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1
00:00:05,320 --> 00:00:08,440
- I can't get comfortable.
- It's probably the mattress.
2
00:00:08,520 --> 00:00:10,840
It's not the mattress. It's me.
3
00:00:10,920 --> 00:00:14,480
I've got all these aches
and pains I never had before.
4
00:00:14,560 --> 00:00:17,080
I'm waking up earlier in the mornings.
5
00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:20,720
And I'm developing
a taste for Battenburg cake.
6
00:00:23,480 --> 00:00:27,040
- You're not old.
- I didn't say I was getting old.
7
00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:31,120
It's just I'm going to be a grandmother.
8
00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:34,760
How do you think I feel?
I'm going to be married to one.
9
00:00:36,280 --> 00:00:40,360
Don't you ever get the feeling
that you're past it?
10
00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:43,560
- Eh?
- That your powers are failing.
11
00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:47,400
There's nothing wrong
with my powers, darling.
12
00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:52,840
Ben, sometimes I wish we could both
feel the same thing at the same time.
13
00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:56,480
Here's something we can feel together.
14
00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:59,080
- Oh.
- Yeah.
15
00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:01,480
Sir?
16
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:04,840
Do you need any help?
17
00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:07,680
I hardly think so.
18
00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:27,480
(Door slams)
19
00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:35,640
I have an announcement to make.
20
00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:38,280
I'm giving up dentistry.
21
00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:43,360
Don't you want to know the reason
I'm about to give up my career?
22
00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:46,720
Isn't it the usual one?
You have to see patients.
23
00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:49,320
That's why you gave up
dentistry Tuesday.
24
00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:51,560
And Thursday. And last Wednesday.
25
00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:57,800
No, Susan, today I had the patient
to outpatient all patients.
26
00:01:57,880 --> 00:02:00,400
He wanted me to take out all his teeth.
27
00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:03,280
- If he was in pain...
- No, Susan.
28
00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:05,520
Not only did he want me
to take them all out,
29
00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:09,680
he wanted me to put them all back again,
but in a different order.
30
00:02:09,760 --> 00:02:13,600
He said his incisors felt
they'd be happier at the back
31
00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:17,760
and his molars were canines
crying to get out.
32
00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:20,640
So what do you think?
33
00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:22,280
- Oh.
- It's for Janey's baby.
34
00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:26,800
It's... I'm sure it'll love it when it's born,
whatever it is.
35
00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:30,960
I know. It started out as a jumper,
but then evolved into a scarf,
36
00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:34,840
but now I think it's either a baby bonnet,
or an oven glove.
37
00:02:34,920 --> 00:02:37,800
- What do you think?
- I don't think you want to know.
38
00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:41,800
- What's for dinner?
- Siberian takeaway.
39
00:02:41,880 --> 00:02:44,400
Good. Frozen food again.
40
00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:48,040
You're home late.
The kids are out. Deal with it.
41
00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:51,240
Oops. Time for
my nightly chat with Janey.
42
00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:53,520
You only spoke to her this morning.
43
00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:55,560
That was my daily chat.
44
00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:58,440
She hasn't got long to go now.
45
00:02:58,520 --> 00:03:01,120
A daughter needs a mother
at a time like this.
46
00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:04,320
That's why she's having
the baby 200 miles away.
47
00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:05,680
Get the hint.
48
00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:08,360
Hi, darling. Yes, me again.
49
00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:11,720
I don't call you 50 times a day.
50
00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:15,880
The reason I wouldn't want my mother
calling me is because she's annoying
51
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:17,520
and I'm not.
52
00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:19,560
No, you're wrong.
53
00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:21,960
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
54
00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:27,240
Yes, but, Janey, in birth terms,
three weeks to go means any time now.
55
00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:30,880
The reason why I sound like
I know it all is because I do.
56
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:33,800
It's a gift from God and if I didn't use it...
57
00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:36,480
"Ow"? What do you mean, "ow"?
58
00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:39,440
Janey? Janey? She hung up on me.
59
00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:42,480
- Count your blessings.
- She must be in labour.
60
00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:46,240
You can tell that over the phone,
can you? Are you a psychic midwife?
61
00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:47,720
She's not answering.
62
00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:52,840
If not answering you was a sign of going
into labour, when's Michael's baby due?
63
00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:55,760
But she said, "ow", Ben. "Ow".
64
00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:59,600
I hear 50 "ows" a day.
Very few of them are labour pains.
65
00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:02,280
It wasn't an, "I'm at a crap dentist"
sort of "ow".
66
00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:04,880
It was a labour sort of "ow".
67
00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:09,040
- That's it. We're going to Manchester.
- But, Susan, look...
68
00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:12,600
Calm down, will you?
Janey is not going into labour.
69
00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:17,120
Janey is a drama queen.
She goes, "ow" over a split end.
70
00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:21,400
Even if she were going into labour,
she said she wants to go it alone.
71
00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:25,240
- No, she didn't want the father involved.
- Good. That rules me out.
72
00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:28,200
No, the baby's father, whoever he is.
73
00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:31,400
Come on.
Oh, should I take the baby bonnet?
74
00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:35,840
- No, leave it. I'll lag the pipes with it.
- You're coming, too.
75
00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:39,880
No. You said her friends were going
to rally round when the time came.
76
00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:42,600
They were, but they're
at a Travis concert. Come on.
77
00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:46,720
I'll start the car.
You get my old beanbag from the cellar.
78
00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:48,160
- (Microwave bell)
- Ah!
79
00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:50,200
(Susan) Beanbag!
80
00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:57,040
Susan, please, you're doing 50.
81
00:04:57,120 --> 00:04:58,680
I need to.
82
00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:01,680
Oh, I think you just clipped
that old woman.
83
00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:06,280
No. It's OK. She's struggling
back to her feet again.
84
00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:12,120
- Stop it, this is no time for flippancy.
- It's not flippancy. It's terror. Slow down.
85
00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:15,000
Go any faster and I'll be giving birth.
86
00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:17,400
Keep trying Janey.
87
00:05:18,280 --> 00:05:20,440
Why isn't she answering?
88
00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:23,360
Perhaps she's a little busy
at the moment.
89
00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:31,800
I've got a great idea. Why don't you drop
me off here and I'll ring her from home?
90
00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:33,760
Nice try. Forget it.
91
00:05:33,840 --> 00:05:37,200
That's right. Plan A,
work out the best thing to do.
92
00:05:37,280 --> 00:05:40,400
Plan B, do what she says instead.
93
00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:45,240
- Ben, we are in this together.
- You don't need me.
94
00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:47,080
I'll be a spare part.
95
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:50,280
Remember how I was
at our own kids' births?
96
00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:52,280
Virtually no help at all.
97
00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:56,120
You were a lot of help,
if I remember, with all three.
98
00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:59,960
(Screaming)
99
00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:09,920
You're right. You were no help at all.
100
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:14,440
I didn't say, "no help".
I said, "virtually no help".
101
00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:20,080
- I wasn't that bad.
- You weren't bad. You were useless.
102
00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:23,720
- I was a tower of strength.
- You were a pillar of jelly.
103
00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:28,200
- Wait a minute. I looked after you.
- When?
104
00:06:29,280 --> 00:06:33,040
I tried to stop you going to the disco
the night Nick was born.
105
00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:35,640
Ben, hurry up, we'll be late!
106
00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:38,840
Do you really think you're up to it,
in your condition?
107
00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:42,680
I'm not in a condition.
I'm in the mood to dance.
108
00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:44,920
♪ Do the bump
109
00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:47,000
♪ Do the bump,
do the bump, do the bump ♪
110
00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:50,200
What? It wasn't me
who wanted to go to the disco.
111
00:06:50,280 --> 00:06:54,720
Well, it must have been. I hated disco.
112
00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:58,440
No, I was a rock and jazz man.
113
00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:02,600
Except just before Nick was born,
you put that stupid suit on.
114
00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:04,960
You were determined to wear it.
115
00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:12,520
Come on. How do I look?
116
00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:15,680
Fabulous. Now, take it off.
117
00:07:15,760 --> 00:07:18,320
- What?
- There's a good Play For Today on.
118
00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:22,360
No way. Come on.
I want to strut my stuff.
119
00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:24,400
This lot cost me 30 quid.
120
00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:28,320
Why don't you wear it to your
dental convention in Huddersfield?
121
00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:32,160
Remember what Marina said,
from the natural birth class.
122
00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:34,760
Come on. You've got to keep supple, girl.
123
00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:38,600
She meant do the lotus position,
not go out bopping.
124
00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:43,480
This could be our last chance before
the sprog grows up and leaves home.
125
00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:46,080
This could be our last night of freedom.
126
00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:48,560
But I want to be free to watch the telly.
127
00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:50,400
Come on, babe. Come on.
128
00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:53,240
Ooh! It's going to be fun.
129
00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:54,640
- Yeah.
- OK.
130
00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:58,280
- Wahey! Fig roll.
- Oh, I need the iron.
131
00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:01,560
(# Disco)
132
00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:03,960
I thought you knew how to disco.
133
00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:06,520
Look, I've just got the suit.
134
00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:17,880
If this is my last night of freedom,
we might as well make the most of it.
135
00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:21,240
Oh-ho! That's so funky.
136
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,520
- Ah!
- Oh!
137
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,160
- Ah!
- Ooh!
138
00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:38,240
- Aah!
- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
139
00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:41,000
- Ooh! Ooh!
- Will you shut up?
140
00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:43,720
- I'm in labour.
- Ooh! Oh, God.
141
00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:53,200
- Susan?
- What?
142
00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:56,840
Think we've got time for a sandwich?
I haven't eaten.
143
00:08:57,680 --> 00:08:59,640
I understand. It's OK.
144
00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:06,360
I think there's some Tic Tacs in that side
pocket. Would you get them for me?
145
00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:08,760
I'm busy.
146
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:10,800
Touchy.
147
00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:13,720
Oh!
148
00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:15,760
- Aow.
- Oh!
149
00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:18,600
- Oh!
- Oh, you...
150
00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:20,640
- Will you stop imitating me?
- I'm not.
151
00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:23,560
I've got my medallion
stuck in my chest hair.
152
00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:26,120
- Well, pull it out.
- That'll hurt more.
153
00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:28,680
Oh, boo-bloody-hoo for you.
154
00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:34,120
It's all right. I know.
I'll put on that tape of relaxation music.
155
00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:35,760
(# The Stranglers: Peaches)
156
00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:38,800
Marina said music
will distract us from our pain.
157
00:09:38,880 --> 00:09:40,640
My pain.
158
00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:43,040
Yes, yours, too.
159
00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:46,000
♪ Lap me up
160
00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:49,080
♪ Why don't you come on
and lap me up... ♪
161
00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:52,440
"Lap me up?
Why don't you come and lap me up?"
162
00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:55,040
- Turn it off.
- It's romantic.
163
00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:59,520
Romantic? Romantic? You really think
you're going to get it tonight?
164
00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:05,240
Marina said you're supposed to get this
annoying when you're about to push.
165
00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:07,280
"Marina said, Marina said..."
166
00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:08,880
(Turns music off)
167
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:11,560
What does Marina
bloody say about that?
168
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:16,120
Marina is bloody speechless.
169
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:17,400
(Moans)
170
00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:21,000
No, no, still no answer.
171
00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:25,880
This could be another one
of your wild goose chases.
172
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:30,920
She's probably watching Travis
at this very moment.
173
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:32,960
What a dreadful thought.
174
00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:35,360
I quite like
Why Does It Always Rain On Me?
175
00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:38,120
You might be driving
all this way for nothing.
176
00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:42,480
You are so right... yet again.
177
00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:45,840
Plan C, let's turn back.
178
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:48,960
No, we can't take that chance.
Keep trying her.
179
00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:53,120
Susan, Susan, slow down.
There's a Little Chef and... and...
180
00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:55,160
he's a lot littler now.
181
00:10:57,280 --> 00:10:59,040
You were wrong to do that.
182
00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:01,080
All you can think about is food.
183
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:05,200
I meant The Stranglers tape
you threw out. We never replaced it.
184
00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:07,240
We replaced it with Nick.
185
00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:09,120
Look, Happy Eater, 15 miles.
186
00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:11,600
And Birmingham 48.
It's not worth stopping.
187
00:11:11,680 --> 00:11:13,680
We're practically in Manchester.
188
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:17,320
Just for a sandwich, please.
I haven't eaten.
189
00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:20,360
If the baby's on the way,
it won't wait for us.
190
00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:22,400
They have their own schedule.
191
00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:24,440
Remember?
192
00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:29,440
Come on, Susan! Push!
Push, Susan! Push!
193
00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:34,840
It's no good, babe, we're out of petrol.
194
00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:44,600
You didn't fill up.
195
00:11:44,680 --> 00:11:47,560
I didn't know Janey was going
to give birth tonight.
196
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,200
You never plan ahead.
197
00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:51,800
I should have kept
a full tank for nine months?
198
00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:56,440
How about a little push?
199
00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:00,560
If it's out of petrol, pushing won't help.
200
00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:02,600
It'll help cheer me up.
201
00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:09,240
I can't believe you made me
get out and push a car in my condition.
202
00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:11,280
You had all that weight.
203
00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:14,280
Pushing for two.
204
00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:18,480
You've always been heartless.
205
00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:24,400
Do the AA come equipped
with emergency sandwiches?
206
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:27,400
You haven't changed a bit.
207
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:31,560
That's all you could think about
the night Nick was born. Your stomach.
208
00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:33,400
It should have been mine.
209
00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:38,040
Nice bloke, that cabbie.
210
00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:42,560
He wasn't. You had to bribe him because
he didn't want me to give birth in his cab.
211
00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:46,200
Well, he had a point.
You know, new seat covers.
212
00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:50,720
It's amazing any women reach hospital
to give birth with men like you around,
213
00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:52,760
fussing over their car seats.
214
00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:57,360
You'd prefer us to drop our babies
in some ditch by the side of the A12.
215
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:02,960
- Ben?
- What?
216
00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:05,640
- Ben, Ben, Ben?
- What, what, what?
217
00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:08,240
- Turn around. I want to go home.
- What?
218
00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:10,640
Turn me around.
We'll come back in a few years.
219
00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:13,840
- Susan...
- No, no, the pains have stopped.
220
00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:15,960
Maybe I'm not pregnant after all.
221
00:13:16,040 --> 00:13:19,920
- It was just a very large meal.
- Susan, hey, hey.
222
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:22,160
Don't be silly. Come on.
223
00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:25,600
This is the moment
you've... we've been waiting for.
224
00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,400
We're about to be parents.
225
00:13:27,480 --> 00:13:30,000
But I'm not ready, Ben. It's too soon.
226
00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:32,600
I'm too young to be a mother.
227
00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:35,280
What about the Galapagos Islands?
228
00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:38,480
- What about them?
- I'll never visit them now.
229
00:13:38,560 --> 00:13:40,880
Never see the giant tortoises.
230
00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:44,040
- My life's over.
- No, it isn't.
231
00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:47,040
- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't. Susan, hey, hey, hey.
232
00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:49,640
Look, this is a new beginning.
233
00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:52,840
We'll be modern parents.
234
00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:56,480
You'll have the baby strapped
to your back and go to your Galapagos
235
00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:58,960
while I stay at home changing nappies.
236
00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:01,360
Come on. Come on.
237
00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:03,400
Up you come.
238
00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:08,680
Wait a minute. How can you be
at home changing nappies,
239
00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:11,080
while I've got the baby
on the Galapagos?
240
00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:17,920
- Hmm.
- Oh, I see. You want two.
241
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:22,080
Well, let's see how one goes first.
242
00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:25,280
- Promise me, we'll only have the one.
- Susan.
243
00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:27,880
- Promise, promise.
- One little baby.
244
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:31,520
Hey, how hard can that be? Mmm?
245
00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:34,120
You've seen how small they are.
246
00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:36,160
And how big we are.
247
00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:39,480
Massive.
248
00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:41,600
- Do you think we'll cope OK?
- Yeah.
249
00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:43,640
Yeah, yeah.
250
00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:48,160
Be a doddle. Yup.
Even stupid people can bring up kids.
251
00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:50,160
Look at our parents.
252
00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:52,760
We won't make the same mistakes
our parents did.
253
00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:54,400
No. No.
254
00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:58,000
No, we'll make different ones.
Even then our kids will survive.
255
00:14:58,080 --> 00:15:01,640
In the cold, cruel urban sprawl.
256
00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:04,840
We'll move to the country,
on the money I'm going to earn.
257
00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:08,480
They say dentistry is
the new rock and roll.
258
00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:11,680
I'll be the Roger Daltrey of oral hygiene.
259
00:15:11,760 --> 00:15:15,840
I like the sound of the country.
We could have an acre of land.
260
00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:17,680
I could play my cello.
261
00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:21,120
Without disturbing...
Yes, you could play your cello.
262
00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:24,760
- I could start a colony of potters.
- I could build a workshop myself.
263
00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:29,640
- And live in an old rambling vicarage.
- Bought from an old rambling vicar.
264
00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:34,200
- You still make me laugh, even now.
- Good.
265
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:37,560
Come on.
266
00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:40,160
Does this mean you're going
to have the baby?
267
00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:42,200
I might give it a try.
268
00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:44,440
But I reserve my right to back out.
269
00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:56,320
L8.79 for petrol.
270
00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:59,400
560 quid for a sandwich.
271
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:02,080
You shouldn't have punched
the vending machine.
272
00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:04,120
- It was broken.
- Now it is.
273
00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:08,360
- What is it?
- Coronation chicken.
274
00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:10,400
With shards of glass.
275
00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:14,000
It's like eating at home.
276
00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:17,280
I wish she'd answer.
277
00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:22,200
How can you think
about food at a time like this?
278
00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:24,040
It's a displacement worry.
279
00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:27,440
I'm transferring my anxiety
about Janey onto the food.
280
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:30,640
- It's normal.
- It's cobblers, that's what it is.
281
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:35,560
I suppose I could eat around the glass.
282
00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:37,400
(Mobile phone)
283
00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:39,760
Janey.
284
00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:50,440
41 minutes since the last contraction.
285
00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:56,240
In that case, it's safe to pop out
and get something to eat. For you?
286
00:16:56,320 --> 00:16:58,480
No, stay here with me and worry.
287
00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:02,600
Why has everything stopped?
288
00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:05,880
Maybe the little sod's
working to his own schedule.
289
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:10,320
- He's got a mind of his own.
- Well, at least he's got a mind.
290
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:14,160
- That's a start.
- What kind of mind, though?
291
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:20,360
Maybe he, or she, will go to Oxford
or Cambridge and study law.
292
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:22,960
No, nuclear physics.
293
00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:27,840
Yeah, I've always fancied a kid of mine
winning a Nobel Prize or two.
294
00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:31,480
What does a Nobel Prize look like?
295
00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:34,600
Prime minister's not a bad job.
296
00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:36,440
Keep him out the house.
297
00:17:36,520 --> 00:17:41,320
Yes, he'll be out of the house
before we know it.
298
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:43,480
- In the blink of an eye.
- Hang on.
299
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:45,720
A minute ago, you didn't want this kid.
300
00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:49,200
Now you're weeping cos he'll be
leaving home in 18 years' time.
301
00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:51,600
So, I'm hormonal.
302
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:55,760
These days, I get weepy over Hovis ads.
303
00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:58,000
Star Trek.
304
00:17:58,080 --> 00:17:59,800
That's true.
305
00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:03,760
I suppose it doesn't matter about
our child having a brilliant career.
306
00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:06,600
As long as they're a really good person.
307
00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:09,600
- You know, I was just thinking that.
- Were you?
308
00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:11,440
- Yup.
- We're so alike.
309
00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:13,280
- I know.
- It's scary.
310
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:16,120
- I was going to say that.
- Were you?
311
00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:18,360
Do you know what I'm thinking now?
312
00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:20,600
Oh, go and look for some food, Ben.
313
00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:25,760
You're at St Margaret's.
314
00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:30,280
No, dear, I'm not driving up
to Manchester. Your father is.
315
00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:33,600
Don't worry, Janey.
You've got me as your birth partner.
316
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:38,120
I'll start on the phone, but when we
arrive, I'll be able to roll up my sleeves...
317
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:40,400
Janey? Janey?
318
00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:42,520
We must be in an area
with bad reception.
319
00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:48,360
Mmm. Mmm. Or what's being received
badly is the news that you're coming.
320
00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:58,640
Bloody machine.
321
00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:01,240
Oh, no, no, no, that never works, mate.
322
00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:04,840
Never. What you've got
to do is learn to relax. Hang loose.
323
00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:07,240
I can't. My wife's about to give birth.
324
00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:09,480
Yeah, yeah, mine, too.
325
00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:12,680
Ben Harper, by the way. Dentist.
326
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:15,880
Alex Mitchell. Shadow of a man.
327
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:21,960
Take it from me as a health professional,
birth, it's a natural process.
328
00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:26,240
It's like pulling teeth.
Nothing to worry about. It's exciting.
329
00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:29,560
- I see. It must be your first.
- Yeah, yeah, you too?
330
00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:34,080
Third. I'd say going for a third was
the biggest mistake of my life.
331
00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:38,200
The first two are
such complete monsters.
332
00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:42,760
I'm trying to think of it as an adventurous
journey into an unknown land.
333
00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:46,800
More like being exiled to some
godforsaken banana republic
334
00:19:46,880 --> 00:19:49,400
and having your passport ripped up.
335
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:54,000
So any little nuggets of advice
for a first-time dad, then?
336
00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:56,680
Yeah, there's the exit.
337
00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:58,920
Run and don't look back.
338
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:02,040
(Tannoy) Ben Harper,please return to delivery suite 3.
339
00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:04,080
Oh, yes. It's happening. Yes.
340
00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:07,720
Well, it's your choice, mate,
freedom or slavery?
341
00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:11,000
Well, slavery it is, then.
342
00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:15,160
- See you in hell.
- Nice talking to you, too.
343
00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:19,320
Susan, it's all right. I'm coming. I'm here.
344
00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:22,000
It's OK. Come on.
Let it come. Let it come.
345
00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:23,680
What?
346
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:28,200
- I thought the baby was coming.
- Not yet, it's stopped.
347
00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:32,240
What? I ran all the way.
You had me paged.
348
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:34,920
Yes, because we haven't
chosen a name yet.
349
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:37,920
Is that it?
350
00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:41,080
This is not a good time.
351
00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:44,800
When do you suggest?
When our child is 28?
352
00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:46,840
I'm too weak from hunger to think.
353
00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:49,600
Good, your resistance will be low.
354
00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:52,000
- Peter?
- Where?
355
00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:54,040
Peter, oh, no.
356
00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:56,080
No, I knew a Peter at school.
357
00:20:57,200 --> 00:21:00,760
He smelt of instant custard.
358
00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:03,720
- Adam?
- No.
359
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:05,600
He stole my marbles.
360
00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:08,840
How about Robin, or Mark?
361
00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:12,480
No. They used to gang up on me.
362
00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:14,280
Erm... David, then?
363
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,120
No, Mark's middle name.
364
00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:24,680
- Steven?
- No, I lent a Steven a rubber glove once.
365
00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:27,680
Never got it back either.
366
00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:29,720
Oh, for God's sakes.
367
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:34,760
- You shouldn't be lying there like that.
- I'm fine.
368
00:21:34,840 --> 00:21:38,200
As long as they don't
decide to do an internal.
369
00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:40,440
- Pegasus?
- No.
370
00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:43,640
- Thwackum?
- No.
371
00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:48,160
That's it. We're naming the baby after the
next person that comes into this room.
372
00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:51,360
- That's insane.
- You're not eating till we pick a name.
373
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:53,400
But inspired.
374
00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:56,440
Good evening. I'm the chief obstetrician.
375
00:21:56,520 --> 00:21:58,840
- What's your name?
- My name?
376
00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:00,880
Bum-Face.
377
00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:04,400
- It's a nickname.
- That's it.
378
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:07,200
- Bum-Face?
- Nick. Let's eat.
379
00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:20,400
Oi, Tony Manero, don't touch that.
380
00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:24,480
I'm a health professional
and... I need this food.
381
00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:27,320
I'm sorry, that meal belongs to Mr Clark.
382
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:29,120
Well, where is Mr Clark?
383
00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:32,400
In the mortuary. He just died.
384
00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:36,200
Well, he won't be needing it,
then, will he?
385
00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:43,480
So, Mr Clark, do you know him?
386
00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:45,360
Up until half an hour ago, yes.
387
00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:48,640
Did he die before
or after eating this food?
388
00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:51,040
If only we knew.
389
00:22:52,040 --> 00:22:54,480
Ben Harper,please return to delivery suite 3.
390
00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:57,160
Mr Harper to delivery suite 3, please.
391
00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:11,120
You shouldn't throw
beanbags out the window.
392
00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:14,160
- They're short-staffed in casualty.
- It was no help.
393
00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:17,480
- Your husband will be right along.
- (Screams)
394
00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:22,000
You don't mind some observers,
Mrs Harper. They're a class of first years.
395
00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:25,640
I don't care if they're photographers
from Jugs And Bums magazine,
396
00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:27,880
just get this thing moving along.
397
00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:30,480
I'll be in later
when things start warming up.
398
00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:35,160
Warming up? They're at boiling point!
Come back, Bum-Face! Oh!
399
00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:38,560
Susan, just breathe. Breathe.
400
00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:43,080
I am bloody breathing. Haven't you
ever seen anyone breathe before?
401
00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:46,720
Don't just stand there watching.
Do something. Hoi! You!
402
00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:49,720
Come back! Join in!
403
00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:53,880
Lend a hand! Somebody,
get this thing out of me!
404
00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:56,200
- Susan, Susan.
- I'm in here somewhere.
405
00:23:56,280 --> 00:23:58,280
- Let me through, health professional.
- Ben!
406
00:23:58,360 --> 00:24:01,040
- Out the way, I booked weeks ago.
- Come closer, Ben.
407
00:24:01,120 --> 00:24:05,080
- Yes, darling.
- You did this to me!
408
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:06,920
You asked me to.
409
00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:08,640
Begged me, as I recall.
410
00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:11,240
Never do what I ask again!
411
00:24:11,320 --> 00:24:15,680
- Oh! I want an epidural.
- No, no. You want your beanbag.
412
00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:18,360
Why don't you jump out the window
and get it?
413
00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:21,320
- More gas.
- Please, give her gas.
414
00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:24,000
No gas, Susan,
you're about to have your baby.
415
00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:29,440
I don't want a baby. I want drugs!
416
00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:32,920
It was absolute hell.
417
00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:35,080
Yeah.
418
00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:36,920
But we did it, didn't we?
419
00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:39,920
Yes, we did.
420
00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:43,560
Not like poor little Janey,
going through it on her own.
421
00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:45,960
- At least I had your hand to hold.
- Chest.
422
00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:49,080
- What?
- You held onto my chest hairs.
423
00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:51,120
Which one?
424
00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:55,640
It was agony, but you did
disentangle my medallion.
425
00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:58,880
Yes and without an epidural.
You were so brave.
426
00:25:00,280 --> 00:25:04,720
It was worth it, though.
Nick was a beautiful baby, wasn't he?
427
00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:12,840
Hello, Dad.
428
00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:14,520
Can you lend me a fiver?
429
00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:16,680
(Tyres screech)
430
00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:28,960
- What? What's wrong?
- I'm not ready, Ben.
431
00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:33,480
What? Susan, we've travelled
over 200 miles, spent 600 quid
432
00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:37,120
and I'm three stone lighter
than I was when I left home.
433
00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:40,560
- You are ready.
- But I'm too young to be a grandmother.
434
00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:43,240
Grandmothers don't visit
the Galapagos Islands.
435
00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:45,920
You will. I'll buy you a one-way ticket.
436
00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:49,440
Now, come on.
Let's get this over and down with.
437
00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:51,480
- Ah, Nurse.
- Can I help you?
438
00:25:51,560 --> 00:25:54,080
Our daughter's having a baby.
Janey Harper.
439
00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:56,040
Oh, yes, she's had the baby.
440
00:25:57,440 --> 00:25:59,640
- Is she all right?
- Everything OK?
441
00:25:59,720 --> 00:26:02,840
Don't worry. It's all fine.
He's sleeping in the nursery.
442
00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:05,440
- He's asleep.
- He's a boy.
443
00:26:06,360 --> 00:26:10,120
Why isn't he with Janey?
This isn't normal. Is Janey ill?
444
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:13,960
No, she just wanted us to take him
while she painted her nails.
445
00:26:14,040 --> 00:26:16,000
Oh, that's normal.
446
00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:18,920
- Can we look at the baby?
- Of course.
447
00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:22,760
- Janey said you can hold him if you like.
- Good old Janey.
448
00:26:22,840 --> 00:26:24,600
(Baby cries)
449
00:26:27,120 --> 00:26:30,240
- See? He doesn't bite.
- No.
450
00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:34,240
No, but he does pee.
451
00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:38,120
That's because you're holding him
all wrong. Come here.
452
00:26:38,200 --> 00:26:41,760
Oh, come here, my little one.
453
00:26:41,840 --> 00:26:44,960
That nasty man doesn't know...
454
00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:48,880
He doesn't just pee.
455
00:26:58,400 --> 00:27:00,720
My God, we're grandparents.
456
00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:03,440
Can you believe it?
457
00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:06,280
Does that mean
we can stop being parents?
458
00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:13,600
So this is what it's like
being grandparents.
459
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:17,600
I don't know. You look pretty hot to me.
460
00:27:18,520 --> 00:27:20,480
Grandmother.
461
00:27:24,360 --> 00:27:28,120
- You still haven't chosen a name yet.
- No. OK. Let's do it.
462
00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:30,160
OK.
463
00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:32,400
- Granny.
- That's too old lady.
464
00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:36,120
- Nanny.
- I'm not a goat.
465
00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:39,080
- Grandmama.
- That is so Red Riding Hood.
466
00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:41,120
So uncool.
467
00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:42,760
Chip?
468
00:27:42,840 --> 00:27:45,760
Chip... now you're talking.
469
00:27:46,920 --> 00:27:48,680
Gramps.
470
00:27:49,480 --> 00:27:51,040
Gramps.
36876
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