Original subtitles

Shh. Aw, there, there.

Isn't he just so cute...

That you want to...

Whoops! Crypt keeper here, kiddies.

And speaking of kiddies,

tonight's sickening saga should be subtitled

a tale from the crib.

Yes, fear fans,

I've got a real nursery crime for you this time.

It's all about the humble beginnings

of my favorite horror hero.

So call the babysitter

and break out the barf bags

as I narrate a nauseating novella

with a very special place in my heart.

I affectionately call this one lower berth.

I affectionately call this one lower berth.

Guess your weight!

Guess your weight!

Ladies and gentlemen,

boys and girls,

step right up and be prepared to gasp, to swoon,

to feast your disbelieving eyes

on the most astounding array of freaks and oddities

ever gathered together under one tent!

See the piteous products of god's twisted sense of humor.

View with your very eyes the alarming consequences

of nature's most heinous miscalculations.

Witness, if you dare,

the results of the most unnatural inbreeding.

Man or monster? Human or horror?

You be the judge and jury.

See Fanny the fat lady,

over 45o pounds of bovine beauty.

Pay a visit to the littles...

A family so small, they live in a shoe box.

Witness the stupefying skull face,

a living human skeleton.

And finally, our star attraction,

the amazing Enoch!

A display so bizarre, you have to see it

with your very selfsame eyes to believe it.

So, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,

step right up. Right this way.

For one thin dime,

a tenth part of a dollar,

you may avail yourself of this fantastic exhibit!

Right this way, sir!

Watch your step.

Don't rush. There'll be plenty of room for all!

And we shall have repeated showings

until every man, woman, and child

can avail themselves

of this interesting and educational exhibit.

Step lightly, sir. That's the idea.

Feeley's fantastic fairway of freaks.

Show time now beginning!

Enoch!

Enoch!

What do you think you're doing? Huh?

You're a naughty boy!

You hear me? Naughty!

Come on. Get up. Come on! Come on!

Introducing Fanny the fat lady!

Come on.

Now, get in there.

Go on!

Go on!

Stay there, you hear?

Ladies and gentlemen, meet the littles.

Oh!

Aw!

How'd you get out of there?

Huh? Tell me.

And finally, ladies and gentlemen, the star attraction

at feeley's fantastic fairway of freaks...

The most alarming and unusual oddity

ever to be put on display anywhere, anytime, anyplace.

Now, no more!

Now, no more!

Ladies and gentlemen,

boys and girls,

look upon Enoch...

The 2-faced man!

I can't see!

Oh!

Oh!

How many times, sickles?

How many times do I have to tell you

to get him in his cage before show time?

Yes, sir, Mr. feeley.

I don't know how he gets out.

It won't happen again.

Of that you may be sure, Mr. Sickles.

Because the next time it does happen,

then I shall be happy to discuss with you

the retirement of your most amazing Enoch.

Now, wait a minute, Mr. feeley.

Without me and Enoch,

you're no different than any other 2-bit sideshow.

He's the only thing you got that's different.

Enoch is special.

Enoch is dying.

Did you really think you could bribe the company doctor

to keep it from me?

Well, apparently your freak

isn't the only one with 2 faces, is he?

Isn't the only one with 2 faces, is he?

No, sickles, your meal ticket's godforsaken life

is winding toward a merciful end,

so please don't tell me how much I need you!

We'll play it out as long as it takes...

A month, a week,

but as long as you own him,

then I own you,

and we do things my way!

Understand, Mr. sickles?

Understand, Mr. sickles?

You've been a very naughty boy, Enoch.

You hear me?

Naughty boy!

Naughty!

Naughty!

Enoch's special.

I see you prefer a lower berth.

Who are you? How'd you get in here?

The door, Mr. sickles.

Call me unconventional.

How about I call a policeman?

Oh, I don't think you want to do that.

Oh, no? Why not?

Because, Mr. sickles, I'm your salvation.

That's why.

Dr. Zachary kling, at your service.

Please. Please.

Don't let me interrupt your supper.

Don't let me interrupt your supper.

"At your service," you say.

What kind of service may that be?

Well, let's not be coy, Mr. sickles.

I overheard your, shall we say,

altercation with the owner.

It seems your days here may be numbered.

Do correct me if I'm wrong.

Well, what of it?

Well, it just so happens,

I have recently made an acquisition...

An acquisition from which we both might benefit,

if you take my meaning.

If you take my meaning.

What kind of an acquisition?

Ha ha ha!

Are you a card player, Mr. Sickles?

Now and again.

Myself, I must confess to a certain,

shall we say, zealousy for games of chance.

I was playing a gentlemen in St. Louis recently...

As it happens, a gentlemen of distinction on 2 counts...

One, he was an archeologist by trade.

And secondly, he couldn't play poker for shit.

And secondly, he couldn't play poker for shit.

When it became clear that this gentlemen

was going to owe me quite a large sum of money,

not strictly in his possession,

it became eminently clear that something of equal worth

would have to be bartered as collateral.

Would have to be bartered as collateral.

Her name is mirana, Mr. sickles...

Though I prefer myrna, don't you?

An Egyptian slave girl, it was explained to me,

buried alive at 16

for repelling the pharaoh's advances.

Rather a high price for playing hard to get,

wouldn't you say?

Wouldn't you say?

Never able to love.

Never able to bear children.

Never able to have a normal life.

It's sad, really.

She's yours for a 60-40 split.

Do we have a deal or not?

What's the catch?

I'm afraid I don't follow you.

This is a business of playing people for suckers.

Don't play me for one.

What do you need me for?

Why don't you go straight to feeley?

Mr. sickles, as I said, I'm a gambling man.

I play to win, and winners tend to make enemies,

if you take my meaning.

In all candor, I need to keep

a low profile for a while.

The less official my connection

with the sideshow, the better.

With the sideshow, the better.

What about the jewels?

Oh, completely worthless, Mr. Sickles.

A mere prop.

A mere prop.

Look.

Consider yourself my agent, if you like.

I think a 40% commission is more than equitable.

I mean, after all,

considering your present situation.

Considering your present situation.

Ha ha! Good.

Let's drink to it, shall we?

Don't mind if I do.

Don't mind if I do.

Step right up, ladies and gentlemen,

boys and girls,

and avail yourself of this interesting exhibit!

That's the idea. Hurry along, lads.

Here we are, sir.

That's the idea. Mm-hmm.

Myrna the mummy!

Myrna the mummy!

Ooh! Oh!

Ooh! Oh!

And, we will have further showings

to accommodate you all.

Yes. Step right in, sir.

That's the idea.

Feeley's fantastic fairway of freaks.

Show time now beginning!

Oh!

Oh!

Here's...

Oh!

Oh!

Here's myrna.

Myrna!

Myrna!

Come on! Hurry!

I'm going as fast as I can.

Stand clear of the fire eater.

Oh!

Oh!

Hey!

Hey!

Ayah.

Ayah.

Whee!

Ahh.

Ahh.

Ha ha.

Ha ha.

Ha ha!

Elizabeth!

Come here.

Come here!

Come here!

Here.

Here.

Elizabeth, get over here now!

Just what do you think you're doing, young lady?

Now, you stay away from that thing.

Now, you stay away from that thing.

Enoch, you naughty boy.

Naughty!

What's that you got there?

Give it to me.

I said give it to me!

Give it...

Give it...

Well, I'll be blown to hell.

You're carrying a torch for that old bag of bones,

aren't you?

You sick, pathetic...

It's a family you want,

is it, hmm?

Is that it?

A normal life.

Ha ha ha!

A normal life!

Ha ha ha!

A family!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha...

Ha ha ha...

"priceless Egyptian mummy stolen."

"Priceless Egyptian mummy stolen."

Look at that! Look at that! Ain't that a show?

Hey, I wanna talk to you.

One should never argue with lady luck,

now, should one?

We need to talk, doctor.

Just a few more hands, Mr. sickles.

Just a few more hands, Mr. sickles.

Now!

Now!

Uh...

Deal me out, gentlemen.

Deal me out, gentlemen.

Here.

Go in there.

Huh.

Huh.

Uh.

Start explaining, doctor.

Of course you're upset,

you have every right to be upset.

You didn't win that mummy in any card game.

You stole it off a boat in New Orleans.

You stole it off a boat in New Orleans.

What for? The necklace?

Well, I hardly have much use

for a 4,000-year-old dead woman,

now, do I?

Now, do I?

Why didn't you just take the damn thing?

Ahh. Now, look, you don't understand.

There's a curse.

You must be kidding.

No, it's true.

Whoever attempts to take that necklace

will be rendered...

Rendered what?

You know... Unable to procreate,

if you take my meaning.

If you take my meaning.

Ha ha ha!

You mean, whoever takes the family jewels...

You mean, whoever takes the family jewels...

Loses theirs.

Yes.

Thanks. I'll take my chances.

No, Mr. sickles!

You're not listening to me.

I hired a man to take that necklace off.

That night I found him... He was castrated.

Well, too bad your father wasn't,

if you take mymeaning.

Mr. sickles!

Oh!

Oh!

Ohh.

Ohh.

Good god, sickles.

Center up, boys. Come on.

20 minutes to showtime. Let's go.

20 minutes to showtime. Let's go.

Ah.

Enoch, my boy.

Enoch, my boy.

Seems like you've gotten out of your cage again,

doesn't it?

Doesn't it?

And you've been a very naughty boy, haven't you?

Yes.

Poor Dr. kling.

Ah.

Ah, myrna, my sweet.

You two make a very lovely couple.

Did I tell you that?

Did I tell you that?

Ah, now give me this.

Uhh. Uhh.

Uhh. Uhh.

Come on, honey.

Let me have her, dear.

Yeah.

Ahh. Come on.

Let go.

Come on. You do play hard to get, don't you?

Come on. You do play hard to get, don't you?

Ahh.

Ahh.

Naughty...

Boy!

Aah!

Aah!

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

feeley's fantastic fairway of freaks

is proud to present

a most unusual and alarming oddity...

The amazing Enoch,

the 2-faced man.

It's empty.

He escaped. He's gone.

He cheated us.

There's nothin' there.

It's a fraud!

It's a fraud!

Eh, rather, let me direct your attention

to our star attraction.

From far off Egypt she comes...

Uh, from the valley of the kings,

her tomb carved deep in the cliffs

that overlook the ancient river nile.

Inside that very tomb,

hieroglyphics tell a tragic tale.

Once young and beautiful,

she spurned pharaoh's advances,

and was condemned to death.

Wrapped in ceremonial windings,

she was buried alive,

and placed in this very selfsame sarcophagus,

which has been her home for the last 4,000 years.

Ladies and gentlemen,

boys and girls,

I command you

to look upon myrna, the Egyptian mummy.

Aah!

Oh.

Oh.

Call a policeman!

It's all right.

Oh, god!

Oh, god!

Dead or alive?

Come on. That's it.

I'm looking for Mr. feeley,

the owner.

Oh, Mr. feeley?

Yeah, Ernest feeley.

Yeah, he's, uh...

He's right over there next to the wagons.

Right over there. Thank you.

Right over there. Thank you.

Are you Ernest feeley, the owner?

I'm sheriff Hicks.

Well, if it's about the permit,

I have one. I assure you.

No, sir. It's not about any permit.

Do you mind if I sit?

Do you mind if I sit?

Mr. feeley, you may not remember me,

but we met when you came through here

with your sideshow last year.

You had some... Unpleasantness at the time.

Yes. I never did recover my exhibits.

Well, sir, that's kind of why I'm here.

There's something I think you ought to see.

There's something I think you ought to see.

Now, the local boy was up and exploring,

and he came across this cave here.

And he came across this cave here.

When he saw what was inside, he came and got us.

When he saw what was inside, he came and got us.

Mr. feeley.

Mr. feeley.

Good lord.

Good lord.

Ma...

Ma...

Ma... Ma.

Ma... Ma.

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Oh, sorry, kiddies,

but that story just makes me go all to pieces.

But that story just makes me go all to pieces.

I was a cute little terror tyke, though, wasn't I?

As for Enoch and myrna,

I guess you figured out by now

where I get my good looks.

Old 2-face was my daddy,

and the mummy was my mommy.

Oh, if they'd only lived long enough to see me

become a star.

We never even got a chance to play hide and go shriek together.

Captioning made possible by Warner bros.

Captioned by the national captioning institute... www.Ncicap.Org...

Captioned by the national captioning institute... www.Ncicap.Org...