All language subtitles for Inside No. 9 - S06E03 (EN)

This programme contains some strong
language.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

- Hello, my name is Eric Muller. I'm
the hotel manager.

I trust everything is in order?

- Yes, fine, thanks.

I was just trying to find the light
switch for the bathroom.

- Ah, it's just this one here, sir.

Oh, right, I thought I'd tried that
one.

- The gentleman next door said

he could hear sounds of distress.

- Hmm? Oh, that was, uh, probably the
television.

- Would you like for me to send one of
the guest relation team

to explain the room to you?

- No, I'm sure I can work it all out.

I did manage to find

the do not disturb sign, after all.

- I do need to check the sell-by date

on your Lotus Caramelised Biscuits, if
I may.

We are between boxes at the moment,

and I do like to keep...

..abreast of the situation.

So, let us see here.

Good, as I had hoped, good couple of
months yet.

- Well, if that's put your mind at
rest...

- We do have guest response cards with
the hotel literature

by the console -

any comments, good or bad, will be
gratefully received.

- OK, thank you.

- We have had issues recently with the
gentlemen,

sometimes ladies, wishing to book the
room

on a day rate, if you take my meaning.

This is something we are very keen to
stamp out.

I'm sure we understand each other,
Mr...

- Hughes. Yes, I get it.

Uh, if I see anything untoward, I'll
let you know.

- It would be most agreeable.

So, I will let you enjoy a beverage.

Maybe I could reserve a table for you
at Paulo's tonight -

would you like that?

- Uh, no, I've got a lot of work to
do.

- Hmm, this is of no consequence.

I do hope that you have a relaxing
stay.

Hello. You must be Iris.
- Yeah.

- Come in, come in.

You, uh...

You found us all right, then?
- I did.

Ooh, very functional, innit?

Where do you want me?

- Oh, um, anywhere. Just make yourself
comfortable.

- So it's, uh, 20 for a hand job, 50
for oral

and 500 if you wanna lie under a glass
coffee table

whilst I take a dump on it.

- Oh. No, that's not...

I-I-I'm sorry, I think there's been
some confusion.

- I'm just kidding with ya. Helps to
break the ice.

I know why I'm here.

- Um, can I make you a cup of tea?

- No, thank you. You know that half of
hotel kettles

been used for boil-washing underwear?

- No, really?
- Oh, yeah.

And the other half's been used for
peeing in.
- Jesus.

Thought the element looked a bit
green.

- Well...

- I can offer you a Lotus biscuit.

They are in date.

- Oh, no, thank you. Let's get on with
it, shall we?

You are paying by the hour.

- So, uh, I'm Felix, as you know.

I'm a data entry manager by
profession. Boring.

I've been with Brenda for about six
years now

and we have a little boy together,
Dylan, he's three.

About 18 months ago,

Bren wanted to get back into the
workplace.

Uh, her mum could look after Dylan.

So she started at a PR firm,

where she was quickly head-hunted, and
now...

- You think she's having an affair.

- I was building to that, but, uh,
yes.

She travels a lot with her job,

and it's all highly confidential,

so she can't really talk about it at
home and...

..she's been increasingly secretive.

- Well, doesn't mean she's cheating on
you.

She might just take her job seriously.

Some women do that, you know.

- Oh, of course.

And I-I may be wrong, I hope I am,
but, uh...

..I just can't rest until I know.

- And she's meeting this client over
the road?

- Yeah, yeah. He... he's booked a
suite.

- How do you know?

- I can access her online calendar.

- Now...

..I'm sure the office explained to
you,

but we can't guarantee 100% accuracy.

Depends where they position
themselves, obviously.

About a third of lip shapes are
visible on the mouth.

Others are inferred by movements of
the neck,

jaw, chin, even the eyes.

Then there's the context to be taken
into consideration,

which is why you need an expert lip
reader.

- You come highly recommended.
- Hmm, glad to hear it.

Of course, she may be doing other
things with her lips

which you don't want me to describe to
you,

but it'll all be in the report.

- I understand.

And that's fine.

Please, don't hold back for my sake.

- Oh, I won't.

Right, let's see what we can do.

You might wanna make notes, Felix.

Once I get going, it can be quite
quick.

- OK, yeah, good idea.

- Visibility's good for now.

Have to keep an eye on that reflection
on the glass.

Typically, we work from CCTV or video

so we can zoom in on the subjects.

Live reading's always trickier.

- So, uh, what kind of stuff do you
normally do?

- Trial work.

Forensic speech reading.

Sometimes the tabloids get in touch

if they wanna make out an exchange for
a story.

- Must be interesting.
- It is.

Oh, hang on, and there's movement.

We've got two men in dark suits

followed by a woman who could be your
wife.

She's wearing a sort of teal-green
top, is that right?

- Yeah, yeah, I saw she had that on
this morning.

Yeah, I bought it for her, actually,

couple of birthdays ago.

Dorothy Perkins.

- "Is he here?"

- I dunno, you're the one with the
binoculars.

- No, that's what she's saying.

Um, "Two flat whites and a piano
something."

- Pain au chocolat, she loves those.

- Right, yeah, that's probably it.

Uh, the men in suits are leaving.

There's another man coming in.

Six-foot one, slim,

olive skin,

lovely thick hair.

Wow, he's gorgeous.

Is that...?
- Yeah.

Yes, it is.

Dimitri Novak.

Lawyer, political agitator, human
rights activist,

all-round do-gooder.

- Yeah, I think I've read about him.

He's hot.

- Well, my wife thinks the sun shines
out of his arse,

so, yeah, he probably is.

- I'm not being funny, Felix, your
wife has very good taste.

- You talking about him or...

..me?

- Both.

Though you are physically very
different.

- Ooh, hang on, she's coming towards
the window.

"Do you want me to close the blinds,
Dimitri?"

- Oh, God, no.

- "I want to something it in the
dark."

- What?

- It's either look at it or maybe suck
on it.

- But which? That's pretty important!

- I'm not sure, she's turned her head.

He's taking his jacket off.

He says it's fine, he doesn't mind
either way.

- Yeah, course he doesn't, the
cheating bastard.

Let me look.
- Wait.

- Let me see.

- Who's that?

- That'll be the hotel manager. Shit!

He said I'm not allowed people in my
room.

- What do you mean, you're not allowed
people in your room?

You're not on a school trip.

- He means women. Prostitutes.

- Hmm, charming.

Just go in the wardrobe, please, while
I get rid of him.

- No chance.

Wardrobe? I'll wait in the bathroom.

- OK, thanks. Lock the door.

- Breakfast menu.

I noticed earlier you didn't have one.

I'll just go and pop this on the
console for you.

We offer a full English at 31.99,

plus a £7 tray charge if you prefer
in-room dining.

- Uh, yes, that sounds very
reasonable.

- Everything else in order?

You don't need any more...

..coat hangers?!

- No, I'm fine, thanks.

- Excellent.

I just need to check your toilet roll
situation.

- Yeah, I was, um, gonna mention -

it seems to have locked itself for
some reason.

- From the inside?

- Yeah.

That's all right, I can always go in
the kettle.

- No need.

- I have the key of the skeleton for
such emergencies.

Oh, you're just going
to let yourself in, are you?

All good?

- Ja, splendid.

Shampoo and body wash all at
satisfactory levels.

So, I will let you get on with your
work, Mr Huge.

Just so you know,

we will be performing a full fire
drill at 3.15.

We will be asking all guests

to make their way to the rear car
park.

- That's fine.

- There will be a roll call of all
guests,

so everyone will be accounted for.

- Thank you.

- Readers' Wives! How analogue of you.

Plenty of bush on display, very retro.

- It's not mine.

- Pubes are like cargo pants -

hang on to them long enough, they'll
come back into fashion.

- Honestly, I-I found it pushed down
the side of the mattress.

- Don't worry, I won't say anything.

My lips are sealed.

Mr Muller seems like quite a
character.

Why's he so suspicious of you, do you
think?

You seem pretty normal-looking to me.

- Oh, I dunno, I think he's just
uptight.

You get the impression he'd rather run
a hotel

without any guests in it.

- Yeah, like a bus driver

who hates having to pick up the
passengers.
- Yeah!

- Or maybe just gets his kicks out of
spying on people.

Speaking of which...
- Oh, yeah.

So are the blinds closed or open?

- Open, thank goodness.

You'll be pleased to hear the only
thing she's gobbling

is that pain au chocolat.

- God, this is awful.

Ugh! It's like having open-heart
surgery

with no anaesthetic.

- Oh, don't be so squeamish.

- Says someone who's obviously never
been in love.

- Dimitri's going to the bathroom.

- Can I ask...

..are you married, Iris?

- Me? No.

I'm self-partnered, as they say.

Single as a dollar and not looking for
change.

- And are you happy with that?

- Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Really cool with
it.

Don't miss men at all.

Not at all.

- I'm really happy.

Sorry, what?

- I didn't say anything.

- Well, I mean, I might like to meet
someone eventually.

But, for now, I don't need another
half

because I am a whole.

I mean with a W, not as in...

- An empty abyss.

- He's back.

She's turned away from me now,

but he's asking about a schedule.

"Where are we with Andrew Marr's
people?

"Is it confirmed?"

What's that about?

- Uh, Bren's his press secretary,
that's what she does.

- She's shaking her head.

"We need confirmation on that - it's
important."

- How's his body language?

- Well, he's getting agitated, she's
trying to calm him down.

- What, is she touching him?
- She's leaning forward.

I can't see what she's saying,

but it strikes me as a very close
relationship.

You often get that with press agents -

they have to be flirtatious

to coerce people into doing their
bidding.

Ooh, hang on, she's going for her
phone.

"I need to call... Max."

- Max?

She doesn't know anyone called Max.

Hello?

- "It's me."

- Hi.

- "Did you call me last night?"

- No, I-I-I don't think so.

- "I had another missed call, number
withheld."

- No, I-I, well, I-I-I was out last
night with... my friends.

- "I just wanted to remind you about
this weekend."

- No, no, no, look,

we don't have to discuss that now.

- "You can pick Dylan up from my
mum's.

"Don't forget his... mini pyjamas?"

- Minion pyjamas. No, I won't.

Listen, we can talk about this another
time, yeah?

Why don't we grab lunch or something?

- "Felix, no. I don't wanna see you.

"When will you understand it's over?"

Brenda, please.

- "I have to tell you -

"I've filed for a restraining order.

"My lawyer says this is borderline
arse mount."

- It's "harassment",

and you don't have to keep repeating
everything,

I can hear!

- "Who are you talking to?

"Is somebody there?"

- No.

No, it was just the TV. I'm here on my
own.

- "I wish you'd meet somebody, Felix,
I really do.

"You deserve a penis."

Happiness.

- I was happy.

Listen, I'll call you back later.

Just stay away from that fucking
lawyer, please.

Please! We can sort this.

I just need to see you.

- She hung up.

- What's she saying?

"Sorry about that, he's insane."

Dimitri's nodding.

He's moving towards her...
- Yeah, all right, stop it now.

- He's putting his arm around her.

- I said stop it.
- "Let me help you."

- That's enough!

This was a mistake.

- So it wasn't Max, it was "my ex".

I think I should probably go.

Where's my bag?

- I'm sorry.

- How long have you been divorced?

- We were never actually married.

Bren and I separated eight months ago.

She swore there was nobody else, but I
didn't believe her.

And I just couldn't cope.

I got more and more depressed.

I spent hours online on Dad Chat.

- What's that?

- Well, it's like Mumsnet,

but with sad men rather than
competitive women.

And one of the posts on the forum said

that I was living in limbo and...

..they recommended your company.

He said I should find out for sure if
she was seeing somebody else.

- Why?

- Because, if she's not...

If she's not, then I still have a
chance.

- You also have a restraining order.

- I know it sounds mad, but...

..love is mad, isn't it?

Sorry, I forgot -

you don't know anything about that.

- I do know that you don't have to
demean yourself.

Maybe it is time for you to move on.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

- It's all right, I'll assume the
position.

Need a pee, anyway.

- Oh, thank you, I'm so sorry.

What now?
- I'm afraid we've had

another complaint about the noise.

- I don't know what you're talking
about.

- Raised voices, items being thrown
against the walls.

- Yeah, I couldn't work the trouser
press

and I got frustrated.

- We don't have the trouser press.

Although we are hoping to roll them
out

in a bid to win a fourth star.

- Four stars? You're joking, aren't
you?

Been in bus shelters more comfortable
than this.

- Well, irregardless...

- That's not a word.
- It is, actually.

Irregardless, the gentleman next door
would appreciate it

if you could keep the noise down.

He's made several complaints already.

- Yeah, well, I'll be gone in half an
hour,

so it'll be quiet then,

and you can clean up all the bodily
fluids

I've been spraying everywhere.
- Wait, what?!

- Well, that told him!

- Arsehole.

You can come out now.

- I'll be two minutes.

No lingering by the door, please, I
know your type.

- Yeah, sorry.

Sorry.

- Why do they bother folding the end
of the toilet paper

into a V-shape, do you think?

Uh, dunno!

- Trying to show they've cleaned it, I
suppose.

- Guilt-trip you into leaving a tip.

- Listen, I've been thinking.

You're the client,

your personal circumstance is none of
my business, so...

Let's just carry on, shall we?

- That's very kind of you.

- Oh, right-hand lens is a bit
cracked,

but it should be all right.

- I'm happy to pay for any damage.

- Oh, it looks like they're going
through something on his laptop.

They're sitting side by side...

He's saying, "This has been in the
making

"for over three years.

"People are gonna be very shocked."

- So, how did you end up being
assigned to me?

- Ah, that's just random, through head
office.

I just happened to be free, that's
all.

Why?

- No reason.

And you don't have any qualms

about prying into other people's
lives?

- You're the one who hired me,
remember, Felix?

- How did you know his name was
Muller?

- Sorry?

- The hotel manager.

You said you'd never been here before.

How did you know his name?

- You must've mentioned it.

- I didn't.

- Then I dunno.

- So what about this?

- Is it hot in here?

Shall I open a window?

Is there a minibar? I could do with a
drink.

- Please, just be honest with me.

- So...

..the security around Dimitri Novak's
been stepped up

in recent months due to his
high-profile campaigns.

He's had a lot of abuse.

Online death threats.

His team were concerned about your
erratic behaviour

as Brenda's ex,

so they drafted me in to monitor your
conversations

and make sure you weren't an active
threat.

- You've been stalking me?
- No.

No, they sent me these recordings to
transcribe.

But spending all that time observing
you, I...

..I felt like I understood you.

Brenda couldn't see it, but I could.

You're right, Felix, love is mad.

It makes you do crazy things.

I felt like I had to reach out to you
somehow.

- Wait. That was you on Dad Chat?

- Pfft...

TiredTerry66?

Yeah.

I just wanted to meet you face to face
IRL.

I thought maybe...

..it might help you see past Brenda
and, uh...

..consider somebody else.

Anyway...

..now you know.

Can I have my thumb drive back,
please?

You won't be charged for this session.

I'll just tell the office you never
showed up.

For what it's worth, I don't think

Brenda and Dimitri are having an
affair.

I may have made it seem that way so
that...

Well, I'm sorry.

I wish you all the best with getting
her back.

Goodbye, Felix.

- Iris!

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Agh!

- What are you doing?

Now look what you've made me do.

Is there a hairdryer?

- No, leave it.

It's a shithole anyway.

- Open the curtains, would you? I
can't see a bloody thing.

What the fuck was that?
- What?

He's been shot!
- What?!

Dimitri! He's been shot!

Someone just shot him!

- Here!

- Brenda!

Brenda!

- Now.
- What?

We're getting reports of a shooting
in central London.

The victim is said to be Dimitri
Novak,

the prominent anti-government
campaigner...

- Novak was believed to be working on
a major announcement,

set to cause shockwaves throughout
Westminster...

- The gunman has been named as Felix
Hughes,

an embittered former partner of
Novak's press secretary, Brenda
Doyle...

- He was last seen by several
eyewitnesses

waving a gun and shouting his wife's
name

before being shot by armed police.

He seemed very agitated.

I also noticed he had been drinking,

which is never a good sign.

- The murder of Dimitri Novak is a
tragedy -

there's no doubt about that.

But, as this inquest has proven,

the person responsible was acting
alone

and clearly from a very personal
agenda.

Let's... let's be very clear -

any conspiracy theories linking this
government

to Mr Novak's death

are quite frankly preposterous.

Thank you.