Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:04,569 --> 00:00:04,787
.
2
00:00:04,830 --> 00:00:07,224
male announcer: "Will & Grace"
is recorded in front of
3
00:00:07,268 --> 00:00:08,225
a live studio audience.
4
00:00:08,269 --> 00:00:09,661
- You got to help me.
5
00:00:09,705 --> 00:00:11,141
My dad's on the way up,
and he wants me
6
00:00:11,185 --> 00:00:12,186
to drive to Schenectady
with him.
7
00:00:12,229 --> 00:00:13,274
- Aww, that's nice.
8
00:00:13,317 --> 00:00:14,275
- You know that's not nice.
9
00:00:14,318 --> 00:00:16,016
Don't be that guy.
10
00:00:16,059 --> 00:00:17,582
- Oh, that's awful.
11
00:00:17,626 --> 00:00:19,367
He's my father.
12
00:00:20,368 --> 00:00:22,022
- Why don't you text me
what you want me to say,
13
00:00:22,065 --> 00:00:23,284
and I'll read it back?
14
00:00:28,071 --> 00:00:30,204
Wow, if I could
do that to myself,
15
00:00:30,247 --> 00:00:32,206
I could delete
my Grindr account.
16
00:00:35,992 --> 00:00:37,167
- Okay, okay.
17
00:00:37,211 --> 00:00:38,821
Here is where you
redeem yourself.
18
00:00:38,864 --> 00:00:41,606
Let's do that thing where
we pretend to have a thing.
19
00:00:42,390 --> 00:00:43,739
Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, darling.
20
00:00:43,782 --> 00:00:45,001
You ready to go?
21
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:46,220
- Hey, Martin.
How's my mom?
22
00:00:46,263 --> 00:00:47,699
I mean, your wife?
23
00:00:47,743 --> 00:00:49,527
I mean, my mom.
I mean, your wife.
24
00:00:50,702 --> 00:00:52,095
I'll get used to that.
25
00:00:52,139 --> 00:00:53,618
No, I won't.
26
00:00:55,316 --> 00:00:56,621
- Dad, uh, about Schenectady,
27
00:00:56,665 --> 00:00:58,754
I would love to go,
but I forgot we--
28
00:00:58,797 --> 00:01:00,538
we have a thing.
29
00:01:00,582 --> 00:01:02,540
Will
30
00:01:02,584 --> 00:01:04,586
- Actually,
the thing got cancelled.
31
00:01:07,241 --> 00:01:08,981
- No, it didn't.
It's still a thing.
32
00:01:09,025 --> 00:01:10,374
Damn that thing!
33
00:01:10,418 --> 00:01:12,028
- No, no. No longer a thing.
34
00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:13,029
- But the thing
is too big a thing
35
00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:14,378
to no longer be a thing.
36
00:01:14,422 --> 00:01:15,510
- I don't know
what you two are doing,
37
00:01:15,553 --> 00:01:17,033
but I got
to get some floss.
38
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:18,208
I got something stuck
in my tooth.
39
00:01:18,252 --> 00:01:19,731
I had an everything bagel.
40
00:01:19,775 --> 00:01:21,168
It could be anything.
41
00:01:23,474 --> 00:01:25,694
- A long drive
with your father--
42
00:01:25,737 --> 00:01:27,087
Grace, that's a gift.
43
00:01:27,130 --> 00:01:29,219
I--I'd give anything to have
that kind of time
44
00:01:29,263 --> 00:01:30,394
to talk to my dad again.
45
00:01:30,438 --> 00:01:31,830
- It is different with girls.
46
00:01:31,874 --> 00:01:33,441
Your relationship
with your dad changes
47
00:01:33,484 --> 00:01:34,920
the second you get boobs.
48
00:01:34,964 --> 00:01:36,792
- So there's
still time for you.
49
00:01:43,929 --> 00:01:45,888
Come on. You know my dad.
50
00:01:45,931 --> 00:01:47,194
We don't talk.
51
00:01:47,237 --> 00:01:48,717
The minute anything gets real,
52
00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:50,197
he gets uncomfortable.
53
00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:52,112
I mean, my whole life,
I've never seen him cry.
54
00:01:52,155 --> 00:01:53,461
- So push through
the discomfort.
55
00:01:53,504 --> 00:01:55,202
Talk about stuff that matters.
56
00:01:55,245 --> 00:01:57,160
Ask him,
"Are you afraid of death?
57
00:01:57,204 --> 00:01:58,727
"Do you have any regrets?
58
00:01:58,770 --> 00:02:01,556
Have you ever had
a gay experience?"
59
00:02:01,599 --> 00:02:02,339
- My dad.
60
00:02:02,383 --> 00:02:03,775
Would you ask your mom
61
00:02:03,819 --> 00:02:05,168
if she's ever had
a lesbian experience?
62
00:02:05,212 --> 00:02:06,996
- Sure, if I wanted her
63
00:02:07,039 --> 00:02:09,172
to leave the room
quickly in tears.
64
00:02:10,826 --> 00:02:12,001
- Surprise!
65
00:02:12,044 --> 00:02:14,177
It was a sesame seed.
66
00:02:15,352 --> 00:02:16,788
Come on, we'll
stop by the cemetery,
67
00:02:16,832 --> 00:02:18,747
visit your mother,
and while we're there,
68
00:02:18,790 --> 00:02:20,270
we'll say hi to Harry.
69
00:02:20,314 --> 00:02:22,446
- I'll visit Mom's grave,
not Harry's.
70
00:02:22,490 --> 00:02:24,622
- Ugh, this Harry thing again.
Oof.
71
00:02:24,666 --> 00:02:26,624
- Look at you two,
having fun already.
72
00:02:26,668 --> 00:02:29,975
- I have a three-hour car drive
to think of my revenge.
73
00:02:30,019 --> 00:02:31,151
Wait, wait, wait.
74
00:02:31,194 --> 00:02:32,804
I got it.
Come with us.
75
00:02:32,848 --> 00:02:34,241
Please, please, please.
- No, no. I can't.
76
00:02:34,284 --> 00:02:36,112
I got--I got Jack's
engagement brunch.
77
00:02:37,331 --> 00:02:39,289
So I actually had a thing?
78
00:02:46,340 --> 00:02:47,471
- Ooh, I--I would have to
79
00:02:47,515 --> 00:02:49,647
remove two ribs
to do that.
80
00:02:52,868 --> 00:02:59,918
♪
81
00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:04,184
- If you'd told me 20 years ago
82
00:03:04,227 --> 00:03:06,273
I'd be celebrating
my engagement,
83
00:03:06,316 --> 00:03:08,579
I would've had
so many questions.
84
00:03:08,623 --> 00:03:11,191
Are gays allowed
to get married?
85
00:03:11,234 --> 00:03:12,975
Can they be in the military?
86
00:03:13,018 --> 00:03:14,237
- Mm-hmm.
87
00:03:14,281 --> 00:03:15,238
- And why would we want
88
00:03:15,282 --> 00:03:17,197
either of those things?
89
00:03:20,243 --> 00:03:23,246
- Everything's marvelous,
Ms. Coco, but FYI,
90
00:03:23,290 --> 00:03:25,640
you shouldn't put celery
in your Bloody Marys.
91
00:03:25,683 --> 00:03:28,730
Too many vegetables--
hard on the liver.
92
00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:31,472
- Karen's kind of a health nut.
93
00:03:31,515 --> 00:03:33,343
- Oh.
- Yeah.
94
00:03:35,867 --> 00:03:37,260
I mean, get for you...
95
00:03:37,304 --> 00:03:39,393
I mean, eat off you.
96
00:03:40,176 --> 00:03:42,047
- Coco, I'll say
what I said to you
97
00:03:42,091 --> 00:03:43,484
ten minutes ago at the urinal:
98
00:03:43,527 --> 00:03:46,356
I'm fine, and my eyes
are up here.
99
00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:50,273
- I'll take it.
- I'll take it.
100
00:03:50,317 --> 00:03:53,015
Oh, Wilma, no.
101
00:03:53,058 --> 00:03:54,234
I'm paying.
102
00:03:54,277 --> 00:03:57,280
My best friend
is getting married.
103
00:03:57,324 --> 00:03:59,674
- My best friend
is getting married.
104
00:03:59,717 --> 00:04:01,589
Your best friend is in the
basement of the White House,
105
00:04:01,632 --> 00:04:03,199
trying to tunnel her way out
106
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:05,375
with the heel
of her Jimmy Choo.
107
00:04:09,031 --> 00:04:11,381
- Children, make a decision.
108
00:04:11,425 --> 00:04:12,817
I've got six more tables,
109
00:04:12,861 --> 00:04:15,603
and I'm getting less tucked
by the minute.
110
00:04:16,430 --> 00:04:18,258
- I think I can settle this.
111
00:04:18,301 --> 00:04:20,042
The best man should pay.
112
00:04:20,085 --> 00:04:21,565
both: And that's me.
113
00:04:22,349 --> 00:04:24,786
- Ooh, conflict.
114
00:04:24,829 --> 00:04:26,091
We hate that here.
115
00:04:30,313 --> 00:04:33,229
♪
116
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:36,363
- So, um, Daddy...
117
00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:39,757
I thought maybe we could talk.
118
00:04:39,801 --> 00:04:42,238
- What do you think we've been
doing for the last two hours?
119
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:44,196
- No, I mean--
I mean talk about
120
00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:46,416
real stuff, you know?
121
00:04:46,460 --> 00:04:49,332
Like, do you have any regrets?
122
00:04:49,376 --> 00:04:51,073
Are you afraid of death?
123
00:04:51,116 --> 00:04:53,031
- Yes. No.
124
00:04:56,383 --> 00:04:57,862
- Okay, that covers it.
125
00:04:57,906 --> 00:04:59,777
Uh...
126
00:05:00,996 --> 00:05:02,302
What the hell.
127
00:05:02,345 --> 00:05:04,521
Have you ever had a gay
experience?
128
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:09,309
- Does breakfast with Will
count?
129
00:05:13,443 --> 00:05:13,835
.
130
00:05:13,878 --> 00:05:15,576
- Jack asked me
to be his best man.
131
00:05:15,619 --> 00:05:16,751
- Wrong, Mary.
132
00:05:16,794 --> 00:05:19,362
Jack asked me
to be his best man.
133
00:05:19,406 --> 00:05:20,363
- Okay, okay, okay.
134
00:05:20,407 --> 00:05:22,539
I asked you both.
135
00:05:22,583 --> 00:05:25,281
I just didn't want to hurt
anyone's feelings.
136
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,675
I didn't want Will
to think I preferred you...
137
00:05:27,718 --> 00:05:29,503
I do.
138
00:05:31,548 --> 00:05:32,593
- Over him.
139
00:05:32,636 --> 00:05:33,855
I don't.
140
00:05:34,638 --> 00:05:36,553
- This is crazy!
It should be me.
141
00:05:36,597 --> 00:05:38,425
I've known Jack since he was 20
142
00:05:38,468 --> 00:05:40,818
and for 20 years of his 30s.
143
00:05:41,602 --> 00:05:45,301
- Did you go on the Dark Web
to buy him a real severed hand
144
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:48,173
for his Morticia Addams
costume?
145
00:05:49,261 --> 00:05:50,132
- - Wait.
146
00:05:50,175 --> 00:05:52,482
That was a real severed hand?
147
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:55,267
- Of course not.
148
00:05:59,184 --> 00:06:00,534
What do I do?
149
00:06:00,577 --> 00:06:04,146
- All right,
let's not break a press-on.
150
00:06:04,189 --> 00:06:09,064
When we have a dispute here,
we settle it like men:
151
00:06:09,107 --> 00:06:12,197
with a lip-sync
monologue throw down!
152
00:06:16,201 --> 00:06:19,117
What you do is,
you spin this wheel
153
00:06:19,161 --> 00:06:20,641
and then lip-sync whichever
154
00:06:20,684 --> 00:06:22,599
legendary monologue
it lands on.
155
00:06:22,643 --> 00:06:26,211
Then the audience decides,
with applause, who wins.
156
00:06:26,255 --> 00:06:30,172
- So we're going to determine
something as important
157
00:06:30,215 --> 00:06:33,436
as your best man by lip-syncing
campy monologues
158
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:35,743
in a room full
of drunken gay men?
159
00:06:35,786 --> 00:06:37,440
- Yeah.
160
00:06:39,137 --> 00:06:41,444
- Yay!
- Makes sense.
161
00:06:41,488 --> 00:06:45,535
- Girls, we've got ourselves
a bitch royale.
162
00:06:49,496 --> 00:06:51,323
I love laminated menus.
163
00:06:51,367 --> 00:06:53,456
You know, the story
of the restaurant in the back--
164
00:06:53,500 --> 00:06:54,631
interesting reading.
165
00:06:54,675 --> 00:06:55,763
- I'll wait for the movie.
166
00:06:55,806 --> 00:06:57,547
- Always with
the smart answers,
167
00:06:57,591 --> 00:06:58,679
like your mother.
168
00:06:58,722 --> 00:07:00,985
Hi! Hey, Patty.
169
00:07:01,029 --> 00:07:02,509
It's my favorite waitress.
170
00:07:02,552 --> 00:07:03,771
- Hi, Mr. Adler.
171
00:07:03,814 --> 00:07:06,251
Is this the new Mrs. Adler?
172
00:07:07,165 --> 00:07:09,429
- No, I'm his daughter, Grace.
173
00:07:09,472 --> 00:07:12,388
Clearly the age
of a daughter, not a wife.
174
00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:13,911
- Okay.
175
00:07:15,217 --> 00:07:17,480
- How is it you get prettier
every year, eh?
176
00:07:17,524 --> 00:07:21,745
- Well, I'm pretty religious
about using sunscreen.
177
00:07:22,659 --> 00:07:25,836
May I tell you
about today's specials?
178
00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:28,230
We have broasted chicken,
179
00:07:28,273 --> 00:07:30,406
whole breaded catfish plate,
180
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:31,451
shrimp salad--
181
00:07:31,494 --> 00:07:34,105
- I'll have that.
- You stopped me.
182
00:07:35,585 --> 00:07:37,761
I memorize the specials
in order,
183
00:07:37,805 --> 00:07:41,112
so if you stop me,
I've got to go back to the top.
184
00:07:42,679 --> 00:07:43,724
- Sorry.
185
00:07:43,767 --> 00:07:45,421
- No, it's okay.
186
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:47,858
It's okay.
I'll just start again.
187
00:07:47,902 --> 00:07:50,731
Um, we have broasted chicken,
188
00:07:50,774 --> 00:07:52,646
whole breaded catfish plate,
189
00:07:52,689 --> 00:07:54,082
shrimp salad,
190
00:07:54,125 --> 00:07:56,432
salmon croquettes
with Creole sauce--
191
00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:57,607
- Hmm.
192
00:08:05,789 --> 00:08:07,835
- Did that count
as interrupting?
193
00:08:07,878 --> 00:08:09,358
- It did.
194
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:18,715
- Oh, oh!
195
00:08:20,978 --> 00:08:22,937
I've seen this one
a million times.
196
00:08:22,980 --> 00:08:24,199
It--it used to be my--
197
00:08:24,242 --> 00:08:26,636
my go-to move to do it
on a first date.
198
00:08:28,290 --> 00:08:29,639
That's not sad.
199
00:08:31,423 --> 00:08:35,079
- Ooh, the "leave Britney
alone" speech that fan gave
200
00:08:35,123 --> 00:08:37,647
after Britney Spears
screwed up at the VMAs.
201
00:08:38,866 --> 00:08:41,042
It was sad-larious.
202
00:08:42,826 --> 00:08:44,872
- You are going down, Karen.
203
00:08:44,915 --> 00:08:46,700
- Hit it!
204
00:08:46,743 --> 00:08:51,008
- Leave Britney alone!
205
00:08:51,052 --> 00:08:53,141
Please!
206
00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,540
Perez Hilton talked about
professionalism
207
00:09:00,583 --> 00:09:02,759
and said if Britney
was a professional,
208
00:09:02,803 --> 00:09:05,370
she would've pulled it off,
no matter what.
209
00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:09,157
Speaking of professionalism,
when is it professional
210
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:10,724
to publicly bash someone
211
00:09:10,767 --> 00:09:13,640
who's going through
a hard time?
212
00:09:13,683 --> 00:09:16,643
Leave Britney alone!
213
00:09:16,686 --> 00:09:19,123
Please!
214
00:09:19,167 --> 00:09:20,995
- Boo!
215
00:09:21,038 --> 00:09:22,997
Boo! Boo!
216
00:09:24,085 --> 00:09:25,826
- Take off your pants!
217
00:09:25,869 --> 00:09:27,262
Who said that?
218
00:09:27,305 --> 00:09:29,830
- Well, that wasn't half bad,
219
00:09:29,873 --> 00:09:31,483
Britney Queers.
220
00:09:32,397 --> 00:09:34,225
Now...
221
00:09:35,836 --> 00:09:37,185
Watch and learn.
222
00:09:47,108 --> 00:09:50,590
- Ah, the Wicked Witch
monologue.
223
00:09:51,765 --> 00:09:53,331
Straight out of the bible.
224
00:09:54,942 --> 00:09:56,421
- Broasted chicken,
225
00:09:56,465 --> 00:09:58,641
whole breaded catfish plate,
226
00:09:58,685 --> 00:09:59,860
shrimp salad--
227
00:09:59,903 --> 00:10:00,861
- She'll have the salad.
228
00:10:00,904 --> 00:10:02,079
I'll have the Reuben.
229
00:10:02,123 --> 00:10:04,125
Unless you're on the menu,
sweetheart.
230
00:10:04,168 --> 00:10:05,343
- I am not,
231
00:10:05,387 --> 00:10:07,084
although, my name is Patty,
232
00:10:07,128 --> 00:10:08,651
and there are
hamburger patties,
233
00:10:08,695 --> 00:10:10,610
so I almost made it.
234
00:10:17,791 --> 00:10:19,706
Flirting, calling women
"sweetheart"?
235
00:10:19,749 --> 00:10:21,403
- Ah, they love it.
- They don't love it.
236
00:10:21,446 --> 00:10:24,101
- I mean, everybody's
so sensitive nowadays.
237
00:10:24,145 --> 00:10:26,234
Sometimes I feel like
men can't be men anymore,
238
00:10:26,277 --> 00:10:28,889
not with this,
uh, #NotMe stuff.
239
00:10:28,932 --> 00:10:31,631
- "Me Too."
- Well, we agree on something.
240
00:10:32,936 --> 00:10:34,111
And why are you being
such a nudge?
241
00:10:34,155 --> 00:10:35,722
- Because it--
242
00:10:35,765 --> 00:10:37,245
You know what?
It doesn't matter.
243
00:10:37,288 --> 00:10:39,421
Let's just eat
and then visit Mom.
244
00:10:39,464 --> 00:10:40,683
- And then Harry.
- No.
245
00:10:40,727 --> 00:10:41,728
I told you. No Harry.
246
00:10:41,771 --> 00:10:42,729
- He was my best friend.
247
00:10:42,772 --> 00:10:43,904
- Well, he wasn't mine.
248
00:10:43,947 --> 00:10:45,122
- You know, it always
bothered me,
249
00:10:45,166 --> 00:10:46,733
this thing you have
about Harry.
250
00:10:46,776 --> 00:10:49,866
I got you a good job
working for my best friend,
251
00:10:49,910 --> 00:10:51,172
and you stole money.
252
00:10:51,215 --> 00:10:52,608
You know how embarrassing
that was for me?
253
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:54,262
- Dad--
- And you didn't apologize.
254
00:10:54,305 --> 00:10:55,872
If you had apologized,
things would be different.
255
00:10:55,916 --> 00:10:57,700
But you didn't apologize.
- That's not what happened.
256
00:10:57,744 --> 00:10:59,136
- Well, you tell me
what happened.
257
00:10:59,180 --> 00:11:00,442
- I don't want
to talk about it.
258
00:11:00,485 --> 00:11:01,835
- Now you don't want to talk.
259
00:11:03,140 --> 00:11:05,186
- The whole summer
that I worked for Harry,
260
00:11:05,229 --> 00:11:07,101
I kept telling you
he was creepy.
261
00:11:07,144 --> 00:11:08,406
What did you think that meant?
262
00:11:08,450 --> 00:11:10,713
- Uh, I don't know.
He was a flirty guy.
263
00:11:10,757 --> 00:11:12,149
- Oh, and--and you
thought that was okay?
264
00:11:12,193 --> 00:11:13,455
Him flirting with
your daughter?
265
00:11:13,498 --> 00:11:15,065
- That was a different time.
- No, no.
266
00:11:15,109 --> 00:11:16,458
That's not an excuse.
267
00:11:16,501 --> 00:11:17,720
What--just because
it was a different time,
268
00:11:17,764 --> 00:11:18,765
it wasn't bad?
269
00:11:18,808 --> 00:11:20,070
No, all that meant
270
00:11:20,114 --> 00:11:21,289
was that people
got away with it.
271
00:11:21,332 --> 00:11:22,464
- Hey, calm down.
- No, don't--
272
00:11:22,507 --> 00:11:24,292
Do not tell me
to calm down.
273
00:11:24,335 --> 00:11:26,207
I can't do this.
274
00:11:26,250 --> 00:11:28,122
I mean, what did he do?
Pat you on the tushy?
275
00:11:28,165 --> 00:11:29,645
- No, he did more than that.
276
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,081
- That doesn't
sound like Harry.
277
00:11:31,125 --> 00:11:32,735
He had his faults,
but he was a good guy.
278
00:11:32,779 --> 00:11:34,737
- He was not a good guy.
- It was a long time ago.
279
00:11:34,781 --> 00:11:37,871
- Maybe you're misremembering.
- No, no! I remember!
280
00:11:37,914 --> 00:11:40,830
I remember every single thing
that happened that day.
281
00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:45,879
- I-I--wait, I don't want
to talk about it.
282
00:11:47,054 --> 00:11:48,751
- No, we're talking.
283
00:11:51,406 --> 00:11:52,886
It was hot,
284
00:11:52,929 --> 00:11:54,496
so I had to have my hair up,
285
00:11:54,539 --> 00:11:57,238
and it showed off the earrings
that I borrowed from Mom
286
00:11:57,281 --> 00:11:59,762
that made me feel
really grown up.
287
00:11:59,806 --> 00:12:01,416
And then,
at the end of the day,
288
00:12:01,459 --> 00:12:03,287
Harry called me
into his office.
289
00:12:03,331 --> 00:12:05,246
- I walked in.
290
00:12:05,289 --> 00:12:07,814
He shut the door,
he closed the blinds,
291
00:12:07,857 --> 00:12:09,337
and then he pushed me up
against the wall.
292
00:12:09,380 --> 00:12:10,860
- Gracie, no.
293
00:12:10,904 --> 00:12:11,861
- I tried to scream,
294
00:12:11,905 --> 00:12:13,123
but he told me "Quiet."
295
00:12:13,167 --> 00:12:14,342
Then he started kissing me
296
00:12:14,385 --> 00:12:15,691
and touching me,
297
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,171
and then he pulled down
my pants,
298
00:12:17,214 --> 00:12:18,259
put his fingers up--
299
00:12:18,302 --> 00:12:19,739
- Stop!
300
00:12:19,782 --> 00:12:22,219
- I was 15.
301
00:12:29,226 --> 00:12:30,619
- I hate to interrupt
the party,
302
00:12:30,662 --> 00:12:32,839
but we ran out
of shrimp salad.
303
00:12:37,669 --> 00:12:38,540
I know.
304
00:12:38,583 --> 00:12:40,977
I'm disappointed too.
305
00:12:45,852 --> 00:12:46,026
.
306
00:12:47,984 --> 00:12:49,333
- Afterwards, I just wanted
307
00:12:49,377 --> 00:12:50,595
to get away from him.
308
00:12:50,639 --> 00:12:51,858
I just wanted to be home,
309
00:12:51,901 --> 00:12:53,468
so I took money
out of the drawer,
310
00:12:53,511 --> 00:12:54,643
and I called a cab.
311
00:12:54,686 --> 00:12:57,515
That's why I stole the money.
312
00:13:02,085 --> 00:13:03,826
What if you didn't believe me?
313
00:13:03,870 --> 00:13:05,697
What if nobody believed me?
314
00:13:07,699 --> 00:13:09,310
Why didn't you see?
315
00:13:10,224 --> 00:13:11,094
You're my father.
316
00:13:11,138 --> 00:13:12,617
You're supposed to protect me.
317
00:13:12,661 --> 00:13:13,836
- I didn't know!
- You should have.
318
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:16,273
- You're right!
319
00:13:16,317 --> 00:13:17,840
I'm so sorry, Grace.
320
00:13:17,884 --> 00:13:19,799
I'm so sorry.
321
00:13:22,758 --> 00:13:25,369
I didn't protect
my little girl.
322
00:13:27,589 --> 00:13:28,546
- It's okay, Daddy.
323
00:13:28,590 --> 00:13:30,287
- No, it's not okay.
324
00:13:30,331 --> 00:13:31,941
How can it be okay?
325
00:13:36,424 --> 00:13:37,947
How did you get through it?
326
00:13:40,732 --> 00:13:46,434
- Well, you just kind of split
yourself into two people.
327
00:13:46,477 --> 00:13:48,001
The person it happened to
328
00:13:48,044 --> 00:13:51,221
and the one who gets
through the day.
329
00:13:52,570 --> 00:13:53,833
And then you grow up,
330
00:13:53,876 --> 00:13:56,748
and your life gets bigger...
331
00:13:56,792 --> 00:13:59,055
and that stuff gets smaller.
332
00:14:00,404 --> 00:14:02,842
- Here are your waters.
- Thank you.
333
00:14:03,755 --> 00:14:05,366
- I know the glasses
look dirty,
334
00:14:05,409 --> 00:14:07,281
but it's just the water.
335
00:14:14,418 --> 00:14:16,029
- I told one person.
336
00:14:16,072 --> 00:14:17,117
- Good.
337
00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:19,771
I'm glad you have
a best friend.
338
00:14:22,426 --> 00:14:24,559
Can you ever forgive me?
339
00:14:24,602 --> 00:14:26,474
- I can.
340
00:14:26,517 --> 00:14:28,955
- I'm not gonna visit
that bastard in the cemetery.
341
00:14:28,998 --> 00:14:30,565
I never want to hear
his name again.
342
00:14:30,608 --> 00:14:32,088
He's dead to me.
343
00:14:34,134 --> 00:14:36,440
- Well, he's dead
to everybody, Daddy.
344
00:14:36,484 --> 00:14:37,702
♪
345
00:14:37,746 --> 00:14:38,921
- Just try!
346
00:14:38,965 --> 00:14:41,010
I'll get you, my pretty,
347
00:14:41,054 --> 00:14:42,707
and your little dog too!
348
00:14:48,365 --> 00:14:49,410
Broom drop.
349
00:14:57,113 --> 00:14:59,246
And who likes
my second husband,
350
00:14:59,289 --> 00:15:01,857
should my first husband die
a timely death?
351
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:06,166
We have a new dilemma.
352
00:15:06,209 --> 00:15:08,472
We've never had a tied
bitch royale.
353
00:15:09,821 --> 00:15:11,954
- Are you saying
I've got to decide?
354
00:15:11,998 --> 00:15:13,347
- Or we could have a contest
355
00:15:13,390 --> 00:15:15,523
to see which one
knows you better.
356
00:15:15,566 --> 00:15:19,222
- Or you suggesting
a public Jack
357
00:15:22,269 --> 00:15:24,227
- Okay, Will,
this question is to you.
358
00:15:24,271 --> 00:15:26,055
In the fall of aught eight,
359
00:15:26,099 --> 00:15:27,970
I had a brief,
but torrid, affair
360
00:15:28,014 --> 00:15:29,319
with a certain redhead.
361
00:15:29,363 --> 00:15:32,279
Tell me his name,
where we met,
362
00:15:32,322 --> 00:15:33,802
and what food he threw at me
363
00:15:33,845 --> 00:15:35,499
when I told him
I met someone else.
364
00:15:36,413 --> 00:15:38,198
- Dick, dock, duck.
365
00:15:40,504 --> 00:15:41,766
- That is correct.
366
00:15:43,072 --> 00:15:45,118
- In your face, Walker!
367
00:15:45,161 --> 00:15:46,510
- Nicely done, Will.
368
00:15:46,554 --> 00:15:48,469
- Gorgeous and smart.
369
00:15:48,512 --> 00:15:50,862
Oscar, I'm leaving you.
370
00:15:51,689 --> 00:15:53,300
Oh, forget it.
371
00:15:53,343 --> 00:15:54,997
- Okay, Karen.
- Okay.
372
00:15:55,041 --> 00:15:56,956
This one's for you.
373
00:15:56,999 --> 00:15:59,784
It is a question
about my "peh-nis."
374
00:15:59,828 --> 00:16:02,352
- I know it better than my own.
375
00:16:02,396 --> 00:16:04,224
Ha-ha-ha!
376
00:16:05,616 --> 00:16:08,010
- When fully aroused...
Oh, yeah.
377
00:16:08,054 --> 00:16:09,316
- Like when Conor McGregor
378
00:16:09,359 --> 00:16:10,534
is on the cover
of "Men's Health"
379
00:16:10,578 --> 00:16:11,622
or there is a light breeze...
380
00:16:11,666 --> 00:16:12,972
- Yes. Mm.
381
00:16:13,929 --> 00:16:16,497
- What is my measurement
382
00:16:16,540 --> 00:16:17,846
in Good & Plentys?
383
00:16:20,501 --> 00:16:21,719
- Damn it.
384
00:16:21,763 --> 00:16:23,591
I know it in Red Vines.
385
00:16:25,723 --> 00:16:27,203
I'm gonna say 18.
386
00:16:30,685 --> 00:16:32,861
I'd be hung like a--
oh, my God, that is correct!
387
00:16:32,904 --> 00:16:35,733
- Ah-ha-ha-ha!
388
00:16:40,129 --> 00:16:40,521
.
389
00:16:44,351 --> 00:16:46,092
So I told him, Mom.
390
00:16:47,745 --> 00:16:50,444
But you were wrong;
he did okay.
391
00:16:51,619 --> 00:16:54,143
I think you would've
been proud of him.
392
00:16:54,187 --> 00:16:56,406
He said he was sorry.
393
00:16:58,278 --> 00:16:59,583
You know, I always thought
394
00:16:59,627 --> 00:17:01,977
that I needed an apology
from Harry...
395
00:17:03,283 --> 00:17:06,764
But it turned out I really
needed one from Daddy.
396
00:17:08,418 --> 00:17:10,551
I feel better.
397
00:17:12,074 --> 00:17:16,035
Oh, by the way,
seeing someone.
398
00:17:16,731 --> 00:17:20,039
He's Jewish and straight,
399
00:17:20,082 --> 00:17:22,041
so stop spinning.
400
00:17:23,955 --> 00:17:26,001
He's a good guy...
401
00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:28,438
although he complains
about everything.
402
00:17:29,744 --> 00:17:32,051
I guess you and I have a type.
403
00:17:38,579 --> 00:17:40,494
I miss you, Mom.
404
00:17:41,582 --> 00:17:45,542
♪
405
00:17:45,586 --> 00:17:48,067
- Did you have a good visit
with your mother?
406
00:17:48,110 --> 00:17:49,677
- I did.
407
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:51,679
- You didn't tell her
I remarried, did you?
408
00:17:51,722 --> 00:17:53,072
- No.
409
00:17:53,115 --> 00:17:55,030
But don't you think
she'd want you to be happy?
410
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:56,510
- Absolutely not.
411
00:17:57,641 --> 00:18:00,122
I wouldn't want her
to be happy, either.
412
00:18:00,949 --> 00:18:01,906
That's love.
413
00:18:05,171 --> 00:18:07,564
♪
414
00:18:07,608 --> 00:18:09,784
- Once again,
the score is tied.
415
00:18:09,827 --> 00:18:12,656
- Now it's time
for the final question.
416
00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:15,877
Will, what is my greatest--
417
00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:19,054
- Sneaking into Cher's trailer
and trying on her wig.
418
00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:21,839
- Please wait until I finish
the entire question.
419
00:18:21,883 --> 00:18:24,103
But, yes, that is
my greatest achievement.
420
00:18:25,060 --> 00:18:26,148
But...
421
00:18:26,192 --> 00:18:28,324
what is my greatest fear?
422
00:18:28,368 --> 00:18:29,630
- Oh, that's easy.
423
00:18:29,673 --> 00:18:31,588
Never having a legitimate
acting career.
424
00:18:31,632 --> 00:18:33,416
Ladies and gentlemen,
your best man!
425
00:18:33,460 --> 00:18:35,723
- Ha, not even close, Wilma!
426
00:18:35,766 --> 00:18:38,682
His greatest fear is aging.
427
00:18:38,726 --> 00:18:40,206
- Oh, please,
he'd be fine about aging
428
00:18:40,249 --> 00:18:41,555
if he can get
a single part.
429
00:18:41,598 --> 00:18:42,947
- Well, this sort of hurts.
430
00:18:43,731 --> 00:18:45,602
- Are you telling me
he doesn't look more and more
431
00:18:45,646 --> 00:18:47,952
like Angela Lansbury
every single day?
432
00:18:47,996 --> 00:18:49,171
- Okay, maybe we don't just--
433
00:18:49,215 --> 00:18:50,346
- Wait, wait, wait.
434
00:18:50,390 --> 00:18:52,261
I have known him
way longer than you.
435
00:18:52,305 --> 00:18:53,610
I should be best man!
436
00:18:53,654 --> 00:18:54,829
- This is stupid!
I know I'm better.
437
00:18:54,872 --> 00:18:56,222
I should be best man.
438
00:18:56,265 --> 00:18:58,572
- Why--would you--
- Stop, stop it, stop!
439
00:18:58,615 --> 00:19:01,662
Stop! Stop, stop!
440
00:19:05,187 --> 00:19:08,147
Why are we fighting over
who's best man?
441
00:19:08,190 --> 00:19:10,236
Isn't marriage
just some weird thing
442
00:19:10,279 --> 00:19:13,587
straight guys came up with
as a way to own a woman?
443
00:19:14,675 --> 00:19:18,200
And sure, it'd be great
to own a woman.
444
00:19:18,244 --> 00:19:21,595
You know, to open jars...
445
00:19:21,638 --> 00:19:23,205
or to hold your purse
446
00:19:23,249 --> 00:19:25,903
while you and your boyfriend
go on the Ferris wheel.
447
00:19:27,427 --> 00:19:29,255
But we are gay men!
448
00:19:29,298 --> 00:19:30,995
We make our own rules!
449
00:19:31,039 --> 00:19:33,824
I say, let's reinvent marriage.
450
00:19:33,868 --> 00:19:35,696
Yeah, rip it apart.
451
00:19:35,739 --> 00:19:37,567
Take off the sleeves,
fringe the bottom,
452
00:19:37,611 --> 00:19:39,395
and crop the top!
453
00:19:42,877 --> 00:19:44,922
So here's my new rule.
454
00:19:44,966 --> 00:19:49,057
I'm gonna have
two best men.
455
00:19:49,100 --> 00:19:52,234
Because, yeah,
we got gay marriage,
456
00:19:52,278 --> 00:19:54,628
but let's make marriage gay!
457
00:19:59,067 --> 00:20:01,330
- Yeah, I can live with
two best men.
458
00:20:01,374 --> 00:20:03,376
- Yeah, me too.
459
00:20:04,638 --> 00:20:07,510
Grace,
when did you get here?
460
00:20:10,557 --> 00:20:12,036
♪
461
00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:15,039
- And sure, it'd be great
to own a woman.
462
00:20:15,083 --> 00:20:16,998
You know, to open jars...
463
00:20:17,041 --> 00:20:18,869
or to hold your purse
464
00:20:18,913 --> 00:20:20,654
while you and your boyfriend
go on the Ferris wheel.
465
00:20:21,698 --> 00:20:25,093
- I can't believe you made it
on the wheel at Ms. Coco's.
466
00:20:26,703 --> 00:20:27,922
- I know!
467
00:20:27,965 --> 00:20:30,968
Everybody at the gay bar
is doing me.
468
00:20:32,970 --> 00:20:35,234
- You haven't said that
for years.
469
00:20:36,278 --> 00:20:37,627
- Honey, I've divided up
470
00:20:37,671 --> 00:20:39,238
our responsibilities
for the wedding.
471
00:20:39,281 --> 00:20:42,589
- Well, yours just says,
"Show up if avail."
472
00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:46,593
- It's a big ask,
but I love the guy.
473
00:20:48,899 --> 00:20:50,553
- Hey.
- Hey, Grace.
474
00:20:50,597 --> 00:20:52,381
Was it torture?
475
00:20:52,425 --> 00:20:55,036
- Uh, it was a lot of things.
476
00:20:55,079 --> 00:20:58,735
But it was good.
Really good.
477
00:20:59,606 --> 00:21:01,564
Thanks for making me go.
478
00:21:01,608 --> 00:21:03,044
So how was brunch?
479
00:21:03,087 --> 00:21:04,959
- Will and Karen did a Jack-off
480
00:21:05,002 --> 00:21:07,091
to decide who would
be my best man,
481
00:21:07,135 --> 00:21:08,789
and you're never
gonna guess who won.
482
00:21:08,832 --> 00:21:10,791
Oh, oh--they both did!
483
00:21:11,792 --> 00:21:12,923
Will, tell her the story.
Actually, don't.
484
00:21:12,967 --> 00:21:14,316
You'll be boring.
Karen, tell her.
485
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,144
♪
31060
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Russian
Samoan
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
