All language subtitles for My Family - S03E07 - Waiting to Inhale

Hm.

(Hums)

Oh, yeah.

- Mum said you want to talk.
- No. Your mother wants us to talk.

I'm just the middle man.

- How d'you deal with the control freak?
- Blind submission.

- Saves time.
- That's pathetic.

I know. It's called growing up.

So, Mikey...

Mikey. Seeing anyone special?

- Oh, God!
- It's not that bad.

I ask questions,
you lie through your teeth.

Well, promise not to tell Mum.

I won't even listen. All right?

- OK. Bex is nice.
- Mm-hm.

- And Sophie.
- Mm.

But the one who's really, you know,
is Miss Kelly, my maths teacher.

It'll never go beyond
the way our bodies touch

when we pass in the corridor,
or the way she leans over me

to correct my homework
with her top buttons undone.

- Ouch!
- And nothing on underneath.

Except on the days when she's wearing
something lacy and sheer.

And very, very low cut.

Ow. Michael, I think
you'd better stop now, OK?

- Before I bleed to death.
- OK. Bye.

Have we got any fruity puffs?

- You don't want anything nutritious?
- Uh-uh.

You really need to get
new contact lenses.

No, this is perfect.

Well, I'm not giving you the milk.

Susan, it's art.
This table is my canvas

and these objects are placed
to convey the message of my work.

I call it Kitchen Table With Cereal.

Funny. I call it
Strange Girl With Problems.

Ah! A collage.
What happened to you?

Do you know Michael's maths teacher?

- Miss Kelly? Amazing woman.
- Really? Why?

I mean, still teaching at 82.

I'm busy after school. Don't wait up.

- Won't you be home for dinner?
- Not if I can help it.

Hold on. Oi. 82 years old?

You said I should lie
through my teeth.

My God, somebody
actually listens to me!

Wait. Why so late?

Going over to Bex's house.

To study.

Wouldn't you say Bex is a little...
How can I put this politely?

...fast and slutty?

Yeah!

Ben!

Yeah. Have fun!

Be home by tomorrow.
Touch that again and die!

- Be home by nine. PM.
- Oh...

No, Michael,
there's plenty of time to... study.

Oh, yeah. That's my boy!

Fancy encouraging him.
She's not good enough for him.

Come on. All mothers feel that way
about anyone their sons go out with.

Bex is boorish, wild
and her skirts are too short.

My mother said
the same thing about...

Bex, had they met. Which they didn't,
cos my mum... Yes, OK.

- Come on.
- It's OK for me to be in your room?

My parents aren't home.

They're not home
like they're not home? Or...

they're not home like...
they're not home?

What do you think?

Be right back.

- What are you doing?
- Nothing.

- I was... checking the label.
- What?

Very good quality. Nice material.

I'm gonna stop talking now.

So... do you wanna do something?

More than anything in my entire life.

Me, too.

Let's smoke.

Ex... cuse me?

I got it from Vicky,
who got it from her friend.

- It's supposed to be great stuff.
- Ah!

You do smoke?

Me? Are you kidding?
I'm trying to cut back.

It's very chilled.

Yeah, I was getting too chilled.
Brrr!

Do you have a match?

Wouldn't you know?
I left them in my other trousers.

- I think I've got some.
- Some... trousers?

No. Matches.

(Door opens)

- What are you doing?
- You're home.

- I am so disappointed.
- Believe me, so am I.

And who are you?

- I'm me.
- He's a friend.

Right.
Robbie William... Sun... derland.

Don't you think you should leave,
Robbie William Sunderland?

Right. Bye.

I just want you to know...

nothing happened.

(Ben gargling)

(Coughs, clears throat)

Whoo!

Interesting meal tonight, Susan.

I never knew sea urchins
were that versatile.

Ah, yes! Ooh...

Best part of the day. Apart from
the morning pee, of course.

Although that's getting harder,
you know.

I used to stream
like the fountain of Trevi but...

...now I just stand there
and let gravity do the work.

Oh, dear.

Is the romance going out of
our marriage, do you think?

- What's wrong?
- Nothing.

Good. You know, in the mornings

I find that if I just rest my head
against the wall and lean over,

I don't even have to be awake to pee.

It's amazing. Just happens.
Not bad, eh?

- We have to talk.
- I thought we were.

A light-hearted description
of impending incontinence

is not what I consider conversation.

That's a shame, cos as we stagger
towards the sunset of our years,

these'll be the fun talks.

No matter how depressed I am,

you still have the power
to depress me further.

Anything worth doing
is worth doing well.

Aren't you going to ask why I'm upset?

Nope.

You're only gonna tell me anyway.

(Mouths)

- It's Michael.
- I thought you'd get to five seconds.

It's not funny and it can't wait.

Cool?

- I found it in Michael's drawer.
- Not cool.

That Bex has corrupted our baby.

First of all, Susan,
Michael is not a baby.

I'm not infantilising him.

I'm simply pointing out
that he's only 186 months old.

In other words, he's 15.

Oh, and to you, 15's a man.
Macho man and his macho son.

Why not teach him to set fire to his farts
and belch God Save The Queen?

Have you been smoking that?

It's true and you know it.
The way you smirked like a caveman

instead of forbidding him
to see that girl, like a normal father.

- Or hysterical mother?
- I beg your...

I mean it, Susan.
This is said with great love...

...and no small amount of fear.

But you have to separate
the Michael issue

from the issue of
your not wanting him to grow up.

No, from the issue
that you're a horse's arse.

Susan, where are you going?

To give him a piece of my mind.

You've lost enough of it already.

Which means... let me talk to him.

- You?
- Yeah.

Let's at least let him grow some goolies
before you lop 'em off.

- Nice evening?
- Fine.

Cool. Good. Great.

- Well, I talked to him.
- You're lying.

Yeah.

We're just like our parents,
aren't we?

Hypocritical old farts.

I know. I really thought
we'd be different. More accepting.

No, not me.
I always knew I'd be an old fart.

Of course, we could
go about this differently.

- Mm?
- Nothing in life is that black or white.

You want to smoke that, don't you?

It's not about me.

I'm just saying it might be
an interesting approach.

A little more openness. Acceptance.

Like accepting his girlfriend?

- I'm not talking about that tart.
- She's 15.

Fine. The tartlet.

I'm just saying that instead of
lecturing him and chasing him away,

we could tell him that
if he's going to experiment,

he should do it at home.

- Under parental supervision.
- Exactly.

And we shouldn't let Michael
experiment with something

unless we're willing to try it ourselves.
For safety's sake.

Su... Sa...

- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- I generally try not to.

But in this case, if you're thinking
what I'm thinking...

- (Laughing)
- It's true! I swear it!

You are so far beyond wrong.

Here's wrong.
And that's you way, way over there.

- Wanna bet? L5.
- OK.

The words Jimi Hendrix actually sings

is "Excuse me while I kiss 'the sky"'.

Not "while I kiss 'this guy"'.

Jimi Hendrix didn't kiss guys,
as far as I know.

He couldn't kiss the sky, either.
It's Jimi Hendrix, not Jimi Giraffe.

(Laughs hysterically)

(Laughs hysterically)

- I'm hungry. Aren't you hungry?
- Yes!

Wow!

Wow.

You ever wondered,
if we didn't have five fingers,

we'd actually just have four?

Ooh. What's this?

Sea-urchin souffle.

I mean, who the hell
does the cooking around here?

You do!

Yeah... Yeah!

- Ice cream!
- Yeah! Yeah.

It's not here!
I just bought some today.

I ate it.

- The whole thing?
- Yeah.

- Cheese!
- Yeah!

No, I ate that, too.

- All of it?
- Yeah. I left you the urchins.

- The cupboard is bare.
- (Whistles)

Oh, no. Oh, no.
Wait! Wait, wait, wait.

An egg.

A single egg.

- Which we're going to share.
- Like the cheese?

Oh, Susan... don't you love me no mo?

Oh... of course, sweetheart.
Of course I do.

(Muffled) Oh, baby... Whoa!

What are you doing?
That is a work of art!

A few more minutes
and it would've been.

- What's going on?
- Nothing.

- Let me see your eyes.
- No. Why?

I ink they shey owes ney.

My God, my hearing's gone backwards!

- Are you stoned?
- Us? No!

No.

What kind of example
are you setting for the kids?

We got it from Michael.

I mean me!

I'm not as worldly and sophisticated
as people think.

People don't think
you're worldly and sophisticated.

No, I'm amazed
you can tie your own laces.

Look. Maybe you haven't
got the message.

But this... is your brain.

And this... is your brain on drugs!

That was our dinner.

She's killed our brain.

Ben.

- Ben, wake up.
- Oh...

Not again, Susan, please.

- Shut up.
- I'm only human.

This is important.

- We've done wrong.
- Done wrong?

- Yes.
- Well, it worked for me.

No. No, that doesn't work for me.

- We have totally screwed up.
- Huh?

What?

- Look at this.
- Oh, no more, Susan, please.

No! No.

Oh, stop it. Susan!

What happened to
the fun, laid-back Susan of an hour ago?

Stop living in the past.

How can we confront Michael
with this? It's half gone.

Don't make a joke.
This is no laughing matter.

Without the evidence,
we have no case.

What? You're not
Rumpole Of The Bailey.

- It's all your fault.
- My f...

- You know it is.
- You're the one playing Susie Sunshine.

You're the one who got me pregnant
with him. It's down to your lusts.

There's no way
I'm gonna win this one, is there?

Of course not. Help me think.

- What if?
- I've thought of that.

- How about?
- Won't work.

- I've got it!
- I'm glad I could help!

Turmeric. Cardamom.

Your spice rack's kinda scary, Susan.

- Anise. Eye of newt.
- Just find the oregano.

What's this one, without a label?

- Mystery spices.
- But what is it?

If I'd remembered, I'd call it
something else. Keep looking.

Good God! Sell by August 1986.

- Don't!
- When will you use ancient parsley?

- In an emergency.
- In case of a parsley shortage(!)

For the Great Parsley Famine of '91,
yes, of course.

Thank God for that emergency garnish.

- Just give it here.
- Susan, it's turned brown.

Perfect.

- What does that look like?
- The onset of menopause?

No, marijuana.

We take a cigarette, empty the tobacco,
fill it with this and voila.

Wow. Where'd you learn that?

The WI.

Now just give me a cigarette.

Ah-ha-ha!

- What?
- Don't smoke, do I?

Two and a half years, tobacco-free.

Ben, you know you smoke,
I know you smoke.

The kids know. The neighbours know.
Your patients know.

Blind Mrs Lally,
who lives with the 17 cats...

- OK. Your point being?
- Stop being a hypocrite.

Oh! Right, right.
Stop being a hypocrite.

While we run around
and lie to our son.

Exactly.

Filter, non-filter?
King size, medium size?

- Whatever's on hand.
- They all are.

- Ben, you disappoint me.
- What?

That I'm still hooked and lie about it?

No, because you confessed so fast.

Let's see if I remember
how to do this.

You won't remember, Susan. Come on!

It was the '60s. And if you do remember,
you weren't there.

Muscle memory.

- Put it in Michael's drawer.
- No way.

I'm not gonna plant evidence on him.

You're not planting evidence,
you're simply replacing it.

No. That's entrapment.

If he didn't want us to find it,
he wouldn't have hidden it there.

- Should he hide it up his ar?
- You always miss the point.

If we don't put it back,
we can't confront him with it.

I'm sorry, Susan, but as a father
there are lines I will not cross.

I may not like my children,
but I will not lie to them.

"Yes, yes, Mikey, Mikey, my old boy!

"Your old father gave up
cigarettes... two and half years ago."

No, that's not lying,
that's protecting.

That's exactly
what I'm trying to do with this.

God...

- I hate you.
- Isn't parenthood fun?

Mm.

Oh, I give up!

- (Kicks something)
- Oh... Jesu...

(Weakly) Agh!

What are you doing in my room?

Michael...

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to
tell you the truth.

Your mother's started
smoking cigarettes again.

I'm trying to find
where she's been hiding them.

- Well, they're not in here.
- Oh, good.

Did you put it back?

I lied. I demeaned myself.

I made myself look like a total arse,
and all to stitch up my son.

Good.

And I almost broke my foot
getting to his desk.

- Desk? Why his desk?
- You said to put it in his drawer.

Not his desk drawer. He hides
his magazines and his diary there.

The really secret stuff,
he rolls up in his socks.

Excuse me for
missing that day at Ml5(!)

To trap a teenager,
you've gotta become a teenager.

OK. "Shut up and leave me alone!"

All right, I'm going.

Back so soon? What are you doing?

Oh, you know, learning how to juggle.
Just can't stop.

I think Mum sent you in
to go through my stuff.

Michael, did Bex give you this?

I'm not saying anything.

Look, I want this conversation
less than you do.

- Drugs are bad.
- Worse than cigarettes?

I gave those up.
That's not the point.

Drugs are bad. They're addictive.

- Like cigarettes.
- No. Worse.

Drugs alter the sense of who you are.

- While cigarettes merely kill you.
- Trust me on this, Michael, OK?

Drugs impede your judgment.
They make you think...

bad jokes are funny.
And they... they...

- Cause short-term memory loss?
- Don't be clever.

- You were gonna say that.
- No.

I was gonna say
nobody likes a smart-arse.

(Sighs) Look... Dad, if
we're gonna have this conversation...

all the booklets on talking
to kids about drugs say this...

you're gonna have to
be prepared to be honest.

Wow. There are... there are booklets?

- Uh-huh.
- Can you lend me one?

- Being honest is not difficult.
- You wait. You're young.

This is an important step for
both of us in the bonding process.

So let's try to get it right. OK...

- Take a couple of these. Stand up.
- What? What?

Just relax.

- Toss one over.
- Right.

Wh... Oh, I see. Yeah. Oh, ho-ho.

Oh, very good.

You're very clever.
You know that, don't you?

Yes, I do. It's a survival skill
in a world gone mad.

If you smoke dope,
you'll lose that cleverness.

You won't know you've lost it
but you will.

Have you ever done drugs?

- What? Me?
- Uh-huh.

- Erm, ever in my life?
- Yeah.

No.

Well, not in any heavy "The wallpaper
is alive and wants to eat me" way.

- So you did do it.
- It was the '60s. Everybody did it.

- You caved in to peer pressure.
- Because I was stoned.

Frankly, I'm very disappointed in you.

- Because of that?
- No.

In general.

Look, Dad, I've never done drugs.
Never have and never will.

- I'm meant to believe that?
- I'm gonna be a Tory prime minister.

I don't need any hippy baggage
in my past.

- What were you doing in her house?
- I went for illicit sex, not drugs.

- You are a Tory.
- Thank you.

So all this was for nothing?

No, it wasn't.
You learnt how to juggle.

Yeah.

Come here.

First give me back what you took.

- What?
- Well, I have to give it back.

- If I don't, I'll look like a prat.
- You're a Harper, get used to it.

No, Dad, I mean it.

Bex is so beautiful
she makes my teeth hurt.

I swear I won't smoke it.

But I can't just say "Ooh,
Mummy and Daddy took it from me."

It's too embarrassing.

Ooh, Mikey, Mikey.

Your mother's gonna kill me.

Don't worry, Dad. Bex is worth it.

Oh, that's a relief(!)

Yeah.

- You did what?!
- He told me to trust him.

I say don't leave your pants
on the floor. I'll stop him.

- No, Susan. No.
- No?

Delivering drugs
makes him a drug dealer.

No. It makes him
a parsley delivery boy.

- I've got your stuff.
- What?

- Your stuff.
- What are you doing?

Look. Drugs...

You might not notice it now,
but trust me,

they really make you stupid
when you get older.

What are you doing?
I've got a career in politics.

OK?

- You're really giving it up?
- Vicky's friend was ripped off.

It's not weed. It's a stupid mix of
cinnamon twigs, pepper and oregano.

No one could possibly
get high off that.

That's the best I've ever had.

I'm completely wrecked.

Mmm. Me, too.

Cool.

I mean, we couldn't leave it
lying around the house.

No. The things you do
for your kids, eh?

Do you smell cinnamon?