All language subtitles for The New Adventures of Old Christine - 01x05 - I ll Show You Mine.eng

[GRUNTS]

I love kissing.

[BURTON LAUGHS]

And you know what else?

I think I'm a really great kisser.

So, um, you wanna take this inside?

Why? I think we're doing great out here.

Plus, I like making out standing up,
because I don't get a roll over my pants.

[BURTON CHUCKLES]

- I can't do this again.
- What?

We've been dating for two months,
I've only made it as far as your porch.

Now, is there a problem,
or are you just a porch tease?

[CHRISTINE LAUGHS]

I told you what the problem is.
My kid is in there.

I've never introduced him
to anyone I've dated.

I mean, that is a really big step for me.

I understand that. I'm a dad.
I know what a big deal it is.

I let you inside my house.

But, Burton, your kid wasn't there.

I can't just parade random guys
through my 8-year-old's life.

I mean, not that there's been
enough guys to constitute a parade.

More like a circus, with more clowns.

So, uh, when do you think
you might be ready?

Soon.

Yup, before you know it. Yeah, yeah.
Like, right around the corner.

Yeah, okay. All right, I got it.

- Well, good night.
- Well, good night.

BURTON: I'm getting inside.
- No, oh, no, you are not. Stop it.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, come on.
It hasn't been that bad, has it?

[BURTON SIGHS]

I mean, didn't doing it in your car
last week make you feel like a teenager?

Yeah, until I got home
and I had to ice...

...everything.

[CHRISTINE LAUGHS]

No kidding.
I got a bruise from knee to nipple.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

This is about taking our relationship
to the next level.

[GASPS]

But I can't. I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry, Burton, not yet.
- Okay.

- Well, good night.
- Well, good night.

Thank you.

You're a wonderful man.

You deserve a fantastic kisser like me.

Go away.
That's all you're getting tonight.

We're closed.

But we open tomorrow at 9.

Get here early
before all the good stuff is picked over.

Hi.

- Who's she?
MATTHEW: That's my sister.

She used to be married to him.
Now he goes out with her.

And she's an awkward dater.

[WHISPERS]
Wha...?

Wanna throw egg rolls
out on the lawn for Burton?

- Who's Burton?
- The guy she's been seeing.

She doesn't wanna introduce him
to Ritchie.

- Who's Ritchie?
- Oh, I'm sorry, he's my son.

Wait, who are you?

This is my girlfriend, Michelle.

Oh, girlfriend?
Wow, when did that happen?

About noon.

Still not letting Burton in the house?

- Yeah, I can't. It's not good for Ritchie.
- Is that it?

Or are you just using Ritchie
as a human shield...

...to keep your relationship
from moving forward?

RICHARD: Oh...
MICHELLE: Hmm.

Uh, Matthew, I am not
really comfortable...

...discussing my personal life
in mixed company.

Christine.

You can't leave Burton out there forever.
You don't wanna be a porch tease.

- Is that really a thing?
- No, we were listening.

Oh, God.

- Oh, my God.
- I thought you liked him.

If you keep him out on the porch
much longer, you're gonna lose him.

No, I'm not. Burton's totally fine with it.
He wants me to take my time.

No. Guys need to know
they're moving towards a goal.

- They need to know when they're winning.
- Yeah, it's why we like sports and war.

Well, he's not gonna break up with me
just because I'm not ready to move forward.

- Is he?
- Men don't like stop signs.

They like green lights and war.

You know, Richard was nervous
about introducing me to Ritchie.

But you just have to take the leap
and know that he's gonna be okay.

He's a great kid. You're a great mom.

Oh, thank you.

Like now,
Ritchie and I get along great.

We laugh at each other's jokes,
we have cute nicknames for each other.

[RICHARD LAUGHS]

Yeah, I said, thank you.

Mom?

Oh, hi, sweetie. You're up.

How was your night?

It was good. I saw a dead mouse.

Oh, sorry I missed that.

You didn't. I kept it.

Oh, even better.

Um, ahem, listen, sweetie...

...I wanna talk to you
about something, okay?

You know how you have
a best friend at school, Austin?

RITCHIE:
Mm-hm.

Well, Mommy has a best friend too.

And his name is Burton.

Does he pick his nose?

I hope not.

Does he teach you dirty words?

Couple.

But he's a very nice man,
and I would like for you to meet him.

But only if you would like to meet him.
Like to meet him?

No.

Well, he would like to meet you.

And I would like for you to meet him.
So, what do you think?

- No, thanks.
- Well, you're gonna meet him.

And if you don't like him,
you don't have to see him again.

- Okay.
- Okay, all right.

Go to sleep now, sweetie.
It's late, okay?

We can talk about this
in the morning if you want.

- I don't want to.
- We'll talk about it in the morning, okay?

- I love you, darling. Night.
- Night.

Oh, God.

[MUMBLING AND GRUNTING]

- What are you doing?
- Cleaning.

Why? Is Mom coming?

I'm not here. I'm studying for the bar.
What'd we tell her last time?

Law school? Med school? What?

Matthew, pull yourself together.
Mom is not coming.

I'm tidying up
so Burton doesn't think I'm a slob.

Oh, God. Why am I bothering to do this?

I'm not gonna pretend
to be somebody I'm not.

He can either take me the way I am,
or not at all.

[SCOFFS]

Wow, you will really go to any length
to justify not cleaning.

I know, right?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, God. Okay, uh, yeah, just...
Just a second.

Ritchie.

Ooh, look at you.

You look adorable. Honey, don't scratch.

Burton's gonna think you have fleas.
Come on.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Coming. Honey, you're not nervous
about meeting Mommy's new friend?

What friend?
I thought Grandma was coming.

Wait, is she or is she not coming?

Would everybody please relax?
This is supposed to be fun.

Aren't you having fun? I'm having fun.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Wow, you look great. Are you ready?

- I'm ready.
- How was your day?

Uh, not so good. My mom
got into a bit of a car accident...

Okay, let's go. Come.

Ritchie, I'd like you to meet my friend
Burton.

Are you my new dad?

Wow, that must've been
a tough delivery.

No, that's my idiot brother, Matthew.

Idiot.

[BURTON CHUCKLES]

- Where is Ritchie?
- Bathroom.

Okay, out. Out, out, out.

I don't know why I was in a hurry
to get in the house, it wasn't that great.

I probably should've cleaned it,
but Matthew talked me out of it, so...

[BURTON CHUCKLES]

- What were you saying about your mother?
- She got in an accident.

- She's fine, but the other driver is just...
- Okay, he's back. Come on.

Ritchie, this is my friend Burton.

- Hi, Ritchie.
- Hi.

My pants itch. Can I go change?

Yes, of course.

Oh, my God. That went great.

That was so much better
than I expected.

What exactly did you expect?

Oh, you know, tears, tantrums,
maybe somebody yelling:

"You can't tell me what to do.
You're not my father."

Plus, I had no idea
how Ritchie was gonna react.

[BOTH LAUGH]

So can I go now? My pants itch too.

Yes, you're excused.
You were a big help. I'll tell Mom.

I'd really appreciate that.

- Nice to meet you.
- The pleasure's all mine.

Really, I can't thank you enough
for taking the old gal off my hands.

[BURTON CHUCKLES]

- So you're in.
- Hmm.

[CHRISTINE LAUGHS]

CHRISTINE:
How does it feel?

The way you were guarding it,
I thought it'd be fancier.

I don't know, maybe some
gold columns and white tigers.

[LAUGHS]

But, uh, it's nice.

Ugh, this is big.

I really feel like we've crossed over
into new territory.

You know, I was so nervous about it,
but now that it's done...

...I really feel like it was the right move.

Me too.

- So speaking of big steps...
- Mm-hm.

...when do I get to meet your kid?

Oh, yeah, yeah. One of these days.

You know, when the time is right.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

- What?
- I showed him mine.

Now he won't show me his.

I hope to God
you're talking about your boobs.

No, my kid.

I introduced Burton to Ritchie,
and then when I mention meeting his kid...

...he says, "When the time is right."

- What is that supposed to mean?
- I guess he's not ready.

Yeah, ugh, but this was supposed
to be a milestone in our relationship.

I mean, I was under the impression
that the feeling was mutual.

He was practically begging me
to get inside my house.

- I hope to God you're talking about your...
- Oh, shut up.

God, this is so embarrassing.

I mean, it's like I said, "I love you,"
and he said, "Thank you."

Well, it's better than, "I bet you do."

I mean, he was acting as if he was ready
to move to the next step.

And now it's like he thinks
I'm moving too fast?

I mean, what is wrong with men?
They make everything too complicated.

- Well, talk to him.
- No.

He'll think that I need him to tell me
how much he likes me.

I want him to tell me he likes me...

...without him knowing
that I need him to tell me that.

Yeah, men are complicated.

Yeah. You know what?
I'm just gonna talk to him.

I'm gonna see what he's thinking.
I'm so confused.

Would've been easier
if you just showed him your boobs.

Yeah. No kidding.
I always forget I have these things.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Hey, stranger.
- Yeah, uh, hey.

Um, ahem, I'm a little bit confused
about what just happened.

I really thought that we're
on the same page about our relationship...

...and where it was going,
but, uh, clearly I was wrong.

What do you mean?
Uh, do you wanna come inside?

Oh, no, no, no.

I don't wanna move things forward
too quickly.

I should stay out here on the porch
and come in when the time is right.

You know, one of these days.

Christine, I don't know
what you're talking about.

- Why are you hiding your kid from me?
- What?

Yeah. I showed you my kid,
now you won't show me yours?

I mean, are you not serious
about this relationship, Burton?

Because if you're not,
we can end it right now.

Stevie is in Montana with his mother.

He won't be back for another six weeks.
I thought you could meet then.

[CHOKING]
Oh. Ahem.

Uh, so when you said,
"When the time is right," you meant...

- When he's in the same state.
- Oh...

Yes, yes. Well, that's what I thought,
just...

I just wanted to storm over here
and make sure.

[LAUGHING]
Christine, come on, come on.

I don't wanna hide Stevie from you.
I don't wanna hide anything from you.

- Of course I want you to meet him.
- Really?

Of course, baby.

Oh...

I love you.

[BURTON CHUCKLES]

I bet you do.

Oh, good, you're all here.

Sorry. We stopped by to say hi...

...but then we ordered a movie
on pay-per-view.

My God. That woman is naked.

Yeah, there's a lot of nudity in this.
That's why we ordered it here.

We didn't want Richard's cable company
to think we're pervs.

- You wanna watch with us?
- Oh, no, thanks, Michelle.

[WHISPERS]
Not Michelle.

You know, for a guy
who does nothing all day, you do all right.

RICHARD:
I heard you introduced Ritchie to Burton.

- How'd that go?
- Good. He said he loved me.

ALL:
Aw.

I said, "I bet you do."

[ALL GASP]

I know.

I'm a horrible person.

So, "I bet you do." Brutal.

I know. I wasn't expecting it.

- I thought you liked him.
- I do.

- You don't love him?
- I don't know.

How am I supposed to know?
Do I love him?

Should I love him? Do you love him?

Christine, it shouldn't be this hard.

I told you I loved you on our first date.
You said it back to me.

Yeah, but we were 22.

I'd had just seen Ghost.
I would've told the movie usher I loved him.

Good to know our marriage was built
on such a rock-solid foundation.

Come on, it worked out okay,
except for the divorce.

Maybe you're just afraid,
and you're keeping yourself from loving him.

Am I doing that? Should I be doing that?
Do you ever do that?

Have you eaten today?

I don't know. I mean, of course I'm afraid.
I'm so scared, you know?

I mean, what if I fall in love
with Burton...

...and then 10 years down the road,
the whole thing falls apart?

[CHRISTINE GRUNTS]

Well, if you don't try, you'll never know.

- Do you like the guy?
- Very much.

- Is he nice to you?
- So nice.

But not so nice
it makes me not like him anymore.

What did your parents do to you?

You know.
You spent Christmas with them.

- Yeah, yeah.
- God, you know, I, ugh...

Burton and I have a great time together.

You know, he's nice,
he's funny, he's smart...

...he's handsome.
I mean, what's not to love?

I don't know.

Yeah, maybe you're right.
I'm just scared.

- I do love him.
- Then tell him.

I will.

MATTHEW: Where you going?
- To tell Burton I love him.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

We have got to get you a telephone.

[CHRISTINE LAUGHS]

I know.
But, um, I have to tell you something...

...and it's the kind of something
that should only be said in person.

Or on a giant screen at a baseball game.

[BOTH LAUGH NERVOUSLY]

I can hardly wait.

[STAMMERS]

Burton, I am so sorry
I freaked out before.

L... When you said, "I love you,"
I didn't mean to say, "I bet you do."

I don't know why
that came out of my mouth.

What I meant to say was, I...

...don't think I can see you anymore.

Wow, I'm so glad you didn't put that
on a giant screen at a baseball game.

[BURTON CHUCKLES]

I, uh, thought you were
gonna say, "I love you."

Oh, my God.

So did I.
That's what I came over here to say.

I meant to say that.

But I can't.

I guess I don't love you.

Yeah, I'm getting that. I'm, uh...

[CHUCKLES]

You know, it was, uh, implied
with the "I bet you do."

And then you, uh, really drove it home
with the "I don't wanna see you anymore."

I guess that was why
I was keeping you out on the porch.

I said it was for Ritchie, but it wasn't.
It was for me.

[SIGHS]

So...

What are we doing?

Uh, I don't know. What, uh...?

Why don't we go back
to the way it was before?

On the porch. I love the porch.

We can't go back.
We moved past the porch.

- But it was so good.
- I can't go back to the porch.

And I can't say "porch" anymore.

Christine, I'm done with dating.

I wanna settle down, be with one person.

And I was hoping it was you.

[SIGHS]

Burton, I really would do anything
not to hurt your feelings.

- I just...
- Yeah, I get it.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sad,
but I understand.

You're the most incredible woman
I've ever been with.

And, um...

...when you are ready...

...that person's gonna be
the luckiest man alive.

Bye, Christine.

Do I love him?

Sweetie, you know how we were talking
about friendship the other night?

RITCHIE: Yeah.
- Okay.

Well, the thing about friendship is...

...sometimes you're friends
with people forever.

And sometimes
they come into your life...

...and they make you
feel good about yourself...

...and they teach you a few new words.

And then you move on.

But I like Austin. I don't wanna move on.

Oh, no, no, no.
You can be friends with Austin.

I mean, he picks his nose,
but you play with dead mice...

...so his mom's probably
not thrilled either.

Anyway, Ritchie,
what I'm trying to say...

...is that sometimes people
come into your life to stay.

And sometimes
they're just passing through...

- Mom, can I go to sleep?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Almost there. Hang on, sweetie.

Um, darling, listen.

[CLEARS THRO AT]

Burton's not gonna
be coming around anymore.

He's a great guy,
and he really liked meeting you.

But he's one of Mommy's friends
that's moving on.

And everybody's okay.

- Are you okay?
- I'm okay.

Oh, good.

- Is there anything you wanna ask me?
- Mm-hm.

Who's Burton?

- Good night, sweetheart.
- Good night, Mom.

[ENGLISH SDH]