All language subtitles for My Family - S03E09 - Auto Erotica

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:26,900 --> 00:00:29,368 Susan! 2 00:00:29,460 --> 00:00:32,054 What will Ben get you for your anniversary? 3 00:00:32,140 --> 00:00:36,736 Same two things as usual - an excuse and an apology. 4 00:00:36,820 --> 00:00:39,095 - Hi, Mum. - Hello, dear. 5 00:00:40,300 --> 00:00:42,097 Hello! 6 00:00:44,060 --> 00:00:47,655 - Happy anniversary in three days. - You said that yesterday. 7 00:00:47,740 --> 00:00:51,369 No. I said, "Happy anniversary in four days". I'm excited. 8 00:00:51,460 --> 00:00:53,451 Really? That makes one of us. 9 00:00:53,540 --> 00:00:57,897 - Morning, dear. - Morning, everyone... except you. 10 00:00:57,980 --> 00:00:59,936 And all I've ever done is love you. 11 00:01:00,020 --> 00:01:02,329 And use me for graffiti. 12 00:01:04,380 --> 00:01:06,689 Why did you write "Dorset" on my head? 13 00:01:06,780 --> 00:01:08,771 Because I want to go to Dorset 14 00:01:08,860 --> 00:01:13,331 and you told me never to mention it again, but now you've brought it up... 15 00:01:13,420 --> 00:01:17,174 I'd like to spend our anniversary on a romantic weekend in Dorset. 16 00:01:17,260 --> 00:01:20,696 I'd like a weekend as Michelle Pfeiffer's love toy, but... 17 00:01:21,740 --> 00:01:24,732 we all have to live with our disappointments. 18 00:01:25,860 --> 00:01:28,328 Your dad's not a morning person, is he? 19 00:01:28,420 --> 00:01:31,492 He's not much for days and nights either. 20 00:01:31,580 --> 00:01:33,332 Whereas I... 21 00:01:33,420 --> 00:01:36,730 - In your dreams! - Constantly. 22 00:01:38,860 --> 00:01:41,579 You won't have to do a thing. 23 00:01:41,660 --> 00:01:45,130 I will have to do something. I'll have to be there. 24 00:01:47,260 --> 00:01:51,492 - (Roars) - (Screams) 25 00:01:52,540 --> 00:01:53,973 Mercy! 26 00:01:58,780 --> 00:02:01,499 Gotcha! 27 00:02:01,580 --> 00:02:05,858 You big hairy blouse! You should have seen the look on your face. 28 00:02:05,940 --> 00:02:06,975 (Whimpers) 29 00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:10,018 What the bloody hell's going on? 30 00:02:10,100 --> 00:02:12,614 Nick's been waiting in the cupboard to get you. 31 00:02:13,540 --> 00:02:15,974 I was in there two hours. 32 00:02:17,020 --> 00:02:21,696 Really? It's not long enough. Get that thing away from me. 33 00:02:21,780 --> 00:02:26,251 Relax, Dad, it's not even on. If I flick this switch... Nnnggh! 34 00:02:26,340 --> 00:02:28,695 This baby can cut through anything. 35 00:02:29,780 --> 00:02:31,657 Go ahead, touch it. 36 00:02:31,740 --> 00:02:34,812 Get away from me. What are you doing with a chainsaw? 37 00:02:34,900 --> 00:02:38,176 - I'm going to cut up the car. - Stop... right there. 38 00:02:38,260 --> 00:02:40,933 Which is it? Get away or stop right there? 39 00:02:41,020 --> 00:02:44,410 - You can't cut up our car. - Not your car, my car. 40 00:02:44,500 --> 00:02:47,492 - I won it at poker. - You're terrible at poker. 41 00:02:47,580 --> 00:02:51,459 You should see the car. I'm selling it for scrap. 42 00:02:51,540 --> 00:02:54,259 You're not turning my garage into a junkyard. 43 00:02:54,340 --> 00:02:58,299 Wouldn't want to mess up your collection of broken lawnmower parts. 44 00:02:58,380 --> 00:03:03,249 Well, time is a-wasting. Can't wait to rip through that convertible top. 45 00:03:04,380 --> 00:03:06,416 It's a convertible? 46 00:03:07,660 --> 00:03:09,093 Oh God! 47 00:03:11,100 --> 00:03:13,489 Car, parents. Parents, car. 48 00:03:15,100 --> 00:03:18,058 (# Dreamy pop) 49 00:03:21,020 --> 00:03:24,376 Oh... I don't believe it. 50 00:03:25,980 --> 00:03:29,416 A '72 MG Roadster. 51 00:03:29,500 --> 00:03:31,536 Oh, my God. 52 00:03:33,820 --> 00:03:37,096 - Is he crying? - No, but I am. 53 00:03:38,180 --> 00:03:41,809 I used to have a car like this when I was your age, Nick. 54 00:03:41,900 --> 00:03:44,653 Oh, God... Mine was green too. 55 00:03:44,740 --> 00:03:49,052 I used to love that car. Do you remember what I used to call her? 56 00:03:49,140 --> 00:03:51,290 - Jasmine. - Yeah. 57 00:03:51,380 --> 00:03:54,690 Jasmine! Oh, Jasmine... 58 00:03:54,780 --> 00:03:59,012 Oh... I had to give her up when your mother was pregnant with you. 59 00:03:59,100 --> 00:04:03,696 We needed a car that had more room and was more reliable. 60 00:04:03,780 --> 00:04:05,850 You were too fat to fit in it. 61 00:04:07,420 --> 00:04:10,935 I was seven months' pregnant with your seed. 62 00:04:12,460 --> 00:04:15,293 So you gave up your beloved car for me 63 00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:17,336 and now I own one. 64 00:04:17,420 --> 00:04:19,376 That's irony for you. 65 00:04:20,420 --> 00:04:23,059 - Well, better get started... - No! 66 00:04:23,140 --> 00:04:26,496 You're not seriously selling this car for scrap? 67 00:04:26,580 --> 00:04:30,619 I mean... it's like having a baby... 68 00:04:30,700 --> 00:04:33,931 only to sell its organs. 69 00:04:34,020 --> 00:04:36,136 - Good idea, Dad. - No. Nick! 70 00:04:36,220 --> 00:04:39,212 You're always asking me for money to buy a car. 71 00:04:39,300 --> 00:04:42,053 Now you've got one. So why cut it up? 72 00:04:42,140 --> 00:04:44,973 - Because it's junk. - It's not junk! 73 00:04:45,060 --> 00:04:48,769 Nick, come on. I'll fix it up for you. I used to work on Jasmine. 74 00:04:48,860 --> 00:04:51,772 You once even got it out of the drive. 75 00:04:51,860 --> 00:04:57,378 Come on, Nick. What do you say? I'll work on it. You'll love this car. 76 00:04:57,460 --> 00:04:59,894 - Come on, Nick. - Nnnggh! 77 00:05:02,420 --> 00:05:04,650 - Oh, all right. - Oh! 78 00:05:04,740 --> 00:05:08,528 - On one condition... - Oh, God. What? 79 00:05:08,620 --> 00:05:10,895 You have to be nice to me. 80 00:05:14,020 --> 00:05:16,011 Oh, I... 81 00:05:17,060 --> 00:05:18,539 I... um... 82 00:05:20,340 --> 00:05:22,535 Deal. 83 00:05:23,580 --> 00:05:25,536 How about a hug? 84 00:05:28,820 --> 00:05:31,698 - (Giggles) - Go and cackle somewhere else. 85 00:05:31,780 --> 00:05:34,931 I can't believe you've been married for 26 years. 86 00:05:35,020 --> 00:05:38,137 Well, we haven't made it yet. 87 00:05:38,220 --> 00:05:41,371 In my family, a good relationship lasts 26 minutes 88 00:05:41,460 --> 00:05:43,690 and that includes the cigarette. 89 00:05:43,780 --> 00:05:46,578 - (Horn blares) - At least we know the horn works. 90 00:05:46,660 --> 00:05:50,335 I've never seen Ben smile so much. It's really creepy. 91 00:05:50,420 --> 00:05:52,809 You haven't seen him naked. 92 00:05:53,860 --> 00:05:58,570 I've got no role model for relationship stuff. How do you make it work? 93 00:05:58,660 --> 00:06:01,732 - First you need a boyfriend. - Oh, right. 94 00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:05,893 Do you break his spirit right away or wear him down over time? 95 00:06:05,980 --> 00:06:08,778 Well, everyone's different, dear. 96 00:06:08,860 --> 00:06:12,057 The key to marriage is to respect those differences... 97 00:06:12,140 --> 00:06:13,493 (Horn) 98 00:06:13,580 --> 00:06:16,014 ...to encourage your partner's interests... 99 00:06:16,100 --> 00:06:18,409 (Horn) 100 00:06:18,500 --> 00:06:21,014 ...to take joy in the things that bring him joy. 101 00:06:21,100 --> 00:06:23,739 - (Horn) - Excuse me, dear. 102 00:06:25,740 --> 00:06:28,254 Stop that bloody noise! 103 00:06:30,900 --> 00:06:34,097 - Where were we? - Somewhere deep in denial. 104 00:06:36,620 --> 00:06:38,736 - What's for dinner? - Why? 105 00:06:38,820 --> 00:06:41,015 I like to get mentally prepared. 106 00:06:41,100 --> 00:06:45,776 I do ten minutes of transcendental meditation, depending on the dish. 107 00:06:45,860 --> 00:06:49,011 - What's for dinner, Mum? - Liver cakes. 108 00:06:50,300 --> 00:06:53,212 - Om... - Take your clothes with you. 109 00:06:54,260 --> 00:06:56,091 Om... 110 00:06:56,980 --> 00:06:59,096 Om... 111 00:07:00,180 --> 00:07:04,093 Om... 112 00:07:04,180 --> 00:07:07,616 Oh... my God. 113 00:07:10,620 --> 00:07:12,611 OK, now. Open wide. 114 00:07:15,020 --> 00:07:19,696 Good. That's very good. It's time for your checkup. 115 00:07:21,340 --> 00:07:26,095 When was the last time we had a clean, eh? Tut, tut. 116 00:07:26,180 --> 00:07:28,614 Let's see. (Laughs) 117 00:07:29,460 --> 00:07:31,416 Yeah. Oh, yeah. 118 00:07:31,500 --> 00:07:35,379 - Who said you could touch that? - What? You did. 119 00:07:35,460 --> 00:07:39,214 Ah, but that was before I dreamt up the Car Jar. 120 00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:41,773 Car Jar? 121 00:07:41,860 --> 00:07:46,854 Every time you touch or look at my car, you have to pay a small user fee. 122 00:07:48,340 --> 00:07:52,049 - Let's say a pound a minute. - Let's say I pound your arse. 123 00:07:52,140 --> 00:07:54,096 All right, all right. 124 00:07:55,620 --> 00:07:58,259 Now go away. Go away. 125 00:07:59,220 --> 00:08:01,176 So what do you think of Leroy? 126 00:08:03,540 --> 00:08:05,496 - Who? - Leroy. 127 00:08:05,580 --> 00:08:07,536 No, no, no. 128 00:08:08,740 --> 00:08:11,300 This car isn't a Leroy. 129 00:08:11,380 --> 00:08:15,976 Oh, no. Look at the graceful lines. This car is a woman. 130 00:08:17,020 --> 00:08:19,329 The coquettish tilt of the wheel arches, 131 00:08:19,420 --> 00:08:22,378 the dimpled smile of the radiator grille... 132 00:08:22,460 --> 00:08:24,974 - Great set of headlights. - Please... 133 00:08:26,020 --> 00:08:30,093 - Don't talk about Jasmine like that. - Jasmine? 134 00:08:30,180 --> 00:08:33,217 I think the car is called Leroy. 135 00:08:33,300 --> 00:08:37,134 Unless you wanna... pay for the naming rights? 136 00:08:37,220 --> 00:08:39,450 Why would I pay for naming rights? 137 00:08:39,540 --> 00:08:41,417 Because it's called Leroy. 138 00:08:41,500 --> 00:08:45,049 It doesn't matter. I can just say, "Jasmine" in my head. 139 00:08:45,140 --> 00:08:47,096 Jasmine. 140 00:08:49,780 --> 00:08:51,736 All right, Leroy? 141 00:08:53,460 --> 00:08:55,735 How's it hanging, Leroy? 142 00:08:58,980 --> 00:09:02,973 - Leroy, my man! - OK, OK. Here's your blood money. Go. 143 00:09:04,900 --> 00:09:09,291 (High voice) Hello, Jasmine. How's it hanging, Jasmine? 144 00:09:10,340 --> 00:09:11,819 Jasmine, my man! 145 00:09:13,900 --> 00:09:16,130 So what are you doing? 146 00:09:16,220 --> 00:09:18,973 Do you want to know or are you being annoying? 147 00:09:19,060 --> 00:09:20,778 Either will do for me. 148 00:09:20,860 --> 00:09:23,499 I can't get it started. 149 00:09:23,580 --> 00:09:26,731 How the hell did you get it in here? 150 00:09:26,820 --> 00:09:28,776 All you need is the knack... 151 00:09:28,860 --> 00:09:31,533 and six Boy Scouts and a bottle of cider. 152 00:09:31,620 --> 00:09:34,293 - OK. Let's give it a shot. - Ah-ah. 153 00:09:34,380 --> 00:09:38,293 - What? - Sitting charge. 154 00:09:38,380 --> 00:09:41,292 Just deduct it from your rent, OK? 155 00:09:41,380 --> 00:09:44,656 Now come on, Jasmine baby, come on. 156 00:09:44,740 --> 00:09:46,492 Oh, yeah. 157 00:09:48,180 --> 00:09:50,569 Turn over for Daddy. 158 00:09:50,660 --> 00:09:53,094 I think I'll leave you two alone. 159 00:09:54,140 --> 00:09:58,292 OK, Jasmine. Don't be afraid, darling, don't be afraid. 160 00:09:58,380 --> 00:10:01,099 I know, I know. It's just you and me. 161 00:10:01,180 --> 00:10:04,934 - (Engine starts) - Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. 162 00:10:05,020 --> 00:10:09,536 Oh, yeah, yeah! Ooh, that's my baby! Oh, yeah! 163 00:10:09,620 --> 00:10:11,576 (Engine dies) 164 00:10:15,340 --> 00:10:18,776 I'm so sorry. That's never happened to me before. 165 00:10:26,620 --> 00:10:29,088 Where have you been? 166 00:10:29,180 --> 00:10:32,809 - Nowhere. - You've been in that garage all night. 167 00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:35,937 - No... - Don't lie. There's oil on your collar. 168 00:10:38,740 --> 00:10:41,208 OK, OK. 169 00:10:41,300 --> 00:10:43,814 I was fiddling under the bonnet... 170 00:10:44,980 --> 00:10:47,778 and one thing led to another... 171 00:10:49,140 --> 00:10:51,654 I hope you and Jasmine are very happy. 172 00:10:51,740 --> 00:10:54,174 Come on. You're not jealous of a car? 173 00:10:54,260 --> 00:10:59,015 Can Jasmine raise a family? Cook gourmet meals? Show you ecstasy? 174 00:10:59,100 --> 00:11:01,614 Yup. In 6.5 seconds. 175 00:11:03,900 --> 00:11:06,175 Sounds like your speed. 176 00:11:06,260 --> 00:11:09,491 I'm just trying to get her up and running, OK? 177 00:11:09,580 --> 00:11:12,253 You could have invented warp drive in the time. 178 00:11:12,340 --> 00:11:14,456 - It'll be like the good old days. - Yes. 179 00:11:14,540 --> 00:11:19,739 When you spent all our money on car parts and ignored me like I was dead. 180 00:11:19,820 --> 00:11:22,732 No, not those good old days. 181 00:11:22,820 --> 00:11:27,894 Buzzing around with the top down and the wind whipping through my hair. 182 00:11:27,980 --> 00:11:30,369 So much less of it to whip now. 183 00:11:30,460 --> 00:11:33,896 You won't say that when we're cruising down to Dorset. 184 00:11:33,980 --> 00:11:39,338 You mean this year I won't have to use the thumbscrews to convince you? 185 00:11:39,420 --> 00:11:41,980 I was so looking forward to it. 186 00:11:42,060 --> 00:11:46,099 Why do you think I was trying so hard to get the car ready? 187 00:11:46,180 --> 00:11:49,138 - I thought you were being an arse. - No. 188 00:11:50,180 --> 00:11:54,059 Just me and you together. No kids, no work... 189 00:11:55,500 --> 00:11:58,253 Just you and me and the open road. 190 00:11:58,340 --> 00:12:01,252 Oh, Ben. It's going to be so romantic. 191 00:12:01,340 --> 00:12:07,495 Strolling on the beach, candlelit dinners... dancing till dawn. 192 00:12:07,580 --> 00:12:09,855 - Driving. - Forget the car! 193 00:12:10,900 --> 00:12:12,856 What car? Sorry. 194 00:12:15,180 --> 00:12:19,298 - Oh, Susan. - Your hands are so soft and supple. 195 00:12:28,900 --> 00:12:31,460 Are you wearing driving gloves? 196 00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:35,770 Yeah. 197 00:12:35,860 --> 00:12:37,816 For God's sake, Ben! 198 00:12:37,900 --> 00:12:42,257 This is our bed, not the M40! Take those ridiculous things off! 199 00:12:42,340 --> 00:12:45,935 I'm sorry. I was just wearing them in for the trip. 200 00:12:46,980 --> 00:12:49,335 How's that? That better? 201 00:12:49,420 --> 00:12:51,172 Much. 202 00:12:53,900 --> 00:12:55,891 Brrumm! Brrumm! 203 00:12:55,980 --> 00:12:59,450 - Forget it! You can't park there! - OK, fine. 204 00:13:01,460 --> 00:13:03,769 Reversing. 205 00:13:16,100 --> 00:13:17,852 God. 206 00:13:54,420 --> 00:13:57,537 - That bear's a boy. - It's not what it looks like. 207 00:13:57,620 --> 00:14:01,295 Good, cos it looks like you're feeling up Mr Fuzzbudget. 208 00:14:02,340 --> 00:14:07,778 I was simply returning a pair of your... undergarments. It was in my laundry. 209 00:14:07,860 --> 00:14:11,216 You don't see me going through your undergarments. 210 00:14:11,300 --> 00:14:15,179 If you want to go through my pants, you have my permission. 211 00:14:15,260 --> 00:14:18,616 Aren't you the little pervert? Right, Mr Fuzzbudget? 212 00:14:19,740 --> 00:14:24,052 I don't know what came over me. I returned them to your drawer... 213 00:14:24,140 --> 00:14:26,495 I don't remember anything after that. 214 00:14:26,580 --> 00:14:31,654 Well, If you're blacking out, maybe Susan should know about it. 215 00:14:31,740 --> 00:14:34,095 No. Please don't tell my mum. 216 00:14:34,180 --> 00:14:38,890 Don't worry. Having this to hold over you is much more interesting. 217 00:14:38,980 --> 00:14:41,335 Clean my room. 218 00:14:41,420 --> 00:14:44,253 Oh, and for future reference... 219 00:14:44,340 --> 00:14:47,173 you just squeeze and release. 220 00:14:49,900 --> 00:14:52,494 (# The Seekers: Georgy Girl) 221 00:14:55,660 --> 00:14:58,538 ♪ Hey there, Georgy Girl 222 00:14:58,620 --> 00:15:01,339 ♪ Swinging down the street so fancy free 223 00:15:01,420 --> 00:15:06,016 ♪ Nobody you meet could ever see the loneliness... ♪ 224 00:15:08,100 --> 00:15:10,898 Hop in, Ginger. 225 00:15:10,980 --> 00:15:14,529 I'm not sure. My mother said I shouldn't trust strangers. 226 00:15:14,620 --> 00:15:18,169 Can I trust you to remain a perfect gentleman? 227 00:15:18,260 --> 00:15:19,932 Oh, absolutely. 228 00:15:20,020 --> 00:15:23,933 - Then I'll wait for the next car. - Kissing and heavy petting? 229 00:15:24,020 --> 00:15:25,976 You're on. 230 00:15:30,540 --> 00:15:34,215 - Have you packed for Dorset yet? - Yup, yup. 231 00:15:36,140 --> 00:15:38,700 Why haven't you packed for Dorset yet? 232 00:15:38,780 --> 00:15:43,137 I've been thinking about our anniversary and... 233 00:15:43,220 --> 00:15:46,178 Every day married to you is so special... 234 00:15:47,420 --> 00:15:51,379 so why limit ourselves to celebrating on one particular day? 235 00:15:51,460 --> 00:15:54,930 Like why celebrate Christmas on one particular day? 236 00:15:55,020 --> 00:15:59,810 Right. We celebrate it in December, the Russians celebrate it in January. 237 00:15:59,900 --> 00:16:04,132 - Who knows when Christmas really is? - This isn't about Christmas. 238 00:16:04,220 --> 00:16:06,370 Yeah, yeah. I know. 239 00:16:06,460 --> 00:16:10,578 Every year I want to do something special for our anniversary, 240 00:16:10,660 --> 00:16:12,651 and you find some pathetic excuse. 241 00:16:12,740 --> 00:16:17,131 That's outrageous. My excuses are not pathetic. Some are very convincing. 242 00:16:18,420 --> 00:16:21,492 Oh, yeah. The sinus headache of '87. 243 00:16:22,700 --> 00:16:25,737 Or our old friend, "I have to wait in for the gas man." 244 00:16:25,820 --> 00:16:30,530 Or my personal favourite, "My eyes are itchy. I think I'm going blind." 245 00:16:30,620 --> 00:16:33,339 There was a very high pollen count that year. 246 00:16:33,420 --> 00:16:36,298 An anniversary is a milestone. Why not celebrate it? 247 00:16:36,380 --> 00:16:41,295 I see it more as a signpost saying, "Another mile closer to the grave." 248 00:16:41,380 --> 00:16:45,214 Oh, so that's it this year? A midlife crisis! 249 00:16:45,300 --> 00:16:48,770 Why can't you just bonk your assistants like other dentists? 250 00:16:48,860 --> 00:16:51,294 None of them stay long enough. 251 00:16:53,860 --> 00:16:56,897 I can see humour's not going to work here. 252 00:16:56,980 --> 00:16:59,540 I'm leaving for Dorset tomorrow. 253 00:16:59,620 --> 00:17:04,899 - This could be your last anniversary. - Are you threatening me with divorce? 254 00:17:04,980 --> 00:17:08,177 I didn't say "our" last anniversary, I said yours! 255 00:17:08,260 --> 00:17:13,254 Don't slam that door. Please, Susan. I've just put new trim on it. OK? 256 00:17:13,340 --> 00:17:15,570 Susan... 257 00:17:16,620 --> 00:17:19,532 OK, Jasmine. We're going to leave now. 258 00:17:21,380 --> 00:17:24,816 That was totally unnecessary. 259 00:17:31,620 --> 00:17:33,576 (Sighs) 260 00:17:46,380 --> 00:17:51,454 Oh, happy anniversary to you too, sweetheart. 261 00:17:53,940 --> 00:17:56,249 Ah-ha, Mikey! 262 00:17:56,340 --> 00:17:58,695 Mikey, Mikey, Mikey. 263 00:17:59,740 --> 00:18:02,937 - Staying out of trouble? - I didn't do anything. 264 00:18:03,020 --> 00:18:05,659 - I didn't say you did. - I resent the implication. 265 00:18:05,740 --> 00:18:10,814 - OK. Don't get your knickers in a twist. - What's that supposed to mean? 266 00:18:10,900 --> 00:18:13,812 Someone say knickers? Hello, Papa. 267 00:18:13,900 --> 00:18:18,098 Oh, boy. It's going to be a long day. Sit down. I want to talk to you. 268 00:18:18,180 --> 00:18:22,253 It's your mother and father's wedding anniversary. 269 00:18:22,340 --> 00:18:26,538 - What do you say to that? - Don't stay together just for the kids. 270 00:18:26,620 --> 00:18:28,451 Cute. 271 00:18:28,540 --> 00:18:32,499 - So you bought us a present? - I wasn't invited to the wedding. 272 00:18:33,620 --> 00:18:35,895 - You cheeky little... - Ow. 273 00:18:35,980 --> 00:18:40,178 Michael, listen here... Your mother's not talking to me 274 00:18:40,260 --> 00:18:44,048 because I haven't got the bloody car ready to go to Dorset. 275 00:18:44,140 --> 00:18:47,052 - Sounds like a fun trip. - Yeah. Anyway... 276 00:18:47,140 --> 00:18:51,258 It's ten o'clock now, so if we work hard enough, I can get the car fixed 277 00:18:51,340 --> 00:18:53,251 and drive to Dorset. 278 00:18:53,340 --> 00:18:56,218 And still have 20 minutes of your anniversary left. 279 00:18:56,300 --> 00:19:01,579 - You're wasting precious time, Dad. - Come on. It'll mean a lot to me. 280 00:19:01,660 --> 00:19:05,050 - How much? - Er... ten quid? 281 00:19:05,140 --> 00:19:08,849 - Done. I'll write you a receipt. - Good. 282 00:19:09,900 --> 00:19:13,370 - Aren't we forgetting something? - Yeah. Car keys. 283 00:19:13,460 --> 00:19:16,179 You mean "May I borrow the car keys?" 284 00:19:16,260 --> 00:19:18,649 All right, Nick. Drop this now. 285 00:19:18,740 --> 00:19:21,971 "May I borrow the car keys, Nick, dear?" 286 00:19:22,060 --> 00:19:23,812 - No way. - Wrong answer. 287 00:19:23,900 --> 00:19:25,652 All right. Wait. 288 00:19:25,740 --> 00:19:31,019 - Um... May I, um? - Borrow the... 289 00:19:31,100 --> 00:19:34,729 - Borrow the car keys? - Nick, dear. 290 00:19:36,260 --> 00:19:38,137 N... dear. 291 00:19:39,500 --> 00:19:41,456 That wasn't too hard, was it? 292 00:19:41,540 --> 00:19:43,292 - Hm? - Come on. 293 00:19:43,380 --> 00:19:45,416 Oh, I nearly forgot. 294 00:19:47,380 --> 00:19:50,452 OK, OK. Someone pass me the spanner. 295 00:19:57,420 --> 00:20:02,016 - I'm knackered. Can we take a break? - We haven't started work yet. 296 00:20:02,100 --> 00:20:04,455 I'm not cut out for manual labour. 297 00:20:04,540 --> 00:20:08,010 Come on, guys. This'll be fun. 298 00:20:08,100 --> 00:20:11,490 Hey, we're like a team. Team Harper. 299 00:20:13,380 --> 00:20:16,417 I know. I'm not that happy about it either. 300 00:20:16,500 --> 00:20:20,778 - Have you checked the petrol? - Have I checked the petrol? 301 00:20:20,860 --> 00:20:24,819 Michael, I do know one or two things about this car. 302 00:20:26,020 --> 00:20:29,012 First thing we've got to do is drain the oil. 303 00:20:29,100 --> 00:20:32,615 - Where is that sump? - We should consult the manual. 304 00:20:32,700 --> 00:20:37,296 I know the manual by heart. It's like a poem you never forget. 305 00:20:37,380 --> 00:20:39,416 Please let us use the manual. 306 00:20:39,500 --> 00:20:43,254 My instinct says it's that circle thingy over there. 307 00:20:43,340 --> 00:20:47,015 No. That's the brake fluid... I think. 308 00:20:47,100 --> 00:20:49,568 I'll pay for the manual and read it in verse. 309 00:20:49,660 --> 00:20:54,654 You're the smallest, so shimmy under the car and drain the oil into this. 310 00:20:54,740 --> 00:20:57,174 Fine. First I need to go inside. 311 00:21:05,540 --> 00:21:08,338 - He's not coming back, is he? - No. 312 00:21:08,420 --> 00:21:10,615 Yup. So what are you doing here? 313 00:21:10,700 --> 00:21:12,975 I'm here cos I love you. 314 00:21:15,860 --> 00:21:19,409 Just you and me, eh, Dad? Team Harper. 315 00:21:19,500 --> 00:21:21,730 Father and son against the world. 316 00:21:21,820 --> 00:21:25,256 Against all odds, together, forever. 317 00:21:25,340 --> 00:21:29,094 - Yup. Go and drain the oil. - No bloody way. I have a date next week. 318 00:21:29,180 --> 00:21:32,058 I don't want to dirty my clothes. This shirt is vintage. 319 00:21:32,140 --> 00:21:35,815 - Well, change your clothes. - Then I'll have to go under the car. 320 00:21:35,900 --> 00:21:39,529 All right, fine! Fine, fine! I'll do it. 321 00:21:39,620 --> 00:21:44,136 - Try not to touch anything. - Can do. You won't even know I'm here. 322 00:21:46,260 --> 00:21:50,173 - (Horn) - Nick! Don't bloody touch anything! 323 00:21:50,260 --> 00:21:54,014 You can beep the horn by touching these two wires together. 324 00:21:54,100 --> 00:21:56,694 - (Horn) - Can you hear that, Dad? 325 00:21:56,780 --> 00:21:58,975 I bloody did, you stupid imbecile! 326 00:21:59,060 --> 00:22:02,814 You're angry. Maybe I shouldn't let you work on my car. 327 00:22:02,900 --> 00:22:06,654 Sorry, Nick. Very quick of you to find the horn like that. 328 00:22:06,740 --> 00:22:10,653 I've got the sump. Here comes the oil. 329 00:22:11,860 --> 00:22:14,852 - Oh, no. I'm stuck. - Dad? 330 00:22:14,940 --> 00:22:17,659 Wait. I'll get you loose. 331 00:22:17,740 --> 00:22:19,696 No! No, Nick! 332 00:22:19,780 --> 00:22:21,975 For heaven's sake, I'm stuck! 333 00:22:22,060 --> 00:22:24,415 Get inside and get some help. 334 00:22:25,460 --> 00:22:27,815 - No, Nick! - I'll be right back. 335 00:22:34,940 --> 00:22:36,896 This is a festive occasion. 336 00:22:36,980 --> 00:22:39,448 You can't be angry at the old fella. 337 00:22:39,540 --> 00:22:42,373 If it wasn't for him, you wouldn't have us. 338 00:22:45,940 --> 00:22:47,896 You're making things worse. 339 00:22:49,020 --> 00:22:53,730 At last the joyous day has arrived. My first anniversary in an unbroken home. 340 00:22:53,820 --> 00:22:55,572 Bollocks. 341 00:22:55,660 --> 00:22:59,733 Well, maybe this will lighten the mood. Happy anniversary. 342 00:22:59,820 --> 00:23:04,416 Oh, thank you, dear. At least somebody remembered. 343 00:23:04,500 --> 00:23:06,855 - It's from all of us. - You didn't chip in. 344 00:23:06,940 --> 00:23:08,931 It's the thought that counts. 345 00:23:11,060 --> 00:23:13,938 - Are you going to eat that dumpling? - Yes. 346 00:23:14,020 --> 00:23:16,534 Oh, it's beautiful. 347 00:23:16,620 --> 00:23:18,576 It's a teddy. 348 00:23:19,980 --> 00:23:22,540 - Eat the dumpling. - And the spring roll. 349 00:23:25,500 --> 00:23:28,378 - I'm going to my room. - (Ben) Nick! 350 00:23:29,420 --> 00:23:30,614 Nick! 351 00:23:34,660 --> 00:23:37,811 - Where have you been? - Where have I been? 352 00:23:37,900 --> 00:23:41,131 I've been trapped under that car for an hour. 353 00:23:41,220 --> 00:23:45,133 Oh, yeah. I forgot. Spring roll? 354 00:23:46,140 --> 00:23:47,937 Why didn't you call for someone? 355 00:23:48,020 --> 00:23:50,978 Because I had oil in my mouth. 356 00:23:52,300 --> 00:23:56,691 I could have drowned... I could have drowned. 357 00:23:56,780 --> 00:23:59,248 I could have... 358 00:23:59,340 --> 00:24:01,535 Oh, the silent treatment. 359 00:24:01,620 --> 00:24:05,738 You decided to give me an anniversary present after all. Thank you. 360 00:24:05,820 --> 00:24:08,698 Tell your father to go easy on the hair gel. 361 00:24:08,780 --> 00:24:12,250 Susan, I know this may sound stupid, 362 00:24:12,340 --> 00:24:16,811 but I am determined to make that car work and take you to Dorset. 363 00:24:18,180 --> 00:24:21,252 I promise on our children's lives. 364 00:24:22,300 --> 00:24:24,256 So either way, you win. 365 00:24:29,860 --> 00:24:31,816 That's my baby. 366 00:24:31,900 --> 00:24:33,891 Come on. 367 00:24:37,540 --> 00:24:40,293 (Starter motor whirrs) 368 00:24:40,380 --> 00:24:42,689 Come on... Oh, damn! 369 00:24:46,700 --> 00:24:50,534 - Let me do that for you. - Great. Come to mock me, have you? 370 00:24:50,620 --> 00:24:54,659 Partially. I also bought you a present. A can of petrol. 371 00:24:54,740 --> 00:24:56,093 Petrol? 372 00:24:56,180 --> 00:25:00,731 You bought it for me on our last anniversary, along with the tyres. 373 00:25:00,820 --> 00:25:03,971 It doesn't need petrol. I told Michael that. 374 00:25:04,060 --> 00:25:07,097 - But did you try it? - No. It's too late anyway. 375 00:25:07,180 --> 00:25:11,298 Unless we get a teleportation device, we'll never get to Dorset. 376 00:25:11,380 --> 00:25:14,975 Face it, Ben. We're going to grow old together. 377 00:25:15,060 --> 00:25:17,415 Stop trying to recapture your youth. 378 00:25:17,500 --> 00:25:21,539 I'm not trying to. I couldn't fix the bloody car then either. 379 00:25:23,060 --> 00:25:26,336 No. For once, I'm trying to do something right. 380 00:25:26,420 --> 00:25:28,980 And, as usual, you're doing it wrong. 381 00:25:29,060 --> 00:25:32,735 - Let's see if this works. - Susan, I told you it's too... 382 00:25:32,820 --> 00:25:35,857 Let's be grown-up about this. Susan? 383 00:25:35,940 --> 00:25:38,329 Right. Turn it over. 384 00:25:39,420 --> 00:25:41,456 (Starter motor whirrs) 385 00:25:41,540 --> 00:25:44,008 - See? - Try again. 386 00:25:44,100 --> 00:25:46,250 - (Engine starts) - Oh, yes! 387 00:25:46,340 --> 00:25:49,571 Yes! Come on, baby. 388 00:25:49,660 --> 00:25:52,254 - (Engine stops) - Come on! 389 00:25:53,660 --> 00:25:56,015 I told you it wouldn't work. 390 00:25:57,260 --> 00:25:59,694 So I was right. 391 00:25:59,780 --> 00:26:04,774 This car's a bit like our marriage. It's old, up on blocks, and it's going nowhere. 392 00:26:04,860 --> 00:26:07,135 And it's... green. 393 00:26:10,180 --> 00:26:14,492 Still, after all this time, it is still going. 394 00:26:14,580 --> 00:26:17,538 - No, it's not. - I mean the marriage. 395 00:26:17,620 --> 00:26:20,612 Oh, the marriage, yeah. Definitely. 396 00:26:20,700 --> 00:26:24,056 Although some things are past the point of fixing. 397 00:26:25,580 --> 00:26:27,889 - The marriage? - The car. 398 00:26:29,660 --> 00:26:34,176 I promise next year, I'll take you somewhere really special. 399 00:26:35,220 --> 00:26:38,337 More special than the garage? Do we have to book? 400 00:26:40,780 --> 00:26:44,739 - Happy anniversary, sweetheart. - Happy anniversary. 401 00:26:44,820 --> 00:26:47,129 No. Wait, wait. 402 00:26:47,220 --> 00:26:51,179 I just want to say today's a really special day for me. 403 00:26:51,260 --> 00:26:55,299 And this candle represents the light of your love... 404 00:26:55,380 --> 00:26:57,610 Ben and Susan. 405 00:26:57,700 --> 00:26:59,850 Careful. There's oil on the floor. 406 00:26:59,940 --> 00:27:03,535 Susan, I'm as graceful as a ballerina. 407 00:27:03,620 --> 00:27:06,896 Like the dancing hippos in Fantasia. 408 00:27:08,660 --> 00:27:10,013 Nearly. 409 00:27:10,100 --> 00:27:12,489 - Why did we have her? - We didn't. 410 00:27:12,580 --> 00:27:16,368 - This flame represents... - Don't light it! There's petrol fumes... 411 00:27:29,900 --> 00:27:32,539 Still up for that trip to Dorset? 412 00:27:35,180 --> 00:27:38,217 We'll take the other car. 413 00:27:38,300 --> 00:27:39,938 Yeah. 414 00:27:48,060 --> 00:27:50,574 Did I say you could change the colour? 415 00:28:11,260 --> 00:28:13,012 Cake, anyone? 416 00:28:37,140 --> 00:28:38,892 OK... 32638

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