All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.S06E06.WEBRip.x264-ION10

ADULT ADAM:
Back in the '80s, I was
obsessed with musical theater.

From Jesus Christ Superstar
to Phantom of the Opera,

I loved the stage.

At least, most of the time.

People,
the moment has arrived.

My dearest theater students

and kids who do stage crew
for some reason...

I work best
in the shadows.

No one cares, Dan.

This year,
William Penn Academy
will be performing

the most important musical
of our time,

Fiddler on the Roof!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Meh.
"Meh"?

Since when does Adam Goldberg
"meh" a musical?

Fiddler's just so heavy
and dreary and Russian.

I'm more into the happy
toe-tapping musicals,

like Music Man
or Pippin

or not Fiddler.

So, you're not gonna
even audition?

I wanted us to be
Golde and Tevye.

They're the power couple
of peasant Russia.

Like Luke and Laura,
but sadder.

Sorry, girl.

As long as it's
Fiddler on the Roof,
I ain't doing it.

You're doing it.

But you hate all
musicals with every fiber
of your being.

Of course!
They're long and boring,

and they're about cats
or painting wagons.

But Fiddler on the Roof?
The best.

Well, it reminds me
of Pops' sad relatives

who visit us
from the old country.

Their clothes are all schmutzy
and smell like turnips.

Adam, you have to do
this play.

Our people have a few special
things we're all proud of...

Sandy Koufax, The Fonz,
Sammy Davis Jr.,

and Fiddler on the Roof.

Gah, fine!

I'll audition to be
in the chorus or something.

Absolutely not!

In my house,
it's Tevye or nothing.

I don't want to be
the lead!

You're gonna be Tevye,
damn it!

Now put on
my grandfather's old
Russian coat and sing for me.

It's so heavy.

Like the weight of a man
with too many daughters.

How do I already smell?
How?

That's the smell
of greatness.

Now show me your shimmy.
I don't wanna shimmy.

Shimmy for your father,
damn it. Like this.

It's in our blood
and our shoulders.

If that's how you shimmy,
damn it,

we got to go back
to fundamentals.

Come on,
put your game face on. Do it!

Stop riding my back, man!

I'm doing my best.

Stop.
What's going on in here?

Not now, Barry.
Adam's form is off.

I got to coach some sense
into the kid.

Sounds to me like a father
demanding perfection

and telling his son
he's not good enough.

That's exactly
what's happening.

Damn it, I want that!
Why?

'Cause it's my dream
to have a sports dad

who spazzes out in the stands
and calls me a lazy failure

who needs to play harder.

Great. He's yours.
Take him.

Oh, no.
If we're gonna win this part,

we got to buckle down
and dig in.

Fine, forget sports!

Whatever your dumb thing is,
I'll do it.

It's Fiddler on the Roof.

Great. I'll go on the roof
right now with a fiddle.

You don't even have one!

I'm gonna go
bongo on the roof.
Where's the ladder?

Do not get the ladder.
Ladder it is.

Do not go in that garage
and touch my ladder, moron!

I mean it!

Too late,
theater sports dad.

I'll send a rope down
for my bongos.

* I'm twisted up inside

* But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

* I don't know the future

* But the past keeps getting
clearer every day *

ADULT ADAM:
It was November 1st,
1980-something,

and my mom and sister
were helping Geoff prep
for his SATs.

I failed, didn't I?
Oh, God, I failed.

I'm not going to college!

I'm gonna live
under a bridge,

and I'm gonna have to use
the wall as a bathroom.

Dude, I am here for you.

No matter how dumb

the test says you are.

Okay, let's see.
You got...

1,540!

Babe, I am so sorr...
Wait, what?

1,540?
Holy poop!

Yeah,
"Holy poop" is right.

I can go to college now!
And a wide variety.

Yes. Wow.

That's, like,
a super good score.

Is it wrong?
It must be wrong.

I mean,
how is that possible?

Well, I mean,
I get straight As

and I study all the time.

Wait, did you not know
I was smart?

No! I mean, I do hear you talk
about homework a lot,

but all I see is
your cute, dumb face.

Oh, young Geoffrey,
your mother is going to plotz.

Aside from grandchildren,

braggable SAT scores
are the greatest gift
a child can give.

I know. I can for sure
go to UCLA now.

Wait, but that UC
is in LA.

And LA stands
for Los Angeles.

It's where my dad went.

And doing what
other people want

makes me happy
'cause I'm a pleaser.

Bye, babe. Love you.

1,540.

Holy !

I can't believe this.

That stupid goof-ass genius

is gonna leave Philly
and never look back.

Oh, well, can you blame him?

Everybody in LA eats sushi and
has hair just like their dog,

and the cops are so nice
they can't solve crimes,

so Axel Foley helps 'em.

That's all
from Beverly Hills Cop.

Oh, such a good movie.

It has my name

and that Axel Foley
has an infectious giggle.

Stop talking
about Axel Foley!

I will not let Geoff
go to LA.

Oh, squishy...

Some things are just
out of your control.

Not if I make sure
he tanks those SATs.

Shame on you for even thinking
such a thing.

If it's one rule I live by,

it's that you can't smother
your loved ones.

Um, hello?

Remember, I wanted to apply
to college in California?

You tried to sabotage my SATs

by teaching me
fake vocabulary words.

I swear on my life

nothing like that
has even remotely happened.

I came up with some more vocab
cards for you to memorize.

Thanks, Mom.
"Scubulence"?

ADULT ADAM:
Yep, my mom taught Erica
these absurd words

so she'd tank her test
and never leave.

That's a weird word.

I have made enormous strides
as a human being and mama

over the past few years.

Truly, I have changed.

No, you haven't.

You've had the same
insane hair, sweaters,

and obsession with
your kids since forever.

Erica.
One of my biggest regrets

was trying to fool you
with those fake SAT cards.

Trust me, do not make
the same mistake.

Damn it, you're right.

I can't do to Geoff
what you did to me.

I could never stoop
that low.

ADULT ADAM:
And yet, she did.

That day, my sister went
full Beverly Goldberg

to keep the love of her life
close by.

Plorpf! Yes!

ADULT ADAM:
While my sister was ready
to con Geoff,

I was trying to bargain my way
out of Fiddler.

Mr. Goldberg, welcome to
what I can only assume

is the single most important
moment of your young life.

Um, I'm thinking this year
we don't do this dance

where I put you
in the awkward position

of having to give me
a good part

even though
I can't sing or act.

But won't your mom just march
down here and yell at me

when I give you
a lousy part because
of your screechy voice?

I give you my word,

this year there will be
no Beverly Goldberg.

I'm only here
'cause I promised
my dad I'd audition,

so just throw me a few lines
and I'll be on my way.

You got yourself a deal.

ADULT ADAM:
And so I hatched my plan...

...to half-ass my way
through Fiddler.

Dude, I got Lazar Wolf,
the handsome town stud.

That's typecasting
Dave Kim likes.

I'm the constable.

Six lines, no songs,
done by intermission.

Dream role.

Move.
Move your tiny bodies.

Let's go.
Hey!

Dad?
What are you doing here?

Today's our big day!

I wanted to see our name
at the top of the roster.

It's more near the bottom,

but it's still
a very meaty part,
the constable.

What? We wanted Tevye
or nothing.

Well...
Matt Schernecke got it.

MURRAY:
That scrub is Tevye?

He's got a warbly voice
and no stage presence.

What's that?

Mazel Tov, kid.
Way to go, Matt.

Oh, okay.
Don't worry, champ.

I'll get you that part
if it's the last thing I do.

No! Matt Schernecke
is just a boy
with a kind spirit!

You do not do anything
of the sort.

I... You promise
to me, sir.

95% of this game
is mental.

We're gonna go
into Schernecke's head
and make him crack.

You just learn
the lines.

Me, I'll take care
of Schernecke.

ADULT ADAM: That day,
my dad wasn't the only one

with a card up his sleeve.

"Torkulent"?
It means delighted
and a little scared.

"Flimjam"?

To run backwards
in a zig-zag pattern.

Man, I didn't know
any of these SAT words.

I'm so lucky I have you.

You really are.
I'm a great person.

No, she's not.

Mom!
I'm sorry, Geoffrey.

As a yenta,
I have to tell you,

she is trying to keep you
from going to UCLA.

Come on,
Erica would never do that.

Who you gonna believe?
Your adoring girlfriend

or this needy blond-helmeted
guilt monster?

You, obviously.

Our love is built on
an unbreakable trust

that I cherish
more than...

Damn it, it's me!

I'm a terrible person,

and you should just
flimjam away from me
as fast as you can.

Oh, my God.

My girlfriend would
actually tank my future

just to be with me?

You love me so much,
and I love you, too!

Did not see that coming.

Oh, man,
I'd give anything for you

to come with me
to California!

Wait, why can't I?

LA is the center
of the music business.

They have a building
that looks like records.

Well, you can't come
with me because...

Mom.

You said you've changed,
right?

Well, I have
said that recently, yes.

Then this is it.
I'm asking
for your support on this,

and if you really
have changed,

then there's
no answer but yes.

It's a yes.

What?
Huh?

What is that?
I'm lost.

Yes.
Was that yes?

Yes.

I think I heard it
that time. She said yes!

Ahh!

See?
Yes, I have...

I have changed.

I have changed so, so much,
but, uh...

Oh, Pops!

He won't let you go.

Go
What?

I just came in
for an onion bialy.

Erica wants
to move to LA.

LA?

Wow!
That's fantastic.

Hollywood is
so magical.

I'll for sure
visit you.

No!
What?

Uh, to be clear,
I have changed, and
I totally support you,

but, uh, your dad
will not allow you

to move to LA
without knowing a soul.

Well, actually,
we have family there.

Aunt Selma, remember?

Wait,
I have relatives there?

Yes, thank you, Dad.

Her daughter Marci's
out there, too.

She...
She's in advertising.

Thank you, Father.
So helpful.

She does all those catchy
commercial jingles.

They pay very good money.

So helpful, Dad.

Holy crap!

I don't just have family
in LA. I have an in!

You should send her
a tape showing off
your beautiful voice,

so she can hire you.

What a great idea no one
asked you to suggest.

I'm gonna go record
some jingles right now.

I'm gonna go
familiarize myself

with the Los Angeles
freeway system.

ADULT ADAM:
Yep, my mom was cornered into
acting like a changed smother.

Meanwhile, I was doing
whatever I could

not to act in Fiddler.

Channel the character.
You're Tevye.

Take yourself there.

And perform.

I'm having
a hard time focusing.

Balls! My dad's here
to rattle Schernecke's cage.
Huh?

What?
You heard me.
This is bad.

Mr. Goldberg,
if you're gonna
watch rehearsal,

you have to respect
my stage.

Sure. It's your team.
Manage it.

All right.

Take it from the top,
Matthew, all right?

Be Tevye.

Feel the burden
of the humble dairyman

with five
handsome daughters.

Bah!
Mr. Goldberg!

I'm sorry.
I don't buy this kid
having five daughters.

Do you?

Yes.
I buy it...enough.

C'mon, the kid's
a tomato can.

Can't hit the broad side
of his mark.

This adult man
is hurting my feelings.

MURRAY:
Sack up, Schernecke.

You gotta have thick skin
if you want to make it
in the big show.

Adam, is your dad
gonna be here
the whole time?

I don't know, man.
He took the week off work.

The whole thing's been
off the rails from the start.

I just want my kid to have
a shot at the bigs.

Fine.
If you pipe down,

I'll make him
the understudy
for Tevye.

Does that work
for you?

So, that means
I'll have no lines

and get to just hang
in the wings?

'Cause, yeah,
that super works.

Whoo!
It's on now!

You better watch your back,
fake Tevye.

'Cause we're comin'
for ya.

Dad, stop making
veiled threats
to Matt Schernecke.

They're kind of
not veiled at all.

I'm so sorry.

ADULT ADAM:
With her sights set on LA,

my sister prepped
an epic audition

to get into
the jingle business.

Hello and welcome,
product lovers of all ages.

Prepare to be delighted
by my delightful
jingle medley.

I'm already delighted,
but I'm prepared for more.

* The best part of waking up
is Folgers in your... *

* Plop-plop, fizz-fizz
oh, what a relief... *

* Honeycomb's big
yeah, yeah, yeah *

* Gimme a break
gimme a break... *

* What would you
do-oo-ooh for... *

* An Oscar Mayer wiener... *

* By Mennen! *

* Mommy, wow
I'm a big kid... *

* Meow, meow, meow, meow
meow, meow, meow, meow

* Meow, meow, meow, meow
meow, meow, meow, meow *

Wow!

I don't know
what half of those
are selling, but I'm buying.

Mom, what do you think?

Please, no!

What?
Ugh...

Got some bad news
from cousin Marci last night.

Just out of the blue
like that?

You haven't talked
in 15 years.

Yeah, well,
I've been missing her.

And it's a good thing
I called, too,

because she told me that
for legal reasons,

she can't listen to jingles
from existing products.

But I worked so hard
on these.

I was gonna mail her
a tape.

No! No, you can't.

It has to do with,
uh, torts and briefs
and subpoenas.

I could've been a lawyer,
so it made sense to me.

Well, how am I
gonna impress her
with my jingle voice

if I can't do
any jingles?

Good news...

She told me
about some, uh,

new products that have yet
to be jingled.

Name it, and I'll sing it.
Hit me.

ADULT ADAM: Even though
my mom swore she changed,

in the end,
she couldn't help but lie.

Dr. Steinman's...
Butt Grease.

I'm very curious
about this product.

Dr. Steinman's
a very respected
tushie surgeon.

He developed
the healing ointment himself,

and now he's sharing it
with the world.

Steinman...
I got to sing that?

It's not so easy
on the ear.

It's not great.

But yet, the next one
is even worse.

Barnaby's Baltic Sea Juice.

I don't want
that product.

There's more.

Magellan's Ol' Fashioned
Year Round 'Nog

for people who want eggnog,
but not just at Christmas.

I'd like a good 'nog
in the summer.

Well, if it's up to me,
you're gonna get one.

And I know you
can do it, Schmoo.

And if not, you can
just live here forever.

We'll play it by ear.

Thanks for always being there
for me, Mom.

You're awesome.

Time to get jingling.

Okay, Adam, time to run
that choreography,

so give me
the shimmy.

ADULT ADAM:
I was back at rehearsal,

but unfortunately,
so was my dad.

Is that all you got, AG?

Put your bat on the ball.
Let the big dog eat!

ADULT ADAM:
When Matt's dad heard
I got the understudy,

he came to check
out the competition.

Come on there, Matty boy.
Just how we practiced.

ADULT ADAM:
Turns out the only thing worse
than one sports dad is two.

First, they cheered.

Come on, AG!
Come on, now!
Let's go.

Go big or go home,
Matty boy.
Look alive!

ADULT ADAM:
Then, they bragged.

My son is
a five-tool player.

He sings, dances, acts,
juggles, and mimes.

ADULT ADAM:
Next came the insults.

Give it a rest,
Schernecke.

Your kid's no Tevye.

That wheelbarrow's
got more charisma.
What did you say?

ADULT ADAM:
And then the head games.

Afraid we're gonna take
your spot in the rotation?

'Cause you should be.

Oh, please.

Your son deedle dye-dles
when he should be
dye-dle deedle-ing!

ADULT ADAM: And finally,
the gloves came off.

Stop kicking it on me
first!

Our dads suck.

They really do.

ADULT ADAM:
As our sports dads
ruined theater,

Erica was rehearsing songs
for fake products

my mom lied to her about.

* It's for your bottom
but it's the tops

* Find happiness
in just a glop

* From Dr. Steinman
to every shop

* The one butt grease
that never stops *

Wow. That is
shockingly good.

It's already stuck in my head
and driving me nuts.

You're a genius.

And that's not all!

* Pour it cold
or drink it warm

* It's like seafood
in liquid form

* It's Barnaby's
the juice of the sea *

Wow. You really
worked hard on these.

Okay, there's gonna be lines
out the door

to drink
that salty fish juice.

And this next one
is dedicated to you.

Oh,
that's not necessary.

No, it is.

You talked to Marci and made
all this happen for me.

You have changed,
and I love you.

Just focus on the song.

* You gotta remember
'nog ain't just for December

* You can 'nog
all summer afternoon... *

It's all a lie!
What?

None of these products
are real,

and frankly, I don't get
how you thought they were.

'Cause you swore it was real
and that you changed!

Okay, I'm sorry I freaked out
about you moving,

but good thing is, I stopped
before any damage was done.

But there was damage!

So much damage!

I sent these insane
jingles to Marci.
Wazzat?

I sent her a cassette!

She's gonna think
I'm some crazy person

who peddles weird oyster water
and all-purpose 'nog.

There is no going back
from this.

Okay, Mama will fix it.

I'll call Marci
and explain everything.

Sure, explain how it's my SATs
all over again, but worse.

Don't say that.

It's true.

For the first time
since dropping out of college,

I had hope.

Thanks a lot.

ADULT ADAM:
My sports dad embarrassed me
in the theater world,

and I was ready
to close the curtain.

Stupid heavy jacket
from the old country!

Whoa.

Everything okay, man?

No, Ruben Amaro Jr.,
everything's not okay.

What happened, bro?

You break up with that girl
who dated me freshman year?

No, and I'd prefer
we not discuss that.

It's my dad. He insists
on coming to every
single practice.

I hear ya. My dad comes
to every practice, too.

So you get
how much it sucks.

No.
My dad's my best friend.

I'm almost done,
champ!

Let's warm up that arm
before practice.

Be there
in a minute, Pop.

Just talking to my
ex-girlfriend's
little boyfriend here.

I love how you're always there
for everyone.

You taught me well,
Dad.

I love you, son.

I love you more!

Wow. This is just like
the total opposite
of my experience.

What can I say?

Ruben Sr. was
an athlete himself,

so he knows how crazy
sports dads can get.

I re-gripped your bat,
buddy.

Super thoughtful,
Dad!

Yeah, last thing he wants is
for me to get burnt out

so I fake an injury
or quit altogether.

You're right!
I can totally fake an injury!

I'll pretend I lost my voice
so I can't sing.

Wait, what sport
do you play?

The greatest sport
of all, theater.

Yeah, I kinda wish I knew that
before I got involved.

There you are, AG.

Come on, you got the call.
You're goin' in.

Bad news.
Lost my voice.
Whatcha gonna do?

Hydrate it.
Suck on a lozenge.

Get back out there!

Ruben, get away
from that demanding father.

He'll kill your spirit.

On it, Pop.

Who the hell's that?

That is the wonderful father
of Ruben Amaro Jr.

named Ruben Amaro Sr.,
and I wish that was us.

That is us!
I'm here.

I'm trying to help you,
you moron!

Well, you're not!

I hate this play,
and now I hate all musicals.

So thank you for taking
my favorite thing in the world

and ruining it.

(MIKE + THE MECHANICS
PLAYING THE LIVING YEARS)

Schmoo?

Save your schmoos.
I don't want to
hear it from you.

I just got off the phone
with cousin Marci.

Oh, God, well,
what did you do now?

Nothing.

Apparently, Marci played
your jingles for her office,

and they loved 'em.

Thought it was
a bold stunt.

Stunt?

You gave me those songs
to make me look like
a crazy person.

Well, they don't need
to know that.

That's great, but it doesn't
make up for the fact

that you sabotaged me
and you're never gonna change.

I know.

Truth is, I am a selfish,
scheming mama bear

who can't
let her kids leave

because she loves them
so damn much.

And the worst thing is,

I'll be like this
'til I'm 75 years old.

If that's your way of saying
I'm sorry, it's not working.

I knew you were
gonna say that.

So I thought maybe some
new flash cards might help.

* Say it loud

Don't.

* Say it loud

* Say it clear

Really not helping.

* Whoa-oh, say it clear *

God.

* You can listen

Still a no.

* As well as you hear

"Rapplepop," really?

* It's too late

* It's too late

Even if I'm
in Los Angeles?

* When we die

* Whoa-oh, when we die

* To admit

* We don't see eye to eye...

How did you know
I was gonna ask that?

'Cause I know you
better than anyone, schmoo.

And the one thing about me
that'll never change

is how much
I rapplepop you.

* Between the present
and the past

I rapplepop you too, Mom.

* We only sacrifice
the future

* It's the bitterness
that lasts...

Whatcha doing?

Thinking about joining
the baseball team.

All the dads there seem to be
very kind and supportive.

I deserve that.

If you're just gonna
yell at me again...

I'm really not.

All I want is for you
to follow me.

ADULT ADAM:
And for the first time ever,

my dad was the one who shared
a home movie with me.

* Say it, say it
say it loud...

Okay,
what am I looking at?

Me.

You were in Fiddler?

I played Tevye.

I only auditioned
because my dad loved the play.

But Pop-Pop
hates everything.

Not this.

He was so proud.

He would sit
in the front row
every night.

And for the first time,

I felt close to the guy,
you know?

So, that's why
this means so much to you?

I know it's stupid.

But I just wanted us
to have the same thing
I had with my dad.

ADULT ADAM:
In that moment,
I realized why my father

became a crazed sports dad
when it came to Fiddler.

He wasn't trying to live
through me.

He was trying to connect
the only way he knew how.

And with a little perspective,

I finally understood just
how great of a play it was.

Sometimes,
it's hard to understand

why the people we love
act the way they do.

But when you put
your trust in them,

that's when the real
traditions come to life.

* Hey, so say it, say it
say it loud... *

Okay, everyone
shut your faces.

Dad, I've decided
who I'm gonna

be in Fiddler on the Roof,

so you can finally be

my sports theater Dad.

His sports what?
Don't ask.

I shall be Lazer Wolf.

Stop! The play's over!

Ah.

You're trying to motivate me.

Well, Lazer Wolf never quits
'cause he's got lasers!

Moron! Lazar Wolf is
the respected town butcher.

I don't know what any
of that was.

It's for the best.