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1
00:00:06,423 --> 00:00:10,677
♪ Once there was
a thing called spring ♪
2
00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:15,974
♪ When the world was writing
verses like yours and mine ♪
3
00:00:16,056 --> 00:00:21,146
♪ All the boys
and girls would sing ♪
4
00:00:21,229 --> 00:00:27,944
♪ As we sat at little tables
and drank May wine ♪
5
00:00:28,027 --> 00:00:30,780
♪ Now April, May, and June ♪
6
00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:33,950
♪ Seem sadly out of tune ♪
7
00:00:34,033 --> 00:00:40,373
♪ Life has stuck
a pin in the balloon ♪
8
00:00:41,791 --> 00:00:48,631
♪ Spring is here ♪
9
00:00:48,715 --> 00:00:54,220
♪ Why doesn't
my heart go dancing ♪
10
00:00:54,304 --> 00:01:05,857
♪ Spring is here ♪
11
00:01:05,940 --> 00:01:12,405
♪ I hear ♪
12
00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:21,623
Actual tear stains
on the page.
13
00:01:21,706 --> 00:01:24,167
I went through two boxes
of tissues, goddamn you.
14
00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:27,462
I'm sorry about that,
but I am relieved.
15
00:01:27,545 --> 00:01:30,799
Your message was so cryptic,
I was afraid you hated it.
16
00:01:30,882 --> 00:01:34,928
I loved it!
I had to tell you in person,
so you could see this.
17
00:01:35,011 --> 00:01:37,847
- (chuckles)
- I wanna fast-track it
for the Christmas season.
18
00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:40,225
Oh my gosh.
Oh, that's great.
19
00:01:40,308 --> 00:01:42,560
- I just have one note.
- Okay.
20
00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:47,816
This whole thing is...
so raw and honest,
21
00:01:47,899 --> 00:01:50,276
and, let's face it, brutal.
22
00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:51,903
I mean, you spend
your whole career
23
00:01:51,986 --> 00:01:54,197
writing about
your quest for love,
24
00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:56,574
and then,
you finally find it...
25
00:01:56,658 --> 00:01:58,701
and then he dies.
26
00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:01,788
It's pretty dark.
It's a real departure
for you as a writer.
27
00:02:01,871 --> 00:02:02,163
Well...
28
00:02:04,123 --> 00:02:07,877
that's what happened...
He departed.
29
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:11,840
But, you're known for
writing "Sex and the City."
30
00:02:11,923 --> 00:02:13,424
I'm afraid if we
publish this as is,
31
00:02:13,508 --> 00:02:15,343
your readers are gonna pitch
themselves out the window
32
00:02:15,426 --> 00:02:16,261
clutching their tubs
of Häagen-Dazs.
33
00:02:16,344 --> 00:02:20,390
Oh, well, that is
certainly not what I want.
34
00:02:20,473 --> 00:02:21,891
No. (laughs)
35
00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:24,894
I would love, and I think
this is very doable,
36
00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:27,814
if you could give
the reader some
element of hope.
37
00:02:27,897 --> 00:02:32,193
- Hm.
- AMANDA: Just a suggestion
of a brighter future.
38
00:02:32,277 --> 00:02:34,904
I mean, for example...
I imagine, at some point,
39
00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:37,907
you're gonna start
dating again, right?
40
00:02:39,492 --> 00:02:40,410
Um, I--
41
00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:43,538
I, I mean, I'm not even
thinking about that yet.
42
00:02:43,621 --> 00:02:45,081
I hear you...
43
00:02:45,164 --> 00:02:48,334
but... if there's
a tiny part of you
44
00:02:48,418 --> 00:02:52,422
that's open to the idea
of even just one date...
45
00:02:52,505 --> 00:02:55,717
it would be great
if it could happen
in the next few weeks.
46
00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:59,345
I would love to hit that
stocking stuffer deadline.
47
00:03:00,763 --> 00:03:02,557
Uh, you want me
to go on a date?
48
00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:04,434
Ooh, just to be clear,
I am just talking about
49
00:03:04,517 --> 00:03:07,395
a toe dip into
the dating pool.
One guy.
50
00:03:07,478 --> 00:03:08,897
It doesn't have
to be a whole chapter.
51
00:03:08,980 --> 00:03:11,608
It could just be
an epilogue.
52
00:03:11,691 --> 00:03:14,110
A single page,
half a page.
53
00:03:14,193 --> 00:03:17,780
Just... lookin' for
that glimmer of hope.
54
00:03:18,156 --> 00:03:19,365
Okay.
55
00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:22,744
CHARLOTTE:
I'm here, I'm here.
56
00:03:22,827 --> 00:03:23,786
Sorry.
Sorry I'm late,
57
00:03:23,870 --> 00:03:24,996
but I have good news.
58
00:03:25,079 --> 00:03:26,623
Carrie agreed to be
an auction item
59
00:03:26,706 --> 00:03:29,083
at the school benefit.
60
00:03:29,167 --> 00:03:31,753
- Sorry, it took so long.
- No, that's great.
61
00:03:31,836 --> 00:03:33,296
I'm sorry if I was
being pushy about it.
62
00:03:33,379 --> 00:03:35,465
The benefit committee's
just all over me to get
63
00:03:35,548 --> 00:03:36,966
more flashy auction items.
64
00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:39,344
Oh, and remember,
for this match,
65
00:03:39,427 --> 00:03:40,303
the redhead is
deadly at the net.
66
00:03:40,386 --> 00:03:42,931
Right, and the other one
has that killer serve.
67
00:03:43,014 --> 00:03:43,973
I could barely
return it last time.
68
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,183
TENNIS PLAYER:
Let's go! Come on!
69
00:03:47,268 --> 00:03:50,271
("Eye Of The Tiger"
by Survivor playing)
70
00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:54,859
- Oh, we can beat these bitches.
- Oh, we can, and we will.
71
00:03:54,943 --> 00:03:57,195
♪ ♪
72
00:04:00,198 --> 00:04:02,742
- Good one!
- Push it!
73
00:04:02,825 --> 00:04:06,746
♪ Face to face,
out in the heat ♪
74
00:04:06,829 --> 00:04:08,706
- ♪ Hanging tough,
staying hungry ♪
- LISA: Charlotte!
75
00:04:08,790 --> 00:04:11,292
Kill it! Nice!
76
00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:13,753
♪ They stack the odds
'til we take to the street ♪
77
00:04:13,836 --> 00:04:14,879
- Let's go!
- ♪ For the kill ♪
78
00:04:14,963 --> 00:04:19,007
♪ With the skill to survive ♪
79
00:04:19,091 --> 00:04:21,344
- Yeah!
- ♪ It's the eye of the tiger ♪
80
00:04:21,427 --> 00:04:22,512
- Crush it! Yes!
- ♪ It's the thrill
of the fight ♪
81
00:04:22,595 --> 00:04:27,850
♪ Rising up to
the challenge
of our rival ♪
82
00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:30,061
- ♪ And the last
known survivor ♪
- It's yours!
83
00:04:30,144 --> 00:04:31,187
- ♪ Stalks his prey
in the night ♪
- CHARLOTTE: Good one.
84
00:04:31,270 --> 00:04:34,524
- ♪ And he's watching us all ♪
- Yeah!
85
00:04:34,607 --> 00:04:36,859
♪ With the eye ♪
86
00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:38,903
- ♪ Of the tiger ♪
- (laughing)
87
00:04:40,321 --> 00:04:43,199
MIRANDA:
I don't understand
where you are.
88
00:04:43,282 --> 00:04:46,494
I'm exactly where
I said I would be.
89
00:04:46,577 --> 00:04:50,707
No! That's the bad vegetable
stand where the guy's mean.
90
00:04:50,790 --> 00:04:52,834
I'm at the good place,
farthest from our house
91
00:04:52,917 --> 00:04:54,711
with the squash...
opposite end.
92
00:04:54,794 --> 00:04:57,296
Steve, can you hear me?
93
00:04:59,340 --> 00:05:01,009
Just find me, okay?!
94
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,680
Hi, um, what are
the green ones called?
95
00:05:05,763 --> 00:05:08,891
Miranda Hobbes, you are
failing heirloom tomatoes.
96
00:05:08,975 --> 00:05:12,186
- Oh my god! Hi!
- DR. WALLACE: Hi! Ha, ha.
97
00:05:12,270 --> 00:05:14,772
Okay, I never wanted
you two to meet,
but here we are,
98
00:05:14,856 --> 00:05:16,899
so, Miranda Hobbes,
this is my husband,
99
00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:18,401
- Andre Rashad.
- MIRANDA: Hey.
100
00:05:18,484 --> 00:05:20,403
- Andre, this is Miranda.
- Hey, nice to meet the woman
101
00:05:20,486 --> 00:05:22,530
- that beat up Chucky
in the subway.
- Oh.
102
00:05:22,613 --> 00:05:24,157
Yeah, I hear things.
103
00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:26,075
It's my greatest
accomplishment.
104
00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:28,327
I, I am still having
nightmares, though.
105
00:05:28,411 --> 00:05:29,412
(laughing)
106
00:05:29,495 --> 00:05:31,247
Hey, should I run over
to the cheese woman?
107
00:05:31,330 --> 00:05:33,124
- I want to stay ahead of
a dangerous cheese shortage.
- Oh.
108
00:05:33,207 --> 00:05:35,334
He's not tryin'
to impress you.
109
00:05:35,418 --> 00:05:36,836
He really
is this cute.
110
00:05:37,837 --> 00:05:39,130
Be right back.
111
00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:44,260
Oh my god.
That kiss.
112
00:05:44,343 --> 00:05:47,972
If you two were a TV show,
I would be streaming you.
113
00:05:48,056 --> 00:05:50,683
Oh, well, it
would be a drama
114
00:05:50,767 --> 00:05:52,769
'cause I got
my period this morning.
115
00:05:52,852 --> 00:05:55,855
Oh shit.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear.
116
00:05:55,938 --> 00:05:58,274
Yeah, we're still,
you know, off the IVF,
117
00:05:58,357 --> 00:06:01,360
but trying, and I was
almost two weeks late.
118
00:06:01,444 --> 00:06:03,905
- Mm.
- I shouldn't have told him.
119
00:06:03,988 --> 00:06:05,323
I mean, the man is good
at a lot of things,
120
00:06:05,406 --> 00:06:08,618
but cautious optimism
is not one of them.
121
00:06:08,701 --> 00:06:11,662
(sighs) I am dreading
telling him, Miranda.
122
00:06:11,746 --> 00:06:13,790
I am so done
with all of this.
123
00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:15,792
STEVE:
Hey...
124
00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:16,667
This place is bullshit.
125
00:06:16,751 --> 00:06:19,128
Why do they keep movin'
everything around?
126
00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:22,757
Oh, Steve, Steve,
this is, uh, Nya,
my professor.
127
00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:25,384
- DR. WALLACE: Hey.
- I have been dying to meet you.
128
00:06:25,468 --> 00:06:28,596
You are the only person
I know who intimidates her.
129
00:06:28,679 --> 00:06:31,974
- (all laughing)
- I think we intimidate
each other, actually.
130
00:06:32,058 --> 00:06:34,185
STEVE:
Ah, my wallet! Shit!
131
00:06:34,268 --> 00:06:36,896
You know, y-you got me
so freakin' distracted
132
00:06:36,979 --> 00:06:38,689
when you're yellin' at me
about the squash guy,
133
00:06:38,773 --> 00:06:41,984
I left my, I left my wallet
over where the pickle guy
134
00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:44,737
who used to be over
in that corner.
135
00:06:44,821 --> 00:06:45,822
I, I gotta,
I gotta go get it.
136
00:06:45,905 --> 00:06:49,158
Um, really nice to meet you,
Professor, all right?
137
00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:49,450
- Oh, sorry.
- No worries.
138
00:06:52,453 --> 00:06:54,497
So, that's my Steve.
139
00:06:54,580 --> 00:06:57,208
- Here comes my guy,
so would you--
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
140
00:06:57,291 --> 00:06:59,293
- Got the last of the Bloomsday.
- MIRANDA: Ooh.
141
00:06:59,377 --> 00:07:00,920
- There we go.
- See?
142
00:07:02,755 --> 00:07:04,549
(up-tempo music playing)
143
00:07:06,759 --> 00:07:08,761
Hi.
144
00:07:10,972 --> 00:07:13,391
Oh, Amanda?
145
00:07:13,474 --> 00:07:16,686
Mm, Carrie. Shit. (laughs)
146
00:07:16,769 --> 00:07:19,313
- Sorry to drop in,
um, unannounced.
- No, no, no. I love it.
147
00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:21,983
You just caught me
with a milk mustache.
I mean, what am I? Five?
148
00:07:22,066 --> 00:07:23,860
This is my fourth
cappuccino today.
149
00:07:23,943 --> 00:07:25,361
I think...
I've lost track.
150
00:07:25,444 --> 00:07:26,571
Come sit with me
while I vibrate.
151
00:07:26,654 --> 00:07:27,822
Oh, do you want one?
They're free.
152
00:07:27,905 --> 00:07:30,074
Oh, no. I'm, I'm good.
Thank you. Thank you.
153
00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:32,702
So... what's up?
154
00:07:32,785 --> 00:07:38,708
Well, um, I, I got
the book cover proposals
that you sent over,
155
00:07:38,791 --> 00:07:40,710
and now, I'm worried.
156
00:07:40,793 --> 00:07:41,544
Oh my god.
157
00:07:41,627 --> 00:07:43,379
I thought the covers
were stunning,
158
00:07:43,462 --> 00:07:49,844
especially number two
and... number five.
159
00:07:49,927 --> 00:07:54,056
So spare and arresting.
Just takes my breath away.
160
00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:56,642
But, maybe,
the book is too heavy.
161
00:07:56,726 --> 00:07:57,727
You know, I mean,
even you said that
162
00:07:57,810 --> 00:07:59,979
my readers don't want
all that sadness from me.
163
00:08:00,062 --> 00:08:02,607
Maybe, I just--
164
00:08:02,690 --> 00:08:05,693
Maybe, I just needed
to write the book for myself.
165
00:08:07,236 --> 00:08:09,405
I respectfully disagree.
166
00:08:09,488 --> 00:08:13,326
In fact, when I pitched
the idea of the epilogue
167
00:08:13,409 --> 00:08:15,745
to Oprah's Book Club people,
168
00:08:15,828 --> 00:08:19,916
they got very excited,
and said they were
definitely interested.
169
00:08:19,999 --> 00:08:23,377
- Oprah? Really?
- Mmm-hmm.
170
00:08:23,461 --> 00:08:26,756
- So, I guess
I'm goin' on a date.
- (Charlotte gasps)
171
00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:29,091
I've been waiting
for you to be ready.
172
00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:31,761
We had this whole
wave of divorces
at school this year,
173
00:08:31,844 --> 00:08:36,474
and I know three
adorable dads who'll be
fighting over you.
174
00:08:36,557 --> 00:08:37,725
Well, I'm not
exactly ready.
175
00:08:37,808 --> 00:08:39,477
It was mandated
by my editor...
176
00:08:40,727 --> 00:08:41,270
and Oprah.
177
00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:43,272
- Really?
- Seriously?
178
00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:46,275
Well, when Oprah
mandates a man date,
179
00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:48,402
- what're you gonna do?
- Date a man.
180
00:08:48,486 --> 00:08:52,198
- (laughs) Yeah.
- And I thought about it,
and I figured...
181
00:08:52,281 --> 00:08:56,786
- if I can lighten my hair,
I can lighten my book, right?
- CHARLOTTE: Yes.
182
00:08:56,869 --> 00:08:59,247
Oh, and they're all
gonna be at the benefit,
183
00:08:59,330 --> 00:09:00,915
so you can meet them there.
184
00:09:00,998 --> 00:09:02,458
No one anyone knows.
185
00:09:02,541 --> 00:09:04,293
You know,
I'd rather, I'd rather
186
00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:05,461
go the anonymous route,
187
00:09:05,544 --> 00:09:06,921
since this is,
basically, a stunt,
188
00:09:07,004 --> 00:09:09,966
you know, to give my, my
readers a glimmer of hope.
189
00:09:10,049 --> 00:09:12,301
Is there an app
that knocks you out
190
00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:13,928
while they post
your photos,
191
00:09:14,011 --> 00:09:14,762
fill out those questionnaires,
192
00:09:14,845 --> 00:09:17,056
and, oh my god,
I'm gonna be sick.
193
00:09:17,139 --> 00:09:19,475
It's already done.
I listed you on
three different sites.
194
00:09:19,558 --> 00:09:21,477
I narrowed it down to one.
I don't want to waste your time.
195
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:24,272
- When?
- Valentine's Day
on my lunch break.
196
00:09:24,355 --> 00:09:25,982
Nobody buys real estate
in the winter,
197
00:09:26,065 --> 00:09:27,858
so I decided to list you.
198
00:09:27,942 --> 00:09:30,319
You staged me,
like an apartment?
199
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:32,154
You're doing very well.
200
00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:33,948
There's a lot of buzz.
201
00:09:34,031 --> 00:09:36,909
- Am I?
- Yeah... check it out.
202
00:09:36,993 --> 00:09:39,495
- Let me see, let me see.
- Yeah, let's see!
203
00:09:39,578 --> 00:09:41,289
- (Miranda gasps)
- CHARLOTTE: Oh my.
204
00:09:41,372 --> 00:09:43,332
- I'll date the dog.
- (all laughing)
205
00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:45,960
Well, he's
objectively handsome.
206
00:09:46,043 --> 00:09:47,211
To who?
207
00:09:48,087 --> 00:09:49,922
Why is he chewing
his glasses?
208
00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:53,175
In my experience,
glasses chewers
are good in bed.
209
00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:55,094
Doesn't he look
like he would be?
210
00:09:55,177 --> 00:09:57,346
All right,
no sex for me,
indefinitely.
211
00:09:57,430 --> 00:10:00,349
All I need out
of this is pleasant
enough conversation,
212
00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:02,518
so I can be
a stocking stuffer.
213
00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:06,981
So, no sex for you...
ever?
214
00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:10,526
Well, honestly,
the thought of never
having it again
215
00:10:10,609 --> 00:10:14,780
feels really strange,
but the thought of...
216
00:10:16,073 --> 00:10:17,533
having sex with anyone
217
00:10:17,616 --> 00:10:18,617
other than Big
just makes me...
218
00:10:20,953 --> 00:10:23,414
- sick to my stomach.
- Yeah, makes sense.
219
00:10:23,497 --> 00:10:26,167
But maybe I've had
my share of all that.
220
00:10:26,250 --> 00:10:28,210
You know, when I look
back at my dating life,
221
00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:29,587
it was such
a roller coaster,
222
00:10:29,670 --> 00:10:33,549
and I'm talking one of
those old, wooden ones
223
00:10:33,632 --> 00:10:36,218
where it's more
life-threatening than fun.
224
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:39,972
Oh, I would kill
to get back on
the roller coaster.
225
00:10:40,056 --> 00:10:42,475
I've been riding
the monorail for too long.
226
00:10:43,601 --> 00:10:45,561
I was hoping things
were better with Steve,
227
00:10:45,644 --> 00:10:46,979
'cause you hadn't
said anything.
228
00:10:47,063 --> 00:10:49,565
No.
229
00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:52,818
As I've always said,
"No news is no news."
230
00:10:54,487 --> 00:11:00,534
Speaking of,
what's the lifespan
of an unanswered text?
231
00:11:00,618 --> 00:11:03,204
Three days,
three weeks,
three months?
232
00:11:03,287 --> 00:11:05,748
Three months?
Try three hours.
233
00:11:09,585 --> 00:11:10,669
- Che, huh?
- Yeah.
234
00:11:14,423 --> 00:11:17,468
They never ask about me
at the podcast, do they?
235
00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:22,098
You know,
Che's been back and forth
to L.A. a few times,
236
00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:24,892
and you...
listen to the podcast.
237
00:11:24,975 --> 00:11:28,479
- They ride all the rides.
- (sighs) So...
238
00:11:29,772 --> 00:11:34,068
guess I'll have
to file that away
as a crazy one-off,
239
00:11:34,151 --> 00:11:37,321
and resign myself
to having a dead sex life.
240
00:11:38,697 --> 00:11:41,659
I can't believe
that I had the most
241
00:11:41,742 --> 00:11:42,618
transcendent sex
of my life...
242
00:11:44,912 --> 00:11:46,914
and it'll never
happen again.
243
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:49,291
Well...
244
00:11:49,875 --> 00:11:52,461
I know how you feel.
245
00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:54,630
But Big is,
actually, dead.
246
00:11:56,757 --> 00:11:59,468
Maybe your sex life
with Steve is...
247
00:12:00,386 --> 00:12:03,472
- just in a deep coma?
- Mm.
248
00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:06,475
- CHARLOTTE: Hey, honey.
- Hey!
249
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,978
You havin' a little
midnight toast?
250
00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:10,980
- I felt like a nosh.
- Oh.
251
00:12:11,063 --> 00:12:12,815
So, I ran into Herbert Wexley
on the subway today.
252
00:12:12,898 --> 00:12:16,152
Since when does
Herbert Wexley
ride the subway?
253
00:12:16,235 --> 00:12:17,486
My guess is
he thinks it'll
boost his street cred
254
00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:20,281
- if he ever runs for mayor.
- Oh!
255
00:12:20,364 --> 00:12:24,160
Anyway, we bonded
over our wives' mutual
tennis addiction.
256
00:12:24,243 --> 00:12:27,538
Oh, that reminds me.
We're actually playing
again tomorrow morning.
257
00:12:27,621 --> 00:12:32,209
- You know...
I'm not half bad at tennis.
- Oh?
258
00:12:32,293 --> 00:12:35,171
- Herbert said he
played in high school.
- Uh-huh.
259
00:12:35,254 --> 00:12:38,841
How come you never
ask the boys to join
for some mixed doubles?
260
00:12:38,924 --> 00:12:42,928
- Never occurred to me.
- Is it occurring to you now?
261
00:12:43,012 --> 00:12:47,224
Harry... would you like
to play some doubles with us?
262
00:12:47,308 --> 00:12:48,684
I would love that.
263
00:12:52,396 --> 00:12:53,606
Uh, Cubana House
has a table at 6:30.
264
00:12:53,689 --> 00:12:56,734
- Are we feeling Cuban tonight?
- Sí.
265
00:12:56,817 --> 00:12:59,528
- Why is this guy on my tail?
- CAR: Car play activated.
266
00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:02,698
TEXT FROM MIRANDA:
"So sorry
you're not pregnant,
267
00:13:02,781 --> 00:13:06,285
and I hope it went well
when you told AR."
268
00:13:06,368 --> 00:13:07,453
- DR. WALLACE: Shit!
- ANDRE RASHAD: Wait-- Just, Nya.
269
00:13:07,536 --> 00:13:09,121
- Just stop. Just drive.
- "...you two seem like a really
270
00:13:09,205 --> 00:13:10,831
- "strong, happy couple.
- It's too late.
271
00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:12,541
- It's too late. I heard it.
- "Heart emoji.
272
00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:14,668
- Heart emoji. Miranda."
- Sorry.
273
00:13:14,752 --> 00:13:16,879
I was gonna tell you
I got my period.
274
00:13:16,962 --> 00:13:19,673
And you, you told one of your
students before you told me?
275
00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:21,926
- Well, not exactly. It was--
- Red light, red light!
276
00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:25,221
- (tires screech)
- Oh! My god!
277
00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:28,766
- Sorry, are you okay?
- No, I'm not okay.
278
00:13:31,143 --> 00:13:32,520
You want to tell me why
I'm learnin' this news
279
00:13:32,603 --> 00:13:34,563
from Stephen Hawking
instead of my own wife?
280
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:37,066
Excuse me?
Yes, hello.
281
00:13:37,149 --> 00:13:38,734
You might wanna watch
where you're going!
282
00:13:38,817 --> 00:13:41,195
- I'm really sorry.
- It's a red light!
283
00:13:41,278 --> 00:13:43,489
I mean, open your eyes!
It's a crosswalk!
284
00:13:43,572 --> 00:13:46,116
- Sir, she said she was sorry.
- I have a toddler!
285
00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:47,826
Okay, sir, you need
to check yourself.
286
00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:48,494
You need to check yourself!
287
00:13:48,577 --> 00:13:51,121
Is he seriously comin' for me?
288
00:13:51,205 --> 00:13:55,417
I have a toddler!
289
00:13:59,338 --> 00:14:01,423
He has a toddler.
290
00:14:05,427 --> 00:14:07,471
(horn honks)
291
00:14:09,431 --> 00:14:12,268
Look, I'm, I'm
really, really sorry.
292
00:14:12,351 --> 00:14:14,228
"Sorry that I learned
about it from a robot,"
293
00:14:14,311 --> 00:14:14,979
or, "Sorry this
isn't happenin'?"
294
00:14:16,397 --> 00:14:17,648
Both.
295
00:14:19,191 --> 00:14:21,402
(melancholy music playing)
296
00:14:21,485 --> 00:14:23,862
♪ ♪
297
00:14:41,922 --> 00:14:42,631
We're comin' to get you guys.
Look out!
298
00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:45,217
Yeah, that's
what you think!
299
00:14:46,552 --> 00:14:48,679
- (grunts)
- CHARLOTTE: Nice shot!
300
00:14:50,598 --> 00:14:51,515
- Got this one.
- HERBERT: Nice shot.
301
00:14:51,599 --> 00:14:54,226
- (grunts)
- HARRY: Good one, babe.
302
00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:55,811
- Uh!
- LISA: Nice, baby.
303
00:14:55,894 --> 00:14:57,521
- CHARLOTTE: No!
- (Lisa laughing)
304
00:14:57,605 --> 00:15:00,232
Babe, you gotta
go for the ball.
305
00:15:00,316 --> 00:15:02,151
I told you, don't hold back.
306
00:15:02,234 --> 00:15:03,819
I could say the same to you.
307
00:15:03,902 --> 00:15:06,989
(laughs)
You know what they call this
part of the court, don't ya?
308
00:15:07,072 --> 00:15:09,033
- Divorce Alley.
- Whatever.
309
00:15:09,116 --> 00:15:10,659
This is match point.
Let's just stay loose.
We got this.
310
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:13,412
- LISA: Let's go, guys.
- Here we go.
311
00:15:15,247 --> 00:15:16,665
CHARLOTTE:
I got it!
312
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:18,292
- (thud)
- (Harry grunts)
313
00:15:18,375 --> 00:15:19,960
HERBERT:
It's yours! Sorry.
314
00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:21,670
Damn you!
315
00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:23,547
Woo! (laughs)
316
00:15:23,631 --> 00:15:27,885
Woo! Oh, honey, are you okay?
317
00:15:27,968 --> 00:15:30,638
I'm okay, I'm okay.
318
00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:34,141
(grunts)
Just an old Jewish guy
tryin' to play sports.
319
00:15:34,224 --> 00:15:35,893
CHARLOTTE:
That was thrilling!
320
00:15:35,976 --> 00:15:39,021
I'm so relieved.
It can be dicey to play
with other couples
321
00:15:39,104 --> 00:15:39,897
'cause you never know
how it's gonna go,
322
00:15:39,980 --> 00:15:42,483
but I think we were
really well matched.
323
00:15:42,566 --> 00:15:44,026
Why are you
so quiet, Harry?
324
00:15:44,109 --> 00:15:47,237
Well, don't you
have somethin' you
want to say to me?
325
00:15:47,321 --> 00:15:50,032
- Like what?
- Maybe, "I'm sorry."
326
00:15:50,115 --> 00:15:53,077
- Sorry for what?
- Ya knocked me over, babe.
327
00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:56,246
- By accident.
- Yeah, but you never
even said "sorry."
328
00:15:56,330 --> 00:15:57,665
It hurt my feelings.
329
00:15:57,748 --> 00:15:59,875
Are you serious
right now?
330
00:15:59,958 --> 00:16:03,087
- It's common courtesy.
- We were playing tennis.
331
00:16:03,170 --> 00:16:04,588
And there's no rule
against the word
"sorry" in tennis.
332
00:16:04,672 --> 00:16:08,592
I went for the ball,
which you had literally
just mansplained me to do.
333
00:16:08,676 --> 00:16:11,970
- Wait, what now?
- You heard me.
334
00:16:12,054 --> 00:16:14,139
You can be a bit
of a mansplainer,
335
00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:15,099
but I had let it go
on the court
336
00:16:15,182 --> 00:16:16,725
because you're my partner,
and you have to let
337
00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:19,186
the annoying stuff go
if you wanna win.
338
00:16:19,269 --> 00:16:22,606
And we did win,
but I got knocked down
in the process,
339
00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:25,401
- and I'm just asking
for a simple apology.
- That's insane!
340
00:16:25,484 --> 00:16:28,570
- I'm not apologizing!
- What's the big deal?
It's two words!
341
00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:30,155
You're making
it a big deal
342
00:16:30,239 --> 00:16:31,740
by bringing it up
in the first place!
343
00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:33,575
I could argue that you're
making it an even bigger deal
344
00:16:33,659 --> 00:16:37,371
by refusing to apologize.
Why is this so hard for you?
345
00:16:37,454 --> 00:16:41,291
Because I have nothing
to apologize for.
346
00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:44,086
We were playing a game.
What is wrong with you?
347
00:16:44,169 --> 00:16:45,879
Are you five years old now?
348
00:16:45,963 --> 00:16:47,798
No, I just feel like
I'm owed an apology.
349
00:16:47,881 --> 00:16:50,926
What is your
goddamn problem?!
350
00:16:51,009 --> 00:16:54,805
I will not apologize
for playing good tennis!
351
00:16:54,888 --> 00:16:57,933
You're driving me
fucking crazy!
352
00:17:06,942 --> 00:17:10,779
- Great... now they
think we're that couple.
- What couple?
353
00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:13,656
The couple who
fights in the street.
354
00:17:14,907 --> 00:17:16,326
(phone chimes)
355
00:17:16,410 --> 00:17:19,747
Goddammit.
If Frank bails on me
one more time--
356
00:17:19,829 --> 00:17:23,333
- I'm down to one busboy now.
- Oh, I'm sorry. That sucks.
357
00:17:23,416 --> 00:17:24,376
Yeah.
358
00:17:25,252 --> 00:17:29,131
- Hey... I have an idea.
- Just a sec.
359
00:17:29,214 --> 00:17:30,382
Mm-hm.
360
00:17:31,341 --> 00:17:32,217
STEVE: Whoa.
361
00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:37,598
Wait, wait, wait.
Hey, ooh. Hey.
362
00:17:37,681 --> 00:17:42,311
- What's... come over you?
- I'm, I'm just in the mood.
363
00:17:42,394 --> 00:17:42,978
It's been too long for me.
364
00:17:47,483 --> 00:17:49,318
Okay, but it's
not even 7:00.
365
00:17:49,401 --> 00:17:52,780
- Brady and Luisa might be
comin' through that door.
- Then hurry!
366
00:17:52,863 --> 00:17:55,574
Kiss my neck.
Come on, do it.
367
00:17:58,786 --> 00:18:00,245
Finger me.
368
00:18:01,330 --> 00:18:02,122
- Really?
- Yeah, really.
369
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:06,085
Hey. Hang on.
370
00:18:13,258 --> 00:18:15,511
I'm a little rusty.
371
00:18:15,594 --> 00:18:17,638
(whimsical music playing)
372
00:18:17,721 --> 00:18:19,723
♪ ♪
373
00:18:24,353 --> 00:18:26,105
Oh.
374
00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:32,319
Is that right?
375
00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:36,448
Um... well...
376
00:18:36,532 --> 00:18:38,617
um, here, here.
Here try this.
377
00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:40,828
- Huh?
- Here.
378
00:18:42,079 --> 00:18:42,871
Mm.
379
00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:55,884
You're a little-- Yeah.
380
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,886
You want me to
go get some lube?
381
00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:02,975
Uh... no.
I mean, I'll, I'll, I'll,
I'll get it. I'll get it.
382
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:07,062
You, uh, you want me
to put the lid on this,
383
00:19:07,145 --> 00:19:09,231
and put it in the fridge, huh?
384
00:19:09,314 --> 00:19:11,859
- Sure.
- They smell.
385
00:19:11,942 --> 00:19:14,319
Yeah, I, I guess
I should finish loading.
386
00:19:16,530 --> 00:19:21,910
Are you sure?
You really had me goin'
there for a minute?
387
00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:25,330
Uh-huh.
Let's, Let's just
have dessert.
388
00:19:26,206 --> 00:19:27,666
(dishes rattling)
389
00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:33,547
(light music playing)
390
00:19:33,630 --> 00:19:36,383
♪ ♪
391
00:19:55,777 --> 00:19:58,113
Hi, I'm Carrie.
392
00:19:58,196 --> 00:19:58,655
Peter.
It's nice to meet you.
393
00:19:58,739 --> 00:20:00,782
Yeah, likewise.
394
00:20:08,582 --> 00:20:09,917
(sighs)
395
00:20:14,713 --> 00:20:15,172
(both chuckle)
396
00:20:16,798 --> 00:20:17,132
So...
397
00:20:20,302 --> 00:20:22,346
I have to admit, um...
398
00:20:23,555 --> 00:20:26,558
this is my first date
since my wife died.
399
00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:28,518
Really?
Yeah, me too.
400
00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:30,812
Oh.
401
00:20:31,521 --> 00:20:32,606
Okay.
402
00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:36,151
How did your husband die,
if you don't mind me asking?
403
00:20:36,234 --> 00:20:39,321
No, um... he had
a heart attack.
404
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:43,742
- And your wife?
- Cancer, uh, ovarian.
405
00:20:46,745 --> 00:20:47,871
God.
406
00:20:53,919 --> 00:20:55,963
I think we're gonna
need some drinks.
407
00:20:56,922 --> 00:20:58,715
(chuckles)
Yes.
408
00:20:58,799 --> 00:21:01,343
(both laughing)
409
00:21:04,554 --> 00:21:06,515
I can't. I can't.
410
00:21:06,598 --> 00:21:09,267
I don't--
(laughs)
411
00:21:09,351 --> 00:21:09,393
(coughs)
412
00:21:10,811 --> 00:21:12,896
CARRIE:
Oh my god!
413
00:21:12,980 --> 00:21:15,357
- Oh.
- (both retching)
414
00:21:18,694 --> 00:21:22,280
- Oh my god, I'm sorry.
- (retching continues)
415
00:21:23,615 --> 00:21:24,408
Ugh.
416
00:21:25,742 --> 00:21:27,035
HERBERT:
Arbor School parents,
417
00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:28,870
we all know why we're
here this evening, right?
418
00:21:28,954 --> 00:21:30,872
We are here
to raise money,
419
00:21:30,956 --> 00:21:33,583
and I want to see all
of those arms raised
420
00:21:33,667 --> 00:21:36,920
when my lovely,
lovely co-host, Lisa,
421
00:21:37,004 --> 00:21:38,964
tells you about the next item
that we have up for auction.
422
00:21:39,047 --> 00:21:41,717
(softly)
Number 7278,
423
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:42,801
a rock-climbing
expedition.
424
00:21:42,884 --> 00:21:46,221
- Speak, speak into
the microphone.
- Oh, sorry.
425
00:21:46,304 --> 00:21:49,057
- I'm not an entertainer.
- (Herbert laughs)
426
00:21:49,141 --> 00:21:50,642
Number 7278,
a rock-climbing expedition.
427
00:21:50,726 --> 00:21:55,022
Sweetheart,
speak into the microphone,
or they won't hear you.
428
00:21:55,105 --> 00:21:59,401
Number 7278,
a rock-climbing expedition.
429
00:21:59,484 --> 00:22:01,528
HERBERT: (shouts)
For up to five people!
430
00:22:01,611 --> 00:22:02,529
Apologies to my readers.
431
00:22:02,612 --> 00:22:05,574
There is no light
at the end of the tunnel.
432
00:22:05,657 --> 00:22:08,201
- Just vomit.
- CHARLOTTE: That's awful!
433
00:22:08,285 --> 00:22:10,412
You're the one
that started this
whole dating again.
434
00:22:10,495 --> 00:22:13,331
- Me? It was Oprah.
- Just take the hit.
435
00:22:13,415 --> 00:22:15,292
I once shit myself
on a date.
436
00:22:16,293 --> 00:22:18,587
- What? I'm empathizing.
- I appreciate it,
437
00:22:18,670 --> 00:22:25,260
but unless you
shit yourself on a date
after your husband died,
438
00:22:25,343 --> 00:22:26,762
I win "worst night ever."
439
00:22:26,845 --> 00:22:29,056
Congratulations.
440
00:22:29,139 --> 00:22:30,640
(sighs) I can't find
the Stephen Colbert taping
441
00:22:30,724 --> 00:22:33,935
that Lily made us
swear we'd win for her
in the silent auction.
442
00:22:34,019 --> 00:22:36,229
That was for Rock,
and I already bid on it.
443
00:22:36,313 --> 00:22:38,315
Lily wants the vintage
sneaker thing.
444
00:22:38,398 --> 00:22:42,110
You guys, I have to
go help Harry, sorry.
445
00:22:42,194 --> 00:22:44,696
What?
Did you hear what you
just said just then?
446
00:22:44,780 --> 00:22:47,282
- What?
- "Sorry." You said "sorry."
447
00:22:48,366 --> 00:22:50,035
How did you shit
yourself on a date?
448
00:22:50,118 --> 00:22:52,162
Oh, good.
We're back here.
449
00:22:52,245 --> 00:22:54,081
Seventh grade.
450
00:22:54,164 --> 00:22:57,167
My parents made me
take Connie Delucca
out for ice cream.
451
00:22:57,250 --> 00:23:00,295
Ten minutes in,
my shorts were filled with
chocolate chocolate chip.
452
00:23:01,630 --> 00:23:05,384
- My body knew.
- Yeah... I still win.
453
00:23:05,467 --> 00:23:09,096
Followed by dessert
at Serendipity.
454
00:23:09,179 --> 00:23:13,308
Yes... so--
455
00:23:13,391 --> 00:23:15,894
And we're gonna start
the bidding at $500,
456
00:23:15,977 --> 00:23:19,314
which... could cover
a single piece of cake there.
457
00:23:19,397 --> 00:23:21,149
(all laughing)
458
00:23:21,942 --> 00:23:22,943
(quietly) Uh...
459
00:23:23,610 --> 00:23:25,779
Ah!
460
00:23:25,862 --> 00:23:26,822
The point is,
it just--
461
00:23:26,905 --> 00:23:27,572
It rolled off
your tongue,
462
00:23:27,656 --> 00:23:29,699
you know,
no big deal, no drama,
463
00:23:29,783 --> 00:23:33,286
so, you know,
why can't it just roll
off your tongue to me?
464
00:23:33,370 --> 00:23:34,579
Because it can't.
465
00:23:34,663 --> 00:23:36,581
Oh, look!
Here are the sneakers.
466
00:23:36,665 --> 00:23:39,417
You have said it
12 times since we
left the house tonight.
467
00:23:39,501 --> 00:23:43,296
- You've been counting?
- I'm a man on a mission.
468
00:23:43,380 --> 00:23:45,173
And the last time
was just a minute ago
469
00:23:45,257 --> 00:23:48,760
to a lady in the lobby
who bumped into you.
470
00:23:48,844 --> 00:23:53,140
Exactly.
Women apologize
to the whole world
471
00:23:53,223 --> 00:23:55,517
all day long
for everything.
472
00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:59,020
Tennis is the one place
that I don't have to do that.
473
00:23:59,104 --> 00:24:01,690
So, as Demi Lovato
would say...
474
00:24:01,773 --> 00:24:04,234
"Sorry... not sorry."
475
00:24:08,446 --> 00:24:10,240
Do they have any couples
counseling sessions
476
00:24:10,323 --> 00:24:11,491
anyone can bid on
anywhere here?
477
00:24:13,827 --> 00:24:16,163
I'm just gonna go back in,
and tell Amanda
478
00:24:16,246 --> 00:24:20,041
I didn't find that
glimmer of hope.
479
00:24:20,125 --> 00:24:21,668
Guess my book's dead, too.
480
00:24:23,461 --> 00:24:27,132
Darn. My sad book
keeps getting sadder.
481
00:24:27,215 --> 00:24:28,675
Speaking of dead things...
482
00:24:30,302 --> 00:24:35,348
I tried to revive my sex life
with Steve the other day.
483
00:24:35,432 --> 00:24:38,059
I, I really tried hard,
484
00:24:38,143 --> 00:24:41,605
and I'm afraid...
the patient is non-responsive.
485
00:24:42,731 --> 00:24:46,568
- So... no pulse?
- No pulse at all.
486
00:24:46,651 --> 00:24:48,904
It was like two dead people
487
00:24:48,987 --> 00:24:51,740
trying to get it on,
like zombie sex.
488
00:24:51,823 --> 00:24:54,868
And you're sure you guys
wouldn't consider going
back to a therapist?
489
00:24:54,951 --> 00:24:57,621
We tried twice.
We don't need a therapist.
490
00:24:57,704 --> 00:24:59,247
We need the cast of
"The Walking Dead."
491
00:25:00,582 --> 00:25:01,750
Listen, before we get
to all of that,
492
00:25:01,833 --> 00:25:05,670
we have a special
treat that we know
you're going to enjoy.
493
00:25:05,754 --> 00:25:09,424
Someone you'll be
grateful to hear is
not the two of us.
494
00:25:09,507 --> 00:25:12,636
- (all laughing)
- Yes, you can see
495
00:25:12,719 --> 00:25:15,972
- this amazing performer--
- Use the mic. I beg of you.
496
00:25:16,056 --> 00:25:19,100
in their Netflix
comedy special
"Check the Box,"
497
00:25:19,184 --> 00:25:21,895
- put your hands
together for Che Diaz!
- Che Diaz!
498
00:25:21,978 --> 00:25:23,521
(cheers and applause)
499
00:25:27,525 --> 00:25:30,237
Hi! Yes, aw!
500
00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:32,155
Uh, you know what?
I'll just take hers.
She's not using it.
501
00:25:32,239 --> 00:25:34,741
- HERBERT: Hey!
- (all laughing)
502
00:25:34,824 --> 00:25:36,576
Woo! How we all doin' tonight?
503
00:25:36,660 --> 00:25:38,870
(cheering)
504
00:25:38,954 --> 00:25:42,624
Yeah, you know,
this auction's taking longer
than I did to come out.
505
00:25:42,707 --> 00:25:43,959
It's wild.
506
00:25:44,042 --> 00:25:46,169
So, listen, I usually do
about a 40-minute set,
507
00:25:46,253 --> 00:25:48,421
but don't worry,
they've asked me
to keep it clean,
508
00:25:48,505 --> 00:25:50,423
so I should be done here
in about three minutes. Yeah.
509
00:25:50,507 --> 00:25:52,884
(all laughing)
510
00:25:55,428 --> 00:25:57,764
That's Che!
Che's performing?
511
00:25:57,847 --> 00:26:00,517
Oh, yeah.
You know what, Charlotte
roped me into participating,
512
00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:02,477
then I roped in Che, which,
actually, wasn't that big--
513
00:26:04,729 --> 00:26:08,692
Oh, okay, well.
The cheese stands alone.
514
00:26:10,318 --> 00:26:11,820
(indistinct chatter)
515
00:26:11,903 --> 00:26:13,113
(softly) Oh my god.
516
00:26:16,324 --> 00:26:18,576
Well, I am not
getting laid tonight.
517
00:26:18,660 --> 00:26:20,704
Zero hotties here,
except for the servers,
518
00:26:20,787 --> 00:26:22,831
and I have a strict
no cater-waiter policy.
519
00:26:22,914 --> 00:26:24,791
He's here.
520
00:26:24,874 --> 00:26:29,004
- Who?
- The teacher I went
on a date with last night.
521
00:26:29,087 --> 00:26:31,631
- Professor Puke? Where?
- Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm.
522
00:26:31,715 --> 00:26:35,635
He's, um, he's at the bar.
Wait, is that even him?
523
00:26:35,719 --> 00:26:38,179
It's hard to tell
because I'm seeing more
than the tops of his shoes.
524
00:26:38,263 --> 00:26:39,806
You know what?
Stand in front of me.
525
00:26:42,017 --> 00:26:43,351
It's all right.
Thanks. Have a good night.
526
00:26:43,435 --> 00:26:43,560
CARRIE:
Is he leaving?
527
00:26:46,062 --> 00:26:48,231
Oh, yeah, it's okay.
He's leaving, okay.
528
00:26:48,315 --> 00:26:50,191
You know what?
Can you follow him out,
529
00:26:50,275 --> 00:26:53,611
and then come back
and tell me when you're sure
530
00:26:53,695 --> 00:26:56,364
he's out of
the building and gone?
531
00:26:56,448 --> 00:26:59,409
You want me to off him, too?
What am I, Mossad?
532
00:26:59,492 --> 00:27:02,704
- My husband died.
- You get one more of those.
533
00:27:02,787 --> 00:27:04,706
Okay. Go. Fast.
534
00:27:04,789 --> 00:27:08,752
We know we're not
your core demo,
but we love you.
535
00:27:08,835 --> 00:27:10,503
- Aww.
- Yeah. She turned me on to you.
536
00:27:10,587 --> 00:27:11,755
I watched your special,
like, I don't know,
like, 10 times.
537
00:27:11,838 --> 00:27:14,382
My husband's like,
"Veronica, what's
goin' on with you?"
538
00:27:14,466 --> 00:27:16,676
I did.
I read that piece on you
in "Vulture" and got addicted.
539
00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:18,011
- Ohh.
- Addicted.
540
00:27:18,094 --> 00:27:18,553
(fans chatting)
541
00:27:21,806 --> 00:27:25,310
(still chatting)
542
00:27:25,393 --> 00:27:27,645
- FAN: But we're fans
for life, like, for life.
- CHE: Wow.
543
00:27:27,729 --> 00:27:32,734
Listen, I so appreciate this.
I see someone I know,
544
00:27:32,817 --> 00:27:34,819
- so I'm just, uh--
- Do your thing.
545
00:27:34,903 --> 00:27:37,030
- We'll be here a while.
- CHE: Okay. Okay!
546
00:27:37,113 --> 00:27:39,366
FAN:
Fans for life!
547
00:27:39,449 --> 00:27:43,078
Hey, Rambo.
Were you just gonna leave
without saying hello?
548
00:27:43,161 --> 00:27:46,581
Oh, hi.
No. I, I mean, um...
you were, you were busy,
549
00:27:46,664 --> 00:27:49,542
and I, I was standing
there... for a while,
550
00:27:49,626 --> 00:27:51,586
and it, it looked
like that was...
gonna take a while,
551
00:27:51,669 --> 00:27:54,089
so, I just, you know,
I called an Uber.
552
00:27:54,172 --> 00:27:56,466
Mmm.
Okay, okay.
553
00:27:57,342 --> 00:27:59,219
So, how have you been?
554
00:27:59,302 --> 00:28:01,513
I've been fine, thank you.
And yourself?
555
00:28:02,764 --> 00:28:03,515
What's... going on?
556
00:28:03,598 --> 00:28:06,267
Why are you,
why're you being weird?
557
00:28:06,351 --> 00:28:08,853
Well, I don't
know how to be...
558
00:28:08,937 --> 00:28:09,854
You never wrote me back.
559
00:28:11,481 --> 00:28:12,524
You wrote me?
560
00:28:13,858 --> 00:28:14,609
DM'd me back or whatever.
561
00:28:16,986 --> 00:28:20,782
- Well, when did you DM me?
- Like three months ago.
562
00:28:20,865 --> 00:28:24,619
Three months? Miranda...
I-I've done a ton of weed.
563
00:28:24,702 --> 00:28:27,872
I, I can't--
I can barely remember
three hours ago.
564
00:28:27,956 --> 00:28:28,998
Plus, I get a lot of DMs.
565
00:28:30,375 --> 00:28:32,710
- I'm sure.
- Okay, no.
566
00:28:32,794 --> 00:28:35,672
I meant there's so much volume.
567
00:28:35,755 --> 00:28:38,049
I, I wasn't being a dick.
I just-- I, I seriously
just didn't clock it,
568
00:28:38,133 --> 00:28:40,301
and I'm sorry.
569
00:28:40,385 --> 00:28:43,471
You're busy. I'm busy.
It's all good.
570
00:28:44,556 --> 00:28:47,559
- (Che laughs)
- Did I just say,
"It's all good?"
571
00:28:47,642 --> 00:28:51,271
You should've just
DM'd me again.
572
00:28:51,354 --> 00:28:53,690
Ask for what you want.
That's a turn-on.
573
00:28:56,067 --> 00:28:57,235
I didn't know that.
574
00:28:58,486 --> 00:28:59,654
I'll tell you what I want...
575
00:29:01,990 --> 00:29:03,867
I wanna go someplace
with you...
576
00:29:06,286 --> 00:29:07,704
and take off
all your clothes.
577
00:29:09,414 --> 00:29:11,458
- Really?
- Really.
578
00:29:12,375 --> 00:29:13,668
(phone chimes)
579
00:29:18,006 --> 00:29:20,550
Well, my Uber is here.
580
00:29:20,633 --> 00:29:22,677
I have a 7:00 AM flight.
I have to go.
581
00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:24,512
No, you can't go.
The auction's not finished.
582
00:29:24,596 --> 00:29:26,055
You didn't tell me
the drama club was doing
583
00:29:26,139 --> 00:29:27,015
three songs from
"Dear Evan Hansen."
584
00:29:27,098 --> 00:29:30,727
- I love you so much.
- Yeah, 7:00 AM flight.
585
00:29:30,810 --> 00:29:32,687
- You can finish this without me.
- Are you crazy?!
586
00:29:32,770 --> 00:29:36,524
I am awful!
I can see it
in people's eyes.
587
00:29:36,608 --> 00:29:38,568
They're like,
"Oh god, not her again."
588
00:29:38,651 --> 00:29:40,487
What do you care if other
people think you're awful?
589
00:29:40,570 --> 00:29:42,238
How could you
say that to me?
590
00:29:42,322 --> 00:29:44,199
- Say what?
- That I'm awful.
591
00:29:44,282 --> 00:29:46,701
- I didn't say that.
- Y-- Okay...
592
00:29:46,784 --> 00:29:47,827
Mr. Improv
holdin' all the cards.
593
00:29:47,911 --> 00:29:52,081
I'm out there humiliated,
doing my best,
594
00:29:52,165 --> 00:29:54,000
and you're gonna stand here
and say that I'm awful?
595
00:29:54,083 --> 00:29:56,461
No, no, no.
I said that people--
596
00:29:56,544 --> 00:29:58,421
I didn't say that.
I said people, people
said that you were awful,
597
00:29:58,505 --> 00:30:00,215
- but I didn't--
- Hi.
598
00:30:00,298 --> 00:30:02,217
- (Herbert chuckles)
- We-we-we're just lookin'
for the restrooms.
599
00:30:02,300 --> 00:30:04,928
- Hey!
- Yeah. Yeah!
600
00:30:07,138 --> 00:30:07,722
Sorry.
601
00:30:07,805 --> 00:30:09,432
- No, no.
- I'm so sorry.
602
00:30:09,516 --> 00:30:12,435
Uh, watch
your step there.
603
00:30:13,311 --> 00:30:16,356
(audience applauding)
604
00:30:16,439 --> 00:30:20,318
- Oh, great. Now they
think we're that couple.
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
605
00:30:20,401 --> 00:30:21,986
EMCEE:
Give it up for
the Arbor School
606
00:30:22,070 --> 00:30:23,530
drama department,
ladies and gentlemen.
607
00:30:23,613 --> 00:30:24,906
(deep sigh)
608
00:30:24,989 --> 00:30:27,951
I love you, baby.
How can I make it up to you?
609
00:30:28,034 --> 00:30:29,369
Emcee:
They were amazing!
610
00:30:29,452 --> 00:30:32,372
The Arbor School
drama department, everyone!
611
00:30:32,455 --> 00:30:35,792
And sold!
Item number 8248,
612
00:30:35,875 --> 00:30:39,045
a case of wine donated by
a seventh-grade parent from...
613
00:30:39,128 --> 00:30:42,257
wow, vineyard in Tuscany.
Enjoy your wine. All right.
614
00:30:42,340 --> 00:30:43,800
(applause)
615
00:30:43,883 --> 00:30:45,385
HERBERT:
Enjoy your wine, all right!
616
00:30:45,468 --> 00:30:47,595
Carrie, you can't leave.
617
00:30:47,679 --> 00:30:48,846
Your item hasn't even
been auctioned off yet.
618
00:30:48,930 --> 00:30:51,683
I'm sorry,
but according
to Gay Mata Hari,
619
00:30:51,766 --> 00:30:53,017
this is my window.
620
00:30:53,101 --> 00:30:57,730
...a date with sex writer
Carrie Bradshaw, huh?
621
00:30:57,814 --> 00:31:00,275
- It was lunch, a lunch date.
- That's...
622
00:31:00,358 --> 00:31:02,443
That's what I told them.
623
00:31:02,527 --> 00:31:04,195
I was only on
the gathering committee,
624
00:31:04,279 --> 00:31:05,113
not on the program committee.
625
00:31:05,196 --> 00:31:07,615
A date with sex writer
Carrie Bradshaw.
626
00:31:07,699 --> 00:31:09,617
Starting bid, $500.
627
00:31:09,701 --> 00:31:12,704
And sex writer?
Like what-what-what?
Like I write porn?
628
00:31:12,787 --> 00:31:16,165
Um, you know what?
It-it's not a date.
It's a lunch date.
629
00:31:16,249 --> 00:31:20,503
And she's not a sex writer.
She writes about relationships,
630
00:31:20,587 --> 00:31:23,131
- and the nuances that go--
- Okay, please stop.
Please, please stop.
631
00:31:23,214 --> 00:31:27,302
Okay, thank you
for that clarification,
Charlotte, um...
632
00:31:27,385 --> 00:31:31,431
Carrie Bradshaw--
Is that who--?
That's Carrie Bradshaw.
633
00:31:31,514 --> 00:31:33,808
Ladies and gentlemen,
Carrie Bradshaw.
634
00:31:33,891 --> 00:31:35,602
Why don't you come on
up here and help me out?
635
00:31:35,685 --> 00:31:37,103
- Lord knows I need it, right?
- Oh, no, no, no.
636
00:31:37,186 --> 00:31:38,104
You're doing just fine,
just fine.
637
00:31:38,187 --> 00:31:41,107
HERBERT: Oh, come on.
Come on, for the kids.
638
00:31:41,190 --> 00:31:44,319
- Hey, a round of applause
for Carrie Bradshaw, everybody.
- Our friendship is now over.
639
00:31:44,402 --> 00:31:46,404
HERBERT:
Come on, it's for the kids.
640
00:31:47,447 --> 00:31:49,240
Hello.
641
00:31:49,324 --> 00:31:51,909
- I'm good, Herbert. How are you?
- All right, starting bid...
642
00:31:54,912 --> 00:31:57,749
Date with sex writer
Carrie Bradshaw, $500.
643
00:31:58,249 --> 00:32:00,585
Anyone?
644
00:32:00,668 --> 00:32:02,837
- Can't! We're all married.
- HERBERT: Ah, that's true.
645
00:32:02,920 --> 00:32:07,216
But it is a lunch date,
not sex, right?
646
00:32:07,300 --> 00:32:10,678
Definitely not sex.
(awkward laughter)
647
00:32:10,762 --> 00:32:11,888
$500.
648
00:32:11,971 --> 00:32:13,681
- Oh, $450. $450, yeah.
- (glass breaks)
649
00:32:13,765 --> 00:32:16,267
- There we go, $450.
- No, no, no, no.
650
00:32:16,351 --> 00:32:19,354
We, we have a spill here.
We need a waiter.
651
00:32:19,437 --> 00:32:21,397
- Okay ...
- Do something!
652
00:32:21,481 --> 00:32:24,108
She's about to implode
like the house at the end
of "Poltergeist."
653
00:32:24,192 --> 00:32:26,611
(shouts)
$700! $700!
654
00:32:26,694 --> 00:32:28,029
(quietly) Oh dear.
655
00:32:28,112 --> 00:32:30,156
- HERBERT: $700.
- $800!
656
00:32:30,239 --> 00:32:31,866
Well, now Charlotte's
biddin' against herself.
657
00:32:31,949 --> 00:32:34,452
Pump the brakes, babe.
Pump the brakes.
658
00:32:34,535 --> 00:32:36,412
You know what?
I bid a thousand.
659
00:32:36,496 --> 00:32:38,706
I bid a thousand,
and now, you can, uh...
660
00:32:38,790 --> 00:32:40,583
- Okay, a thousand dollars.
- Yep.
661
00:32:40,667 --> 00:32:44,003
Going once...
Going twice.
662
00:32:45,797 --> 00:32:47,382
Peter:
$1,050.
663
00:32:48,591 --> 00:32:51,552
HERBERT:
$1,050.
664
00:32:51,636 --> 00:32:54,055
Once, twice, sold, $1,050.
665
00:32:54,138 --> 00:32:55,890
Uh-oh. He must've
snuck back in when I
was in the men's room
666
00:32:55,973 --> 00:32:58,726
getting a handjob
from that cater-waiter.
667
00:33:00,728 --> 00:33:03,398
(indistinct chatter)
668
00:33:05,316 --> 00:33:06,359
Carrie.
669
00:33:08,319 --> 00:33:10,655
- Hi.
- Hi.
670
00:33:10,738 --> 00:33:12,907
- Uh...
- Well, what are the odds?
671
00:33:12,990 --> 00:33:16,369
Wait, you're a,
you're a math teacher.
You probably know.
672
00:33:16,452 --> 00:33:20,748
Well, it definitely
involves an X to the...
power of hangover.
673
00:33:22,041 --> 00:33:23,793
- (sighs)
- Listen, uh, don't worry.
674
00:33:23,876 --> 00:33:26,003
We-we don't actually
have to go out again.
675
00:33:26,087 --> 00:33:29,382
Yeah. And I'm happy
to cover your bid.
676
00:33:29,465 --> 00:33:33,302
- Oh, no.
- You know, that was clearly
charity for all parties.
677
00:33:33,386 --> 00:33:34,429
No, no, no, no.
I wouldn't think of it.
678
00:33:34,512 --> 00:33:38,182
I'm impressed
you even remember
the subject I teach.
679
00:33:38,266 --> 00:33:39,767
Oh, uh, that's
the extent, really.
680
00:33:39,851 --> 00:33:42,395
Well, we should
go out again.
681
00:33:42,478 --> 00:33:44,105
We have so much
to discuss.
682
00:33:44,188 --> 00:33:45,815
Like, how did
I get home?
(laughs)
683
00:33:45,898 --> 00:33:47,859
Did, did we even pay
for those drinks?
684
00:33:47,942 --> 00:33:52,321
- Oh, we paid.
- Yes, yes we did.
685
00:33:53,531 --> 00:33:56,367
Oh... yeah, okay.
Let's do it.
686
00:33:57,577 --> 00:34:00,830
- It's for the kids.
- For the kids, yes.
687
00:34:00,913 --> 00:34:01,873
(chuckles)
688
00:34:01,956 --> 00:34:03,624
- Okay.
- Okay (chuckles).
689
00:34:03,708 --> 00:34:05,376
- Good night.
- Good night, okay.
690
00:34:07,712 --> 00:34:10,297
I've never felt anything
so intense in my life.
691
00:34:10,380 --> 00:34:12,175
(panting)
692
00:34:14,342 --> 00:34:15,011
I think I'm
in love with you.
693
00:34:21,434 --> 00:34:24,853
You're in love with you...
with me.
694
00:34:26,731 --> 00:34:29,525
And the weed
doesn't hurt.
695
00:34:29,609 --> 00:34:33,696
No, no.
It's not just that.
696
00:34:38,326 --> 00:34:40,369
True, I'm also
very good at sex.
697
00:34:41,120 --> 00:34:45,373
- You... are.
- (both laughing)
698
00:34:49,128 --> 00:34:51,339
(melancholy music playing)
699
00:34:51,422 --> 00:34:54,132
♪ ♪
700
00:34:54,217 --> 00:34:55,009
(keys jangling)
701
00:35:19,242 --> 00:35:21,911
♪ ♪
702
00:35:28,376 --> 00:35:31,254
("Billie Bossa Nova" by
Billie Eilish playing)
703
00:35:35,883 --> 00:35:38,594
♪ Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm ♪
704
00:35:38,678 --> 00:35:42,348
CARRIE:
And just like that...
I found a glimmer of hope.
705
00:35:43,891 --> 00:35:47,979
♪ Love when it comes
without a warnin' ♪
706
00:35:48,062 --> 00:35:52,441
♪ 'Cause waitin'
for it gets so borin' ♪
707
00:35:52,525 --> 00:35:56,904
♪ A lot can change
in twenty seconds ♪
708
00:35:56,988 --> 00:35:59,532
♪ A lot can happen
in the dark ♪
709
00:36:01,158 --> 00:36:05,413
♪ Love when it makes you
lose your bearings ♪
710
00:36:05,496 --> 00:36:10,042
♪ Some information's
not for sharing ♪
711
00:36:10,126 --> 00:36:14,297
♪ Use different names
at hotel check-ins ♪
712
00:36:14,380 --> 00:36:16,674
♪ It's hard to stop it
once it starts ♪
713
00:36:16,757 --> 00:36:19,343
♪ It starts ♪
714
00:36:20,678 --> 00:36:22,305
♪ I'm not sentimental ♪
715
00:36:22,388 --> 00:36:28,769
♪ But there's somethin' 'bout
the way you look tonight, mm ♪
716
00:36:28,853 --> 00:36:30,897
♪ Makes me wanna
take a picture ♪
717
00:36:30,980 --> 00:36:35,985
♪ Make a movie with you
that we'd have to hide ♪
718
00:36:36,068 --> 00:36:39,947
♪ You better lock your phone ♪
719
00:36:40,031 --> 00:36:44,160
♪ And look at me
when you're alone ♪
720
00:36:44,243 --> 00:36:48,664
♪ Won't take a lot
to get you goin' ♪
721
00:36:48,748 --> 00:36:51,792
♪ I'm sorry if
it's torture though ♪
722
00:36:51,876 --> 00:36:53,586
♪ I know, I know ♪
723
00:36:53,669 --> 00:36:57,423
♪ You better lock your door ♪
724
00:36:57,506 --> 00:37:00,593
♪ And look at me
a little more ♪
725
00:37:01,886 --> 00:37:05,306
♪ We both know
I'm worth waitin' for ♪
726
00:37:05,389 --> 00:37:09,560
♪ That heavy breathin'
on the floor ♪
727
00:37:09,644 --> 00:37:11,812
♪ I'm yours, I'm yours ♪
728
00:37:11,896 --> 00:37:13,814
♪ I'm yours ♪
729
00:37:13,898 --> 00:37:15,942
♪ ♪
730
00:37:30,456 --> 00:37:32,208
♪ I'm not sentimental ♪
52538
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