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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,056 --> 00:00:01,129 One, two, three! 2 00:00:02,494 --> 00:00:04,961 Hey, guys! We're here! 3 00:00:05,030 --> 00:00:06,296 Welcome! 4 00:00:06,398 --> 00:00:07,897 Pool's cool, snacks in the kitchen, 5 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:10,867 I've had some ros�, so fun Mitchell is in the house. 6 00:00:10,936 --> 00:00:12,636 Showing quite a bit of leg. 7 00:00:12,738 --> 00:00:14,471 - This is very... - World-cuppy? 8 00:00:15,774 --> 00:00:17,040 There they are! 9 00:00:17,109 --> 00:00:19,509 My adult children still sponging off me 10 00:00:19,578 --> 00:00:21,745 - after nearly five decades. - Love it. 11 00:00:21,813 --> 00:00:24,814 Sorry, thought I'd bend that into a joke, but it stayed real. 12 00:00:25,694 --> 00:00:27,360 - Hi, kids! - Hey, Grandpa. 13 00:00:27,462 --> 00:00:28,628 Come on, Lily. Come on. 14 00:00:28,697 --> 00:00:31,498 Hey, Phil. 15 00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:33,933 What's up his can? 16 00:00:34,002 --> 00:00:35,201 I don't know. 17 00:00:35,270 --> 00:00:37,337 Not easy being a white man these days. 18 00:00:37,439 --> 00:00:38,571 You feel me. 19 00:00:38,640 --> 00:00:41,308 So, I got Dad and Gloria's anniversary present. 20 00:00:41,410 --> 00:00:43,042 You guys both owe me 40 bucks. 21 00:00:43,112 --> 00:00:44,178 Wait. It's their anniversary? 22 00:00:44,247 --> 00:00:45,779 I-I thought it was Gloria's birthday. 23 00:00:45,848 --> 00:00:47,147 It can't be Gloria's birthday. 24 00:00:47,216 --> 00:00:48,949 She gets mad even if you mention it. 25 00:00:49,051 --> 00:00:50,184 I once asked when it was, 26 00:00:50,286 --> 00:00:52,086 and she left a dismembered Bratz doll in my purse. 27 00:00:54,323 --> 00:00:55,556 Then why are we here? 28 00:00:55,658 --> 00:00:57,858 You know what? I'm gonna go check what the cake says. 29 00:00:57,960 --> 00:00:59,393 I'll have a glass of "cake," too. 30 00:00:59,495 --> 00:01:00,761 Okay. 31 00:01:00,863 --> 00:01:02,730 Quick, before she comes back, I need some relationship advice, 32 00:01:02,832 --> 00:01:05,132 and this is kind of in a gray area ethically. 33 00:01:05,249 --> 00:01:06,348 And it's okay to ask us 34 00:01:06,450 --> 00:01:08,116 because, as gays, we wouldn't dare judge anyone 35 00:01:08,218 --> 00:01:10,185 while living such a deviant lifestyle? 36 00:01:10,287 --> 00:01:13,021 Even the most beautiful version of our love is a mortal stain 37 00:01:13,123 --> 00:01:15,357 compared to the worst thing you could do? 38 00:01:15,459 --> 00:01:16,558 Maybe I should talk to somebody else. 39 00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:18,226 - No, tell us! - No! Spill, girl, spill! 40 00:01:18,329 --> 00:01:19,795 Okay, so just between us, 41 00:01:19,897 --> 00:01:21,797 you know I'm with Arvin and he's working in Switzerland. 42 00:01:21,899 --> 00:01:23,198 Well, I did something bad. 43 00:01:24,201 --> 00:01:25,201 I kissed Dylan. 44 00:01:25,202 --> 00:01:27,536 Whoa! Whoa, Dylan's still around? 45 00:01:27,638 --> 00:01:29,471 I-I thought he joined a cult or something. 46 00:01:29,573 --> 00:01:31,807 I heard he ate Mentos and a Coke and exploded. 47 00:01:31,909 --> 00:01:33,709 I don't know why I did it. It meant nothing, 48 00:01:33,811 --> 00:01:35,811 but I feel horrible, and Arvin keeps calling, 49 00:01:35,913 --> 00:01:37,245 but I'm not picking up because, like... 50 00:01:37,348 --> 00:01:38,680 Do I have to tell him? 51 00:01:38,782 --> 00:01:42,150 Honey, these things happen in every relationship. 52 00:01:42,252 --> 00:01:44,853 You absolutely do not need to tell your partner everything. 53 00:01:44,955 --> 00:01:47,055 Okay, well, that's a fun thing to hear your husband say. 54 00:01:47,157 --> 00:01:48,724 Please, do not turn this into something. 55 00:01:48,826 --> 00:01:50,859 Well, I was going to say, yes, you need to tell Arvin 56 00:01:50,961 --> 00:01:52,661 because you want your relationship based on truth, 57 00:01:52,763 --> 00:01:54,129 which, apparently, mine is not. 58 00:01:54,231 --> 00:01:56,098 This sucks! I don't know what to do. 59 00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:57,933 I was counting on you two to be on the same page. 60 00:01:58,035 --> 00:02:00,268 - Well, we usually are. - When have you ever seen that? 61 00:02:00,371 --> 00:02:01,770 What are you hens cackling about? 62 00:02:01,872 --> 00:02:04,072 Just asking how they are. 63 00:02:04,174 --> 00:02:06,241 - Gonna jump in the pool. - Okay, see you. 64 00:02:06,343 --> 00:02:08,143 Haley doesn't care how people are. 65 00:02:08,245 --> 00:02:09,745 - What's going on? - It's nothing. 66 00:02:09,847 --> 00:02:12,014 She was just asking for some advice. 67 00:02:12,116 --> 00:02:13,148 Why wouldn't she come to me? 68 00:02:13,250 --> 00:02:15,517 I thought we were finally becoming friends. 69 00:02:15,619 --> 00:02:16,918 Well, you know, think about it, Claire. 70 00:02:17,021 --> 00:02:19,154 All the secrets that you kept from your mom. 71 00:02:19,256 --> 00:02:21,156 Yeah, but my mom 72 00:02:21,258 --> 00:02:23,091 was an uptight, crazy person. 73 00:02:23,193 --> 00:02:25,927 Let's just slowly back away as that settles in. 74 00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:33,074 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org 75 00:02:36,107 --> 00:02:41,107 Synced and corrected by BLuk www.addic7ed.com 76 00:02:43,781 --> 00:02:44,946 Hey, buddy! 77 00:02:45,049 --> 00:02:47,749 Ready for the best thing to happen to your mouth since... 78 00:02:47,851 --> 00:02:50,786 I'm gonna bail on that. I took off without a place to land. 79 00:02:50,888 --> 00:02:53,021 - How about a Mint "Jay-lep"? - I'll pass, 80 00:02:53,123 --> 00:02:55,190 seeing as I'm not a hundred-year-old Southern lady. 81 00:02:57,995 --> 00:02:59,861 I finally saw the movie "Mean Girls." 82 00:02:59,963 --> 00:03:01,596 I know. I'm a middle-aged man. 83 00:03:01,698 --> 00:03:03,198 How'd I wait so long? 84 00:03:03,300 --> 00:03:06,435 The point is, I realized I have a mean girl in my life... 85 00:03:06,537 --> 00:03:07,602 Jay. 86 00:03:07,704 --> 00:03:08,837 Like last week at this wedding, 87 00:03:08,939 --> 00:03:10,672 I'm rocking my moonwalk, and Jay yells, 88 00:03:10,774 --> 00:03:14,176 "Hey, look, it's Michael Jerkson." 89 00:03:14,278 --> 00:03:15,677 Enough's enough. 90 00:03:15,779 --> 00:03:18,380 How do you get a mean girl to stop being a mean girl? 91 00:03:18,482 --> 00:03:20,882 Be mean girlier. 92 00:03:20,984 --> 00:03:22,384 No, no, no, no, you're gonna love it. 93 00:03:22,486 --> 00:03:24,319 Mint Jay-leps are all the rage. 94 00:03:24,421 --> 00:03:26,188 You keep saying "Jay-leps." 95 00:03:26,290 --> 00:03:29,424 Yeah, well I made juleps, and... and... and my name's Jay, 96 00:03:29,526 --> 00:03:30,859 so I call them "Jay-leps." 97 00:03:30,961 --> 00:03:32,594 No, I get it. 98 00:03:34,264 --> 00:03:35,597 It's just a fun thing. 99 00:03:35,699 --> 00:03:38,066 Ooh, are these the Mint Jay-leps we've been hearing about? 100 00:03:38,168 --> 00:03:39,568 - Yeah. - Jay-leps. 101 00:03:39,670 --> 00:03:41,603 - Adorbs. - They are adorbs. 102 00:03:41,705 --> 00:03:42,904 Why do I doubt myself? 103 00:03:43,006 --> 00:03:44,639 Manny! 104 00:03:44,741 --> 00:03:45,874 How was the road trip? 105 00:03:45,976 --> 00:03:48,810 What can I say? Six weeks, 33 states, 106 00:03:48,912 --> 00:03:51,179 a lot of fake scrotums on the back of pickup trucks. 107 00:03:51,281 --> 00:03:54,282 And he met a very nice girlfriend, and he's in love. 108 00:03:54,384 --> 00:03:55,884 Let's see a pic. 109 00:03:55,986 --> 00:03:57,319 Wish I could. 110 00:03:57,421 --> 00:03:58,887 I-I went old-school and used a film camera, 111 00:03:58,989 --> 00:04:01,389 and the one roll I took of her fell into the Grand Canyon. 112 00:04:01,492 --> 00:04:03,191 You don't have a single photo of her? 113 00:04:03,293 --> 00:04:06,027 Well, just this blurry one on my phone. 114 00:04:06,030 --> 00:04:07,062 Let's see. 115 00:04:07,164 --> 00:04:08,164 Look at her. 116 00:04:08,265 --> 00:04:09,331 Yeah, you can't really 117 00:04:09,433 --> 00:04:11,366 make her out, but it captures her wild spirit. 118 00:04:11,468 --> 00:04:13,034 Yes. 119 00:04:15,339 --> 00:04:17,239 - Is it me, or is Manny dating Bigfoot? - Yeah. 120 00:04:17,341 --> 00:04:18,373 Let me tell you the difference 121 00:04:18,475 --> 00:04:20,809 between Manny's girlfriend and Bigfoot. 122 00:04:20,911 --> 00:04:22,110 Bigfoot could be real. 123 00:04:22,212 --> 00:04:23,545 She's not a fake girlfriend. 124 00:04:23,647 --> 00:04:25,147 You want to hear the kicker? 125 00:04:25,148 --> 00:04:26,148 She's from Canada. 126 00:04:26,250 --> 00:04:27,682 - No. - Yikes. 127 00:04:27,784 --> 00:04:30,452 - Stop it! - Back me up, boys. 128 00:04:30,454 --> 00:04:31,553 You know what, Gloria? 129 00:04:31,655 --> 00:04:33,688 Canada is good for a lot of things, 130 00:04:33,790 --> 00:04:36,124 but their number-one export is fake girlfriends. 131 00:04:36,193 --> 00:04:37,726 Yeah, it's kind of a thing. 132 00:04:37,794 --> 00:04:39,194 Before Cam and I came out, 133 00:04:39,296 --> 00:04:41,029 we each had Canadian girlfriends. 134 00:04:41,098 --> 00:04:43,365 So, what are you saying now? That Manny's gay? 135 00:04:43,433 --> 00:04:47,536 We weren't, but he does check a few of the boxes. 136 00:04:47,638 --> 00:04:49,037 Come on. Look at him. 137 00:04:49,139 --> 00:04:52,707 He's as straight as the swim from Cartagena to Houston. 138 00:04:52,776 --> 00:04:55,377 The trip was amazing, and I did the cheekiest thing. 139 00:04:55,479 --> 00:04:57,045 I saw "Oklahoma!" in Oklahoma, 140 00:04:57,114 --> 00:04:58,780 "Chicago" in Chicago, and then, 141 00:04:58,849 --> 00:05:01,216 I got in a little trouble in River City. 142 00:05:01,285 --> 00:05:04,185 Okay, that's the gayest thing I've ever heard, 143 00:05:04,256 --> 00:05:06,222 and I shampooed dogs in West Hollywood. 144 00:05:06,325 --> 00:05:07,791 He's had so many girlfriends. 145 00:05:07,893 --> 00:05:10,393 The last one was a woman in her 20s. 146 00:05:10,462 --> 00:05:12,495 Yeah, but didn't you say he was so sweet when she stayed over 147 00:05:12,564 --> 00:05:13,596 he offered to sleep on the couch? 148 00:05:13,665 --> 00:05:16,733 So what? My first boyfriend at his age, 149 00:05:16,835 --> 00:05:18,368 he wasn't ready to sleep with me. 150 00:05:18,470 --> 00:05:20,070 And what does he do now? 151 00:05:20,172 --> 00:05:23,306 He runs a very nice bed and breakfast. 152 00:05:23,940 --> 00:05:24,972 - With...? - With...? 153 00:05:25,074 --> 00:05:26,774 His good friend Steven! 154 00:05:26,876 --> 00:05:28,109 Shut up! 155 00:05:29,078 --> 00:05:31,612 I-I really feel for Manny 156 00:05:31,714 --> 00:05:33,648 if he's wrestling with this secret. 157 00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:35,082 Yet you had no problem keeping 158 00:05:35,184 --> 00:05:37,051 an indiscretion from me for 16 years. 159 00:05:37,153 --> 00:05:38,286 - And off we go. - Yeah. 160 00:05:38,354 --> 00:05:40,288 Just like the shorts of that beefy UPS driver 161 00:05:40,390 --> 00:05:41,722 that delivered you two packages that day. 162 00:05:41,824 --> 00:05:43,958 Wow, that is not what happened! 163 00:05:44,027 --> 00:05:45,826 So, you admit something happened! 164 00:05:45,871 --> 00:05:47,070 Okay, I'm gonna tell you everything 165 00:05:47,173 --> 00:05:49,072 'cause it is so much tamer than what's in your head. 166 00:05:49,141 --> 00:05:51,308 - Okay. - Six weeks into our relationship, 167 00:05:51,410 --> 00:05:53,343 before we decided we were exclusive, 168 00:05:53,412 --> 00:05:55,746 I kissed someone in a bar. 169 00:05:55,815 --> 00:05:58,081 - See, it's not a big deal. - Okay, yes, it is a big deal, 170 00:05:58,184 --> 00:06:00,083 which is why I rejected 171 00:06:00,186 --> 00:06:02,820 a very similar advance at the same time 172 00:06:02,922 --> 00:06:04,321 from a celebrity, 173 00:06:04,423 --> 00:06:05,522 but I'm not gonna tell you who that is, 174 00:06:05,624 --> 00:06:07,057 because I don't want you to feel insecure. 175 00:06:07,126 --> 00:06:08,525 Cam, we both know you're seconds away 176 00:06:08,627 --> 00:06:11,161 - from telling me... - It was Isaac Mizrahi! 177 00:06:11,690 --> 00:06:13,357 Yeah, that's right. 178 00:06:13,459 --> 00:06:14,958 Cindy Crawford's friend! 179 00:06:27,850 --> 00:06:29,783 There you are. 180 00:06:29,852 --> 00:06:31,318 We haven't had a chance to talk about anything 181 00:06:31,387 --> 00:06:32,720 since you got back. 182 00:06:32,755 --> 00:06:35,656 So, tell me about this new Canadian girlfriend. 183 00:06:35,725 --> 00:06:38,092 Well, she's brilliant, but humble, 184 00:06:38,194 --> 00:06:39,894 beautiful, but accessible, 185 00:06:39,962 --> 00:06:41,462 one of the funniest people I've ever met, 186 00:06:41,531 --> 00:06:43,697 but, also, deeply serious. 187 00:06:43,707 --> 00:06:46,574 Such lovely, general terms. 188 00:06:46,643 --> 00:06:49,077 She sounds a little bit too good to be true. 189 00:06:49,587 --> 00:06:50,787 What is her name? 190 00:06:50,855 --> 00:06:52,055 It's Sherry Shaker. 191 00:06:53,158 --> 00:06:54,724 Sherry Shaker? 192 00:06:54,759 --> 00:06:57,293 Those are the two things that are in front of you at this bar. 193 00:06:57,362 --> 00:06:58,995 Delightful! 194 00:06:59,097 --> 00:07:00,196 Manny... 195 00:07:00,265 --> 00:07:02,699 is there anything that you need to tell me? 196 00:07:02,767 --> 00:07:04,867 Maybe some kind of... 197 00:07:04,970 --> 00:07:06,669 sexual thing? 198 00:07:06,771 --> 00:07:07,837 Um... 199 00:07:08,840 --> 00:07:10,840 I really don't want to talk about this. 200 00:07:11,533 --> 00:07:13,366 Okay, papi, but you know I love you 201 00:07:13,468 --> 00:07:14,968 and that you can be honest with me 202 00:07:15,036 --> 00:07:16,703 about anything, right? 203 00:07:16,771 --> 00:07:18,538 In that case... 204 00:07:18,607 --> 00:07:20,006 This is a lot. 205 00:07:20,075 --> 00:07:21,574 I'm pretty desensitized to it, 206 00:07:21,643 --> 00:07:23,242 but I saw Luke walk into a wall. 207 00:07:28,757 --> 00:07:30,089 What are you guys laughing at? 208 00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:31,557 I wouldn't worry about it. 209 00:07:31,659 --> 00:07:33,126 You said something funny, didn't you? 210 00:07:33,194 --> 00:07:34,927 The guy's a joke machine! 211 00:07:35,030 --> 00:07:36,962 - Someone's sitting there. - Who? 212 00:07:37,002 --> 00:07:39,302 Someone who doesn't ask a million questions. 213 00:07:40,405 --> 00:07:41,938 Grandpa, you can sit with us. 214 00:07:44,409 --> 00:07:45,409 Great. 215 00:07:45,731 --> 00:07:48,098 It was working, but it was killing me. 216 00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:50,534 I've actually had dreams where the only thing happening 217 00:07:50,603 --> 00:07:52,536 was me sitting with Jay while he, you know, 218 00:07:52,605 --> 00:07:54,705 tousles my hair, calling me "Sport." 219 00:07:54,807 --> 00:07:56,106 Congrats, honey. 220 00:07:56,208 --> 00:07:58,575 Always proud to celebrate one of your awards. 221 00:07:58,677 --> 00:08:00,244 I didn't win an award. 222 00:08:00,775 --> 00:08:02,375 Well, then, what are we all doing here? 223 00:08:02,477 --> 00:08:03,810 I'm a busy man! 224 00:08:03,878 --> 00:08:06,379 - Don't you just golf now? - I work when it's raining. 225 00:08:06,481 --> 00:08:07,880 Why am I defending myself to you? 226 00:08:07,949 --> 00:08:09,182 And why is your father mad at me? 227 00:08:09,284 --> 00:08:10,984 - Did I do something? - Probably. 228 00:08:11,052 --> 00:08:12,318 Isn't that your relationship? 229 00:08:12,387 --> 00:08:14,787 He's always desperate for your approval and you shoot him down? 230 00:08:14,823 --> 00:08:16,623 It's supposed to be, but all of a sudden, he's, like... 231 00:08:16,691 --> 00:08:18,891 all cold. 232 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:20,159 Wouldn't let me sit with him. 233 00:08:20,228 --> 00:08:23,028 So high school. 234 00:08:23,087 --> 00:08:24,553 Dad and I watched "Mean Girls" the other night, 235 00:08:24,622 --> 00:08:26,155 and I chewed off a piece of my hair 236 00:08:26,224 --> 00:08:28,090 reliving how awful it was. 237 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:30,126 Wait. 238 00:08:30,194 --> 00:08:32,795 In the movie, the heroine takes down the head mean girl 239 00:08:32,897 --> 00:08:34,997 by being mean to her. 240 00:08:35,061 --> 00:08:36,760 Maybe that's what Dad is doing to you? 241 00:08:37,897 --> 00:08:39,329 Son of a bitch. 242 00:08:39,398 --> 00:08:41,265 Phil thinks he can "Mean Girls" me? 243 00:08:41,333 --> 00:08:43,133 How lame is that? Let me tell you something... 244 00:08:43,202 --> 00:08:45,335 I might be a pretty face, but I fight to win. 245 00:08:45,404 --> 00:08:47,071 Just like "Legally Blonde"! 246 00:08:50,059 --> 00:08:52,059 You're not looking at your phone. 247 00:08:52,161 --> 00:08:54,261 - Is everything okay? - Yeah, everything's fine. 248 00:08:54,330 --> 00:08:56,263 You know, if something was on your mind, 249 00:08:56,366 --> 00:08:58,566 I'm an excellent person to confide in. 250 00:08:58,668 --> 00:08:59,834 No judgment. 251 00:08:59,936 --> 00:09:02,436 God knows I've done some stuff I'm not proud of. 252 00:09:02,538 --> 00:09:04,672 Like what? 253 00:09:05,742 --> 00:09:07,742 J-Just like... 254 00:09:07,810 --> 00:09:09,243 shoplifting. 255 00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:11,947 Wow. Really? 256 00:09:12,015 --> 00:09:13,615 I mean, no judgment here... I do it, too. 257 00:09:13,717 --> 00:09:15,550 What? You do? 258 00:09:15,619 --> 00:09:17,385 Yeah, but I'm very ethical about it. 259 00:09:17,454 --> 00:09:20,021 I only take things from companies that use child labor. 260 00:09:20,090 --> 00:09:22,591 That is how my generation is saving the world. 261 00:09:22,659 --> 00:09:25,560 Haley, I did not raise you to steal. 262 00:09:25,629 --> 00:09:27,095 You just said you do it, too! 263 00:09:27,164 --> 00:09:28,463 I made that up so you would tell me 264 00:09:28,565 --> 00:09:30,198 - what's going on in your life! - Why would I? 265 00:09:30,267 --> 00:09:31,967 Stuff a couple Pakistani lipsticks in my purse, 266 00:09:32,035 --> 00:09:33,335 and you freak out at me! 267 00:09:36,888 --> 00:09:39,289 Well, well, well, if it isn't John, Paul, and George. 268 00:09:39,391 --> 00:09:40,690 Anyone need a Ringo? 269 00:09:40,792 --> 00:09:42,458 Actually, we can get by 270 00:09:42,527 --> 00:09:44,527 without a little help from you, friend. 271 00:09:45,831 --> 00:09:47,063 Well... 272 00:09:47,165 --> 00:09:49,232 pool's so over, anyways. 273 00:09:49,301 --> 00:09:52,068 Maybe, the guys want to hit the H2O, 274 00:09:52,170 --> 00:09:53,536 rock some Marco Polo. 275 00:09:53,638 --> 00:09:55,405 Good for you not letting that chest 276 00:09:55,473 --> 00:09:57,173 get in the way of having fun. 277 00:09:57,275 --> 00:09:58,875 Most guys wouldn't go shirtless 278 00:09:58,977 --> 00:10:00,410 until they got a little... 279 00:10:00,478 --> 00:10:01,511 muscle. 280 00:10:03,451 --> 00:10:05,084 - We need to talk. - Wait. Something weird is happening. 281 00:10:05,186 --> 00:10:06,686 I want to see how it plays out. 282 00:10:06,754 --> 00:10:08,621 Who's ready to hit the pool? 283 00:10:08,623 --> 00:10:09,655 Marco! 284 00:10:09,724 --> 00:10:12,058 Solo! 285 00:10:15,029 --> 00:10:18,331 Okay, I know emotional slights usually roll off me 286 00:10:18,399 --> 00:10:20,566 - like water off a mule's back... - Isn't it "duck"? 287 00:10:20,635 --> 00:10:22,502 A lot of animals bead, Mitchell. 288 00:10:22,570 --> 00:10:24,403 The point is I need to know details. 289 00:10:24,946 --> 00:10:26,846 I need to know what happened... 290 00:10:26,915 --> 00:10:28,281 ...and with whom. 291 00:10:28,383 --> 00:10:30,416 Was it a peck? Was it with Pepper? 292 00:10:30,518 --> 00:10:31,551 Was he drunk? 293 00:10:31,619 --> 00:10:33,119 Did you get a peck from a pickled Pepper? 294 00:10:33,188 --> 00:10:34,520 How long have you been sitting on that? 295 00:10:34,589 --> 00:10:36,556 You kissed a man six week... 296 00:10:36,658 --> 00:10:38,358 - Hi. - Hi. 297 00:10:39,961 --> 00:10:42,328 You kissed a man six weeks into our relationship 298 00:10:42,397 --> 00:10:44,063 when I'm telling you "I love you." 299 00:10:44,132 --> 00:10:46,232 I'm calling my mom, telling her I'd met the one 300 00:10:46,301 --> 00:10:49,401 while you're sidled up next to some cha-cha queen at a urinal. 301 00:10:49,432 --> 00:10:51,332 Okay, this insane reaction is proof 302 00:10:51,401 --> 00:10:52,633 that I did the right thing not telling you. 303 00:10:52,702 --> 00:10:54,602 Okay, everyone knows this kind of secret 304 00:10:54,704 --> 00:10:56,103 is poison, Mitchell. 305 00:10:56,172 --> 00:10:57,304 - Yeah? - Yeah. 306 00:10:57,373 --> 00:10:58,939 Let's take it to the room. 307 00:10:59,008 --> 00:11:00,941 Hey, you all heard that whole conversation, right? 308 00:11:01,010 --> 00:11:02,109 - Of course, yeah. - S�. 309 00:11:02,211 --> 00:11:05,046 So, Phil, if Claire kissed someone 310 00:11:05,114 --> 00:11:08,882 very early into the relationship, should she have told you? 311 00:11:09,068 --> 00:11:10,501 - Of course. - No way. 312 00:11:10,570 --> 00:11:12,303 What? Did you kiss someone? 313 00:11:12,405 --> 00:11:15,005 See? Secrets. Tearing them apart. 314 00:11:15,107 --> 00:11:17,007 Mitch and Cam, I just want you to know 315 00:11:17,109 --> 00:11:18,876 that I support your lifestyle, 316 00:11:18,945 --> 00:11:20,778 and I find it very charming 317 00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:23,080 when your people act very emotional 318 00:11:23,149 --> 00:11:25,816 and inappropriate in public. 319 00:11:25,919 --> 00:11:27,786 Okay, so I'm getting no help from this room. 320 00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:30,088 I'm sorry, but kissing someone outside of a relationship 321 00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:32,090 is a big deal and you should fess up right away. 322 00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:33,325 You told them?! 323 00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:34,826 Yes! Yes, they told us everything, 324 00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:36,294 and I can't believe you did that! 325 00:11:36,396 --> 00:11:38,897 Well, I'm sorry, but Dylan was a huge part of my life... 326 00:11:38,966 --> 00:11:41,333 You kissed Dylan?! That's your secret? 327 00:11:41,401 --> 00:11:42,467 You tricked me! 328 00:11:42,536 --> 00:11:44,202 What are you doing? 329 00:11:44,271 --> 00:11:46,505 You are dating a world-renowned scientist. 330 00:11:46,573 --> 00:11:48,340 I mean, isn't Dylan still married 331 00:11:48,408 --> 00:11:49,775 and still an idiot? 332 00:11:49,843 --> 00:11:52,110 Hey, he is not still married. 333 00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:54,912 And he's getting his life together. He's in nursing school. 334 00:11:55,165 --> 00:11:57,366 Good for him. I love Dylan. 335 00:11:57,434 --> 00:11:59,067 Honey, she's dating Arvin. 336 00:11:59,136 --> 00:12:00,402 We love Arvin now. 337 00:12:00,504 --> 00:12:01,937 And wouldn't it be wonderful 338 00:12:02,006 --> 00:12:05,574 if someone called Dylan loved someone called Arvin? 339 00:12:05,643 --> 00:12:08,176 No one in this room would have a problem with it. 340 00:12:08,245 --> 00:12:10,879 Am I wrong, or is your mom trying to get Alex 341 00:12:10,948 --> 00:12:12,080 to come out of the closet? 342 00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:15,206 God, it's Arvin calling. 343 00:12:15,275 --> 00:12:17,708 Quick, a show of hands, who thinks I have to tell him? 344 00:12:18,345 --> 00:12:19,444 One, two, three, four. 345 00:12:19,546 --> 00:12:21,446 Four out of nine? A frickin' tie?! 346 00:12:23,183 --> 00:12:25,616 Yay, I'm so happy I finally reached you! 347 00:12:25,685 --> 00:12:26,851 I know. 348 00:12:26,953 --> 00:12:29,520 How's work? Any major breakthroughs? 349 00:12:29,589 --> 00:12:31,556 Well, I-I made a German laugh. 350 00:12:33,093 --> 00:12:34,926 I miss you terribly. 351 00:12:34,995 --> 00:12:37,128 I miss you, too. 352 00:12:37,230 --> 00:12:39,897 Listen, um, we have to talk. 353 00:12:39,964 --> 00:12:43,198 I love you, and this is really hard for me to say, 354 00:12:43,300 --> 00:12:44,733 but, I, um... 355 00:12:44,835 --> 00:12:46,535 I did something stupid. 356 00:12:46,637 --> 00:12:48,804 I kissed my ex-boyfriend. It meant nothing, I swear, 357 00:12:48,906 --> 00:12:51,774 and I'm hoping you'll forgive me, and we can forget this ever happened. 358 00:12:53,711 --> 00:12:55,377 Sorry, love, you froze up. 359 00:12:55,479 --> 00:12:57,679 I-I-I missed the... the whole thing. 360 00:12:57,797 --> 00:12:59,464 That sucks. Um... 361 00:13:01,067 --> 00:13:03,401 This is really hard for me, but I did something stupid. 362 00:13:03,470 --> 00:13:05,570 I kissed my ex-boyfriend. It meant nothing, and I... 363 00:13:05,672 --> 00:13:08,873 Sorry, froze up again in the funniest position. 364 00:13:08,975 --> 00:13:10,908 You look like you'd smelled something dreadful. 365 00:13:11,010 --> 00:13:12,543 - Have another go. - Okay. 366 00:13:12,645 --> 00:13:14,979 - I messed up, and I kiss... - Wait! 367 00:13:15,081 --> 00:13:16,247 Okay, go. 368 00:13:16,349 --> 00:13:17,715 I kissed my ex-boyfriend! 369 00:13:19,219 --> 00:13:21,986 Damn it, stop freezing! 370 00:13:22,088 --> 00:13:24,655 Not frozen. 371 00:13:24,758 --> 00:13:26,691 Shocked. 372 00:13:26,793 --> 00:13:28,459 Very hurt, actually. 373 00:13:28,561 --> 00:13:29,961 I'm so sorry. 374 00:13:30,063 --> 00:13:31,763 It meant nothing. Can... 375 00:13:31,865 --> 00:13:33,197 Can we please move past this? 376 00:13:33,299 --> 00:13:34,332 I don't know. 377 00:13:34,434 --> 00:13:36,400 Um, we said that we loved each other. 378 00:13:36,503 --> 00:13:38,302 I-I trusted you. 379 00:13:38,404 --> 00:13:40,772 What I want to do is hang up on you right now. 380 00:13:40,874 --> 00:13:42,140 Wait, I... 381 00:13:44,055 --> 00:13:46,621 Well, I told him, and it couldn't have gone worse. 382 00:13:46,689 --> 00:13:47,888 - No. - I'm sorry. 383 00:13:47,890 --> 00:13:49,990 - He broke up with you. - Not yet. 384 00:13:50,035 --> 00:13:51,835 He just hung up on me. 385 00:13:51,904 --> 00:13:53,537 Come here, honey. 386 00:13:53,639 --> 00:13:56,740 I'm... I'm so sorry, and I know why you didn't come to me. 387 00:13:56,809 --> 00:13:59,042 I haven't always been Dylan's biggest fan. 388 00:13:59,111 --> 00:14:00,777 You pushed him into a beehive. 389 00:14:00,879 --> 00:14:02,646 You know, to be fair, I pushed him off of you, 390 00:14:02,748 --> 00:14:04,514 and he fell into the beehive, 391 00:14:04,591 --> 00:14:08,259 but, regardless, I want to be supportive. 392 00:14:08,328 --> 00:14:10,094 No judgment. I promise. I promise. 393 00:14:10,196 --> 00:14:12,497 I can't believe how stupid I was. 394 00:14:12,565 --> 00:14:13,865 I let Dylan get in my head, 395 00:14:13,933 --> 00:14:15,600 and now I might have ruined everything with Arvin. 396 00:14:15,668 --> 00:14:17,034 - Mnh. - So... 397 00:14:17,103 --> 00:14:18,669 what we're learning is that 398 00:14:18,738 --> 00:14:20,838 sometimes it is better to keep the secret. 399 00:14:20,940 --> 00:14:23,340 You can't be proud of that. 400 00:14:23,430 --> 00:14:24,829 Look, honey, sometimes these things happen. 401 00:14:24,898 --> 00:14:25,931 They happened with them, 402 00:14:25,999 --> 00:14:27,432 but that turned out to be a good thing. 403 00:14:27,501 --> 00:14:28,633 I'm sorry. In what way? 404 00:14:28,702 --> 00:14:31,169 Because after Mitchell kissed the guy in the bar, 405 00:14:31,238 --> 00:14:32,804 he called me crying, 406 00:14:32,906 --> 00:14:35,240 so tortured. 407 00:14:35,725 --> 00:14:37,224 He said the second he did it, 408 00:14:37,293 --> 00:14:38,792 he knew he wanted to spend 409 00:14:38,861 --> 00:14:41,095 the rest of his life with Cam. 410 00:14:41,163 --> 00:14:42,696 Mitchell, is that true? Why didn't you say that? 411 00:14:42,765 --> 00:14:45,499 Because we've been together for 15 years, Cam. 412 00:14:45,601 --> 00:14:47,301 I got defensive. I'm sorry. 413 00:14:47,370 --> 00:14:49,870 No. I'm sorry. 414 00:14:49,939 --> 00:14:51,138 You know, I freaked out, 415 00:14:51,207 --> 00:14:53,307 and I made this whole day about myself. 416 00:14:53,376 --> 00:14:56,877 And you're right... I can be self-centered and emotional. 417 00:14:58,010 --> 00:14:59,043 I guess it's, you know, 418 00:14:59,145 --> 00:15:01,512 because of all that time my daddy spent with his pigs. 419 00:15:01,614 --> 00:15:02,614 Cam. Please. 420 00:15:02,648 --> 00:15:03,748 It's time. 421 00:15:06,152 --> 00:15:08,486 Haley, you're not a bad person. 422 00:15:08,554 --> 00:15:10,921 Maybe this kiss taught you something you needed to know, 423 00:15:10,990 --> 00:15:12,690 just like it did with Uncle Mitch. 424 00:15:12,759 --> 00:15:14,358 If that's the case, 425 00:15:14,460 --> 00:15:16,527 you need to fight for the man you love 426 00:15:16,629 --> 00:15:18,429 and shut it down with the one you don't. 427 00:15:19,129 --> 00:15:20,695 You're right. 428 00:15:20,797 --> 00:15:22,563 - I have to go see Dylan. - Okay. 429 00:15:23,733 --> 00:15:26,167 Be strong. Don't let him manipulate you. 430 00:15:26,269 --> 00:15:29,303 - He can be a very em... - She's good. 431 00:15:29,406 --> 00:15:30,605 She's good. 432 00:15:32,609 --> 00:15:35,443 So happy that you came out. 433 00:15:35,512 --> 00:15:36,677 What's going on with you? 434 00:15:37,141 --> 00:15:38,707 Where did you get that raft? 435 00:15:38,776 --> 00:15:42,044 It was in a gift bag from a very moving Pride benefit 436 00:15:42,113 --> 00:15:43,846 that I went to with Mitch and Cam. 437 00:15:43,915 --> 00:15:45,714 If you want to know if I'm gay, just ask me. 438 00:15:45,783 --> 00:15:48,050 No, I don't want to be pushy. 439 00:15:48,152 --> 00:15:49,952 I like women, Mom! 440 00:15:50,021 --> 00:15:51,520 Why on Earth would you think I'm gay? 441 00:15:51,589 --> 00:15:54,123 In fairness, you do check a lot of the boxes. 442 00:15:54,192 --> 00:15:55,724 I only thought it because Jay said 443 00:15:55,793 --> 00:15:58,360 that the Canadian girlfriends are fake 444 00:15:58,462 --> 00:16:00,729 and that Mitch and Cam had them. 445 00:16:00,805 --> 00:16:02,338 You think my girlfriend is fake? 446 00:16:02,406 --> 00:16:03,939 Well, you didn't have any pictures, 447 00:16:04,008 --> 00:16:05,674 and at the bar, you said that her name 448 00:16:05,743 --> 00:16:08,744 was something like Olive Cocktail-napkin. 449 00:16:08,813 --> 00:16:10,212 It's Sherry Shaker! 450 00:16:10,314 --> 00:16:11,714 I am sorry, 451 00:16:11,816 --> 00:16:14,984 but when I asked you if you were hiding something from me, 452 00:16:15,052 --> 00:16:17,887 you got all defensive, and you boob-shamed me. 453 00:16:17,955 --> 00:16:19,889 Because something did happen. 454 00:16:19,991 --> 00:16:21,590 Sherry and I... 455 00:16:21,692 --> 00:16:23,459 we joined our... 456 00:16:24,011 --> 00:16:25,610 We crossed that beauteous threshold 457 00:16:25,679 --> 00:16:27,612 into the physical expression of love. 458 00:16:27,681 --> 00:16:30,548 Have you ever heard a straight guy describe sex that way? 459 00:16:30,651 --> 00:16:32,017 That's what he meant? 460 00:16:32,119 --> 00:16:34,185 Why does that feel worse to me? 461 00:16:34,641 --> 00:16:36,574 Hey, Alex. You're the last virgin. 462 00:16:36,676 --> 00:16:39,444 Please, I'm dating a fireman. 463 00:16:39,546 --> 00:16:41,046 I'm having hotter sex than... 464 00:16:44,084 --> 00:16:45,216 Hey, Dad? 465 00:16:45,318 --> 00:16:46,618 What are you doing? 466 00:16:50,757 --> 00:16:53,124 He wouldn't. 467 00:16:53,776 --> 00:16:56,577 I realized he was "Mean Girls-ing" me back 468 00:16:56,646 --> 00:16:58,345 with a weird nod to "Legally Blonde," 469 00:16:58,414 --> 00:17:00,047 which I'll bet he thinks I didn't notice. 470 00:17:00,116 --> 00:17:01,582 I had to change tactics. 471 00:17:01,684 --> 00:17:02,916 I had to stop acting like a mean girl 472 00:17:02,985 --> 00:17:05,352 and do the last thing Jay would ever expect me to do... 473 00:17:05,454 --> 00:17:07,387 act like a man. 474 00:17:07,494 --> 00:17:08,660 What the hell are you doing?! 475 00:17:08,729 --> 00:17:10,128 Yeah, well, everybody's hungry, 476 00:17:10,230 --> 00:17:11,563 and the prevailing opinion is that 477 00:17:11,665 --> 00:17:12,998 I'm a better griller than you. 478 00:17:13,066 --> 00:17:14,199 No. 479 00:17:14,267 --> 00:17:16,701 Wow. You must think you're pretty tough. 480 00:17:16,770 --> 00:17:18,737 - Not as tough as your meat. - Claire! 481 00:17:18,839 --> 00:17:21,039 Yes, good, everybody get out here! 482 00:17:21,108 --> 00:17:22,173 What? What's going on? 483 00:17:22,275 --> 00:17:24,709 It's Phil! Phil is grilling! 484 00:17:24,811 --> 00:17:26,644 This bozo just told me 485 00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:28,546 that you think I overcook your meat. 486 00:17:28,608 --> 00:17:29,614 Is that true? 487 00:17:31,084 --> 00:17:32,417 Um... 488 00:17:32,519 --> 00:17:33,818 Luke?! 489 00:17:38,412 --> 00:17:40,279 Dad, we love you, but... 490 00:17:40,915 --> 00:17:42,981 ...you don't know what medium-rare is. 491 00:17:43,050 --> 00:17:44,416 I've... I've given you a meat thermometer 492 00:17:44,485 --> 00:17:45,751 for three Father's Days in a row. 493 00:17:45,853 --> 00:17:47,052 For the love of God, just use one! 494 00:17:47,121 --> 00:17:49,021 Fine. See if I care. 495 00:17:49,090 --> 00:17:51,490 But I don't know what you have against me today... 496 00:17:51,592 --> 00:17:53,192 kicking a man off his own grill, 497 00:17:53,294 --> 00:17:54,860 making fun of my Mint Jay-leps. 498 00:17:54,962 --> 00:17:57,496 You made fun of his Mint Jay-leps? 499 00:17:57,598 --> 00:17:59,264 He did them for you. 500 00:17:59,981 --> 00:18:01,914 - What? - I don't know what she's talking about. 501 00:18:01,983 --> 00:18:04,283 The minute Jay created the Jay-leps, 502 00:18:04,352 --> 00:18:06,886 all he could keep saying was, 503 00:18:06,988 --> 00:18:08,654 "Phil's gonna get such a kick out of this." 504 00:18:08,757 --> 00:18:10,390 But he didn't! He said it was dumb! 505 00:18:10,492 --> 00:18:12,191 He said it was an old lady's drink! 506 00:18:12,260 --> 00:18:14,093 Since when do you care what I think? 507 00:18:14,162 --> 00:18:15,261 Always! 508 00:18:15,330 --> 00:18:16,829 He thinks that you're the life of the party. 509 00:18:16,931 --> 00:18:18,097 He wants to be more like you. 510 00:18:18,199 --> 00:18:20,299 All I've said is that sometimes 511 00:18:20,368 --> 00:18:22,935 I envy people who don't mind being an ass 512 00:18:23,037 --> 00:18:24,337 because they're having fun, 513 00:18:24,406 --> 00:18:25,972 and I guess... 514 00:18:26,074 --> 00:18:27,473 you're one of those people. 515 00:18:27,575 --> 00:18:28,975 Wow, so all this time, 516 00:18:29,077 --> 00:18:31,744 you've been mean to me because you admire me so much? 517 00:18:31,846 --> 00:18:34,814 Hey, look at me. 518 00:18:35,270 --> 00:18:37,237 I loved those Mint Jay-leps. 519 00:18:37,339 --> 00:18:38,638 - You did? - Yeah. 520 00:18:38,740 --> 00:18:40,373 Did you hear that, Gloria? He did. 521 00:18:40,442 --> 00:18:42,075 I only trashed them because of what you called me 522 00:18:42,177 --> 00:18:43,743 when I was dancing at the wedding. 523 00:18:43,860 --> 00:18:46,594 What? Flail Dunphy? Shrill Dummy? 524 00:18:46,663 --> 00:18:48,162 When you dropped your drink... Spill Bumbly? 525 00:18:48,231 --> 00:18:49,397 Michael Jerkson. 526 00:18:49,466 --> 00:18:51,065 Yeah. I forgot about that one. 527 00:18:51,167 --> 00:18:53,868 - I'm sorry. - Don't... don't worry about it. 528 00:18:53,970 --> 00:18:55,002 What are we doing? 529 00:18:55,105 --> 00:18:57,004 Did you just call me "Sport"? 530 00:18:59,175 --> 00:19:01,309 Haley. 531 00:19:01,411 --> 00:19:02,977 I had a feeling it was gonna be you. 532 00:19:03,079 --> 00:19:04,312 You buzzed me in the gate. 533 00:19:04,414 --> 00:19:06,581 - Do you have a minute? - Sure, my roommates and I 534 00:19:06,649 --> 00:19:09,049 are just studying for physiology midterms. 535 00:19:09,447 --> 00:19:11,447 - She cute. - Thanks, girl. 536 00:19:11,516 --> 00:19:12,582 That hair is on point. 537 00:19:12,684 --> 00:19:14,817 I bought it yesterday. 538 00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:16,286 Can we talk out here? 539 00:19:20,358 --> 00:19:21,858 Listen, I need you to know that 540 00:19:21,927 --> 00:19:23,393 that kiss never should have happened. 541 00:19:23,495 --> 00:19:26,296 Arvin and I are together, and you and I are friends, 542 00:19:26,364 --> 00:19:27,964 and that's all we're ever going to be. 543 00:19:28,066 --> 00:19:29,632 No, thank you. 544 00:19:29,734 --> 00:19:31,935 "No, thank you"? I didn't ask you a question. 545 00:19:32,003 --> 00:19:33,569 Well, let me ask you one. 546 00:19:33,638 --> 00:19:36,439 It's been 10 years, and I can't move on from you. 547 00:19:36,508 --> 00:19:38,408 Also not a question. 548 00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:39,943 Remember the day we met? 549 00:19:40,045 --> 00:19:41,144 I was walking through the halls, 550 00:19:41,246 --> 00:19:43,313 and I saw the most beautiful girl, 551 00:19:43,381 --> 00:19:45,148 and I was like, "Whoa! Who is that?" 552 00:19:45,250 --> 00:19:47,417 And you were like, "That's Rebecca Salkin." 553 00:19:47,485 --> 00:19:49,285 And then I turned and saw you for the first time, 554 00:19:49,387 --> 00:19:51,821 and I was done with Rebecca Salkin. 555 00:19:52,125 --> 00:19:55,627 Yeah, you were wearing that cool, beat-up Army jacket, 556 00:19:55,696 --> 00:19:59,030 and I was completely jealous of your eyelashes. 557 00:19:59,099 --> 00:20:00,765 Haley... 558 00:20:00,834 --> 00:20:03,635 I fell in love with you that day, and I've never stopped. 559 00:20:03,704 --> 00:20:07,005 I'm gonna keep making myself better until I deserve you. 560 00:20:08,942 --> 00:20:11,543 � 561 00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:14,879 Why is it so hard to be honest in relationships? 562 00:20:14,981 --> 00:20:16,648 We play games. 563 00:20:16,750 --> 00:20:18,216 We keep secrets... 564 00:20:20,253 --> 00:20:22,721 I don't remember crying to you about that kiss. 565 00:20:22,789 --> 00:20:24,556 The truth wasn't moving the needle. 566 00:20:24,658 --> 00:20:25,724 You're welcome. 567 00:20:25,826 --> 00:20:27,358 ...when all we want to do is connect. 568 00:20:27,461 --> 00:20:29,227 Everyone, listen up! 569 00:20:29,329 --> 00:20:30,495 Hi, I'm Sherry. 570 00:20:30,597 --> 00:20:33,064 I'm Manny's real Canadian girlfriend. 571 00:20:33,166 --> 00:20:34,899 This isn't the first time I've had to do this. 572 00:20:35,001 --> 00:20:36,142 Hi! 573 00:20:36,177 --> 00:20:37,802 - Hey! - Hola! 574 00:20:38,739 --> 00:20:43,274 I guess we have to start with being honest with ourselves. 575 00:20:43,376 --> 00:20:44,943 And if I'm being honest... 576 00:20:46,713 --> 00:20:48,813 ...I love two people. 577 00:20:50,016 --> 00:20:51,349 Damn it! 578 00:20:52,305 --> 00:20:54,526 Can we go? Are we waiting for cake, or...? 579 00:20:54,561 --> 00:20:57,021 - Is it a birthday? - Should I make a toast? 580 00:20:57,056 --> 00:20:58,070 -To what? -To whom? 581 00:20:58,105 --> 00:21:01,665 All right! It's come to my attention through a series of assumptions, 582 00:21:01,690 --> 00:21:04,398 old e-mails and lazy sheep-like thinking 583 00:21:04,423 --> 00:21:06,958 that we may have gathered for no reason! 584 00:21:06,983 --> 00:21:08,883 So it's not my welcome home party? 585 00:21:08,908 --> 00:21:10,226 - Of course it... - No! 586 00:21:10,251 --> 00:21:12,398 Your mother thought Alex won an award she didn't 587 00:21:12,423 --> 00:21:13,778 and the dry spell continues. 588 00:21:13,803 --> 00:21:17,261 Please, the last thing I'm having is a dry... spell... 589 00:21:18,346 --> 00:21:20,245 People, listen up! There are too many 590 00:21:20,270 --> 00:21:22,350 actual reasons for us to see each other. 591 00:21:22,375 --> 00:21:25,433 We cannot afford to hang out by mistake! 592 00:21:25,458 --> 00:21:27,333 I love you all, now go home. 593 00:21:27,358 --> 00:21:28,446 - Okay. - Great. 594 00:21:28,471 --> 00:21:33,471 Synced and corrected by BLuk www.addic7ed.com 595 00:21:34,305 --> 00:22:34,802 Please rate this subtitle at www.osdb.link/6vtjt Help other users to choose the best subtitles 43249

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