Original subtitles

BY THE WAY, THAT'S ME, 6'1", 46-INCH CHEST,

16-INCH BICEPS, 28-INCH WAIST.

A VERITABLE GOD...

I WISH.

OKAY, THAT'S ME.

MICHAEL NOVOTNY, THE SEMI-CUTE "BOY NEXT DOOR" TYPE.

29, 5'10", 140, 9-1/2 CUT; ALL RIGHT, SO I EXAGGERATE,

BUT LIKE, WHO'S TOLD THE TRUTH SINCE THEY INVENTED CYBERSEX?

[ ?????? ]

WHEN DID '70s NIGHT BECOME '80s NIGHT?

I REMEMBER THIS SONG FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

TALK ABOUT FEELING ANCIENT.

SPEAK FOR YOUR- SELF, HONEY, I WAS A MERE CHILD.

Michael: [ Narrating ] THOSE ARE MY TWO BUDDIES, TED AND EMMETT.

GIVE ME THOSE DIVAS OF DISCO ANY DAY. GLORIA GAYNOR.

DONNA SUMMER.

AND MISS ALISHA BRIDGES.

?? I LOVE THE NIGHT LIFE ?? OH!

All: ?? I LIKE TO BOOGIE ??

?? ON THE DISCO FLOOR ??

?? AH-H-H-H ??

O-OH... MY GOD.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING MORE BEAUTIFUL?

VENICE, AT SUNSET.

FINE, YOU GO DOWN THE GRAND CANAL,

I'LL GO DOWN ON HIM.

O-OH-H-H!

Michael: [ Narrating ] EMMETT CAN BE A LITTLE CAMPY.

OKAY, A LOT CAMPY. BUT YOU GOT TO ADMIT,

IT TAKES REAL GUTS TO BE A QUEEN IN A WORLD FULL OF COMMONERS.

THE PROBLEM WITH PERFECTION

IS ITS INABILITY TO RECOGNIZE

ANYTHING LESS PERFECT THAN ITSELF.

IN OTHER WORDS, YOU HIT ON HIM

AND HE TURNED YOU DOWN.

YEAH.

Michael: [ Narrating ] TED'S THIS REALLY SMART GUY AND HE'S GOT A REALLY BIG HEART.

ONLY, NOBODY HERE IS INTERESTED IN THE SIZE OF THAT ORGAN.

WHY AM I WASTING MY TIME

STARING AT A BUNCH OF OVER-PUMPED PRINCESSES

WITH IQs SMALLER THAN THEIR WAIST...

JESUS, LOOK AT HIM.

Michael: [ Narrating ] LIKE I SAID, IT'S ALL ABOUT SEX.

EXCEPT WHEN YOU'RE HAVING IT.

AND THEN IT'S ALL ABOUT, "WILL HE STAY?" "WILL HE GO?"

"HOW AM I DOING?" "WHAT AM I DOING?"

UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU'RE...

BRIAN KINNEY.

AND THEN IT'S, "WHO GIVES A FUCK WHAT YOU THINK?

YOU'RE LUCKY TO HAVE ME."

[ ?????? ]

I'LL GET BRIAN.

[ ?????? ]

Two men: [ Moans of passion ]

HEY, TODD, HOW'S IT GOING? FINE.

[ ?????? ]

WE NEED TO GO.

WE WANT TO EAT.

I'M JUST GOING TO GIVE HIM MY NUMBER.

WHAT'D YOU DO, WRITE IT ON YOUR DICK?

HOW LONG IS THIS GOING TO TAKE?

10 MINUTES, TOPS.

[ Sigh ]

[ Mixed chatter/ laughter ]

HMM, BRUNO.

LO-OVE YOUR OUTFIT.

NOT EVERYONE CAN WEAR TANGERINE.

HOW LONG ARE WE GOING TO WAIT? I'VE GOT TO WORK IN THE MORNING.

WHO DOESN'T? HE SAID HE'D BE RIGHT OUT.

YEAH, WE'VE ALL HEARD THAT BEFORE.

THIS IS SOME GREAT SYSTEM HE'S GOT.

HE GETS TO PARTY ALL NIGHT AND YOU DRIVE HIM HOME.

IT'S NO BIG DEAL, OKAY?

HMM. DON'T LOOK NOW BUT, UH,

SOMEBODY'S WATCHING.

OH, HIM. HE HAS BEEN CRUISING ME ALL NIGHT.

HMM, PLAYING HARD TO GET.

I LOVE THAT IN A MAN.

NOT PLAYING, JUST NOT INTERESTED.

CHECK OUT THAT BUBBLE BUTT.

AND THAT BASKET.

ENOUGH IN THERE FOR THE BIG, BAD WOLF.

WOULD YOU QUIT STARING?

THERE'S MORE TO A GUY THAN HIS COCK SIZE.

HMM.

Man: LOOK AT THAT!

OR HIS PERFECTLY SHAPED ASS.

WHICH IS WHY YOU READ ALL THOSE COMIC BOOKS

WITH THOSE SUPER- HEROES IN THEIR LITTLE TIGHTS...

FOR THE PLOT.

I TOLD YOU, I AM NOT INTERESTED.

MAYBE JUST FOR ONCE YOU SHOULD BE.

SHOW A CERTAIN SOMEONE

HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SCORE.

[ ?????? ]

?? I'VE GOT A DEEPER LOVE DEEPER LOVE ??

?? I'VE GOT A DEEPER LOVE DEEP DEEPER LOVE ??

?? I'VE GOT A DEEPER LOVE DEEP DEEPER LOVE ??

?? I'VE GOT A DEEPER LOVE DEEP DEEPER LOVE ??

[ ?????? ]

'SCUSE ME.

UH, COULD YOU TELL ME, LIKE,

WHERE'S A GOOD PLACE TO GO?

DEPENDS WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.

YOU WANT TWINKIES, GO TO BOYTOY.

YOU WANT LEATHER, GO TO THE MEATHOOK.

IF YOU WANT SNOTTY, CONCEITED ASSHOLES

WHO THINK THEY'RE BETTER THAN EVERYBODY ELSE, TRY PISTOL.

IT'S KIND OF LATE TO BE OUT, THOUGH, ISN'T IT?

ESPECIALLY ON A SCHOOL NIGHT.

WHY DON'T YOU COME HOME WITH ME, HMM?

NO THANKS. HUH!

GO ON HOME TO YOUR MOMMY.

GO ON.

[ Mixed chatter ]

THAT WAS QUICK.

WELL, WHEN YOU'VE HAD AS MUCH PRAC- TICE AS HE'S HAD...

I GOT BORED.

I KNOW. GETTING YOUR DICK SUCKED CAN BESOTEDIOUS.

WELL, HE LOOKED PRETTY HOT TO ME.

Brian: ANYBODY WOULD LOOK HOT TO YOU.

[ ?????? ]

Michael: [ Narrating ] AND THAT'S WHEN IT HAPPENED.

WHENHECAME ALONG.

[ ?????? ]

HOW'S IT GOING?

HAD A BUSY NIGHT?

JUST, UH, CHECK- ING OUT THE BARS, YOU KNOW?

BOYTOY, MEATHOOK.

THE MEATHOOK. REALLY?

SO YOU'RE INTO LEATHER?

SURE.

WHERE YOU HEADED?

NO PLACE SPECIAL.

I CAN CHANGE THAT.

HEY!

HEY! WHAT ABOUT US?

YOU CAN RIDE WITH TED.

THANKS A LOT. ASSHOLE!

WELL, IF IT ISN'T MISS RIDING HOOD AND HER BIG BASKET.

Michael: FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO STALK, I'M NOT INTERESTED.

GO HOME.

COMING IN?

HUH? OH, YEAH.

SHUT THE DOOR.

THIS IS A... REALLY NICE PLACE.

I LIKE YOUR KITCHEN.

DO YOU LIKE SPECIAL K?

IT'S OKAY. I LIKE CHEERIOS BETTER.

I DON'T MEAN THE KIND YOU EAT WITH BANANAS.

MY DISCO-PHARMACOLOGIST COOKS THIS UP FOR ME.

I'M REALLY ALLERGIC TO A LOT OF DRUGS.

THE DOCTOR GAVE ME PENICILLIN ONCE,

NEARLY KILLED ME.

AND...

TYLENOL. TYLENOL?

NO ONE'S ALLERGIC TO TYLENOL. TYLENOL'S WHAT THEY GIVE YOU

WHEN YOU'RE ALLERGIC TO EVERYTHING ELSE.

OH.

WELL, UH, CODEINE. CODEINE'S THE WORST.

LIKE, I GET DIARRHEA

AND START VOMITING UNCONTROLLABLY AT THE SAME TIME.

WELL, WE'LL MAKE SURE AND KEEP THAT ONE ON THE TOP SHELF.

OUT OF REACH.

SO, ARE YOU COMING OR GOING?

?? BOY ??

OR COMING AND THEN GOING?

OR COMING AND STAYING?

?? BOY ??

[ ?????? ]

?? MAN ?? ?? MAN ??

?? BOY ?? ?? BOY ??

?? MAN ?? ?? MAN ??

?? TOY ?? ?? BOY ??

?? MAN ?? ?? MAN ??

?? BOY ?? ?? BOY ??

?? MAN ?? ?? MAN ??

?? TOY ?? ?? BOY ??

?? TURN AROUND ??

? ?? STAND UP LIKE A MAN AND LOOK ME IN THE EYE ?

?? TURN AROUND ??

?? TAKE ONE FINAL LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE LEFT BEHIND ??

[ Gasp ] ?? THEN WALK AWAY ??

?? FROM THE GREATEST LOVER YOU HAVE EVER KNOWN ??

?? YES WALK AWAY ??

?? YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT YOU CAN MAKE IT ON YOUR OWN ??

?? BY YOURSELF ALL ALONE WITHOUT MY HELP ??

?? MISTER, YOU JUST MADE A BIG MISTAKE ??

?? YOU THINK YOU'RE A MAN BUT YOU'RE ONLY A BOY ??

?? YOU THINK YOU'RE A MAN, YOU ARE ONLY A TOY ??

?? YOU THINK YOU'RE A MAN BUT YOU JUST COULDN'T SEE... ??

THANK YOU FOR THE LIFT.

SEE YA. BYE.

Emmett: OH MY GOD, LOOK.

HE MUST HAVE FOLLOWED US.

CHRIST, THAT'S JUST WHAT I NEED.

Emmett: HONEY, IT'S WHAT WE ALL NEED.

HEY! WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU GOT LAID?

MY POINT EXACTLY.

IF YOU CAN'T REMEMBER, THEN IT'S TIME.

NOW, WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS?

GO, UH, GO INVITE THE GENTLEMAN IN

WHILE I MAKE SURE NONE OF MY FINE WASHABLES

ARE HANGING IN THE TUB.

[ Breathing Heavily ]

[ Moaning ]

DON'T COME YET.

HAH, I'LL TRY.

[ Panting ]

STOP.

[ Sighing ]

SO, WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO?

DO?

I DON'T KNOW.

WATCH TV, PLAY TOMB RAIDER.

[ Chuckling ] I MEAN IN BED.

OH.

THIS IS FINE.

ARE YOU A TOP OR A BOTTOM?

TOP... AND BOTTOM.

OH, YOU'RE VERSATILE, THEN.

AND AMBIDEXTROUS...

WHICH WAS REALLY CONFUSING AT FIRST

'CAUSE I COULD NEVER FIGURE OUT WHICH HAND TO THROW WITH.

DO YOU LIKE TO RIM?

SURE. I LOVE IT.

GREAT.

GO TO IT.

WELL?

UM, WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN?

[ Ringing of telephone ]

YEAH?

WHAT?

[ Gasping ]

WHEN?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

NO, OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT KIDDING ME. WHEN DID IT HAPPEN?

WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?

WELL, OF COURSE I WAS OUT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

[ Gasp of climax ] SHIT!

JESUS CHRIST! I TOLD YOU NOT TO.

I TRIED. I'M SORRY.

ALL OVER MY NEW DUVET. I TRIED.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

IT'LL WASH OUT, WON'T IT?

I MEAN, YOU SHOULD SEE MY SHEETS AT HOME.

JUST SOME KID. WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN?

JUSTIN. JUSTIN.

I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

OOH, DON'T MIND ME.

JUST, UH, CAN'T SLEEP

WITHOUT MY MILK AND OREOS.

THAT'S MY FRIEND EMMETT. HE'S STAYING WITH ME TEMPORARILY

SINCE THE HOOKER WHO LIVED DOWN THE HALL FROM HIM

BURNED HIS APART- MENT BUILDING DOWN TWO YEARS AGO.

TWO YEARS IS A LONG TIME TO BE TEMPORARY.

AND YET IT HASN'T INTERFERED WITH MY LOVE LIFE.

WHICH, I SUPPOSE, SAYS A LOT ABOUT MY LOVE LIFE.

DO YOU MIND IF WE SKIP THE BACK STORY AND CUT TO THE CHASE?

IT'S ALMOST 2:00 IN THE MORNING.

YOU HAVE A GREAT ASS.

OH YEAH?

SO DO YOU, IT'S REALLY...

FIRM.

IT'S CALLED "THE BUTT".

I GOT IT IN A CATALOGUE.

[ Ringing of telephone ]

PARTS DEPARTMENT.

MELANIE CALLED. IT'S HAPPENED.

WHAT? OH MY GOD! WHEN?

Brian: [ On telephone ] I don't know, I had my damn cell phone off.

I'M PICKING YOU UP IN TWO MINUTES.

NOW? I... KIND OF GOT MY HANDS FULL.

"THE BULGE".

YOU ORDER BOTH, YOU GET A DISCOUNT.

WHO'S THAT?

UH, NO ONE.

MIKEY, YOU'VE GOT SOMEONE THERE WITH YOU.

I can't believe it.

YOU SHOULD ONLY BE HERE.

Forget about it, don't let me bother you.

FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF HIM.

NO, WAIT. PICK ME UP. I-I'M READY.

NOW.

WE GOING TO DO THIS OR NOT?

I AM REALLY, REALLY SORRY.

UM, A FRIEND OF MINE NEEDS ME.

IT'S AN EMERGENCY.

SHIT. AFTER ALL THAT? I KNOW.

I PROMISE WE'LL RESCHEDULE.

NO "IFS", "ANDS" OR...

WHAT'S GOING ON? EVERYTHING.

COME ON, GET UP. YOU GOTTA GO.

WHERE? HOME.

I CAN'T GO HOME NOW. MY...

MY PARENTS THINK I'M STAYING AT A FRIEND'S.

YOU LIVE WITH YOUR PARENTS?

WELL, I'M STILL IN SCHOOL.

I MEAN, COLLEGE.

WHAT YEAR ARE YOU IN? JUNIOR.

SOPHOMORE. BETWEEN MY JUNIOR AND SOPHOMORE YEAR.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

21.

WHAT YEAR WERE YOU BORN?

1979.

BULLSHIT. YOU HAD TO THINK BEFORE YOU ANSWERED THAT.

HOW OLD ARE YOU REALLY?

20.

19.

18.

WELL WHAT IS THIS, A MISSILE LAUNCH?

17.

[ Sigh ]

WHAT IS WITH KIDS TODAY?

WE JUST WANT TO GET LAID LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN WITH ANYONE BEFORE?

SURE.

WELL, NOT EXACTLY.

THIS IS SORT OF MY FIRST.

I FIGURED.

KIND OF YOUNG, AREN'T YOU?

WELL, I WAS 14 MY FIRST TIME.

THAT'S REALLY YOUNG.

WITH MY GYM TEACHER.

I BET HE WAS SOME OLD PERV.

THAT OLD PERV WAS PROBABLY THE SAME AGE THAT I AM NOW.

IT WAS AFTER SCHOOL IN THE LOCKER ROOMS.

HE WAS TAKING A SHOWER.

I WENT BACK FOR SOMETHING.

A BOOK, MY JOCKSTRAP,

I DON'T REMEMBER.

ANYWAY, THERE HE WAS ALL NAKED SOAPING HIMSELF.

HE SAW ME THERE,

A BIG BONER UNDER MY CHINOS.

SHIT. I WALKED RIGHT INTO THE SHOWERS

WITH ALL MY CLOTHES ON.

[ Snort ] NO.

GOT DOWN ON MY KNEES

AND SUCKED HIM OFF RIGHT THERE.

HE LET YOU?

LET ME?

HE LOVED IT.

I BET YOU WERE SCARED.

WELL, I GUESS WE'RE ALL A LITTLE SCARED OUR FIRST TIME.

BUT I DON'T REMEMBER ANY MORE.

[ Honking of car horn ]

[ Squealing of tires ]

YOU BROUGHT HIM?

HE'S GOT NO- WHERE TO GO.

GET IN.

Michael: JEEZ!

[ ?????? ]

OH, MY GOD.

SAY HELLO TO YOUR SON.

[ Cooing of baby ]

WELL, GO ON.

WHEN DID IT START?

AROUND 7:00.

SIX HOURS LATER, THERE HE WAS.

OH, I WISH I COULD HAVE BEEN HERE.

HOW OFTEN DO I GET TO SEE SNATCH?

LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU.

I GUESS HE MUST BE MINE THEN.

WANT TO HOLD HIM?

OKAY, CAREFUL. DON'T DROP HIM.

THAT'S JUST WHAT I WAS PLANNING ON DOING.

[ Crying of baby ]

WE'VE BEEN THINKING OF NAMES.

MEL WANTS TO CALL HIM ABRAHAM AFTER HER GRANDFATHER,

BUT I LIKE GUS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

YOU WOULDN'T SURVIVE A DAY AT SCHOOL BEING NAMED ABRAHAM.

BUT I GUESS GUS IS OKAY.

HAH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, AND WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

HIS NAME'S J...

JUSTIN.

YOU WERE ON THE PHONE WHEN HE SHOT HIS LOAD ALL OVER ME.

[ Groans of disgust ]

OH, BRIAN!

Brian: HE CAN'T HELP IT.

HE'S ONLY 17.

SO, YOU AND LINDSAY EACH HAD AN INFANT TONIGHT.

YEAH, BUT MINE DOESN'T SUCK ON MY TITS.

NOT UNLESS I WANT HIM TO.

"GUS". IT'S A GOOD BUTCH NAME.

COME ON, GUS,

GIVE YOUR DADDY A SMILE.

[ Clicking of camera ]

[ Crying of baby ]

Michael: IT'S DISGUSTING, ALL THOSE LESBIANS

FAWNING OVER HIM AND MAKING GOO-GOO TALK.

THAT'S WHAT WOMEN DO OVER BABIES.

WHO'S TALKING ABOUT THE BABY? I MEAN JUSTIN.

IT'S KIND OF WEIRD, YOU HAVING A KID.

STILL, IT'S EXCITING, ISN'T IT?

WHAT? HAVING SOME WRINKLED LITTLE TIME- CLOCK TICKING AWAY?

REMINDING YOU THAT YOU'RE GETTING OLDER BY THE MINUTE.

BY THE SECOND?

KEEP THINKING LIKE THAT YOU'RE GOING TO END UP PREMATURELY GRE-EY.

OH, I THINK I SEE ONE.

OW!

WHY DIDN'T SOMEBODY TRY AND STOP ME?

HELLO? SOMEBODY DID.

BUT YOU WOULDN'T LISTEN. YOU HAD TO LET LINDSAY

FILL YOUR HEAD WITH ALL HER BULLSHIT FLATTERY.

"OH, BRIAN, YOU'RE SO GOOD LOOKING.

OH, OH, BRIAN, Y-Y-YOU'RE SO SMART.

OH, OH, YOU'VE GOT SUCH GREAT GENES, BRIAN,

AND I DON'T MEAN YOUR 501s."

AND NOW YOU'RE STUCK WITH A KID.

FOR LIFE.

WELL THERE IS ALWAYS ONE SOLUTION.

I COULD END IT ALL RIGHT NOW.

OH, THAT'D BE DRAMATIC.

JUST LIKE "ER", BIRTH AND DEATH IN THE SAME EPISODE.

NOW GET DOWN!

WELL, YOU'LL HAVE TO COME GET ME...

I'M SERIOUS. STOP CLOWNING.

OR I'LL JUMP!

?? I CAN FEEL MY SOUL ASCENDING ??

?? I'M ON MY WAY ??

?? CAN'T STOP ME NOW ??

?? AND YOU CAN DO THE SAME ??

?? YEAH ??

?? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TODAY ??

?? TO MAKE YOU FEEL PROUD ??

?? IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO TRY... ??

COME ON, MIKEY, LET'S FLY.

LIKE IN ALL THOSE COMIC BOOKS.

I'M SUPERMAN.

I'LL SHOW YOU THE WORLD.

WHY AM I ALWAYS LOIS LANE?

?? ?? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TODAY

?? TO MAKE YOU FEEL PROUD ??

[ ?????? ]

?? STILL SO MANY ANSWERS ??

?? I DON'T KNOW... ??

CONGRATULATIONS...

DAD.

?? ...REALIZE THAT TO QUESTION ??

?? IS HOW WE GROW ??

?? TO QUESTION IS TO GROW ??

?? SO I STEP OUT OF THE ORDINARY ??

?? I CAN FEEL MY SOUL ASCENDING ??

SORRY.

HONESTLY.

FUCKED HIM.

YOU DID NOT, YOU LOOKED AT HIM.

THAT MAY APPEAR TO BE WHAT HAPPENED,

BUT WE DID IT ALL.

OH YEAH, AND HOW WAS HE?

FABULOUS.

WANT ONE? NO.

MORE FOR ME.

LISTEN, YOU'RE GOING TO GO SAY GOODNIGHT TO LINDSAY,

YOU'RE GOING TO GO HOME, GO TO BED

AND GET UP AND GO TO WORK FOR THE NEXT 20 YEARS TO SUPPORT YOUR KID.

Woman: YOU SEE THIS LINE, HOW DEEP IT IS?

THAT MEANS YOU'RE VERY CREATIVE.

THAT'S TRUE. I WANT TO BE A CARTOONIST OR A COMPUTER ANIMATOR.

IT'S FAR TOO LESBIANIC OUT HERE FOR A YOUNG BOY.

OUT.

I'LL MEET YOU OUT FRONT.

Nurse: I'M SORRY, SIR, YOU'LL HAVE TO COME BACK TOMORROW.

THE MOTHER NEEDS HER REST.

AND SO DOES THE FATHER.

IT'S OKAY, NURSE.

SWEET DREAMS, SONNY BOY.

FIRST NIGHT ON EARTH.

HON, COULD YOU GET ME SOME ICE

AND MAYBE SOME- THING FIZZY?

HOW ABOUT SOME GINGER ALE?

UH, ANYTHING FOR YOU?

UH, IF YOU SEE ANY AMYL NITRATE LAYING AROUND.

ALONE AT LAST.

CAREFUL.

WELL, HERE WE ARE.

MA AND PA.

[ Crying ]

HEY.

DON'T MIND ME,

JUST FEELING A LITTLE... VULNERABLE.

[ Laughing ]

I PROMISE NOT TO TELL.

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT?

YOU AND ME.

PARENTS.

IT'S PRETTY SCARY, BOYS AND GIRLS.

THINK IT'S TOO LATE TO RETURN IT?

WE COULD TRY.

OHH.

I GUESS THIS MEANS WE'RE FINALLY GROWN-UPS.

"DON'T SAY THAT, WENDY,

WE'LL NEVER GROW UP."

DON'T BE SCARED.

HELL, IF OUR PARENTS COULD FUCK UP, SO CAN WE.

[ Sighing ]

I DON'T WANT YOU TO WORRY.

ABOUT MONEY, I MEAN.

IF YOU NEED ANYTHING...

NO, WE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

BUT THANKS.

I WOULD'VE FUCKED YOU, YOU KNOW?

OH!

IF I WASN'T AFRAID YOUR LOVER'D BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

STOP.

I MEAN IT.

SHE COULD TAKE OUT OSCAR DE LA RENTA.

YOU MEAN LA HOYA.

WHATEVER.

WELL, YOU HAD PLENTY OF CHANCES.

AND I TOOK ADVANTAGE OF A FEW, IF I RECALL.

IT WASN'T HALF BAD.

NOW YOU TELL ME?

YOU MEAN I COULD HAVE BEEN STRAIGHT THIS WHOLE TIME?

I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.

WELL THEN I GUESS IT'S JUST AS WELL.

ICE?

TICK-TICK-TICK.

TICK.

TICK. TICK.

TICK.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M JUST REPEATING THE FIRST WORDS

MY SONNY BOY SAID TO ME.

IT WASN'T "DA-DA".

IT WAS TICK- TICK-TICK-TICK.

SMART LITTLE FUCKER.

HE CAN TELL TIME ALREADY.

BRIAN, WHAT DID YOU TAKE?

?? A-B-C-D-E-E-E ??

I'M JUST TEACHING MY KID THE ALPHABET.

?? EXHALE SLOWLY ??

I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU.

I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU ALL NIGHT.

[ Panting ]

[ Screeching of tires ]

SHIT!

SORRY, I DIDN'T WANT TO HIT THAT DOGGIE.

FUCK THE DOGGIE.

OKAY, BOY WONDER.

I'M TAKING YOU HOME. WHERE DO I TURN?

HE'S GOING WITH ME.

OH NO, HE'S NOT.

POP QUIZ. NO TALKING.

HERE'S A QUESTION. MULTIPLE CHOICE.

DO YOU WANT TO COME HOME WITH ME?

A: YES,

B: YES,

OR C: YES.

TICK, TICK, TICK. TIME'S UP. PENCILS DOWN.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

NONE OF THE ABOVE.

HE'S GOING HOME.

I'M GOING WITH HIM.

GOOD BOY.

YOU GET AN "A" PLUS.

[ Panting ]

[ Gasping ]

NOW YOU KNOW WHAT RIMMING IS.

HE CALLS ME, PRACTICALLY BEGS ME TO GO WITH HIM,

KNOWING FULL WELL I'M WITH SOMEONE

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG.

SEVEN MONTHS, TWO WEEKS AND THREE DAYS.

THANK YOU.

AND EVEN THOUGH THE GUY WASN'T ALL HE WAS CRACKED UP TO BE...

WE'LL LET THAT REMARK PASS.

AT LEAST HE WANTEDME.

ME.

GOD, I AM SO HORNY.

POOR BABY.

WELL I HAVE JUST THE THING.

A NEW PORN VIDEO.

IT ALL TAKES PLACE IN A PRISONER-OF-WAR CAMP.

"HOT, HORNY MEN STARVED FOR ACTION".

I CAN RELATE TO THAT.

GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOUR PRIVATES STAND UP AND SALUTE.

"SCHINDLER'S FIST"?

AH-H-H.

HERE, I WILL LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE.

I'M SURE YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A DEEP, MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP.

GOOD NIGHT.

Drill Sergeant: [ On TV ] OKAY, PRIVATE, DROP TROU AND BEND OVER.

Private: [ On TV ] FOR MY PHYSICAL, SIR?

Drill Sergeant: NO, TARGET PRACTICE.

Private: YES, SIR.

Drill Sergeant: [ Lewd chuckle ]

Brian: PUT YOUR LEGS UP

ON MY SHOULDERS.

[ Panting ]

THAT'S IT.

OH, WAIT.

IN SCHOOL WE HAD THIS LECTURE...

ABOUT SAFE SEX.

AND NOW WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A DEMONSTRATION.

PUT IT ON ME.

GO ON.

SLIP IT ON MY DICK.

AH! IT'S COLD.

IT'LL HEAT UP.

JUST...

GO SLOW, OKAY?

[ Gasp of pain ]

AH! AH!

[ Panting ]

IT HURTS.

DOES IT ALWAYS HURT?

A LITTLE BIT.

BUT THAT'S A PART OF IT.

[ Exhaling ]

NOW RELAX.

I WANT YOU TO ALWAYS REMEMBER THIS.

SO THAT NO MATTER WHO YOU'RE EVER WITH...

I'LL ALWAYS BE THERE.

[ ?????? ]

[ Groaning ]

[ Beeping of alarm clock ]

[ Heavy sigh ]

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?

Y-YOU SAID I COULD STAY.

RIGHT.

YOUR PARENTS.

THEY THINK YOU'RE AT A FRIEND'S.

JESUS CHRIST! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?

[ Laughing ]

DON'T TELL ME.

I WAS DOING HANDSTANDS.

AND JUGGLING.

YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD.

SHIT.

WHY DO I DO THESE THINGS?

I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

IT WAS THAT FUCKING PIG ANITA.

SHE TOLD ME THAT WAS "E". THAT WASN'T "E",

THAT WAS SOME SHIT THEY COOKED UP IN A BATHTUB IN TIJUANA.

THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER TAKE DRUGS

THAT AREN'T PRESCRIBED BY A PHYSICIAN,

OR RECOMMENDED BY A RELIABLE PHARMACIST.

[ Chuckle of disbelief ]

WHAT ARE YOU?

A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT?

GET DRESSED, I'LL DRIVE YOU HOME.

YOU CAN'T.

MICHAEL HAS THE CAR. WHY HAS HE GOT IT?

YOU WERE TOO HIGH... I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

I WAS THERE.

I REMEMBER EVERYTHING...

PERFECTLY.

WHAT WAS YOUR NAME AGAIN?

JUSTIN.

YEAH, RIGHT.

[ Sighing ]

CAN I TAKE A SHOWER?

YEAH, BUT HURRY UP.

IT'S THROUGH THERE...

I THINK.

[ Beeping of answering machine ]

Melanie: [ On machine ] Where the hell are you? Your cell's turned off.

If you're there, pick up.

Brian? Listen, Lindsay's water broke.

She's having contractions. We're at the hospital.

FUCK! I HAVE A BABY.

[ Water running ]

Justin: OW! OW!

TWO BABIES.

[ Blaring of car alarm ] [ Banging of metal ]

[ Smashing of glass ]

HOLY SHIT!

[ Hissing of aerosol spray ]

YOU LITTLE BASTARDS! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THERE!

FAGGOT!

QUEER!

FAGGOT!

WHO'RE YOU CALLING A FAGGOT?

WE'VE SEEN YOU. QUEER!

MORNING.

OH, MY LORD.

MOTHERFUCKERS!

I'M CALLING THE COPS.

BRIAN IS GOING TO HAVE A FIT,

YOU KNOW HOW HE FEELS ABOUT HIS JEEP.

WELL IF HE CARES SO MUCH ABOUT IT

THEN HE SHOULDN'T HAVE LENT IT TO ME.

HE KNOWS WHAT A TERRIBLE NEIGH- BOURHOOD THIS IS.

WELL, I, UH, I WAS GOING TO ASK FOR A LIFT TO WORK.

BUT ON SECOND THOUGHT, I THINK I'LL WALK.

HAVE A NICE DAY.

SHIT!

[ Splashing of shower ]

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME I HAD A KID?

YOU SAID YOU REMEMBERED EVERYTHING.

[ Sighing ] IT ALL HAPPENED SO FAST.

WHAT'S HIS NAME AGAIN?

GUS.

I'M THE ONE WHO DECIDED.

DID YOU ACTUALLY FUCK HER?

WHO? LINDSAY.

YOU'RE AWFULLY RUDE.

WELL, DID YOU?

I JERKED OFF IN A CUP,

AND THEY SQUIRTED IT UP HER.

GROSS.

SHE MUST HAVE REALLY WANTED A KID.

MOST WOMEN DO.

EVEN LESBIANS?

LESBIANS ARE WOMEN...

SORT OF.

MY MOM SAYS SOMETIMES SHE WISHED SHE NEVER HAD ME.

THAT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE SHE'S STUCK WITH THIS ANNOYING BRAT FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE.

SO, YOU GONNA RAISE HIM?

[ Laughs ] ME?

NO WAY.

THE MUNCHERS ARE.

BUT I'LL BE AROUND

TO PROVIDE THE MASCULINE INFLUENCE

SO IMPORTANT IN A YOUNG BOY'S LIFE.

I'LL BET MELANIE COULD DO IT BETTER THAN YOU.

DON'T GET SMART, OR I'LL HAVE TO SPANK YOU.

REALLY?

YOU UP FOR ONE MORE?

[ Screeching of tires ] BRIAN!

[ ?????? ]

CHRIST. DIDN'T YOU GET ENOUGH LAST NIGHT?

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS ENOUGH.

BESIDES...

I COULDN'T SEND HIM OFF WITHOUT A NOURISHING HIGH-PROTEIN BREAKFAST.

IT'S GRRR-REAT!

WILL YOU COME ON? I'M NOT GONNA BE LATE BECAUSE OF YOU.

I SAID HURRY UP!

YEAH. SHE SAID, "DON'T BE LATE."

OH, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL, MIKEY. JUST BEAUTIFUL.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT. I TOLD YOU ABOUT THOSE TWO PSYCHOPATHS DOWN THE STREET.

WHAT, A COUPLE OF 12-YEAR-OLDS?

THEY START EARLY THESE DAYS.

WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ? NOTHING.

YOU.

YOU SOUND LIKE MY PARENTS FIGHTING.

IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYWAY. IT'S A COMPANY CAR.

WELL, COME ON. WE HAVE TO TAKE THE CHILD TO SCHOOL.

IN THIS?

YOU CARE?

FUCK NO.

[ Screeching of tires ]

[ Honking of horn ]

HERE WE ARE, SONNY BOY.

BE SURE TO COME HOME RIGHT AFTER SCHOOL.

NO LINGERING ON THE PLAYGROUND

OR IN THE LOCKER ROOM WITH THE GYM TEACHER.

OH, YOU DID NOT TELL HIM ABOUT THAT.

IT'S THE MOST FAMOUS SHOWER SCENE SINCE "PSYCHO."

HEY, JUSTIN! WANNA SUCK ME OFF?

NO, BUT I'LL KICK YOUR TIGHT LITTLE VIRGIN ASS SO HARD,

YOU WON'T SIT DOWN FOR A WEEK.

[ Giggling ]

CAN WE GET OUT OF HERE?

WHEN CAN I SEE YOU AGAIN?

YOU CAN SEE ME RIGHT NOW.

I MEAN LATER-- TONIGHT.

[ Chuckles ] WHO KNOWS WHERE I'LL BE LATER TONIGHT.

WE BETTER GO.

PLEASE?

I'LL SEE YOU IN YOUR DREAMS.

[ Ringing of school bell ]

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? YOUR MOM CALLED.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL HER.

I SAID YOU WERE STILL ASLEEP.

I JUST SAW THE FACE OF GOD.

HUH?

HIS NAME IS BRIAN KINNEY.

Michael: THANK GOD HE'S FINALLY GONE.

Brian: HE ALMOST WORE ME OUT.

SOMEBODY WORE YOU OUT?

I SAID "ALMOST."

I'LL DROP YOU BY THE STORE.

[ Scoffs ] THE HELL YOU WILL.

YOU BETTER GET THIS THING REPAINTED BEFORE YOU GO INTO THE OFFICE.

I'M NOT HAVING IT REPAINTED.

WHAT?

I LIKE IT THIS WAY. ARE YOU CRAZY?

[ Honking of horns ]

NO. THEY ARE.

WELL, I SAY FUCK 'EM.

THEY CAN WRITE IT IN NEON ACROSS THE SKY.

FAGGOT!

[ Both laughing ]

[ Honking of horn ]

?? YOU GAVE ME GIRL'S TOYS ??

?? I'M ONE OF THOSE BOYS ??