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1
00:00:17,580 --> 00:00:20,253
Hello, all. I come bearing kiwi.
2
00:00:20,340 --> 00:00:22,774
Thank you. I love kiwi.
3
00:00:23,860 --> 00:00:26,294
Do you like kiwi, Abi?
4
00:00:26,380 --> 00:00:28,610
So that's why they can't fly.
5
00:00:30,500 --> 00:00:32,968
- What are you doing here?
- You invited me.
6
00:00:33,060 --> 00:00:36,211
- No, I did not.
- You did. I just forgot to tell you.
7
00:00:36,300 --> 00:00:39,576
- Can I make you some bacon?
- I'll have what Abi's having.
8
00:00:39,660 --> 00:00:41,013
Get your own.
9
00:00:41,100 --> 00:00:43,819
- Have a seat, Roger.
- What?
10
00:00:44,940 --> 00:00:47,215
What's that lovely perfume?
11
00:00:47,300 --> 00:00:49,131
Scrambled eggs.
12
00:00:49,220 --> 00:00:51,256
It smells divine.
13
00:00:51,340 --> 00:00:54,616
See that? He fancies her. It's so sweet.
14
00:00:54,700 --> 00:00:56,577
It is not sweet. It's dangerous.
15
00:00:56,660 --> 00:01:00,699
- Why? I think they'd make a nice couple.
- Two wrongs do not make a right.
16
00:01:00,780 --> 00:01:04,136
He likes her. All he needs
is a push in the right direction.
17
00:01:04,220 --> 00:01:07,576
- And I am that pusher.
- Well, you can leave me out.
18
00:01:07,660 --> 00:01:09,855
I knew I could count on you.
19
00:01:11,060 --> 00:01:14,769
The leader of the squirrel people
is called Andy.
20
00:01:16,740 --> 00:01:19,493
- I'd better go. I'm gonna be late for work.
- Already?
21
00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:22,697
I was hoping we could
talk more about... squirrels.
22
00:01:22,780 --> 00:01:25,692
- Some other time.
- It's a date.
23
00:01:29,180 --> 00:01:34,095
You know, Roger, call me romantic,
but I think you like someone.
24
00:01:34,180 --> 00:01:36,250
What do you mean?
25
00:01:36,340 --> 00:01:41,460
Let's just say I've noticed you
coming around here more often.
26
00:01:41,540 --> 00:01:44,737
- I don't know what to say.
- You don't have to say anything.
27
00:01:44,820 --> 00:01:47,129
It'll be our little secret.
28
00:01:47,220 --> 00:01:52,089
Susan, I'm flattered,
but I consider you a good friend.
29
00:01:53,660 --> 00:01:57,892
- I don't think you understand.
- Look, never in a million years.
30
00:01:57,980 --> 00:02:00,938
All right, Roger, I get it.
31
00:02:01,020 --> 00:02:04,012
- I'm not talking about me.
- Oh, thank God.
32
00:02:04,100 --> 00:02:06,534
You don't have to be that relieved.
33
00:02:06,620 --> 00:02:13,651
All I'm saying is, it's obvious
that you like someone... else.
34
00:02:14,820 --> 00:02:18,449
Actually, I do have my eye on someone.
35
00:02:18,540 --> 00:02:20,690
But I don't know how to talk to her.
36
00:02:20,780 --> 00:02:25,092
I've dedicated my life to dentistry.
I've got no real experience with women.
37
00:02:26,460 --> 00:02:29,258
- Except for their teeth.
- Relax.
38
00:02:29,340 --> 00:02:32,377
Even the most inept people
have romance inside them.
39
00:02:32,460 --> 00:02:35,054
I mean, look at Ben.
40
00:02:36,540 --> 00:02:40,328
When he was wooing me,
he wrote me the most romantic poem.
41
00:02:40,420 --> 00:02:43,298
Your husband Ben?
42
00:02:43,380 --> 00:02:48,898
Yes. I still remember every word.
It's called Susan's Face.
43
00:02:48,980 --> 00:02:51,494
"For all of my life
I have searched for your face
44
00:02:51,580 --> 00:02:53,650
"And now I have seen it
45
00:02:53,740 --> 00:02:55,651
"I've now seen the smile, the eyes
46
00:02:55,740 --> 00:02:59,050
"Felt the wondrous embrace
of the face I've been looking for
47
00:03:00,100 --> 00:03:03,490
- "My soul has searched for the...
- (Both) "...luminous face...
48
00:03:03,580 --> 00:03:05,889
"...that I now behold before me."
49
00:03:10,780 --> 00:03:13,419
- What?
- It's uncanny.
50
00:03:13,500 --> 00:03:17,573
Ben's poem is almost exactly like a poem
by Jelaluddin Rumi.
51
00:03:21,900 --> 00:03:23,572
Really.
52
00:03:23,660 --> 00:03:29,451
But it is different. His was called
Your Face. Ben's is called Susan's Face.
53
00:03:37,140 --> 00:03:40,371
I have some very important news
so I need your full attention.
54
00:03:40,460 --> 00:03:42,257
- Oi, Nick.
- Nick!
55
00:03:43,260 --> 00:03:46,252
I've decided to dedicate my body
to science.
56
00:03:48,060 --> 00:03:51,211
Very good. When's the autopsy?
57
00:03:51,300 --> 00:03:53,450
No, listen, Dad.
58
00:03:53,540 --> 00:03:56,577
The drugs companies have stopped
testing on rats and monkeys
59
00:03:56,660 --> 00:03:58,935
cos of all the animal rights protests.
60
00:03:59,020 --> 00:04:01,693
Now they're using humans instead.
61
00:04:01,780 --> 00:04:05,250
So you're going to be a human lab rat?
62
00:04:05,340 --> 00:04:09,049
- Great plan, eh?
- Yeah, you could grow a third ear.
63
00:04:10,100 --> 00:04:11,772
Brilliant!
64
00:04:11,860 --> 00:04:13,976
I'll be like a superhero.
65
00:04:17,380 --> 00:04:19,450
Sonar Man.
66
00:04:19,540 --> 00:04:21,974
No! The Earwig.
67
00:04:22,060 --> 00:04:25,132
What about Prat Man?
68
00:04:25,220 --> 00:04:27,370
No, no, Dad. But seriously, mate.
69
00:04:27,460 --> 00:04:31,851
I'm gonna make a fortune. And I'll be
eligible for the company pension plan.
70
00:04:31,940 --> 00:04:34,135
If I survive the first year.
71
00:04:34,220 --> 00:04:38,133
Don't you think even for you
this scheme is a little dangerous?
72
00:04:38,220 --> 00:04:40,654
Don't worry, mate.
These babies are harmless.
73
00:04:42,900 --> 00:04:46,256
"Caution: This drug may cause
short-term memory loss."
74
00:04:46,340 --> 00:04:49,093
Ah, but it may not.
75
00:04:49,180 --> 00:04:51,296
What happens if I forget who you are?
76
00:04:51,380 --> 00:04:54,452
What happens if you forget
where you live? What...
77
00:04:54,540 --> 00:04:56,132
Good luck with the new job.
78
00:05:01,220 --> 00:05:03,211
Ben.
79
00:05:03,300 --> 00:05:05,575
A word.
80
00:05:05,660 --> 00:05:08,015
One word or several?
81
00:05:12,540 --> 00:05:14,690
I think I'm gonna need one of those.
82
00:05:15,540 --> 00:05:17,895
One of what?
83
00:05:31,940 --> 00:05:34,249
Look, I said I'm sorry.
84
00:05:35,700 --> 00:05:40,455
I don't know why you're making
such a big deal about one little poem.
85
00:05:40,540 --> 00:05:44,055
Do you mean the romantic poem
you supposedly wrote to me?
86
00:05:44,140 --> 00:05:46,529
The poem that made me
fall in love with you?
87
00:05:46,620 --> 00:05:49,054
The poem that got me into the sack?
88
00:05:54,180 --> 00:05:56,171
Yeah, that one.
89
00:05:57,500 --> 00:06:00,936
It's not funny, Ben.
That night was very special to me.
90
00:06:01,020 --> 00:06:04,649
I gave you the most precious part
of myself because of that poem.
91
00:06:06,180 --> 00:06:08,978
You stole my virginity.
92
00:06:09,060 --> 00:06:12,973
You didn't have it to steal!
You weren't a virgin!
93
00:06:13,060 --> 00:06:15,858
It was my first time with you.
94
00:06:15,940 --> 00:06:18,534
Women get to start afresh
with each man.
95
00:06:21,140 --> 00:06:23,256
- What?
- The point is...
96
00:06:23,340 --> 00:06:26,093
I slept with you under false pretences.
97
00:06:26,180 --> 00:06:28,091
Well, nothing's changed then.
98
00:06:28,180 --> 00:06:31,616
Don't you see?
Our entire marriage is based on a lie.
99
00:06:31,700 --> 00:06:35,215
How dare you say that?
Our marriage is based on many lies.
100
00:06:37,820 --> 00:06:41,529
I didn't fall in love with you.
I fell in love with Jelaluddin Rumi.
101
00:06:41,620 --> 00:06:44,259
Good. Then the kids are his.
102
00:06:46,380 --> 00:06:48,689
I wasn't lying.
103
00:06:48,780 --> 00:06:52,375
I was just expressing myself
through somebody else's words.
104
00:06:55,260 --> 00:06:57,649
I love you.
105
00:06:58,820 --> 00:07:01,812
I mean, it took me a lot of time and effort
to copy that poem.
106
00:07:03,940 --> 00:07:07,569
Come on, Susan. Come on.
Let me make it up to you, hey?
107
00:07:07,660 --> 00:07:09,616
- Come on.
- I don't know.
108
00:07:09,700 --> 00:07:12,214
Go on. Let me.
109
00:07:12,300 --> 00:07:14,655
Go on.
110
00:07:14,740 --> 00:07:18,494
- Well, maybe.
- Yeah, you know you won't regret it.
111
00:07:21,860 --> 00:07:23,851
OK. I want another poem.
112
00:07:27,420 --> 00:07:29,058
You're not serious.
113
00:07:29,140 --> 00:07:32,655
I want to feel that you're as passionate
about me as I thought you were.
114
00:07:32,740 --> 00:07:35,174
I want you to show me your love.
115
00:07:35,260 --> 00:07:38,172
Why didn't you say so?
116
00:07:43,100 --> 00:07:47,730
With pen and paper. No cheating this
time. I want it to come from your heart.
117
00:07:47,820 --> 00:07:51,813
What does it matter
what body part it comes from?
118
00:07:51,900 --> 00:07:54,892
Until I see that poem,
we're not making love.
119
00:07:54,980 --> 00:07:57,210
Oh, fine. Fine.
120
00:07:57,300 --> 00:07:58,779
Huh.
121
00:07:59,860 --> 00:08:03,375
Can we still have sex?
122
00:08:03,460 --> 00:08:06,054
You can.
123
00:08:06,140 --> 00:08:09,132
But try to be quiet. I'm going to sleep.
124
00:08:11,940 --> 00:08:16,411
There once was a woman named Susan
125
00:08:16,500 --> 00:08:20,254
Who wouldn't have sex with me...
126
00:08:22,180 --> 00:08:24,330
Good morning, fellow plaque warrior.
127
00:08:25,900 --> 00:08:28,972
I love the smell of fluoride
in the morning.
128
00:08:29,060 --> 00:08:33,292
Well, well, well. If it isn't the stool pigeon.
129
00:08:33,380 --> 00:08:36,099
Looks as if someone's a Gloomy Gus.
130
00:08:36,180 --> 00:08:39,775
- Looks like someone's an idiot.
- Don't be so hard on yourself.
131
00:08:39,860 --> 00:08:43,250
Thanks to you, Roger,
I have to write Susan a real poem.
132
00:08:43,340 --> 00:08:47,219
That shouldn't be too hard. Just think
about all the things you love about her
133
00:08:47,300 --> 00:08:48,858
and then make them rhyme.
134
00:08:48,940 --> 00:08:51,090
- What have you got so far?
- Get out.
135
00:08:51,180 --> 00:08:53,091
OK. What rhymes with out?
136
00:08:53,180 --> 00:08:56,058
You're obviously good at poetry, Roger.
137
00:08:56,140 --> 00:08:58,574
Why don't you write it for me?
138
00:08:58,660 --> 00:09:02,812
Because nobody can express
what's in your heart like you.
139
00:09:02,900 --> 00:09:06,017
- Very deep. Here's the pen.
- You can do it.
140
00:09:06,100 --> 00:09:08,455
You just need a little inspiration.
141
00:09:08,540 --> 00:09:11,213
Like a song or a film.
What's your favourite film?
142
00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:13,336
Die Hard.
143
00:09:14,660 --> 00:09:17,015
What about Sense And Sensibility?
144
00:09:17,100 --> 00:09:18,818
Remember that scene
145
00:09:18,900 --> 00:09:23,132
when Colonel Brandon
carries Marianne home in the rain?
146
00:09:23,220 --> 00:09:24,175
(Sobs)
147
00:09:24,260 --> 00:09:26,979
Sorry. That bit always gets me.
148
00:09:28,260 --> 00:09:30,251
Thanks for all your help, Roger.
149
00:09:30,340 --> 00:09:32,774
Don't mention it.
150
00:09:32,860 --> 00:09:34,976
(Sobs)
151
00:09:39,020 --> 00:09:42,456
There once was a woman named Susan...
152
00:09:44,780 --> 00:09:48,375
Surrounded by terrorists
in a high-rise building.
153
00:09:53,220 --> 00:09:55,450
Hey.
154
00:09:55,540 --> 00:09:57,735
What's your name?
155
00:09:58,860 --> 00:10:00,657
Stefan.
156
00:10:00,740 --> 00:10:03,300
- Stefan, is that your water?
- Yeah.
157
00:10:06,380 --> 00:10:10,692
So Nick, any side effects
to that experiment you're doing?
158
00:10:10,780 --> 00:10:12,736
What experiment?
159
00:10:13,940 --> 00:10:17,694
The drugs you've been taking
for that pharmaceutical company.
160
00:10:18,740 --> 00:10:21,652
Oh, that. Great, man. Just got paid.
161
00:10:21,740 --> 00:10:24,174
Good. Could you pay me back
that L5 you owe me?
162
00:10:24,260 --> 00:10:26,091
Sure.
163
00:10:29,020 --> 00:10:32,217
- Hey, Nick. Nick.
- Hm?
164
00:10:32,300 --> 00:10:34,495
Could you pay me back
that L5 you owe me?
165
00:10:34,580 --> 00:10:35,808
Sure.
166
00:10:38,340 --> 00:10:40,570
- Evening, men.
- Who's that?
167
00:10:40,660 --> 00:10:42,776
Television repairman.
168
00:10:45,580 --> 00:10:48,777
- Where's your mother?
- Upstairs. She has a surprise for you.
169
00:10:48,860 --> 00:10:52,375
Ha! She's finally cracked.
170
00:10:52,460 --> 00:10:55,532
Uh... what about the telly?
171
00:10:57,100 --> 00:10:59,978
Ha! Couldn't take the strain, eh?
172
00:11:03,340 --> 00:11:05,171
Susan?
173
00:11:09,100 --> 00:11:11,455
I heard you had a surprise for me.
174
00:11:11,540 --> 00:11:13,735
That depends.
175
00:11:13,820 --> 00:11:16,414
Do you have a poem for me?
176
00:11:16,500 --> 00:11:19,537
I tried. I really did. I tried.
177
00:11:19,620 --> 00:11:21,451
The best I could come up with was,
178
00:11:21,540 --> 00:11:23,770
"There was once a woman
named Susan."
179
00:11:23,860 --> 00:11:26,772
Pity.
180
00:11:29,820 --> 00:11:31,731
Wow.
181
00:11:32,740 --> 00:11:35,538
Rumi wouldn't have said, "Wow".
182
00:11:35,620 --> 00:11:37,212
Susan.
183
00:11:37,300 --> 00:11:39,655
I'm not a poet. I'm a dentist.
184
00:11:41,180 --> 00:11:44,775
Perhaps I could express my love
by making a mould of your teeth.
185
00:11:49,300 --> 00:11:52,053
You gave me that
for our third anniversary.
186
00:11:55,220 --> 00:11:57,211
Oh, boy.
187
00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:59,939
Oh-oh.
188
00:12:00,020 --> 00:12:03,729
- Do you have to tempt me like this?
- Yes.
189
00:12:03,820 --> 00:12:09,656
Now excuse me. I have to practice
my Tantric clenching exercises.
190
00:12:12,140 --> 00:12:13,892
Oh, God.
191
00:12:13,980 --> 00:12:15,652
Oh, Ben.
192
00:12:15,740 --> 00:12:20,370
I'd like nothing better than to have you
rip this lingerie off me with your teeth.
193
00:12:20,460 --> 00:12:23,657
- And feel your hands caressing me.
- Oh, yeah.
194
00:12:23,740 --> 00:12:26,777
- As we melt into each other's arms...
- Oh, God, yeah.
195
00:12:26,860 --> 00:12:28,816
...in an uncontrollable fit of passion.
196
00:12:28,900 --> 00:12:30,731
- But I can't.
- Oh, OK.
197
00:12:33,020 --> 00:12:36,012
You know, blackmail
is not a pretty word.
198
00:12:36,100 --> 00:12:38,568
Neither is celibacy.
199
00:12:39,820 --> 00:12:43,176
Stop it. What makes you think
I can't hold out as long as you?
200
00:12:43,260 --> 00:12:45,216
Huh?
201
00:12:47,420 --> 00:12:51,936
OK? You want to play that game? Play
that game. I can do that as well, yeah?
202
00:12:52,020 --> 00:12:54,090
What about this, hey?
203
00:12:54,180 --> 00:12:56,410
Hey? Yeah.
204
00:12:56,500 --> 00:13:00,334
You think that's good? What about this?
205
00:13:00,420 --> 00:13:05,175
That's nothing, baby. They like this, OK?
They really like that, OK?
206
00:13:05,260 --> 00:13:07,820
Yes? And what about this?
207
00:13:07,900 --> 00:13:10,130
Oh, God.
208
00:13:10,220 --> 00:13:12,131
And how about this?
209
00:13:12,220 --> 00:13:15,212
- This is good?
- OK, baby. Yeah.
210
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,291
Does Dad know about you two?
211
00:13:27,380 --> 00:13:29,132
Good morning. Sleep well?
212
00:13:29,220 --> 00:13:30,892
- Fine.
- Fabulous.
213
00:13:30,980 --> 00:13:33,813
- Sleep of the just.
- Ha! You were restless all night.
214
00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:36,733
Ha! Why, were you awake all night
watching me?
215
00:13:36,820 --> 00:13:39,129
I had to make sure you didn't touch me.
216
00:13:39,220 --> 00:13:42,530
Oh, yes, I forgot. You're a virgin.
217
00:13:42,620 --> 00:13:45,771
Keep it up, little man.
You may never have sex again.
218
00:13:45,860 --> 00:13:48,374
I wouldn't touch you with a ten-foot pole.
219
00:13:48,460 --> 00:13:51,532
Don't flatter yourself.
220
00:13:51,620 --> 00:13:53,736
How did you sleep, dear?
221
00:13:53,820 --> 00:13:55,936
I'm afraid to say.
222
00:13:56,940 --> 00:13:59,329
- Say cheese.
- What?
223
00:13:59,420 --> 00:14:02,537
- What are you doing? What's this?
- Just a precaution.
224
00:14:02,620 --> 00:14:04,975
I can't be too sure
who I can trust around here.
225
00:14:05,060 --> 00:14:07,369
What?
226
00:14:07,460 --> 00:14:10,099
"Must trim his nose hair."
227
00:14:10,180 --> 00:14:12,569
What's that on your arm?
228
00:14:12,660 --> 00:14:15,936
I'm writing important reminders
to myself on my body.
229
00:14:16,020 --> 00:14:18,534
- I saw it in a movie once.
- Memento?
230
00:14:18,620 --> 00:14:20,929
I think it was called The Sound Of Music.
231
00:14:21,020 --> 00:14:24,137
"Don't forget important message
on chest."
232
00:14:27,020 --> 00:14:31,616
- "Tape Brookside."
- Thanks for reminding me.
233
00:14:31,700 --> 00:14:34,578
Have you got a pen?
I want to remind Nick he's an idiot.
234
00:14:34,660 --> 00:14:38,335
So you can write on your own son
but you can't write me a poem.
235
00:14:38,420 --> 00:14:41,890
Hey, Nick, could you pay me back
that 15 quid you owe me?
236
00:14:41,980 --> 00:14:44,016
Hang on.
237
00:14:48,260 --> 00:14:51,297
"Do not trust this man." No.
238
00:14:52,780 --> 00:14:54,577
Stop toying with your brother.
239
00:14:54,660 --> 00:14:58,130
They won't always be here
to protect you.
240
00:14:58,220 --> 00:15:01,212
- Nick, dear, do you want some toast?
- Hang on.
241
00:15:03,220 --> 00:15:05,495
"Do not eat anything this woman cooks."
242
00:15:07,860 --> 00:15:09,930
No, thanks.
243
00:15:10,020 --> 00:15:13,092
- I'd like some toast.
- And I'd like a poem.
244
00:15:13,180 --> 00:15:15,375
So the boycott extends to breakfast?
245
00:15:15,460 --> 00:15:17,769
- What boycott?
- (Both) Nothing.
246
00:15:17,860 --> 00:15:21,057
I'm never going to ask you two anything
ever again.
247
00:15:21,140 --> 00:15:25,611
Sorry, dear. Ben's a little tense
and he's taking it out on everyone else.
248
00:15:25,700 --> 00:15:28,168
- Me? For God's sake!
- See?
249
00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:30,899
I'm not tense.
250
00:15:30,980 --> 00:15:33,574
She's the one that's tense.
251
00:15:33,660 --> 00:15:37,573
- Is that about that poem?
- No, it's about my insane wife.
252
00:15:39,020 --> 00:15:42,057
My poetry class is tonight.
Maybe you should come.
253
00:15:42,140 --> 00:15:45,928
Poetry? I'm not that desperate,
I can tell you.
254
00:15:49,780 --> 00:15:52,897
Then could you stop
feeling up the grapefruit?
255
00:15:53,980 --> 00:15:56,335
Love is a flower
256
00:15:56,420 --> 00:15:58,809
Springing from the ground
257
00:15:58,900 --> 00:16:02,415
- Ha!
- Ben! You're embarrassing me.
258
00:16:02,500 --> 00:16:04,934
Why? I didn't write the poem.
259
00:16:05,020 --> 00:16:10,333
Reaching the sky in a climactic orgasm
of colours
260
00:16:10,420 --> 00:16:13,537
If you can't say anything nice,
don't count your chickens.
261
00:16:13,620 --> 00:16:16,771
Such is the power of love
262
00:16:16,860 --> 00:16:19,454
And a flower
263
00:16:23,860 --> 00:16:26,328
OK. Well done, Heather.
264
00:16:26,420 --> 00:16:29,571
I enjoyed the metaphor
of the lover as gardener.
265
00:16:29,660 --> 00:16:31,935
With a pocketful of manure.
266
00:16:32,020 --> 00:16:33,692
(Gasping laugh)
267
00:16:33,780 --> 00:16:36,852
Sorry, sorry. The lithium just kicked in.
268
00:16:38,700 --> 00:16:41,339
OK. Who's next?
269
00:16:42,580 --> 00:16:44,650
How about Giles?
270
00:16:49,020 --> 00:16:52,979
My poem is called She.
271
00:16:55,220 --> 00:16:58,895
Who is it that holds the stars
in her eyes?
272
00:17:00,900 --> 00:17:03,130
She
273
00:17:03,220 --> 00:17:07,498
Who is it that stops the hands of time
with her smile?
274
00:17:09,420 --> 00:17:11,058
She
275
00:17:11,140 --> 00:17:17,739
Who is it that warms my soul
like a cup of camomile tea?
276
00:17:17,820 --> 00:17:20,459
She?
277
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:23,338
He said feel free to express yourself.
278
00:17:23,420 --> 00:17:27,174
Not during other people's poems,
thank you.
279
00:17:27,260 --> 00:17:29,774
Please continue, Giles.
280
00:17:31,820 --> 00:17:33,776
- She
- I was right!
281
00:17:33,860 --> 00:17:35,293
(Gasping laugh)
282
00:17:36,780 --> 00:17:39,169
Any other comments on Giles' poem?
283
00:17:39,260 --> 00:17:41,012
- Um...
- OK.
284
00:17:41,100 --> 00:17:44,456
But this time, tell us
what you liked about the poem.
285
00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:48,408
Well, it wasn't as stupid as her poem.
286
00:17:48,500 --> 00:17:51,219
- (Sobs)
- I'm sorry.
287
00:17:51,300 --> 00:17:56,693
I'm sorry. For God's sake, I didn't want
to ruin your romantic illusions of love
288
00:17:56,780 --> 00:17:58,850
but somebody has to.
289
00:17:58,940 --> 00:18:01,408
Sunny skies and delicate flowers?
290
00:18:01,500 --> 00:18:03,730
They've got nothing to do with real love.
291
00:18:03,820 --> 00:18:07,608
Huh! I mean, flowers don't take
the covers from you at night,
292
00:18:07,700 --> 00:18:12,057
tell you how to drive or send you out
for tampons at two in the morning.
293
00:18:12,140 --> 00:18:14,779
Love isn't a flower. It's a Venus flytrap.
294
00:18:14,860 --> 00:18:18,978
Lures you in with promises of forbidden
fruit then crushes you like an insect.
295
00:18:19,060 --> 00:18:22,735
You have a rather nihilistic view of love.
296
00:18:22,820 --> 00:18:25,254
That's because I'm married.
297
00:18:25,340 --> 00:18:27,649
(Gasping laugh)
298
00:18:30,580 --> 00:18:32,093
Who is she?
299
00:18:32,180 --> 00:18:34,250
We call her the crazy lady at the back.
300
00:18:34,340 --> 00:18:36,900
So, moving swiftly along.
301
00:18:36,980 --> 00:18:39,938
Anyone else have a poem for tonight?
302
00:18:40,020 --> 00:18:41,294
Excellent.
303
00:18:48,140 --> 00:18:53,737
My poem is entitled... True Love.
304
00:18:58,420 --> 00:19:01,298
(Screams)
305
00:19:09,380 --> 00:19:11,735
I like that one.
306
00:19:14,780 --> 00:19:17,499
Come on, Michael. Just a little further.
307
00:19:20,140 --> 00:19:24,053
- I can't go on.
- Oh, butch up, Michael.
308
00:19:25,980 --> 00:19:27,811
- Here?
- Perfect.
309
00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:30,414
- Oh, good.
- This is great.
310
00:19:30,500 --> 00:19:36,814
I can just sit here and ride all day
and all night.
311
00:19:36,900 --> 00:19:39,619
Well, if I die, let it be on your head.
312
00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:42,168
You won't die. At best you'll get a hernia.
313
00:19:42,260 --> 00:19:44,455
Gee, thanks.
314
00:19:44,540 --> 00:19:47,418
Michael, I know I've been
a little tense lately
315
00:19:47,500 --> 00:19:49,536
and maybe a bit short with you.
316
00:19:49,620 --> 00:19:56,537
I'm sorry. It's just, Mummy's going
through a very... stressful time right now.
317
00:19:58,020 --> 00:19:59,817
At work.
318
00:19:59,900 --> 00:20:03,609
Oh. I thought it was because
Mummy and Daddy weren't getting any.
319
00:20:13,340 --> 00:20:17,492
Who is it that warms my soul
like a cup of camomile tea?
320
00:20:18,780 --> 00:20:20,975
Sh... Susan.
321
00:20:24,300 --> 00:20:26,291
"Dearest Susan,
322
00:20:26,380 --> 00:20:28,689
"Please, please, please!"
323
00:20:28,780 --> 00:20:32,568
Mr Harper, there's someone here
for a cleaning.
324
00:20:32,660 --> 00:20:35,652
She doesn't have an appointment
and she's weird.
325
00:20:35,740 --> 00:20:40,131
I know you're a new girl, but whenever
I'm reading, eating, or indeed breathing,
326
00:20:40,220 --> 00:20:42,051
I do not want to be disturbed.
327
00:20:42,140 --> 00:20:45,655
- She's adamant she wants to see you.
- Talk to the hand.
328
00:20:45,740 --> 00:20:47,856
Mr Harper's hand will see you now.
329
00:20:50,100 --> 00:20:52,933
You probably don't remember me.
330
00:20:53,020 --> 00:20:56,695
Oh. Hello. The screamer.
331
00:20:56,780 --> 00:21:00,853
I hope you don't mind
but I was in the area
332
00:21:00,940 --> 00:21:03,932
and I forgot to floss this morning
333
00:21:04,020 --> 00:21:08,730
so I thought,
"Why not get my teeth cleaned?"
334
00:21:08,820 --> 00:21:11,254
OK. Well, I'm sure I can fit you in.
335
00:21:11,340 --> 00:21:15,219
I was just passing by.
It's a coincidence really.
336
00:21:15,300 --> 00:21:18,895
It's not like I looked you up
and waited outside for hours,
337
00:21:18,980 --> 00:21:21,096
watching your every move.
338
00:21:21,180 --> 00:21:24,331
Because that would
just be plain psychotic.
339
00:21:25,540 --> 00:21:28,373
Well, let's have a look at you, shall we?
340
00:21:30,140 --> 00:21:31,778
I meant your teeth.
341
00:21:36,460 --> 00:21:40,373
OK. Perhaps you'd be more comfortable
in the chair. Hm?
342
00:21:40,460 --> 00:21:43,293
I must say...
343
00:21:43,380 --> 00:21:49,376
I never thought I'd find someone
as dark and as desolate as I.
344
00:21:50,500 --> 00:21:52,968
I wouldn't say I'm that desolate.
345
00:21:53,060 --> 00:21:55,016
Please. I know.
346
00:21:55,100 --> 00:21:59,093
I've always been drawn to cynical pigs.
347
00:21:59,180 --> 00:22:02,968
- I like poppies.
- No, don't spoil it.
348
00:22:03,060 --> 00:22:07,338
You are a starless night sky, Ben Harper.
349
00:22:07,420 --> 00:22:10,856
Yeah, you know, you're not
the first person to have told me that.
350
00:22:10,940 --> 00:22:13,738
I'll just get the equipment.
I'll be right back.
351
00:22:13,820 --> 00:22:19,338
And I'll just get the, um...
number three scaler, I think.
352
00:22:20,980 --> 00:22:23,653
Ben, I'm off to the China Palace.
353
00:22:23,740 --> 00:22:25,810
Shall I get you some dumplings
354
00:22:25,900 --> 00:22:28,539
or maybe some
sweet and sour naked lady?
355
00:22:29,740 --> 00:22:31,378
Hello.
356
00:22:31,460 --> 00:22:36,614
Do you mind? I'm working. The sooner I
get started on her, the sooner I finish.
357
00:22:36,700 --> 00:22:40,136
Is there some new procedure
I don't know about?
358
00:22:41,100 --> 00:22:44,251
- Oh, my God!
- They'll need sterilising.
359
00:22:44,340 --> 00:22:46,774
Do you need any help?
Didn't think so. Bye!
360
00:22:46,860 --> 00:22:48,293
Roger!
361
00:22:48,380 --> 00:22:51,213
Now, where do you want me?
362
00:22:51,300 --> 00:22:55,532
On the floor... or in the chair?
363
00:22:55,620 --> 00:22:58,737
Ooh! Look, crazy lady at the back...
364
00:22:58,820 --> 00:23:02,176
- Vanessa!
- Vanessa!
365
00:23:02,260 --> 00:23:06,219
Ha, ha! I'm very flattered.
I'm also very married.
366
00:23:06,300 --> 00:23:08,336
And shortly I'll be very dead.
367
00:23:08,420 --> 00:23:11,537
I know. Won't we all? Isn't it exciting?
368
00:23:11,620 --> 00:23:14,214
Not the way Susan would do it, no.
369
00:23:14,300 --> 00:23:18,816
You've got the wrong man, OK?
I can't even keep one woman happy.
370
00:23:18,900 --> 00:23:20,697
Oh, who's looking for happiness?
371
00:23:20,780 --> 00:23:22,736
- Hop on, grumpy.
- What?
372
00:23:24,140 --> 00:23:26,938
Put your clothes on, you lunatic!
373
00:23:27,020 --> 00:23:31,252
Do you really mean that,
or are you saying it to turn me on?
374
00:23:31,340 --> 00:23:35,970
Look, I've got one rule. Never sleep
with crazy people outside of marriage.
375
00:23:36,060 --> 00:23:38,130
OK? Here.
376
00:23:38,220 --> 00:23:40,370
So you're playing hard to get.
377
00:23:40,460 --> 00:23:42,291
- So I'll call you.
- No.
378
00:23:42,380 --> 00:23:43,893
- Email you.
- No.
379
00:23:43,980 --> 00:23:45,618
- Fax?
- No.
380
00:23:45,700 --> 00:23:47,611
I'm getting mixed signals.
381
00:23:47,700 --> 00:23:50,339
- I'm that kind of guy.
- Fine.
382
00:23:50,420 --> 00:23:53,218
- Vanessa, wait.
- Yes?
383
00:23:53,300 --> 00:23:55,097
Free toothbrush with every visit.
384
00:23:58,740 --> 00:24:01,095
Gosh, that was some run.
385
00:24:01,180 --> 00:24:04,297
How long did you say it had been
since you last ran?
386
00:24:04,380 --> 00:24:06,735
Years. What about you?
387
00:24:06,820 --> 00:24:12,417
- Oh, I run every morning.
- Some kickboxing would loosen you up.
388
00:24:12,500 --> 00:24:15,890
Actually, I was hoping we could talk
about that special person.
389
00:24:15,980 --> 00:24:19,336
Fine. Have you told her
that you're interested?
390
00:24:19,420 --> 00:24:21,888
That's just it. I've tried calling her,
391
00:24:21,980 --> 00:24:25,336
but when she answers,
I can't seem to find the right words.
392
00:24:25,420 --> 00:24:27,092
Have you tried hello?
393
00:24:27,180 --> 00:24:29,694
Oh, Abi. Look who's here.
394
00:24:29,780 --> 00:24:32,169
- Oh, hi.
- Hello!
395
00:24:32,260 --> 00:24:36,572
You won't believe this. Some pervert
keeps calling me and hanging up.
396
00:24:36,660 --> 00:24:39,618
- Just do call-back.
- Brilliant!
397
00:24:39,700 --> 00:24:41,975
I'm gonna give that sicko
a piece of my mind.
398
00:24:42,060 --> 00:24:44,255
Well, must dash.
399
00:24:44,340 --> 00:24:46,774
(Mobile phone)
400
00:24:46,860 --> 00:24:49,852
- Aren't you going to answer it?
- No, no, no.
401
00:24:49,940 --> 00:24:52,329
- It's a wrong number.
- How can you tell?
402
00:24:52,420 --> 00:24:55,014
By the ring tone. Bye!
403
00:24:56,820 --> 00:24:58,412
(Phone)
404
00:24:58,500 --> 00:25:00,855
I'm not getting that. It could be him.
405
00:25:04,740 --> 00:25:05,775
Hello?
406
00:25:05,860 --> 00:25:09,569
Your husband is the sexiest man
I've ever met.
407
00:25:09,660 --> 00:25:11,616
I want him.
408
00:25:12,700 --> 00:25:16,010
I think you must have the wrong number.
409
00:25:19,740 --> 00:25:21,378
(Phone)
410
00:25:29,340 --> 00:25:31,092
Hello?
411
00:25:32,300 --> 00:25:34,939
Yes, this is Mr Harper.
412
00:25:35,020 --> 00:25:38,569
I want to strip off all your clothes
413
00:25:38,660 --> 00:25:42,778
and ravage you
until you're begging for mercy.
414
00:25:42,860 --> 00:25:45,499
Sounds good.
415
00:25:45,580 --> 00:25:48,572
Hang on. I'll just write that on my foot.
416
00:25:56,060 --> 00:25:58,210
Are you busy?
417
00:25:58,300 --> 00:26:01,451
That depends. What do you want?
418
00:26:02,780 --> 00:26:06,329
I thought
you might be interested to know that...
419
00:26:06,420 --> 00:26:09,810
I've written a poem for you.
420
00:26:09,900 --> 00:26:11,538
Thank God.
421
00:26:11,620 --> 00:26:16,171
I mean... Oh. Really?
422
00:26:16,260 --> 00:26:18,569
I could always come back later.
423
00:26:18,660 --> 00:26:21,458
- Get back here. Close the door.
- Coming. Sure.
424
00:26:24,220 --> 00:26:26,336
So you'd like to hear the poem?
425
00:26:26,420 --> 00:26:28,297
Yes, I can't wait.
426
00:26:28,380 --> 00:26:30,496
I mean, oh, yeah, whatever.
427
00:26:30,580 --> 00:26:34,016
Why don't you read it in bed?
428
00:26:34,100 --> 00:26:36,170
Yeah, OK.
429
00:26:38,060 --> 00:26:41,530
It's called Ode To My Lady.
430
00:26:41,620 --> 00:26:43,576
Read fast.
431
00:26:43,660 --> 00:26:46,379
- Ode To My Lady.
- Good. Let's get on with it.
432
00:26:46,460 --> 00:26:49,258
Susan, stop it! Please!
I haven't started yet.
433
00:26:49,340 --> 00:26:51,217
That's OK. Just tell me how it ends.
434
00:26:51,300 --> 00:26:55,418
I've put a lot of effort into this work.
The least you could do is listen.
435
00:26:56,860 --> 00:27:00,455
Fine, fine, read your little poem.
436
00:27:01,580 --> 00:27:05,095
- It's your poem. I wrote it for you.
- I said, read it.
437
00:27:05,180 --> 00:27:07,933
I wrote it for you.
438
00:27:08,020 --> 00:27:10,693
Stanza one.
439
00:27:10,780 --> 00:27:13,977
I know not what would have been
440
00:27:14,060 --> 00:27:16,449
Without the gentle touch of...
441
00:27:18,740 --> 00:27:22,050
Wow!
442
00:27:22,140 --> 00:27:24,495
That was amazing!
443
00:27:24,580 --> 00:27:27,140
Ooh, yes, you're telling me.
444
00:27:28,140 --> 00:27:30,370
What was?
445
00:27:30,460 --> 00:27:32,769
We just had sex.
446
00:27:32,860 --> 00:27:36,091
Really? Cool.
447
00:27:36,180 --> 00:27:41,208
I have to admit, I was a bit disappointed
when Ben didn't turn up.
448
00:27:42,220 --> 00:27:45,690
But when I saw those tattoos...
449
00:27:45,780 --> 00:27:48,658
You must be such a tortured soul.
450
00:27:48,740 --> 00:27:51,573
Yep. Well, see you later.
451
00:27:51,660 --> 00:27:54,299
But you only just got here!
452
00:27:54,380 --> 00:27:56,769
- Did I?
- Yes!
453
00:27:56,860 --> 00:28:00,489
I thought we were going to have sex.
454
00:28:02,180 --> 00:28:04,774
Wow. Deja vu.
455
00:28:08,020 --> 00:28:10,659
Stanza 34.
456
00:28:10,740 --> 00:28:14,619
The earth moves,
constantly spinning on its axis
457
00:28:14,700 --> 00:28:21,094
Day after day unnoticed
until you realise the presence of love
458
00:28:21,180 --> 00:28:24,889
When it rains, you are my rainbow
459
00:28:24,980 --> 00:28:29,337
When it snows, you are my shovel
460
00:28:31,060 --> 00:28:33,733
Stanza 35.
34530
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