Original subtitles

With us tonight is Pastor Jeff Difford

from the First Baptist Church of Medford.

Thank you for being here, Pastor.

- My pleasure. - So it would appear

that your church's

Halloween Hell House has stirred up

quite a bit of controversy this year.

Oh, I wouldn't call it

controversy.

What would you call it?

A-As you know,

the purpose of a Hell House

is to demonstrate the wages of sin,

so as to lead people back to God.

That's wonderful.

But doesn't it concern you that a lot

of parents were alarmed

at the gruesome scenes you portrayed?

Once again, our intentions were pure.

Why don't we take a look at just how pure they were.

Let's roll the clip.

Oh, boy.

I need another beer.

Oh, darling, don't you think you've had enough?

- I'll tell you when I had enough! - [SCREAMS]

Whoa! Hey, cowboy,

why don't you put that down and call it a night.

Don't you tell me what to do.

[SCREAMING]

JEFF: That's enough, Peg.

Dear Lord.

As you can see, our last attempt at a Hell House

may have been a tad... traumatizing.

I thought it was a hoot.

Some of the little ones peed their pants. [CHUCKLES]

But that wasn't the goal.

A nine-year-old crapped himself. [CHUCKLES]

Why are you showing me this?

Well, Mary, this year, we'd like to go

with a more family-friendly production.

And I thought you'd be the perfect person to head that up.

Really? Me?

Yes, you. Absolutely.

Gosh, I don't know. [SCOFFS]

I always felt I had a flair for the creative arts,

but putting on a big show like that...

You'll have a sizable budget and all the help you'll need

constructing sets, building props,

special effects, makeup.

Does sound tempting.

But, most importantly,

you'll have an opportunity to bring people to God

by vividly demonstrating the perils of sin.

Be careful if you touch on adultery.

Last year, one of the actors got pregnant.

Thanks, Peg.

So, what do you say?

I already know the first change I'm gonna make.

Instead of calling it "Hell House,"

which is a little off-putting,

I'm gonna call it...

"Heck House."

Isn't that great?

That is great.

You don't really mean that.

Yes, I do.

Oh, I get it.

Happy wife, happy life.

You need to stop talking.

So it's not gonna be scary?

It will, but without all the blood and gore.

But I like blood and gore.

Hang on, y'all are trying to scare people

into joining the church?

Yeah. But people like

getting scared on Halloween anyway.

Why not make 'em jump in the right direction?

Actually, fear has been a recruiting tactic

used by organized religion

for centuries.

When you add guilt to keep people in line,

it's an extremely efficient form of crowd control.

Our religion is based on love, Sheldon, not fear.

So what happens when people don't follow the rules?

They burn in hell.

Because God loves 'em.

♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪

♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪

♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man ♪

- Synced and corrected by VitoSilans - -- www.Addic7ed.com --

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Sheldon.

Oh. Hi, Georgie.

Why was Veronica Duncan hugging you?

I'm tutoring her in trigonometry.

And that gets you hugs?

Thanks to me, she got her first C-minus.

Just between us, she's a little slow.

That's not what I heard.

What did you hear?

Is she secretly clever?

Because if she is, I completely missed it.

It doesn't matter.

You just need to introduce me to her.

Why?

I want to be her friend.

Well, you better take a number.

She's friends with a lot of boys around here.

Let me worry about that. You just need to introduce us.

All right.

You know, she pays me two dollars for every one

of our tutoring lessons.

How much did it cost her to get a C-minus?

$26.

That's a good deal.

LUNDY: Now, remember, next week, we start our work

on Streetcar Named Desire.

So please prepare a monologue

for either Blanche or Stanley.

Usually, the girls do Blanche and the boys do Stanley,

but no judgment... You follow your heart.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Thank you again

for letting me come by to pick your brain.

Oh, please. Anything for the church.

Are you a religious man?

I'm an actor.

I'm whatever you need me to be.

All right.

As I told you on the phone,

I have been tasked

with mounting this year's Halloween production.

Oh, is that a haunted house kind of deal?

Yes, but with the goal of bringing people to God.

I do know something about that.

When I played Puck in Midsummer,

the Tulsa Herald called my performance heavenly.

Wow! Good for you.

- Thank you, thank you. [GIGGLING] - [CHUCKLES]

Okay. Um, I was hoping

to put on a little play in each of the rooms

that portrays one of the seven deadly sins.

Pride, envy, gluttony, lust, sloth, wrath and greed!

Wow, you know your sins!

Well, again, I'm an actor.

They are the tools in my box.

Um, have you considered

a narrator, you know, um,

like, a tour guide kind of thing?

Oh, that's interesting.

But who would that be?

Well, I'd have to think the big man himself.

- God? - Satan.

Oh! That's spooky.

And he's trying to lure people toward sin.

Exactly.

That's a pretty big role.

I wonder who could do it.

Huh.

Well, it would have to be someone

with enough range to convey sincerity and charm,

all the while, hiding a dark and corrupt soul!

- Good golly. - [CHUCKLES]

If you were just a little taller, you'd be perfect.

I have lifts.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

What are we doing here?

Waiting for Veronica.

How do you know she's in there?

It's kind of her homeroom.

Oh, hello again.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Hey. What's up?

This is my brother Georgie. He wanted to meet you.

- Really? - Really.

I like your hair.

Uh, me, too.

[CROWS CAWING]

[ENGINE SHUTS OFF]

What do you think?

Pretty great, huh?

Realtor's letting us use it for free.

Wow. How'd you swing that?

Well, I promised

Fred Murphy a lead role

in the lust room.

Ooh. [LAUGHS]

Look at you, just wheeling and dealing

like a big-time Hollywood producer.

- [CHUCKLES] - Maybe you're in the wrong business.

Being a mother?

- Being a Christian. - Ah.

Greetings!

Oh, good! Mr. Lundy, you made it.

Oh, we're gonna be working together. You can call me Gene.

- All right, Gene, this is my mother, Connie. - Hi.

Hello.

Now, I would've bet she was your big sister.

- [CHUCKLES] - I thought you said he was a good actor.

Oh, now. [CHUCKLING]

So, what do you think?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

- Spiderwebs. - What?

We're gonna need some spiderwebs and I think

maybe some fire effects on the left

and right side of the portal.

Portal?

Portal to hell.

[CHUCKLING] Sure, sure.

Now, the script calls for me to appear

from beneath the house in a cloud of smoke.

But I think that's gonna be ambitious.

Script? What script?

Oh, I wrote a script. Don't worry about it.

I was gonna write the script.

Well, now you don't have to.

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

Do you believe this?

Believe it, love it,

glad I didn't wait in the car.

I can't believe this.

No good?

It's awful.

It makes sin seem like a good thing.

Well, that's the problem, isn't it?

I mean, if sin didn't seem like a good thing,

nobody would do it.

George, please, I'm in no mood.

Hey. Wrath.

That's one of the seven sins, right?

Pastor Jeff gave me this project

because he knew I'd be best at it.

Now Gene... Lundy is taking over.

Oh, look, pride. And envy.

Don't stop. Four sins to go.

I'm guessing lust ain't happening tonight.

You see a large red button.

What do you do?

I press it.

The floor opens up and you plunge into a 60-foot pit.

I fly out.

Up, up, and away!

Again, you're not Superman in this game;

you're Superman for Halloween.

Which isn't till next week.

So I'm in a pit.

You're in a pit.

Then I blast my way out with my super breath!

[BLOWING]

Just let him do it.

Dinner's ready.

- Five more minutes. - Hey, Georgie.

I saw you talking to Veronica Duncan.

Yeah. So?

How well do you know her?

Not as well as I'm gonna.

I introduced them.

He math skills are dreadful.

Did you know Superman has a dog?

His name is Krypto.

He plays fetch in space.

♪ Please allow me to introduce myself ♪

Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. [SIGHS]

It's supposed to be wrath.

♪ I've been around for a long, long time ♪

[GASPS] Oh.

♪ Stole many a man's soul ♪

Give him a little kick now that's he's down.

Give him a little kick.

♪ I was 'round ♪

That's right, that's good.

- Yes. Yeah. - [GROANING]

No, go for it.

Yes.

♪ Pleased to meet you ♪

♪ Hope you guess my name ♪

♪ Woo-woo ♪

♪ Yeah, woo-woo ♪

♪ Ah, what's puzzling you... ♪

Kind of stomp down on him, stomp down on him.

Yes. That's the way. Good.

Now, Fred, remember,

you are the personification of lust.

Your sole reason for being is to try to satisfy

this unquenchable thirst for physical pleasure.

Great. Will there be kissing and touching?

- Oh, you bet. - Mm. Mm.

Now what?

Pretend kissing. Pretend touching.

Oh.

Fred, would you just give me a moment?

Mary, I-I've tried to be patient,

but if I'm gonna do this,

put my reputation on the line,

I'm gonna need you to back off just a little bit.

Do I need to remind you that the purpose of Heck House

is to show how sins destroy our lives?

Yeah, so?

You are making them into a good thing.

Have you read the script?

He's gonna get syphilis.

He goes home, he gives it to his wife.

She goes crazy.

She kills him and her entire family.

What am I missing?

Sorry I'm late.

I couldn't find my keys,

and then my car wouldn't start.

Then I got lost.

Holy smokes.

Hi. Are you my make out partner?

No. No. No one's making out.

This all stops right now.

You have got to calm down.

I will not have innocent children walk through this house

on Halloween and see a half-naked woman.

A half-naked woman chock-full of syphilis.

- BOTH: What? - It's pretend syphilis.

Mary, I am a trained theater professional.

Why don't you just let me do what I do, while you,

you know, go home and make a nice tuna casserole.

Hmm?

All right, Fred...

ADULT SHELDON: I know what you're thinking:

she's going to tear his throat out.

But what in fact happened is she did

what she thought Jesus would do.

She went home and made that tuna casserole.

It was a little salty

but I ate it because she was in a mood.

KIDS: Trick or treat!

[LAUGHTER]

[EERIE ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]

[RECORDED SCREAMS PLAYING]

[GASPING, LAUGHING]

Greetings. Pleased to meet you.

I go by many names: Satan, Lucifer,

Mephistopheles, Beelzebub.

Of course, when I make a dinner reservation,

I-I go by "Eric."

It's easier to spell.

Before we begin

tonight's descent into Heck,

I'd like to tell you a little about myself.

'Cause it's all about you, isn't it?

I was God's chosen angel.

I was his favorite.

We used to go camping together.

But then, because I wanted to have a little bit of fun,

I was cast from heaven.

Tonight, you will bear witness to that fun.

You will decide whether it is sinful...

or just another Saturday night.

[LAUGHS] Come with me... if you dare.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

Just watch your step right over here,

'cause there's some electrical wires.

- [HISSES] - [KNOCK ON DOOR]

ALL: Trick or treat.

Oh, look how cute y'all are.

Now, I know you are Superman.

What about the rest of you?

- I'm Cyndi Lauper. - I'm a wizard.

Uh-huh.

And I'm Carl Sagan.

Who?

Carl Sagan.

He's the host of Cosmos.

Well, isn't that something.

Now, y'all be safe and have a fun night.

I'm Super...

[LAUGHTER, SHOUTING]

You like Guns N' Roses?

They're all right.

Yeah, they're all right.

You as smart as your brother?

Nobody is.

I got an older sister that's kind of a genius.

Oh, yeah?

Why didn't she tutor you?

She's in jail.

What'd she do?

She sold a piñata full of weed

to an undercover cop.

Doesn't sound like much of a genius.

Oh, I don't know, she graduated high school.

BILLY: Ooh, peanut butter cups!

Superman loves peanut butter cups!

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

So you see, the sin of greed.

Very wealthy man, a beautiful house,

swimming pool, several German cars,

and a young wife who worshipped him.

Excuse me, Mr. Satan.

What?

You kind of left out

how greed is the root of all evil,

and how it corrupts the soul.

It's in there. It's called subtext.

Why don't we take a gander at the eternal torment

that is sloth.

Eh!

I can't believe no one in this town knows

who Carl Sagan is.

Why even have a TV?

Stupid Mrs. Gifford gave me a banana.

SHELDON: Where's Billy?

He had to go to the bathroom.

- So he went home? - No.

He's right behind that tree.

Wait up, guys.

Oh, I got a little on my cape.

Ew.

There's nobody at my house. You want to come over?

Yes.

Okay, let's go.

[ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Look at this.

We threw a party for heaven and nobody came.

Not one person chose to be saved.

Well, did you tell 'em about the cupcakes?

MEEMAW: Where I think you went wrong

is in your timing.

If you'd done this deal during a war or a plague,

then you'd have a boatload of converts.

Famine. Famine would bring 'em in.

What do you know about famine?

Hola, amigos.

Hey, Pastor Jeff.

Why so glum? This is going great.

Donations are through the roof.

[LAUGHS]

Nobody wants to be saved.

Yeah, but donations are through the roof.

Is that all this means to you, raising money?

Hey, that money is gonna do a lot of good

for a lot of people.

Now, quit being such a fun sponge.

Here, have some grapes.

[LAUGHING]

What's that?

Some stupid haunted house

my mother's doing for the church.

Let's check it out.

But I-I thought we were going to your house.

We are, let's just do this first.

It'll be fun.

[WHIMPERS]

Pleased to meet you.

I go by many names: Satan...

ADULT SHELDON: My mother's fears that no one would be saved

that Halloween night were proven incorrect.

As they kissed, she thought about the choices

that led her to this moment.

ADULT SHELDON: Mr. Lundy's scene about lust made a deep impact

- on my brother's date. - Her youth was gone.

She had traded her beauty for a few

tawdry dollars, and now she had nothing left but shame...

...and venereal disease.

ADULT SHELDON: She asked to be saved by Jesus.

[CRYING]: I don't want to live like this anymore.

Oh, just repeat after me...

ADULT SHELDON: And as it turns out, she was.

She went on to live a life devoted to God,

feeding the poor, even helping her sister

start a literacy program for female prisoners.

My brother, on the other hand, became a devout atheist

after that night.

MARY: We got one!

ALL: Trick or treat.

Aren't y'all precious.

And you look like a little Carl Sagan.

ADULT SHELDON: Vindication, the sweetest candy of all.

♪ ♪

- Synced and corrected by VitoSilans - -- www.Addic7ed.com --