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1
00:00:04,130 --> 00:00:06,290
Why didn't tell me sooner, man?
2
00:00:06,290 --> 00:00:08,510
- I had already
told you that you died
3
00:00:08,510 --> 00:00:11,460
and that I had tortured you
for centuries
4
00:00:11,470 --> 00:00:13,750
and that you're doomed
to be tortured again.
5
00:00:13,750 --> 00:00:17,100
I just didn't want to be,
like, a bummer.
6
00:00:17,110 --> 00:00:19,760
But now you know everything
important about your life.
7
00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:21,520
I promise.
8
00:00:21,530 --> 00:00:25,760
A police officer came to my
home and told me that my mom
9
00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:28,430
had been accidentally trampled
to death when she bent down
10
00:00:28,430 --> 00:00:30,770
to adjust her toe ring
at a Rascal Flatts concert.
11
00:00:30,770 --> 00:00:33,150
That police officer
was an actor.
12
00:00:33,150 --> 00:00:36,440
See, about a month before,
your mom had gotten drunk,
13
00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:38,780
wandered into a charity auction,
14
00:00:38,780 --> 00:00:42,480
and bid $30,000 for a date
with Gene Simmons,
15
00:00:42,480 --> 00:00:45,870
outbidding everyone
else by $29,800.
16
00:00:45,870 --> 00:00:49,820
She didn't want to pay,
so she faked her death,
17
00:00:49,820 --> 00:00:53,710
moved to Nevada, and reinvented
herself as Diana Tremaine.
18
00:00:53,710 --> 00:00:55,630
- Diana Tremaine is
my fake ID name.
19
00:00:55,630 --> 00:00:57,130
I...
20
00:00:57,130 --> 00:00:59,630
How dare she steal
the identity I stole?
21
00:00:59,630 --> 00:01:01,630
- Look, I know this
is a lot to take in,
22
00:01:01,630 --> 00:01:04,880
but we're here to help your
mom get into the Good Place.
23
00:01:04,890 --> 00:01:06,350
Whatever you're feeling,
24
00:01:06,350 --> 00:01:08,640
remember, this is not about you.
25
00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:10,860
- Right.
26
00:01:10,860 --> 00:01:13,140
How could you do this to me?
27
00:01:20,180 --> 00:01:22,320
- Yay, you found me.
28
00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:23,700
- What the hell, Mom?
29
00:01:23,710 --> 00:01:26,490
- Okay, baby,
I can explain everything.
30
00:01:26,490 --> 00:01:28,360
Let's all just take a breath.
31
00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:30,380
You haven't even introduced me
32
00:01:30,380 --> 00:01:33,500
to this stretched-out,
sexy Alex Trebek.
33
00:01:33,500 --> 00:01:35,410
- I'm Michael.
- It's nice to meet you, Donna.
34
00:01:35,420 --> 00:01:40,250
- Oh, uh, it's Diana now
for, you know, police reasons.
35
00:01:40,260 --> 00:01:42,670
- By the way, whose
McMansion is this?
36
00:01:42,670 --> 00:01:44,390
- My boyfriend Dave's.
37
00:01:44,390 --> 00:01:47,730
He's kind of a dork
but real sweet and so fancy.
38
00:01:47,730 --> 00:01:51,760
His napkins are made
out of, like, shirt material.
39
00:01:51,770 --> 00:01:53,430
- Cloth.
40
00:01:53,430 --> 00:01:56,850
- Okay, now this
is making sense.
41
00:01:56,860 --> 00:02:00,520
You change your name, bag a
rich loser with a tacky house.
42
00:02:00,530 --> 00:02:02,730
I get it.
You're running a scam.
43
00:02:02,730 --> 00:02:05,440
- No, baby, this is
as real as the nails
44
00:02:05,450 --> 00:02:06,910
under my acrylic nails.
45
00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:09,570
- I'm a different person.
- Spare me.
46
00:02:09,570 --> 00:02:12,400
You will always
be sun-baked Arizona trash,
47
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:13,950
and I know that...
48
00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:16,210
because I grew up
baking right beside you.
49
00:02:16,210 --> 00:02:17,760
- Oh, jeez, I didn't
know we had company.
50
00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:19,460
- Hey. Hi, I'm Dave.
- Michael.
51
00:02:19,460 --> 00:02:21,380
- Of course you're Dave.
52
00:02:21,380 --> 00:02:24,380
Hey, Dave, you and I need to
have a little conversation.
53
00:02:24,380 --> 00:02:26,220
- Diana!
- Oh, hey.
54
00:02:26,220 --> 00:02:27,630
- Who the hell is this chick?
55
00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:29,390
- This is my little
potato pie, Patricia.
56
00:02:29,390 --> 00:02:31,970
And who might you be,
by the way?
57
00:02:31,970 --> 00:02:34,560
- Eleanor is my sorority sister.
58
00:02:34,560 --> 00:02:38,440
- Right. Good old
Kappa Zeta... Jones.
59
00:02:38,450 --> 00:02:39,980
Oh.
60
00:02:39,980 --> 00:02:41,900
- I can't believe
I have to wait in line
61
00:02:41,900 --> 00:02:43,570
to see my own sister.
62
00:02:43,570 --> 00:02:46,570
I have never waited in
any kind of formation before,
63
00:02:46,570 --> 00:02:47,990
let alone a line.
64
00:02:47,990 --> 00:02:50,620
- Wow. Is this whole
room just her work?
65
00:02:50,630 --> 00:02:53,240
- Don't be fooled, Chidi.
- Kamilah is a charlatan.
66
00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:56,580
All she has to do is paint some
dumb shapes, and people go mad.
67
00:02:56,580 --> 00:02:59,300
- Those aren't dumb shapes.
- They're a pair of boobs.
68
00:02:59,300 --> 00:03:00,950
And then two extra side boobs.
69
00:03:00,950 --> 00:03:04,250
It symbolizes that boobs come
in all shapes and sizes
70
00:03:04,260 --> 00:03:05,620
and distances apart.
71
00:03:05,620 --> 00:03:07,420
- Ugh. Maybe we should just go.
72
00:03:07,430 --> 00:03:09,260
There are plenty of other
people I could help,
73
00:03:09,260 --> 00:03:10,590
like my good friend Ben Affleck
74
00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:12,310
and his crippling addiction
to back tattoos,
75
00:03:12,310 --> 00:03:13,810
or my other good friend
Matt Damon
76
00:03:13,820 --> 00:03:15,930
and his crippling addiction
to my friend Ben Affleck.
77
00:03:15,930 --> 00:03:17,600
- It's important that
you make amends.
78
00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:19,470
Your competitive
relationship with Kamilah
79
00:03:19,470 --> 00:03:21,990
is largely the reason you
didn't get into the Good Place.
80
00:03:21,990 --> 00:03:24,470
It stands to reason that
the same would be true for her.
81
00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:27,280
- Fine.
- But the waiting is over.
82
00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:29,280
Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
83
00:03:30,950 --> 00:03:33,830
- Tahani, were you waiting
in line to see me?
84
00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:36,370
That's hilarious.
85
00:03:36,370 --> 00:03:38,490
As a frog stares up in awe
at the tree top,
86
00:03:38,490 --> 00:03:39,960
so, too, does humanity gawk
87
00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:42,010
at the purity
of a blinding truth.
88
00:03:42,010 --> 00:03:44,040
Napkins and forks
are in the back.
89
00:03:44,050 --> 00:03:47,300
- So making omelets
is art now, is it?
90
00:03:47,300 --> 00:03:49,020
- Not that I'd expect
you to understand,
91
00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:51,330
but it's a commentary
on the world's fascination
92
00:03:51,340 --> 00:03:54,800
with subservience, consumption,
death, and pedagogy.
93
00:03:54,810 --> 00:03:56,340
Cheddar or Swiss?
94
00:03:56,340 --> 00:03:57,690
- Oh, no, I don't
want an omelet.
95
00:03:57,690 --> 00:03:59,480
I just came for
a quick sisterly chat.
96
00:04:01,510 --> 00:04:03,390
- My sister, Tahani,
refuses to order an omelet.
97
00:04:04,530 --> 00:04:06,070
As a result,
the exhibit is now over
98
00:04:06,070 --> 00:04:07,650
and will never be shown again.
99
00:04:07,650 --> 00:04:09,700
There will be no refunds.
100
00:04:19,500 --> 00:04:22,500
- Hey, now. I just checked
my Apple Watch,
101
00:04:22,500 --> 00:04:25,920
and it's marg-o-clock.
102
00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:27,840
So, Michael, what do you do?
103
00:04:27,840 --> 00:04:30,540
- Ah, well, uh,
I'm an architect.
104
00:04:30,540 --> 00:04:32,680
- Get out of here. Me too.
- Ah.
105
00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:34,010
- Dave's real good.
106
00:04:34,010 --> 00:04:36,350
You should see
the new Hooters on I-15.
107
00:04:36,350 --> 00:04:38,850
It looks classy, like a bank.
108
00:04:38,850 --> 00:04:40,850
- So how did you two
love-rats meet?
109
00:04:40,850 --> 00:04:42,850
- Oh, it's a fun story.
110
00:04:42,850 --> 00:04:45,740
I was working on this project
tearing down a condemned bar
111
00:04:45,740 --> 00:04:47,410
called the Desert Rash.
112
00:04:47,410 --> 00:04:49,360
I went in to meet
with the contractors,
113
00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:52,110
and Diana is sitting at the bar
drinking a 7 and 7 and 7.
114
00:04:52,110 --> 00:04:54,580
7 shots of Seagram's 7
in 7 minutes.
115
00:04:54,580 --> 00:04:56,400
It's Diana's morning drink.
116
00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:58,530
Oh, that's right, it was
very early in the morning.
117
00:04:59,950 --> 00:05:01,700
Well, this little spitfire
finds out it's me
118
00:05:01,710 --> 00:05:03,420
who's closing down the bar.
119
00:05:03,420 --> 00:05:05,420
Next thing I know,
she's got a knife to my face.
120
00:05:06,790 --> 00:05:08,580
I would have been scared
if she hadn't been
121
00:05:08,580 --> 00:05:10,130
the most gorgeous thing
I've ever seen in my life.
122
00:05:10,130 --> 00:05:12,550
- Oh. One thing leads to
another, and all of a sudden,
123
00:05:12,550 --> 00:05:14,770
we're playing tonsil tennis
on a broken toilet
124
00:05:14,770 --> 00:05:17,750
- in the alley out back.
- Cute.
125
00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:19,490
- So how did you
and Eleanor become friends?
126
00:05:19,490 --> 00:05:22,060
- Let's just say that we "lived"
127
00:05:22,060 --> 00:05:24,490
in the same
"neighborhood."
128
00:05:24,500 --> 00:05:25,950
- Oh.
129
00:05:25,950 --> 00:05:28,400
What a fun way
to say a normal thing, right?
130
00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:30,070
- Well, I've got
to go get ready.
131
00:05:30,070 --> 00:05:32,750
Today is PTA elections,
and I'm running for secretary.
132
00:05:32,750 --> 00:05:34,170
- And she's a shoo-in, too.
133
00:05:34,170 --> 00:05:37,570
Hey, Patty,
we got to get ready, okay?
134
00:05:37,580 --> 00:05:40,510
- I know we came here to set
your mom on a better path,
135
00:05:40,510 --> 00:05:42,880
but I think
she's doing pretty great.
136
00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:45,410
- Please.
- She's completely full of it.
137
00:05:45,420 --> 00:05:46,850
I am gonna find out
138
00:05:46,850 --> 00:05:48,920
what kind of scam
Donna Shellstrop is running,
139
00:05:48,920 --> 00:05:51,470
and I am gonna take her down...
140
00:05:51,470 --> 00:05:53,810
right after I finish
this awesome drink.
141
00:05:53,810 --> 00:05:55,860
Man, Dave's margaritas
are amazing.
142
00:05:55,860 --> 00:05:57,030
- Right?
- Yeah.
143
00:05:57,030 --> 00:05:58,930
- And I'm not
even a tequila guy.
144
00:05:58,930 --> 00:05:59,950
- Wow.
145
00:06:01,530 --> 00:06:04,150
- So this is what
a museum looks like.
146
00:06:04,150 --> 00:06:06,650
If you look at
this painting closely,
147
00:06:06,650 --> 00:06:09,960
you can really notice
the interpretation.
148
00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:11,790
- I know you're just being silly
149
00:06:11,790 --> 00:06:13,290
and effortlessly charming,
150
00:06:13,290 --> 00:06:15,380
but you actually just picked
the most valuable painting
151
00:06:15,380 --> 00:06:17,110
in the entire museum.
152
00:06:17,110 --> 00:06:21,800
As of last year, that work was
valued at $39.2 million.
153
00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:24,300
- Oh, snap, I forgot
you know everything.
154
00:06:24,310 --> 00:06:25,790
How much is that one worth?
155
00:06:25,790 --> 00:06:28,340
- That one is worth
$13.7 million.
156
00:06:28,340 --> 00:06:30,680
- That one's got
a bunch of colors.
157
00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:32,140
That's got to add some value.
158
00:06:32,150 --> 00:06:34,810
Can we do this
for all the paintings?
159
00:06:34,820 --> 00:06:38,850
- Look, I've had a sort
of revelation about the world,
160
00:06:38,850 --> 00:06:40,650
and I'd like to take
responsibility
161
00:06:40,660 --> 00:06:43,470
for my part in
our fraught history.
162
00:06:43,470 --> 00:06:47,240
For whatever hurt
I've caused you...
163
00:06:47,250 --> 00:06:51,000
I sincerely apologize.
164
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:52,480
- Thank you.
165
00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:54,030
I do not accept your apology.
166
00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:56,340
Is that all, then?
167
00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:01,870
Well...
168
00:07:04,850 --> 00:07:07,210
Ooh!
169
00:07:13,170 --> 00:07:15,890
- Check out what Dave gave me...
170
00:07:15,890 --> 00:07:20,010
Plans for a Subaru
dealership/burlesque club
171
00:07:20,010 --> 00:07:21,690
he's designing in Reno.
172
00:07:21,700 --> 00:07:24,030
Man, Nevada's a mess.
173
00:07:24,030 --> 00:07:25,200
What are you doing?
174
00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:26,730
- Searching
for the tell-tale sign
175
00:07:26,730 --> 00:07:28,400
of a Donna Shellstrop scam...
176
00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:30,370
A pile of cash hidden somewhere
177
00:07:30,370 --> 00:07:33,020
so she can grab it
and head out on the run.
178
00:07:33,020 --> 00:07:35,410
When the time comes,
she will rip this guy off
179
00:07:35,410 --> 00:07:38,030
and disappear like Keyser Soze,
180
00:07:38,030 --> 00:07:40,050
right after he admitted
to groping all those people.
181
00:07:40,050 --> 00:07:41,530
- Why are you in my room?
182
00:07:41,530 --> 00:07:43,300
- Oh, hey, girl.
- What's up?
183
00:07:43,300 --> 00:07:45,050
How old are you... three?
184
00:07:45,050 --> 00:07:46,220
- I'm nine.
- Cool.
185
00:07:46,220 --> 00:07:48,140
I don't know anything
about kids.
186
00:07:48,140 --> 00:07:52,480
Hey, has Diana ever made you
hide, like, a special treasure
187
00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:53,930
in any of your toys?
188
00:07:53,930 --> 00:07:55,390
- No, Diana's very nice to me.
189
00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:57,400
She bought me most
of these stuffed animals.
190
00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:59,770
Oh, wow. Neat.
191
00:07:59,770 --> 00:08:02,320
Mind if I give them just
a little surgery just to check?
192
00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:05,050
- Okay, okay, okay,
all right, Doc McStuffins,
193
00:08:05,060 --> 00:08:06,910
let's get you some fresh air.
194
00:08:06,910 --> 00:08:08,240
So sorry.
195
00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:10,990
She's a kid.
You can't disembowel her toys.
196
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:12,560
- Fine. New plan.
197
00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:16,120
You casually mention that
you're rich and seduce Donna.
198
00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:17,500
When she goes for you,
199
00:08:17,500 --> 00:08:20,000
it will prove that this
whole thing is a sham.
200
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,170
First things first,
do you have a penis?
201
00:08:22,170 --> 00:08:24,090
- I will not seduce Donna.
202
00:08:24,090 --> 00:08:26,960
For one thing, I could never do
that to my pal, Dave.
203
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:28,790
It goes against
the architect's code.
204
00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:31,130
Also, your mother
seems happy here.
205
00:08:31,130 --> 00:08:32,920
- The Donna I know
206
00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:36,020
wouldn't be caught dead in
this suburban boredom factory.
207
00:08:36,020 --> 00:08:37,520
She's scamming them.
208
00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:39,100
Look, believe me,
don't believe me...
209
00:08:39,110 --> 00:08:40,770
I don't care.
I'm gonna prove it.
210
00:08:40,780 --> 00:08:43,860
- Young lady,
you will stop this nonsense.
211
00:08:43,860 --> 00:08:47,280
Go to the PTA meeting
and support your mother.
212
00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:50,030
I won't hear
another word about it.
213
00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:51,780
- What the hell was that?
214
00:08:51,790 --> 00:08:53,200
Well, I was going
215
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:55,490
for the "stern but,
you know, caring dad" vibe.
216
00:08:55,490 --> 00:08:57,270
No? Didn't work?
217
00:08:57,270 --> 00:08:58,990
- No, not even close...
- Like, not in the ballpark.
218
00:08:58,990 --> 00:09:00,610
- I was trying
something, Eleanor.
219
00:09:00,610 --> 00:09:02,210
Give me a break.
220
00:09:02,210 --> 00:09:04,610
- Until Kamilah
accepts my apology
221
00:09:04,620 --> 00:09:07,300
this open wound will hinder
any progress she might make
222
00:09:07,300 --> 00:09:09,130
toward getting
into the Good Place.
223
00:09:09,140 --> 00:09:11,620
Also, I'm going to strangle her,
224
00:09:11,620 --> 00:09:14,470
which will hinder any air
from getting into her lungs.
225
00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:16,310
Can I talk to her?
226
00:09:16,310 --> 00:09:19,140
- Maybe we should try
a little third-party mediation.
227
00:09:22,180 --> 00:09:23,900
Uh, hi.
228
00:09:23,900 --> 00:09:25,820
I'm Tahani's friend, Chidi.
229
00:09:25,820 --> 00:09:28,320
- Chidi is an Igbo
word that means "God exists."
230
00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:30,240
- That's right
231
00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:34,530
Sorry, I don't know the
etymology of your name, but...
232
00:09:34,530 --> 00:09:37,580
- All of your
fears are now mine.
233
00:09:41,150 --> 00:09:43,170
- What did she say?
- What?
234
00:09:43,170 --> 00:09:45,340
I don't know.
Sorry.
235
00:09:45,340 --> 00:09:47,660
I got distracted.
She's amazing.
236
00:09:47,660 --> 00:09:50,090
All of my fears are hers now.
237
00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:51,340
- Of course they are.
238
00:09:54,180 --> 00:09:56,020
- Um...
239
00:09:56,020 --> 00:09:57,600
- I sincerely apologize to you
240
00:09:57,600 --> 00:10:00,520
because I have matured
into a fully formed adult
241
00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:02,550
with empathy and self-awareness.
242
00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:04,440
But if you don't accept
my apology,
243
00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:08,890
I will smash your stupid
art exhibit into bits.
244
00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:11,610
- More Tahani theatrics
with zero follow-through?
245
00:10:11,620 --> 00:10:14,200
You don't have it in you
to do anything that bold,
246
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:16,690
because I'm the one
who got the boldness gene
247
00:10:16,690 --> 00:10:18,900
and the good-eyebrow gene.
248
00:10:20,540 --> 00:10:24,360
- Oh! Oh, no.
- All my fears are mine again.
249
00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:28,380
- Hey, Davey, can you believe
the design of this room?
250
00:10:28,380 --> 00:10:31,380
- Auditorium? More like
Audi-bore-me-um.
251
00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:34,420
- Savage.
252
00:10:34,420 --> 00:10:37,140
- Hello, I'm Diana Tremaine.
253
00:10:37,140 --> 00:10:39,390
I never thought
I'd run for PTA board.
254
00:10:39,390 --> 00:10:42,900
For most of my life,
I preferred to crawl...
255
00:10:42,900 --> 00:10:44,150
pub crawl.
256
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:47,900
But now I want
to make sure kids in this
257
00:10:47,900 --> 00:10:50,100
decommissioned-military-
bombing-test-site-
258
00:10:50,100 --> 00:10:51,620
turned-suburban-township
259
00:10:51,620 --> 00:10:55,110
get the best education
Nevada has to offer.
260
00:10:55,110 --> 00:10:58,060
- What's that...
- Always double down on 11?
261
00:10:58,060 --> 00:11:01,580
- Also, there is a pretty great
kid who goes to this school,
262
00:11:01,580 --> 00:11:04,330
and I want to make
this place great for her.
263
00:11:04,340 --> 00:11:07,200
Stand up, sweetheart.
264
00:11:11,260 --> 00:11:14,080
- Well, it was the first
Hooters ever made out of brick,
265
00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:15,590
sort of inspired by Monticello.
266
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:17,600
- Hey, mark.
- Oh, no, it's Dave.
267
00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:20,350
- Oh, I know your name.
- I'm calling you a mark.
268
00:11:20,350 --> 00:11:21,430
- Easy.
269
00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:23,350
- I got news for you, dad-bod.
270
00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:26,190
The woman you know
as Diana Tremaine is really
271
00:11:26,190 --> 00:11:29,610
Donna Shellstrop,
my much older mother.
272
00:11:29,610 --> 00:11:32,440
She faked her death
and changed her name.
273
00:11:32,450 --> 00:11:35,100
Sorry to burst your bubble,
but that's the deal.
274
00:11:35,100 --> 00:11:37,650
- I already knew
all that, Eleanor.
275
00:11:37,650 --> 00:11:40,620
Your mother told me everything
the first night we met.
276
00:11:40,620 --> 00:11:42,120
- The first night?
277
00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:43,620
- Well, no,
not the first night, actually.
278
00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:45,440
That was mostly sex.
279
00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:48,710
Your mother is a very confident
and selfish lover.
280
00:11:48,710 --> 00:11:50,110
- Yikes.
281
00:11:50,110 --> 00:11:51,550
- No, no, no,
it's perfect for me
282
00:11:51,550 --> 00:11:53,220
'cause I don't know what I want.
283
00:11:53,220 --> 00:11:55,000
But anyway, the next morning
she told me everything.
284
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:56,970
And we're gonna tell Patricia
once she's a little bit older.
285
00:11:56,970 --> 00:11:59,170
For now, everything
is going great.
286
00:11:59,170 --> 00:12:00,970
- No, dude,
you don't know my mom.
287
00:12:00,980 --> 00:12:03,060
She used to put, like,
50 things in a shopping cart,
288
00:12:03,060 --> 00:12:05,140
then go to
the "12 items or less" aisle,
289
00:12:05,150 --> 00:12:07,650
scream "rat," and run out
the door without paying.
290
00:12:07,650 --> 00:12:09,520
She is a liar.
291
00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:12,300
- Well, listen, she has been
nothing but honest with me.
292
00:12:12,300 --> 00:12:14,190
And I like that
she's got a wild streak.
293
00:12:14,190 --> 00:12:15,690
It kind of gets
my motor running.
294
00:12:15,690 --> 00:12:17,160
Tell you the truth...
295
00:12:17,160 --> 00:12:20,330
She's turning me
into a bit of a bad boy.
296
00:12:20,330 --> 00:12:22,750
I mean, who am I...
Avril Lavigne?
297
00:12:27,650 --> 00:12:29,540
- Oh, I get it.
298
00:12:29,540 --> 00:12:32,150
Coming clean
was all part of the scam.
299
00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:34,420
It's brilliant because
he thinks she's honest.
300
00:12:34,430 --> 00:12:36,180
So, when she runs off
with all his money,
301
00:12:36,180 --> 00:12:37,510
he'll never see it coming.
302
00:12:37,510 --> 00:12:39,160
- Come on, Eleanor.
303
00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:42,160
I changed, you changed,
maybe she changed, too.
304
00:12:42,170 --> 00:12:43,520
- No, no way.
305
00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:46,170
- Why can't you accept
that she might be living
306
00:12:46,170 --> 00:12:48,720
a good, honest life?
307
00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:52,190
That she's an attentive
partner and a good mom?
308
00:12:52,190 --> 00:12:54,230
- Because I wanted that mom.
309
00:12:54,230 --> 00:12:57,700
I wanted the mom
who made me afternoon snacks
310
00:12:57,700 --> 00:13:00,200
instead of just telling
me to look for loose fries
311
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:01,530
in the McDonald's ball pit.
312
00:13:01,540 --> 00:13:03,370
Why does Patricia get that mom?
313
00:13:03,370 --> 00:13:06,240
If Donna Shellstrop
has truly changed,
314
00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:08,460
then that means she was
always capable of change,
315
00:13:08,460 --> 00:13:12,240
but I just wasn't
worth changing for.
316
00:13:13,550 --> 00:13:17,530
- I know as your self-appointed
father figure,
317
00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:20,590
I'm supposed to say
something comforting here,
318
00:13:20,590 --> 00:13:22,550
but I'm... I'm kind of stumped.
319
00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:25,140
- Okay, final tally...
320
00:13:25,140 --> 00:13:27,730
43 votes for Diana Tremaine,
321
00:13:27,730 --> 00:13:29,760
12 votes for Eileen Capshaw,
322
00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:34,400
and one vote for Bofa Deeznutz.
323
00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:36,070
- God, don't look
at me like that.
324
00:13:36,070 --> 00:13:37,440
You're not my real dad.
325
00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:45,820
- Congratulations,
Madam Secretary.
326
00:13:45,820 --> 00:13:47,520
- It's so crazy, right?
327
00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:49,140
I'm gonna need
to get a calculator
328
00:13:49,140 --> 00:13:51,070
and maybe a globe.
329
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:53,530
I don't really
understand the job.
330
00:13:53,530 --> 00:13:55,530
- Listen, um, I'm sorry
331
00:13:55,530 --> 00:13:57,700
that I didn't think
this whole thing was real.
332
00:13:57,700 --> 00:13:59,920
I just never thought
I'd see the day
333
00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:01,870
when you made a commitment to...
334
00:14:01,870 --> 00:14:03,490
anything.
335
00:14:03,490 --> 00:14:05,490
I was wrong.
336
00:14:05,490 --> 00:14:07,710
- Thank you, baby.
- That means a lot.
337
00:14:08,830 --> 00:14:11,680
- Let me help you.
- No, no, no, not that one!
338
00:14:11,680 --> 00:14:13,050
Not that one!
No, sorry, sorry.
339
00:14:13,050 --> 00:14:14,880
This powder is only
for my delicates.
340
00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:17,500
- You don't wash your bras.
341
00:14:17,500 --> 00:14:19,000
- No. No.
342
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:20,890
- I knew it.
343
00:14:20,890 --> 00:14:23,670
My mother is a con artist.
344
00:14:23,670 --> 00:14:25,110
Got ya.
345
00:14:25,110 --> 00:14:28,530
- So, before I'm tortured
in the afterlife,
346
00:14:28,530 --> 00:14:30,580
I get to spend
the rest of this life
347
00:14:30,580 --> 00:14:33,920
in a Hungarian prison
for destruction of art.
348
00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:35,870
That's fun.
349
00:14:35,870 --> 00:14:38,050
- Destruction
of extremely derivative art.
350
00:14:38,060 --> 00:14:40,570
Kamilah's work has been
mediocre for years.
351
00:14:40,570 --> 00:14:42,860
Mother and Father
are probably rolling over
352
00:14:42,860 --> 00:14:44,630
in their cryogenic chambers.
353
00:14:44,630 --> 00:14:48,130
- Really? You don't think they
would be proud of her
354
00:14:48,130 --> 00:14:51,630
for having a whole museum wing
dedicated to her work?
355
00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:55,050
- My parents' standards
were incredibly high,
356
00:14:55,060 --> 00:14:57,060
and they were
impossible to please.
357
00:14:57,060 --> 00:14:58,590
Plus, they always pitted
358
00:14:58,590 --> 00:15:00,480
my sister and me
against each other.
359
00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:01,760
The two of them were a unit,
360
00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:03,760
and Kamilah and I...
361
00:15:08,570 --> 00:15:11,100
- Girls, we have
a new challenge for you.
362
00:15:11,110 --> 00:15:14,160
- Each of you has four hours
to complete a rendering
363
00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:17,740
of your favorite moment
in French military history.
364
00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:20,110
- The winning painting
shall be hung in our foyer
365
00:15:20,110 --> 00:15:23,670
during our party honoring
Francois Mitterrand.
366
00:15:23,670 --> 00:15:26,070
- The losing paining
shall provide the kindling
367
00:15:26,070 --> 00:15:28,790
for the fire that rages
in our hearth
368
00:15:28,790 --> 00:15:30,740
during that party.
369
00:15:30,740 --> 00:15:32,590
Doesn't that sound wonderful?
370
00:15:32,590 --> 00:15:34,180
- Yes, Mother, it does.
371
00:15:34,180 --> 00:15:36,460
- Thank you
for this opportunity.
372
00:15:36,460 --> 00:15:38,460
- Who will be
the winning artist,
373
00:15:38,470 --> 00:15:40,180
and who will fail?
374
00:15:40,180 --> 00:15:42,970
Let's find out.
375
00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:51,140
- These paintings...
376
00:15:51,150 --> 00:15:53,090
they're us.
377
00:15:53,100 --> 00:15:54,980
- You're the boobs?
378
00:15:54,980 --> 00:15:57,650
Sorry. Once Jason said it,
that's all I can see.
379
00:16:01,820 --> 00:16:03,990
- Here we go.
380
00:16:03,990 --> 00:16:05,990
What?
381
00:16:05,990 --> 00:16:08,830
Tahani, what are you doing?
Stop it.
382
00:16:08,830 --> 00:16:11,880
- No. I'm going to hug you
because I love you
383
00:16:11,880 --> 00:16:15,300
and because you feel
just as alone as I do.
384
00:16:15,300 --> 00:16:19,000
I'm sorry our parents
were such wankers.
385
00:16:19,010 --> 00:16:21,620
And I understand that you
can't accept my apology
386
00:16:21,630 --> 00:16:24,290
because that would quench
your creative thirst.
387
00:16:24,290 --> 00:16:26,850
They forced us to compete,
388
00:16:26,850 --> 00:16:30,150
and that competition has fueled
your art for decades.
389
00:16:30,150 --> 00:16:34,520
It's so awful, and I'm so sorry.
390
00:16:38,190 --> 00:16:40,810
- They were wankers,
weren't they?
391
00:16:40,810 --> 00:16:44,700
- Ah! The absolute biggest
wankers on Earth.
392
00:16:49,750 --> 00:16:51,200
- Let them go, please.
393
00:16:58,050 --> 00:17:01,100
- Diana Tremaine,
you little devil.
394
00:17:01,100 --> 00:17:02,760
New name, same game.
395
00:17:02,770 --> 00:17:06,940
- Fine. Things have been going
good with me and Dave,
396
00:17:06,940 --> 00:17:10,000
but sometimes I sneak a little
bit of cash out of his wallet,
397
00:17:10,010 --> 00:17:12,940
and I hide it away, just
in case everything blows up
398
00:17:12,940 --> 00:17:14,230
and I need to skip town.
399
00:17:14,230 --> 00:17:16,560
Are you happy?
400
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:19,060
- Actually, no, I'm not happy,
401
00:17:19,070 --> 00:17:21,020
but I think you are.
402
00:17:21,020 --> 00:17:23,240
You're holding on
to this exit strategy,
403
00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:25,700
telling yourself that
you can bail at any time,
404
00:17:25,710 --> 00:17:27,570
but the truth is...
405
00:17:27,570 --> 00:17:29,910
you love this suburban life.
406
00:17:29,910 --> 00:17:32,040
- I don't love it so much.
407
00:17:32,050 --> 00:17:35,250
I am not basic.
Ya basic.
408
00:17:35,250 --> 00:17:36,920
- No, Mom.
409
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:38,630
Ya basic.
410
00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:40,090
And that's okay.
411
00:17:40,090 --> 00:17:41,750
Let me ask you something.
412
00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:43,710
Why are you wearing yoga pants?
413
00:17:43,710 --> 00:17:46,090
- Well, on Tuesday nights,
I do restorative yoga
414
00:17:46,090 --> 00:17:48,140
with a bunch of moms
from Patty's school.
415
00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:49,880
- And what do you do after yoga?
416
00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:52,100
- We split avocado egg rolls
at the Cheesecake Factory,
417
00:17:52,100 --> 00:17:53,650
but we also drink.
418
00:17:53,650 --> 00:17:56,220
- What do you drink?
- Chardonnay...
419
00:17:56,220 --> 00:17:57,940
with ice cubes.
420
00:17:57,940 --> 00:18:00,720
- And after one glass,
I get sleepy,
421
00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:04,110
so I usually switch to water
so I can drive home...
422
00:18:04,110 --> 00:18:05,830
like a nerd!
423
00:18:05,830 --> 00:18:07,280
- Hey, hey...
424
00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:09,780
It's okay.
425
00:18:09,780 --> 00:18:12,120
It's good.
You're happy here.
426
00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:16,120
But you need to commit
to this...
427
00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:19,790
which means getting rid
of that stash of escape money.
428
00:18:19,790 --> 00:18:23,930
And I think you know
what you have to do with it.
429
00:18:23,930 --> 00:18:25,960
- Send it to Gene Simmons?
430
00:18:25,970 --> 00:18:27,970
- What? No.
431
00:18:27,970 --> 00:18:30,800
Spend it on Patricia.
432
00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:33,310
Set up a college fund,
buy her a crib...
433
00:18:33,310 --> 00:18:34,920
or a car.
434
00:18:34,930 --> 00:18:36,810
I truly don't know
anything about kids,
435
00:18:36,810 --> 00:18:40,310
but this is your chance
to break the chain
436
00:18:40,310 --> 00:18:43,280
of Shellstrop
mother-daughter crappiness.
437
00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:45,820
You have a do-over.
438
00:18:45,820 --> 00:18:47,770
Use it.
439
00:18:47,770 --> 00:18:49,270
- Oh, baby.
440
00:18:49,270 --> 00:18:52,370
It seems like you've turned
into a really good person,
441
00:18:52,380 --> 00:18:54,210
and you clearly
didn't get that from me,
442
00:18:54,210 --> 00:18:58,380
so props to whoever helped you.
443
00:18:58,380 --> 00:19:00,720
- Is there more
cash in your bra?
444
00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:02,830
- Always.
- It's why I don't wash them.
445
00:19:04,850 --> 00:19:06,970
- I still can't believe that
police officer pulled you over
446
00:19:06,970 --> 00:19:09,310
just to tell you that
you were driving perfectly.
447
00:19:09,310 --> 00:19:10,980
- Why not?
- I was.
448
00:19:10,980 --> 00:19:12,980
- There is an article
in the paper
449
00:19:12,980 --> 00:19:15,110
about Kamilah's
latest art installation.
450
00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:16,620
And look...
451
00:19:16,620 --> 00:19:18,280
"A Fractured Inheritance"
452
00:19:18,290 --> 00:19:21,600
by Kamilah Al-Jamil
and Tahani Al-Jamil.
453
00:19:21,610 --> 00:19:24,570
- Gosh, that was
very big of her...
454
00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:27,740
though she really should have
named the piece
455
00:19:27,740 --> 00:19:30,280
"Buried Hatchet,"
don't you think?
456
00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:31,610
Such a better title.
457
00:19:31,620 --> 00:19:33,420
I'm going to call her
and rub it in.
458
00:19:33,420 --> 00:19:35,300
- Maybe don't...
- for now.
459
00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:37,300
- Yes. Smart.
460
00:19:37,300 --> 00:19:39,050
Good luck, buddy.
461
00:19:39,060 --> 00:19:40,420
- Oh, hey, I almost forgot.
462
00:19:40,420 --> 00:19:41,790
I sketched you up
a little something...
463
00:19:41,790 --> 00:19:44,730
Some ideas there
for your project.
464
00:19:44,730 --> 00:19:46,260
Wow.
465
00:19:46,260 --> 00:19:47,650
- Well, this is
more than a few ideas.
466
00:19:47,650 --> 00:19:50,650
You solved the whole thing...
Columns and porticos.
467
00:19:50,650 --> 00:19:52,400
Uh-oh.
468
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:54,800
Looks like you
forgot to include bathrooms.
469
00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:57,320
- Oops.
- Ah, just a little oversight.
470
00:19:57,320 --> 00:20:00,490
I certainly use the bathroom
like anybody else.
471
00:20:00,490 --> 00:20:02,330
I love to sit on the... the thing
472
00:20:02,330 --> 00:20:04,110
and just, you know,
shoot one out.
473
00:20:04,110 --> 00:20:05,660
Eleanor, I'll be in the car.
474
00:20:05,670 --> 00:20:08,280
- It was really nice
to meet you, Patricia.
475
00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:10,790
Got a lot of people
who care about you here.
476
00:20:10,790 --> 00:20:13,790
And good luck with the...
477
00:20:13,790 --> 00:20:15,420
- SATs.
- I'm nine.
478
00:20:15,430 --> 00:20:16,660
- Whatever, good luck in school.
479
00:20:16,660 --> 00:20:18,090
You get it.
480
00:20:20,300 --> 00:20:23,520
- The others are on their way
back from Budapest.
481
00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:26,630
We'll be picking them
up in a few hours.
482
00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:28,440
Oh, be happy.
483
00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:31,020
Your mom found a better path
all on her own,
484
00:20:31,020 --> 00:20:32,820
and you definitely
helped Patricia.
485
00:20:32,830 --> 00:20:34,310
Double happy ending.
486
00:20:34,310 --> 00:20:36,640
- I know.
- I'm just... I'm a little sad.
487
00:20:36,650 --> 00:20:38,530
I'm glad my mom has changed,
488
00:20:38,530 --> 00:20:41,780
but that doesn't fix
all the damage she did to me.
489
00:20:41,790 --> 00:20:43,370
Let's face it...
490
00:20:43,370 --> 00:20:45,500
She's the reason I could
never get close to anyone.
491
00:20:45,510 --> 00:20:48,460
I never even told
a boyfriend I love him.
492
00:20:49,710 --> 00:20:53,380
- Oh, crap.
- Um...
493
00:20:53,380 --> 00:20:55,550
you remember how I told you
that you knew
494
00:20:55,550 --> 00:20:57,700
everything important
about your life?
495
00:20:57,700 --> 00:21:01,640
Well, I-I wasn't thinking
about your afterlife life.
496
00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:05,710
In one of the reboots,
you and Chidi fell in love...
497
00:21:05,710 --> 00:21:10,060
deeply, and you told him
that you loved him,
498
00:21:10,060 --> 00:21:13,730
and he told you
that he loved you back.
499
00:21:13,730 --> 00:21:15,400
- We did what, now?
500
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:18,440
- You want to listen
to a podcast maybe?
37327
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