All language subtitles for Inside No. 9 - S07E03 (EN)

This programme contains some strong
language, adult humour,

and scenes which some viewers
may find disturbing.

Oh, God.

Never again.

Vodka and Coco Pops?

Are you serious?

There's no milk.

Do you want me to eat them dry?

You've only just got out of bed.

I know, I'm a walking cliche.
What can I tell you?

Fetch me a spoon.

So, is this why they
took you off the case?

What, the drinking? Ah...

I can run round for round
with any of those plods,

and still not lose my lunch
at an autopsy.

You bounce back. Exactly.

Well, they do call you
" Nine Lives Kat".

Do they? Yeah. Short for Katrina.

Mm! Hear that, Kitney?

I've got a nickname, just like you.

Kitney Spears.

Funny.

I used to have two,

but David Meowie got run over.

That's good.

So, go on, then, why did they
take you off the case?

They're dinosaurs.

They can't stand being told
the truth by a woman.

Simple as that.
My ex- husband is exactly the same.

Erm, ex- husbands.

There's been more than one,
remember? Who's counting?

You know what?

I'll show them.

I will show them you do not need
a cock and balls to crack a case,

or stack a dishwasher in the
most ergonomic way possible.

You just need...

...a brain and a heart, and guts.

And that's what I've got.

You going to help me, or what?

Of course I am...

...Nine Lives Kat.

OK, bring me up to speed.

So, we've got five suspects
who were all seen on CCTV

in and around the area
at the time of the abduction.

I'm still in the process
of fleshing out their stories,

but it seems two of them have
links to the family that could

throw up some interesting leads.

Let's not talk about
throwing up.

Not until these Coco Pops
have settled.

What about the stepfather?
Surely he's our prime suspect.

I'd rather say he's
"helping us with our inquiries".

Let's arrange a press conference
for this afternoon.

If he breaks down in tears and says,
"We just want our angel back,"

we know it's definitely him.

Will do.

I thought you were off the case.

There's a little boy out there
tonight who's frightened.

He's trapped, he can't breathe...

...and I'm going to find him.

I'm going to bring him
out into the light -

and I don't care whose toes
I have to tread on to do it.

When you were little
and your milk teeth fell out,

I used to take them from under
your pillow and leave 50p.

And I'd keep them in a Tic Tac box
in the bathroom cabinet.

When the job got too much for me,

or your dad was being difficult...

...I'd empty them into
the palm of my hand

and squeeze as hard as I could...

...your teeth in my fist...

...until I felt...blood.

Until I felt...

...alive.

Right, take me through it again.

11.15am, Ashley finishes
his karate lesson

and is picked up from
the Methodist church by his mum.

11.3o, they pull into the retail
park, where Mum goes to McDonald's

to buy a Happy Meal,
telling Ashley to stay in the car.

Now, five minutes
prior to this, we have

the green Vauxhall Corsa
parking up outside Hollywood Bowl

driven by sunglasses man...

Mummy?

Ohhh!

God.

Oh...

Ohh.

Oh!

Trust you to be here.

Charming!

Have you seen Kitney Spears?

No. She's, er, she's gone.

Ha! Dirty stop-out.

Mind you, I can talk.

So, what have you got for me?

How do you mean? The missing boy.

Have you checked out the alibis
of the five suspects?

That was a long time ago.
What do you mean?

Kat, I haven't seen you
in several months.

I saw you two days ago.

What are you talking about?!

Just...give me time to catch up.

Where's it gone? What?

The entire investigation!

Er, I've still got the notes.

I just didn't think it was good
to put it up on the wall.

You have no right to tell me
how to run this case.

No right at all! Do you hear me?

I was...I was this close
to making a breakthrough.

Oh.

You're up.

Er, Katrina...

She prefers to be called Kat.

Ah. I don't know
what happened last night.

You seemed very agitated.

We'd both had a lot to drink.

But if it's any consolation,
I don't think we actually...

Actually what?

Elvis did not enter the building.

Is this guy for real?
Sorry, you are...?

Er, DI Bull. Barnabus Bull.

I'm a colleague of Katrina's.

We have a, sort of,
love- hate relationship.

I'm sensing a hate phase
at the moment...

just shut up, Barney!
I'm trying to think.

Sure, sure, although, er,
strictly speaking, of course,

all thinking is subconscious,

because consciousness
is an awareness of thoughts,

not thinking itself, so you
can't actually try to think.

Why don't you go and
put the kettle on?

I'm not sure it would fit.

No, I mean SWITCH the kettle on.

I think we could all do
with a drink. Oh, yeah, sure.

He's quite a character.

A bit spectrum-y, perhaps.

I'm not shagging him.
I know, I didn't say you were!

It's just an interesting
development, that's all.

Look, I know you think I'm taking
this case too personally.

But I'm a woman.

And I empathise.

And I know how to fight,

and I know how to dig my heels in.

And let me tell you -

size eight stilettos dig in deep.

Now, what have you done
with my case notes?

Erm, do you have any loose- leaf tea?

I can't bear the bags.

They never steep in quite
the right way. One second.

Is that really the best we can do?

Jump-scares with a cat?

Why...are you always here?

I don't remember giving you a key.

What happened to
the missing boy - Ashley?

What are you not telling me?

I've tried with you, Katrina,
I really, really have...

...but I just don't
think it's working.

Oh, please do not come in here!
I have a system.

I know where everything is.
It's all right, Barnabus.

We can pick this up later.

What's he doing here?

Get out of my bloody house!

It's not your house, Kat.

It never was.

Ch-ch-ch.

Come on, Katy.

Katy, there's a good girl.

Katy Purry. A bit more contemporary.

I'd written a couple of
collections of short stories,

been nominated for a Gold Dagger,
pretty healthy sales,

when my publisher decided I ought to
write a series of detective novels.

Well, I wasn't that keen,

but I made a few notes,
had a brainstorm,

and out of nowhere,
I wrote down " Nine Lives Kat".

It's a good title.
It is, yes. Thank you.

So, I tinkered with the idea, er,
made up some bog - standard case

of a missing child just so
I could interrogate the character

and see if it added up to anything.

The character...based on me?

No, the character OF you.

Katrina...surname.

Never got that far.

Erm, late 4os, a couple of
divorces, single mum, booze, pills,

clashes with authority.

And what I realised
when I read it back was...

...it's all a bit cliched.

I said that. I know.

I said that on page bloody one!

I know you did - and I should learn
to listen to that critical voice.

But at the time, I was watching
episodes of Cracker and

Prime Suspect, and I thought,
" I can write one of those! "

So I tried, and you just
turned out to be a bit...

Generic.

Fuck off, Rain Man.

It's all right, Katy!
It's all right.

Anyway, I popped you down here
in the bottom drawer for a while,

and every now and again,
I dig you out,

see if there's anything
I could work with.

I do a lot of screenwriting now,

and the streaming platforms are
always dying for female- led content.

That and dystopian fucking
fantasy worlds, anyway.

You think you're some...
patriarchal creator?

God of your own little universe?

Well, sorry. I'm real.

My life is real.

No, it isn't.

It isn't.

You're a fictional construct.

I mean, look around you.

Would a real person live like this?

You know, one spoon, one bowl,
one box of cereal?

You're just...a sketch, Kat,
a first-thought idea.

No, no. The boss, the ex- husbands -
what are they?

They're just ciphers.
No, I - I - I have a daughter.

And what's her name?

Erm...

Hmm?

You don't know, do you?

Sh! Her name is...

You don't know, cos I never
bothered to give her one.

She was just an afterthought,
tacked on to try and

make you more interesting.

No!

No, no...

No! No!

I've wrestled with this idea for
some time, getting writer's block.

It was quite difficult,

so I tried pairing you with
another character to see if that

would freshen things up a bit.

DI Barnabus Bull.

I just love that name.
It's so satisfying to say.

" Barnabus Bull."
My publisher likes it, too.

I found out today. Three- book deal.

Yes! Red Rag To A Bull,
The Bull's- Eye, Bull...

Shit.

...I n A China Shop.

There's a long way to go yet before
we have to worry about titles.

So...he gets to have a life,

and I go back in the bottom drawer
just because he's got a...

...unspecified mental illness?

Stop shouting. Stop shouting!

Stop shouting! Stop shouting!

There might be a victim's mother
or a jealous mistress

I can use you for,
but in terms of this,

Nine Lives Kat, flawed detective
with inner demons...

...we've seen it all before.

And whose fault is that?

Yes, you're right.

It's not you, it's me.

So...the missing boy -
he's your son, isn't he?

Ashley? Yeah, just a placeholder.

Something to visualise.

You know, people think that
writing's all in the head,

but sometimes you have
to make it real for yourself.

Are those my notes?

I've got to let you go.

Please don't.

You've run out of lives, Kat.

Oh, hi, Georgie. I was just
about to call you, actually.

Yeah, I'm just, er, finishing
the synopsis for the new Bull.

It's a sort of locked - room mystery.

Quite pleased with it, actually.

Yeah, I will do. Erm, now, listen,
I was just wondering where we are

with the TV rights.

Are they still
with whatshisname at ITV?

OK, cos I was watching Jude Law in
The Talented Mr Ripley last night,

and I was thinking
he could be really good.

Or Matt Damon.

Yeah.

Yeah, he, er...he'd get
the intensity, and, er,

he was great in that Sky thing
a couple of years ago.

Matt Damon!

They're not going to get Matt Damon,
all right? He's American!

No, sorry, sorry,
I was just talking to Philippa,

Erm, OK, well, listen,
I'll send it to you, and, er,

you can let me know what you think.

Thanks, Georgie. Bye for now.

Will you stop interfering in
my private phone calls, please?

I'm only saying what you're
thinking. Well, it's irritating.

You just concentrate
on how Bull knew about

the false floor in the basement.

Carpet tiles.

What? Carpet tiles.

Should've been black square
to the left, like a chessboard.

When we got there, it was
cream square to the left -

ergo someone must've taken
them up and re- laid them.

Yes, like a chessboard.

So, if we make Colin gay
and Alan a sir or something,

we can say the...

Queen was taken by
the knight! Brilliant!

H I!

Hi. Did you get everything?

Yes. It was busy, though.

Do you know how to do find my phone?

What? I cantt find it.

I think I had it in
the car park when I arrived.

Someone musttve had it
out of my pocket.

Well, if you will go to Asda
and not Wait rose...

Where were you when you
sent me that text?

Which text? About picking
Ash up from swimming.

You were picking Ash up
from swimming.

No, you texted me to say not to.

No, I didntt. Yes, you did. Look!

Thatts not my text!

Where is he? Ashley?

Ashley?! He's not here.
I just told you.

Why didntt you pick him up?!
Cos you said you were going to!

What if someone took your
wife's phone to send the text?

What the fuck are you talking about?

The fuck are YOU talking about?

Where is he? Ezra!

Wherets my son?!

Any news?

Not yet.

Where is he, Ez? I cantt bear it.

Sh. He's going to be all right.

OK? Hets going to be all right,
I promise.

Oh, hello.

I thought I heard another voice.
I made some tea.

Thanks.

I'm Matilda Gordon.

Your wife's probably told you.

I'm family liaison. She did, yes.

I'm a big fan.

Oh, thank you.

I'd love a selfie at...
at some point.

Erm, not now.

No.

I was just asking your wife
if you could think of anyone

who might have a grudge against you.

Anyone you might have
upset or offended?

No. No, I don't think so.

Nobody you based one of your
characters on in your stories?

I'm a writer. I invent characters.

Of course.

And your son...sorry, stepson...

...has he had any fallings-out
or arguments recently?

No, we've been through this already.

He was always well liked.

TtWastt?!

Is.

Sorry, Phil, I've just woken up.

I'm sorry.

It's the shock. The body shuts down.

I went through your
medicine cabinet...

...to see if you were
on any medication,

and I found this hidden at the back.

They're teeth.

Children's teeth.

Are they Ashley's?

Philippa said she didn't
remember keeping them.

I, er, I think maybe they
belong to a colleague of mine

who was helping me with a story.

I see.

Another case for Barnabus Bull?

No.

No, it's- it's- it's
literally nothing,

just background research.

I never even finished it.

I would very much like
to read it, Mr Jones...

...as a fan,
as much as anything else.

Sure.

Barnabus, you haven't seen my notes
for Nine Lives Kat, have you?

No, my name's Matilda, dear.

Barnabus is a fictional character.

He doesn't exist.

Ashley?

Hello?

Well!

It's true what they say.

You can't put a good book down.

What are you doing here?

I had to come for
the final chapter...

...see how it all turns out.

I didn't write this.

No, this is not
a fictional construct,

this is actually happening.

I n your kitchen.

Exciting, isn't it?

Maybe I'm not so generic after all.

Where's Ashley?

He's safe.

He'll come to no harm...

...unlike our friendly
liaison officer.

She doesn't look too clever.

Oh, she was onto you, wasn't she?

The shifty stepfather?

So, you had to silence her.

I never touched her,
and you know I didn't!

Not how it looks.

Maybe...she found
your wife's mobile...

...hidden away in your bottom drawer.

Ouch.

You're framing me.

Yes, I am.

Or is that too cliched, Ezra?

What do you want me to do next?

This?

Or...

...this?

Hm.

You always were a lousy lay, Ezra.

Oh, come on, Mr Writer.

We're in your hands.

What's a better ending?

What do you want?

I want you to finish my story.

I want to find the boy seconds
before he runs out of oxygen.

I want to expose the affair

between the neighbour
and the stepfather.

I want to walk out of an AA meeting

and throw my police badge
into the river!

Really? And I want it...

I want it in paperback
and hardback on the sheff!

Not seff- published on Amazon as
a shitty Kindle exclusive.

All right.

All right, I'll do it,
but then, you have to leave

me and my family alone. Deal?

Deal.

Sorry, am I dead now?

And am I a lesbian now?

Or is that all in his head?

Quiet!

I am trying to think!

Ohh, I've written myseff
into a corner.

I knew this was going to happen.

You know how some artists
can't do hands?

Well, I can't do endings.

Resolving everything on
the final page, it's just...

it's just not believable!

But then...

But then, it wouldn't be a Matilda
Gordon novel if it didn't have

that final twist.

What's going on?

I thought I was writing
an updated Frankenstein -

The Postmodern Prometheus -
but it's all gone a bit...

...Stephen King.

A hack horror novelist
haunted by his own characters.

I'm not a hack. No.

A good story's a good story.

And this isn't bad...
for a first draft.

Still, I think I'll have to
leave you in the bottom drawer

for a while, see if I can't come up
with a more satisfactory denouement.

No, no, no, no, wait, wait!
Wait, I can help you.

I've won a Gold Dagger.
My books are bestsellers!

Well, they're not, really, though.

Are they, darling?

They are a figment of
my imagination.

Just like you.

Oh, God.
And I am afraid you are not quite

leaping off the page.

Please don't.

Bye for now!

Oh, sh...

# Two little
ducks went swimming one day

# Over the hill and far away

# Brother duck said,
"Quack, quack quack, quack,"

# But only one
little duck came back. #