Original subtitles

All units on patrol respond...

to Sigma Tau fraternity house, 12 Summit Avenue.

Mass casualties occurring at this time.

Receiving multiple 911 calls.

116 responding.

No further information...

from callers, proceed with caution.

237 in route.

Advise if you need any other agencies...

dispatched for backup.

Agh! Shh.

Fuck, you think this shit's funny? This is my thesis, man!

What are you doing? It's a prank. It's me, Dougie.

Yeah? It's a prank? It's a prank about this!

No, no, no, no, no! What did you do?!

It was a joke, that's Dougie, man.

Oh my God, you killed him.

Oh fuck, I gotta hide the body.

I gotta hide the fuckin' body, Wiggles!

Tanner! Tanner!

Oh! Oh, shit! Oh, did you see his face?

That's gonna be cash money.

That's 3 million views out the gate, easily.

Oh, we're gonna get so paid for this.

And the luau gods have blessed us again.

You were prankin' me?

That was good. It went better than I thought it would go.

I thought it went the best it could've gone.

What's up? What's up, Victor?

We're now exiting the red light district, Wiggles.

Uh, you're not allowed in here 'til you're a senior.

Yes, sir.

Unless he's accompanied by one of us. This is obviously okay.

Bakowski!

Aw, did he puke again?

Aw, you puke, you get the balls.

Carlito, Beefcake.

Hey, uh, asswipe. Huh?

Turn the fuck around! Thank you!

Jesus! That could've been you.

What's up, man? Yo, what's up, amigos?

Timmy!

Woo-hoo-hoo!

Let's fuckin' luau!

Aw, Doug, that's animal cruelty, bro.

Dude, they eat the green shit, alright?

It's full of vitamins.

Oh hey, it's Jason.

Is he sleeping? He's sleeping.

What better way to start the day?

Woo-hoo! Are you kidding me?

Are you fucking kidding me? What did you do?

Wake and bake, yo. Rise and shine!

It's the fuckin' luau party!

It's working!

Aw shit, J, you alright, bro?

Jason, are you okay, man?

I feel good.

I feel really good.

What the fuck is Wiggles doing in my room?

Can't believe you got the pledges doing this.

Please don't ruin a gift that I'm making for you, thank you.

Whoa. Why so many cameras?

This is our last fuckin' luau. Mm-hm.

It deserves to be... no, it demands to be remembered.

You will all thank me for making this fuckin' luau movie...

because this is gonna be the best night of our lives.

All right fine, but you gotta promise me that no one's...

gonna see this except for us, 'cause it'll ruin my life.

I mean, all of ours, seriously.

I know, I know, you're gonna be a big-time doctor, I get it.

Trust, I know what I'm doing.

Trust, he knows what he's doing. Thank you.

Trying to immortalize you, man.

Let's do that in the kitchen, I'm starving.

Oh this is some exciting stuff, huh?

Dude, it's act one. We're meeting all the characters.

Okay well, get to know this character.

Oh God, he's just diggin' her out.

Yo, yo, yo!

Ay!

What the fuck is this?

I thought this was just for the party, man.

Yeah, the party started, my brotha.

Alright, well keep me the fuck out of it...

'cause I wanna keep my legacy intact.

Yeah, the legacy of Liza.

Well, yeah, the legacy that you guys can tell your mommies...

and your daddies about when you move back home after college...

and I am working at the richest hedge fund in New York City.

Wait, were you just with Liza's dad?

Oh yeah. We were cruisin' at 10,000 feet, man.

Pretty sick.

You took the copter?

Yeah, well I... I took it there.

I had to hoof it back, but it was so fuckin' worth it.

Bro, don't forget your promise, alright?

When you start meltin' gold, you're buying me a jet ski.

Are you kiddin' me?

When I start meltin' gold, you get a jet ski.

Ay!

You get a jet ski! You get a jet ski!

You get a jet ski!

Everyone gets a jet ski!

We all get jet skis!

But I... I'm serious...

Liza is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.

Oh.

I love her so much.

Yup.

I actually need this for beer so....

We need to do a beer run.

Ah, here you go, brother.

I'm gonna miss this and I you guys are my brothers, you know.

You're my boys.

Dude this is like the last luau. That's kinda sad.

Yeah, it went by really, really fast.

Well, then, let's make sure we fuck shit up...

and don't remember anything in the morning.

One, two, three, the party luau!

I'm sure that like lots of people haven't heard...

anything yet, you know, it could take months and months...

especially with like different schools.

I don't know, man...

I think they all do this around the same time...

I mean first they send out the acceptance letters, that's now..

and then the rejection ones.

But you haven't gotten either yet, so you're tight.

No, but I saw this threat and people were saying...

that they already got their letters and shit.

Whoa, dude! Just hold on a second, don't come out.

What the fuck, man?

Have you been shitting this whole time?

Dude, I'm not shitting.

I'm pooping, alright? There's a big difference.

It went right in the water. There's no smell.

I probably don't even have to wipe.

We're like real brothers. Half brothers.

Still, real brothers.

Hey, honey, just got your text. I'm so sorry.

You weren't waiting long, were you?

Sort of... ugh, what is this?

Remember, it's Dougie's little art project.

Oh, whatever. How did it go with my dad?

Good, yeah. I got to the airport safely. It was a lot of fun.

And did he say anything?

Um yeah, sorta not really. I had to ride with the luggage...

and like he was on his phone the whole time.

He's like such an important guy that it was... it was cool.

It was very, very fun.

He said to stay in touch.

Oh baby, that's perfect!

Hello, hello, my KLP beauties.

How are we on this fine luau morning?

Uh, sober as fuck, where's the booze?

Maggie, I like the way you think.

You should follow me.

In fact, why don't all of you follow me?

No... hold on.

I brought my pledges to help set up the fucking luau.

I mean, they'll clean toilets, do dishes, laundry.

Get these bitches dirty!

No, we don't need them to clean the toilets....

No, Grant, seriously, these girls suck.

You shits think you're fucking good enough...

for Kappa Lambda Phi, but you're literally the most boring...

awkward group of sluts I've ever seen.

I want this place sparkling now! Okay.

Okay, we got a lot to do so Tanner's gonna show you around.

He'll take care of you.

Yeah, alright, follow me, ladies.

All right, boys.

Let's get some fuckin' pyramids on this table.

You guys study Mesopotamia in high school?

Let's see yours now.

Excuse me.

Hm...

I got one. Hm.

Pledge, you are now to be called Lube.

Did we...?

Lube is my name, it will not be of shame.

You are not to leave this beach till your detail gets clean.

Oh, hi. Hi.

Um. Yeah, you go down.

Thank you.

Nascar, left!

How many times do we have to tell you?

Come on, dude, left, left.

Oh, how does that asparagus and goat cheese omelet taste?

You're gonna be carrying this up and down...

the stairs all night, boys.

This part should still be easy.

They're not looking good. Not looking good at all.

Left!

Jesus fucking Christ, Nascar. You can only turn left.

What don't you understand?!

Stop!

Nascar, you only got three more weeks...

until you see that checkered flag.

You turn right, you crash, and you're out.

Fuck!

What the fuck don't you understand...

about not dropping my beer?!

Oh! Oh! My baby! What's going down here?

Ah, the booze juice is good!

Ah, fuck, the banister.

Does it smell like jizz down here?

What is wrong with you, Dougie? What?

Wait a minute, you guys! There's something behind here.

Wiggles, bring that light over. Come here.

What? Dude, Jason, what are you doing?

I'm feelin' around.

Dude, hey, I wouldn't put my hand in there, man.

There could be something that bites.

That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard.

- Ssh! - Man, guys, let's go.

Ohhh! Shit!

Dude! Fuck you!

Oh my God! Fuck you.

That was good. Fucking asshole.

That was a good one. Now what?

Let's see what's going on back here.

Why? No, let's not, just don't make it worse.

Well, Jesus!

All right... there goes the whole wall.

Whoa! What? This is fucked up.

What the fuck?

What the hell? That's normal.

What are you doing with that?

I'm goin' in.

That's a terrible idea. Why would you ever do that?

Wiggles, let me see that.

Whoa.

Okay. Okay.

My God.

Wow.

Jase, what's up?

Yo, it's crazy. Come in here, you gotta see this.

Come on! Go.

Whoa, look at all these lights.

What the fuck?

Think there's a switch somewhere?

Check it. What kind of bulbs are these?

What do you think went on down here?

I'll tell you what, our alumni were masters...

of the fuckin' haze, bro.

I mean honestly, there's some stuff...

in the old books that puts us to shame.

Gotta start getting harder on these kids.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, watch out. Fuck, man, shit.

My beer has found the cup it wants to be drunk from.

This is a sign, boys.

Our ancestors, they have spoken.

Tonight is going to be epic.

Whoa! What the shit?

What... what was that?

I don't know.

Shit, hold on, Liza's texting me, I gotta go.

Whoa, okay.

Hey! Pledge! Yes?

No one comes down here tonight. Yes, sir.

Yeah, I feel like we might get electrocuted.

Let's get out of here.

Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah!

Damn, even the cleaning lady hot.

Dude! Why are you peepin' on Daphne?

I'm sorry, sir...

I was just doing what I was told to do.

Is it weird that our cleaning lady is here the day...

of the party and not tomorrow when this place is a shithole.

Mm-hm.

Daphne! What's up?

What are you doin' here? Oh... getting paid.

You know tonight's like the fuckin' luau.

Ugh, yeah.

I see you guys gettin' ready for it. It's the big one!

It's legendary.

I know.

God, I've watched you guys tear this house apart for years.

And can you believe she's still standing?

I know you're here today cleaning but....

Actually, I'm really not.

Your pledges and the Kappas are doing it for me.

Okay, cool but... Yeah.

Tomorrow, I mean can you please, please come...

because this place is gonna be... Hells no.

A shit hole.

Day after the fucking luau?

Yeah, no.

I'll see ya in a month.

Oinky, oinky, J, don't get your face on our dinner.

Yo, dude, it's just Claire.

Man, go fuckin' talk to her.

I got a bunch of classes with her, she's really cool.

I don't wanna talk to her.

I mean, I don't have anything to say.

You're being such a pussy right now.

Claire! Hey! Hi.

I'm gonna come say hi in a second.

You see how easy that is?

Man, that was a dick move.

Aw, J!

Aw this fucking guy is drowning in Claire jerkoff land.

Wait, what are you talking about?

Dougie, for the last four years this guy has been lighting...

a candle, putting a smooth lube on it, and jerking off...

to some idea he's made up for this girl, right?

I'm sure he's smashed her every single way.

Raw dog anal, we hope, but the problem is all those...

sexual fantasies that he had, they're all mixed up, right?

They're like this burrito, mushed together.

It'll always be an amazing Claire jerk burrito...

when they're all together, but if you take that burrito apart..

you take that shit apart and you just eat the corn...

it's just fucking corn, Dougie, Claire is fucking corn.

She is boring.

Wait, so you're... so you're saying that real, live Claire...

will never live up to the fantasy Claire...

he's created in his head.

Exactly! Wow!

Yeah, they're doomed before they even start.

Dude, that's a really deep way of putting it.

That is six years of college, my man.

Who's wasting money now?

Not you, Dad.

Just calm down. No!

No, I am not dealing with this erectile dysfunction shit.

No! I told you I don't have a problem down there.

Oh really? We all know what happens to you when you drink.

Ssh!

You know it's... I sometimes have a problem.

We haven't had sex in a month, Grant!

And I want it tonight!

Okay, okay.

So no drinking until I'm serviced down there.

It's the fucking luau, baby.

Oh no, are you saying that this party is more important than me?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not.

I'm not saying that at all. Okay, good, good.

Now we know you won't fuck up what we have.

Ugh, be a man and take care of your girlfriend properly.

I mean maybe you should have some of my dad's Viagra.

Oh, God.

And... in, okay, hand me another one.

So, my first fuckin' luau, my job was bathroom attendant...

and they had this like Hawaiian buffet.

Everybody got food poisoning and I had to keep the toilets...

flushed and clean with this like...

Claire, hi. Hi.

Uh... Uh, where should I put these?

Um... what are they?

Glow sticks.

Oh, shit!

Don't move, don't move, don't move. Are you okay?

There's glass everywhere. No, I'm okay. Yeah no, I'm okay.

Okay, let me... I'll I'll... I will just uh....

Ah, okay, ooh. I can, yeah, I got you.

Okay. I can help you out.

Oh, thank you. Uh...

Oh, perfect, right next to my shoes.

Yeah, I guess I could've grabbed those...

and just given them to you.

Oh no, thank you.

Okay, bye. Yeah, bye.

Bye.

Future Dougie, this is uh, young Dougie from college.

I'd like to apologize for what I'm about to do...

to your body tonight.

Hopefully there's not too many long-lasting medical...

repercussions, but if there are, just know it was so worth it.

Hm... hm.

A hidden room, lots of lights, and Tanner's cup... hm.

Does this does this look like a letter here?

Um... looks like an H maybe?

An H?

O.

An S... maybe there's a P.

That's maybe... maybe an E.

S!

Hopes!

I-I think it's hospice.

Hospice! That sounds Chinese. What does that mean?

No idea, sir, I think it's Latin.

Computer, what does hospice mean? Probably Chinese.

Okay, hospice derives from the Latin hospes meaning guest.

Maybe this place was a hotel.

Ha-ha, very funny, guys, turn the lights back on!

Shit.

Oh hell, shit.

Hello?

Hello? Man, what's...

Get your ass.

What the fuck is...?

Oh, shit!

Wiggles!

Unless you wanna see what a high-fiber diet looks like...

I suggest you get the fuck out of my bathroom.

Yes, sir... shit.

Okay, so are you gonna stay out and party with us tonight...

or are you gonna ditch out like you always do?

Yeah, I'll hang out for a little bit...

but I've got that 5k cancer walk thing tomorrow morning.

Ugh, Jesus Christ, how convenient.

What? I'm representing our entire sorority.

You know, we do more than just party.

Sup, ladies? How we doin'?

Oh, good, how are you?

I'm just fuckin' killin' it, you know.

I'm just finishing putting the roofies in.

Ooh. Yeah.

Oh, goddamn, I am so aroused right now!

Let me try this.

You know, I gotta say it's a little fuckin' tame for me.

Oh. Mm-hm.

Claire, you wanna give it a try?

Oh, no, no, no, I'm good, thank you.

Oh, shocker, she's such a fuckin' lightweight, right, T?

Totally. You know who else is a lightweight? Jason.

But Jason... Oh my God.

Claire, Jason... Jason, he's a babyweight, you know?

Oh my god, Mags, think about that.

Claire, Jason, am I right?!

Oh, my god, no.

Alright, well I think this was a really good and productive talk.

Thank you for your example.

You're welcome.

I'll just I'm here for you.

He is so quiche.

Oh God, I do not understand what you see in him.

Yeah, you wouldn't because you don't like masculine men.

What?! That's not true.

Claire, you like guys who rollerblade...

and play fucking Frisbee games.

I do not!

Oh, really? Well, then what about Jason?

Are you trying to get it in tonight?

Ew, no, Maggie, there's no... there's nothing...

between me and Jason or anybody at all.

Come on! It is obvious that he has a huge boner for you.

No.

And I can tell that you have one for him, too.

No. Let me see.

Oh my God, Claire! I'm pressing charges.

That thing is huge! No. Stop! Stop!

Pssst.

Um, hi, can I help you?

Did you just take my picture?

Just wanted to show my mom what my new girlfriend looks like.

So what time do you have to be back in heaven?

Hell, fucking no!

What the fuck are you doing here?

Why you C blocking me, bro? No, no, no, no.

You're supposed to be here next weekend.

You need to get the fuck out.

Okay, I just rode eight hours in a bus...

that smelled like sliced onions, I'm not going home.

You told me this weekend, so hand me another beer, grandpa.

Let's go, adios, amigo! Let's go, come on.

- Hold this, sweetheart. - Kick his ass, Tanner.

Go.

All right.

Oh!

How do you like that, huh?

Okay, okay. Dude, it fuckin' hurts!

Say uncle. Say uncle. Fuck you.

Say uncle. Uncle!

That's embarrassing.

Oh my God, who are you? Those are some incredible moves.

Name's Drew.

Is it hot out here or are your boobs just huge?

Yeah, that's my asshole little brother.

He's gay actually, though, sorry about that.

He's so cute. I love the freckles.

Fuck.

Guys, can you help me?

Yeah, coming.

What happened?

Yeah, I'm not really sure.

Has anyone gone in there?

Yes, ma'am, they did.

I'm gonna go get some more ice.

All right.

Daphne? Uh, Daphne?

Hey! Don't touch me.

Excuse you.

Daphne!

What the fuck is she doing? I don't know.

I mean, do you think she's okay?

I-I've gotta... I've gotta take this.

Okay.

Hello, hi, yeah, this is him.

Okay. Yup.

Yeah, I understand, yeah.

All right.

Yeah.

So, honey, I left an outfit out for you to wear tonight...

and I will be really angry if you don't wear it.

That sounds great, baby, I can't wait.

Okay, remember, no alcohol, I am serious.

Yeah, just Peligrino, lots of ice cubes.

Oh, I just love you so much. You're just so handsome.

Oh, and that cute little ass!

See ya.

Six for six.

Miracles happen every day and they can even happen for you, T.

Alright, you got this, man.

Tonight.

Thank you!

I need the support, man. I appreciate the support!

Sup, ladies?

Silver medal in the long jump.

I'm gonna get mad kitty cat with this tonight!

Yeah, take that shit off.

You are not leaving this floor.

Dude. Come on, no, no, no, no.

Dude, can he stay in your room tonight?

I look, everybody knows that you and this guy...

are going to bed with some dry dicks.

Uh, no, it's not happening.

What's the six for six?

So, Tanner's had a menage at the last five luaus.

Like a threesome? You're kidding.

No, it's a fact. He put it on Wikipedia.

Oh no. Dude, come on! Oh my God!

You look like a douchebag.

Thank you, thank you.

Oh! That's enough!

My...! Oh!

This is school spirit, alright?

This is... this is what fuckin' pride and devotion looks like.

No, no, no, this is great.

This is why you are the president of our fraternity.

Because of that.

Yeah.

Fuck, you guys, I'm taking it off!

Yo, all of these fish are dead.

Yeah, yeah, I know, alright? Just don't tell Tanner.

I'm gonna get some new ones.

Okay, we gotta get downstairs, man.

You gotta get dressed, you gotta chill with the games.

Yo! Dougie, come on, come on!

Dude, have you ever looked up the history of this house?

Uh, no, why?

Dude, people have been killed here, like a lot.

What? Really?

Yeah, dude, back in the 60's, before fraternity bought...

the house, this guy named William Sarken...

had a dinner party and like killed everyone.

Get the fuck out of here. Are you serious?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, even himself, it was like...

13 people and his wife.

Dude, like right here, in our house.

Damn, does it say like what room it was in or...?

I don't know!

Who cares, dude?

I can't believe this happened and we never knew this.

Okay, well this shit is a fuckin' buzzkill, okay?

I don't wanna be freaked out all night.

Can we talk about this tomorrow?

Yeah, okay, you're right. Alright, it's a fuckin luau.

Uh, hey, do you uh did you hear any news yet?

No, uh not yet.

Well hang in there man, alright? If anyone deserves it, it's you.

Okay, security cam on.

Uh, throw a towel over it if you bring any honeys up, or don't.

Okay, towel over camera.

Okay, let's do this. I love you, man.

Dude, love you, bro.

Alright, alright, alright, listen up.

We are about to kick off the greatest party of the year.

Mm-hm. Oh yeah.

Now I can't think of a better group of guys to do that with...

than the guys standing in this room right now.

That's right!

But listen, this is the party that every single student...

on campus wants to be at.

Yup. Yes!

Now, that's a privilege, but it's also a responsibility.

Each and every one of you motherfuckin' pledges...

is gonna have a task tonight.

Some of you are gonna tend bar...

some of you are gonna make sure that our beaches are safe, okay?

I'm sure that some of you think that this is gonna suck...

'cause you're gonna be working all night.

No way. You're wrong.

Alright? We've all had shitty jobs, we were pledges once.

But so long as you do what you're told, we are maybe...

gonna consider letting you be one step closer...

to being brothers of Sigma Tau.

Shit, man!

It's not coming from me. What is that?

What's that, you, uh, need my help?

Jesus! What the fuck, dude?! You are not to come down here!

You're sixteen! You keep your ass upstairs!

Look, if anyone sees that motherfucker coming down here...

you have my permission, you put his ass upstairs, okay?

It might take a couple of you to do it...

because he's retard-strong, but you keep him up there.

Man, I am really disappointed in the loser you have become.

To think you used to be my best friend.

Jesus Christ.

Ow! You look fucking amazing.

Do you wanna go upstairs right now, huh?

No, why? What do you mean?

Let's... let's go, you know, let's go.

Grant, I literally just got here.

It's gonna take two seconds. Come on, let's go.

Oh okay, well that's not romantic at all.

Baby, what do you mean? I just wanna make you feel good.

Come on.

Please! You have to get me in the mood!

I'm totally turned off right now.

Wh-wh-why aren't you in the mood?

Because you're disgusting as fuck.

Go Wiggles! Go Wiggles! Go Wiggles! Go Wiggles!

Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. All dead.

Sup, amigo?!

Crawling in that secret passageway shit is awesome!

Whoa! What are you doing, dude?

Get back in there before Tanner sees you.

Oh no, man. I didn't come all this way to just sit on my ass.

I'm ready to partay.

Dude, do you wanna be the person that gets us shut down?

Huh?

What the fuck are you doing?! Dude, stop!

I'm beesin', bro. It tingles.

It's tight. Oh!

Oh!

Okay. Shit. Alright, okay, okay, alright. Look, come with me.

I have an idea. Come on.

Nobody will see you.

Do what you want, but look, don't take the head off.

Alright. Promise me.

I promise. Okay.

Bro. Alright.

You're the brother I wish I had.

I will never forget you for looking out for me like this.

Never ever. Yeah, man, for sure.

Alright, that's good.

Long enough.

I'm gonna get so much pussy tonight.

All right, yeah, good talk. All right, get on out there.

Good luck blow.

Oh! Oh!

Aw. That was very good.

Oh hey, I wanna thank you for telling me...

about Professor Collins, that guy's the shit.

I love that art class.

I knew you would love him. He's so inspiring.

Mags! You're always lookin' out for me! Thank you.

Of course! Why wouldn't I?

You ready to be inspired again?

Yes, I...

Okay, let's do this.

Oh!

Oh!

Hey, are those girls pledging KLP?

Who? Right there.

Oh, them? Yeah.

What's wrong? They're just fucking losers.

What the fuck, dude? Dougie, what are you doing?

Uh, nothing.

What? Huh? Who's in there?

It's uh sorry friendo, it's me, Santiago.

Dougie's friend, you know.

I don't know y....

All right, fine, fuck off.

Uh, you got this.

Are you seriously ditching me right now?

There's important matters at hand right now, Mags.

Well, good luck!

They're attached at the fucking hip.

Really? Thank you.

Damn.

You wanna be my girlfrien...?

What?

See what I did there?

I left the D off 'cause you're gonna be getting that later.

Fuck off.

Agh, I'll take that as a maybe.

Sup, mama?

Nice ass.

Shame you have to sit on it.

Maybe it went to his junk mail.

Well, he said he'll find a place for you at the fund...

so you shouldn't worry.

I really want this to work, okay?

Going out into the real world and leaving college...

it's... it's scary, baby.

Can you just stop stressing out?

As long as we're good, everything with my daddy's fine.

I love you so much.

Wanna go to my room?

Who invited those fucking KZB bitches?

Did you just fucking wave at her?!

Baby, I'm being hospitable.

Her vagina's hospitable.

I can't believe you used to fuck that bitch.

That was before I met you!

Oh yeah, right, hardly. What a disgusting whore, I can't.

What? Wait. Hey. Wait.

Wait, what do you mean all the ice is melted?

It's just water now.

I was just gone for a second, I swear.

Okay, look, go find Grant, tell him we need emergency ice.

Okay. Alright?

Go. Go, go, go, go, go. Fast. Faster.

Who's there?

Who's back there?

The basement's off limits.

Is there someone with me right now?

Did you come from the hidden room?

Whippits, bro.

Fucking dickhead! Fuck!

I love 'em.

One Mississippi, two Mississippi...

three Mississippi, four Mississippi, five Mississippi.

Do you need a drink?

Oh, no, no, it's okay, I can get it.

No, no, no. I can grab it for you.

Oh, uh yeah, yeah, just a water though.

Vodka? Water.

Water. Water, water.

Water, okay.

I have to wake up early for this thing tomorrow and...

so I uh... why I can't really... not that it matters.

Okay, water, it's water.

Here you go. Thanks.

Uh so what... what are... what are you gonna do after graduation?

Oh, uh, a family friend of mine is a politician...

so I might go work for them for a little while.

Wait, a what? A politician.

A politician, okay.

So I might do something with them...

but um, I don't really know.

I'm still figuring it all out, but um what about you?

Do you know what you're gonna...

Um, well, I-I actually got into medical school.

Holy shit! Wow! Congratulations! That's amazing.

Thank you. Thank you.

Wow.

Yeah, the Dean, he called me earlier...

and you're the first person I told.

Oh that's that's really amazing.

I didn't even know you wanted to be a doctor.

I'm thinking probably pediatrics.

You know, I love kids.

Not like in a weird way, I just like to play with them.

No like I like to... Claire!

Oh my God! Get down here and dance with us! Oh, yeah.

Okay, okay, wait. Um, uh, I'm so happy for you.

Okay, yeah, see ya.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Congratulations, Jason.

Thank you, Wiggles.

Bedrooms are safe, sir.

Good work, Nascar.

Left turns only.

Yo, get out of this goddamn dungeon.

Hey. I've been texting you.

Come on, the party's fucking great downstairs, okay?

Hey, can I show you something? No, where's the prank video?

No, no, no, you don't need to know about the prank video.

You need to see this. Check this out.

Aw man. Okay, watch this.

Oh shit, Tanner's little brother.

That! Right there! You see that behind him?

See what? Okay, watch again.

Right here, alright? Right here in this corner, watch.

I didn't see anything.

Dude! Right here! Look, look.

You see that dark spot right there?

The shadow?

Dude! That is not a shadow, man!

Okay, I need the prank video, though.

This is great, but I need...

You're acting fuckin' crazy right now.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Who the fuck cares about a prank video?

You need to come to your senses.

Dude, you love all of this UFO conspiracy shit.

Yeah, alright. Yeah, I do.

But I have facts about this Sarken guy.

Now the library has all the newspapers...

hidden from the 60's. Okay, right.

Okay, look at this pic. There's Sarken, right there.

Check this, look what he's holding.

Okay... Boom! Tanner's cup! Right there!

Okay, so he lived here and Tanner found his cup. So what?

No, this guy was fucked up, man!

I mean thank God he beat his kid and she wasn't here...

when he killed those 13 people.

Okay, I'm actually impressed with all of this research...

man, but what does it have to do with the shadow?

What was the only class I ever got an A in?

Religious studies.

Bingo!

Okay, so you're saying the house is haunted?

Dougie, man, come on. I'm not saying that exactly...

No, yo, don't start! Come on! You're being fucking crazy.

Am I? I don't know. Maybe I'm... maybe I'm crazy.

Why was the cup sitting all by itself...

in a room surrounded by lights?

That's actually a good question. Ask me tomorrow.

Ask me tomorr... Jason!

Yo. What's up, Dougie?

It's time to light it up. Let's fuckin' do it!

5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

Ah, you know what? You do the honors.

Okay.

But first things first, ladies and gentlemen...

my boy Jason just got into medical school.

Plug her in.

Mommy, Daddy, and I just wanted to say that I love you guys...

and I love the chase you beer with, a lot.

And I think I wanna get fucked up every night of the week.

I think I'm gonna try coke now.

Oh shit. Aw.

Oh shit.

Poor bunny.

Ow! God! Dammit!

Jesus, it's dark.

All right, okay, let's just get out of here, let's go.

Okay, fuse box.

Okay.

It's normal, it's an old house, they have rooms like that.

They stored coal for heating and...

Yeah, yeah, that's really normal.

Yeah, just chill and let me see that light.

I think the fuse box is somewhere... somewhere over here.

Fuck!

Okay. All right, okay, jumpy, a little jumpy.

Okay, okay. Holy shit.

Hey, you remember these? Oh my God, yes.

So okay, when we were pledges...

they made us sleep down here for like a week.

It was a week, right? Yeah.

Man, we got soft. We need to step it up.

Okay, alright.

Yo, it's back here.

Of course. Get the fuck out!

Shit, Wiggles, uh, look for night vision in the menu.

Hurry up, come on, hurry up.

I found it, and I can see.

Okay, hand me the camera.

Agh!

- What? What happened?! - Shit, shit.

What the fuck is going on?

Wiggles, where are you? Dude, say something.

Shit.

I'm sorry. I saw something.

Where? Right behind you.

Wait, what did you see?

What did it look like?

I don't know. It was fuckin' freaky.

You see! I told you! There's something down here.

Let's see what you saw.

Come on!

Okay, rewind. Rewind. And...

And...

Nothing.

What the fuck, Wiggles, there's nothing there.

I'm sorry, guys!

See, Dougie, you're freaking everybody out, okay?

No more weed, you're paranoid.

Let's go upstairs, we'll do a shot. This is the fuckin' luau.

I mean, this is stupid, we should be having fun.

Okay. Okay?

Yeah, all right, okay.

Man.

Wait.

What is that?

Just...

Holy... okay.

Let's go in. No! No way, dude.

I'm actually scared, dude.

I'm like really scared, like I could shit myself.

No! You need to see that this is nothing.

God, I hate when you do this shit.

You're not ruining my night, okay? We're goin' in.

Fuck... okay.

Oh, fuck.

Whoa.

Yeah, no more weed for me.

Just your normal coal cellar.

This is weird.

This is really weird.

Maybe they're sleep depriving the pledges?

Or maybe they were trying to build a room with no shadows...

I'm just saying.

Wait, look.

All right, turn it on. Turn it back on. Turn it back on.

Agh!

Okay, okay.

I'm glad you think this is funny.

No, this is all suspect, but I'm sure Grant can find out...

what this was and put your theory to rest...

but I'm telling you, it's nothing.

Okay, we'll just... wait, okay, wait, wait.

Ouch.

I call that one the rubber lover.

It's so amazing.

Yeah, you're a great artist.

Yeah, it's... it's crazy.

It's... it's actually clay and feathers.

Wow. Yeah.

Hey, you guys wanna do another line?

Yes, please, yes, yes, yes.

Oh, well, excellent.

Here, I'll give this to you.

I know that...

you didn't come up here just to talk art and do coke.

We came up here to look at your sculpture.

Uh...

I think you came up here for a little more than that.

What do you mean?

Lesbi-honest... with each other.

I like you, I do.

I fuck... I like you.

And... I like you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, settle down, ladies, come on.

Settle down, all right?

There's enough T for the both of you.

Now, let me see you kiss and make out.

See, now we're all friends.

Look, I'm just gonna do another little bump...

and then we'll really get this party started.

Yeah?

What the fuck?

Ladies, I know I'm ripped, but let's just play gentle, okay?

Whatever, come on.

Oh shit.

Ah fuck, ah fuck, come here.

Oh my God.

Oh yeah.

Whoa! Fuck!

What did you do to him? Did you use your teeth?

No! Of course not! I know what I'm doing!

What the fuck?

Do you fuckin... you fuck... you it was... it was looking at me.

It was right here. Okay, um...

There was a... it was um... it was right here.

It was fucking looking at me.

This just got really weird.

Yeah, right, it got fucking weird! What was that?

Hey, do you wanna go back to the party?

Yes, and thank you for the laced coke...

I cannot wait to start hallucinating.

No, I thought I saw the uh, fuck, hold on, don't go, no.

Yeah, I don't think so.

Let's do another line, I got a big dick, my dick's huge.

I'm sure you do.

Let's play with it, fuck, what the fuck!

It was a joke. That's Dougie, man.

Let's hide the fuckin' body, Wiggles!

That was pretty quick.

Yeah. Six for six? This guy's fuckin' wild.

Let's say tonight's not over.

Are you kidding? Liza said those girls are sluts.

Yeah, they're fucking nuts, Grant.

Okay. Take this shit.

No, no, I don't.... Oh, I'll... yeah, I'll take it.

I gotta get fucked up.

Weird.

Hi, can I get a sangria, please?

Whatcha' want? A sangria.

You got it.

Thank you.

Okay, okay, okay.

Horrificum.

Horrificum Hospes....

Horrificum Hospes.

You need to hurry up and get over there.

Hm?

You two are so annoying!

Stop being such a puss.

Go over there and change that girl's life.

Unless you like dudes. You like dudes?

No.

If you like dudes, that's fine, I get it, I love dudes.

I've been eyeing these dudes all night.

What do you think of that guy? He's hot, right?

Looks like he really knows how to kiss a girl.

Okay.

Fuck it. Thank you, man.

Hm. Okay, all right, here we go.

Ah, this is old school.

Is there a date? Uh... June 1974.

Okay, it's an interview with Sarken's daughter, Miranda.

Okay, so Miranda Sarken says that her home life...

deteriorated when her father came back...

from a research trip in Europe.

He feared the dark, he would never sleep.

That would explain the crazy light room in the basement!

Fucking A, okay, all right, all right.

Like a panic room.

So as a child, her mother drowned in a swimming pool...

accident, was pronounced dead, and then...

en route to the hospital miraculously woke up.

She came back to life.

Shit, man, this family, see how I've been following the clues?

- I'm good, right? - Yeah. Yes, sir.

I should be an FBI agent, not a fucking teacher.

Okay, child services removed her from the home after finding...

severe scratches and bruises across her torso at school.

Miranda says her father never hurt her...

and her parents were good people.

Before she was placed with her aunt, her mother said...

her father was influenced by a demon and that he invited...

the horrifying guest into their home.

She didn't believe her father took all those poor souls.

Dude.

Horrificum Hospes. Come on! What?!

Holy shit! Okay, okay. What do we do?

About what?

What? There's a fucking demon in the house, man!

What the fuck?! Oh fuck.

Dougie, man, you've been smoking all night.

No.

I thought I saw something but I don't know if it was anything.

No, no, no, no, no, we gotta go, we gotta...

Fuck, we gotta go, man. We gotta go, we gotta go.

Shit.

Hey! Hey! Where's Jason? Have you seen him?

No, sir, I haven't.

Okay look, go find Jason...

tell him I'm looking for him, alright?

We gotta get out of here, all of us.

Oh, I need another one.

Oh my God.

Ugh baby, if you wanna hump my leg at least do it...

on the dance floor where it's less embarrassing.

Okay, why don't we go upstairs to my room...

where it's a little less embarrassing?

Wait, let me smell your breath. Come here.

Why?

Come here! No.

You asshole! Liza, it was just one shot.

It's fine, let's go to my room.

I'm trying to give us a special night.

Just leave me the fuck alone. Baby, hey...

I said get the fuck away from me, Grant!

Okay, you know what? You are fucking insane.

I'm done with this, this is the fucking luau, alright?!

It's the best party of the year and if I wanna drink...

oh, baby, I'm gonna drink.

So get over it, bitch.

Excuse me? Did you just fucking call me a bitch?!

Yes, he did.

Fuck you, Grant, get out of my fucking way!

Let's see... okay.

Oh, Jesus! Nascar!

Sir.

Yo, you are not doing your job. Sir?

Get these people out of here.

Oh my God, I'm so sorry, sir. Guys, get the fuck out!

What the fuck is this?! Get out! Get out!

What the fuck?! Get your...

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What are we drinking to?

To old friends.

Yeah, you used to fuck each other. Ha!

Thar she blows.

Is your girlfriend gonna be mad if she sees me talking to you?

Liza? No. Fuck that bitch and her dad, I don't need 'em.

It's the fucking luau!

Have you seen him? Have you seen Jason?

Maggie! Maggie! Maggie! Maggie!

Uh, I'm looking for Jason, have you seen him?

Dougie, listen to me right now. You leave him the fuck alone.

He is with my girl and she has had a rough life.

And if you beaver dam that shit because of this shit...

because I can tell that you are fucked up right now,

I will come after you and I will break your fucking legs...

and I don't give a fuck about getting kicked out of school.

Don't fucking mess with my girl!

So, no, I haven't seen him. Cheers.

Jason? Jason, you in there?

Claire, I'm sorry for the taco blocko...

but I need to talk to Jason.

Jason! Jason! Open up. Should I bust in?

Honestly, this is not a good idea.

Let's just leave them alone.

No way, man! This is a matter of life or death.

We gotta get in.

You know what? I gotta run downstairs.

- Are you bailing on me? - Hell yes...

this is too damn much.

Fucking piece of shit. Okay, give me the camera.

Jason, bro, I'm sorry.

Okay, I literally haven't been on a slide like this.

Okay, okay, I haven't either...

Okay, here, let me go first.

Yeah, it's like kinda... is it safe?

Jason! Hey. Um, where are you, man?

Listen dude, we fucked up, alright?

Dude, I'm not being paranoid.

I am totally sober, but I think this cup we found, dude...

I don't think it's a cup, man. I think it's a fucking cage.

It held something inside that's out now and these things dude...

they usually need something to survive.

Dude, I don't know what to do, man, I'm bugging out.

Call me back. This is not a joke.

Who's there?

You trying to prank me?

Fuck, dude! Drew! You fucking dickhead, man! You scared me!

You're very funny, take it off.

Do something useful! Help me find your brother!

What the fuck?!

Open the door! Help! Somebody, can you let me out?!

Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Help!

Help! Hey! Somebody! Shit! Ah!

Agh!

Sucks, it's the worst.

Damn, who's the slut now, Liza?

This is fucking gold.

Ha-ha, are you okay?

Sorry, I never really smoke this.

So what is this thing that you have to do tomorrow morning?

Oh my God, I totally forgot about that.

Uh, it's a cancer walk thing.

Shit.

A lot of people donated too.

Oh man. I'm... I mean, do you need to go?

I should, right?

No, I uh... I wanna stay.

I mean, it's just... it's just an easy 5k, right?

We should've done more charity stuff, for real.

Like we're so lame like that, it's crazy.

Oh no, we are pretty lame, too, trust me.

This thing that I'm doing tomorrow...

I'm doing it for my mom's, uh... my mom's memorial fund.

Wow, I'm sorry, I didn't... I didn't know.

No, I mean it's fine, I was eleven, it was a long time ago.

Um, she was actually in complete remission and uh...

she was starting to feel like herself again...

and she had her energy back and she was eating again...

and then um, this one afternoon she wanted to surprise me...

and uh, she picked me up from my field hockey practice.

She wanted to take me to dinner.

And um, you know, everything was... was fine.

We were we were laughing and then out of nowhere...

she fainted at the wheel and um, we skidded off the road...

and um, I woke up seven days later...

with the doctor's telling me that I was miracle.

They didn't think that I was gonna make it back.

Man, I-I'm really sorry, Claire. No, I'm sorry.

I uh... I always end up doing this.

I've been trying really hard not to be a buzz kill...

all night and this always happens so...

No, no, you're not being a buzzkill.

Thank you for sharing that with me.

It's... it's horrible, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, it was pretty fucked up.

But I've been letting it dictate my life for too long so...

Look at that fucking asshole!

Dougie don't even fuck it up!

Oh my god, I think they're gonna fucking kiss.

No, fucking Jason?

Nah, he like to take things slow.

I think holding hands might be appropriate for tonight.

I don't know, I think it might happen.

Oh! Fuck, I told you.

You know, all he had to do was just brush her hair away...

gently touch her cheek, and kiss her soft lips.

Okay.

Liza, you fucking stupid bitch.

I'm gonna fuck your boyfriend and film it. I win!

Um, hello? Grant? Are you hiding?

Grant!

Agh! Oh!

Gotcha.

Are you are you filming this right now?

Uh-huh, we're making a sex tape.

Well that is definitely not something...

that I am comfortable with at all.

Oh, come on. We can watch it after we fuck.

Then we can fuck again.

Fuck, you have matured.

I've matured? You've matured.

Ssh.

Is that your fucking girlfriend?

I fuckin' hope so.

I don't hear anybody.

What the fuck?

Hey, whoever the fuck that is, that's a private bathroom.

You gotta get out.

Seriously, get the fuck out of there.

Grant, what's happening?

Grant?

Asshole.

Where was this guy hiding?

Mostly from Liza, but he has been working out...

lifting weights, a little, light cardio just for you.

Aw fuck, you feel so good.

You like this? Yeah.

You like me? Yeah, I love you. I love you.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Don't stop. Don't stop, I'm so close.

Kate? Kate. Kate?

What the fuck? Fuck.

Oh, God.

No!

Well, that's good.

Wait, this is... this is Grant's room.

Oh my God. Listen.

Ew, I think I can hear Kate. No, no, that's gotta be Liza.

Oh Liza, Liza.

Let's leave 'em alone.

That was really loud. Yeah.

What's happening in there?

I wanna marry you.

Fucking seriously, I will fucking marry you right now.

That was insane, your fingers are amazing.

I'm like outside of myself right now.

I'll fuckin' marry you...

right after I find a bathroom, I need to pee.

Hey! Hey! You promise?

Fuck yeah, I promise.

Now this is the good stuff, it's my favorite.

Thank you.

Wow, you guys are finally fucking hanging out.

Only took four years, right?

Yeah, it's been a pretty good night.

And what about you?

It sounds like you've been having a great night.

No, it's been fuckin' terrible, okay?

Grant and I got into some stupid fight.

Oh, I thought you guys were upstairs?

Yeah, we...

Upstairs? We heard you guys in his room.

Well, it couldn't have been me. I've been down here all night.

Oh, no, no, no. You know what? I saw him.

Actually, he was out front, uh, with Dougie... with Dougie.

Grant went upstairs with that KZB girl.

Yeah, they went up to his room.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, this area is off limits, back off!

Get the fuck out of my way!

You wanna fuck with me, you piece of shit?

You will not work a day on Wall Street.

My daddy will end you, you little bitch. Guess what?

I'm gonna send this fucking video to every fucking bank...

in the entire fucking world.

Oh, open the door! I know you're in there with that stupid whore!

Guess what? I made my own key, bitch.

Oh, you stupid slut. Come here! Wake the fuck up!

Oh my...!

Somebody help me! Ah! Oh my God! Grant! No!

Fuck.

Fuck.

Agh! What the fuck?

Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.

Time to go.

Maggie, Maggie, come on.

No, I'm staying.

No, no, no, okay.

Wait, what? You're not supposed to be better than me.

Ha-ha, yeah. Okay, wait a minute.

I played a lot with my dad when I was a kid, so...

You're cheating. No.

Yeah, okay, well I need some help.

What's this magic that you have? Okay, are you ready?

Sorcery. Yeah.

You cannot just spin it like a mad man, okay?

You have to just lightly flick it in. It's all in the wrist.

Wait, wait, show me again.

Okay, you just lightly touch it in, like that.

Like? Mm-hm.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Are you alright?

Hey, man, someone call 911.

Yo, buddy, you... you alright?

We need a fucking doctor! Hey. Hey.

Oh shit!

Out of the way!

Get the fuck out of here! Everybody run!

What?

Just one second, okay?

I just have to I have to turn something off.

What? You have a camera?

Yeah, we like, we prank each other and do al... what the fuck?

Is this...? Where's the...?

Oh, hello.

Whoa, okay, it's recording.

Wait, what's that?

Wait, what the fuck?! Hold this for a sec?

Drew! Come on, man! Get the fuck outta here!

Jesus Christ! What's wrong with his eyes?

Wait, what the fuck?

Where's Dougie?! Something has happened downstairs.

We have to go! We have to go!

What? What the fuck is happening?

You guys, look.

Oh, dammit. Dougie. Yo. Oh my God.

Dougie. Dougie. Oh my...

Okay, he's breathing! He's breathing!

Dougie! Dude, come on!

Dougie! Fuck! Wake up! Wiggles, what is going on?

Dougie was right! It killed the family that used to live here...

and now it's getting stronger, it's feeding on us!

We need to leave! We need to leave now!

No, please let me out! No!

Ssh!

No... Tate.

Tate. Tate!

Tate!

Ali, no. Ali!

Guys, come on, we can't just leave him here.

We can't carry him.

Wiggles is right. He'll be safer here. We have to go for help.

Okay. Okay.

Okay, the quickest way out is through the living room, okay?

Yo, will you put that shit down, you fuck?

No, nobody will ever believe us.

We have to show what's happening here!

Okay, we gotta go out this way.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Can we get down here?

No, no, no, no, it's too high. It's too high. It's too high.

Okay.

Quietly.

Okay.

Fuck. Fuck. Goddammit. Okay.

We're gonna have to go to the... to the living room.

Oh my God! Oh my...!

Come on, come on.

Tanner! Tanner! You can still get out!

What the fuck is that? Is he dead?

Wait, hold on. Okay.

Hurry up, gimme that!

Okay... okay, okay.

This way, this way. Come on, come on.

Okay. Okay.

Tanner. T?

Maggie? Oh my God.

Wait. We gotta go, we gotta go.

It won't open. We're trapped. What?

Greg, dude, man, get up, we gotta go.

Where, Wiggles? Aw man, get the fuck up.

What are you doing?!

Stop! Stop!

There's a safe room. Come on, let's go.

We need to turn the lights on. Okay.

What do we do? What... what do we do?

The light switch, on the wall.

Okay.

Where? Where? Where?

We have to hurry, Claire!

Okay, okay, okay.

Claire! We have to find it, Claire!

Oh my God.

Oh, my god.

How do we... how do we get it in there?

I don't know. I don't know.

Maybe there's something in here that that tells us.

Let's see.

The police will be here soon.

Hello?

Hello! We're down here!

Jason?

Daphne, what are you doing here? Are you okay?

Are the police up there? What's going on?

Are you okay?

Is it safe? What's happening? Is it safe?

What's happening? Daphne!

Daphne, what's going on? Is it safe?

Hello?!

My mom always thought the evil was still in the house...

after my grandparents died.

And I promised to never let it get out again.

Wait, what are you talking about, Daphne?!

Your grandparents? I'm sorry, Jason.

Agh!

Oh my God! Oh my God! Jason!

- I'm sorry, I had to. - What did you do?

What did you do to him?

It's you or Jason, he saved you for last.

Oh my God.

It must be you. Did you survive a death?

What? No.

Did you survive a death?! What are you saying?

I have to kill you. It's the only way to stop it.

No! You have to die!

Please! I didn't do anything!

My grandfather had to kill his wife to stop it!

Stop this please, please!

It needs you to fully free itself from the cage.

Please! No!

- Just turn around! - No! Please!

- Close your eyes, Claire, please! - You're crazy!

Let go! Claire! Don't... Run... run.

Claire!

It's gonna cross over and we're all gonna die.

Dougie! Dougie!

I'm sorry, Claire.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I-I couldn't let it out.

Claire, I heard everything. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

237 in route.

Advise if you need any other agencies...

dispatched for backup.