Original subtitles

Ahh, welcome to my cozy crypt.

Have I got a story for you!

A tacky tropical tale of love and lust,

greed and ghouls,

and my personal favorite, death!

Ha ha ha ha.

But I'm warning you,

it's not a pretty picture.

So, pack up your passport

and prepare for this torrid tale

of putrefaction in paradise.

I'm sure you'll find it appealing.

Good evening, good evening.

Nice to have you with us.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha!

Heh heh heh.

To the future, partner.

To the future, partner.

Your copy of the escrow papers,

direct from the executor

of the Fitzgerald estate

to your eager young hands.

I can already see the fabulous hotel calypso

rising on that land already.

A pity the widow Fitzgerald's

going to miss the grand opening.

Like you missed the house call

when she went into cardiac arrest, eh, doc?

Yes. That was very unfortunate.

Freddie! Who is that incredible creature?

That incredible creature, my dear boy,

is Margaret Richardson.

She's one of the London richardsons.

She needs someone to show her around the island.

Introduce me.

Margaret's rather a tad high-strung.

If I were you, I'd keep my hand...

Among other things... In my pocket.

Freddie, darling!

It's been a dog's age!

Margaret.

Thanks so much for the invitation.

Oh, mind my hair.

It's already suffering from the humidity.

Ha ha ha.

Margaret, may I introduce our host,

Mr. Logan Andrews?

Margaret... she's just arrived from england.

How do you do?

Better already.

Welcome to our island paradise.

Paradise? Oh, hardly.

I'd forgotten how hot it gets down here

and how humid.

And the food, it's so spicy

and so...

Ethnic.

The trip down here was an absolute nightmare.

They had the nerve to call the service first class.

What they really should call it, of course,

is steerage.

You said she was a tad high-strung.

She's a bitch on wheels.

She's a bitch on wheels.

Boss! Boss! Come quick!

There be a terrible accident!

There be a terrible accident!

Don't go away.

Where would I go in this godforsaken place?

Where would I go in this godforsaken place?

We be clearing away the brush.

Before we know what happen,

the quicksand, it swallow him up!

Just like that!

Poor Charlie, man. I'm going to miss him.

Yeah. All right, tomorrow, take the men

and start at the other end.

But that's what I been trying to tell you, boss.

The land, all of it, swamp, quicksand.

Then sink pylons. All right?

Boss, you can't do nothing!

I don't care what it takes.

Just make it work.

Boss, you can shake me all you want,

but I'm being straight with you.

If you're going to build here,

it's going to take more money than god!

It's going to take more money than god!

You look like you lost your best friend,

if you had one.

Not now, Freddie. Not now.

Not now, Freddie. Not now.

The land is a swamp.

It's going to cost millions to build on it.

It's going to cost millions to build on it.

My god, I'm ruined.

My god, I'm ruined.

Remember, you called her the bitch on wheels.

But she's a Bugatti with a 4 on the floor

and 4 million in the bank.

I always said you'd get ahead,

no matter what it takes or who.

Heh heh heh.

Heh heh heh.

Miss, um... Robertson, wasn't it?

That's Richardson.

That's Richardson.

Funny, nobody else seems to have any trouble

remembering my name.

Perhaps I've been spending all of my energies

remembering your face.

Really, Mr. Andrews,

shouldn't you be saving yourself

for more strenuous pursuits?

I know you don't like this place very much,

but it does have its compensations...

Moonlit beaches, pounding surf,

tropical breezes...

And you.

Yes, and me.

Yes, and me.

A boorish young hustler.

Good night, Mr. Andrews.

Good night, Mr. Andrews.

What do you want?

Can't I visit an old friend?

Don't be playing that game with me, Logan Andrews.

Our friendship was over as soon as your fancy friends

didn't approve of you bringing

your own dark meat to that club barbecue.

Touch￩, psyche. Then I shall cut to the chase,

which, unfortunately, isn't going too well.

It seems there's a certain young lady

who doesn't find me quite as charming

as you once did,

and I was thinking maybe you could... Do something?

Strictly business, of course.

Strictly business, of course.

All right.

Good.

Good.

Then it's this you'll be needing.

You give her one drop,

she become your wife,

but if you give her 2,

she be yours for life.

She be yours for life.

Now, the swimming pool will be right here.

And this picture, of course,

depicts the cabanas.

What do you think?

Yes, I'm sure the potential's there,

but as my father always used to say,

"the first 3 rules of real estate

are location, location, and location."

And this location is disgusting, disgusting, and disgusting.

I think it's a bad risk,

and you, Mr. Andrews, are bad news.

Well, I'm sorry that you feel that way

because you made quite an impression on me last night...

On everyone at the party, in fact.

If that's the creme de la creme

of island society, give me skimmed milk.

How about something a bit stronger?

It's just so goddamned hot down here.

Here. You'll feel better.

Not until I'm out of this tropical hellhole.

Not until I'm out of this tropical hellhole.

Did it...

Did it just...

Get hotter in here?

Yes, and I believe it's going to get even hotter.

Yes, and I believe it's going to get even hotter.

Over my dead body.

Good night, Logan, and good riddance!

Good night, Logan, and good riddance!

Margaret, is that you?

Uh-huh.

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

I...Couldn't stay away.

I...Couldn't stay away.

Are you feeling all right?

Mm-hmm.

I'm fine.

Oh, and don't call me Margaret.

Call me...

Call me...

Maggie.

Maggie.

Can I, uh...

Get you anything?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

You.

You.

Thank you, Wellington.

Thank you, Wellington.

Really, Logan, I don't like

the looks of that man.

You're going to have to get

a better class of servant.

Darling, his family's worked here for generations.

Where else would he go?

Somewhere with lower standards, I imagine.

Somewhere with lower standards, I imagine.

Care for some champagne?

Care for some champagne?

Arrivederci, margaret.

Hello, Maggie.

Well, this should be a refreshing tidbit.

To our undying love.

To our undying love.

Ha!

Ha!

Mmm.

Mmm.

Did it...

Did it...

Did it...

Just...

Get hotter in here?

Get hotter in here?

Ha ha ha.

Oh.

Ah!

Margaret, are you...

Well come on, Freddie.

You've got enough drugs in that bag of tricks

to stock a pharmacy, for god's sake. Do something!

You can't let her go like the widow Fitzgerald!

Cover your tongue!

I'm doing what I can!

I don't know what's wrong with her yet.

It could be anything.

Has she eaten or ingested anything unusual?

Not that I can think of.

Logan, I'll always love you,

forever and ever!

Forever and ever!

She's gone.

She's gone.

"And bound to the services of god,

"your gains are such as make for holiness,

"and the end is eternal life,

"for sin pays a wage,

"and the wage is death.

"But god gives freely.

"And his gift is eternal life

"in union with Christ Jesus, our lord.

Amen."

Amen. Amen.

Amen. Amen.

I kept my part of the bargain!

Did you keep yours?

Uhh!

Uhh!

Margaret is dead.

Youkilled her!

Me? I only made it.

You give it to her!

Unh!

You're not worth going to prison for...

My love.

My love.

Where you're going...

'Tis far worse, my child.

Far worse.

Far worse.

Margaret...

Margaret...

Margaret...

Maggie...

You were the biggest fish

a guy could ever hope to land.

A guy could ever hope to land.

And my land... Is swamp.

And my land... Is swamp.

And my ass is grass.

And my ass is grass.

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Logan!

Logan!

Jesus Christ.

Where am I?

Where are you?

Freddie pronounced you dead.

We had a funeral.

Dead?

Yeah.

A funeral?

A funeral?

Oh, damn!

I broke another nail!

Forget your nails! You're alive!

Oh, Logan.

I never thought I'd see you again,

never kiss you again,

never make love to you again.

Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah!

Logan...

You are going to make a fine groom for her.

You are going to make a fine groom for her.

Darling...

I hope you like this

because I've been up since the crack of dawn

cooking for my little snookum-wookums.

It smells like something died in here.

Idon't smell anything.

Margaret, are you all right?

Me?

You look a bit, uh...

Off.

Oh, don't be so silly, darling.

I feel energized, invigorated,

positively reborn.

Now, I want you to eat every last bite

because you're going to need all your strength

if you're going to make love to me

5 times a day.

Did you really make all of this?

Mm-hmm. Aw.

And if you like this,

you will love dessert.

You will love dessert.

Ta-ta!

Ta-ta.

Ta-ta.

Heh heh heh!

You're looking awfully chipper for a man

who's just buried the love of his life.

Were you the beneficiary?

Ha ha ha ha!

You have just made the most colossal mistake

of your medical career.

Ha ha ha. No, no, no.

I did that in england, dear boy.

Why the hell do you think I'm in this place?

I don't quite know how you blew this one,

but Margaret's alive.

But Margaret's alive.

Hmm hmm hmm!

That's impossible.

I know a corpse when I see one,

and I can assure you

that poor, dear Margaret... Unlike me...

Is completely pickled.

You see, I had her embalmed.

Oh, that's impossible.

No. It's the law.

One can't be too careful in this climate.

One can't be too careful in this climate.

Oh, darn! There goes another nail.

Oh, darn! There goes another nail.

Something wrong, pumpkin?

Get away from me.

Come and give

your little baby-waby a kiss.

"Give her one drop, she'll be your wife.

Give her 2, she'll be yours for life."

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Stay back, Margaret!

You're dead!

♪♪ Sticks and stones ♪♪

♪♪ Can break my bones ♪♪

Unh!

Unh!

Oh, my god! I've killed her!

Oh, my god! I've killed her!

Wait a second.

Wait a second.

Wait a second.

I can't have killed her.

She's already dead.

She's already dead.

Logan!

How could you?

I just bought this dress.

I just bought this dress.

Darling!

Aah!

Aah!

Pumpkin! Where are you?

Your honey button wants a kiss.

Your honey button wants a kiss.

Oh!

Ahh!

No!

No!

No!

No!

Unh! Unh!

Aah! Aah!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Aah!

Oh, my god!

Unh! Unh!

Whoa!

Stay away from me!

No!

No!

Get away from me!

Get away from me!

Take me, Logan!

I'm burning with desire!

I'm burning with desire!

Aah!

So much for burning desire.

So much for burning desire.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh.

Oh.

Ooh.

Oh. Whoa.

Oh. Whoa.

To Margaret...

May she rest in peace.

I thought I would never get over her death.

I thought I would never get over her death.

In fact,

I never thought she'd get over it, either.

I never thought she'd get over it, either.

No! No!

No! No!

No!

I'm back!

I'm back!

Ohh!

Ooh! Ooh!

Ooh! Ooh!

Uh... I thought I was...

You were...

But do you think you can take

the easy way out?

You see, Logan, it's like I tell you.

I'll always keep my promises.

Now, there's someone

who's just dying to see you.

Who's just dying to see you.

I always said you'd geta head, logan.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha!

That's right, Logan.

Like I say,

she be yours for life...

And death.

And death.

Aah!

Aah!

Well, psyche can work that old black magic on me

any time she wants.

And how about Maggie?

Girls like that are pretty hard to dig up.

Anyway, looks like poor old Logan's got himself...

A zombie!

I think I'll have one, too.

I think I'll have one, too.

Captioning made possible by Warner bros.

Captioned by the national captioning institute... www.Ncicap.Org...

Captioned by the national captioning institute... www.Ncicap.Org...