All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine-Nine - 05x01 - The Big House 1

Just eating butter
like a Popsicle, huh, Boyle?

Yeah, I know,
I'm spoiling myself,

but I'm depressed.
Or have you forgotten

that Jake, my best friend,
is in prison?

- Wait, Jake's in prison?
- Yeah!

He and Rosa were framed
for a bunch of bank robberies

by Lieutenant Hawkins.

Oh, right. And where's Gina?

On maternity leave!
We were all at her baby shower

- last week.
- Okay.

And why am I bleeding?

I don't know, Hitchcock.

Oh, so you don't have
all the answers.

I'm bleeding because
my piece-of-crap

son-in-law bit me.

Look, we all miss Jake and Rosa,

which is why we have to
keep working the case.

There has to be some way
to exonerate them.

I've been looking,
but I can't find anything

and I don't know what to do.
"I can't find anything

and I don't know what to do":

Title of your sex tape.
What is happening

right now?! They caught Hawkins

trying to flee the country.

She confessed to everything,

and they let me out. Oh, my God,

Jake, is it really you?
Are you really here?

You know it, baby.

But first...
I gotta hug my best friend.

- Yeah.
- What?

Welcome back, Peralta.

I just heard from the mayor.

To apologize
for what happened to you,

they're sending you
to Disney World.

You and one male guest.

As long as I don't have to
go on any of the scary rides.

- I'd just go for the shows.
- Yeah!

All: Boyle, Boyle, Boyle!

Boyle, Boyle, Boyle!

Boyle!

Were you dreaming
about Jake again?

Why did you wake me up?!

I told you never to wake me up!

♪

♪

Wake up! Rise and shine!

Good morning, Caleb.

You woke up happy for once.

You're damn right I did.
It's visiting day.

It's visiting day!

Happy visiting day.

Happy visiting day, Tommy.
You excited

for the family to come?
Tino, is Maria on her way?

Miguel, happy visiting day...

And he hung himself. Oh, my God.

Guard! Guard!

- Hi, hey.
- Hi.

Oh, man, three weeks
is way too long

between visits.
I know, I'm so sorry.

It's been so hard to get down
to South Carolina between

work and spending
every free minute on your case.

All right,
that's enough touching.

You used all
the touching time, Amy.

I get 100% of
the goodbye touching time.

100%. So, Charles, I gotta ask:

What's going on with your hair?
Well, it turned white

from the stress,
but I didn't want you to worry,

so I dyed it back
to my normal color

with a splash of Batali.
Do you like it?

So, how's my case going?
Have you found anything

on Hawkins?
I've been working it in here.

You know,
when no one's watching.

In my cell. At night.
In the dark.

I guess I've been mostly
thinking about it.

We're tracking her 24/7.

You know, watching her men,
combing her old files,

but she's done a great job
at covering her tracks.

We will find something, babe.

I swear.
Don't give up hope, okay?

How are they treating you?
Are you safe?

Yeah, I'm in protective custody

because everyone in gen pop
hates cops.

I'm not really sure why.
Something about us

locking them in cages

and letting the world
pass them by.

So, it sounds

like you're isolated
and haven't had any chance

to make new friends.
Well, my cellmate,

Caleb, is okay.
Just remember he's in prison.

No matter how small the crime,
people don't change

and don't deserve
second chances.

Charles, relax.
I'm not gonna replace you.

Trust me, all I've been
thinking about

is when you guys
are gonna get down here.

And now you are,
and we can finally talk.

There's an incident

in the yard.
We're going into lockdown.

- Inmates, line up.
- No.

No, no, no, no, no.

I have 50 more minutes.
I need this.

- Back to your cells right now.
- No!

My touching time.

♪

Sarge, Captain.
Oh, you guys brought Hitchcock.

Uh, no, we just bumped
into him in the lobby.

We don't know why he's here.
Jenny, baby!

I love what prison's
doing to your figure.

Okay. So, how's prison?

Nobody likes cops in here,
so I had to earn their respect

by starting a bunch of riots.
Got thrown in solitary

for a week.
What's going on with your face?

I hate seeing you like this,
so I'm flexing my eyes

real hard to keep from crying.

It's okay, we can still
have a normal conversation.

So... how's the food?

Pay no attention to him, Rosa.
He's very emotional, Rosa.

Why are you saying
my first name?

Well, Rosa, I read an article
in a medical journal

that said
one destabilizing aspect

of incarceration is
the constant dehumanization,

Rosa. You need to be reminded

that you're more than
just a number, Rosa.

You are Rosa... Rosa.

- Yup, that fixes prison.
- Is there anything we can do

to help you?
Anything you need done

- on the outside?
- No, I'm good.

- It's not a problem.
- Rosa.

- We're here for you.
- Rosa.

- Whatever you need.
- Rosa.

Okay, I'll come up with a list.

The alarm went off
before we could even talk.

Aw, that's too bad, bud.

But at least you have people
that wanna come

and visit you.
My family hasn't been

to see my since my trial.
You eat nine people

and all of the sudden
they "don't know"

who you are anymore."

Wait... what?

Did you say "eat people"?
Are you a cannibal, Caleb?

Well, that's not how
I would define myself.

If we're going by
what I'm most passionate about,

I would say that
I'm a woodworker.

Why did you think
I was in protective custody?

I don't know, I guess I hoped
you were another cop

wrongly convicted
of crimes you didn't commit.

Nope, I did all my stuff
and more.

There's tons they can't
even trace to me.

The secret is eating
the evidence.

Okay, this is just great.
I don't see anyone

from the outside for another
three weeks

and my only friend
here is a cannibal.

Woodworker.
Look, if you really wanna

talk to people on the outside,

just get a cell phone.
Yeah, that'd be great,

but it's illegal, right?
There's this guy

in gen pop... Romero.
He can smuggle anything

into this place: Phones, drugs,

big bag of hair.
Why would you want that?

You know what? Don't tell me.

The less I know about you,
the better.

Okay, let's find
this Romero guy.

Right now?
I really wanna chomp down

- on this meat.
- Caleb...

This is scary.

I don't like being
so near gen pop.

It's fine. It's not like they're

all waiting for
an opportunity to kill us.

I'm sure some of them
are actually nice,

like this gentle giant here.

Hello, sir, what brings you
to the fence today?

Just here to stab you
if you get too close.

Neat. Caleb, remind me

not to stand too close
to the fence.

Will do. Oh, here's Romero.

So, what's up?
You need another bag of hair?

- Yeah.
- No.

We'll talk later.
Same order, though.

I hear you're the man to talk to

about getting a cell phone.
I am.

But it'll cost you. Phone's 100.

- $100? That's no problem.
- I got no use

for cash. I want 100 soups.

- Soups?
- Yeah, ramen.

They're like a major currency
in here.

Really? That is very surprising.

You can't smoke anymore,

so ramen has replaced
cigarettes.

NPR did a big thing on it.
I thought they sold ramen

at the prison commissary.
I don't want commissary soups,

you stupid little bitch boy.
Okay, that's fair.

- I deserve that.
- I want flavors

you can only get
on the outside...

Chili-lime shrimp,
southwestern chicken...

- Street flavors.
- Picante beef.

Oh, that's my favorite.

Get me picante beef, bitch boy.

Okay, so I just get some ramen

and then I get a cell phone.
Prison is easy.

You stood too close

to the fence.
Yeah, I know, Caleb!

♪

Captain, Diaz sent us
a list of favors

she needs us to do for her.
She didn't hold back.

First, she wants us to move
all her furniture

- into storage.
- Okay.

- Then file her taxes for her.
- Really?

And then she wants us
to type up and email

these letters to Pimento
in Argentina.

- Are they sexual in nature?
- Crazy sexual.

But we can't say no.
She's behind bars

and we made a promise.
Right. You're right.

Oh, also, she's worried
about her motorcycle

sitting idle,
so she wants us to take it out

once a day. Here.

I think you should do this.
You're more the biker type.

I've seen you use
a toothpick in public.

Motorcycles are death machines.

I have three kids.
I'm not risking it.

Are you saying
my life matters less

because I don't conform

to society's heteronormative,
child-centric ideals?

Are you really playing
the gay card right now?

Yas, queen.

Thanks for coming down again.

What's going on at work?
Not much.

I'm investigating a big-time
money launderer.

Moves tons of cash...
under the table.

It was stressful,
because the brass got involved,

so there were a lot of eyes
on the operation.

♪

But in the end,
they gave us room to work.

Well, sounds like it was
a very successful operation.

♪

Here you go, bro.

- 105 picante beef.
- Great.

I'll keep five packs for myself.

What do you want me
to do with the rest?

Thanks for the soups.
Here's your cell phone.

Thank you. And by the way,

as someone who's eaten
a lot of ramen in his life,

here's a tip:
Leave a few noodles uncooked

and then sprinkle them on top
afterwards like a garnish.

Gives you an extra
little fun bonus crunch.

Ha-ha!

Saw you coming that time.

Like who's got prison
all figured...

He threw the shiv.

You can't do that!

I can't believe
I'm hearing your voice.

I know. It's so amazing.

And now every day can
be like visiting day,

and we can just talk
about whatever, whenever...

Jake, Jake, Jake,
Jake-Jake-Jake-Jake-Jake.

- I gotta go.
- Jake?

Hey, warden. What's up?

What the hell are these?
I found them

doing a sweep of your bunks.
Oh, uh...

we got those at the commissary.
Picante beef.

You think I don't know

that picante beef
is a street flavor?

I was being kind to you
by putting you two

in protective custody,
but if you're gonna

bring contraband into my prison
and flaunt my rules,

pack your bags.

You're going to gen pop.
Gen pop?

But my tough prison beard
hasn't fully grown in yet.

Just give me six or seven
more years.

I can't believe
we're going to gen pop.

A cop and a cannibal?

Everybody's gonna be
trying to kill us.

I know. What are we gonna do?

You're a psychopath.
You can protect us in there,

right?
I mean, you killed and ate

a bunch of people.
They were children, Jake.

Weak little children.
One conk on the head

- was all it took.
- Damn it.

I can't believe I'm friends
with a cowardly cannibal.

Here she comes. Big smiles.

- Hey, Rosa.
- Hey. How's my bike?

Great.
It actually was a lot of fun

to ride... once I got
the hang of it.

And you were able
to finish everything on my list?

It wasn't too much, was it?

- No.
- Not at all.

If anything, you didn't ask
enough of us.

Great, 'cause I thought of
a few more things.

Oh, were you able to send
that email to Adrian?

Oh, yes,
he wrote back right away.

It wasn't as graphic
as I feared.

He wrote the number eight...

equal sign, equal sign,
equal sign, equal sign,

equal sign, equal sign,
equal sign, capital D...

oh. I see what this is.

- This is a...
- Yup.

Cream turkey.

You know,
what I could really go for is...

- People potpie?
- First of all, Jake,

great alliteration.
Second of all,

just because I was arrested
for cannibalism

doesn't mean that all
I like to eat is people.

I was gonna say
"a chicken burrito."

Man, my cousin was so tasty.
Oh, come on.

Oop... hello.

You're gonna die in here, cop.

- What's up, Caleb?
- 'Sup, Chico?

It's so crazy.
They hate you so much,

they don't even care about me.
Yeah, congratulations.

I think I'm gonna
need to join a gang.

And that way
I'll have protection

and no one will mess with me.
I don't know, man.

Joining a gang is not that easy.
It would be for me.

I once took a seminar
on how to ace job interviews,

and I'm really good at them.
Really?

This I've gotta see.
Hey, everyone, I'm Jake.

Thank you so much
for sitting down with me.

I just need a moment
of your time,

and then you can get back
to watching your stories.

What can I tell you
about myself?

Well, I'm hardworking,
incredibly motivated.

I can make a shiv
out of anything.

I am deceptively athletic.
I'm not sure if your gang likes

to play B-ball out in the yard,
but I can dunk.

Oakley...

And I'm just super excited
to join...

What are you guys called again?
ISIS.

ISIS...

cool.

Well, I am excited to join...

ISIS.

I can't believe I went 0 for 16.

I got rejected
by my safety gang.

I'm gonna die in here.

Well, there is one more option,

but it's a long shot.
Remember that guy Romero

who you got the cell phone from?
If you got in good

with his crew,
nobody would dare touch you.

But he is real scary and crazy.

Okay,
and how anti-Semitic is he?

- Average?
- Then let's give it a shot!

So, Picante Beef,
I hear you wanna be

part of my crew.
Not ideally the nickname

I would've chosen for myself,
but yes,

I think I could be
of help to you.

Do you know how long
I've been in this prison?

17 years!

- Well, you look great.
- And not once,

in all of that time, Beefy...
It's just "Beefy" now?

Have I ever seen anything
as disrespectful

as a cop coming into my prison

telling me how to eat my soups!

But damn!

Crumbling the noodle on top
gives it an extra

little crispity-snap!

I was blown away.
Wasn't I, Tank?

Hasn't stopped talking about it.

Come here, Beef Baby!

Great. So, does this mean

that I'm part of the crew?
Nobody can touch you now.

Wow, guess all it took
was the ramen tip.

Actually, you gotta do
one more thing for me

to close the deal.
Absolutely no problem.

Actually, I have a great idea
for a ramen dessert.

You make it with Jell-O mix.
I need you to kill a guard.

Oh... okay. Great.

Cool-cool-cool-cool,
cool-cool-cool.

Beef Baby's out for blood.

So...

Okay... this guard
you're gonna kill, Wilson...

Oh, I'd rather not
know his name.

It's Alan Wilson.
He's got a three-year-old,

Dexter. They call him Dex.

Cool. I'm not worried at all

about little Dex.
I'm sure he'll be fine.

I mean, I grew up without a dad.
Yeah?

- Me too.
- So did I.

See? And we're all doing great.

Can I ask what this Wilson did

to deserve this?
He beat the crap out of me.

- How?
- More importantly, he keeps

interfering
with my business interests.

But it's about my thing too,
right?

Of course.

How are you gonna do it?
Shiv him, shank him, stab him?

Are those different?

Oh, boy. Should I be asking

someone else to do this?
No, no, no, no.

It's fine.
I'm gonna prove myself to you.

But what if instead
of killing Wilson,

we get him fired?
That way, you don't have

another man's death
on your conscience.

Yeah, that doesn't bother me.

No, of course not. Why would it?

But if we murder him,
there's gonna be

an investigation, and that could
bring a lot of heat

down on you, you know?
I can see that.

But that's not how we usually
do things around here.

Sure, but you know what else

you didn't used to do
around here...

Sprinkle uncooked noodles
on top of your ramen.

You're right. You're right.

You've earned the benefit
of the doubt.

You have 24 hours, Beef Baby.

- Jake.
- Beef Baby.

- Jake.
- Beef Baby.

- Jake.
- Beef Baby.

- Jake.
- Beef Baby.

- Jake.
- Beef. Baby!

Beef Baby.

Okay, here's the plan.

Tank said Wilson beats up
inmates,

so all I have to do
is get him to attack me

and then file a complaint
with the prison board.

Sure, but whenever
the bulls attack us...

Which happens all the time...
The security cameras

are conveniently
not working that day,

so it's just
your word against theirs.

Well, lucky for me,
I have my own camera.

It's the perfect plan.
Hey, I've never

been beaten up by
a prison guard before.

They don't use that baton,
do they?

You seem pretty committed
to this plan,

so there's no real benefit
to me answering.

Sounds good.

So, you painted my apartment?

Walls in "White Wisp,"
trim in "Honeymilk."

- And you filed my taxes.
- You're getting

your maximum refund.
And picked up

my abuela at the airport?
Yes, I went and got her

at the Philadelphia
International Airport in...

Pennsylvania.
And you broke the news to her

about how I got sent to prison
and she'll probably die

before I get out?
Mmhmm, had that

fun conversation.
But it was all worth it

for you, you poor little
caged bird.

Great, because I have another
favor to ask.

- Another?
- Yeah, I need you

to cancel my cable.

That's it?

That's easy.

I've been on the phone
for six hours

and I just wanna cancel
an account.

Yes, you've mentioned
the bundles

and I don't want
home phone service.

No, do not transfer me,
Rodrigo... no, no!

No, Rodrigo!

All right, there's Wilson.

I'll go make him mad.
When he attacks me,

you film it. Then afterwards,

we'll meet up in the bathroom.
Okay, great.

What are you gonna do
to get him angry?

Well, I don't know him,

so I'm not sure
what buttons to push,

but I'm sure if I try
enough things,

something will set him off.

Excuse me,
can I ask you a question?

- Get back to your table.
- Yeah, you know, I would,

except for...

Oh, my God, that's all it took?
I told you

to get back to your table!

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

What hurts the most is knowing

that prisoners are treated
this way every day

in our penal system...
also, he kicked me

- in the wiener a bunch.
- Mm.

Show me the video.
I'll send it to Charles,

he'll say he got it anonymously,
and then...

Oh, my God, that's all it took?

Caleb, is this it?
Did you film yourself

the whole time?
Okay, look, I've been

in prison for 15 years.
I'm not good

with new technology.

You want somebody
to lure a kid to a park

using a Lycos chatroom,
I'm your man.

Look, just press this button

and make it front-facing.
Come on, let's try it again.

Hey, Wilson...

Please tell me you were pointed

in the right direction
that time.

Yes, but there was
a different issue.

Caleb!
You added the fiesta filter?

- I'm doing the best I can.
- Tell that to my wiener!

- I'm doing the...
- No, don't really... gosh...

Okay, how'd you
screw it up this time?

I didn't. I got everything.

I even zoomed in
for some close-ups.

Oh, thank God.

I was so sure that something
was gonna go wrong.

Hey there, Peralta.

Oh, I'll take that phone now.

I heard an inmate and a guard
were having a fight,

so I go to do
what I normally do:

Turn off the security cameras.
Yup, cool policy.

This place is great.
And that's when I noticed

your cannibal pal
taping the whole fight

with an illegal cell phone.
And what were you planning

on doing with this?
Blackmailing Wilson?

No, I was trying
to save his life.

- Ah, come on.
- Honestly.

I was ordered by this guy,
Romero.

I don't know his first name.
Jeff?

Really?
Romero's first name is Jeff?

- Yeah.
- Anyway, Jeff ordered me

to kill Wilson,
but I convinced him to let

your guy live if
I got him fired instead.

Why do you want him
to lose his job?

He's a good man with a family.
I mean, he did stomp

on my head a bunch of times.
Those were warning stomps.

What are you,
part of Romero's crew now?

No, I was trying to get in.
That's what the video was for,

but obviously, it didn't work.
All right.

- I'll fire Wilson.
- Really?

- Why?
- Romero's responsible

for most of the illegal stuff
that goes on in this prison.

I've always wanted a man
on the inside.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

The only people less popular
in here than cops are snitches.

Well, let's be honest,

it's not great in here
for trans people.

- That is so true.
- I know.

They have a hard time.
It's a problem.

Regardless, I won't snitch,
okay?

It's too dangerous.
I'll find some other way

- to stay alive.
- All right.

Good luck with that.

♪

Wait.

I'll do what you want...

if you let me keep my phone.

So, were you able
to cancel my cable?

Of course. It was easy.

Good,
because I have something else.

I need you to take my dog
to Argentina

to be with Adrian on his ranch.
Now, I know what you're gonna

ask me, and the answer is no,

I don't have a map
of the booby traps,

but I can tell you
how he thinks.

Enough!

I'm sorry. I hate to say this,

but you're asking
too much of us.

Is that how you feel too, Sarge?

- Yeah, Rosa, damn.
- Good, finally.

- What?
- Look, prison is awful.

I hate it here.
I'm lonely, I'm scared.

I just wanna be back home,
and I was happy

you guys were coming to visit,
but then you started

calling me by my first name,
and you kept making

that crazy crying face.
The only one that is acting

like himself is Hitchcock. You!

Shirt back on!
Stop being such a prude.

If I'm gonna get through this,
I need to feel like

my old life isn't gone.
I need normal interactions.

So, I need you guys
to fight with me,

and be honest with me,
and tell me no

when I'm being unreasonable.

Okay, I promise:
No more crying face.

And no more pity... Diaz.

Thank you.
I can't believe it took

that long. I really thought

the cable company
was gonna break you.

It did. But the good news is,

you now have Epix,
plus some channel

called "Tunez," with a Z.

Two-year commitment.

What else?
Oh, you're never gonna

believe this. I've been reading.

Reading?
Like, books by real authors?

I don't know,
is Philip Roth a real author?

Oh, my goodness!

I wish you had gone
to prison years ago.

I'm kidding. Obviously, I'm not

more attracted to you now
than before.

So, what else have
you been reading?

Oh, hang on one sec.

Hey, boss, what's up?
I saw you got Wilson fired.

Nice work. Welcome aboard.

Thank you. I promise you,

you won't regret it.

Just one more thing.

I know you used to be a cop.

If you screw me over,
I will cut your testicles off

and watch you bleed to death
in the dirt.

You got that?

Can I trust you?

Yeah. I got nothing to hide.

I'm your Beef Baby.

♪

Hey, sorry about that.

Where were we?
Jake, that sounded really bad.

- Is everything okay?
- Yeah.

Everything's fine.
I'm talking to you.