:02,220 --> 00:06:04,780
Edwin Taylor vandalised
his ex-boss's office
102
00:06:04,860 --> 00:06:07,693
by placing a decomposing haddock
in the heating duct.
103
00:06:07,780 --> 00:06:09,930
Guilty as hell. Show of hands.
104
00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:14,334
The correct procedure is to elect
a foreman from amongst us,
105
00:06:14,420 --> 00:06:18,891
which we will proceed to do after we
have proceeded to introduce ourselves.
106
00:06:18,980 --> 00:06:21,414
Why bother?
We're never going to meet again.
107
00:06:21,500 --> 00:06:25,812
So, let's go around the table,
starting with me.
108
00:06:25,900 --> 00:06:30,371
- My name's Joanna Elton-Johns.
- Elton-Johns!
109
00:06:32,220 --> 00:06:34,176
- It's my name.
- Elton John!
110
00:06:34,980 --> 00:06:37,540
Yes, uh... It's your name.
111
00:06:37,620 --> 00:06:39,895
- And what's yours?
- My name's Ben.
112
00:06:39,980 --> 00:06:41,936
Ben Judy-Garlands.
113
00:06:49,220 --> 00:06:52,212
Step, step, step, step.
114
00:06:52,300 --> 00:06:55,019
For God's sakes, Nick,
stop moving the furniture.
115
00:06:55,100 --> 00:06:57,978
- It's not furniture, it's art.
- It's cack!
116
00:06:59,380 --> 00:07:02,770
The problem with you, Mum,
is you've got no vision.
117
00:07:05,340 --> 00:07:06,489
Sorry.
118
00:07:06,580 --> 00:07:09,811
Stop getting in the way.
I'm memorising the layout of the house,
119
00:07:09,900 --> 00:07:12,892
so when your father gets home
he won't notice and mock me.
120
00:07:12,980 --> 00:07:16,211
Hey, don't worry, just give him
a beer and make sure the TV's on,
121
00:07:16,300 --> 00:07:18,256
he won't notice a thing.
122
00:07:18,340 --> 00:07:20,695
How do you think I got his watch?
123
00:07:21,860 --> 00:07:23,816
Bye, Mrs Harper, I'm going now.
124
00:07:23,900 --> 00:07:27,051
Goodbye, dear.
I'm sorry you have to go so soon.
125
00:07:27,140 --> 00:07:29,779
I wish we'd met
under different circumstances.
126
00:07:29,860 --> 00:07:32,613
Of course,
I don't mind those circumstances.
127
00:07:32,700 --> 00:07:35,578
Why don't you stay
and have a cup of tea before you go?
128
00:07:35,660 --> 00:07:38,299
- Trying to make me feel guilty?
- Of course not.
129
00:07:38,380 --> 00:07:41,531
Then why are you pretending
you've gone insane?
130
00:07:41,620 --> 00:07:43,815
She's not pretending.
131
00:07:43,900 --> 00:07:47,176
I am simply being nice
to your little friend.
132
00:07:47,260 --> 00:07:49,728
- She's gone.
- I knew that.
133
00:07:50,740 --> 00:07:54,528
Your mother's gone blind
because she's seen the unseeable.
134
00:07:54,620 --> 00:07:56,576
Your messy room!
135
00:07:59,540 --> 00:08:02,179
She didn't see
the girl you had up there, though.
136
00:08:02,260 --> 00:08:04,728
Yes, I did, but, you know,
I'm cool with that.
137
00:08:04,820 --> 00:08:08,859
Oh, right, so cool when you've gone
blind? You're so selfish!
138
00:08:09,740 --> 00:08:13,574
Mick, do not feel bad that
you've made Mum go blind, all right?
139
00:08:13,660 --> 00:08:15,457
The important thing is...
140
00:08:15,540 --> 00:08:17,292
you scored!
141
00:08:17,380 --> 00:08:19,336
Fantastic! Well done!
142
00:08:23,940 --> 00:08:26,773
And this is the eldest son.
143
00:08:26,860 --> 00:08:28,816
He's got a lovely head of hair.
144
00:08:28,900 --> 00:08:31,812
Just like my Kenny's,
before the burglary.
145
00:08:32,620 --> 00:08:35,054
Can we move this along, please?
146
00:08:35,140 --> 00:08:38,018
No, no, let's hear what she has to say.
147
00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:42,088
That was it.
148
00:08:42,180 --> 00:08:45,570
Very good. Juror number 11, please.
149
00:08:47,300 --> 00:08:51,532
My name is Martin Douglas,
and I'm a psychology student.
150
00:08:51,620 --> 00:08:53,019
(Ben) Well done, mate!
151
00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:55,534
Quick work. Things are looking up.
152
00:08:55,620 --> 00:08:57,258
Juror number 12, please.
153
00:08:58,580 --> 00:09:00,536
Juror number 12!
154
00:09:04,860 --> 00:09:07,374
My name is Brian, and I'm an alcoholic.
155
00:09:10,860 --> 00:09:13,613
So... A meeting...
156
00:09:17,300 --> 00:09:19,291
So, now the introductions are over...
157
00:09:19,380 --> 00:09:21,177
As well as the whole day.
158
00:09:21,260 --> 00:09:23,569
...we can proceed
to vote for our foreman.
159
00:09:23,660 --> 00:09:29,451
Really? Shall we take a vote now, or
shall we vote on when we should vote?
160
00:09:29,540 --> 00:09:31,974
There again, I vote we go to the pub.
161
00:09:32,060 --> 00:09:34,176
Coming, anyone? Not you, Brian.
162
00:09:36,580 --> 00:09:38,935
I've hung rosemary on the coat stand.
163
00:09:39,020 --> 00:09:41,739
The smell of jasmine means
you're at the steps.
164
00:09:41,820 --> 00:09:43,572
Great!
165
00:09:43,660 --> 00:09:45,412
Two, three...
166
00:09:45,500 --> 00:09:47,855
Lavender candles on the sideboard.
167
00:09:47,940 --> 00:09:50,249
Right. Sideboard, lavender.
168
00:09:51,220 --> 00:09:53,097
The kitchen...
169
00:09:53,180 --> 00:09:55,489
takes care of itself.
170
00:09:55,580 --> 00:09:59,289
I've run out of candles,
so I put potpourri in the fireplace.
171
00:09:59,380 --> 00:10:01,132
Mm-hm.
172
00:10:01,220 --> 00:10:04,849
And tucked into the sofa,
a pair of Nick's socks.
173
00:10:06,060 --> 00:10:07,732
Oh, perfect!
174
00:10:07,820 --> 00:10:10,653
You're wonderful.
You never let anything get you down.
175
00:10:10,740 --> 00:10:11,650
Thank you, dear.
176
00:10:11,740 --> 00:10:14,698
I can't wait to see
what you do when you're dead.
177
00:10:14,780 --> 00:10:17,374
Oh, what a day!
178
00:10:17,900 --> 00:10:20,698
Off you go, Abi. It's show time.
179
00:10:23,380 --> 00:10:25,336
Hello, Ben.
180
00:10:26,220 --> 00:10:28,211
- Have you got a cold?
- No. Why?
181
00:10:28,300 --> 00:10:30,450
Shame. I thought you might give it to me
182
00:10:30,540 --> 00:10:32,929
and I wouldn't have to make
that jury tomorrow.
183
00:10:33,660 --> 00:10:35,616
Ow!
184
00:10:36,180 --> 00:10:38,375
- How was the case?
- I've told you,
185
00:10:38,460 --> 00:10:40,655
the judge told us
not to discuss the case.
186
00:10:40,740 --> 00:10:42,537
No one will ever know.
187
00:10:42,620 --> 00:10:47,136
Oh, yes, like no one would ever know
about my foot fungus. Yes!
188
00:10:47,220 --> 00:10:50,849
- You can't keep a secret, Susan.
- You'd be surprised.
189
00:10:50,940 --> 00:10:53,613
Anyway, there's not much to tell, really.
190
00:10:53,700 --> 00:10:56,294
Deliberations haven't even started yet.
191
00:10:56,380 --> 00:11:01,454
There's this harridan of a juror,
called Joanna Elton-Johns! Ha-ha!
192
00:11:01,540 --> 00:11:04,418
Would you like some cheese straws?
193
00:11:04,500 --> 00:11:07,651
Ow! Ah-ha-ha! Elton-Johns!
194
00:11:07,740 --> 00:11:09,696
Ah-ha-ha!
195
00:11:11,060 --> 00:11:14,894
That's what I thought. God, dear...
She turns everything into a battle.
196
00:11:14,980 --> 00:11:18,131
God! "Don't sit there.
Don't patronise me."
197
00:11:18,220 --> 00:11:20,176
God help us.
198
00:11:24,580 --> 00:11:29,335
I think she must have been a pack leader
with the bloody Hitler Brownies.
199
00:11:30,660 --> 00:11:33,254
Anyway, we've not even elected
a foreman yet.
200
00:11:33,340 --> 00:11:38,892
Hardly surprising, we have to vote every
time someone wants to go to the toilet.
201
00:11:42,060 --> 00:11:44,255
Are you drunk?
202
00:11:44,340 --> 00:11:47,218
I'm blind, you idiot!
203
00:11:47,300 --> 00:11:50,417
- What, like when the?
- Yes, yes, like the driving test.
204
00:11:50,500 --> 00:11:52,456
Ohh...
205
00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:55,855
Did you drop all the cheese straws?
206
00:11:59,020 --> 00:12:00,976
Bloody Nick!
207
00:12:04,860 --> 00:12:08,773
(Susan) Stop carping. He's just found
something he likes doing.
208
00:12:08,860 --> 00:12:10,816
Susan...
209
00:12:13,820 --> 00:12:16,015
What are we meant to do?
210
00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:18,056
Use the other loo, like I did.
211
00:12:18,140 --> 00:12:20,096
The second time.
212
00:12:21,460 --> 00:12:23,212
This can't go on.
213
00:12:23,300 --> 00:12:27,293
I've got a wife who's hysterically blind,
a son who's hysterically stupid...
214
00:12:27,380 --> 00:12:32,249
I'm not hysterically blind. I might have
been, but now my sight has come back.
215
00:12:32,340 --> 00:12:34,410
Oh, really? So, what time is it?
216
00:12:34,500 --> 00:12:36,616
10:30.
217
00:12:37,700 --> 00:12:39,577
Guess again.
218
00:12:39,660 --> 00:12:42,458
- Ish.
- Susan, what set this problem off today?
219
00:12:42,540 --> 00:12:45,213
- Come on.
- Nothing, nothing, nothing.
220
00:12:46,140 --> 00:12:48,131
I caught Michael in bed with a girl.
221
00:12:48,220 --> 00:12:50,176
That's fan... Really?
222
00:12:51,780 --> 00:12:55,250
- Yes, yes, really.
- Yes! Yes!
223
00:12:55,340 --> 00:12:58,537
- He's 16!
- It's fun, it's legal.
224
00:12:58,620 --> 00:13:03,091
Legal! One day in a jury room and you
talk like Rumpole of the bloody Bailey.
225
00:13:03,180 --> 00:13:06,331
Susan, I had plenty of experience
when I was 16.
226
00:13:06,420 --> 00:13:08,695
With someone other than yourself?
227
00:13:09,820 --> 00:13:11,776
Stop it, Ben.
228
00:13:11,860 --> 00:13:14,533
- What?
- I felt the air move.
229
00:13:15,300 --> 00:13:18,815
Susan, how long is this neurotic fear
response going to last, hm?
230
00:13:18,900 --> 00:13:20,777
The driving test incident took days
231
00:13:20,860 --> 00:13:23,328
because you were scared
and wouldn't admit it.
232
00:13:23,420 --> 00:13:26,617
I wasn't scared.
The examiner was the one screaming.
233
00:13:27,580 --> 00:13:30,652
Hey... Hey, do you remember how we...
234
00:13:31,620 --> 00:13:33,576
how we cured it last time?
235
00:13:33,660 --> 00:13:35,491
No.
236
00:13:35,580 --> 00:13:37,775
What, you felt my brainwaves move?
237
00:13:37,860 --> 00:13:39,896
No, the bedclothes.
238
00:13:39,980 --> 00:13:41,936
I'm not in the mood, Ben.
239
00:13:42,020 --> 00:13:44,409
Ben? Who's Ben?
(Mimics) I'm George Clooney.
240
00:13:44,500 --> 00:13:46,456
- Oh, well, in that case...
- Left!
241
00:13:46,540 --> 00:13:48,496
Left, left...
242
00:13:50,060 --> 00:13:55,088
The most important part of the jury
process is keeping an open mind.
243
00:13:55,180 --> 00:13:57,136
Sorry. Sorry, I am a bit late.
244
00:13:57,220 --> 00:14:02,658
- Ten minutes. What kept you?
- If you have to know, which you don't,
245
00:14:02,740 --> 00:14:07,768
I was taking my wife,
my blind wife, to work.
246
00:14:07,860 --> 00:14:09,418
Yeah.
247
00:14:09,500 --> 00:14:11,456
She's a tour guide.
248
00:14:11,540 --> 00:14:13,735
Luckily, today is a mystery tour.
249
00:14:15,220 --> 00:14:19,896
- Sorry, that is an unconvincing excuse.
- Sorry, it's the best you're going to get.
250
00:14:19,980 --> 00:14:21,891
I'm not on trial. I'm on the jury.
251
00:14:21,980 --> 00:14:24,699
- Sit down and be quiet.
- Would you stop doing that?
252
00:14:24,780 --> 00:14:29,331
Stop bossing me. It's not as if you've
been elected as foreman of the jury, is it?
253
00:14:29,420 --> 00:14:32,298
We haven't even elected the foreman of...
254
00:14:33,660 --> 00:14:35,616
How could you?
255
00:14:35,700 --> 00:14:37,691
She was the best candidate.
256
00:14:37,780 --> 00:14:39,577
- How do you know?
- She told us.
257
00:14:39,660 --> 00:14:42,015
- I'm the obvious choice.
- Really?
258
00:14:42,100 --> 00:14:45,490
- It's not obvious to me.
- I've already served on seven juries.
259
00:14:45,580 --> 00:14:47,616
I'm a governor on two school boards,
260
00:14:47,700 --> 00:14:51,215
and a volunteer with the Citizen's
Advice Bureau, the Samaritans,
261
00:14:51,300 --> 00:14:53,211
and the West London Syringe Exchange.
262
00:14:53,300 --> 00:14:56,292
I'm a passionate believer
in freedom of expression
263
00:14:56,380 --> 00:14:58,211
and a fierce advocate of democracy.
264
00:14:58,300 --> 00:15:00,416
I'll ensure we reach the correct verdict.
265
00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:02,650
- Outrageous!
- Will you let us proceed?
266
00:15:02,740 --> 00:15:05,857
No, I will not!
I'm an experienced medical professional,
267
00:15:05,940 --> 00:15:08,408
former Boy Scout
and member of the Tufty Club.
268
00:15:08,500 --> 00:15:11,651
I have a wide knowledge
of John Grisham novels
269
00:15:11,740 --> 00:15:14,254
and repeat viewings
of LA Law and Kavanagh QC.
270
00:15:14,340 --> 00:15:18,049
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
I think you will agree I should...
271
00:15:18,140 --> 00:15:20,096
- Sit down.
- Thank you.
272
00:15:20,180 --> 00:15:23,092
Now, has everyone reached a verdict?
273
00:15:23,180 --> 00:15:25,011
Yes. Guilty as hell.
274
00:15:25,100 --> 00:15:27,375
What? Edwin Taylor's a freedom fighter.
275
00:15:27,460 --> 00:15:31,373
Edwin Taylor is a smelly git
who was sacked for refusing to wash.
276
00:15:31,460 --> 00:15:36,136
He's a hero of our time. He didn't want to
pollute the water table with detergents.
277
00:15:36,220 --> 00:15:38,256
Here is a man with strong beliefs.
278
00:15:38,340 --> 00:15:43,175
And BO to match! He smells
like a wet collie smothered in cowpats.
279
00:15:43,260 --> 00:15:46,696
Did you see his barrister? He stuffed
the ends of his wig up his nose.
280
00:15:46,780 --> 00:15:51,979
Edwin Taylor should not have been
in the dock. It was justifiable sabotage.
281
00:15:52,060 --> 00:15:54,654
He put a rotting haddock
in the heating system.
282
00:15:54,740 --> 00:15:59,097
- Because he was wrongfully dismissed.
- Because he refused to wash.
283
00:15:59,180 --> 00:16:03,014
- He was protecting the environment!
- Don't his workmates have rights?
284
00:16:03,100 --> 00:16:07,013
Don't they have rights to be protected
from sitting next to Mr Stinky-Poo Pong
285
00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:09,330
from Smellbag City?
286
00:16:09,420 --> 00:16:12,253
So, you don't believe
in freedom of expression?
287
00:16:12,340 --> 00:16:17,016
Yes, I do! I also believe
in your right to remain silent, so use it!
288
00:16:21,900 --> 00:16:26,098
It brings to mind
the nullity of human existence.
289
00:16:27,180 --> 00:16:29,136
It moves me.
290
00:16:30,020 --> 00:16:31,976
I think it's your best work yet.
291
00:16:32,060 --> 00:16:34,016
Actually, it's my lunch.
292
00:16:34,700 --> 00:16:36,656
Plagiarist!
293
00:16:38,620 --> 00:16:40,576
Good morning.
294
00:16:41,860 --> 00:16:44,055
Oh, my God...
295
00:16:44,140 --> 00:16:46,210
- What?
- Nothing.
296
00:16:46,300 --> 00:16:48,973
It's just I'm late.
The act's not working, Mum.
297
00:16:49,060 --> 00:16:51,733
The only one you're hurting is yourself.
298
00:16:54,380 --> 00:16:56,336
Now, where's my handbag?
299
00:16:57,900 --> 00:17:02,371
I've got a tour to do with a group of
Mounties. You can't let a Mountie down.
300
00:17:02,460 --> 00:17:04,291
You can scare 'em, though.
301
00:17:05,340 --> 00:17:14,089
Susan. I'm not sure... you can... lead...
a... tour group... in your condition.
302
00:17:14,740 --> 00:17:18,813
Abi, you don't have to talk slowly,
I'm blind, not foreign.
303
00:17:18,900 --> 00:17:23,451
- Right. That means you can be cured.
- Yeah, we can help you, Mum.
304
00:17:23,540 --> 00:17:26,054
No, please. Not together.
305
00:17:26,140 --> 00:17:28,176
Can you see this?
306
00:17:28,260 --> 00:17:31,172
- No.
- No? Can you see this?
307
00:17:31,260 --> 00:17:34,536
- No.
- It's no good, Mum. I've done all I can.
308
00:17:38,460 --> 00:17:40,416
(Screams)
309
00:17:41,180 --> 00:17:44,138
- What was that for?
- It's supposed to give you a shock.
310
00:17:44,220 --> 00:17:46,097
That's hiccups, Abi!
311
00:17:46,180 --> 00:17:48,091
Oh, yeah...
312
00:17:48,180 --> 00:17:52,378
- Stand aside. Leave it to a professional.
- Oh, God, no...
313
00:17:52,460 --> 00:17:54,735
Come on, Mum, this is going to work.
314
00:17:55,300 --> 00:17:57,256
Sit down.
315
00:17:57,340 --> 00:17:59,296
I'm going to try hypnotism.
316
00:17:59,380 --> 00:18:02,452
Or should I say... Nickotism.
317
00:18:04,860 --> 00:18:10,378
Oooh... Prrr-rrr...
318
00:18:10,460 --> 00:18:12,690
Your eyelids are getting very heavy.
319
00:18:12,780 --> 00:18:14,691
Rrrr-rrr...
320
00:18:14,780 --> 00:18:16,850
Nick, you're a complete idiot.
321
00:18:16,940 --> 00:18:18,817
Oh! She can see!
322
00:18:18,900 --> 00:18:20,936
No, I can't. This is pointless.
323
00:18:23,220 --> 00:18:25,814
One, two, three...
324
00:18:25,900 --> 00:18:28,573
Mum. I know what we haven't tried.
325
00:18:28,660 --> 00:18:30,616
Laser surgery!
326
00:18:34,100 --> 00:18:36,489
I'll get the handcuffs.
327
00:18:36,580 --> 00:18:41,290
Look, just, all of you! Just leave me
alone, I can take care of myself.
328
00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:49,616
So, where is this tour?
329
00:18:49,700 --> 00:18:51,656
Narnia?
330
00:18:53,380 --> 00:18:55,336
And against?
331
00:18:56,580 --> 00:18:58,536
OK, we're hung again.
332
00:18:58,620 --> 00:19:00,451
Look, look...
333
00:19:00,540 --> 00:19:03,498
I'll give you L5, please,
if you change your vote.
334
00:19:03,580 --> 00:19:07,653
I heard that, Mr Harper,
and that is jury tampering.
335
00:19:07,740 --> 00:19:09,776
I'm going to have you reported!
336
00:19:09,860 --> 00:19:13,409
Reported! We're voting
on what to have for lunch!
337
00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:17,254
It doesn't matter what it's about,
it's a matter of principle!
338
00:19:17,340 --> 00:19:19,934
It's a matter of Chinese or Indian!
339
00:19:20,020 --> 00:19:22,056
Is that all that matters to you?
340
00:19:22,140 --> 00:19:26,053
"And wretches hang
that jurymen may dine."
341
00:19:26,140 --> 00:19:28,415
And drink! Who's coming to the pub?
342
00:19:30,220 --> 00:19:32,654
Now look what you've done.
343
00:19:36,180 --> 00:19:38,296
Just get away from me!
344
00:19:38,380 --> 00:19:41,611
It's the last time
I ask you to help me ever again!
345
00:19:41,700 --> 00:19:45,488
- Two, three.
- I thought I was a good guide dog.
346
00:19:45,580 --> 00:19:49,698
No, you're the worst guide dog I ever
had! Even Abi would have been better.
347
00:19:49,780 --> 00:19:52,692
- Thanks, Susan.
- Oh. Hello, Abi.
348
00:19:52,780 --> 00:19:55,772
Abi, warning.
She's feeling a bit sorry for herself.
349
00:19:55,860 --> 00:19:59,694
The tour was a disaster. We were
supposed to go to the British Museum.
350
00:19:59,780 --> 00:20:02,055
Marks & Spencer's is very similar.
351
00:20:03,820 --> 00:20:05,651
Even Canadians know the difference
352
00:20:05,740 --> 00:20:08,698
between the Rosetta Stone
and a three-pack of knickers!
353
00:20:08,780 --> 00:20:12,170
Then instead of the Tower of London,
we went to Tower Records.
354
00:20:12,260 --> 00:20:15,889
- Tower, Tower.
- It's an easy mistake to make.
355
00:20:15,980 --> 00:20:19,575
Exactly. Any golden Labrador
would have done the same.
356
00:20:19,660 --> 00:20:23,096
If that weren't enough,
when we picnicked in Hyde Park,
357
00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:25,136
he chased a squirrel up a tree.
358
00:20:26,180 --> 00:20:28,136
Squirrel had it coming!
359
00:20:30,700 --> 00:20:33,578
But apart from that,
did you have a good time?
360
00:20:33,660 --> 00:20:36,220
No, I didn't!
361
00:20:36,300 --> 00:20:38,131
I'm sick of bumping into furniture
362
00:20:38,220 --> 00:20:41,895
and spilling tea
and putting eye shadow on my lips.
363
00:20:41,980 --> 00:20:44,289
You get used to it after a bit.
364
00:20:44,380 --> 00:20:46,291
Hi, Michael.
365
00:20:47,340 --> 00:20:49,649
- Michael, sit down.
- OK.
366
00:20:50,780 --> 00:20:54,659
- Abi, could you give us a minute?
- Sure.
367
00:20:54,740 --> 00:20:57,015
- I meant alone.
- Oh, right.
368
00:21:02,860 --> 00:21:05,215
I need to talk to you, face to face.
369
00:21:05,300 --> 00:21:07,575
Then you'll have to move over a bit.
370
00:21:07,660 --> 00:21:10,379
Please, don't change the subject.
371
00:21:10,460 --> 00:21:13,896
I feel that
if I'm going to get rid of my... my...
372
00:21:13,980 --> 00:21:17,052
- Hysterical blindness.
...optical hiccup,
373
00:21:18,060 --> 00:21:20,176
I need you to do something for me.
374
00:21:20,260 --> 00:21:25,175
Well, if you want me to relive
the scenario, just say so. I'll ring Fiona.
375
00:21:25,260 --> 00:21:28,058
Not that. I want you to apologise.
376
00:21:28,140 --> 00:21:32,770
- Apologise for what?
- It's your fault, whether you agree or not.
377
00:21:32,860 --> 00:21:36,011
You want me to feel guilty
because you reacted hysterically
378
00:21:36,100 --> 00:21:38,455
to something
I don't feel bad about at all?
379
00:21:38,540 --> 00:21:40,212
In fact, I'm proud of it.
380
00:21:40,300 --> 00:21:44,691
Proud of making your own mother
go blind? After all I've done for you?
381
00:21:44,780 --> 00:21:49,774
One day you'll be a parent and you'll
realise how difficult it is to... to...
382
00:21:54,180 --> 00:21:56,694
I'm talking to an empty room, aren't I?
383
00:21:58,100 --> 00:21:59,055
Yes.
384
00:22:02,580 --> 00:22:04,696
- Phew, yeah...
- That was good.
385
00:22:04,780 --> 00:22:07,214
Oh, yeah, yeah. That was good.
386
00:22:07,300 --> 00:22:10,292
- So you can see now, then?
- It wasn't that good.
387
00:22:10,380 --> 00:22:13,338
It was, it was. Oh, yeah...
388
00:22:13,420 --> 00:22:18,369
Your heightened senses
were on red alert tonight, baby.
389
00:22:19,140 --> 00:22:22,530
Blindness does give you
a heightened sensitivity.
390
00:22:22,620 --> 00:22:26,613
And a certain depth.
Helen Keller, Ray Charles...
391
00:22:27,300 --> 00:22:29,530
Blind Pew.
392
00:22:29,620 --> 00:22:32,532
And then, of course, there was Oedipus.
393
00:22:32,620 --> 00:22:36,374
He really only saw the truth
after he went blind.
394
00:22:36,460 --> 00:22:39,418
Funny you should mention Oedipus.
395
00:22:39,500 --> 00:22:42,458
I wonder what Mikey would think of that.
396
00:22:42,540 --> 00:22:45,577
Oedipus. Let us examine the evidence.
397
00:22:45,660 --> 00:22:48,857
Yes, mother, son, sex...
398
00:22:48,940 --> 00:22:52,376
- I didn't mean that Oedipus.
- Have you talked to Michael yet?
399
00:22:52,460 --> 00:22:55,054
I've tried, but it's no good.
400
00:22:55,140 --> 00:22:58,450
Oh, God, I need something
to take my mind off this.
401
00:22:58,540 --> 00:23:01,532
- Not again...
- Read to me.
402
00:23:01,620 --> 00:23:04,930
- Come on, please.
- Oh, Susan, please! What, now?
403
00:23:10,620 --> 00:23:15,774
"'The sea hasn't changed me, nor shall it
ever,' shouted Luke across the kelp.
404
00:23:15,860 --> 00:23:20,092
"'No, you're wrong,' she replied.
'You're cold and more bitter."'
405
00:23:20,180 --> 00:23:22,455
- That's no good.
- I know, it's rubbish.
406
00:23:22,540 --> 00:23:26,089
- Not the book, you! Do the voices.
- What?
407
00:23:26,180 --> 00:23:28,819
How can I tell who's talking
unless you do them?
408
00:23:30,300 --> 00:23:33,292
(High voice) "'No, you're wrong,'
she replied.
409
00:23:33,380 --> 00:23:35,575
"'You're cold and more bitter."'
410
00:23:35,660 --> 00:23:37,890
Don't do the voices.
411
00:23:37,980 --> 00:23:39,936
Oh, God...
412
00:23:58,700 --> 00:24:00,656
Critics!
413
00:24:11,260 --> 00:24:13,137
Hi, Mikey.
414
00:24:13,220 --> 00:24:15,780
- Mikey, Mikey, Mikey...
- So,
415
00:24:15,860 --> 00:24:18,374
the organ-grinder's sent the monkey.
416
00:24:19,820 --> 00:24:23,335
Yeah, well,
you got the organ-grinder bit right.
417
00:24:23,420 --> 00:24:27,254
Listen, Mikey,
your mother doesn't know I'm here.
418
00:24:27,340 --> 00:24:29,296
Have you come here to lecture me?
419
00:24:29,380 --> 00:24:31,496
No. Me? Course not, no.
420
00:24:31,580 --> 00:24:33,935
What you did was perfectly natural.
421
00:24:34,980 --> 00:24:36,936
I mean, I assume it was.
422
00:24:38,180 --> 00:24:40,740
I mean, I don't know
what you did, but, I mean...
423
00:24:40,820 --> 00:24:44,335
I'm not asking what you did.
I can imagine. I don't want to imagine...
424
00:24:44,420 --> 00:24:46,980
Dad, I'd rather you lecture me.
425
00:24:47,060 --> 00:24:49,893
Yes. Erm... About your mother, OK?
426
00:24:49,980 --> 00:24:52,494
I've told Mum I'm not going to apologise.
427
00:24:52,580 --> 00:24:56,050
I don't want you to apologise.
I want you to lie.
428
00:24:56,140 --> 00:24:58,096
What?
429
00:24:58,180 --> 00:25:02,492
If you're mature enough to have sex,
you're mature enough to lie about it, OK?
430
00:25:02,580 --> 00:25:06,209
Look, just tell your mother
it didn't happen.
431
00:25:06,300 --> 00:25:10,612
You want me to pretend nothing really
happened, even though I'm proud of it?
432
00:25:10,700 --> 00:25:12,656
Yeah.
433
00:25:12,740 --> 00:25:15,334
You're asking me
to give up my manhood.
434
00:25:16,780 --> 00:25:19,135
That's what being a man is all about.
435
00:25:20,060 --> 00:25:21,857
You're not making any sense.
436
00:25:21,940 --> 00:25:24,818
That's what being a man is all about, too.
437
00:25:24,900 --> 00:25:29,655
- She'll know I'm lying.
- Yes, but it's a lie she can live with.
438
00:25:31,780 --> 00:25:35,090
Yeah, yeah...
That's my boy. Sorry, man. OK?
439
00:25:36,340 --> 00:25:38,296
Didn't happen anyway.
440
00:25:39,260 --> 00:25:41,216
What?
441
00:25:41,300 --> 00:25:43,575
Mikey, you don't have to lie to me.
442
00:25:44,460 --> 00:25:46,337
I'm not lying.
443
00:25:46,420 --> 00:25:51,096
Have you ever had sex with a girl after
your mum's brought in a pile of laundry?
444
00:25:52,580 --> 00:25:55,538
Ah. So, you're still a virgin?
445
00:25:55,620 --> 00:25:58,532
Virgin's such an ugly word.
446
00:25:59,740 --> 00:26:03,050
Yeah. You know what this means,
Mikey, don't you?
447
00:26:03,140 --> 00:26:05,096
You know what this means?
448
00:26:05,180 --> 00:26:08,411
We're going to have
to go through this all again.
449
00:26:08,500 --> 00:26:10,456
Some other time!
450
00:26:10,540 --> 00:26:13,771
That's great, Mikey.
Fabulous! Thanks a bu...
451
00:26:17,980 --> 00:26:19,936
Nick!
452
00:26:22,540 --> 00:26:26,135
- You asked for Exhibit A.
- I did not ask for Exhibit A.
453
00:26:26,220 --> 00:26:28,688
No, Joanna.
454
00:26:28,780 --> 00:26:30,736
I did.
455
00:26:31,580 --> 00:26:33,775
You may go.
456
00:26:33,860 --> 00:26:35,816
I know.
457
00:26:35,900 --> 00:26:39,017
I don't know what you're up to,
Mr Harper, but it won't work.
458
00:26:39,100 --> 00:26:43,651
Won't it? Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury, I give you Exhibit A.
459
00:26:43,740 --> 00:26:46,538
- What's this?
- The offending haddock.
460
00:26:46,620 --> 00:26:48,850
(All) Phew...
- Oh, yes.
461
00:26:48,940 --> 00:26:50,737
Put that away! It stinks.
462
00:26:50,820 --> 00:26:56,053
I am merely trying to demonstrate what
it's like to work in a smelly environment.
463
00:26:56,140 --> 00:26:59,655
Yes, Edwin Taylor
knew exactly what he was doing
464
00:26:59,740 --> 00:27:03,528
when he took his cold and brutal
revenge upon his innocent victims.
465
00:27:03,620 --> 00:27:07,932
Will you stop this right now! Nothing
you can do will change my mind.
466
00:27:08,020 --> 00:27:12,138
Ha! So you admit it. You came
into this room with a closed mind.
467
00:27:12,220 --> 00:27:16,736
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
I give you Exhibit B. Closed mind!
468
00:27:16,820 --> 00:27:20,654
Ah, yes, swimming against the tide
of a thousand years of British law.
469
00:27:20,740 --> 00:27:24,130
Nay, nay, English,
for Scottish law is slightly different.
470
00:27:24,220 --> 00:27:26,176
- Yes, a closed mind!
- (# Sings)
471
00:27:26,260 --> 00:27:29,935
What do you say to that,
Miss Jurisprudence? Ha!
472
00:27:31,220 --> 00:27:33,176
Ha! Ooh!
473
00:27:34,580 --> 00:27:38,539
So, you see,
we didn't really do much at all.
474
00:27:38,620 --> 00:27:42,169
I know you're lying,
but at least that means you care.
475
00:27:42,260 --> 00:27:46,572
Oh, no, it's true. I think I'll wait
for my wedding night to have sex.
476
00:27:47,860 --> 00:27:49,816
I can see again!
477
00:27:49,900 --> 00:27:51,811
Just like you waited, Mum.
478
00:27:51,900 --> 00:27:53,856
Ah! I can't hear!
37523
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