Original subtitles

Ahh!

Welcome, horror hooligans.

This is your shiver chef.

It's disgusting what people will do to stay young!

What's the matter with you?

You want to keep that 90-pound corpse

for the rest of your death?

Keep pumping while I tell the story.

Tonight's story is about an old man

who finds a new wrinkle in the fountain of youth...

A twisted tale that we callthe switch.

Have you been here all night, sir?

You're liable to catch your death of cold.

Ha ha ha!

Are you all right, sir?

I'm in love, fulton.

I'm in love.

Have you taken your medicine, sir?

I knew you'd think I'd gone mad,

but it's true.

I am madly, desperately in love.

She's cultured, sophisticated,

and what's best... She's young.

Young, sir? Forgive me, sir.

Are you sure she's interested in you and not your...

Money?

Don't worry, fulton.

I love Linda.

I want to marry her very much,

but only if she loves me and not my money.

She has no idea of how wealthy I am.

I have absolutely no intention of telling her.

Rather good thinking, sir.

This house has needed a new life

for a long, long time.

And Linda is going to bring it.

Come on, fulton. Let's open the curtains.

Right you are, sir.

Open the curtains! Let some light in here!

It's been dark long enough! Open all the curtains!

"The lord said, let there be light, and there was light."

We'll have the sun, the moon, the stars, Linda!

It's time for us to live again, fulton!

You could have dressed a little more smartly, sir.

I don't want her to know about me, fulton.

Then tally-ho and good hunting, sir.

Thank you, fulton.

Ah, they're lovely, Carlton.

They're as beautiful as all the other flowers you've given me.

Not half as beautiful as you.

You've made me very happy, Linda,

and I'd like to make you happy, too.

What do you mean?

I don't have very much money,

but I'd gladly share whatever I have if you'd marry me.

Carlton, I can't.

Why not?

You are so sweet to me, Carlton,

and I appreciate that,

but when I look into your face,

I know that I could never marry you.

You look too old,

old enough to be my grandfather.

You're right.

I guess I've had this old face...

A long, long time.

A long, long time.

But...

I'm not... Going to let that...

Keep us apart.

What do you mean?

I'll do anything it takes to make you happy...

Anything.

May I inquire how everything went, sir?

Perfect, fulton.

Everything...

Is going to be... Just...

Perfect.

So young. So young.

So young. So young.

Did you say something?

No.

They say Dr. Thorne is such a miracle worker.

He can take as much as 5 to 10 years off your appearance.

5 to 10 years?

Wouldn't that solve all our problems?

The doctor can see you now.

The doctor can see you now.

We could start by tightening under the chin

and across the forehead.

That's not enough.

We could continue with 2 eye tucks.

Still not enough.

We could even add new cheekbones

and a chin implant.

And a chin implant.

I want to look still younger than that.

Well, there are vitamin shots and hormones.

Take a look at what we did with this gentleman.

Using those techniques, I've made him look 20 years younger.

I want to look like I'm 30 years old.

Mr. Webster, I can only turn back the clock so far.

At your advanced age,

there's only so much that can be done with the human face.

I don't think you fully understand me, doctor.

I don't expect you to makemyface look 30.

Then what do you expect?

A wholenewface.

That's impossible!

Mmm...

I heard there's someone who can do it.

You understand that this kind of referral doesn't come cheap,

don't you?

Life is cheap, doctor...

But youth...

Youth is very, very precious.

Are you sure you'll be all right?, sir

oh, I'll be fine.

I'll just show you to the door.

Thank you, yes. But then go on back. I'll be all right.

Come.

The anesthetic, the nerve work, the technology...

$1 million.

$1 million?

It's not so much, Mr. Webster.

In fact, for a miracle, it's not much at all.

But...

How can I be certain that it would work?

Because I have performed the operation before.

Where?

In bratislava.

But in America, no one believes me.

They call me charlatan.

They laughed about organ transplants, too.

One day, they will write about me.

One day, they will worship me, the fools.

I think it's outrageous.

$1 million for a simple operation?

Simple? This is a very complex operation, Mr. Webster!

Only a doctor of the greatest talent

would even dare to attempt it...

Someone like me!

Besides...

The operation only costs $100,000.

Well... What is the other 900,000 for?

The young man's face.

What young man?

You think faces grow on trees, Mr. Webster, like grapefruit?

No! They come from living, breathing human beings.

This is hans.

Come. Take a closer look, Mr. Webster.

So what do you think of him, Mr. Webster?

A good, strong jaw, solid cheekbones,

sparkling green eyes... Excellent genes.

I should know. I helped to breed them myself.

Don't forget my hair.

That's right. The very best of hair.

So I... Get his face?

And I will get your money.

Do I get his brain?

Ha ha ha! Did you hear that, hans?

Mr. Webster is afraid he will end up

with your brain as well.

Don't worry, Mr. Webster.

You get to keep your brain.

I only change the skull bone and flesh covering.

In a way, it's too bad

because hans has a very, very powerful brain.

Because hans has a very, very powerful brain.

So...

We finally come down to it.

How much do you really want to be young?

Don't be frightened, Mr. Webster.

Just take a peek in the mirror, huh?

What do you think?

It's not what I expected.

Now, don't worry.

It will take time for your face to heal

and for your features to take on their permanent shape.

Then you'll look just like hans.

I can't wait for Linda to see me.

I'm sure she'll be very pleased with you.

Just wait until your face is ready

before you go to her.

Where is hans?

He's around. I'm going to keep him here

just in case we need him again.

Why would we need him again?

You never know, do you?

I'm glad you're all right, sir.

I was worried about you.

What have they done to your face?

Surprise!

Oh, my god! What have you done?

I've done it, Linda...

Plastic surgery, just for you.

But why? Why on earth would you do such a thing?

To make you happy with me.

Now nothing can stop us.

But your face... It's so different and bizarre,

and your body's still old and decrepit.

And your body's still old and decrepit.

But I thought this... Was what you wanted.

But I couldn't possibly give myself to...

An old man.

I'm sorry, Carlton.

No. don't... Don't be sorry.

Just be patient, hmm?

Do you think you're doing the right thing, sir?

What do you mean, fulton?

Well, what assurances do you have

that shewill fall in love with you,

even after you make... These changes?

Because I love her, and love conquers all.

Love can also be blind, sir.

I just pray you're not the only one it conquers.

Hmph.

Of course I can give you a new torso, Mr. Webster.

It will be no problem whatsoever.

What about my face?

Oh, it will be perfect!

How much will it cost, this new torso?

$2 million.

What? That's insane.

To take a man's body, you must pay dearly.

You 2 are taking most of my money.

That's very sad, Mr. Webster.

Perhaps next time,

you will know better than to grow old.

You will know better than to grow old.

Now, let us begin to count to, uh,

let's say, 2 million.

Ha ha ha!

It's amazing.

It's an absolute miracle.

Oh, no, Mr. Webster. It's just an operation.

I can't wait for Linda to see me.

She won't refuse me now, doctor.

I'm sure she will be very happy,

but just in case,

you know where you can find me.

You know where you can find me.

I just can't get over your transformation, Carl.

Not bad, huh?

Not bad? You look wonderful.

Wonderful enough to take a swim?

Sure.

How about right now?

Ok. I've got your suit.

Here.

Here.

You ready?

Let's go!

What's wrong?

It's your legs.

They're so scrawny and old.

Look at the sagging skin and the veins.

For god's sakes, Linda, what more do you want?

Won't you ever be satisfied?

I know what I want, Carlton, and you just don't have it.

Come in.

I've closed the house down, sir.

I best be on my way.

I shall miss you, sir.

I shall miss you, too, fulton,

very much so,

but with my current financial situation,

I can neither afford the house...

Or you.

I understand.

I hope you find what you're looking for, sir.

By god, I will, fulton.

By god, I will.

By god, I will.

A new lower body, Mr. Webster?

That should be no problem, eh?

How much?

Oh, let's say, uh...

$ 1 million a limb.

That's another $2 million?

I'm afraid, Mr. Webster,

it's $3 million.

It's $3 million.

What do you mean?

Well, you're forgetting the most crucial limb of all,

the limb that if you truly wish to satisfy your lover

is the limb she would want replaced most of all.

Ha ha ha!

How can you be sure hans would do this?

He's starting to enjoy his new fortune.

It's made a remarkable change in him.

I'm sure he would agree to one final exchange.

$3 million is all the money I have left in this world.

Well, then maybe you should keep your money, Mr. Webster,

and forget about the girl.

The choice is up to you.

You are an Adonis now.

Everything about you, down to the most minute detail,

is perfect.

Absolutely perfect.

I can't believe it.

Wait till Linda sees this!

Linda.

You here about the apartment?

Where's Linda?

She moved.

Moved? That's impossible.

Where?

Some fancy place uptown.

Here's her address.

Uh-uh.

Pal, is this your car?

What do you want?

A ride, man.

You want a ride?

You can have a ride.

You can have a ride.

Whoa! Unh!

Anybody else want a ride?

Let's go, boys.

Who do you wish to see, sir?

I'm looking for Linda's apartment.

Sir, you have to be announced first.

Sir? Please.

Linda?

Linda!

Ahh... I've done it!

I did it.

I've become the man you wanted,

and look what I've brought you.

Marry me, Linda.

I can't.

Why not?

I'm already married.

What?

You're nice, Carlton,

but I needed a man of financial means

who could make me comfortable for the rest of my life.

Married?

A man with enough money

so I'd never have to worry about being poor,

a man who understood the importance of money.

But, Linda...

I found my new husband, Carlton.

His name is hans.

Hans?

Your cocktails, sir.

Thank you, fulton.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha!

Poor Carlton.

Looks like he blew it!

But no pain, no gain.

I like a body that's nice and strong.

It's your lucky day, fella.

We want to pump... You up.

Captioning made possible by Warner bros.

Captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc.