All language subtitles for This Fool s01e05 Sandy Says.eng

[snoring]

- Hey, what the fuck?
- Wake your ass up.

I'm leading group hug this week.

Come on, hurry up. We're gonna be late.

- Alright. Damn!

- Hey, dawg, you finished
your GED homework?

LUIS:
Nah.

- What you mean nah?
You gotta stay on top of that shit.

I don't wanna write you up.

- Come on, you never write me up.

- Hey, bitch, I'm in charge now.

Don't test me.

[grunts]
Fuckin' idiot.

- Hey, come on, we're gonna be late.

Why you playin' around and fighting, huh?

- Let go! Let go!

♪ theme music playing ♪

♪

♪

- Back in the days, it was more innocent.

Just me at the computer, public library,

waiting 20 minutes
for a damn titty to load.

But now,

my porn addiction is outta control.

[both sigh]

I even jacked off
in the computer lab here,

which I'm truly ashamed of.

Bro, what have I become?

- [Luis snickers] Damn.

This fool's horny!

- Luis, shut up.

Randy, please continue.

- Basically, every time I try to have sex,

my dick is like wet spaghetti.

[snickers]

I'd rather watch porn
than have sex with my own wife.

Now, she even
thinking about leaving me.

CANDI:
It's okay.

- Hey, hey, Randy, you know,
that's real sad and all,

and no disrespect, homey, but...

[imitates Austin Powers]
does porn make you randy, baby?

Nah, nah, nah, wait, wait.

[imitates Austin Powers]
Does porn make you randy, Randy?

You get it? Austin Powers!

- You know what?
Let's wrap it up there.

Come on, everybody. Let's bring it in.

Let's get a group hug going.

- Hey, no, I'm not,
I'm not huggin' this fool.

He probably has a boner right now.

Nah, I'm just playin',
he can't even keep it hard.

- Okay, come on. Just ignore him.
He's an idiot.

I'll handle it, Randy.

Luis, hold up.

You gotta start
taking this shit seriously.

- This shit is corny,
especially with you in charge.

You know what they say:

Laughter's the best Tylenol.

- Don't you mean best medicine?

- Is Tylenol medicine?

- Yeah.
- Well, then I think I got it right.

- Dawg, you're the only one laughing
at your dumb-ass jokes.

Austin Powers is an old-ass movie.

You gotta update your references, playboy.

- Hey, pendejo, Austin Powers is timeless.

- All you do is quote movies.

That's what unfunny people do.

- Fuck you.

I'm fuckin' funny.
- No, you're not.

And you've never been funny.

And you never will be.

♪

- We'll see about that.

♪

- So I'm thinking about
getting my face tattoos removed.

But it's a tough decision because--

I don't know who I am without my tattoos.

I'm scared I'd be
killing a part of myself.

LUIS: [imitating Austin Powers]
Does that make you randy, Candi?

[Luis laughing]

- Dawg, what the fuck?

LUIS: [imitating Austin Powers]
I said, does that make you randy, Candi?

I know it makes you randy, Randy.

Why aren't you fools laughin'?

I'm just trying to make group hug

[imitating Austin Powers]
more groovy, baby.

CANDI:
Why the fuck are you quoting Austin Powers

while wearing a fuckin' dinosaur costume?

- Do I have to explain
everything to you fools?

Look, it's simple, alright?

I wanted to make you fools laugh,
so I went to Party City.

I asked him if he had
any Austin Powers costumes.

I couldn't find any,
I said, "Do you have any in the back?"

He said, "No."
I said, "What else you got?"

He goes, "I got dinosaur costumes."

And I said, "That's perfect!"

'Cause comedy's all about
the element of surprise.

And that fool got the joke
and he was nice as fuck.

And he gave me a discount.

- Cut the shit, dawg.

Nobody thinks you're funny.

- Yes, they do. Stop hating!

- Hey, my G. You got
some serious psychological issues.

- Yeah, this ain't it, Luis.

- Sit your ass down!
[Luis scoffs]

- Alright then, whatever.

You fools don't like comedy,
then fuck it.

- Somebody help him, please.

You're always disrupting the group
with your bullshit.

And you know what?
Everybody here is tired of it.

FABIAN:
We're all here for you, dawg.

But I personally think you need
a trained mental health professional.

JULIO:
Whatever you got going on,

we can't even begin to address here.

- You should go see Sandy.

CANDI:
Oh, yeah!

He definitely needs to go see Sandy.

- Who the fuck is Sandy?

JULIO:
She's our volunteer psychologist.

And you know what? She's great.

And you could really benefit from therapy.

- [scoffs] You know what?
Fuck it then.

I'll go to therapy right now
if it gets you fools off my back.

Maybe Sandy could tell me why none of you
have a sense of humor anymore.

- Sorry, everyone.

LUIS:
Nobody here appreciates how funny I am.

These fools have no sense of humor.

You know, I bet some of them
don't even think a fart is funny.

- Why do you feel the need
to be funny all the time?

- I don't know.
I've always been funny since I was a kid.

You know, I have the gift of humor.

You know, my father was funny
and so am I.

You know, it's DNA and shit.

- So your father encouraged
your sense of humor?

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

We used to watch funny shit
all the time together.

We'd watch Cantinflas, Anchorman, Friday.

But most importantly,
we'd watch Austin Powers.

That shit had us rollin'.

- It's nice to have that connection
with your father.

- Yeah, yeah. Well, I did, you know,
before he passed away.

But now I like to think that fool's up
in heaven shaggin'.

Yeah, baby.

SANDY:
I see.

Do you think your having
to be funny all the time

has anything to do with filling the void
your father left?

[Luis crying hysterically]

[crying continues]

LUIS:
Oh, fuck.

[crying continues]

I got my fuckin' dino costume all wet.

Can't return this shit.

- It's okay, Luis.

[dog barking in distance]

LUIS: Yeah, so Sandy says
I've been hiding my trauma with humor.

You know, that I need to look
the trauma in the eye and be like,

"Hey, what's up, trauma?
I need you to chill the fuck out."

- Hey, I told you she was good, huh?

- What the fuck? I've been trying
to get everyone in this family

to go to therapy for years.

- Damn, Ana, not everything
is about you, greedy.

[sighs]

LUIS:
All I know is I feel way better.

Like I feel lighter,
like I lost ten to fifteen pounds.

Probably gonna lose another five

when I go take this
big-ass masa right now.

ANA:
Nasty.

- Hey, Julio,
I notice you don't finish your crust.

You think that's because of something
fucked up from your childhood?

- Hey, Dr. Phil,
you only had one therapy session.

Chill out, alright?

- I don't know.
Maybe Luis is onto something.

I mean, it's pretty fucked up
that you don't eat the crusts.

- I just don't like the taste.
It's not deeper than that.

- Well, I don't know,
Sandy says everything is interconnected.

You know, and I had said to Sandy
that I used to clown you

and Sandy said that since I had
so much power over you as a kid,

that it probably messed you up.
- Oh.

LUIS: At least that's what Sandy says.
ANA: Makes sense.

- So you've been talking
to Sandy about me?

- Yeah, I talk to Sandy
about a lot of things.

But, yeah, you know,
you were in there a little.

Ohh!

I probably beat your ass one time
while you were eating pizza.

Damn, I just helped you
with a psychological breakthrough.

I can't wait to say that to Sandy.

- Could I have your crusts?

Luis never beat my ass
while I was eating pizza

so I can still eat them.

- Hey! Look at me.

You okay?

- [gasps, laughs]
Julio.

What a surprise.

Are you here for a therapy session?

- Oh, no, no, no. I don't need therapy.

I'm just here to check on
how my cousin Luis is doing.

- Well, you know, I can't tell you much.

I mean, doctor-patient confidentiality.

But I can tell you that he's doing great.

- Oh. Okay.

Just let me know if he's not
taking this shit seriously.

I don't mind checkin' his ass.

- Thank you, but I don't think
that'll be necessary.

JULIO:
Are you sure?

I got no problem
putting that fool in check.

- What exactly do you mean by checking?

- You know, like checking his ass.

- You mean, um, writing him up?

- Yeah, I mean, actually I've never
written him up before, but I could.

- Hmm.
- But if I were to write that fool up

for all the shit
that he's done around here,

he would have been kicked out
of this program already.

That's why I check his ass instead.

SANDY:
I see.

JULIO:
He's lucky he has me to put him in check.

Not that he appreciates it.

- You feel he doesn't appreciate you?

JULIO:
Not at all.

Just the other day, he tripped me
on the way out of the house.

- I didn't know you lived together.

- Yeah. He's crashing at my place.

Well, technically, it's my mom's house.

What are you writing down?

This isn't a session.

This doesn't count.

Just here to help Luis.

- I understand.

- So you sure you don't need me
to check him?

- Nope.

- Great.

RANDY:
Just sometimes

get insecure

about what I'm supposed to do
with my life.

I was on the inside
locked up for so long,

it's like I lost who I am on the outside.

MAN:
Hmm.

- That reminds me of Austin Powers.

[all groan]

- Luis, I thought
we talked about this shit.

- Hey, dawg,
I really thought about this, alright?

Just let me share my truth, okay?

- [scoffs]
Fine. Go.

- You know, see, it's like this.

I was in prison
for a long-ass time, you know,

just like Austin Powers was frozen
in that block of ice for a long-ass time.

When we both got out,
we didn't know how to act anymore.

See, the thing is,
is Dr. Evil stole that fool's mojo.

You know, just like
the California prison system took my mojo.

And I know I'll never
get all my mojo back.

And, believe me,
I'm trying to make peace with that.

I'm just, you know, I'm tired
of wasting time living in the past.

Ideally, we'll change,
the world is ever-changing, homey.

I gotta change with it.

That's what Austin Powers is all about.

You know, I used to think
that movie was a comedy.

But now I know,

it's a tragedy.

- Okay. That's enough, Luis.
RANDY: Damn, bro.

I actually never even
thought about it like that.

Thank you, Luis.

- Yeah, I totally relate
to that Austin Powers shit now.

JULIO:
Okay, well, you know what?

That's enough
Austin Powers talk for a while.

People here are
trying to do real work, Luis.

LUIS:
Julio.

Why do you always feel
the need to control me?

- Look, playboy,
if I wasn't around to help your ass,

you'd be lost.

- Sandy said you would
throw that in my face.

She told me you stopped by
her office earlier to talk about me.

[all gasp]

- Fuckin' snitch.

That was confidential.

Sandy just broke the law.

- Yeah, well, Sandy says you said
it technically wasn't a session,

so it's actually public information now.

- This is not the time
to share that information, okay?

People here are waiting to share, alright?

Someone share. Come on.
LUIS: Hey, no, no, no. You're right.

The appropriate time would be
at therapy with me and Sandy.

Especially since you yourself
have never even been to therapy.

[all gasp]

- You've never been to therapy,
but you're leading a group hug session?

- That's fucked up, Julio.

- Wow.
- You know what? Everybody calm down.

Group hug is not about me, okay?

It's about me helping all of you.

I don't need therapy. I'm all good.

RANDY:
Well, maybe the only way

you could help all of us out

is if you help yourself out first, homey.

- Randy, whose fuckin' side are you on?

LUIS:
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Take a breath.

You okay?

'Cause Sandy says you and I
should go to therapy together, Julio.

Sandy says that'd actually be the best way
for me to make real progress.

- Stop saying what Sandy says!

[all gasp]

RANDY: Damn.
JULIO: Okay?

I'm not going to therapy with you.

Go tell Sandy I says that.

LUIS: You know, that's funny
you're acting this way

'cause you always say
that you want what's best for me.

This is what's best for me.

At least that's what Sandy says.

MAN: Yeah, partner.
CANDI: Mm-hmm.

- Don't fuckin' touch me.

LUIS:
Thank you, Sandy. I always love your tea.

- Julio, thank you for being open to this.

I'd like to start
by talking about your relationship

with Luis while you were growing up.

Luis tells me that as the older cousin,

he would bully you and make fun of you.

How do you feel about that?

- We were just dumb-ass kids.
It-it's really not a big deal.

SANDY:
What about you, Luis?

- Thanks for asking, Sandy.

[Julio sighs]

Ah, you know, I just feel that Julio,

you know, he tries to
check me a lot as a grown-up

and I believe it's some form of revenge

for all the times that
I legitimately checked him as a kid.

- Dawg, I'm your case manager,

and there's certain shit
I'm responsible for,

and sometimes I gotta check your ass.

- There's that checking again.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Check his ass, Sandy.

SANDY:
I'm not here to check anybody.

But I'm trying to understand
Julio's need to check.

- I don't feel the need to check.

It's just Luis
needs to be checked sometimes.

- May I speak?
[Julio sighs]

SANDY:
Go ahead, Luis.

- Listen, primo.

You know, I just feel that
you treat me like your little Mini-me,

when in actuality,

I'm regular-sized me.

JULIO:
Dawg, if you quote

Austin Powers one more time,

I'm gonna kill you.

And put your fuckin' hand down.

- You see what I'm dealing with?

SANDY:
I have a suggestion.

I feel it would be healthy
for you to spend some time apart.

- Hey, lady, I'm his fucking caseworker,
and we live together.

- Well, we can't do anything
about the living situation,

but in my professional opinion,

your unresolved relationship issues

are getting in the way
of you being an effective case manager.

- You hear what Sandy says?

- Fine. Fuck it.

If you both are against me,
I won't be your case manager, okay?

Good luck finding someone who isn't family
to put up with your bullshit.

Have fun, Sandy.

LUIS:
Mm!

Chamomile, huh?

- No, English Breakfast.

- That's what's up.

[Luis snoring]

[snoring continues]

[door opens and closes]

- Great work, everyone.
Really good shares.

Really, really good shares.
You killed it, Randy.

- Thank you.

- We missed you today, ese.

- Damn, fool.

[indistinct chatter]

- Hey, fool. Why didn't you wake me up?

I had to take the bus.

- Oh, man, I'm sorry.

But I'm not your
case manager anymore.

I don't wanna control your life.

By the way, meet your new case manager.

Kestin, come here real quick.

This is the homey Kestin.

Hope you fools are happy together.

- Hey, hey. What's up, man?

So nice to meet you.

You know, I'm really glad
we get to work together.

Hey, but I heard
you missed group hug today.

- Yeah, you know, I overslept,
but Julio was supposed to wake me up.

- Hmm. The tough thing
about relying on other people

is sometimes they might let you down.

That's why you always gotta be responsible
for your own actions.

Anyway, I gotta write you up.

- The fuck, dawg?

Julio never wrote me up.

- Oh. Well, my name's Kestin.

♪

[snoring]

♪ Soul Bossa Nova playing ♪

♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪

KESTIN:
Take care.

[grunts]

- Hey, you ate shit, dawg!

♪

- So why did you trip Kestin?

- It was a joke, you know,
it was supposed to be funny.

You know, Kestin's got a stick up his ass.

- Remember, we talked about
how all your joking around

is masking unresolved issues.

Something else bothering you?

LUIS:
I don't know.

I guess I maybe miss dumb-ass Julio
being my caseworker.

At least that fool
didn't write me up all the time.

- Well, it sounds like Kestin is
holding you accountable for your actions.

It's a good thing.

It's also something
Julio is too codependent to do for you.

- Hey, hold up, Sandy.
Don't talk about Julio like that, alright?

We're still blood.
SANDY: That may be,

but we established
Julio's too controlling.

- Hey, you know what?

Julio said that you're the one
that's too controlling, Sandy.

You ever think about that?

- Luis, I didn't mean to--

- Shh!

- Luis, uh--
- Shh!

- Uh, Luis, I--
- Shh!

- Luis, I--
- Shh, shh, shh!

Shh-shh, shh!

- Luis, I have to--
LUIS: Shh. Shh.

- Luis, let me just--
LUIS: Shh! Shh. Shh.

Shh.

- What are you doing right now?

- What do you mean what am I doing?
Come on, it's Austin Powers.

- Sorry, I've never seen it.

- [yells] What?

- Hey, Jorge, did you finish
your GED homework?

- Yup. All finished, chief.

- Okay, good.

But have you started to résumé yet?

- Yep. I'm almost finished.

I've been working very hard on it, chief.

- Guess you never need me
to check you, huh?

- Nah. I'll never
put you in that position.

Got a lot of respect for you.

Hey, chief, you wanna see
the five-year plan

to get my life back on track?

- No, Jorge. I don't wanna see that.

Stop calling me chief.

- Okay, chief.
LUIS: Hey, Julio.

Think I could talk to you for a second?

- Hey, Jorge, give us a minute.

- Okay, chief, I'll go see
if they need help in the kitchen.

- Yeah, you do that.

- See you later, chief.

- So what's up?

- Not much.

How you been?

- I've been good.

Life is good.

- Oh, good, good.

- How you been?

Good, I hope.

- Yeah, yeah, no, I'm good, you know.

Nothing to complain about, really.

- Good. Good.

Well, hey, I should get going.

- Oh, okay.

- It was nice seeing you.

LUIS:
Yeah, good to see you too.

♪

Hey.

Hey, you know what I found out?

That Sandy hasn't even seen Austin Powers.

- What? For real?
- Crazy, huh?

- What, did she live
in a cave or something?

- Yeah. A cave
that didn't even have cable.

I can't believe I was listening
to everything that bitch was saying to me.

- Knowing everything
we know about her now,

she was probably wrong
about everything she told us.

- Hey, you know what would
really piss Sandy off?

Is if you became
my case manager again.

- That would drive her ass nuts.

Then she'd need to go to therapy.

- Too bad that shit don't even work.
- Therapy's for losers.

- Lame-ass fools.

- Don't even know
why you went in the first place.

- Yeah, dawg, I don't know how the fuck
I thought that shit was gonna fix my life.

- You need a ride?

- Yeah. Yeah, that'd be cool.

♪ Just the Two of Us by Bill Withers
and Grover Washington, Jr. playing ♪

Hey, but I still don't understand
why you don't eat the pizza crusts.

JULIO:
Dawg, I just don't like the taste.

That shit tastes like cardboard.
It's not that deep.

LUIS:
Oh, yeah, that makes sense.

♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ We can make it if we try ♪

♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ Just the two of us ♪

- Hey, fool, I forgot something.

I'll catch you outside.

♪ Building castles in the sky ♪

♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ You and I ♪

- Can I help you with something, Julio?

- Just wanted to let you know

Luis asked me to be
his case manager again.

I guess you were wrong.

- I was only trying to help.

If that's what the two of you want,
then that's okay.

- You thought you could destroy
a fuckin' family, didn't you, Sandy?

♪ Just the two of us ♪

Fuckin' home-wrecker.

♪ We can make it if we try ♪

♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ Just the two of us ♪

Hey, fuck Sandy.

♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ Building castles ♪

Oh.

- Come on, turn the wheel
all the way, dawg.

JULIO:
I got it. I got.

Cállate, pendejo. I got.

- Alright, alright, alright.

- Oh.
- God.

- [grunts] Tsk.

Oh!

- Come on, let me do it.

- I can do it, you fuckin' idiot!

♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ Just the two of us ♪

Oh!
- Playin' bumper cars or what?

- Who the fuck
parked their cars like this?

♪ Building big castles way on high ♪

Ohh!

LUIS:
Even Miss Daisy drives better than this.

JULIO:
Man, shut up!

Just give me time.

Fuck! Help!

♪

♪

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