Original subtitles

I love to see my Normandy...

It does not go like that. It is French... France...

I love to see my Normandy. It�s the country where I saw the light of day

Wouldn't it be better for me to drive, sir?

- Sir, look out! - What is that idiot doing there?

An Englishman of course. I don�t like Englishmen. Do you?

- Why not? - I don't !

Now look. A Swiss and a German.

- So What ? - It seems as if we'r not in France here !!

Now we are caught behind a Belgian.

What is wrong with the Belgians?

They pollute our air with their exhaust gases.

I will pass him... Overpass him !

Now look beside us.

He's sitting quietly and smoking. That is a real Frenchman.

Why don't you get back in line? Imbecile, cheater...

...stupid... - You hear that, a real Frenchman.

On third line ....

Not be ashamed... huh?

Have you finished..yes?

- What is going on? - A wedding.

- My daughter is also getting married. Come on, let me pass.

Did you see that? She is black.

- She is black and he is white. - Yes, so?

White and black...

- Salomon, Are you coming or not?

- Let me through! My daughter is getting married. - That's your daughter? Congratulations.

Nooo, it's not my daughter, My daughter is not black.

Sir...

Did you see that? Nowadays black people ride in white Rolls Royces.

- This couldn't happen to you...

What do you mean?

"Miss" marrying a "black"

What does that mean..?

- Because you are rather racist. - Racist? Me?

Fortunately Antoinette is marrying a nice white Frenchman.

- He is as a matter of fact quite pale. - And he speaks funny.

But he is rich, just like I am. And Catholic, like everyone.

Not everyone Sir. Me fro example, I am Jewish.

You are Jewish? Are you Jewish?

Salomon is a Jew .....

And my Uncle Jacob from New York is a rabbi.

- But he is no Jew. - Yes.

- But not your entire family? - Yes.

Well, nevertheless, I keep you.

- That will be my wife. - We are late. You'r in trouble.....

Germaine... Let me explain.

Watch your mouth, Victor. You are a hypocritical liar.

And watch your mouth too. If you want a wedding tomorrow you must be nice.

Your crown ! - How can I know you where alone in Deauville?

- She is jealous again. - Well she's right Sir, you are such good looking.

Just a moment. Wait now.

Pay attention to the road.

Germaine, did you know? Salomon, is a Jew?

No, so?

There he is.

Waiter?

A water with mint syrup.

Mr. Slimane. Telephone for Mr. Slimane.

That is me.

Cabin 2, sir.

- Mohammed Larbi Slimane? - That is me.

Nobody is coming to save you. You have run into our trap.

- What? - Farez, wake up.

You are not getting away alive. It is over with that revolution of yours.

Over 30 seconds. He's trying to escape out the back.

We cannot catch him in the middle of Saint Germain des Pr�s.

Shut up.

Go guard the back alley.

Farez.

Hurry up!

Drive.

Do not hang up, young lady.

- Send a tow truck immediately. - Ask for a tugboat instead.

Pull the boat. And don't bungle.

Strike? They're still striking in my factory?

I will also strike. I am exhausted.

What did you say?

I forbid them to strike. No. No, I say.

Listen to me! Just promise them everything, and I'll give them nothing, like always!

Salomon, a car.

Stop, stop.

Beast, egoist, idiot.

First road on the left. The factory is at the end.

It's becoming dark. We must find a truck.

Put on the lights. Then they can find us easier.

No, sir.

I cannot put them on. I cannot work on a Saturday.

It is Friday.

The Sabbath starts Friday evening. Then I can no longer work.

You can�t make an exception this time, Salomon?

Then you will get two Sabbaths next week.

- You don�t know our traditions. - Exactly, and that I am proud of.

You eat no meat on Fridays and I don�t work Saturdays.

- It's not crazier than that. - Yes, it is.

- It is not crazy. - I tell you that it's crazy!

You are dismissed. Now you can have Sabbath each evening.

- As you wish, sir. - Out!

Saint Anthony of Padua, give me a place to sleep and a driver.

A Catholic just like you, the good Lord and me.

Oh, a light. Thanks, Saint Anthony.

Is there anyone?

Concierge?

Is there someone there?

There is someone!

I will make you talk, Slimane.

Where will the revolution take place?

Which city? How? Which regiment?

Talk, Slimane.

Kill me, but do not try to judge me.

The people stand behind me.

But power comes from the barrel of a gun.

Mao Tse-Tung.

Mohammed Larbi Slimane...

...as president of this contra-revolutionary tribunal...

I find you guilty of treason.

What is that abracadabra?

Gentlemen, your sentence.

Death!!

Speak, then we'll spare your life.

The revolution is like a bicycle. If it does not keep moving, it falls.

Eddy Merckx. - No, Che Guevara.

The police force. 17.

No, the police force is 22... 17

- Hello? Is this the police force? - Yes.

- Give me the commissioner. Fast. - This is the commissioner speaking.

Come directly to the Yankee chewing-gum factory.

- Chewing-gum? - Yes, chewing-gum...

- Who are you? - Victor Pivert.

Pivert. It means woodpecker.

- I'm listening. - I have had an accident with my car.

I sought help...

...and ended up with some black men with brown faces.

- Where are you now? - In the office of the factory.

- Remain where you are. We'll come directly. - Very nice of you.

Have you seen those black men?

Yes, especially that fat one with his curly hair, his beady eyes and his sunglasses.

A real killer.

Let them kill each other. But not in our country.

- Where are they? - There.

I have him.

- He has escaped. - I could not help it, Colonel.

Victor Pivert. Black Citro�n D, license plate 438ZA75.

- Up at the river. - Are you coming along?

No, he dismissed me. He is on his own.

There he is.

- What are you doing here? - Shut your mouth and sit quietly.

I'll return to my country and you must help me.

Victor Pivert, he has shot down two men.

Yes, a car on a boat. Put out a search for him.

The latest news:

The kidnapped resistance leader Slimane remains missing.

He hasn't contacted the rebels in his homeland.

Let me call the police. They will catch Farez and you can return to your country.

The police will hand me over to our government and its assassins.

- Farez? - Colonel Farez.

- Everyone is against you? - No, the people stand behind me.

- They cannot be lied to anymore! - Yes, they can!

In my factory I lie the entire day. The people love it there.

I'll end the disorder.

When I return, I'll be Prime Minister.

Prime Minister? Finally I can shake the revolver of a Prime Minister.

And oil...

No more petrol. I must stop.

Where is he? Where can he be?

- What's happening today? - My daughter is getting married.

I'm only helping you as a favor. Open your mouth and keep quiet.

Yes, we have requested a conversation with Pivert's car.

Madam, I'm through to Mr. Pivert.

Keep it shut. I'll be back in two minutes.

- Do not answer. - It is my wife.

If I don't answer, she will track me down.

If I suspect the least...

- Is that you, Germaine? - It's been 11 hours.

I have been waiting since yesterday. Where were you last night?

Say that you're going off for the weekend with a woman.

- Do you hear me? - No.

- I'm running off with a woman. - A woman? You are crazy.

- Yes, I am crazy about her. - What does she have that I don't?

She has large hairy hands, large feet...

...that, and a large moustache.

- I hope that she believes you. - I like her...

...because she doesn't rub herself with all kinds of lotion...

...and wears no corset. She sings when she massages my back.

She finds me clever and thinks that I am six feet tall.

- What's her name? - What's her name?

Invent a name.

- Th�r�se Leduc. - Th�r�se Leduc? She is 65.

Yes, she has loved me for 30 years. And leave me alone!!!.

Did you see that? I hung up this time.

I'm off to Orly Airport, my husband is there. Tell my daughter.

- Pivert's wedding? - Yes, put it there.

I'm sorry, the doctor isn't taking patients today.

- Police. I want to speak with Mr. Pivert. - He is not here. What is the matter?

Quiet now. Mrs. Pivert is picking up her husband at Orly Airport. She'll be back in two hours.

To Orly Airport. We must catch him before he flies off.

- Hurry up. - A moment, sir.

57 francs, sir.

- What was your speed? - Eighty.

- Shall I check the oil? - No, it's okay.

- Can I see your papers? - Of course.

- What have you done? - Nothing.

- Which of us were you mocking? - Both.

- Neither of you, sir. - Yes, you are both crazy.

- Turn around. What have you there? - A wart.

A wart?

- It's awful. - I think it suits him.

Hideous. Small hairs are coming out.

Doesn't it hurt? And if I do this?

That does certainly hurt, huh?

- What's going on here? Papers. - I never have those.

No driver's license, no registration certificate, no insurance. Arrest me.

That will cost you.

- What's your name? - Pivert. Like in...

Fill it up?

- We must leave. Farez is there. - Now it's enough. Get out.

Into first gear!

Will you please remain seated?

My family is waiting for me in Paris.

I'm here for the bar mitzvah... the communion of my nephew David.

He is already thirteen.

David, be quiet now.

Mommy, how will you recognize Uncle Jacob? Only granny knows him.

I'll recognize him. - Hoezo, what do we do?

We agreed to pick him up in the car of Salomon's boss.

He was fired yesterday. - His boss fired him.

I have always said that Mr. Pivert is very nice.

I was almost run over and killed. Why must I carry your suitcase?

Because you must come along. - No, go to your revolution alone.

I must go to the wedding. - You must come along as my hostage.

If you move one muscle, you're dead. - I'll never do that.

But look at that officer.

He is large. A much better hostage than I.

Did you see her? Red hair. - So?

Stay here.

What a beauty.

What's his name?

Do you have a light?

Of course he has a light.

Moron, idiot. You find that funny, imbecile?

There it is. The plane from New York has landed.

Hurry up now. - We can't miss him.

David, come here. - Hurry up.

Look, there he is.

Jacob, Uncle Jacob.

Where is Jacob? I see nothing. - Look, there he comes.

Mr. Pivert...

Mr. Pivert, come to the counter!

They are here. - Slimane and Pivert.

You've come exactly on time. Pivert has just been paged.

We must remember that he is a murderer.

Try it again.

Victor, come back.

- That is Germaine. - Come back to me.

Germaine, where are you?

I forgive you. Don't leave me on our daughter's wedding day.

Victor, do you hear me?

Yes, I hear you. Don't shout so loud. I'm coming.

Your husband isn't about to fly off with Th�r�se Leduc.

- Give it back, I must announce things. - This is more important.

- I saw the assassin. - Is Farez here?

- He was right behind me. - Wait, let me look first.

- Open. - No.

- Open. - I am not here.

- Open. - Impossible, it's occupied.

- Open. - Did you hear that?

Sir, is your friend sick? Perhaps we can help?

Maybe you can.

Moron, out.

Me as a rabbi - unbelievable! - Wait.

Jacob.

It is him.

Let me greet him.

- What now? - Play the role. It is our only chance.

I could recognize him among thousands. He speaks like his brother, my husband.

- Is he also a Schmoll? - Schmoll?

Yes, who is he?

Of course, you are right.

He is my secretary, driver and waiter. Here, my suitcase.

- What is he called? - Him? Larbi Rabbi Slimane.

Seligman, Rabbi Seligman. It's a pleasure.

Tell me, how are they all in New York?

- Why don't you have a beard? - I lent it out.

That Seligman is not just anybody. A rabbi who is also a driver.

- You have a strange accent. - You think?

You have become a real American. Shall I teach you your real accent?

I know a good exercise. Pronounce the names of fur.

- Of fur. - Ah, fur.

Try.

Mink.

Chinchilla.

Muskrat.

- Fox. - Fox, silver fox.

- Panther. - Panther.

- No, panther. A cat. - Panther.

Very good, Jacob.

Mrs. Pivert? - That is me.

Police. Your husband is waiting for you in the car.

I knew that he would come back to me. But why the police?

- Your man is in trouble. - That Th�r�se Leduc.

Come on, let's go.

Where is Victor? Let me be.

Where is Mrs. Pivert? - No idea. Somewhere there.

Do I have to pay attention to everyone? - Yes, everyone.

Commissioner. Two rabbis have been robbed.

- They have stolen their clothes and beards. - What do the thieves look like?

- A big guy with black hair. - And a small bald guy.

Again Pivert and Slimane.

Pardon, this is a celebrity.

Step up. I'll buy the tickets.

Ahead.

You are very friendly.

And you are the nicest Jew that I have ever seen.

Beautiful looking and beautiful teeth. Come, let me give you a kiss.

You are also very nice, madam.

Do you how many marriages I have arranged?

43. With 118 children. An average of two and a half children per couple.

- Are you married? - No.

Do you prefer blondes or brunettes?

- Redheads. - I have one for you.

After 30 years they don't even come to pick me up.

- Maybe they didn't get your telegram. - I sent 8.

One must have arrived.

Do you see that violin case? And what is inside that case?

No, idiot. ...

Cover me. I'll go over there.

The address is Rue des Rosiers 8. The phone number...

Hello, rabbi...

You see? They did come to pick us up!

Police. Commissioner Andr�ani. - Ah, what an honor.

I don't often meet two such strange looking rabbis.

We aren't that strange looking.

- Keep off of my violin. - Don't mistake me for a fool, Pivert.

What a big beard you have grown! May I?

- Salomon, telephone. - I'm coming.

Who? Uncle Jacob?

No, it's Salomon. Did you have a pleasant journey? - No, a very bad journey.

Where are you? - At Orly Airport.

After 30 years I'm picked up by the police.

- It is okay. - Sorry, a misunderstanding.

- What are you doing? - I understand nothing, Uncle Jacob.

Rabbi Jacob is arriving in a taxi. Hurry down.

What do you know? Hang up, you idiot.

- Idiot? - You must be crazy.

Long live Rabbi Jacob.

Completely insane. Idiot...

Bless them, Uncle Jacob.

- That is why you have come. - He is modest.

Stand up, Uncle Jacob. They want to welcome you.

Stick your head out.

Not like that, you are a rabbi.

This is your fault. Wait until I tell them who you are.

Silence. All, be quiet now.

Welcome, Rabbi Jacob, my honored teacher.

You are brilliant, you are bright as the sky.

Well formulated.

Receive, as a souvenir of this day, this "streimel".

What a beautiful "streimel". Mink. I'll use it on Sundays.

For Saturdays.

He said Sunday, but of course I meant Saturday.

Silence.

Rabbi Jacob will speak now.

Say something.

Dear Rosenfelds.

Dear Rosenbergs.

Dear Koshers.

Not that.

Then that. Dear Levis.

Dear Levis.

Keep the rest.

Uncle Jacob, you must get off. The taxi driver wants to leave.

- And if they ask me something? - Do what Jews do.

Always answer with a question. That way you can gain time.

Sir...

- Jacob, do you recognize me? - And do you recognize me?

- No. - So much the better.

- We have thousands of questions for you. - Then I have two thousand.

- Rabbi Jacob... - Yes.

- My driver. He recognizes me. - I have but one question.

My boss fired me because I don't want to work on Saturdays.

What do I do?

Ask if he will take you back and ask for a raise. He will say yes.

- Double? - He will say yes.

- Triple? - Not that.

- I didn't know that you were Jewish. - Yesterday I wasn't.

You must not tell anyone. Everyone's looking for me.

- What have you done? - I am innocent.

They want a scapegoat.

Hide me, then I'll re-hire you and you get off for all your holidays!

- And on the Sabbath and on Sundays. - And the Muslim holidays?

- Do they have that? - What is Slimane doing here?

Who?

Rabbi Seligman, I have found a redhead for you.

She is called Hannah. Go say hello.

That is enough. They are all ready.

Silence, silence.

Rabbi Jacob will dance.

Can Rabbi Jacob dance?

- You have talent! - It was a wonder.

How did you know that Pivert was at Orly Airport?

- He wants an adventure with Th�r�se Leduc. - On his daughter's wedding day?

No, not the drill. I have always found that terrible.

He is with Slimane. Where are they?

Is this 233-4436? With whom am I speaking? - Answer. But be careful.

- Germaine? It's Victor. - Ah Victor, it's you.

- Ask where he is. - No.

That drill. Did you hear me?

- Where are you? - Hiding at some Jewish friends.

- Do you have Jewish friends? - Yes. What's strange about that?

Say that the police force is here.

The police force is here. They want to speak with you.

Mr. Pivert? This is the commissioner.

I know where the assassins are. You can catch them all.

Where are you now?

Their leader is called Farez.

I'll give you his description.

Thick, curly hair, beady little eyes, sunglasses.

A real assassin's face. - Exactly.

I am at "Etoile de Kiev".

A delicatessen-restaurant, Rue des Rosiers 8.

Shalom, rabbi. - Shalom.

Not you, him.

Ask for Rabbi Jacob. Rabbi Jacob, that's me.

Is Slimane also there?

Yes, he is to marry a red-haired girl.

Remain where you are. We're coming.

Have you heard? Hannah has gotten engaged.

- If Rabbi Jacob agrees with it. - What a nice little girl.

Does she please you? You have the same hair.

Rabbi Jacob gives his blessing.

How can she let me down today?

And dad has disappeared.

Antoinette...

- I can't do it. - Are you Rabbi Jacob or not?

- I beg you. - You are safe here.

Uncle Jacob, everything is ready.

- What shall we do? - How does such a Jewish communion work?

It'll work out fine.

If my wife comes, I'll go to the real church.

Bless me, Uncle Jacob.

I give my blessing to you, David.

You too, Rabbi Seligman.

God is with you, David.

- What is it? - Telephone for Rabbi Jacob.

- A Mrs. Pivert. - I'll be back.

Do you hear that? They say amen, just like us.

Warn Mr. Pivert. Three assassins are coming, their leader is called Farez.

Three assassins? Here?

- Quick, they want to kill Mr. Pivert. - They are already here.

Mazel tov, son.

What's he saying?

- You must read from the Torah. - That is too much honor.

Also you, Rabbi Seligman.

What a great honor for my family.

As you like, Rabbi Jacob.

It is Hebrew.

From right to left, just like Arabic.

I'll give Rabbi Seligman the honor. He must read.

The glasses. And the hand.

You must read from right to left.

- Could they be here? - It's possible.

I think it is a type of church.

Your hat.

Farez is in the synagogue. Leave.

Your hat.

Your hat!

Silence.

Brothers...

...the three men that have just come in...

...are not here to pray. They are assassins.

They want to kill Rabbi Jacob and Rabbi Seligman.

Help me save them.

What are you doing? Let me be.

Salomon, come here.

Wait in the "Etoile de Kiev". I'll get the car.

- How did Farez know where we were?

- From the commissioner. - That was Farez.

Was that Farez?

Thirty years, Samuel, and everything is still the same.

There is the synagogue. And this is the "Etoile de Kiev".

Hey, what's going on? Leave me alone.

Drive.

Sir, come quick. Take this and get away.

Get away!

You have saved my life. I will reward you.

Hey, Salomon, Slimane... Are you guys cousins?

- Cousins? - Distant cousins. Thanks.

Save that for later. Ahead, to St. Louis des Invalides.

Police. Commissioner Andr�ani.

Mommy, there is the "Etoile de Kiev".

We thought that you were someone else. It was a misunderstanding.

A misunderstanding which you will regret.

- Let them be or I'll call the police. - This is the police, mother.

There's Salomon.

- What have you done to my husband? - He is safe.

- Where is he? - On the way to you, on my moped.

I'm suffocating.

- Take off your beard, Pivert. - Pivert? Who are those Piverts?

- What are you doing? - That is not Slimane.

And I am not Pivert.

My boat and my car. There, they have stolen it.

- Follow them. - Don't shout that way.

- Faster! - No, then my hat will blow off.

Quick, this way.

Follow them.

No, it's not me.

No, not my moustache.

- You are Pivert. - Rabbi Jacob.

D, call number 438ZA75, following the boat Germaine II...

...driving in direction of Place de la Concorde.

- Don't kill them. They will say nothing. - No, I'll say nothing.

I have forgotten everything. I don't even know your name, Mr. Farez.

Do not shoot. I have an idea.

Do not shoot, let me go to my daughter's wedding.

And tomorrow you send me a letter bomb.

I am at home, the doorbell rings...

- Who is it? - I open...

A letter bomb.

- And for whom? - Not for me.

Shut up.

- I open it. - No, don't open it. NO!

Pivert is gone, Jacob is gone, Farez is gone.

That is for me.

Is it the car of Mr. Pivert? Is President Slimane there?

President Slimane?

The minister wants to speak with him.

It is for you, the minister.

Give it to me.

- President? - Slimane speaking.

The Revolutionary Council has taken over the power in your country.

They want you to return directly.

- Should I start mentioning the oil? - That is inappropriate.

- A Concorde for him then? - Not so fast. You'll spoil him.

Then I'll start with the Alouette. A careful start.

We'll pick you up with the newest Alouette.

- Success! - We've made it!

Slimane, you must be grateful that I have saved your life.

- Because they... - Ashkoum Farez, president.

Stop this, Ashkoum... You have put your money on the wrong camel.

You see that, President?

That's France... France!

Now it is enough. It has been 2 hours, I can't wait any longer.

- Take away those flowers. - But reverend...

I have found them. They are on the way.

- But I have a burial soon. - That can wait.

Alexandre, Mrs. Markiezin is leaving. Will you please wait?

- They are on the way. - No, I have already waited for two hours.

- Wasn't it in the Notre Dame? - Will we get lunch anyway?

- Better luck next time. - Shut up.

- Mother, father. What now? - Two hours late.

- Unbelievable. - Pivert can't be trusted.

What is that?

- What is that, mother? - Ready!

- I am here, general. - Pivert.

I am ready.

I am the father of the bride.

- You, rabbi? - It is a scandal!

I require an explanation. Two hours late and wearing a disguise.

What now? You also have a "streimel"?

And you also have these corkscrew curls.

We are there.

That is my wife.

- Mother, stop. - Shall I drive?

The brakes don't work.

That white smoke is coming from the engine.

My boat.

- Was that on purpose? - My hat.

My boat... Your hat.

I'll just leave.

- Is that necessary? - Father, mother, not today.

Jacob, there he is.

- Pivert, who are those people? - Those are my friends, the Schmolls.

I was in the synagogue, now we're going to the church.

- Got you! - Good.

Imbecile!

Mr. President...

May I be the first to congratulate...

- Slimane, you are arrested. - Me?

- You'll regret this. - We will see.

- Do you see? I have them in cuffs. - Release them, imbecile.

Yes sir, Mr. minister.

- I'm terribly sorry. - Ah, it's nothing.

Thank you, officer. - Officer?

Yes, tomorrow...

My veil. Can I have it?

No.

Antoinette.

Where is she off to now? Antoinette, come back.

You see that, minister? He's taking her along...

Victor, you can't let her go along with a... a...

President. My daughter is marrying a president.

Are you coming to celebrate the bar mitzvah tonight?

Rabbi Jacob, I must confess something. I am not Jewish.

Well, nevertheless, you can remain.