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1
00:00:04,988 --> 00:00:07,489
Good evening, fear fans.
2
00:00:07,490 --> 00:00:09,992
You're just in time.
3
00:00:09,993 --> 00:00:13,295
One
ventriloquist's dummy.
4
00:00:13,296 --> 00:00:16,799
Hacme novelty company,
battle shriek, Michigan.
5
00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:19,301
Oh, goody!
6
00:00:19,302 --> 00:00:21,303
Watch this, kiddies.
7
00:00:21,304 --> 00:00:23,806
You won't see
my lips move.
8
00:00:23,807 --> 00:00:25,307
You know why?
9
00:00:25,308 --> 00:00:28,311
I don't have any!
10
00:00:28,812 --> 00:00:30,813
Well, hello, dicky.
11
00:00:30,814 --> 00:00:33,816
Would you like me to tell
a tale from the crypt?
12
00:00:33,817 --> 00:00:37,236
No, thanks,
death breath.
13
00:00:37,237 --> 00:00:40,740
Then how about sitting a
little closer to the fire?
14
00:00:42,242 --> 00:00:44,243
That's better.
15
00:00:44,244 --> 00:00:47,247
Now I can dole out
a diseased little ditty
16
00:00:47,747 --> 00:00:50,750
about the schizofrantic
nature of show biz
17
00:00:51,251 --> 00:00:54,036
and how to hack
your way to the top.
18
00:00:54,037 --> 00:00:57,005
So grab hold
of your guts, kiddies,
19
00:00:57,006 --> 00:00:59,341
'cause tonight
you get to rub elbows
20
00:00:59,342 --> 00:01:02,344
with
the ventriloquist's dummy.
21
00:01:02,345 --> 00:01:02,345
With
the ventriloquist's dummy.
22
00:01:05,348 --> 00:01:08,851
So you're going
to Africa on safari, huh?
23
00:01:08,852 --> 00:01:11,854
Are you crazy?
That's very dangerous.
24
00:01:11,855 --> 00:01:14,357
You could run across
a very angry lion.
25
00:01:14,858 --> 00:01:16,358
I'll have my gun
with me.
26
00:01:16,359 --> 00:01:17,359
Does it shoot lions?
27
00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:19,862
No, stupid.
It shoots bullets.
28
00:01:19,863 --> 00:01:21,313
Lions are
too big to load.
29
00:01:21,314 --> 00:01:23,315
How about a nice
pop in the mouth?
30
00:01:23,316 --> 00:01:25,317
What, are you
kidding me?
31
00:01:25,318 --> 00:01:27,820
Listen, maybe you ought
to skip going to Africa.
32
00:01:27,821 --> 00:01:30,322
Stay home and go
hunting here...
33
00:01:30,323 --> 00:01:32,324
Ducks, geese.
34
00:01:32,325 --> 00:01:34,326
But I can't tell the difference
between ducks and geese.
35
00:01:34,327 --> 00:01:35,327
It's very easy.
36
00:01:35,328 --> 00:01:39,331
Ducks go "quack
quack." Understand?
37
00:01:39,332 --> 00:01:41,333
And geese go
"honk honk."
38
00:01:41,334 --> 00:01:43,836
If a pack of birds
fly over
39
00:01:43,837 --> 00:01:46,004
and they go "honk
honk," what do you do?
40
00:01:46,005 --> 00:01:48,508
Pull over
and let them pass.
41
00:01:50,510 --> 00:01:52,010
What the hell are you
applauding about?
42
00:01:52,011 --> 00:01:53,345
What are you? Seals?
43
00:01:53,346 --> 00:01:54,430
That's one
of my big ones.
44
00:01:54,931 --> 00:01:57,432
And the fat guy
better laugh.
45
00:01:57,433 --> 00:01:59,434
I see you, the fat guy, and I'm
gonna put stripes on your face
46
00:01:59,435 --> 00:02:02,938
and roll you down the
beach for a half hour.
47
00:02:02,939 --> 00:02:04,439
Very seriously,
I'm looking around,
48
00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:05,941
and I see the food
sitting on the tables.
49
00:02:05,942 --> 00:02:09,411
There's flies starting to die
right in... right on the plates.
50
00:02:09,412 --> 00:02:10,914
How's the food in this
place, huh?
51
00:02:11,414 --> 00:02:13,365
Don't ask.
Terrible! Lousy!
52
00:02:13,366 --> 00:02:15,868
I brought my girl here
for dinner last night,
53
00:02:15,869 --> 00:02:17,870
and she found a bug
in her soup.
54
00:02:17,871 --> 00:02:18,872
Oh, that's terrible.
What happened?
55
00:02:19,372 --> 00:02:22,374
She yelled, "waiter,
remove this insect at once."
56
00:02:22,375 --> 00:02:23,375
And?
57
00:02:23,376 --> 00:02:25,377
The guy threw me out.
58
00:02:25,378 --> 00:02:27,129
That was a good one,
huh, lady?
59
00:02:27,130 --> 00:02:28,931
The old broad
came alive.
60
00:02:28,932 --> 00:02:30,432
We've been up here
a half-hour,
61
00:02:30,433 --> 00:02:31,934
and the old broad
finally went,
62
00:02:31,935 --> 00:02:32,935
"that was a good
one, Lou!"
63
00:02:32,936 --> 00:02:35,939
Stop coughing when I'm
delivering funny lines.
64
00:02:36,439 --> 00:02:37,439
Put yourself
in a hospital
65
00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:38,440
and just lay there
with the covers open
66
00:02:38,441 --> 00:02:40,943
and let the nurse
stare at you.
67
00:02:40,944 --> 00:02:42,811
Look, if you're hungry,
just thought of something.
68
00:02:42,812 --> 00:02:45,731
I hear the tongue
sandwich is pretty good.
69
00:02:45,732 --> 00:02:46,732
Well, I'll be very
honest with you.
70
00:02:46,733 --> 00:02:47,733
I never eat anything
71
00:02:47,734 --> 00:02:50,152
that comes from
an animal's mouth.
72
00:02:50,153 --> 00:02:51,987
Well, then,
how about some eggs?
73
00:02:51,988 --> 00:02:53,489
Ooh!
74
00:02:53,990 --> 00:02:54,990
Oh, a wise guy,
huh, morty?
75
00:02:54,991 --> 00:02:55,991
You're steaming me.
76
00:02:55,992 --> 00:02:56,992
Really gettin' to me.
77
00:02:56,993 --> 00:02:58,493
Ha ha ha!
78
00:02:58,494 --> 00:03:00,495
Hold on to
this autograph, kid.
79
00:03:00,496 --> 00:03:02,497
It will be worth
a bundle some day.
80
00:03:02,498 --> 00:03:03,999
What do you want to be
when you grow up, Billy?
81
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:06,001
A ventriloquist,
just like you.
82
00:03:06,002 --> 00:03:09,504
Nonsense. He wants to be a doctor.
Don't you, Billy?
83
00:03:09,505 --> 00:03:10,505
Hey, bill.
84
00:03:10,506 --> 00:03:12,508
Anytime you need
any advice or a few tips,
85
00:03:13,009 --> 00:03:14,510
feel free to look
me up, ok, kid?
86
00:03:15,011 --> 00:03:16,511
Golly,
Mr. ingels, thanks.
87
00:03:16,512 --> 00:03:17,512
Look, mom.
88
00:03:17,513 --> 00:03:19,015
It's lovely.
Let's go.
89
00:03:19,515 --> 00:03:19,515
It's lovely.
Let's go.
90
00:03:31,995 --> 00:03:33,495
We still got
our date, don't we?
91
00:03:33,496 --> 00:03:35,998
I know this great little
after-hours joint.
92
00:03:35,999 --> 00:03:38,000
I'm not feeling
very well.
93
00:03:38,001 --> 00:03:39,868
What do you mean, you're
not feeling very well?
94
00:03:39,869 --> 00:03:41,620
Don't listen
to him, baby.
95
00:03:41,621 --> 00:03:44,122
He's never felt
better. Let's go.
96
00:03:44,123 --> 00:03:45,624
And where are you
going to take me to?
97
00:03:45,625 --> 00:03:47,125
How about
our bungalow, toots?
98
00:03:47,126 --> 00:03:49,127
We'll show you
our etchings.
99
00:03:49,128 --> 00:03:51,630
You are so cute.
100
00:03:51,631 --> 00:03:52,631
And you...
101
00:03:52,632 --> 00:03:54,633
You're not
so bad yourself.
102
00:03:54,634 --> 00:03:54,634
You're not
so bad yourself.
103
00:04:00,607 --> 00:04:03,109
Fire! Help!
104
00:04:08,982 --> 00:04:10,482
Lights out now,
Billy!
105
00:04:10,483 --> 00:04:13,986
Ok, mom.
Lights out.
106
00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:15,988
I said now!
107
00:04:15,989 --> 00:04:15,989
I said now!
108
00:04:28,751 --> 00:04:30,636
Is there
anybody in there?
109
00:04:30,637 --> 00:04:31,421
I don't know yet.
110
00:04:31,422 --> 00:04:32,422
I looked
around the back.
111
00:04:32,423 --> 00:04:33,423
I couldn't
see nothing.
112
00:04:33,923 --> 00:04:35,842
Hurry up! It's going
up like a furnace.
113
00:04:36,342 --> 00:04:37,310
Anybody in there?
114
00:04:37,311 --> 00:04:39,311
Mom, come here quick!
115
00:04:39,312 --> 00:04:39,312
Mom, come here quick!
116
00:04:57,196 --> 00:04:59,665
We're here.
117
00:04:59,666 --> 00:05:02,668
Oops. Come on, Tim.
118
00:05:02,669 --> 00:05:06,171
Oh, wow.
119
00:05:06,172 --> 00:05:07,173
Where are we?
Is this...
120
00:05:07,674 --> 00:05:07,674
Where are we?
Is this...
121
00:05:09,676 --> 00:05:13,679
136. Must be it.
122
00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:14,681
Hi, Mr. ingels.
123
00:05:15,181 --> 00:05:17,182
Hello, sir.
You probably... no.
124
00:05:17,183 --> 00:05:19,184
Hi, sir. You probably
don't remember me.
125
00:05:19,185 --> 00:05:22,688
My name is Billy Goldman.
126
00:05:22,689 --> 00:05:24,189
I met you
a long time ago.
127
00:05:24,190 --> 00:05:24,190
I met you
a long time ago.
128
00:05:27,977 --> 00:05:30,479
It's private property,
jerk-off. Go away!
129
00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:32,981
Mr. ingels, sir, you
probably don't remember me,
130
00:05:32,982 --> 00:05:33,982
but my name
is Billy Goldman...
131
00:05:33,983 --> 00:05:35,485
Piss off! You want it
in writing, huh?
132
00:05:35,985 --> 00:05:36,985
Piss off!
133
00:05:36,986 --> 00:05:38,487
I have been driving
for 3 days.
134
00:05:38,488 --> 00:05:41,490
I am not leaving
until you talk to me.
135
00:05:41,491 --> 00:05:43,992
Hi, my name is Tim.
136
00:05:43,993 --> 00:05:46,461
Hi there. Can morty
come out and play?
137
00:05:46,462 --> 00:05:49,297
Oh, shit!
138
00:05:49,298 --> 00:05:50,299
Come on in, you...
139
00:05:52,802 --> 00:05:54,720
Well, close the door,
schmuck. It's not a barn.
140
00:05:54,721 --> 00:05:54,721
Well, close the door,
schmuck. It's not a barn.
141
00:05:59,759 --> 00:06:01,259
Hey, hey.
142
00:06:01,260 --> 00:06:02,261
It ain't going
to be that long.
143
00:06:02,762 --> 00:06:03,679
Huh? What's on your mind?
Make your point.
144
00:06:04,180 --> 00:06:06,181
I'm Billy Goldman.
145
00:06:06,182 --> 00:06:07,682
You said I could
look you up.
146
00:06:07,683 --> 00:06:08,683
Oh, yeah?
147
00:06:08,684 --> 00:06:10,185
Well, umm...
148
00:06:10,186 --> 00:06:12,187
It was 15 years ago.
149
00:06:12,188 --> 00:06:13,188
I was 11 years old.
150
00:06:13,189 --> 00:06:14,690
Oh, he's got a memory
like an elephant.
151
00:06:15,074 --> 00:06:16,491
How lucky
can you get?
152
00:06:16,492 --> 00:06:19,494
I was there. I saw
your last performance.
153
00:06:19,495 --> 00:06:20,495
How was I?
154
00:06:20,496 --> 00:06:21,998
You... well,
you were great.
155
00:06:22,498 --> 00:06:23,498
You were unbelievable.
156
00:06:23,499 --> 00:06:24,417
Good answer.
157
00:06:24,418 --> 00:06:26,334
Who writes
your material?
158
00:06:26,335 --> 00:06:26,335
Who writes
your material?
159
00:06:28,337 --> 00:06:30,122
Wow!
160
00:06:30,123 --> 00:06:32,090
Is that morty?
Can I... I wanna...
161
00:06:32,091 --> 00:06:33,592
No! Hey! Hey!
Don't touch that!
162
00:06:33,593 --> 00:06:34,593
Leave it alone,
will ya?
163
00:06:34,594 --> 00:06:36,596
He's retired,
like me.
164
00:06:37,096 --> 00:06:38,096
What is it with you?
165
00:06:38,097 --> 00:06:40,099
What do you
want from me?
166
00:06:43,019 --> 00:06:44,970
So much history.
167
00:06:44,971 --> 00:06:45,971
So many memories.
168
00:06:45,972 --> 00:06:49,775
"Showgirl dies
in tragic resort fire.
169
00:06:49,776 --> 00:06:51,560
Famous ventriloquist
injured."
170
00:06:51,561 --> 00:06:51,561
Famous ventriloquist
injured."
171
00:06:57,867 --> 00:07:01,236
Some memories
are better than others.
172
00:07:01,237 --> 00:07:03,488
I'm not even sure
how the fire started.
173
00:07:03,489 --> 00:07:03,956
I'm not even sure
how the fire started.
174
00:07:07,910 --> 00:07:09,911
All I know is...
175
00:07:09,912 --> 00:07:11,413
I lost everything
that night.
176
00:07:11,414 --> 00:07:12,915
Everything.
177
00:07:13,416 --> 00:07:15,417
Couldn't you operate morty
with your left hand?
178
00:07:15,418 --> 00:07:17,920
Left? Left? Left?
179
00:07:18,421 --> 00:07:19,421
That's good
for opening doors
180
00:07:19,422 --> 00:07:21,307
and swatting flies.
181
00:07:21,724 --> 00:07:24,643
This is the hand that
had the magic in it.
182
00:07:24,644 --> 00:07:26,145
Why did
you come, huh?
183
00:07:26,646 --> 00:07:28,597
To stir up
old memories?
184
00:07:28,598 --> 00:07:30,600
To pry into my pain?
185
00:07:31,100 --> 00:07:33,401
Speak up, damn it!
186
00:07:33,402 --> 00:07:37,856
Um, tomorrow is amateur night
at the nautical club.
187
00:07:37,857 --> 00:07:39,858
I wanted my first time
in front of an audience
188
00:07:39,859 --> 00:07:43,361
to be on the very same stage
that I saw you perform.
189
00:07:43,362 --> 00:07:45,248
I was hoping that
maybe you could come by
190
00:07:45,748 --> 00:07:47,999
and give me your critique.
191
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:49,451
You know, maybe
some pointers.
192
00:07:49,452 --> 00:07:51,786
I don't go out much.
193
00:07:51,787 --> 00:07:53,788
Yeah, well...
194
00:07:53,789 --> 00:07:54,790
Thanks. Um...
195
00:07:55,291 --> 00:07:57,759
Sorry I wasted your time.
196
00:07:57,760 --> 00:07:57,760
Sorry I wasted your time.
197
00:08:01,714 --> 00:08:05,717
Mr. ingels, ever since
I saw you that night,
198
00:08:05,718 --> 00:08:07,686
you've been my idol.
199
00:08:07,687 --> 00:08:09,387
Because of you,
200
00:08:09,388 --> 00:08:13,808
all I've ever wanted to
be is a ventriloquist.
201
00:08:13,809 --> 00:08:17,312
I got to know if I've
got what it takes.
202
00:08:17,313 --> 00:08:18,647
Only you
can tell me that.
203
00:08:18,648 --> 00:08:18,648
Only you
can tell me that.
204
00:08:22,201 --> 00:08:23,652
Hey, kid.
205
00:08:23,653 --> 00:08:27,155
What's your name
again?
206
00:08:27,156 --> 00:08:28,657
Billy Goldman.
207
00:08:28,658 --> 00:08:30,992
Billy Goldman,
you forgot your act.
208
00:08:30,993 --> 00:08:30,993
Billy Goldman,
you forgot your act.
209
00:08:37,750 --> 00:08:39,251
Billy!
210
00:08:39,252 --> 00:08:39,252
Billy!
211
00:08:40,636 --> 00:08:41,970
I'll think
about it.
212
00:08:41,971 --> 00:08:41,971
I'll think
about it.
213
00:08:46,309 --> 00:08:47,809
He'll think about it.
214
00:08:47,810 --> 00:08:47,810
He'll think about it.
215
00:08:54,817 --> 00:08:56,067
What do
you think, morty?
216
00:08:56,068 --> 00:08:58,353
♪♪ Camptown ladies
sing this song ♪♪
217
00:08:58,354 --> 00:09:00,855
♪♪ Doo-dah, Doo-dah ♪♪
218
00:09:00,856 --> 00:09:02,857
♪♪ Camptown racetrack
5 miles long ♪♪
219
00:09:02,858 --> 00:09:05,860
♪♪ Oh, Doo-dah day... ♪♪
220
00:09:05,861 --> 00:09:07,362
Amateur night.
221
00:09:07,363 --> 00:09:08,363
Boy, you said it.
222
00:09:08,364 --> 00:09:09,864
Sounds like
a cat in heat.
223
00:09:09,865 --> 00:09:11,366
I think
she's pretty good.
224
00:09:11,367 --> 00:09:12,367
Hey, watch it!
225
00:09:12,368 --> 00:09:13,368
Big tits.
226
00:09:13,369 --> 00:09:14,869
That's the secret
to amateur night.
227
00:09:14,870 --> 00:09:16,371
Always make sure
you got big tits.
228
00:09:16,372 --> 00:09:17,872
Otherwise, you're south.
229
00:09:17,873 --> 00:09:18,873
Excuse me.
Hey!
230
00:09:18,874 --> 00:09:20,376
Thank you.
231
00:09:20,876 --> 00:09:23,379
♪♪ ...going to run
all night ♪♪
232
00:09:23,879 --> 00:09:24,880
♪♪ Going to run all day ♪♪
233
00:09:25,381 --> 00:09:27,882
♪♪ I bet my money
on a bobtail nag ♪♪
234
00:09:27,883 --> 00:09:29,885
♪♪ Somebody bet on
the bay ♪♪
235
00:09:30,386 --> 00:09:31,220
Oh, my god.
236
00:09:31,221 --> 00:09:32,771
He actually came.
He's here.
237
00:09:32,772 --> 00:09:33,772
He's here!
238
00:09:33,773 --> 00:09:34,773
Let's go!
You're on!
239
00:09:34,774 --> 00:09:35,774
Let's go! Let's go!
Come on! Come on!
240
00:09:35,775 --> 00:09:37,776
Ok, ok. My chair.
241
00:09:37,777 --> 00:09:39,277
Get your chair!
They're waiting for you!
242
00:09:39,278 --> 00:09:41,279
What's the matter?
Come on! Come on!
243
00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:42,782
Ladies and gentlemen,
244
00:09:43,282 --> 00:09:46,284
amateur night continues
at the nautical club
245
00:09:46,285 --> 00:09:48,287
with an unknown,
unheard-of,
246
00:09:48,788 --> 00:09:50,289
and likely
to stay that way...
247
00:09:50,790 --> 00:09:52,290
Just kidding...
248
00:09:52,291 --> 00:09:54,793
The fabulous
ventriloquism of Tim...
249
00:09:54,794 --> 00:09:55,794
What's your name?
250
00:09:55,795 --> 00:09:56,796
Billy. My name's
Billy...
251
00:09:57,296 --> 00:09:58,296
And Billy!
Tim and Billy!
252
00:09:58,297 --> 00:10:00,299
Come on! Put your hands
together! Come on!
253
00:10:04,303 --> 00:10:07,172
Um, this will
just be a second.
254
00:10:07,173 --> 00:10:10,141
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen...
255
00:10:10,142 --> 00:10:11,510
Uh, ladies and germs.
256
00:10:15,982 --> 00:10:18,984
Bring back the fuckin'
girl with the tits.
257
00:10:18,985 --> 00:10:22,487
I just recently flew in
from New Jersey.
258
00:10:22,488 --> 00:10:24,939
Bet
your arms are tired!
259
00:10:24,940 --> 00:10:27,442
And my arms
are tired.
260
00:10:27,443 --> 00:10:27,443
And my arms
are tired.
261
00:10:33,282 --> 00:10:36,251
Come on, kid.
You can do it.
262
00:10:36,252 --> 00:10:37,752
But...
263
00:10:37,753 --> 00:10:38,753
But...
264
00:10:38,754 --> 00:10:41,256
Boo!
Boo!
265
00:10:41,257 --> 00:10:43,124
But seriously,
folks... ahem.
266
00:10:43,125 --> 00:10:43,125
But seriously,
folks... ahem.
267
00:10:46,712 --> 00:10:49,214
My partner and myself
268
00:10:49,215 --> 00:10:52,217
would like to take
this time to announce
269
00:10:52,218 --> 00:10:54,803
we have a special guest
in the audience.
270
00:10:54,804 --> 00:10:55,771
Uh...
271
00:10:55,772 --> 00:10:59,691
A man who,
without any doubt,
272
00:10:59,692 --> 00:11:03,695
is probably the world's
greatest ventriloquist.
273
00:11:03,696 --> 00:11:06,198
Who cares?
274
00:11:09,201 --> 00:11:11,403
Go home
to your mama!
275
00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:11,404
Go home
to your mama!
276
00:11:31,974 --> 00:11:32,974
Hey, cutie pie.
277
00:11:32,975 --> 00:11:35,978
Want to buy
a girl a drink?
278
00:11:36,479 --> 00:11:37,979
You know, you're
kind of cute.
279
00:11:37,980 --> 00:11:39,982
You look like
my grandfather.
280
00:11:40,483 --> 00:11:43,485
I have a special today
on family members.
281
00:11:43,486 --> 00:11:44,986
Leave me alone.
Leave me alone.
282
00:11:44,987 --> 00:11:47,990
Well, if you change
your mind, I'm down there.
283
00:11:48,491 --> 00:11:49,491
Perk up.
284
00:11:49,492 --> 00:11:49,492
Perk up.
285
00:12:01,003 --> 00:12:03,004
I was terrible,
wasn't I?
286
00:12:03,005 --> 00:12:03,005
I was terrible,
wasn't I?
287
00:12:05,007 --> 00:12:06,008
It wasn't terrible.
288
00:12:06,459 --> 00:12:06,459
It wasn't terrible.
289
00:12:09,879 --> 00:12:12,297
Ok, it was terrible.
290
00:12:12,298 --> 00:12:14,299
You had no technique...
291
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:16,719
No concentration,
and no material,
292
00:12:17,186 --> 00:12:19,637
and you had no idea
how to work the audience.
293
00:12:19,638 --> 00:12:23,025
Billy, I suggest you look
for another line of work.
294
00:12:23,526 --> 00:12:24,527
Yeah.
295
00:12:25,027 --> 00:12:27,029
Listen, um, thanks
for coming down,
296
00:12:27,530 --> 00:12:30,448
and, um, I'm sorry
about the wasted trip.
297
00:12:30,449 --> 00:12:30,449
And, um, I'm sorry
about the wasted trip.
298
00:12:32,952 --> 00:12:34,403
Billy.
299
00:12:34,904 --> 00:12:34,904
Billy.
300
00:12:38,407 --> 00:12:41,292
Billy, I'm truly sorry.
301
00:12:41,293 --> 00:12:43,211
Believe me.
302
00:12:43,212 --> 00:12:44,629
I know what it's like
303
00:12:44,630 --> 00:12:46,499
when your whole
life's dream
304
00:12:46,966 --> 00:12:49,801
crumbles like
dust in your hand.
305
00:12:49,802 --> 00:12:50,802
Thanks.
306
00:12:50,803 --> 00:12:50,803
Thanks.
307
00:13:03,566 --> 00:13:04,567
No.
308
00:13:04,984 --> 00:13:04,984
No.
309
00:13:33,462 --> 00:13:34,929
Can I buy you a drink,
my dear?
310
00:13:34,930 --> 00:13:34,930
Can I buy you a drink,
my dear?
311
00:13:36,265 --> 00:13:38,800
What was I fuckin'
thinking about?
312
00:13:38,801 --> 00:13:42,303
My mother was right!
Everybody's been right!
313
00:13:42,304 --> 00:13:43,304
Fuck you!
314
00:13:43,305 --> 00:13:45,306
Ahh!
315
00:13:45,307 --> 00:13:47,809
Aah!
316
00:13:47,810 --> 00:13:49,812
Oh!
317
00:13:52,147 --> 00:13:53,147
What happened here?
318
00:13:53,148 --> 00:13:54,649
At first, we
thought they were necking,
319
00:13:54,650 --> 00:13:57,652
but then the guy saw us and
took off running for the woods!
320
00:13:57,653 --> 00:14:00,655
Did you see him?
What did he look like?
321
00:14:00,656 --> 00:14:03,658
It was dark.
He did it!
322
00:14:03,659 --> 00:14:05,159
Horrible! It was horrible!
323
00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:06,661
He was trying
to set the car on fire!
324
00:14:06,662 --> 00:14:08,162
It stinks of gas!
Nobody smoke!
325
00:14:08,163 --> 00:14:09,665
Don't smoke!
Nobody smoke!
326
00:14:10,165 --> 00:14:10,165
Don't smoke!
Nobody smoke!
327
00:14:19,358 --> 00:14:21,643
Mr. ingels! Oh, my god.
328
00:14:21,644 --> 00:14:23,645
Get out of here,
god damn it!
329
00:14:23,646 --> 00:14:25,263
Oh!
330
00:14:25,264 --> 00:14:26,765
Hey! Hey!
Just get that...
331
00:14:27,266 --> 00:14:28,766
What the hell are
you pulling here?
332
00:14:28,767 --> 00:14:30,769
Hey, give me that! That's my morphine!
Give me that!
333
00:14:31,770 --> 00:14:33,771
You idiot! don't you know
what you're doing?
334
00:14:33,772 --> 00:14:35,773
You're nothing
but a junkie!
335
00:14:35,774 --> 00:14:37,275
To think
I admired you.
336
00:14:37,276 --> 00:14:39,278
To think I wanted to
be just like you.
337
00:14:39,778 --> 00:14:40,778
Please. Please,
don't hurt me.
338
00:14:40,779 --> 00:14:42,280
You killed that woman
tonight, didn't you?
339
00:14:42,281 --> 00:14:43,781
No! No, not me!
340
00:14:43,782 --> 00:14:45,283
Don't lie to me,
old man!
341
00:14:45,284 --> 00:14:46,284
You killed her!
342
00:14:46,285 --> 00:14:47,285
You stink
of gasoline!
343
00:14:47,286 --> 00:14:49,787
You tried to set a
fire to cover it up
344
00:14:49,788 --> 00:14:51,289
just like that other
woman 15 years ago!
345
00:14:51,290 --> 00:14:54,292
No! No! I set those fire,
but I never killed...
346
00:14:54,293 --> 00:14:55,794
Then who killed her?
Who killed her?
347
00:14:56,295 --> 00:14:57,795
Morty!
348
00:14:57,796 --> 00:14:59,213
Who?
349
00:14:59,214 --> 00:14:59,214
Who?
350
00:15:01,216 --> 00:15:02,217
Morty.
351
00:15:02,685 --> 00:15:02,685
Morty.
352
00:15:06,188 --> 00:15:09,190
He hates women.
353
00:15:09,191 --> 00:15:10,692
He's never been able
to have a woman
354
00:15:10,693 --> 00:15:13,194
in a normal way.
355
00:15:13,195 --> 00:15:15,698
Oh, I... I try
to stop him,
356
00:15:16,198 --> 00:15:18,199
but there's just
no reasoning with morty.
357
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:19,651
He's very willful...
358
00:15:19,652 --> 00:15:19,652
He's very willful...
359
00:15:22,121 --> 00:15:24,072
And very psychotic.
360
00:15:24,073 --> 00:15:24,073
And very psychotic.
361
00:15:26,492 --> 00:15:29,994
Mr. ingels, there's, um,
people who will understand,
362
00:15:29,995 --> 00:15:32,997
people who
can help you.
363
00:15:32,998 --> 00:15:34,916
What are you saying?
364
00:15:34,917 --> 00:15:36,751
I'm crazy?
365
00:15:36,752 --> 00:15:39,170
Split personality?
366
00:15:39,171 --> 00:15:40,556
That I hear voices
in my head
367
00:15:40,973 --> 00:15:44,092
in the middle
of the night?
368
00:15:44,093 --> 00:15:46,427
I think you
better go now...
369
00:15:46,428 --> 00:15:49,181
Before morty
tries to hurt you.
370
00:15:49,648 --> 00:15:51,149
Morty can't hurt me.
371
00:15:51,150 --> 00:15:54,152
He... he's made
of cloth and wood,
372
00:15:54,153 --> 00:15:56,237
nothing else.
373
00:15:56,238 --> 00:15:58,189
You don't know
what you're saying.
374
00:15:58,190 --> 00:15:58,190
You don't know
what you're saying.
375
00:16:00,192 --> 00:16:01,693
I'll show you.
376
00:16:01,694 --> 00:16:01,694
I'll show you.
377
00:16:04,196 --> 00:16:06,614
Morty...
378
00:16:06,615 --> 00:16:08,032
Please. Not again.
379
00:16:08,033 --> 00:16:10,535
He can't hurt me.
380
00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:12,920
He's... he's not real.
381
00:16:12,921 --> 00:16:12,921
He's... he's not real.
382
00:16:15,674 --> 00:16:18,176
He can't do anything.
He isn't alive.
383
00:16:18,177 --> 00:16:20,044
He's just a dummy.
384
00:16:20,045 --> 00:16:22,046
They manufactured him.
I'll prove it to you.
385
00:16:22,047 --> 00:16:22,931
Come here, Mr. ingles.
386
00:16:22,932 --> 00:16:24,849
Come over here.
Take a look at this.
387
00:16:24,850 --> 00:16:24,850
Come over here.
Take a look at this.
388
00:16:27,353 --> 00:16:28,353
He isn't real.
389
00:16:28,354 --> 00:16:29,854
He's constructed
of wood and cloth,
390
00:16:29,855 --> 00:16:32,857
some wires, some cables.
391
00:16:32,858 --> 00:16:35,360
He has no mind...
392
00:16:35,361 --> 00:16:36,728
No soul.
393
00:16:36,729 --> 00:16:38,980
And no head.
394
00:16:38,981 --> 00:16:40,481
Aah!
395
00:16:40,482 --> 00:16:41,482
Aah!
396
00:16:41,483 --> 00:16:41,483
Aah!
397
00:16:44,486 --> 00:16:45,486
You know it all, huh?
398
00:16:45,487 --> 00:16:46,871
Know it all,
you little shit?
399
00:16:46,872 --> 00:16:48,239
Aah!
400
00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:48,240
Aah!
401
00:16:51,243 --> 00:16:54,245
Go on! Go on!
You missed something.
402
00:16:54,246 --> 00:16:56,247
Take a look.
Go ahead.
403
00:16:56,248 --> 00:16:58,250
Look! Look!
404
00:16:58,751 --> 00:16:59,751
Look at it!
405
00:16:59,752 --> 00:17:01,252
That's right,
a mask!
406
00:17:01,253 --> 00:17:02,754
Morty's like me.
He's real!
407
00:17:02,755 --> 00:17:03,639
He's flesh
and blood!
408
00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:07,425
In fact,
morty is my brother!
409
00:17:07,426 --> 00:17:08,426
Ha ha ha!
410
00:17:08,427 --> 00:17:09,427
My brother!
411
00:17:09,428 --> 00:17:10,312
You see him?
412
00:17:10,313 --> 00:17:12,231
Here's morty!
413
00:17:12,731 --> 00:17:13,599
Aah!
414
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:15,066
We were
born like this.
415
00:17:15,067 --> 00:17:16,067
I guess we were
meant to be twins,
416
00:17:16,068 --> 00:17:18,319
but nature can work in
a cruel way sometimes.
417
00:17:18,320 --> 00:17:20,104
But rather than going
through life as freaks,
418
00:17:20,105 --> 00:17:22,106
we decided on a career
in show business!
419
00:17:22,107 --> 00:17:25,109
Yeah. We decided to
put our heads together.
420
00:17:25,110 --> 00:17:28,112
That's a joke, son.
I don't see you laughing.
421
00:17:28,113 --> 00:17:29,614
Ha ha ha!
422
00:17:29,615 --> 00:17:32,200
For 15 years,
I kept him drugged up,
423
00:17:32,201 --> 00:17:33,584
away from the world.
424
00:17:33,585 --> 00:17:34,952
Especially the ladies.
425
00:17:34,953 --> 00:17:37,371
Then you had to come along
and stir things up!
426
00:17:37,372 --> 00:17:39,757
Get the cleaver!
Cut him up!
427
00:17:39,758 --> 00:17:41,759
You even destroyed the
last of the morphine,
428
00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:43,261
the only thing that
could calm him down.
429
00:17:43,262 --> 00:17:46,764
Now I can't even stop him!
He's very willful!
430
00:17:46,765 --> 00:17:49,267
What are you gonna do?
Talk him to death?
431
00:17:49,268 --> 00:17:50,768
Slice him!
432
00:17:50,769 --> 00:17:53,772
Unzip his guts!
Kill him! Kill him!
433
00:17:54,273 --> 00:17:55,273
Kill him!
434
00:17:55,274 --> 00:17:56,275
Stop it! He doesn't
control you!
435
00:17:56,775 --> 00:17:58,776
You're the ventriloquist!
He's the dummy!
436
00:17:58,777 --> 00:18:00,778
I'm the brains
of this outfit!
437
00:18:00,779 --> 00:18:02,780
It was my idea
to go into show biz.
438
00:18:02,781 --> 00:18:06,784
I designed the act!
I wrote all the material!
439
00:18:06,785 --> 00:18:08,786
I wrote his ad-libs!
440
00:18:08,787 --> 00:18:12,290
He's just a straight man.
I'm the funny one!
441
00:18:12,291 --> 00:18:15,126
You know what it's like
being stuck with my brother?
442
00:18:15,127 --> 00:18:18,497
All those gorgeous babes
flaunting themselves
443
00:18:18,997 --> 00:18:21,999
and not able to do a thing
about it without him?
444
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,502
Do it! Carve him up!
445
00:18:24,503 --> 00:18:25,503
Aah!
446
00:18:25,504 --> 00:18:28,005
I'm sorry, Billy.
You're a nice kid.
447
00:18:28,006 --> 00:18:29,507
But I got to chop you.
448
00:18:29,508 --> 00:18:31,009
I gotta cut you to
steaming little pieces!
449
00:18:31,510 --> 00:18:33,511
Stop! You can fight him, Mr.
Ingels!
450
00:18:33,512 --> 00:18:35,012
You can fight him.
451
00:18:35,013 --> 00:18:36,514
He'll tell everybody
about us!
452
00:18:36,515 --> 00:18:38,516
They'll put us away
in a dark place.
453
00:18:38,517 --> 00:18:40,518
Lock us up with
all the other freaks!
454
00:18:40,519 --> 00:18:43,521
Now, do it!
Chop his head in two!
455
00:18:43,522 --> 00:18:44,906
Kill him! Kill him!
456
00:18:44,907 --> 00:18:46,691
Get out of my head,
you little shit!
457
00:18:46,692 --> 00:18:47,992
Get out of my head!
458
00:18:47,993 --> 00:18:49,494
Aah!
459
00:18:49,495 --> 00:18:49,495
Aah!
460
00:18:50,863 --> 00:18:52,330
Aah!
461
00:18:52,331 --> 00:18:54,833
Aah!
462
00:18:55,334 --> 00:18:56,835
Aah!
What are you doing?
463
00:18:57,336 --> 00:18:59,087
I'm splitting up
the act!
464
00:19:06,929 --> 00:19:08,930
Don't worry, Mr. ingels.
You'll be ok!
465
00:19:08,931 --> 00:19:11,432
It doesn't matter,
Billy.
466
00:19:11,433 --> 00:19:12,935
I'm free.
I'm finally free.
467
00:19:13,435 --> 00:19:13,435
I'm free.
I'm finally free.
468
00:19:14,937 --> 00:19:16,938
Au contraire,
mein fr￩re.
469
00:19:16,939 --> 00:19:17,940
Aah!
470
00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:20,441
I'm the one
who's finally free!
471
00:19:20,442 --> 00:19:21,442
Ha ha ha ha ha!
472
00:19:21,443 --> 00:19:22,311
Aah!
473
00:19:22,311 --> 00:19:22,811
Aah!
474
00:19:23,812 --> 00:19:25,313
Aah!
475
00:19:25,314 --> 00:19:25,314
Aah!
476
00:19:26,815 --> 00:19:27,316
Aah!
477
00:19:27,816 --> 00:19:27,816
Aah!
478
00:19:29,818 --> 00:19:31,819
Billy,
get him off me!
479
00:19:31,820 --> 00:19:33,821
Get him off me!
480
00:19:33,822 --> 00:19:34,706
Get him... aah!
481
00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:36,073
Aah!
482
00:19:36,074 --> 00:19:36,074
Aah!
483
00:19:37,576 --> 00:19:39,577
Aah!
484
00:19:39,578 --> 00:19:39,578
Aah!
485
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:43,548
Mr. ingels!
486
00:19:43,549 --> 00:19:44,549
Aah!
487
00:19:44,550 --> 00:19:44,550
Aah!
488
00:19:47,553 --> 00:19:49,555
All right,
you little fucker!
489
00:19:50,055 --> 00:19:53,057
I'm going to park you
in the cheap fuckin' seats!
490
00:19:53,058 --> 00:19:56,060
All right! All right,
where are ya?
491
00:19:56,061 --> 00:19:58,563
Come on out.
Where are you?
492
00:19:58,564 --> 00:20:01,483
Get the point?
Ha ha ha!
493
00:20:01,984 --> 00:20:03,985
I'm gonna turn you into
a greasy little smear,
494
00:20:03,986 --> 00:20:05,987
you sick turd!
495
00:20:05,988 --> 00:20:07,989
Where are you,
you little fuck?
496
00:20:07,990 --> 00:20:08,990
Over here, Turkey!
497
00:20:08,991 --> 00:20:08,991
Over here, Turkey!
498
00:20:10,492 --> 00:20:11,993
What a lovely bastard.
499
00:20:11,994 --> 00:20:14,996
You inbred fuckin'
cabbage patch kid!
500
00:20:14,997 --> 00:20:16,447
You're a real schmuck!
501
00:20:16,448 --> 00:20:19,867
I'm gonna turn you
into brain fuckin' pie!
502
00:20:19,868 --> 00:20:22,370
Hey, moe! Hey, Larry!
Woo woo woo woo!
503
00:20:22,371 --> 00:20:22,371
Hey, moe! Hey, Larry!
Woo woo woo woo!
504
00:20:24,373 --> 00:20:26,374
Hey, batter,
batter, batter.
505
00:20:26,375 --> 00:20:26,375
Hey, batter,
batter, batter.
506
00:20:27,376 --> 00:20:28,376
Swing!
507
00:20:28,377 --> 00:20:30,378
Ohh!
508
00:20:30,379 --> 00:20:32,880
Hey, ump. The
batter's blind.
509
00:20:32,881 --> 00:20:35,132
Throw that bum
out of the game.
510
00:20:35,133 --> 00:20:37,602
Get him a dog.
Walk him around.
511
00:20:37,603 --> 00:20:40,054
Why, my own grandmother
can hit better than that.
512
00:20:40,055 --> 00:20:42,024
What a moron! Moron!
513
00:20:42,524 --> 00:20:44,942
There's the pitch!
Batter swings!
514
00:20:44,943 --> 00:20:46,944
Ohh! Aah!
515
00:20:46,945 --> 00:20:46,945
Ohh! Aah!
516
00:20:49,948 --> 00:20:50,948
Oh!
517
00:20:50,949 --> 00:20:51,949
Home run!
518
00:20:51,950 --> 00:20:54,452
No, not
the meat grinder!
519
00:20:54,453 --> 00:20:55,953
Ow!
520
00:20:55,954 --> 00:20:57,455
What are you doing?
521
00:20:57,456 --> 00:20:59,458
I'm Makin' an asshole
casserole, pal,
522
00:20:59,958 --> 00:21:01,959
and you're
the main ingredient.
523
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:05,463
Oh, Jesus, it's
killing... no!
524
00:21:05,464 --> 00:21:06,464
Wait!
525
00:21:06,465 --> 00:21:07,965
We can make a deal.
526
00:21:07,966 --> 00:21:09,467
Shut up!
527
00:21:09,468 --> 00:21:11,969
You know what
I'm saying?
528
00:21:11,970 --> 00:21:13,972
Oh, Jesus Christ,
it's killing me.
529
00:21:14,473 --> 00:21:16,474
I'll do
anything you want.
530
00:21:16,475 --> 00:21:17,476
Ow!
531
00:21:17,976 --> 00:21:20,978
Anything! Anything!
I swear!
532
00:21:20,979 --> 00:21:22,980
Anything?
533
00:21:22,981 --> 00:21:26,484
Mmm. Mmm.
534
00:21:26,485 --> 00:21:26,485
Mmm. Mmm.
535
00:21:28,487 --> 00:21:33,441
And now, direct from las Vegas,
here's morty and Billy!
536
00:21:33,442 --> 00:21:35,443
It's showtime, folks.
537
00:21:35,444 --> 00:21:35,444
It's showtime, folks.
538
00:21:36,945 --> 00:21:39,947
She says to me, "you know a
better way to study astronomy?"
539
00:21:39,948 --> 00:21:41,449
Well, what did
you do then?
540
00:21:41,450 --> 00:21:42,450
What else?
541
00:21:42,451 --> 00:21:44,953
I showed her my
telescope, the big one!
542
00:21:45,454 --> 00:21:45,454
I showed her my
telescope, the big one!
543
00:21:46,955 --> 00:21:49,541
I'm telling ya. She really
saw stars that night.
544
00:21:51,043 --> 00:21:52,426
Hold the phone.
545
00:21:52,427 --> 00:21:55,880
Look what
just walked in.
546
00:21:55,881 --> 00:21:59,685
Hubba hubba yeow!
547
00:22:00,102 --> 00:22:01,602
What a tomato.
548
00:22:01,603 --> 00:22:04,105
Morty, um,
about the telescope,
549
00:22:04,106 --> 00:22:07,108
did you discover any other new
heavenly bodies that night?
550
00:22:07,109 --> 00:22:10,111
You bet your ass.
Feast your eyes on her.
551
00:22:10,112 --> 00:22:12,614
Hey, baby, what are you
doing after the show?
552
00:22:13,115 --> 00:22:14,116
Stick to the
material, damn it.
553
00:22:14,616 --> 00:22:16,117
Forget the material.
554
00:22:16,118 --> 00:22:17,119
That toots is making
eyes at me.
555
00:22:17,619 --> 00:22:18,619
I'm warning you.
556
00:22:18,620 --> 00:22:21,038
I bet she could suck
the varnish off a foot stool.
557
00:22:21,039 --> 00:22:23,040
Couldn't ya, honey?
558
00:22:23,041 --> 00:22:24,542
Look, we had
an agreement!
559
00:22:24,543 --> 00:22:25,544
You get top billing.
560
00:22:26,044 --> 00:22:27,044
The ladies
are off-limits!
561
00:22:27,045 --> 00:22:28,546
Now, cut this shit
562
00:22:28,547 --> 00:22:31,048
or I'll shove you right back
into that meat grinder.
563
00:22:31,049 --> 00:22:33,467
I think you're gonna find
that a little difficult,
564
00:22:33,468 --> 00:22:35,469
not to mention painful.
565
00:22:35,470 --> 00:22:36,470
What are you doing?
566
00:22:36,471 --> 00:22:38,339
Renegotiating our deal.
567
00:22:38,340 --> 00:22:39,340
Aah!
568
00:22:39,341 --> 00:22:40,225
Aah!
569
00:22:40,226 --> 00:22:42,977
Let's go. Come on.
570
00:22:42,978 --> 00:22:44,345
Aah!
571
00:22:44,346 --> 00:22:46,597
Pull yourself together.
572
00:22:46,598 --> 00:22:49,400
Aah!
573
00:22:49,401 --> 00:22:52,403
Try to scratch
your ass now, buster.
574
00:22:52,404 --> 00:22:53,904
Ha ha ha!
575
00:22:53,905 --> 00:22:56,407
Looks like we're
stuck with each other.
576
00:22:56,408 --> 00:22:57,908
Aah!
577
00:22:57,909 --> 00:22:57,909
Aah!
578
00:23:00,779 --> 00:23:02,280
What do you say, folks?
579
00:23:02,781 --> 00:23:05,784
Billy deserves a big
hand, don't you think?
580
00:23:06,701 --> 00:23:07,619
Sheesh!
581
00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:09,620
The things
some folks will do
582
00:23:09,621 --> 00:23:12,591
to get ahead
in show business.
583
00:23:13,091 --> 00:23:14,091
Oh, well.
584
00:23:14,092 --> 00:23:17,546
Next time somebody
tells Billy he's no dummy,
585
00:23:18,046 --> 00:23:20,515
he can say,
"want to bet?"
586
00:23:21,016 --> 00:23:22,516
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!
587
00:23:22,517 --> 00:23:22,517
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!
588
00:23:25,036 --> 00:23:27,872
Captioning made possible by
Warner bros.
589
00:23:27,873 --> 00:23:30,775
Captioned by the national captioning
institute... www.Ncicap.Org...
590
00:23:30,776 --> 00:23:31,143
Captioned by the national captioning
institute... www.Ncicap.Org...
39080
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